Welcome to Flatch (2022) s02e03 Episode Script

1
Today, Kelly and I will be welcoming
the new lady to Flatch
with a good, old-fashioned egging.
Shh!
Cheryl's chickens lay, like,
100 eggs every single day.
She puts 'em in the front yard
for, like, anyone to have.
And ever since I kicked out Shrub,
it's been really good,
'cause we're really good
at doing pranks together
Way better than roommates.
Yeah, better not to mix
business with pleasure.
- Yeah.
- Let's do it.
Okay, let's go.
Hey, kids, what ya eggin'?
Barb Flatch.
Uh, Kelly, it's the new
Barb in town lady.
Hey, Barb.
We were just about to actually egg
this dumb-looking car
over right here, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, guys. Morning.
Go. Go.
Oh, no. Oh!
Leave it, leave it, leave it.
Yeah, leave it, leave it!
Nice arm, Kelly! See you Sunday!
Sorry, Binghoffer!
Sorry!
So thanks for coming in.
Eat, beach, sleep, repeat.
So true.
Here is your vanilla latte, Kel.
Is that okay?
Can I call you Kel?
I'd be honored.
- So I'm not in trouble?
- What? No. No.
I just I'm gonna give you some advice
I wish somebody would have
given me at your age,
because it really would have
saved me a lot of time.
Oh, my God!
This is just like a vanilla
hot chocolate with caffeine,
and you just have these
whenever you want?
All right, go off, genius.
You know, you have the ability
to manifest
whatever life you want for yourself.
I wasn't always this.
I mean, I worked really hard
manifesting all the things
I have on my vision board.
Wait
Manifested!
Oh, my God, cheers.
So a vision board is like a Ouija board,
but instead of sending
dumb ghosts to your friends,
you get cool stuff you want.
While making my vision board,
I was really thinking,
you know, what do I want?
What do I want in life?
A pontoon boat.
I mean, can you imagine?
How am I gonna
get a pontoon boat, right?
I have to work for Barb.
I gotta manifest this.
Sisters.
So ever since getting
kicked out of Kelly's,
I have been couch surfing with Mickey.
So this is the couch I'm surfing on.
Yeah, Shrub is my surfer bro.
So yeah, lots of pros
and cons to living here.
Um, pro:
look, I it's more time
with Beth, which, um
yeah.
Con: uh
Mickey has been using
my actual bed that I sleep in
as a guest couch on a public access show
that he's created,
called "Mickey About Town."
Who always knows what's going down?
Who'll make a smile out of your frown?
Who might the other
talk show hosts surrender
like Cornwallis at Yorktown?
It's "Mickey About Town"!
"Mickey About Town."
And welcome back to Flatch's
number one public access show,
"Mickey About Town."
Tonight, Beth joins me again
for one of our most popular segments:
New Pothole.
Beth, where's the new pothole?
Halsey and Chestnut.
Amazing. Isn't she amazing?
Oh, my God, please stop.
God, I gotta move out, dude.
Mickey's driving me insane.
I understand how having
a roommate can be challenging.
My roommate has chickens.
It's not a problem.
They really they're great.
I love 'em.
But, you know, anyways
You know, Mickey's a good friend.
You know, I'm sure you guys
will be able to work it out.
Hey, how about we try some role playing?
I'll be Mickey, and you be Shrub.
All right, let's give this a twirl.
You just arrived home to Mickey's house.
Okay?
- "Hey, Shrub"
- No, no, dude.
You sound like Yoda. I can't do it.
I respect Yoda.
- "Shrub, my bro."
- You sound constipated.
Okay. Hey, Shrub, my bro.
Oh, my God, Mickey, you suck so bad!
Well, that's an odd thing to say.
I mean, I am letting you stay
at my house,
- which is pretty nice of me.
- Yeah,
it's nice, and I appreciate it. Ooh!
But, like, you never give me any space.
And it's so annoying how many dumb jokes
you tell me in a day.
And you're always with Beth,
and it's stupid.
And I don't get why you guys
are dating at all.
I have no idea what she sees in you.
You're so not funny,
and you're dumb to look at.
I'm writing an editorial
about how vandals are taking the eggs
that I have set out for eating
and using them for egging.
We won't name names.
A number of local businesses
have been hit.
And Joe.
I can't imagine if they hit Kimmie Jean.
Oh, Kimmie Jean is my new pickup.
She's gorgeous.
She needs to be washed every day.
I needed a little something
to, you know,
cart the gals around when they
need to go to the vet or the park.
Hi.
Chickens in a playground
is totally normal.
Or I'll make it normal.
What the heck? What happened to my door?
God, what message
are they trying to send?
That we're working in a discotheque?
You're welcome, ladies.
Oh, my God, what do you think? Huh?
Yeah, I was trying to create
an open flow space,
right, some good energy
going through here.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
I just wanted to, you know, glow it up.
It's an unsolicited glow-up.
Who does that?
Me, now that
we're sharing offices, right?
Now you can be excited to come to work.
I know I am.
Well, I liked my door.
Okay. Hmm.
Whew.
We have a real life Flatch family member
here in our office.
That means that I can finally complete
the Flatch family hair tree.
Now I just need Barb. What do you think?
Should I just ask her
or cut it off in her sleep?
I'm kidding.
I take hair extraction consent
very seriously.
I have an interview with Barb.
I'm so freaking pumped.
Got my best blazer
from the church donation bin.
Floral.
And, you know,
I also skimmed all 144 episodes
of "Million Dollar Listing."
So let's do my due debutante,
and let's make this
a short sale today, boys.
Wish me luck.
All my pontoon dreams depend upon it.
If you let me work for you,
I promise you will not be sorry.
Let's do something together, huh?
Picture me as a house.
Little House on the Prairie, maybe?
She's a-fixer upper.
Yeah, she is. She needs a little TLC.
- Okay, well
- No, let me finish.
No termites.
I've had a lot of people check.
The layout, I mean,
there's no complaints there.
- Uh-oh, bones are incredible.
- How about this?
Starting tomorrow,
you will be my new intern.
It's just an internship.
Are you serious?
Yes!
Manifest this, manifest that, ooh, uh.
Okay. Thank you.
- Sorry.
- Just calm it down.
The pillows are my friends.
They're sacred.
- Let's put that down.
- Of course.
That won't happen
Hey, quick question for Barb.
Do you think I could
just get a teeny tiny
little archival hair sample?
Hey, snips, how about no?
That's a yes or a no from you?
- Just checking for Barb.
- Mm-mm.
First we're gonna unpack
all my office supplies,
and then we're gonna organize
all of my wigs.
Like, wig on your head wigs?
Oh, yeah, girl.
Oh, God, I do love me a wig.
Isn't she cute?
Yes.
It's one of my favorites.
Anyway, so when you are done
unpacking those,
I'm gonna need you to cover
the town with signs.
A huge part of being
a successful realtor like myself
is making sure that wherever people go,
they see your face smiling back at 'em,
saying, "Buy me, buy me,
buy me, buy me."
Shh, yeah. "Buy me."
- Yeah.
- Super creepy.
Kind of intimidating.
You know, that is exactly the vibe
I am trying to project.
Oh, that reminds me,
my new realty shingle
is in at the post office.
- On it, got it.
- I'm sorry.
I have to sit down for a second.
These new beauties
are absolutely killing my feet.
Let me break them in for you.
Wh seriously?
Yes. I have double wide feet.
They could stretch out
concrete, seriously.
- Oh, that's amazing.
- Perfect.
I love this job.
I mean, Barb is so cool.
I'm literally gonna spend
the day in her shoes.
If I play my cards right,
I'll be wearing her hair by next week.
Time for an exciting new
segment on "Mickey About Town"
called, "What is Shrub dreaming?"
We want to know. What is Shrub dreaming?
I can't handle this anymore.
I'm dreaming of a place
where I can fall asleep
without the stupidest talk show ever
waking me up every single time.
Also, I was flying.
Hey, Shrub, how did things go
with Mickey?
Not good, Joe, not good at all.
Honestly, I'm going insane
because of lack of sleep,
and I don't have a car or a license
or a scooter anymore
because I busted it.
So now I have to walk everywhere.
And do not suggest Leotha to me,
because every time
she drives me anywhere,
she goes super slow,
and Mickey's gotta join,
and then it becomes
a whole frickin' production.
- Work, work ♪
- Hamilton!
Whoo!
- Oh, there's history ♪
- Happening ♪
In the greatest city in the world ♪
In the greatest city in the world ♪
The greatest city in the world ♪
The greatest city, in the great ♪
Well, I told Cheryl
that I'd take Kimmie Jean
for her daily wash,
but I'd be more than happy
to give you a ride somewhere.
I'll take that as a yes.
Where can I drop you?
I need to get a slushie at the gas mart.
But before I do that, I have
to buzz by Mickey's first,
because I left my wallet there,
'cause I was so mad at him
for sucking so bad,
and then I have to stop
at the thrift store on Main
before I cruise by the library
to see if they have Mario Kart 6 in.
Wow. That's a lot.
But I love that you're reading
books and using the library.
I'm here for my flock.
Whatever they need, I'm their man.
I let Mandy know to hold down the fort
at the church while I help Shrub out.
Then God gets all cold-blooded
and kicks us out of Eden,
because when he saw
the naked female body,
whoo!
He straight-up panicked.
'Cause even God can't handle
a body like this.
Come on, God, what are you so afraid of?
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, Len, what's up?
I have six very graphic questions.
Yeah, so I might be leading
a Bible class now.
Joe don't need to know that.
This is a safe place for you.
It's a cemetery.
Everybody's already dead.
Why take a man on an errand
when you can teach a man how to fish?
I'm not teaching Shrub how to fish.
I'm teaching him how to drive.
I feel bad for the kid.
He needs a father figure.
When my dad taught me, it was
a real bonding experience.
Oh! It's going backwards!
- Oh!
- Help me!
- Oh, my God!
- Wait, wait!
- What? What?
- Oh, wait, first
Remember, you gotta pull
Oh, crap.
Beth.
I got this. I got this.
Whoa.
No, no, gentle, gentle.
- Okay!
- Nice.
Jeez.
- What's up, Beth?
- What's up?
Just driving a truck around.
You want a ride home?
Sure.
Sick.
Don't mess this up.
Hey, come on in.
Your chariot awaits.
Okay, move.
Sick truck, huh?
Guess I'm driving.
To Beth's place, please.
- Good news.
- Oh, just
The sign is here!
Love it!
Oh, my God, so exciting.
Oh, my God, it's amazing.
You are crushing it.
I mean, seriously, I am so glad
I took you under my wing.
Wing woman!
Yeah. Okay.
Oh, also, you got mail.
Ooh, it's a thick one.
Let's see.
What? Divorce papers?
You're serving me with divorce papers?
Are you kidding me? He cheated on me!
son of a bitch!
! What the?
Uh, you know what?
Can you do me a favor
and and get these
and go put the signs, you know,
in the yards and stuff like that?
And I just
Barb just needs a minute for Barb.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay?
- Of course.
- Okay.
I mean, based on that
completely amazing Barb-splosion,
I'm thinking Barb has more in
common with Kel than she thinks.
Holy mother of crap turds,
that's the boat from my vision board!
I manifested this.
I needed this today, especially after
that jerk from the Jerk Shack Nasty.
No, no, no, get this out of here.
- Dude.
- I I asked you nicely.
- You suck!
- Are you kidding me?
- You suck!
- You want to go?
I'll go over and over and over.
Ahh! What are you doing? Police!
No, ow! Ow!
Get out!
Doesn't matter now.
I have a boat.
Okay, pay attention.
We got a left turn coming up.
Which little wand thing
do you want to use, Shrub?
You can do it.
Uh, that one?
No.
No, that's the gearshift, okay?
Now, the turn's coming up.
You gotta choose.
- This?
- Oh, no, Shrub!
Let go! Stop touching that!
- I don't know what to touch!
- Look out!
Oh
Oh.
Oh, my God, Kimmie Jean.
Holy.
Uh, Cheryl's gonna lose it.
She's gonna be so mad.
Cheryl's gonna kill me.
Poor little guy got himself
all worked up.
Ahh!
Ah, let him go.
He'll wear himself out.
Hey, Barb.
I know I don't know you that well,
but it does seem like you're decorating
more out of anger than inspiration.
I'm not angry.
I'm just trying to, you know,
glow the place up,
make it more
"2020s Paltrow Pompano casual"
and less "1920s sad granny cat lady
Dust Bowl Donner dinner party."
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I am loving this new direction.
And you know what else I'm loving, girl?
Just the idea of you giving me
a little bit of your hair.
Girl, this is my good hair, okay?
A farm-raised Austrian girl
cut off her virgin hair
so that I could look this good.
You touch it, and you're gonna owe me
a boatload of money
and a huge apology
to an Austrian shepherdess
who now has a buzz cut.
- Totally.
- I need more pillows.
Looks great.
Okay.
She is going to kill me.
She's gonna kill me.
Hey, cowboy, you doing okay?
Okay? No.
No, nothing's okay, cowboy.
This is Cheryl's baby, and it's ruined,
and it's my fault.
Hey, wait, are you driving?
Yeah.
Oh, I mean, it's way easier without
you always talking and confusing me.
But seriously, calm down.
I know where we can get us a new mirror.
Get in.
So I put up signs
in front of every business
in the downtown district
Well, except for the Spicy Jerk Stand,
'cause Chris Warner sucks,
and his jerky isn't even good at all,
- and everyone knows it.
- Wait.
- Chris Warner?
- Yeah.
Hold on. Um
You mean this douchebag?
Yeah. Yes, that is him.
But now he's all, like, dumb and old,
and he looks like a spicy dried meat.
But not the venison, okay?
We're talking teriyaki beef nasty.
Hmm, I used to date this guy
back in high school.
Barb, tell me you're lying.
I wish I was.
God, why do all men suck,
and they can just get away with it?
It's not fair. I mean, my God, we can't
get away with anything, anything!
You know what? He's no
different than frickin' Bert!
For God's sake, I
Yeah. Oh, that's my pillow.
Um, I'm sorry.
I need to get a hold of myself
and calm it down.
No, you don't need to calm it down.
And do not say sorry.
You taught me that, okay?
Look at me.
You do not need to calm down.
You need to let it out.
Shrub has been incredible.
Can I come in?
When there's a crisis, he's the guy
you want to have around.
Maybe we can, like, build
a fort or something.
- That's nice.
- He found the exact
make and model of Cheryl's pickup truck,
and he got us a replacement side mirror.
Actually found us three.
Got another.
Incredible!
Something about watching
Shrub climb around
in the garbage all day makes me realize
what it is I like about him.
He's a stone-cold fox.
Things are really taking off
at the church for me.
In fact, due to popular demand,
I will be hosting Mandy Night
Sing Along Service, BYOB.
Now please turn the xeroxed hymnal
that I charged you 5 bucks for
at the beginning of service
to page 14, hymn number 72.
Hit it.
Don't go chasing waterfalls ♪
Please stick to the rivers ♪
And the lakes that you're used to ♪
I know that you're gonna
have it your way ♪
Or nothing at all ♪
I can't hear you now. Hey!
Don't go chasing waterfalls ♪
- Yes!
- Please stick ♪
- To the rivers and the lakes ♪
- Stick!
- That you're used to ♪
- To the rivers!
And the lakes that you're used to!
I know that you're
gonna have it your way ♪
- Or nothing at all ♪
- Nothing!
- You're getting nothing!
- But I think ♪
You're moving too fast ♪
Moving too fast!
I don't know how you wear these.
Kel was right.
Egging that weirdo unibrow man
I used to date in high school
really did make me feel
a whole lot better.
Helped me put things in perspective,
you know, so I could get
some other stuff done.
Oh, that Kel.
She could really teach
this old gal some new tricks.
What's going
Oh, my God!
Hi. Hey, girl.
- 3, 2, 1!
- Chick-zilla!
- Ah!
- Whoo!
Isn't it amazing?
Shrub painted it with his own two hands.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Shrub, hey, can you give us
a couple seconds?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Are you gonna, um
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Hey, babe.
You know how you wanted chickens
and then you got chickens
and how I was so okay
with you getting chickens?
Oh, do you want a dog?
Joe, I don't think we can get
a dog with the chickens.
No, I want a Shrub.
- What?
- He needs a place to crash,
and we have an extra room.
And in my head,
Shrub is very good with chickens.
Oh, Joe, you're such a sweet guy.
Shrub's moving in!
Cheryl is so cool.
And egging aside,
Shrub is maturing really fast,
dare I say it, like a young man.
Okay, put her down. Put her down.
Or at least like an old teen.
Maybe we could be bros.
Shroes! That's Shrub and Joe
and bros all combined into one.
- Hey, Shrub.
- What?
- I got a new name for us.
- Okay.
Shroes!
Shroe-kay.
I see you, Shroe.
Oh, hey, Kel.
Why don't you knock off for the day?
It's been a long one, huh?
And also, I've been thinking,
I think we should make it official.
I'd love for you to come to work
as my full-time intern.
Oh.
Uh, I super appreciate the opportunity
and, like, I learned so much
from you today.
But I've been thinking
about our relationship.
So what were you thinking?
I learned a ton from Barb today,
but I mean, it's a two-way street,
and honestly, I was
teaching Barb left and right.
And if I'm gonna manifest
a pontoon boat,
I have to manifest
some real U.S. dollars
by manifesting a real job.
So what you're saying
is you want to go from $0
to minimum wage.
That's my best and final offer.
Uh-huh.
Um
Manifested.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
- I won't let you down.
- Oh, I know you won't.
You're gonna be fantastic.
- Okay, get down
- Let's give you these.
Yes! Oh, my God. Are they ready?
- They're ready.
- So over these Crocs killing my feet.
So not my style. Ah!
Ah, same.
Hey, there's just one more thing,
um, I wanted to ask.
- Uh
- Anything.
So can I get a lock of your hair?
Just because Nadine is driving me crazy.
I got her hair.
It's thinner than I thought.
It's kind of greasy, but who cares?
The Flatch hair tree
is complete.
I have arrived, Flatch!
I am a single, newly divorced woman
wearing her hot heels saying,
"Look out world, here I am."
I want you to know
I'm not afraid of the female body,
like God is.
And I'm also not afraid to
chase waterfalls, whatever that is.