What We Do in the Shadows (2019) s02e03 Episode Script

1
(BELL CLANGS)
We have been invited to a
highly exclusive event.
We will be spending this Sunday evening
at our neighbor Sean's Superb Owl party.
Vampires have huge respect for owls.
ONE: they're nocturnal,
TWO: they're predators, and three:
they don't give a hoot where
they dump their scat.
NADJA: The party we're going to
is celebrating the Superb Owl,
who is the greatest owl of all time.
Do you think we're going to
get to touch its little beak?
Depends what mood he's in.
Yeah, I know it's a
Super Bowl party, but
I tried to correct them
and they wouldn't listen.
That's the owl's egg.
Also, I didn't try all that hard.
("YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING)
Don't sing if you
want to live long ♪
They have no use for your song ♪
You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world ♪
Now your hope and
compassion is gone ♪
You sold out your
dream to the world ♪
Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
You're dead and out of this world. ♪
♪
Remember, no killing at
this Superb Owl party
- Super Bowl.
- out of respect
for our good friend and host, Sean.
NANDOR: Once this evening is over,
Guillermo will have a nice assortment
- of virgins for us.
- (LAUGHS)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Oh and behave.
- (GROANS)
- Blend in.
This is an all-human party.
Hey!
You guys made it! Nadja
Nandor My man Laz
Dilbert-looking guy.
(CHUCKLES) So, what are you waiting for?
Get your rears in gear and get in here.
- (LAUGHS)
- That counts.
SEAN: All right, come on!
Yo, Charmaine!
Look who it is.
Our European neighbors
from next door.
Oh.
Could you run to the ShopRite
and grab a few more bags
of those Tostitos Hint of Limes
before you start drinking?
SEAN: First off, I already started.
- (CHARMAINE GROANS)
- What?
- What?
- Now you're catching an attitude?
- Right in front of our guests?
- (MOUTH FULL): Well, this is my house.
I can catch whatever I want.
Why don't you go catch
it somewhere else?
Oh, shut up. (GROANS)
SEAN: It's always
something with this one.
Anyway, come on in.
Listen, we're sort of a
no-shoes household, so, uh
I'm not taking my
shoes off for anyone.
That's fine, Laz.
GUILLERMO: Virgins, virgins, virgins
(SCOFFS) Stupid. I don't
know why I always do that.
You know, I've been thinking
about my lineage lately,
and just because I have
Van Helsing blood in me
doesn't mean that I'm destined
to be this vampire killer.
(GRUNTS)
Get back!
I'm sure that somewhere along the line
there was an amazing baker
in my family, right?
But does that make me an amazing baker?
Actually, I am a really,
really good baker.
Oh, no.
COLIN: The thing with motion smoothing
that you have to remember
is, you want it on for sporting events
but off for TV and movies.
Even take a football movie,
like 1974's The Longest Yard,
starring mustachioed
actor Burt Reynolds.
Dude, you're you're blocking kickoff.
Well, better to not
watch the game at all
than to watch in the
wrong format, right?
NADJA: Colin, enough!
They want the owl.
So, do you have any knowledge
of the owl's temperament tonight?
Uh, I hope it's not too fussy.
Who, Charmaine? No,
she's always like that.
- (LAUGHTER)
- CHARMAINE: What'd you say, Frankie?
- FRANK: Oh, nothing.
- (GROANS)
You still owe me $100
for that pizza night.
- Oh, get out of here!
- No, you don't get to talk
- until you give me that pizza
- I paid you back two weeks ago.
- SEAN: Get off it, Charmaine!
- He never paid me back.
- Get off it!
- 100 bucks for pizza?
Ugh, Nadia, you must
be miserable in here.
All this testosterone. Come on.
The other wives are having
a little powwow in the kitchen.
- Sean has more wives?
- SEAN: I wish.
- Excuse me?
- Nothing, nothing.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
MIKEY (CHUCKLING): Busted.
So, how come we never see
you guys around here
- during the regular season?
- SEAN: Believe me, I tried
to get 'em to hang,
but they never seem to be
around during the day.
You know, come to think of it,
I really only see them at night.
It's like they're, uh,
vampires or something.
(LAUGHTER)
- (MEN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)
- Get in.
Fuck.
You heard what he said.
He knows we're vampires.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Um, ocupado.
Yes. Uh, we are just taking
a nice shit together.
WOMAN: I-I'll come back.
I think we need to (GROWLS SOFTLY)
- What, "whack" him?
- Yes.
No, if we "whack" him,
we'll have to "whack" everybody.
The place will be a fucking bloodbath.
But he knows our dark secret.
All right.
Let's get him to a private place
where we'll both hypnotize him.
He'll forget everything.
- Good old double hypnosis.
- Yes.
GUILLERMO: It's tough finding
new groups of virgins.
Tried joggers. Hard to catch
and very sweaty and slippery.
Tried incels. Definitely virgins.
But very bitter, apparently.
"Mosquito Collectors
of the Tristate Area."
Beep, beep, beep. Nerd alert. (CHUCKLES)
I'm kidding.
They are nerds, though.
They're probably virgins.
Sourcing food for my master
does have its benefits.
It gives me a chance to
search for my own food.
And save some for later.
So, um,
how long have you guys been,
uh, collecting mosquitoes for?
Seems like it would take
up a lot of your time
and it wouldn't leave much
time for anything else.
Dating.
What makes you so interested
in mosquito collecting, son?
- Well?
- Uh, I love insects.
Mosquitoes
are an evil, deadly species.
Doesn't the fact that they
drink human blood sicken you?
- Yeah.
- CLAUDE: Yeah? Sure about that?
You guys are the ones
with the mosquito club.
- (CHUCKLES) Just
- What about
other creatures that drink human blood?
Creatures with sharp teeth
and stupid accents?
You
Y-You mean, um, vampires?
You said that, not me.
You did.
But yeah.
Do evil, bloodsucking
vampires sicken you?
Yeah. Yeah.
- They make me sick.
- You sure about that?
Yeah, I want to throw up right now.
Well, brother, you've
come to the right place.
He's worthy.
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Come on, guys. He's worthy.
- TONYA: Oh.
Like we practiced.
(WHOOPING)
- Activate.
- Yes!
CLAUDE: Huh?
Holy
- You guys are vampire hunters.
- (DEREK CHUCKLES)
Hell, yeah, we are.
Yeah, that mosquito thing?
It's all a cover.
Actually, you're the first person
we've gotten to do that cool reveal for.
Wow.
Moving around like a l-lunatic.
Put a collar
on the guy, you know?
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS) Great joke, assholes.
(LAUGHS) -We were just
saying what a beautiful house
- you have.
- Oh, thanks.
Yes. Uh, we were also wondering
if it has an attic or basement or
- Yeah.
- dark, soundproof room
you could show us?
Oh, you guys want a tour.
(CHUCKLES): Yeah, sure. So, these steps
were built by my Uncle Fulvio in 2011.
- (LAUGHS)
- And then Sean says to me,
"Why don't we wait to celebrate
our anniversary until after
"I get back from the Islanders game?
- If they win."
- What?
- (ALL GROAN)
- LIZA: My Ronnie did
the exact same thing
to me, only he did it
on the same day as
my sister's funeral.
CHARMAINE: No.
- Are you kidding?
- Yeah. He said that
NADJA: I had completely
forgotten that when a human
takes a mate, the mate keeps
growing and changing and aging.
- LIZA: He said that.
- Wow.
Can I ask you all, m-my ladies,
you are all such strong, beautiful,
vicious, vibrant women.
(CHUCKLES)
Yes. (CHUCKLES)
How did you all end up married
to such boiled potatoes?
(ALL LAUGH)
You know what, though? Seanie
used to be so thoughtful.
He was so sweet.
When my dog had to get put down,
he brought me flowers
for a month straight.
WENDY: Oh, yeah, I remember that.
CHARMAINE: Yeah, what happened to us?
NADJA: These poor women.
They take a lovely, handsome chap
from the street, make him their husband,
and then, in the blinks of an eye,
he becomes a big, lazy sack of shit.
So sad.
All right. Who needs some more wine?
I think that this bottle's turned,
- but it'll still get the job done.
- Yes, please.
- (CHARMAINE LAUGHS)
- You love wine.
- WENDY: Oh, yeah.
- CHARMAINE: Hey, Joanie.
What, are you lost? Do you
want to go back up to bed?
Oh, what kind of movie are you making?
- There's a camera.
- CHARMAINE: Oh.
You should get back up to bed.
- Oh, we love wine.
- (GLASS SHATTERS)
WENDY: Holy shit.
- What?
- JOAN: It's you.
I-It's you. I-I used
to see you sitting up in the tree.
No, Ma, this is our next-door neighbor.
I'm sorry about her. This is Sean's mom.
The neurologist has her on Aricept now,
but when the sun goes down,
she gets a little mixed up.
You transformed yourself into a cat.
- (LAUGHS)
- You taught me the dance
- of the ancient soothsayer.
- NADJA: Ooh!
Calm yourself, dear.
You're just feeling a
little bit demented,
that's all.
I'm so sorry about your brain.
Oh, yeah, everything she's
saying is completely true.
I am Nadja.
Sean's mother Joanie grew up
right here in this house.
We used to have so much fun together.
I used to pin her to
the ceiling for hours.
- She cried and cried.
- I know you.
Guys, uh, can you help
get Ma back up to bed?
I know her. I know who she is.
NADJA: She used to be
such a cute, little
fresh-faced girl.
But now she just looks
like an elephant's knee.
- Okay, don't make me pick you up, Joan.
- NADJA: Sorry
- about how demented you are. Oh.
- (CHARMAINE SIGHS)
SEAN: And here it is. The
crown jewel of the home.
The world's largest collection
of Ocean's Twelve memorabilia.
Brad Pitt's tinted sunglasses from when
he first meets Baron Toulour. Ooh!
Scott Caan bobblehead, mint condish.
Yeah, it's like,
they did some decent
world-building in Eleven,
but it all pays off in Ocean's Twelve.
You need to fucking stop
talking about the sea.
- What?
- We know that you know our secret.
What secret?
That we are vampires.
You said it downstairs in front
- of all of your round friends.
- I was just joking.
You're not vampires. Get
the fuck out of here.
Yes, we are.
(GASPS) Whoa! How are you doing this?
Where are the wires? How
are you doing that?!
I'm thinking maybe he didn't know.
- So, we shouldn't hypnotize him?
- (GASPS)
- No, now we definitely should.
- Oh, fuck.
Vampires are real.
- Vampires are real!
- Let the double hypnosis
- commence.
- (GAGGING)
We command
- that you forget
- You forget
- everything.
- that we are vampires, please.
(GRUNTS, GASPS)
I think it's worked.
What happened?
Quite all right, Sean?
Uh, yeah, totally.
But wh-who's Sean?
Shit. He's forgotten everything.
CLAUDE: So, what are some of
the terms we use for vampires?
Mosquitoes.
Suckers. Biters.
GUILLERMO (WHISPERING): I
know that it seems like
a big coincidence that I
go out looking for virgins
and find a secret den
of vampire hunters,
but this is no coincidence.
Okay? It's like the
universe has been trying
to tell me for a long
time, "Hey, Guillermo."
And I've been like, "I don't
know, I don't think so."
But now like, "Hey, Guillermo.
Yeah, dude. Yeah."
CLAUDE: Familiars
are pathetic,
lonely, desperate, low-IQ,
sad losers.
They live to do the
bidding of their cruel,
uncaring masters.
Okay, gonna open up the floor to
any thoughts and/or suggestions.
Oh, um, Claude, okay.
One idea that I had is, uh,
that I think that we should
all have sex with each other.
'Cause that way if any of us
is a virgin, then, you know,
we wouldn't be any longer.
And then it would prevent
us from being targeted
- by vampires.
- Derek
you need to stop suggesting that.
Okay, yeah, yeah, to-totally, yeah.
Knock, knock, Joanie.
Miss Nadja, is it really you?
Yes, of course it is me.
I was lying down there.
Oh, I've missed you so
much, my little Joanie!
So, did you have a good life?
Uh, yes.
I-I think so. Oh!
I took a trip to Nova
Scotia at one point.
(NADJA WHOOPS, LAUGHS)
And did you marry that boy you liked?
- Franklin?
- Yeah.
Oh, yes, I
Oh, wow, look.
You were very beautiful
for a very brief moment.
Wait.
Where did you get this necklace?
This is my necklace.
- Pardon?
- The jade one in this photo.
You motherfucker!
It was my prized jade necklace.
It was given to me by my
mother when I was young,
just before she was eaten by a bear.
I should have known you
would have stolen it!
You were always a sneaky
little human shit!
You know, if you listen to it,
you can still hear her screams.
- (DISTORTED SCREAMING)
- It was the type of jade
that absorbs human screams.
And she was really screaming.
So it took it very strongly.
Thieving bitch!
Give it back to me!
You little brat, where is it?!
I don't know what you're talking about!
You are a lying piece of old cabbage!
But I don't know what
you're talking help!
Help! I'm having an episode! Help!
- She attacked me!
- Oh, no, she didn't.
- Oh, she-she did.
- Nadia, go.
Go enjoy yourself, we'll
take care of her.
- Ma, she didn't attack you.
- She-she did.
Mama? Mama?
Scream for me.
My mother gave it to me.
She said, um, "I can't
wait to see you wear this
for the rest of your life
every minute of every day."
And then, honestly, the next day,
walked out the house and bam bear.
Mama, scream for me if you're here.
That is worse than a bible
That burns my eyes.
(HISSES)
Mama?
Mama!
COLIN: Sure, the guys on the field
are having a good time today,
but they're not gonna be having
such a good time in 20 years.
That's when they'll have
applesauce sloshing
around in their skulls.
Has anyone heard the ancient
screams of a very large woman?
ANNOUNCER: What a throw by
- (SCREAMS)
- The halftime show
A lot of people consider
that to be the highlight.
I like the commercials.
I like to see what they come
up with for the Clydesdales
- each year.
- All right, bros, who's ready
for piping-hot nachos
fresh from the microwave?
FRANK: Uh, Sean, those are batteries.
LASZLO: It is possible
to over-hypnotize,
and I fear
that's what we've done with Sean.
You see, there's various
levels of over-hypnosis.
If it's not too serious, it's
what's called "Weak Brain."
If it's slightly worrying, it's
called "Thoughtless Sallies."
And if it's a fucking nightmare
and you can forget about him,
it's "Brain Scramblies."
Yes! Yes!
(ALL CHEERING, CLAMORING)
Go, go, yeah, no, oh, come on!
How is that a yellow card?!
Are you kidding me?!
Typically, when a vampire turns
a human's brain into pudding
from over-hypnosis,
the proper etiquette is
to put them out of their misery
by murdering them.
We're not gonna kill him.
It goes against our
non-killing agreement.
Yes, but it is now necessary to do
the humane thing and
rip Sean's head off.
- (KNOCKING)
- Uh, not now.
We are taking a human shit together.
- Uh
- Have either of you two seen
a jade necklace containing
the bloodcurdling screams
of my dead mother in here?
Eh oh, maybe check behind
the Andy Garcia cross-stitch.
SEAN: No soap? Radio?
Ha, bowling ball.
Nandor wants to kill Sean 'cause
he's got the Brain Scramblies.
Well, then Nandor is correct.
Have you gone soft, my sweet syrup pie?
No, my sweet syrup pie, I've gone hard.
- (SIGHS)
- 'Cause he's my best friend,
he's my pal.
He's my homeboy, my rotten soldier.
He's my sweet cheese, my good-time boy.
Laszlo, this is clearly
what must be done.
(GRUNTING)
Oh, Yahtzee!
For Sean's own sake.
I'll go get my head-ripping gloves.
No, no, no, hang on, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We're not animals.
Let's give him one last
night to remember.
One magical night on Earth before we
"whack" him.
Well, okay, yes, that is fair.
I can feel it, guys.
I mean, I really think we are, like,
this close to finding our first vampire.
- Yes.
- Wait, so you guys
have never actually
met or seen a real vampire.
Well, come on, it's
not like they're just
walking around in broad
daylight, you know?
- Yeah.
- Throwing a football in the park.
- Seriously.
- Running errands.
- Yeah.
- Going to the bank.
- Eating a pretzel.
- Yeah.
- Walking a dog
- SHANICE: I have.
My roommate
was turned
by a vampire.
And became a vampire.
She died right in front of my eyes.
But then she came back to life.
What the fuck?!
But she was different, sick
unnatural.
And eventually she just
vanished.
Her future was so bright.
She was such a brilliant LARPer.
GUILLERMO: I think Shanice and I
might have a mutual friend.
Small world.
This is the life.
Hanging out with my
three favorite gerbils.
I only have one question
Are we inside or outside?
- You need to focus, Sean.
- Huh?
And enjoy the most magical
night of your life.
Hold tight.
What? Whoa How are you doing this?!
How are you doing this?!
What's going on now?!
Oh, God, no! Mother Mary!
- Wait for us.
- Here we come.
Hey!
(SEAN SCREAMING)
Oh, no, no! Fuck me!
LASZLO: Now that you've experienced
the pleasure of flying,
enjoy the marvel of transfiguration.
What?
Bat!
Whoa! Where'd that asshole go?!
Oh, God! Get off! (SHUDDERS)
Look at that, he's having a lovely time.
(SEAN SHOUTING)
- He loves this.
- No, get out of my hair!
Get out of my hair! Get!
- Sean, look at me.
- No!
Stop that! What are you doing?
It ain't natural!
Are you enjoying watching me, Sean?
No! Stop it! Get down here!
(SCREAMS)
Ooh, get a good look at this! Wow!
- Holy shit!
- Sorry, Laszlo.
But, you know, it's his last night.
LASZLO: I don't care.
And now for the grand finale.
NANDOR: We vampires have
dominion of animals.
So we decided to throw you a little
puppy party.
(LAUGHS)
(SNAPS FINGERS)
What have you done?!
- Oh, God!
- (DOGS BARKING)
(SEAN SCREAMING)
(NADJA LAUGHS)
- Sean.
- (LAUGHS)
We did something really good tonight.
I'm proud of us.
- Yes.
- My boys.
(SEAN SCREAMS)
I haven't really had many real friends.
So, when I met Jenna, my
whole life changed, really.
But she was taken from me.
GUILLERMO: I guess I
never really think about
the victims or their families.
Uh, I guess I switched
that part of my brain off
with, um, feelings and emotions.
Killing vampires, killing humans,
collecting victims it's
all so nasty and ugly.
And, you know, I devoted
my life to it, so
SHANICE: So that's why I'm here!
Because vampires cause nothing but pain!
- Hear, hear.
- Hear, hear.
Come on, say "aye" if you're with me.
- Aye!
- I have to go.
I'm so sorry.
I think I left my toilet running.
- You sure?
- Yeah.
We're just about to
start crossbow practice.
What's that?
Derek got us some mannequins
to use as targets.
Yeah.
- Get a load of this, huh?
- That's a weapon.
- Yeah.
- And those are vampires?
Yeah, I got the costumes
at a Halloween store.
Okay, I don't think I'd be really
(ALL WHOOPING, CLAMORING)
Damn, pimp!
- I have to go.
- Whoa!
I'm sorry, is-is it just me,
or is this guy an epic pimp?
We'll see you on Wednesday, right?
No, yeah, a-and if you don't,
it was really nice meeting you.
And, Shanice, I'm very
sorry about your friend.
And you guys should be really careful
when dealing with
vampires they're no joke.
CLAUDE: Hey, hope to see
you again soon, son.
And not just 'cause you,
you have wicked skills with the C-bow.
You're a mighty cool dude, Guillermo.
Thank you.
CLAUDE: Just slide it.
- Yeah, push it to the left
- Yeah, you got
- to throw your weight into it.
- There you go, you got it.
All right, we'll close
it don't worry about it.
GUILLERMO: All right.
Well, that was a lot of fun, old chap.
I bet you could die a happy man.
(GROANS)
He's worse than before.
We've ruined him again.
All the more reason to put
him out of his misery.
- Go ahead, Nandor.
- Yes.
Here I go.
Head rub time.
LASZLO: Forgive us, old chap.
Oh, my God.
Who is that piece of ass?
Mamaloosha!
That is Charmaine.
You know her?
She's your wife.
(LAUGHING): Yeah.
- I wish.
- Seanie!
I've been calling for you
for, like, 20 minutes.
The garbage disposal's
all messed up again.
You are the most beautiful creature
I have ever seen.
CHARMAINE: Stop messing around.
SEAN: I want to spend the rest
of my life making you happy.
This is for you.
It's a token of my undying love.
You emptied out a junk drawer?
- What the hell is wrong with you?
- (CHUCKLES)
Wha what is this?
- What?
- This is beautiful.
Seanie, did you get this for me?
- That is my necklace.
- Oh, my God, Seanie.
- This is a bloody
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Leave them to it, my darling.
I suppose it is quite sweet.
I'll just get it when they die.
(CHARMAINE GIGGLING)
NANDOR: So, we didn't need
to kill Sean after all.
Yes, his mind has been wiped
to a blank slate and now
he can start a new one just
focused on the amazingness
of his wife and his marriage, and
he doesn't remember
we're vampires at all.
Come on, Colin Robinson.
- We're off.
- Hold on a minute.
I-I may have overdone it.
This one just pissed himself.
Who cares? Come on, let's go.
NANDOR: So, all in all, I would say
our first Superb Owl celebration
was a marked success.
Even though the owl didn't show up.
Ooh, night owl ♪
Well, yeah ♪
- Here come the night owl ♪
- Ooh, night owl ♪
Oh, oh, oh ♪
Can you tell me, how
is it you haven't aged
after all these years?
I have the gift of eternal life.
Oh, wow.
- Yeah, well.
- Oh, can you
share this gift with me?
I would love to be young again.
Yeah, that's not really how it works.
If I turned you, you
would stay forever
like this.
Oh.
- Well, I'll pass, then.
- Yeah.
Ooh, night owl ♪
(HOOTING)
- Now you try to tell me ♪
- Ooh, night owl ♪
What a fool you've been ♪
Ooh, night owl ♪
- Yes, but it's all-all over ♪
- Ooh, night owl ♪
Be on your merry way ♪
Ooh. ♪
(HOOTING)