Wild West (2002) s02e03 Episode Script

Oh, your dad called.
Oh, thanks.
You said you were gonna drive him round Cornwall.
He's coming down Friday week.
So your not being able to drive doesn't worry you? So you've lied to your scary daddy whose approval you seek so desperately and never get, and that'sOK, is it? Oh, you know.
Oh, my God! What am l gonna do? l didn't think he'd come! Yeah.
OK, OK, OK, OK.
You've got three options, haven't you? You admit to your father that you're a lying, useless failure or you get a new face and move to another country.
l personally favour that choice.
Or, you learn to drive in ten days, which is approximately the amount of time it took you to learn that the amber was between the red and the green.
l could do it.
l could learn.
l've passed my theory test.
- Yeah.
At the 1 1th attempt.
- lt counts! lt counts! You see, love, gorgeous, you are too angry to drive.
Don't get me wrong.
l think you should be more independent.
l'm just saying you need to allocate the real time it's going to take you to learn.
Off the top of my head, what, eight years? No.
l am gonna do it in ten days and you are going to teach me in the van.
l don't think so.
l think so.
l don't think so.
lthinkso.
l'm too busy.
(Seagulls cry) - ls that somebody? - What? Where? l'm sorry but l'm nervous of public acts of love.
Public? A Peeping Tom would need the frigging Hubble telescope to see us.
l'm not taking chances.
l've never done this.
You've never had sex in the open air? God, it's fantastic.
You get the wind round your No, l've never had sex.
At all.
This would be by way of my debut.
No.
How did that happen? Well, Jeanette Farley was wrestling with her sexuality and losing.
Sandra Farley didn't think of me that way.
Pat Farquhar had some technical fault down there and six years with WPC Smothers who didn't believe in premarital sex, except, it turned out, with Sergeant Lindley.
Right.
OK.
Well Let's release this animal into the wild.
No, no, no.
l can't l can't concentrate.
lt's the police vehicle.
lt's putting me off.
- lt's just a rather garish car.
- No, it's more than that.
lt'slike acolleague.
A colleague you can sit in.
Alan, are you unenthusiastic about sexual intercourse? Not at all.
l've played and replayed the moment when we finallyyou know.
Me too.
lt's good, isn't it? - lt is good.
- Yeah.
l'm a bit like a lady in that sense.
The mood has to be right.
Oh, right, yeah.
Mood, yeah.
Mood.
You share your flat with Angela and my sister's with me.
There's nowhere to do it.
- We'll go to a hotel.
- No.
They know me in the local hotels.
lt'll look sordid.
We'll do it soon.
- l'm sorry but l can't drive you back.
- Why not? Because l amnow on duty and l'm not permitted to use a police vehicle for Right.
Duty, yes.
Duty, that's right.
- lt's a lovely walk back.
- ls it? Good.
PC Alan is a virgin.
Don't be alarmed.
Remain indoors.
PC Alan is a virgin.
The test centre has a cancellation.
l have a test in a week, just before Dad arrives.
Yeah, OK.
All right, all right.
Right.
Now.
ls this right? You've got pork scratchings as an accelerator, Pringles as a brake and you've got a peanut clutch.
- So how do l drive? - Right.
Turn on your engine.
Good.
Now, look in your mirror.
Holly, come and be a mirror.
Come on, quick.
That's it.
Now, check behind you that nothing's coming up.
No, in your mirror.
Your Holly.
- Oh, right.
ln my Holly.
- That's it.
Now, press down on your indicator.
Harry, come on.
So it's mirror, sig Holly, Harry, manoeuvre.
- Manoeuvre? - That means turn the wheel.
Here you go.
Look.
Use that.
Go on.
- Now we move up through the gears.
- The what? The gear lever.
- Right.
- OK.
Right.
Now.
Left food down on the nuts.
Ashtray.
lnto first.
That's it.
Slowly up on the nuts.
And right foot ease down on your scratchings.
- Keep checking your Holly.
- Constantly checking your Holly.
Left food down on the nuts and up into second gear.
- Gear? - (All) The ashtray, the ashtray.
That's it.
So nuts, scratchings, nuts.
An ageing but strangely handsome boatman crossing the road.
- Pringles! Pringles! - You need Pringles.
And ashtray, nuts.
Ashtray! Ashtray! And relax.
- Not too bad.
- Yeah.
l think you've got that.
(Mary) So can you think where you went wrong? Did l press down too hard on my scratchings? Yes, you bloody did.
OK.
So, we're gonna start off again, if we must.
That's it.
That's it.
Now, this time, we're gonna gently squeeze the pedal as though you were bruising a grape.
l said bruise a grape.
Not mash it into a cocking pulp! What are you doing? l'm putting my hand on the pedal.
lt's more sensitive than my foot.
But you won't be able to see anything.
(Angela) That was better, though? Wasn't it? This time? Smoother.
(Moaning) This is little short of sensational.
This is your moment.
PC Alan is Oh! Go He came here as a boy.
He's gonna leave here as a man.
- What's the matter now? What? What? - No.
lt's not safe out here.
l have a position of respect in the community.
This is a beautiful thing we're doing.
You could hang this in the National Gallery.
That view isn't shared by section 23, subsection 4 of the Vagrancy Act, 1824.
What are you, a man or a policeman? Well, l'm a policeman.
Yeah.
l'm a policeman.
Oh! Oh Yes.
Oh, yes.
Yes! (Laughs) l'm not scared.
- l'm not scared.
- OK.
l'm ready.
Send him in.
(Mary moans) Although there are some children watching.
lt's OK.
Stay still.
That's it.
They'll go away.
Jemima, Sarah Jane, Norma.
Stand away! l said stand away! How dare you do that in front of my children? Do you mind? You have just interrupted a perfectly good - No.
Mary, l'll handle this.
- l'm going to need your addresses.
Oh, l don't think we need to worry about that, sir.
lt is an offence to commit an act of indecency in a public place.
l know.
l was just telling my friend here.
You first.
Name.
Listen.
Perhaps a donation to the charity of your choice.
You can't buy me, nor the innocence of my children.
Yeah.
All right.
His name is PeterHardcastle.
He lives at Creamery Cottage, Meryl Street.
Not true.
l'm a policeman and l will not lie.
My name is PC Alan Alan, Police Cottages, Stoney Road, Pemp.
And l amSigourneyCornfield, of Whumpet House Mary Trewednack, Post Office, High Street, St Gweep.
- You - Thank you.
Away! Good day to you.
Um God.
That's bad.
l could lose my job over this.
OK.
That was good, really good, Angela.
You're gaining in confidence and that's half the battle.
What l propose now is that you edge forward, reasonably straight.
Right.
(Engine roars) Can l stop you there? Can l stop you there, please? l'm flying! Catch me if you can! For the love of all that's magical and precious, can l stop you, please, Angela? Whoa Slow down.
You're a keen one.
l wanna try something new now.
l'm gonna get out of the car and let you No, no, no, no, no.
l really need to practise.
Please, Holly.
l appreciate this.
- Any favour l can do for you, just ask.
- Don't make me drive with you.
Apart from that.
Hand away from the door, Holly.
Just checking l sense this means quite a lot to you.
What shall we do now? Angela.
Ask yourself.
Should you be so desperate to impress your father? Sounds to me like he doesn't love you and never will.
Where shall we go next? There's a good bus service that could take you both around Cornwall, albeit very slowly and at great expense.
So, PC Alan likes to have sex in public.
We were hidden in a field of tall vegetation.
Then you're lucky agricultural damage wasn't included on the complaint.
Did you make an interesting crop circle? Nothing worth photographing.
l'm gonna have to refer this up to Truro.
- Can't we bury it? - l didn't hear that.
- l said, can't we bury it? - l heard it.
So that's ten years of diligent policing jeopardised by, l would guesstimate, seven minutes of lust? lgnorance of the law ora throbbing erection are no excuse in the eyes of Lady Justice.
All right, Al? Look what l bought you.
Brand new set of stamps.
Bloody great big bridges of Great Britain or some such.
- Thank you.
- You've got a shitload of crime to fight, you great, big, brave virgin soldier, you.
But l wanted to see you.
l thought l left you a bit anxious.
Did l, lover? You all right now? Yeah? Good-oh! OK.
Here's some cheese, a little bit past its sell-by date but only by a matter of weeks.
- All isn't well.
- Oh? A complaint has been made about us re allegedly lewd behaviour.
We may well be charged.
Oh.
How much? - No.
Charged.
- Oh, charged? - Proper charged.
- OK.
Look.
Nobody knows about this.
We can keep it really quiet.
(Angela) See, l don't think anyone's gonna pay a blind bit of notice to that.
- Really.
- Do you think, Ange? Yeah.
l mean, if anything, this will inspire jealousy.
- Are you sure? - Honestly.
Honestly.
- Morning.
- Morning.
l hear there's a new crop-rotation system in use locally.
First year wheat, next year barley, then a year of rampant sex play and fornication.
Then wheat, then barley, then l'll have a paper.
- Any news about the van? - They said it'll be ready in three days.
Well, that's garage for two weeks.
So four days till your test, no vehicle to do it in and absolutely no knowledge of how to drive.
- How's your confidence? - l need to borrow someone's car.
Listen.
l mean this lovingly, Ange, but who the cocking cock would be sick enough in the head to teach you to drive with your record? Morning.
lt's a verylong skirt.
Yes, it is.
You'll be constricted in that.
Can't learn to drive in that.
No, no.
That's still too constricting.
That won't do.
OK! That's better.
Start the car.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What have l done wrong? - You didn't waggle the gear stick? - Waggle it? Oh, yeah.
You gotta give it a waggle.
Good.
Go on.
- Ever seen the movie Crash at all? - No.
- lt was very good.
- Mm, yeah.
Can l change up now? No.
Yes, Crash is about these people who get a sexual kick out of cars.
Yes, that, er Well, it might seem a bit odd or sick at first until you remember how many people lost their virginity in a car.
- Where did you lose yours? - Not telling you.
- Shall l stop the car? - ln a bed.
Yeah, well, you missed out.
Lost mine in a Hillman lmp.
GTl3.
British Racing Green trim, 12 inch, wire wheels.
Yeah? Who was that with? l can't remember.
All right.
Just open the window.
You're overheating now.
Now, l need to practice reversing around a corner.
OK.
What's happening? Don't worry.
l know what l'm doing.
Oh, Angela (Buzzer) Hello? Oh.
Come on up.
- Evening, all.
- Hello.
Look at this.
Just, erplanning ahead.
You know, being supportive.
Right.
So, er Did you read about us in the paper? Yes.
l'm afraid we can't go out any more, Mary.
Oh.
Oh, right.
lf you wanna break up with me, that is fine.
Just don't blame it on some silly item in the UK's least-accurate newspaper.
l'm just very ashamed, that's all.
Even if l keep my job, l become a figure of fun overnight.
Overnight? Come on.
You've put in a hell of a lot of groundwork.
l tried to arrest someone today for stealing 5,000 bollards over eight years and he bared his bottom and called me a sex fiend.
What do you get for stealing bollards these days? Six months.
And your own contraflow system.
Look.
People in small villages will always tittle-tattle.
l'm an experienced tittle-tattler myself.
Doesn't mean a thing.
Come here.
Sorry.
When l take a decision, l stick to it.
Well, now you're just telling lies.
Where's Angela? She's out.
Driving lesson with Jeff.
And to your knowledge, this living room isn't a public right of way? No.
(Alan) Well, this is better than sex.
(Alan) Yes! Oh, God (Mary) Can you hang on a minute? l haven't got my pants off yet.
(Alan) Sorry.
(Mary) Yeah, there we go.
l'm access all areas, now.
Give it to me.
Poke me all the way to Devon.
Get out.
Um Can lwalk you home at all? Well, you gave it your best shot, Ange.
How are you going to tell your emotionally abusive son of a bitch dad that you can't drive? This isn't over.
There was a moment yesterday when l was driving Jeff's car when l just felt totally in control, me and the machine as one.
- Then you crashed.
- That's true.
- How is Jeff's car? - lt's fine.
Fine.
They just need to replace the, ermcar.
Poor Jeff.
No, he was actually quite excited by the crash.
He asked me to do it again in stockings.
My dad never loved me either, Angela.
Mine's fine.
He had to send me away to boarding school.
He was allergic to me.
lt was a chemical thing.
- Have you read any Freud? - l know.
l want to sleep with my dad.
No, that's not Freud.
That's, ermBrookside, was it? - Yeah.
- You wanna kill your dad.
ln Freudian terms, you want to sleep with your son.
Or he wants to sleep with you.
Which brings us neatly to you.
Eh? Hang on.
PC Alan is not young enough to be my s - Quite good, that Freud, isn't he? - l had this with my dad.
l could never be good enough for him, meet his high standards.
So when l was big enough, l gave him a big slap, right on the head there.
Simple but effective.
lt's actually what Freud recommends.
- (Jake) Morning.
- All right? Didn't see you in the pub last night.
Were you at home with your feet up? Oh, Angela.
Sorry to hear about your latest car crash.
Venice.
There's a town that's got it right.
They should flood St lves, get a few gondolas in.
But oh, no.
That's too much trouble.
Morning, all.
Here y'are.
l see Caught With Your Pants Down romped home in the 6:30 at Ascot.
Harry? No, you're not driving my camper van.
- lt's only for 48 hours.
- As my own instructor said, it only takes a second to mow down a group of surfers outside a chip shop.
- l should know.
- l'll pay you.
How much? Hey, hey, hey.
My life's worth more than 20 quid.
- ls it? You sure? - OK.
£200 plus 800 if l pass.
- What? - Too much? - Done.
- Can l go? Yeah, go on.
And l'll have a length of copper, please.
- Mirrors.
- Yes.
Turn it this way.
- You're drifting back.
- lt's good, though.
And now this way.
Oh, yeah.
l've been making an effort to brush up on my signing.
What was that about? Daphne just asked me if l'd ordered any more peanuts, and l may have accidentally asked her to take her top off.
(Silence) - Usual, please.
- OK.
Don't take it to heart.
We just haven't got anything else to talk about.
Yeah.
Get that down your throat.
(? Frankie Goes To Hollywood: Relax on jukebox) - Mind you, they are playing your song.
- Here.
Have a bar snack.
Right.
Right.
Happy though l am to provide endless hours of amusement, l'd like to publicly state that, yes, l, Mary Trewednack am having sex with stocky crime buster PC Alan.
And l'd like to add, also, a great big piss off to everyone who's been too cowardly to look me in the eye recently.
And if you see PC Alan, maybe you'll go completely mad and thank him for all his years of passionate policing, instead of hounding him out of my life.
l know he's a copper, butyou know.
No one's perfect.
So, if you'll excuse me, l'll be off.
And you will probably never, ever see me in St Gweep ever again, ever.
Again.
Alternatively, if l was to be persuaded to stay, l'd need massive amounts of cheering up.
You probably all want to buy me a drink to ease the pain.
Oh, it's always the last ten drinks that does it.
Oh Oh, God - Where did you crash? - No, no.
Oh, no, no.
No crash.
l have been driving for 48 hours and l'm a little bit weary.
- (Sobs) - Did you practise emergency stops? Yes.
ln three different counties.
Now l have to get ready to make myself presentable for my test.
- Yeah.
- Oh, God! Oh, God Oh, God Oh, sh - Oh, God! - Sorry.
l was rearranging my leaflets.
Oh, OK.
- So how are you? - Got a bit of a hangover.
That's an understatement.
ln fact, l literally want to die.
- Don't do that.
- Oh.
They've decided not to prosecute us for lewdness.
ln fact, it gets easier the more you're caught in flagrante.
lf it happens again, l'll probably put on a bit of a show.
Well, l'm available for performances most afternoons and evenings.
- Oh.
Super.
- And mornings.
(Phone) Oh.
That'll probably be for me, l expect.
Police station.
Yeah.
This is gonna be a little bit awkward.
Hello, Ange.
l'm sorry that you l've passed! l'm just spraying champagne everywhere like a racing driver! lf you see my dad, can you tell him l'm on my way? Sorry, love.
Sorry.
l think l'll hire a car to travel round Cornwall.
Yes! - Cut that jaywalking out, would you? - Shut your face.
- Come here and say that.
- (Angela) Hello! Hello, St Gweep! - Nice car! - Take it back.
Buy a Golf.
- Well done, Angela.
- Will you give me a lift to Sainsbury's? l wouldn't come out yet.
lt's Angela.
ln a car! ''Well done, Angela.
''See what you can do when you put your mind to things?'' Which was it? Peanuts or Pringles? Daddy! l wouldn't have run him over if l hadn't been so tired.
No, absolutely.
Or maybe Freud was right and you did actually want to kill your father.
l don't think l care.
Gonna visit him in the hospital? - Well, can l borrow the van? - No.
- What did he say? - Daddy? - Mm.
- He said, er''Aaaah!'' No.
No.
Later.
Oh.
Erm Do you know, l think he was actually quite proud of me.
- For running him over? - Yeah.
He didn't say it as such but it was sort of there.
Unspoken, you know? ln between the swearing.
Shall we go again? Without me fainting this time.
He's very keen, isn't he? Yeah.
Yeah, he's very keen.