Workaholics s02e03 Episode Script

- Come on! - Turn it on, brotha.
I'm trying, brother.
Let's go! Panini are gettin' cold, brother.
It won't work, brother.
Then how are we gonna watch Monday Night Raw, brother? Yeah.
Yo, hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Relax, brother! Wrestlemania 28 is-- is happening in 72 hours.
We're hosting it.
We're known for this party.
And we have a pack of giant dudes comin' over.
John Paul's dad is coming over.
I'm just saying that maybe we don't need a tv.
We've got an entire wall of entertainment.
Aah! Aah! - Hi-ya! - Hi-ya! Whoo! - Oh, ho, yeah! - Nice! I wanna do a book grenade.
- Do it, bub.
- All right.
- Light it, light it.
- This is fun.
- Light it up.
- Now we're cookin'.
- All right, that one.
- Let's do it, man.
Oh, dude, your hair's on fire! - What? - Your hair! I'm okay! - That was awesome! - We have to get a tv.
Yes, tv, definitely.
I'm fresh you gotta, you gotta, you gotta gotta be fresh Okay, everyone, eyes up here.
Jet set, could you take the headphones off, please? They're not on.
Okay, great.
So, uh, we have a very special treat today.
It seems the folks at frostwell have decided that the first person to sell 20 units is going to get a brand new, top-of-the-line glacier refrigerator.
What? So if you make a sale, just come on down and ring the frostwell bell.
- Well, there goes our nap time.
- Yeah.
Jillian.
Ah! Why is there a refrigerator in here? - Guys.
- Tv.
Jet set, just-- - wrestlemania.
Good luck, chumps.
I'm takin' my life to the next level.
Gonna get that garage fridge.
That's a living room television.
Garage fridge.
Strictly venison.
All deer everything.
We should buy deer.
Where do you buy deer at? I hunt, man.
You don't think black folks can hunt? I ski, snorkel.
We're takin' this whole [Bleep.]
Over.
Wait, he's black? There's no way to tell.
Okay, guys, uh, don't forget to grab your leads on the way out, and, oh--and, uh, I'd like to introduce you to Naomi.
She's going to be temping for al today, and she actually just moved here from Australia.
Hi, everyone.
It's a pleasure to be here.
Ow! I know.
The one day we need to focus, and she had to temp.
Don't mind me.
I'll just be here with my breasts and boobs, being a girl as hard as possible.
Freakin' Austrians, like, land down under.
And you know she just dates the hottest dudes of all time.
If you don't want to date me, that's fine.
I get that.
But you're wrong, and I hate you.
Let her date the-- the underwear models and the pro surfers, okay? I'm sorry if we're real people.
- We're real.
- So real.
We're the realest people.
- I know.
- So real.
I'm sick of beautiful people who don't have to work for their beauty, when I'm over here, sweatin' my balls off for all this beauty.
And you can hardly tell some days.
Oh, no.
I'm not wearing underwear.
- Mm.
- What happens when I pre-ejaculate? No one is going to pre-, ok? - I always do.
- Guys! Let's-- let's just think of a flaw, right? She's not perfect.
Yes, she's exactly what we want to be raped by, right? - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
But does she have the build to birth me my olympic triathlete son? No.
Not with those giant cans and tapered waist.
I'm sorry.
It's just not gonna happen.
Ders, she has the face of a God.
If I look directly at her, I will pre- my pants.
- You pre- a lot too.
You could fill up an otter pop sleeve.
Oh! Oh! Didn't see you there.
I--I'm Jillian belk, Alice's assistant.
- Oh.
Naomi.
- Nice to meet you.
I just wanted to say, I'm so happy to have someone here who's my age and just, like, - a regular girl.
- Yeah.
No, definitely.
Because most of these people are real creeps.
Really? Oh, what, you want this? You want some of this? No, waymond.
It's not a Warren g music video.
Hey, little dude, what's up? Is your mom home? I-- why aren't you at school? Suspended? Cool.
No, sir, you're gonna love thisBoob.
Uh, refrigerator.
It's pretty boob.
Look, I'm calling to-- uh, we got refrigerators that we're selling.
Do you want one? Only a four-inch blade? And she grounded you too? Oh, that is dumb.
Uh, you know what? I gotta go, man.
Sorry about your dumb mom.
Uh, knives rule! Hey, um, sorry to bother you guys.
Oh.
Not a problem, what's up? Is there a coat rack around here? Yeah, it's called the back of your chair.
Yeah, this ain't the four seasons so, you know, get real.
Act real.
Why aren't you real? Yeah.
Fo' sure.
Oh, my God.
So how are you guys going with sales? I just got my first one.
Wow! We'll call CNN, and tell Anderson Cooper about it, and he'll probably like, break the story.
Anderson Cooper.
- Break the story.
- Right? No, but seriously, how sweet is that new fridge? It would go perfect in my new flat.
Oh, yeah, well, you know, not all of us get what we want.
Some of us have to work super hard for it, like, you know, like real people, uh, we're real, and you're not, you're like an a--you're like an angel.
Yeah.
Uh, is the sorceress gone? No, man, she's here, she's still here.
Oh.
Um, okay, well, good luck with your sales.
Well, uh, I don't need any luck, 'cause I'm 100% skill, so-- it--I-- you're-- - got her.
What's up, slut? Oh, my gosh.
You're such a whore.
Bye.
Hey, Jill.
- This is for you.
- Oh! - Read it.
- Uh, okay.
Oh, but with your voice.
Oh.
Okay, uh Will you go to lunch with me? - And--the-- - Uh, your close friend, Jillian.
- Well, sure.
That sounds great.
- All right.
Uh, do you want to hit up the steak and shake? I'm actually a vegetarian.
What? How do you not eat meat? - Well-- - Is A question that I get asked all the time by people, because I'm also a vegetarian too.
- Oh.
- As well.
So do you want to get a table for two at the international house of salads? - Okay.
- Later, hooker.
Okay.
- Hey, guys.
- The boobs are like, what-- - hey.
I'm sorry, but you probably won't be seeing as much of me, now that I got a new besty-- Naomi.
She's very cool.
And don't put meats on my desk.
Just for today.
Chalk it up, boys.
Five fridges in 40 minutes.
It's a land speed record.
- How many y'all got? - Uh - Zero, right now.
- Yeah.
I mean, how do you even concentrate with that sex demon Naomi walkin' around, smellin' all delicious? Because I love my wife.
Can't no strange come between what I got in this bedroom.
You understand? Colleen got that stingray coochie.
Do you feel me, Ders? Never do.
You need some love, 'cause it will sustain y'all.
We are t-minus 61 hours until wrestlemania.
Guys Maybe we should just go find a cheap tv on craigslist.
What a quitter.
There's a free tv out there, just waiting to be won.
You don't think I know that? I'm just trying to focus.
Ugh, me too.
It's kind of hard to focus, especially since I got one of those fifth grade boners, where your dick hasn't fully grown yet, and all the blood's rushin' into it, and it gets super hard.
Remember those? - Does this look weird? - What? Yes! I'm, uh, tuckin' my boner up.
Oh, yeah, no, I've been tucked up since jump.
Actually the metal in my belt's pokin' it a little bit.
- It hurts.
- Guys, what is the plan? Obviously, we're just gonna go in the bathroom, masturbate, maybe once, maybe twice, who knows? Try to get everything out.
Come back out here, get on the phones, and be sales monsters.
You're gonna crank down here at the office? You think that's a smart idea? People take smoke breaks all the time.
Yeah.
So we'll take a stroke break.
You can get fired for this.
Well, if it makes you feel better, we'll ask Alice first.
That's a worse idea than just doing it by its own! You're being a child, and that's weird, because you're one of the oldest people I know.
Blake, shall we? You're doing it now? Okay.
This I gotta see.
Alice, Ders wants to know if he can masturbate in the office.
You gotta, gotta be fresh he's insane, ah Holmvic, get in here.
Mm.
Let me guess, she said no? Told you guys, it was stupid to ask.
I'm sorry.
Okay, so this isn't a joke? Oh, no, they're serious.
We've been talking about it all day.
Anders, I never thought I would actually have to say this to you, but you're not allowed to masturbate at work.
Sorry, dude, we tried.
Really hard.
Wait, no, no.
Me? No.
Them.
They want to masturbate.
I-- - oh, what, so you don't want to crank it? No, of course, I'd love to, but I'm not gonna ask her.
Oh, so you're gonna do it without asking? Were you raised in a barn, Anders? No one is masturbating anywhere in the office! Now get out! - I think that went great.
- What? Yeah, you heard what she said.
No masturbating in the office.
Skoo! Oh, this is fun.
It reminds me of, like, when you were a kid, and you'd masturbate in the car on the way to church.
Did you guys use to do that? Guys, can we just make this quick? I'm pretty sure we can go to jail for this.
Ders, can you make some sounds, dude? I can't really masturbate when it's too quiet.
- I'm not making sounds for you.
- Oh, that's perfect, thank you.
- Stop--shh! - Oh! That's even better.
I love it when they shush me.
- Oh! - Oh, sorry.
Get out of my crank zone! Sorry, dude, I just have a seat belt buckle up my ass.
This sucks.
We don't have any porno or anything.
I have literally no sexual memories.
I haven't had sex with many girls, truthfully.
But I know who has some perfect moobs! - Come on! - Let me feel those nips! Get off me! Stop it! Get off my titties! - Let me feel those nips! - Get back in your zone, dude.
My penis is right here.
My zone sucks! Your zones are so much fun.
You got, like, a steering wheel to hold on to, extra grip.
You got all that room back there.
Can I come in your zone, Blake? Uh, well, nobody's comin' in my zone, muchacho, heh.
I'm not used to sitting up and masturbating.
I'm just punching myself in the nuts.
Are you guys havin' that? I have really big balls, though.
So no big deal.
Ders, what's goin' on, buddy? Pretty quiet over there.
You wanna borrow some of my lube? Wait a minute, you've got lube? - Yeah.
- Pass it back here.
Well, it's not lube, necessarily.
- Guys.
- It's car wax.
But it's really puttin' a nice shimmer.
- It's--it's gleaming right now.
- Oh.
I want to show this off.
I want to take-- - just go dry.
You're grossing me out.
Please go dry.
You're a dry guy? Wow, that makes so much sense.
Little known fact-- most serial killers were dry guys.
I recently read a book on-- on the subject-- it was a blog, but I read it.
That's not true.
I'm a dry guy.
There's a lot of normal guys out there that are dry guys.
No.
No, creeps are dry guys.
- No, normal people are.
- Fred durst is a dry guy.
That was also part of the blog.
Besides the point, I don't think it should be some grand ritual, where you're gettin' lubes and lighting candles.
It should just be-- - no candles.
- A spontaneous treat.
- Oh! Oh, my God, ah! It's burned my dick.
I think I got some in my pee-hole.
- Rawr.
- Oof! Whoo! Oh, I'm going to be the first one! - Oh.
- Oh, I'm gonna win.
Ho-o-oly moly! Oh! - That did not work out.
- Come on.
Oh! This one goes to 11, bitches! If anybody think they can sell better than monteezy, be my Christopher guest.
Waymy, come get this bell.
All right.
Great job, dude.
- Wow, I hate him.
Really! - Okay, uh-- this has to stop.
How many sales do we have? - Uh, nearing zero.
- We've gotYeah, none.
Oh, here--here she comes.
Here she comes, of course.
- Tuck 'em up.
Tuck 'em up.
- Tuck 'em up.
- Tuck 'em up.
- Tuck 'em--ow.
- Hey, how are you, chief? - Hey.
Hi, guys.
- Oh, my God.
- Are you okay-- ho-o-oly butt cheeks! - Are you all right? - Those are her-- - That's a butt.
- Do you need help? - I'm sorry.
- That's a-- - That looks like it.
Oh, you got it, you got it.
Help her.
- That was-- - Boys! This babe has to bounce.
She do what? Guys, let's just talk to her.
Thanks for lunch, Gil.
Yeah.
Enjoy the spring rolls.
We'll talk about everything later.
What's up? - What's up? - Yo.
Who's that dude? Oh, uh, that's my boyfriend.
Well, actually I don't really know at the moment.
You're kidding, right? That's your boyfriend, that guy? Is or was.
We actually might be breaking up.
But you dated that dude? That regular-ass dude? What? That's like a five.
What's that guy's story? Does he do your hair? He's a gay dude doin' your hair, huh? Right? Oh, my gosh! He's packin' heat, huh? - Yeah, for sure.
- Yup, yeah, big one.
- Tell me when to stop.
- He's got a huge one? Huge one? He works at bevmo.
He's a bevmo dude? - Like, check-out or stock? - Totally.
'Cause if he's stock, I know he can lift.
Well, he seems like a sweetheart, he seemed-- and also stout.
- Uh-huh.
- And that's important.
- I'm pretty stout as well.
- Hope you guys patch it.
- Hang on just a second.
- Let's just-- - oh, my gosh, she dates losers.
That means we have a chance.
- She's so ours.
She's so ours.
- Let's get her.
Hey, nay-nay.
Are you ready for lunch? Oh.
Gil surprised me and brought me veggie spring rolls.
- I'm so sorry.
- Oh.
No, that's-- no, that's fine.
That's okay.
Um, I was gonna give this to you at lunch, during the second course, but let's just open it now.
- Thank you.
I-- - No, go for it.
- It's crappy wrapping, so just - Oh.
Okay.
Go for it.
Surprise! You had no idea that I was watching you, and you just looked so peaceful, so I just snapped a pic.
- Thank you.
It's-- - You like it? - Yeah.
- Yeah, [Bleep.]
Yeah! Yes! Whoo! - Thank you.
- But we should get one of me.
- Yeah? - Sure.
We could do that.
- Okay, cool.
That's awesome.
- Okay.
Okay.
Did you know that in Africa, they believe that a picture captures the soul? - Holy! Moly! - Oh! If she dates that regular-ass dude, then you know she's totally down to d.
T.
F.
All of us.
Hey, may the best regular-ass dude win, huh? - Wait a sec.
- How do I look? That's not gonna work.
We're gonna get backstabby, it's gonna ruin it for everyone.
He's right.
Hey! I got it! Let's win that refrigerator for her.
Yeah, she's been talkin' about it all day.
We'll give it to her, and she'll have no choice but to date one of us.
Women do love electronics.
That is 100% true.
My dad gave my mom a car charger for her 40th birthday, and she was just blowin' him seven days straight.
Demamp power grunt, like, whoa, comin' through the walls, just-- Oh! Oh! Ohh! Imagine what we'd get for a refrigerator.
Standing cartwheel 69s.
Under different circumstances we'd probably be friends girl, I've known you now for a long, long time How much longer you need to make up your mind 'cause I'm ready to crack the whip for you now put my heart and soul in it crash and burn for you now don't you know I'm yours for the takin' baby, I'm yours for the takin' I'm yours - Yeah! - All right, all right.
So Montez has 18.
How many we got? Three.
What? I saw you ring the bell like 100 times.
Uh, yeah, it's-- it's really fun.
What the hell is going on, dudes? Montez is over there just runnin' train on us, and it's hurtin' my pride.
He's just-- he's just a dope salesman.
He's really good, he's really talented.
- He's like a machine.
- He's like Charlie sheen - in that movie.
- Stop.
What movie was that? What the "f" word is happening right now, guys? The--the chase.
Okay, look.
Uh, Montez makes a few sales, and we're ready to crown him the king-- the hot dog--uh, guy? No! I am sick of tired about hearing what a great salesman Montez is.
Screw him.
- All right.
- Yes! Cool, what's-- so what's the plan? Oh, I don't-- I don't know.
- Oh.
- Adam? - Wow, I'm not good with plans.
- Haven't revved up.
Whoa.
Oh, my God! What if we gave him some cold leads? Adam, the guy Stingrays.
He'd make the sale.
Well, not if he was sellin' to the coldest lead of them all.
Me.
- Rich, that's what I'm tell-- - Montez, what up, dog? Your mustache is looking great and I just wanted to let you know you're-- oh, murdering it.
Well, I'm a sales juggernaut.
I'm the Lance Armstrong of this business right now.
You only have one ball? And I'll have you know something else.
I already had Colleen move the washer/dryer combo to make way for my new deer fridge.
That's important.
I want a strong wife.
Hey, Alice told me to give you guys these new leads - Ooh.
- And supposedly they're the hot [Bleep.]
, so-- - gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme-- - All right.
Wow.
Hey, it's Blake.
Yeah, I talked to you earlier.
Your mom grounded you for the knife? Well, I think that's bull crap.
Actually my nickname is blade.
Watch and learn, little chipmunk.
'Cause I'm about to roast this nut.
Hello.
Yes, um, is this Mr.
Terry bollea? Oh, you've reached Terry, brother.
How you doinin' today, sir? Well, pretty good, besides the fact that my refrigerator just busted.
Way-way, get the bell.
I have an idea of how you can get back at your mom.
Do you know where she keeps her credit cards? Good.
Get the platinum one.
Basically, sir, this fridge is as good as it's gonna get.
Does it make ice cubes? Crushed and whole.
Can ya keep eggs in it? Of course, eggs, meat, anything you want.
- Jell-o? - Jell-o, yes.
Here's the deal, you're gonna give me the numbers on that credit card, and I promise you, mama's gonna rue the day she grounded you for bringing a knife to school.
- Juice? - Yes.
- Apple juice? - Yeah-huh.
- Carrot juice? - Oh, my God--yeah, uh-huh.
What about my different cheeses? Provolone? It's happening.
He's doing it! He's giving me his parents' credit card number.
I just sold Whoo! You're goin' down, people.
It's going down, people! Whoo! Whoo! What? He got 20? Hello? Terry? Terry? - How'd those leads work out? - Whoo! Whoo! Brother? Ice cold.
- Sales beast! Sales beast! - Dude! How could you-- - yes! Oh, this is our tv.
- Ah.
Oh! Look at this, this is a nice tv.
Wow.
Well, I can't believe this, but our winner is Blake Henderson.
So yeah.
You guys lost to this guy.
Congrats on the fridge.
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
Yeah.
Hey, Naomi.
Uh-- come on.
So, uhAhem.
You like refrigerators, right? - Yeah.
- Good.
Because we wanted to give this to you, as a gift.
Really? Why? Let's be honest here, you've been throwin' out crazy sex appeal all day, and we noticed that you date, like, weirdly average dudes.
Like us.
And Gil.
And we thought maybe you, uh, liked one of us.
So who do you choose? Choose? To be your boyfriend.
Hey, gutter slut! I found this in the trash.
If you didn't want to be friends, you could've just been honest with me.
I didn't throw that in the trash.
Well, you threw one thing in the trash, our perfect [Bleep.]
Future.
Jill We don't have a future.
Because I don't know you.
I just met you today.
And as for you guys, clearly, you're all insane! God! I hate temping.
- Drama queen.
- Wow.
What a bitch! - Whoo! There we go, baby! - Come on! - Come on! - Oh! He's about to do the five meter shuffle! - Oh! And he's pinned! - Yep! One! Two! Oh! - Why did you do that? - What are you doing? - Aw! - What's wrong with you, man? Oh, my God, who cares? Wrestling's fake.
And my hate for you is very real.
Okay, you are going down, brother! - Get him! - Get him! Direct hit.