You Me Her (2016) s02e03 Episode Script

1 Previously on "You Me Her" We're together.
We're a throuple.
I got a connection at Griffin College, and they're expanding their psych department.
So I will get you a meeting, little brother.
Do you even want to be a college professor? I mean, 'cause I don't want to push you into anything.
Pbht.
What's that supposed to mean? Pbht? I just can't help but feel a little bit Lori-esque, like maybe we've become uncool.
So, you're saying that we're provincial and we're judgmental because, - what, we're not cool anymore? - No.
[Chuckles.]
N no.
Oh, okay.
Because I was gonna say yes.
The Trakarskys and the Amaris are scheming against me.
Only this time, they've recruited my own daughter.
And, little missy, you can say bye-bye to that shiny new 3 Series.
Please tell me that you did not threaten to break the leg - of a Hamilton student? - Uhhh We're just going to delay the announcement of your promotion a couple of weeks.
Think they even noticed that we left? Oh, is this about the thing I said about the bike? You don't think Emma's bi? You think she's just, like, gay? - I don't know what I think.
- Are you mad? Who doesn't love a spirited public cuckolding? Am I the only one questioning their life choices right now? - I love you.
- I love you more.
O-kay.
Th-e-ere we go.
Morning, hottest senator on the hill.
Wish I'd brushed my teeth.
- Does Izzy need to get up? - I'll check when I get in the shower.
Kept dreaming Leatherface was chasing me.
Kind of feel like I'm walking into a fight.
I overreacted.
[Scoffs.]
I was drunk and well up my own ass.
[Sighs.]
So, what's with the dazzling dapper-tude? I'm going to the interview at Griffin.
Yeah? You're positive I'm not pushing you into anything you don't want to do? Do you want coffee? Just say it, Jack.
It's so much worse when you don't.
Okay.
We never actually discussed inviting Izzy to move in with us.
You just did it.
So, I've already pushed you into something you don't want to do? No.
I mean, I don't know.
It's just all happening so fast.
Maybe that's why the kitchen's rotating.
Vodka guzzled by the bottle might be another contributing factor.
Yeah.
I heard that doesn't mix very well with fertility meds.
Probably not.
I should've danced.
Okay? Sorry I was acting like such a dick.
Oh, let's just go back to being dizzy together.
- All right? Yeah? - Okay.
I will make out with you, but brush your teeth.
Yeah.
A lot of last night's still in there.
Ew.
Hey, are you nervous? For the interview? No, not really.
Well, stressed? Would you say you're stressed? Oh, I get it.
Yeah.
Super stressed.
Like, I'm having a full-blown panic attack.
Okay, well, don't go anywhere.
I will be right back.
Okay.
It's gonna be much better than me and you in the shower tonight, buddy.
Stop talking to your dick! Sorry.
- But, seriously, it's gonna be awesome.
- Good morning.
Hey, were you guys talking across me last night? Uh, no.
Must've been a dream.
Oh, yeah, that makes sense.
'Cause you guys were talking about me snoring, and - I definitely don't snore.
- Well, there you go.
Clearly a dream.
I got to go blow Jack.
You have to blow Jack? Was that part of your marriage vows? Seriously, though, is this, like, an every morning thing - or just to start the week? - Shut up.
Does it go both ways? Can I get in on this situation? [Brushing teeth.]
Do you always brush your teeth first? Actually, got to go now.
Sorry.
Can I get a rain check? Seriously? It's the thought that counts, right? [Scoffs.]
Yeah, well, I bet he disagrees.
Yeah, well, he is a total dick, so - [Chuckles.]
- Bye.
Everything okay? Yeah.
You know, you brushed the hell out of your teeth and gargled.
It seems a shame to waste all that.
[Car horn honks.]
I can get out here.
Sure you can, if you want another month without your car.
You realize you're making me hate you like everybody else does.
Your problem's in the mirror, kiddo.
I am just a kindly mother giving her daughter a ride all the way to the main steps.
That's for Freshmen and Sophomores! And Juniors who conspire with pervy neighbors against their own mothers.
What What is that about? Do not imagine killing me in my sleep.
- Wore that one out.
- Whoa, whoa.
Unh-unh.
Nope.
Get back in.
That is an order.
I'm making a silent vow to never, ever end up like you.
That's not silent.
I can hear you.
Well, oops.
Guess the cat's out of the bag.
I may as well start immediately.
Every single choice I make, I'm gonna ask myself, "WWLD What would Lori do?" And then I'm gonna do the exact opposite.
Look at you, thinking you're getting to me.
Look at me, knowing I am.
- You'll always be like me.
- I'll literally be your polar opposite.
- Two months.
No car for two months.
- Make it three.
I like these chats.
- Fun, right? - [School bell rings.]
Oh, dear God.
I made that.
[Phone rings in background.]
I am so sorry.
I just found out that I'm I'm pinch-hitting.
Oh, this just got weird.
[Sighs.]
Ruby.
Jack.
What are you doing here? Well, I, uh I just walked out of an office that says - "Professor Shivani" on the door, so - You work here.
Are you interviewing me? Head of the department called in sick, or disinterested, or both.
So, yep, I'm interviewing you.
Ruby Shivani.
Jack Trakarsky.
So, what ever happened to the skinny, Nordic-looking chick you start dating immediately - after - After you dumped me? [Laughs.]
Yeah.
You ever see her? Occasionally.
Here and there.
Mainly 'cause I married her about a decade ago.
- No shit.
- Not an ounce of shit.
Kids? That's been a trickier road.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to What about you? What about that ex-boyfriend that you got back together with and then told me about by text message? That was such a dick move that I have tried so hard to forget.
Um, I married mine, too.
- I'm not sensing a happy ending.
- [Chuckles.]
I wanted kids.
He wasn't ready.
Now he has two with someone else.
Look, I'm not trying to make excuses, but I could tell that your parents didn't like me.
I always wondered, was it an ethnic thing? Oh, yeah, 'cause you're so Third World, and my dynastic fox-hunting family would've never accepted you as anything but the maid? You did manage to find a chick whiter than you.
That's fair.
Sometimes our photos look like they came with the frames.
[Laughs.]
It wasn't an "ethic thing.
" It was a "prissy-self-involved thing," to quote my mother.
Yeah.
I I do that when I'm nervous.
Look I'm sorry.
Antioxidants, Omega-3, Spirulina and alkaline, all in one bottle? I have no clue what any of those things are, yet I'm convinced I can't live without them.
So, as they say, about last night? Get over it.
It wasn't that bad.
It was that bad with a dollop of shit on top.
Not sure what was cringier, you and Izzy publicly vacuuming each other's mouths or Jack awkwardly watching it.
It's not like he's never seen us kiss before.
Well, the untrained eye might mistake you two for a couple of full-blooded lesbians, not bisexuals.
Well, when I'm with a girl, how can anyone make that distinction? What, should I wear a bisexual I.
D.
badge? Are you kidding me? You're kidding me, right? After almost a decade of marriage to the love of my life and - and you're wondering - I'm wondering because Jack's wondering.
[Sighs.]
We're in love.
All three of us.
- Why why can't you just - Who are you pitching this to, me or you? Or were you practicing for Jack? - Aren't you the sanctimonious - Whoa, whoa.
That's an open wound.
Let's just stick to your mess for now and we'll circle back to my Crisis of Cool.
What'd he say? He and Dave were discussing how fast you remembered how to ride that bike.
- The bike being - Yeah, no, I get it.
- Vagina.
The bike's a vagina.
- Carm, I get it.
- It's my job, Em.
You know that.
- Well, you're fired.
Doesn't work that way.
As far as that uncool thing goes, you know, maybe maybe you should start a support group with Lori.
I I'm gonna count to 10, and then I'm gonna throw this murky shit at your head.
So, if I were you, I would try to achieve maximum distance.
- Yeah.
You wouldn't.
- One, two, three-four-five You're just luck this grainy-ass piss is so expensive.
Oh, God.
That's just fucking awful! Now, Emma wants to quit her job, too.
So, basically, you two are going white-people crazy - because you can't make babies.
- [Scoffs.]
I would love to deny that.
Well, I'm a professional, Jack, which is how I know you really don't want to be a college professor.
What do you want to do? [Sighs deeply.]
I just want to help as many kids as possible get safely and sanely to the other side of 18.
I'm starting to think I want the job I walked away from.
Or some version of that.
Oh, shit.
I got a thing.
Um, can I see you again? Like, just for coffee or something? Confession? Okay.
I had created this kind of dark fantasy in my mind about what it would be like if we ever saw each other again.
[Laughs.]
How did it measure up? Is divorced enough for you? Oh, did I mention, I'm on, like, 11 dating sites? Hmm.
You could've had the common decency to at least be morbidly obese, or have terrible skin, - or peg leg due to diabetes.
- Sorry.
I forgave you a long time ago.
Thanks.
Bye.
[Indistinct conversations.]
- Professor Shivani? - Yeah.
She's hot.
She is.
You thinking about bringing her in the mix, too? Andy.
Yep.
- Who knows Izzy.
- Yep.
Just to explain this, we were friends, like a million years ago.
- Really good friends, Ruby and I.
- Got it.
Yeah? All right, fine.
She was my ex.
- Okay.
- My ex-girlfriend before Emma.
Can we keep this between us? If you ran into an old flame, I mean, why do you got to keep that a secret? And you're right about yeah.
Can we also keep that between us, the fact that I asked you - to keep it between us? - Here's my deal, okay? You buy lunch, one hour of free counseling, and I never saw you, uh, mooning after your ex.
Fine.
[Sighs.]
Why does everyone keep blackmailing me these days? You're going through some very strange shit, ain't you, Uncle Jack? I am.
Yeah.
I am going through some tough stuff.
Yeah.
Look, I'm getting this vibe like Nina's holding back, playing it cool, you know? So, scary Nina? - Really? That's what we're talking about? - Yeah.
Scary Nina.
Really.
Okay.
You're serious about her? Yeah.
I know it's fast, but it's like I snapped out of this coma and she was the first face that I saw.
Aww.
- Bro.
- Sorry.
I'm guessing that Nina is scary because she's scared.
Listen to that man.
That is some profound shit.
So, you got to hold her close, man.
Got to hold her real tight, like a autism blanket, until the spasms and the fits subside.
- And then we're good? - No.
Then she'll have even more fits and more spasms.
That's fuckin' awful.
Mm.
But then, at the end of that, at least she'll finally believe in you.
Anyway, that's what you're signing up for.
[Laughs.]
That is so fucking good, - I'm gonna Can I use that? - [Phone rings.]
So, we got autism, - fits, persistence, right? - Looks like you got it.
Hello? Ruby.
No.
I'm actually just a few blocks away.
Why? Sure.
I'll be right there.
[Beeps.]
I got to run.
You're making this really rough on me, Uncle Jack.
- What're you talking about? - What am I talking about? I'm talking about you.
Professor Shivani.
- That was serious, right? - No.
- Yes.
- You got it all wrong, man.
The road not taken.
No.
There's nothing.
- It's nothing going on.
- You sure? Yes, I'm sure.
Fuckin'-A.
I can't just walk and - Just calm down.
- Just get accusations thrown left and right.
There's nothing going on.
Fuck! But, um, I was never here.
This never happened.
- Right? - Sure.
Do I need a receipt or We don't do receipts.
Okay, don't leave my tab open.
I left his tab open.
My man.
So, how would you feel about helping kids get to the other side of 21 instead of 18? Like, counseling for Griffin students? Like a wellness center.
What an amazing idea.
You are so smart, Jack.
All kidding aside, I really wish women still did that.
- Well, we don't, so get over it.
- Okay.
This is probably me making this unnecessarily weird, but, um you ever think about me over the last dozen years? - Um - Oh, God.
That was so stupid.
- I'm sorry.
Yeah, no.
- No.
- That - Rewind.
Erase.
Look, I got to go, - so, I will call you and - Your watch is on the other wrist, by the way.
And yes.
Yeah, of course I've thought of you.
- I'll call you about the wellness center.
- Cool.
- Cool.
- Yeah.
Okay.
We need you guys to know this was not an easy call for me.
Are you fucking kidding me right now, Andy? You barely know Uncle Jack.
It's not even really like he was doing anything wrong.
You know, it's not like they were making out or something.
Okay, if it was all so inconsequential, why the fuck are you telling us? - Answer the girl.
- [Sighs.]
Okay, um Because it She didn't seem like an ex.
She seemed like the ex.
The one that got away.
Why else would he tell me not to say anything? - Oh, fuck.
- Yeah.
- It's okay.
- Why would he do this? Because he's insecure about his place in this wacky new relationship.
Because men? Oh, nice.
What would happen if I said, "because women" about anything? Maybe some day, when we're all squared up, okay? It feels fragile.
The three of us.
- So shocking.
Ow! - Stop.
Do not hit me back.
I have to think.
[Sighs.]
I have to do something.
Thanks.
You're welcome, have a good night.
- Thank you.
- Hey.
Hey! - Hey, honey, check this out.
- No, I don't care if Izzy just fucked a giraffe in the street.
We're not doing that anymore, - the whole looking out the window thing.
- But it's really addictive.
Okay, we are gonna be the very cool stars of our own very cool movie, starting right now, this second.
Understand? Absolutely.
- Okay.
- Are you okay? I just really really want to be cool again, Dave.
Okay.
It's just that people like us, at our advanced age, consciously deciding to be cool, that's perilous terrain.
It's thin ice.
We don't want to end up with dragons on our asses, you know? No fucking clue what that means.
You know those stupid $300-a-pair jeans they make just so people like us can embarrass ourselves? So, no pink highlights? - I mean, you're Asian, so that's - Right.
- Human animé.
Walking cliché.
- Yeah.
So, what are we gonna do then? Don't react right away.
Let it wash over you.
Okay.
Bring it.
Three words.
No.
Four words Suburban Internet Sextape Scandal.
I think that's five words.
Is "sex tape" one word or two words? Suburban Internet sex-tape scandal.
I'm I'm kidding, obviously.
Right, that's clear? - I'm clear that I'm obviously kidding? - No, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
No.
We're desperate.
I I don't hate it.
Exactly.
Ahh, pizza, wine, weed.
[Sighs.]
This whole thing is amazing, Iz.
Thanks.
Yeah, look at you.
Lipstick, heels, the whole nine.
- [Laughs.]
- You look super hot.
Thanks.
So tell me about your day, honies.
- Well - No.
Jack first.
Oh, shit! Your interview.
I I totally forgot.
- How'd it go? - It was fine.
Good.
Nothing special.
That's it? Just "fine-good"? Nothing else? No surprises? Fucking Andy.
Like he had a choice.
Someone fill me in on what's going on.
- Jack's interviewer was Ruby Shivani.
- Yeah.
- Ruby Shivani? - Mm-hmm.
Your last girlfriend before me? - Yeah.
- Huh.
What are the odds? Why didn't you why wouldn't you Shit, Jack.
Not telling me tells me a lot.
No.
I just knew you guys would twist it into something that it absolutely wasn't, which is exactly - what's happening right now.
- Watch him closely, Em.
- You know his tells.
- No.
- Yeah, they're not complicated.
- All right.
Is she single? Andy said you met up with her a second time.
Why? Did you flirt with her? [Sighs.]
I mean, maybe subtextually.
"Subtextually?" What the fuck does that even mean? There's always a subtle undercurrent.
I don't know.
I'm just trying to hyper-honest with you guys right now because I'm super high, you're being pretty fucking intimidating.
Why would you even do this? Because men.
You're sexually involved with two women for fuck's sakes! How much female approval can one man require? - Oh, okay.
You really want to fucking go there? - Yeah! - You really want to do this right now? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- I really want to fucking do this.
- I fucking do, too.
Are you gonna finally be honest? Are you gonna finally say what you fucking think? - All right.
Here it is.
- Let's hear it.
You guys have been third-wheeling the shit out of me! - Ka-fucking-blam! - Okay.
Okay, just let me get this straight.
So, you get to "undercurrent" all over your primary ex because you've decided that I'm not fluid, I'm a lesbian? That's right.
Jack told the Amaris I might be full-blown gay.
That's not at all what I said.
So, I guess that means that you've decided for me too? Are you the official Minister of Sexual Orientation? - Congratulations.
- You know what? Fuck you, Jack.
Fuck you and your fragile, little male ego.
- Really? That's how it is? - Yeah.
Okay, well, fuck you for making massive life decisions completely on your own that affect both of us.
- Is that is that me? - Um Are you talking about me? Well, then, fuck you both for chasing me down half-cocked, you matching set of dumbshits! We should've thought it through more.
That was - Yeah.
- That was on both of us.
This is good, because we're throwing all of our shit on the table to flop around where we can see it.
But why would shit be flopping around? - Yeah.
It probably should've been fish.
- The Then it's a fish.
The point is, is that we knew this wasn't gonna be easy.
Right.
I'm sorry for making you feel like the odd man out.
Me, too.
And I'm sorry for keeping the "girl-girl-girl" thing from you.
I know that's a big part of what you're feeling.
Well, I'm sorry if I "subtextually" acted out instead of just talking to you guys about it.
This is good.
We've done good work here.
And now we're gonna have sex.
- Well, that was a sharp turn.
- Mm, yep.
We're gonna fuck it out.
I think the term is "hug it out," right, Jack? You guys are more than welcome to keep talking, but I'm gonna go back up to the bedroom, and I'll leave this dress here.
But I can keep the heels on.
So 26.
- "Fuck it out.
" - You think that's gonna work? [Sighs.]
Okay, so I'm good.
Hmm.
Me, too.
Told you.
Mm.
So, apparently, "Fuck it out" doesn't actually work for suburban 30-somethings.
Good thing, because I'd be out of business.
[Laughs.]
[Clears throat.]
Sorry.
Never thought about the way I would be treated Never thought about how to pick up the pieces Doesn't take long, now I move on At least then I know Walk away, baby, we'll take you out Well, she keeps running her mouth Snap, she's facing the one she breaks Sort of figure it out They can't blame it all on you You've been acting up a fool But I keep spending time on you Ah-ah-ah, oh-oh-oh You're the only one whose money I'll be sendin'