You Rang, M'Lord? (1988) s02e03 Episode Script
Money Talks
1 # From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear the same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Saucy flappers in cloche hats # Natty chappies in white spats # The upper set is going bats You rang, m'lord? Look at the time.
I shouId be getting on with the dinner.
What are they having tonight? MuIIigatawny soup and roast duck.
I've never had duck.
What's it taste Iike? A bit Iike goose.
I've never had a goose either.
I expect Mrs Lipton'II give you a few bones to take home.
Mm, that'd be nice.
I enjoyed that cup of tea.
ShaII I teII your fortune? - Can you, Ivy? - Oh, yes.
It's years since anyone toId my fortune in the tea Ieaves.
My oId man used to teII mine years ago.
I suppose he can't do it now he's fIat on his back.
AII the Ieaves'd faII aII over his face.
It's not that.
We can't afford the tea.
There's nothing to stop you from taking the used tea Ieaves home, MabeI.
AII you've got to do is dry them out.
There's pIenty of strength Ieft in them.
Thank you very much, Mrs Lipton.
Now, swirI your teacup round three times and turn it upside down.
Now make a wish.
I can see a dog.
Oh, I don't Iike dogs.
WeII, I can't heIp that.
I can see a dog.
It's got one Ieg in the air.
- What does that mean? - I know what it usuaIIy means.
Be quiet, Henry.
It's hoIding its paw out.
- Perhaps he's hurt it.
- Oh, what a shame.
No, he's hoIding his paw out to shake hands.
That means friendship.
Someone wants to be your friend.
Oh.
Is it a man or a woman? Just a minute.
The dog's Iooking at a man.
- Is he a dark man? - Bound to be, they're dark tea Ieaves.
Shut up, Henry, you're spoiIing me concentration.
Now I can see a Ietter.
Is there a Is there a ring? - No, I can't see a ring.
- WeII, is it a fat man? - Sort of fat.
- Is it a fat Ietter? You're spoiIing it! I shan't teII you again, Henry.
So, that means there's a sort of a fat man, who's a very good friend - who's going to get a Ietter.
- But you can't see a ring? No, no ring.
I've just taken tea up to his Iordship in the drawing room.
Has he tried my sponge yet? No, when I Ieft him, he was stiII on the phone to Lady Agatha.
As far as I can gather, they were supposed to meet Iast night but her husband came back.
What a tangIed web we weave when first we practise to deceive.
I wish I'd have said that, Where's James? He shouId've been here to take up the tea.
Miss Poppy's made him go shopping with her to carry her parceIs.
She shouId carry her own parceIs, big strong girI Iike her.
What's she want Jim running after her Iike a puppy for? I know I shouIdn't say this, but if you ask me, Miss Poppy's aIways had an eye for James.
WeII, he's a good-Iooking, weII-buiIt man.
If I were a young girI, I'd set my cap at him.
WeII, so do haIf the maids in the street.
It's not right.
PeopIe in Miss Poppy's position shouIdn't pIay fast and Ioose with us downstairs.
I think he enjoys it.
He shouId get what he can out of it.
I've seen it happen in big houses before.
Next thing, she'II be givin' him presents.
If he's any sense, he'II take 'em.
Excuse me.
What's wrong with Ivy, then? I think we've upset her.
She's a bit sweet on James herseIf.
(Car approaches) Oh, Miss Poppy's back.
I'II Iet 'em in.
- AIf? - Yes? Have you had a Ietter from your soIicitor yet about the divorce? Er, no, not yet, BIanche.
You know what soIicitors are Iike.
WeII, Ivy's just been reading my fortune in the tea Ieaves and she says a dark fat man, who's a friend of mine, is going to get a Ietter.
WeII, I'm not fat, so it can't be me.
Here's thruppence for yourseIf.
- Come aIong, James.
- Yes, Miss Poppy.
James, shaII I teII you a secret? Remember when we were in MarshaII & SneIIgroves and I met my friend, AngeIa? She thought you were my boyfriend.
- ReaIIy, miss? - Were you making eyes at me - when I wasn't Iooking? - CertainIy not, Miss Poppy.
AngeIa thought you were scrumptious.
I'm absoIuteIy exhausted.
Bring the parceIs up to my bedroom, James.
Yes, Miss Poppy.
Come on, come on! Go on, James, your mistress is caIIing.
(Sighs) Don't upset yourseIf, Ivy.
He's not the man for you.
I hate to see him humiIiated, Dad.
Does him good.
He thinks too much of himseIf.
Ivy, have you found out where Lady Lavender's keeping that cash yet? - I'm not going to taIk about it.
- It's in her room somewhere and nobody knows how much there is.
I'm your father, Ivy - do as you're toId and find it.
(Sighs) - Put them on the bed, James.
- Yes, Miss Poppy.
When you were coming up the stairs behind me, were you Iooking at my Iegs? DefiniteIy not! Why, what's wrong with them? Have I got rotten Iegs? No, miss, you've got IoveIy Iegs.
In that case, you must've been Iooking at them.
- Excuse me, Miss Poppy.
- Where are you going? - To attend to my duties.
- I'm one of your duties, so stay there.
I want you to take the wrappings away.
Very weII, miss.
James, why are you getting undressed? I'm just removing my overcoat.
Oh, just so Iong as you stop there.
You're bIushing, James.
It's naughty of me to tease you Iike this.
I reaIIy don't mind, Miss Poppy, it's just that in my position, I don't know what to say.
Oh, aren't they nice? Don't you think they're absoIuteIy ripping? - They're IoveIy, Miss Poppy.
- Ever seen a girI wearing these? - Of course not! - Why of course not? The fact is, I haven't had much experience of the opposite sex and certainIy not with young Iadies of your cIass.
They're so smooth.
Better than those awfuI bIoomers we had to wear at schooI.
Finger trappers we used to caII them.
FeeI them.
I reaIIy must go, Miss Poppy.
AII right then.
ToodIe-oo.
- Oh, James.
- Yes, Miss Poppy? If you peep through the keyhoIe in five minutes' time, I shaII be wearing them.
- More tea, Daddy? - Yes, pIease.
I shouIdn't worry too much about Granny, she's rationaI most of the time.
RationaI? I don't consider drawing £10,000 out of the bank in cash rationaI.
Apart from Iosing the interest, it's not safe.
Nobody goes into Lavender's room except Ivy and she's honest enough.
That money's got to be under Iock and key.
As if I didn't have enough to worry about with your UncIe Teddy.
The factory's just getting back to normaI - after the chaos he caused.
- He doesn't mean any harm.
Doesn't mean any harm? What about aII our maids? I had to make settIements on five of them.
WouIdn't be so bad if he chased girIs of his own cIass.
He probabIy wouId if he found one who smeIIed of carboIic soap.
When he gets back, I'II have a serious taIk with him.
- Where is he? - PIaying tennis with Madge Cartwright.
I'm going to teII him he's got to marry her.
My God! He hasn't put her in the famiIy way, has he? You're getting very coarse in the way you express yourseIf, Cissy.
It must be the set you go around with.
We aII come from good famiIies, Daddy - I can show you their pedigrees.
Even if he marries Madge Cartwright, it won't stop him chasing servant girIs.
Once he's outside this house, he's not my responsibiIity.
He can chase his own servant girIs.
Is there any tea in the pot? It's been there a Iong time.
Ring for some more, Cissy.
- Right! - Have you been pIaying tennis? What do you think I've been baIIy weII doing? You seem in an awfuI huff, UncIe Teddy.
How did it go? Rotten.
Madge Cartwright won every game by cheating.
You can't cheat at tennis.
She can.
Every time I served she shouted ''Out, out, out!'' Her great voice booming across the court.
Made me Iook an absoIute arse.
Did you propose to her? Propose to her? I nearIy baIIy weII strangIed her.
I see.
I've been through to the P&O shipping office and the MoIdavia saiIs from TiIbury on Friday week.
You can have an outside cabin on the port side.
There'II be a nice IittIe bungaIow waiting for you in the Union Jack Rubber Company estate in Bukit Timah.
You'II have two servants to Iook after you - oId, maIe servants.
And you can start a new Iife for yourseIf amongst the rubber trees.
You ruthIess swine! It's either that or marry Madge Cartwright.
- (Knock on door) - Come in.
You rang, m'Iord? - Bring us another pot of tea, Ivy.
- Yes, Miss Cissy.
And some of Mrs Lipton's cherry cake.
There's none Ieft, though we've got some maids of honour.
Don't bring those.
I can't go through with it.
I shaII do myseIf in.
You'd probabIy mess that up too.
It's not as bad as aII that, UncIe Teddy.
Madge Cartwright's crackers about you.
WeII, I'm not crackers about her.
She's a joIIy good-Iooking woman.
Very statuesque.
I don't want to marry a baIIy statue! I Iike IittIe, warm, soft, cuddIy girIs with aprons on and shiny faces and Oh, God, I can't go on.
(BeII) PIease don't cry, UncIe Teddy.
Don't moIIycoddIe him, Cissy.
Stop bIubbing.
PuII yourseIf together, Teddy.
Look on the bright side - she's got stacks of money.
Yes, she's roIIing in it.
She's Cartwright's Soap.
Cartwright's Soap? Yes, they've got three factories.
Send soap aII over the worId.
AII sorts of soap? Yes.
CarboIic soap? Tons of it.
I'II think about it.
- Good afternoon, m'Iord.
- Good afternoon, Stokes.
I didn't hear your car, sir.
No, I came on the omnibus, I use it a Iot nowadays - you meet such nice peopIe, especiaIIy on the top.
The Lord Bishop, m'Iord.
- Come in, CharIes.
- George.
Cissy.
- Teddy.
- CharIes.
We were just taIking about soap.
I've just sent a Iarge consignment to our mission in Madras for the Iaundry.
If they haven't got soap, the natives waIIop the cIothes on the rocks - - pIays havoc with the surpIices.
- Was it Cartwright's soap? I don't actuaIIy buy it, I just pay for it.
- (Knock on door) - Come in.
I brought your tea, Mr Teddy.
Mr Stokes toId me you were here, my Iord, so I brought an extra cup.
Ah, the cup that cheers but not inebriates.
- Take the other tray, wiII you, Ivy? - Yes, Miss Cissy.
- I'm so sorry - I'II Ieave you in peace, then.
I'm so sorry about that.
It's very difficuIt to get good servants these days.
I think she's deIightfuI.
Such a naturaI girI.
So innocent with her shiny scrubbed face and her gIasses.
Oh, my God! To what do we owe the pIeasure of your company, CharIes? WeII, I must confess, I'm on the cadge.
My distressed gentIewomen are in troubIe.
ReaIIy? WeII, don't Iook at me.
We're running short of funds but instead of asking for cheques, I've decided to organise a charity auction.
It's much more personaI.
One's friends can give items from their houses - ornaments, trinkets, anything, it doesn't have to be vaIuabIe.
PeopIe wiII pay quite Iarge sums for any oId thing, just because it's for charity.
We'II find something.
Where are you hoIding it? Sir RaIph Shawcross has offered to Iend us his house.
Do you know him? My brother bumps into his wife from time to time.
On sociaI occasions.
Charming woman.
Her husband's a great deaI oIder than she is.
He's about your age, George.
- Boo! - Oh! You fooI! What's up? You were gazing out the window Iike a Iovesick caIf.
It's Miss Poppy, isn't it? Mind your own business.
Something happened up in her room, didn't it? I carried her parceIs up and that is aII.
- AII? - Yes, aII.
Come on, you can teII me, I'm your paI.
My paI? Yes, we were in the army together.
We fought the Germans together.
We ran away from them together.
I didn't run away, you did.
Jim TweIvetrees, I was running here and you was running there.
OnIy difference was, I had Mr Teddy on me back.
OnIy for 50 yards.
I carried him the rest of the way.
Come on, what's eating you? Miss Poppy asked me to feeI her underwear.
What? She asked me to feeI her underwear.
Was she in it? No, of course not! You mean she'd taken it off? CertainIy not.
She was just removing them from the box.
Why are you so mean with yourseIf? This couId work out weII for both of us.
- For both of us? - Yes.
You string aIong wi' Miss Poppy, she may start giving you presents.
Cigarette cases, cuffIinks, even money.
I'II keep watch when you want to be aIone with her and we'II go haIves.
If we weren't standing in his Iordship's dining room, I wouId knock you to the ground.
What did I say? (Parrot) Come in.
(Lady Lavender) Shut up.
Who is it? (Parrot) Shut up.
Who is it? - It's me, Ivy.
- Just a minute.
Come in quickIy.
I brought your tea, Lady Lavender.
Put it down, EtheI.
Oh, have you been counting your money? (Parrot) Pieces of eight, pieces of eight! He keep's putting me off.
It's either 9,001 or 1 ,009 and I haven't counted that Iot yet.
You must heIp me.
You count from 1 ,009 and I'II count from 9,001 and then we're both bound to be right.
9,002.
Come on, girI, count.
- 1 ,010.
- 9,003.
1 ,01 1 .
9,004.
- 1 ,012.
- (Organ music) Oh, just Iisten to that.
Oh, I Iove the sound of a barreI organ.
It reminds me of my chiIdhood.
We used to dance to it.
Oh, and dance and dance and dance! Oh, EtheI! Come on, girI, dance! Isn't this IoveIy? ShaII we get back to the counting? Who cares about siIIy oId money! I say, organ grinder! Bring your beautifuI machine into the drive, so I can hear it properIy.
You'II be weII rewarded.
Now, EtheI, take this IittIe tip down to him.
You can't give him aII this.
Sixpence is quite enough.
I haven't got sixpence.
I'II just take one.
Don't you think you ought to give that money to his Iordship to put in the safe? CertainIy not! He'd onIy go to Africa and buy sIaves with it.
They don't do that any more.
That what he says.
(Organ resumes) Oh, my favourite tune.
# The boy I Iove is up in the gaIIery, up in the gaIIery, up in the gaIIery The boy I Iove is up in the gaIIery Where are you going, Ivy? Lady Lavender toId me to give this pound to the organ grinder.
'Ere, give him tuppence.
Dad, that's steaIing! Go on, do as you're toId.
Ooh! M'Iord? TeII that organ grinder to go away, - it's a dreadfuI row.
- Very good, sir.
Lady Lavender sent you this.
What, you mean I've pushed this heavy organ up the drive just for tuppence? Lord MeIdrum says you're to cIear off.
Oh, that's very nice, that is.
Hey, missus, your command performance is now over.
No, pIease don't go.
PIay on, pIay on, pIay on.
HoIy smoke, them's pound notes! Hey, you, turn the handIe.
Turn the handIe! You've got to stop her.
Just keep turning the handIe, Ivy.
Why doesn't Stokes stop that infernaI row? There are pound notes fIuttering past the window.
Granny's throwing her money into the drive.
Quick, Teddy, we've got to stop her.
(Organ continues to pIay) That's not yours, it's mine.
I'm the artist.
I'm the butIer and you're trespassing, so cIear off.
Put it down.
Put it down.
I don't beIieve it's for reaI! CIear off! Get off, it's Lady Lavender's.
Open this door at once, Lavender.
I say, Lavvy, oId thing Don't caII her that, she hates it.
I can't do any baIIy thing right, can I? Oh, Iawks a mercy, Lady Lavender's throwing aII her money away.
- Stop those peopIe at once, ConstabIe.
- Put that money down.
Put it down! Put it down at once! Me arm's gettin' tired.
Never mind about that, just keep turning.
No, you don't.
That's steaIing by finding.
- Give me that, you IittIe perisher.
- Go boiI your 'ead.
Come 'ere.
I'II box your ears.
Oh, how bountifuI.
Put it down! Put it Put it down! Lavender, if you don't open this door, I shaII be forced to break it down.
If you want my money, go downstairs and catch it Iike everyone eIse.
Teddy, put your shouIder to the door.
Don't be siIIy, it'II break.
That's the whoIe idea.
Not the door, my baIIy shouIder.
(Sighs) Lavender! Lavender! Oh, no, you don't.
I can't remember the Iast time I had five pounds in my hand.
WeII, you haven't got it now.
Where wiII it aII end? Hey, don't do that, you're making hoIes in them.
Get off.
Why are you putting those notes in your pocket? I know where I'd Iike to put 'em - right up your waistcoat.
I expect that money to be returned.
I wouIdn't have it any other way, James.
- That's mine, I saw it first.
- I saw it first! Right, give me that money.
- Oh, cIear off! - Come on! Oh! You're under arrest.
Here, you Ieave my oId woman aIone.
Get back to your puddings, you siIIy oId cow.
(Gasps) Oh! You Ieave him to me, Mrs Lipton.
I do this every Saturday night.
I toId you once aIready.
Excuse me, I'II just hoId this whiIe you're fighting.
Leave it aIone.
I've got this one, ConstabIe.
WeII, I haven't got this one.
I warn you, I shaII draw my truncheon.
I wiII! I wiII.
I shaII do it.
I shaII do it! Even money on the copper, 5-4 the fieId.
I'II do it.
HaIf-time! (WhistIe) How's your eye, ConstabIe WiIson? I don't think this Iiver's as good as steak.
Try turning it over.
- Is that better? - It's different.
When the constabIe's finished with it, you can take it home, MabeI.
That'd be nice.
It'II go with the bacon rinds you gave her.
Right, I picked up £23.
What's yours, Henry? TweIve.
- Thank you.
MabeI? - 26.
Just Iook at it.
£26.
I don't even earn that in a year.
Just put it on the tabIe, MabeI.
Mrs Lipton? Oh, onIy five pounds I'm afraid.
I'm not very good at picking things up.
It's Iike touching my toes.
When did you Iast see 'em, Mrs Lipton? Ivy? Just a pound.
I was turning the 'andIe.
That was siIIy.
That's what was making Lady Lavender throw the money down.
Was it? I thought I was doing the right thing.
You're not paid to think.
Why were you taIking to the organ grinder? You shouIdn't have foIIowers.
I wouIdn't waIk out with a dirty-Iooking man Iike that.
WeII, just watch it in future.
What about you, ConstabIe WiIson? I wasn't picking it up.
I was trying to stop other peopIe picking it up, and this is the thanks I get for it.
When you're finished with the Iiver, I'II wrap it up.
Did you arrest anyone? I got the kid.
Lord MeIdrum wants to see you aII in his study.
- Where's yours? - Where's my what? The money you took.
What do you mean ''took''? Mr TweIvetrees means the money you picked up.
We've aII put it on the tabIe.
Even MabeI.
How much did you pick up, Mr Stokes? I don't think it's anything to do with you, but if you must know, £18, which I've just given back to his Iordship.
I wouId've thought you picked up far more.
Are you accusing me of steaIing money that is the property of my empIoyers? There is such a thing as the Iaw of sIander in this country.
You are a witness, ConstabIe WiIson.
SIander isn't a poIice matter and I wasn't Iistening.
If you don't apoIogise forthwith, James, I shaII communicate with my soIicitors.
He has got soIicitors, you know.
He's writing to them on another matter.
Mr Stokes, I'm sure Mr TweIvetrees didn't mean to say what you said he said.
Keep out of this, Ivy, it's nothing to do with you.
WeII James? I was mereIy making an observation.
Is that an apoIogy? WeIIyes.
Good.
I'II take this.
Come on, his Iordship's waiting for you in his study.
- I've counted it.
- You're not starting again, are you? Don't mind if I cut into that new cherry cake, do you, Mrs Lipton? HeIp yourseIf, ConstabIe WiIson.
I'm not taking any more chances.
No one Ieaves this house untiI Lavender's money is Iocked in the safe.
Daddy, we're going to see The GirIfriend.
The show starts at quarter past eight.
This is far more important, Poppy.
- (Knock on door) - Come.
- AII the staff are assembIed, m'Iord.
- Thank you, send them in.
Come on in.
Come in.
Come in, come in.
Don't be shy, MabeI, come to the front.
I don't suppose you've been in a room Iike this very often.
No, your Iordship, not since I done the grate this morning.
Here's aII the money the staff coIIected, m'Iord.
- Thank you.
- It comes to £67, sir.
Right.
And with the £18 you picked up, Stokes, that makes it, er Erm - £85, m'Iord.
- Thank you.
Quite right.
My brother, my daughters and I wish to express our appreciation of the top-hoIe way you behaved this afternoon.
- Don't we? - Oh, yes.
- AbsoIuteIy.
- JoIIy good show.
On occasions such as this, one reaIises, whether one Iives up here or beIow stairs, we are aII one bighappy famiIy.
Hear, hear.
As a token of my appreciation, I wouId Iike to present you with something personaIIy.
- (AII) Thank you, m'Iord.
- You deserve it.
You saved £85 from being Iost and £85 is a great deaI of money.
- Here is five shiIIings for you, Stokes.
- M'Iord.
- Five for you, James.
- M'Iord.
Five shiIIings for you, Mrs Lipton.
- Ivy, haIf a crown.
- Thank you.
- MabeI, a shiIIing.
- How very kind, your Iordship.
And Henry, sixpence.
Ah, now, MabeI, Mrs Lipton, Henry, you may go.
I want to taIk to the others.
Not at aII.
Not at aII.
How embarrassing.
Daddy's so stingy.
I'II give something to Ivy.
And I'II give something to James.
Stokes, James, Ivy, I'm not going to beat about the bush.
I want this money in that safe quickIy and I need your heIp.
I can grab the case of money, m'Iord if someone can distract her Iadyship.
- She won't even Iet me in her room.
- I'm the same.
- She hurIs abuse at me.
- She hurIs food at me, and the pIates.
NevertheIess, she does Iike you, Ivy.
You're the onIy one who can get into her room.
Now, this is what we'II do - you go in, you distract Lady Lavender, grab the money, pass it to Stokes, who'II be waiting outside.
You, Stokes, bring it to the dining room and we'II count it with James.
WouId it not be better if I were upstairs with Mr Stokes, sir? What do you think, Stokes? Money's not heavy, sir.
I think I can manage.
WeII, off you go, Stokes, Ivy.
Very good, m'Iord.
Perhaps I ought to heIp Mr Stokes, sir.
No, you stay and heIp us.
I'm a duffer at counting.
I bet you're joIIy fast with your fingers.
I don't Iike doing this to a poor oId Iady.
His Iordship's onIy trying to protect her from herseIf.
She'd end up chucking it aII out the window.
Yes, you're right.
You're not going to fiII your pockets with it, are you? Not a singIe note wiII go into my pocket.
- You promise? - On me mother's Iife.
She died five years ago.
Look me in the eye.
I aIways know if you're teIIing the truth.
Yes, you're teIIing the truth.
Thanks, Dad.
- (Lady Lavender) Who is it? - It's me, Ivy.
- How are you gonna do it? - Don't worry, I've thought of something.
I'm wicked when I have to be.
I get it from you.
Come in, come in.
You're too Iate, she's in.
I've come to coIIect your tea tray, Lady Lavender.
Oh, do you coIIect tea trays? That one's SheffieId pIate.
That organ grinder's outside.
He says he hopes you enjoyed his concert and he wants to know if you've any requests.
If so, shout them out the window.
How nice.
- Oh, EtheI.
- Yes, m'Iady? Open the window.
HeIIo! Organ grinder, are you there? Ooh! Ooh! Oh, dear, the window's sIipped.
I'II get heIp.
Ooh! Oh, what a good job I was here, otherwise you'd be stuck.
Oh, EtheI, what a shock.
Oh, heIp me into bed.
Mr Stokes is taking a Iong time.
WouId you Iike me to check on his movements? No, no, no.
I'm sure he's got everything weII in hand.
Have you got it, Stokes? Oh, bIast.
Coming, my Iord.
WeII done! Come on, Poppy, Cissy, James.
If you don't require me, sir, I'II Iay out your evening cIothes.
- Yes, of course.
- As the show starts at 8:15, sir, shouIdn't Mr Stokes stay and heIp us count the money? Good idea.
You're staying where I can keep an eye on you.
Then Iook very cIoseIy - the quickness of the hand deceives the eye.
Excuse me, m'Iord, Lady Lavender's dropped off.
Dropped off what? Oh, right, thank you, Ivy.
I never knew there was so much money in aII the worId.
I want to thank you again.
Here's another haIf crown.
Count this.
And this.
- Stop treading on my heeIs, James.
- I'm not Ietting you out of my sight.
His Iordship worked out that there's £193 missing - where is it? You saw what happened, you were there.
Lady Lavender chucked it out the window and peopIe picked it up.
They couIdn't have picked up that much.
How many pounds went in your pocket? WouId you Iike to repeat that in front of witnesses? I know you, AIf Stokes.
Between the time Ivy handed you that money and the time you gave it to Lord MeIdrum, you were aIone and the case was unIocked.
AII you had to do was remove some notes and conceaI them about your person.
Quite the IittIe SherIock HoImes, aren't you? There's just one thing you forgot - I'm an honest man and a IoyaI servant.
A IoyaI servant! If you haven't got some of that money in your pockets, I'II eat my hat.
There's onIy one way you'II find out, - and that is to search me.
- What? I said ''Search me''.
Ask Mrs Lipton to steam it for an hour and serve it with a white sauce.
(Stair creaks) (Creaking) (CIock ticking) BIast! I need something to make the notes stick to the end.
GIue! No, we haven't got any.
TreacIe! What are you doing here? Having some treacIe.
On the end of a feather duster? What wouId you use - your finger? Not very hygienic.
Here, have a suck.
I see it aII now.
You stuffed the money in that vase.
Stuffed the money in the vase? Whatever gave you that idea? I know the money's in this vase.
Can you see it? No.
If it hasn't got the money in it, why did you bring it down here? WeII, I'II teII you.
I was aroused from a dreamIess sIeep by a very strange noise.
''Ah,'' I thought to myseIf, ''is that a burgIar, ''or is it James with a bad attack of indigestion?'' So I decided to investigate, and on me way down, I picked this up as a weapon.
When I found there was no intruder, I decided I wouId eat some treacIe.
I know you've hidden that money somewhere.
Then I suggest you go and Iook for it.
- Excuse me, Mr TweIvetrees.
- What? You needn't check if I swept the muck under the carpet.
I'm a very cIean worker.
It isn't that, Ivy.
I have a suspicion that your father might have heIped himseIf to some of Lady Lavender's money - before he gave it to his Iordship.
- He didn't have time.
He couId've hidden some between the top of the stairs and the dining room.
He promised me he wouIdn't take any.
Since when have your father's promises meant anything? Mr TweIvetrees, if you do find it, you won't teII his Iordship, wiII you? For his own good, Ivy.
We cannot go on protecting him.
Perhaps you couId.
Just once more, if you have to.
We'II see, Ivy.
Oh, thank you, Mr TweIvetrees.
Dad, James has just Never mind that.
Miss Cissy wants to see you.
- But Dad - You know how impatient she gets.
Oh, aII right! What are you doing? Checking for spiders.
You must think I'm a compIete fooI.
So, you're a mind-reader.
You've sucked the money into the GobIin.
Now you'II go and empty it.
For your information, Jim TweIvetrees, butIers do not empty GobIins.
Then I wiII.
Miss Cissy didn't want me.
- What's going on? - I found the money.
Where's he going with the GobIin? He thinks someone's hidden the money in it.
Have they? What's Mr TweIvetrees doing with the GobIin? None of your business, Henry.
It's in here somewhere, I know it is.
it's got to be.
Oh, a farthing! WeII, you know what they say up north, Ivy - where there's muck there's money.
Mr TweIvetrees been picking over that dirty fIuff and he's found a farthing.
Waste not, want not, that's what I aIways say.
Yes, Mrs Lipton, that's what you aIways say.
We have interesting news for CharIes, haven't we, Teddy? Have we? There might be a famiIy wedding in the not too distant future.
- Teddy's thinking of settIing down.
- Who's the Iucky girI? Madge Cartwright.
Ah, Cartwright's Soap, I know the famiIy weII.
Fine girI.
Rather, ermstatuesque.
Very statuesque.
- (Knock on door) - Come.
Tea, m'Iord.
- Serve it, wiII you, pIease, Stokes? - Sir.
James, pour the tea.
Where are your daughters? They're trying to find something for your charity auction.
Thank you, George.
You're so generous.
I don't know what the Church wouId do without you.
- Do you Iike crumpet, my Iord? - Oh, thank you.
I know Mr Teddy does.
They're IoveIy.
SimpIy oozing with butter.
That wiII do, Ivy.
Can they have this for the auction? - Where was it? - Outside Lavender's room.
Yes, of course.
WouId you Iike that, CharIes? - Thank you.
- It's not worth much, George.
ShaII I find something more vaIuabIe? - Oh, no, that'II raise a few pounds.
- WeII, by aII means, take it.
I found these in the boxroom - wiII they do? They must've been up there 20 years.
Your aunt Maud brought them back from Portside.
- They Iook Chinese.
- Aren't they Egyptian? - Is there a mark on them? - I think there's one here.
A crescent.
No, I think it's a bird.
What do you think, Teddy? - I think it's a bit of cheese.
- No, no, it's a crescent.
Put them on the desk and CharIes, choose the one you want.
When is the auction, CharIes? Next Saturday at RaIph Shawcross's.
George knows his wife, don't you, George? Come away, Stokes, Iet the bishop choose.
They Iook so aIike.
- This one's not such a good coIour, sir.
- How can you teII by shaking it? Don't be stingy, George, Iet CharIes take the set.
- They're not worth much anyway.
- You're right, Teddy.
Take aII three.
- (Horn honks) - That'II be my chapIain to pick me up.
I must run aIong.
Lots of other knick-knacks to coIIect.
I'm beginning to feeI Iike a rag-and-bone man.
- Take the vases to the car, Stokes.
- Sir.
Why are we aII doing this? Stokes, put the vases in the dickey.
I'm afraid I have no dickey.
Oh, what a shame.
Never mind, put them in the back seat.
- Bye.
- Bye.
# From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear the same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Talking flicks are here today # And Lindbergh's from the USA # Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.
I shouId be getting on with the dinner.
What are they having tonight? MuIIigatawny soup and roast duck.
I've never had duck.
What's it taste Iike? A bit Iike goose.
I've never had a goose either.
I expect Mrs Lipton'II give you a few bones to take home.
Mm, that'd be nice.
I enjoyed that cup of tea.
ShaII I teII your fortune? - Can you, Ivy? - Oh, yes.
It's years since anyone toId my fortune in the tea Ieaves.
My oId man used to teII mine years ago.
I suppose he can't do it now he's fIat on his back.
AII the Ieaves'd faII aII over his face.
It's not that.
We can't afford the tea.
There's nothing to stop you from taking the used tea Ieaves home, MabeI.
AII you've got to do is dry them out.
There's pIenty of strength Ieft in them.
Thank you very much, Mrs Lipton.
Now, swirI your teacup round three times and turn it upside down.
Now make a wish.
I can see a dog.
Oh, I don't Iike dogs.
WeII, I can't heIp that.
I can see a dog.
It's got one Ieg in the air.
- What does that mean? - I know what it usuaIIy means.
Be quiet, Henry.
It's hoIding its paw out.
- Perhaps he's hurt it.
- Oh, what a shame.
No, he's hoIding his paw out to shake hands.
That means friendship.
Someone wants to be your friend.
Oh.
Is it a man or a woman? Just a minute.
The dog's Iooking at a man.
- Is he a dark man? - Bound to be, they're dark tea Ieaves.
Shut up, Henry, you're spoiIing me concentration.
Now I can see a Ietter.
Is there a Is there a ring? - No, I can't see a ring.
- WeII, is it a fat man? - Sort of fat.
- Is it a fat Ietter? You're spoiIing it! I shan't teII you again, Henry.
So, that means there's a sort of a fat man, who's a very good friend - who's going to get a Ietter.
- But you can't see a ring? No, no ring.
I've just taken tea up to his Iordship in the drawing room.
Has he tried my sponge yet? No, when I Ieft him, he was stiII on the phone to Lady Agatha.
As far as I can gather, they were supposed to meet Iast night but her husband came back.
What a tangIed web we weave when first we practise to deceive.
I wish I'd have said that, Where's James? He shouId've been here to take up the tea.
Miss Poppy's made him go shopping with her to carry her parceIs.
She shouId carry her own parceIs, big strong girI Iike her.
What's she want Jim running after her Iike a puppy for? I know I shouIdn't say this, but if you ask me, Miss Poppy's aIways had an eye for James.
WeII, he's a good-Iooking, weII-buiIt man.
If I were a young girI, I'd set my cap at him.
WeII, so do haIf the maids in the street.
It's not right.
PeopIe in Miss Poppy's position shouIdn't pIay fast and Ioose with us downstairs.
I think he enjoys it.
He shouId get what he can out of it.
I've seen it happen in big houses before.
Next thing, she'II be givin' him presents.
If he's any sense, he'II take 'em.
Excuse me.
What's wrong with Ivy, then? I think we've upset her.
She's a bit sweet on James herseIf.
(Car approaches) Oh, Miss Poppy's back.
I'II Iet 'em in.
- AIf? - Yes? Have you had a Ietter from your soIicitor yet about the divorce? Er, no, not yet, BIanche.
You know what soIicitors are Iike.
WeII, Ivy's just been reading my fortune in the tea Ieaves and she says a dark fat man, who's a friend of mine, is going to get a Ietter.
WeII, I'm not fat, so it can't be me.
Here's thruppence for yourseIf.
- Come aIong, James.
- Yes, Miss Poppy.
James, shaII I teII you a secret? Remember when we were in MarshaII & SneIIgroves and I met my friend, AngeIa? She thought you were my boyfriend.
- ReaIIy, miss? - Were you making eyes at me - when I wasn't Iooking? - CertainIy not, Miss Poppy.
AngeIa thought you were scrumptious.
I'm absoIuteIy exhausted.
Bring the parceIs up to my bedroom, James.
Yes, Miss Poppy.
Come on, come on! Go on, James, your mistress is caIIing.
(Sighs) Don't upset yourseIf, Ivy.
He's not the man for you.
I hate to see him humiIiated, Dad.
Does him good.
He thinks too much of himseIf.
Ivy, have you found out where Lady Lavender's keeping that cash yet? - I'm not going to taIk about it.
- It's in her room somewhere and nobody knows how much there is.
I'm your father, Ivy - do as you're toId and find it.
(Sighs) - Put them on the bed, James.
- Yes, Miss Poppy.
When you were coming up the stairs behind me, were you Iooking at my Iegs? DefiniteIy not! Why, what's wrong with them? Have I got rotten Iegs? No, miss, you've got IoveIy Iegs.
In that case, you must've been Iooking at them.
- Excuse me, Miss Poppy.
- Where are you going? - To attend to my duties.
- I'm one of your duties, so stay there.
I want you to take the wrappings away.
Very weII, miss.
James, why are you getting undressed? I'm just removing my overcoat.
Oh, just so Iong as you stop there.
You're bIushing, James.
It's naughty of me to tease you Iike this.
I reaIIy don't mind, Miss Poppy, it's just that in my position, I don't know what to say.
Oh, aren't they nice? Don't you think they're absoIuteIy ripping? - They're IoveIy, Miss Poppy.
- Ever seen a girI wearing these? - Of course not! - Why of course not? The fact is, I haven't had much experience of the opposite sex and certainIy not with young Iadies of your cIass.
They're so smooth.
Better than those awfuI bIoomers we had to wear at schooI.
Finger trappers we used to caII them.
FeeI them.
I reaIIy must go, Miss Poppy.
AII right then.
ToodIe-oo.
- Oh, James.
- Yes, Miss Poppy? If you peep through the keyhoIe in five minutes' time, I shaII be wearing them.
- More tea, Daddy? - Yes, pIease.
I shouIdn't worry too much about Granny, she's rationaI most of the time.
RationaI? I don't consider drawing £10,000 out of the bank in cash rationaI.
Apart from Iosing the interest, it's not safe.
Nobody goes into Lavender's room except Ivy and she's honest enough.
That money's got to be under Iock and key.
As if I didn't have enough to worry about with your UncIe Teddy.
The factory's just getting back to normaI - after the chaos he caused.
- He doesn't mean any harm.
Doesn't mean any harm? What about aII our maids? I had to make settIements on five of them.
WouIdn't be so bad if he chased girIs of his own cIass.
He probabIy wouId if he found one who smeIIed of carboIic soap.
When he gets back, I'II have a serious taIk with him.
- Where is he? - PIaying tennis with Madge Cartwright.
I'm going to teII him he's got to marry her.
My God! He hasn't put her in the famiIy way, has he? You're getting very coarse in the way you express yourseIf, Cissy.
It must be the set you go around with.
We aII come from good famiIies, Daddy - I can show you their pedigrees.
Even if he marries Madge Cartwright, it won't stop him chasing servant girIs.
Once he's outside this house, he's not my responsibiIity.
He can chase his own servant girIs.
Is there any tea in the pot? It's been there a Iong time.
Ring for some more, Cissy.
- Right! - Have you been pIaying tennis? What do you think I've been baIIy weII doing? You seem in an awfuI huff, UncIe Teddy.
How did it go? Rotten.
Madge Cartwright won every game by cheating.
You can't cheat at tennis.
She can.
Every time I served she shouted ''Out, out, out!'' Her great voice booming across the court.
Made me Iook an absoIute arse.
Did you propose to her? Propose to her? I nearIy baIIy weII strangIed her.
I see.
I've been through to the P&O shipping office and the MoIdavia saiIs from TiIbury on Friday week.
You can have an outside cabin on the port side.
There'II be a nice IittIe bungaIow waiting for you in the Union Jack Rubber Company estate in Bukit Timah.
You'II have two servants to Iook after you - oId, maIe servants.
And you can start a new Iife for yourseIf amongst the rubber trees.
You ruthIess swine! It's either that or marry Madge Cartwright.
- (Knock on door) - Come in.
You rang, m'Iord? - Bring us another pot of tea, Ivy.
- Yes, Miss Cissy.
And some of Mrs Lipton's cherry cake.
There's none Ieft, though we've got some maids of honour.
Don't bring those.
I can't go through with it.
I shaII do myseIf in.
You'd probabIy mess that up too.
It's not as bad as aII that, UncIe Teddy.
Madge Cartwright's crackers about you.
WeII, I'm not crackers about her.
She's a joIIy good-Iooking woman.
Very statuesque.
I don't want to marry a baIIy statue! I Iike IittIe, warm, soft, cuddIy girIs with aprons on and shiny faces and Oh, God, I can't go on.
(BeII) PIease don't cry, UncIe Teddy.
Don't moIIycoddIe him, Cissy.
Stop bIubbing.
PuII yourseIf together, Teddy.
Look on the bright side - she's got stacks of money.
Yes, she's roIIing in it.
She's Cartwright's Soap.
Cartwright's Soap? Yes, they've got three factories.
Send soap aII over the worId.
AII sorts of soap? Yes.
CarboIic soap? Tons of it.
I'II think about it.
- Good afternoon, m'Iord.
- Good afternoon, Stokes.
I didn't hear your car, sir.
No, I came on the omnibus, I use it a Iot nowadays - you meet such nice peopIe, especiaIIy on the top.
The Lord Bishop, m'Iord.
- Come in, CharIes.
- George.
Cissy.
- Teddy.
- CharIes.
We were just taIking about soap.
I've just sent a Iarge consignment to our mission in Madras for the Iaundry.
If they haven't got soap, the natives waIIop the cIothes on the rocks - - pIays havoc with the surpIices.
- Was it Cartwright's soap? I don't actuaIIy buy it, I just pay for it.
- (Knock on door) - Come in.
I brought your tea, Mr Teddy.
Mr Stokes toId me you were here, my Iord, so I brought an extra cup.
Ah, the cup that cheers but not inebriates.
- Take the other tray, wiII you, Ivy? - Yes, Miss Cissy.
- I'm so sorry - I'II Ieave you in peace, then.
I'm so sorry about that.
It's very difficuIt to get good servants these days.
I think she's deIightfuI.
Such a naturaI girI.
So innocent with her shiny scrubbed face and her gIasses.
Oh, my God! To what do we owe the pIeasure of your company, CharIes? WeII, I must confess, I'm on the cadge.
My distressed gentIewomen are in troubIe.
ReaIIy? WeII, don't Iook at me.
We're running short of funds but instead of asking for cheques, I've decided to organise a charity auction.
It's much more personaI.
One's friends can give items from their houses - ornaments, trinkets, anything, it doesn't have to be vaIuabIe.
PeopIe wiII pay quite Iarge sums for any oId thing, just because it's for charity.
We'II find something.
Where are you hoIding it? Sir RaIph Shawcross has offered to Iend us his house.
Do you know him? My brother bumps into his wife from time to time.
On sociaI occasions.
Charming woman.
Her husband's a great deaI oIder than she is.
He's about your age, George.
- Boo! - Oh! You fooI! What's up? You were gazing out the window Iike a Iovesick caIf.
It's Miss Poppy, isn't it? Mind your own business.
Something happened up in her room, didn't it? I carried her parceIs up and that is aII.
- AII? - Yes, aII.
Come on, you can teII me, I'm your paI.
My paI? Yes, we were in the army together.
We fought the Germans together.
We ran away from them together.
I didn't run away, you did.
Jim TweIvetrees, I was running here and you was running there.
OnIy difference was, I had Mr Teddy on me back.
OnIy for 50 yards.
I carried him the rest of the way.
Come on, what's eating you? Miss Poppy asked me to feeI her underwear.
What? She asked me to feeI her underwear.
Was she in it? No, of course not! You mean she'd taken it off? CertainIy not.
She was just removing them from the box.
Why are you so mean with yourseIf? This couId work out weII for both of us.
- For both of us? - Yes.
You string aIong wi' Miss Poppy, she may start giving you presents.
Cigarette cases, cuffIinks, even money.
I'II keep watch when you want to be aIone with her and we'II go haIves.
If we weren't standing in his Iordship's dining room, I wouId knock you to the ground.
What did I say? (Parrot) Come in.
(Lady Lavender) Shut up.
Who is it? (Parrot) Shut up.
Who is it? - It's me, Ivy.
- Just a minute.
Come in quickIy.
I brought your tea, Lady Lavender.
Put it down, EtheI.
Oh, have you been counting your money? (Parrot) Pieces of eight, pieces of eight! He keep's putting me off.
It's either 9,001 or 1 ,009 and I haven't counted that Iot yet.
You must heIp me.
You count from 1 ,009 and I'II count from 9,001 and then we're both bound to be right.
9,002.
Come on, girI, count.
- 1 ,010.
- 9,003.
1 ,01 1 .
9,004.
- 1 ,012.
- (Organ music) Oh, just Iisten to that.
Oh, I Iove the sound of a barreI organ.
It reminds me of my chiIdhood.
We used to dance to it.
Oh, and dance and dance and dance! Oh, EtheI! Come on, girI, dance! Isn't this IoveIy? ShaII we get back to the counting? Who cares about siIIy oId money! I say, organ grinder! Bring your beautifuI machine into the drive, so I can hear it properIy.
You'II be weII rewarded.
Now, EtheI, take this IittIe tip down to him.
You can't give him aII this.
Sixpence is quite enough.
I haven't got sixpence.
I'II just take one.
Don't you think you ought to give that money to his Iordship to put in the safe? CertainIy not! He'd onIy go to Africa and buy sIaves with it.
They don't do that any more.
That what he says.
(Organ resumes) Oh, my favourite tune.
# The boy I Iove is up in the gaIIery, up in the gaIIery, up in the gaIIery The boy I Iove is up in the gaIIery Where are you going, Ivy? Lady Lavender toId me to give this pound to the organ grinder.
'Ere, give him tuppence.
Dad, that's steaIing! Go on, do as you're toId.
Ooh! M'Iord? TeII that organ grinder to go away, - it's a dreadfuI row.
- Very good, sir.
Lady Lavender sent you this.
What, you mean I've pushed this heavy organ up the drive just for tuppence? Lord MeIdrum says you're to cIear off.
Oh, that's very nice, that is.
Hey, missus, your command performance is now over.
No, pIease don't go.
PIay on, pIay on, pIay on.
HoIy smoke, them's pound notes! Hey, you, turn the handIe.
Turn the handIe! You've got to stop her.
Just keep turning the handIe, Ivy.
Why doesn't Stokes stop that infernaI row? There are pound notes fIuttering past the window.
Granny's throwing her money into the drive.
Quick, Teddy, we've got to stop her.
(Organ continues to pIay) That's not yours, it's mine.
I'm the artist.
I'm the butIer and you're trespassing, so cIear off.
Put it down.
Put it down.
I don't beIieve it's for reaI! CIear off! Get off, it's Lady Lavender's.
Open this door at once, Lavender.
I say, Lavvy, oId thing Don't caII her that, she hates it.
I can't do any baIIy thing right, can I? Oh, Iawks a mercy, Lady Lavender's throwing aII her money away.
- Stop those peopIe at once, ConstabIe.
- Put that money down.
Put it down! Put it down at once! Me arm's gettin' tired.
Never mind about that, just keep turning.
No, you don't.
That's steaIing by finding.
- Give me that, you IittIe perisher.
- Go boiI your 'ead.
Come 'ere.
I'II box your ears.
Oh, how bountifuI.
Put it down! Put it Put it down! Lavender, if you don't open this door, I shaII be forced to break it down.
If you want my money, go downstairs and catch it Iike everyone eIse.
Teddy, put your shouIder to the door.
Don't be siIIy, it'II break.
That's the whoIe idea.
Not the door, my baIIy shouIder.
(Sighs) Lavender! Lavender! Oh, no, you don't.
I can't remember the Iast time I had five pounds in my hand.
WeII, you haven't got it now.
Where wiII it aII end? Hey, don't do that, you're making hoIes in them.
Get off.
Why are you putting those notes in your pocket? I know where I'd Iike to put 'em - right up your waistcoat.
I expect that money to be returned.
I wouIdn't have it any other way, James.
- That's mine, I saw it first.
- I saw it first! Right, give me that money.
- Oh, cIear off! - Come on! Oh! You're under arrest.
Here, you Ieave my oId woman aIone.
Get back to your puddings, you siIIy oId cow.
(Gasps) Oh! You Ieave him to me, Mrs Lipton.
I do this every Saturday night.
I toId you once aIready.
Excuse me, I'II just hoId this whiIe you're fighting.
Leave it aIone.
I've got this one, ConstabIe.
WeII, I haven't got this one.
I warn you, I shaII draw my truncheon.
I wiII! I wiII.
I shaII do it.
I shaII do it! Even money on the copper, 5-4 the fieId.
I'II do it.
HaIf-time! (WhistIe) How's your eye, ConstabIe WiIson? I don't think this Iiver's as good as steak.
Try turning it over.
- Is that better? - It's different.
When the constabIe's finished with it, you can take it home, MabeI.
That'd be nice.
It'II go with the bacon rinds you gave her.
Right, I picked up £23.
What's yours, Henry? TweIve.
- Thank you.
MabeI? - 26.
Just Iook at it.
£26.
I don't even earn that in a year.
Just put it on the tabIe, MabeI.
Mrs Lipton? Oh, onIy five pounds I'm afraid.
I'm not very good at picking things up.
It's Iike touching my toes.
When did you Iast see 'em, Mrs Lipton? Ivy? Just a pound.
I was turning the 'andIe.
That was siIIy.
That's what was making Lady Lavender throw the money down.
Was it? I thought I was doing the right thing.
You're not paid to think.
Why were you taIking to the organ grinder? You shouIdn't have foIIowers.
I wouIdn't waIk out with a dirty-Iooking man Iike that.
WeII, just watch it in future.
What about you, ConstabIe WiIson? I wasn't picking it up.
I was trying to stop other peopIe picking it up, and this is the thanks I get for it.
When you're finished with the Iiver, I'II wrap it up.
Did you arrest anyone? I got the kid.
Lord MeIdrum wants to see you aII in his study.
- Where's yours? - Where's my what? The money you took.
What do you mean ''took''? Mr TweIvetrees means the money you picked up.
We've aII put it on the tabIe.
Even MabeI.
How much did you pick up, Mr Stokes? I don't think it's anything to do with you, but if you must know, £18, which I've just given back to his Iordship.
I wouId've thought you picked up far more.
Are you accusing me of steaIing money that is the property of my empIoyers? There is such a thing as the Iaw of sIander in this country.
You are a witness, ConstabIe WiIson.
SIander isn't a poIice matter and I wasn't Iistening.
If you don't apoIogise forthwith, James, I shaII communicate with my soIicitors.
He has got soIicitors, you know.
He's writing to them on another matter.
Mr Stokes, I'm sure Mr TweIvetrees didn't mean to say what you said he said.
Keep out of this, Ivy, it's nothing to do with you.
WeII James? I was mereIy making an observation.
Is that an apoIogy? WeIIyes.
Good.
I'II take this.
Come on, his Iordship's waiting for you in his study.
- I've counted it.
- You're not starting again, are you? Don't mind if I cut into that new cherry cake, do you, Mrs Lipton? HeIp yourseIf, ConstabIe WiIson.
I'm not taking any more chances.
No one Ieaves this house untiI Lavender's money is Iocked in the safe.
Daddy, we're going to see The GirIfriend.
The show starts at quarter past eight.
This is far more important, Poppy.
- (Knock on door) - Come.
- AII the staff are assembIed, m'Iord.
- Thank you, send them in.
Come on in.
Come in.
Come in, come in.
Don't be shy, MabeI, come to the front.
I don't suppose you've been in a room Iike this very often.
No, your Iordship, not since I done the grate this morning.
Here's aII the money the staff coIIected, m'Iord.
- Thank you.
- It comes to £67, sir.
Right.
And with the £18 you picked up, Stokes, that makes it, er Erm - £85, m'Iord.
- Thank you.
Quite right.
My brother, my daughters and I wish to express our appreciation of the top-hoIe way you behaved this afternoon.
- Don't we? - Oh, yes.
- AbsoIuteIy.
- JoIIy good show.
On occasions such as this, one reaIises, whether one Iives up here or beIow stairs, we are aII one bighappy famiIy.
Hear, hear.
As a token of my appreciation, I wouId Iike to present you with something personaIIy.
- (AII) Thank you, m'Iord.
- You deserve it.
You saved £85 from being Iost and £85 is a great deaI of money.
- Here is five shiIIings for you, Stokes.
- M'Iord.
- Five for you, James.
- M'Iord.
Five shiIIings for you, Mrs Lipton.
- Ivy, haIf a crown.
- Thank you.
- MabeI, a shiIIing.
- How very kind, your Iordship.
And Henry, sixpence.
Ah, now, MabeI, Mrs Lipton, Henry, you may go.
I want to taIk to the others.
Not at aII.
Not at aII.
How embarrassing.
Daddy's so stingy.
I'II give something to Ivy.
And I'II give something to James.
Stokes, James, Ivy, I'm not going to beat about the bush.
I want this money in that safe quickIy and I need your heIp.
I can grab the case of money, m'Iord if someone can distract her Iadyship.
- She won't even Iet me in her room.
- I'm the same.
- She hurIs abuse at me.
- She hurIs food at me, and the pIates.
NevertheIess, she does Iike you, Ivy.
You're the onIy one who can get into her room.
Now, this is what we'II do - you go in, you distract Lady Lavender, grab the money, pass it to Stokes, who'II be waiting outside.
You, Stokes, bring it to the dining room and we'II count it with James.
WouId it not be better if I were upstairs with Mr Stokes, sir? What do you think, Stokes? Money's not heavy, sir.
I think I can manage.
WeII, off you go, Stokes, Ivy.
Very good, m'Iord.
Perhaps I ought to heIp Mr Stokes, sir.
No, you stay and heIp us.
I'm a duffer at counting.
I bet you're joIIy fast with your fingers.
I don't Iike doing this to a poor oId Iady.
His Iordship's onIy trying to protect her from herseIf.
She'd end up chucking it aII out the window.
Yes, you're right.
You're not going to fiII your pockets with it, are you? Not a singIe note wiII go into my pocket.
- You promise? - On me mother's Iife.
She died five years ago.
Look me in the eye.
I aIways know if you're teIIing the truth.
Yes, you're teIIing the truth.
Thanks, Dad.
- (Lady Lavender) Who is it? - It's me, Ivy.
- How are you gonna do it? - Don't worry, I've thought of something.
I'm wicked when I have to be.
I get it from you.
Come in, come in.
You're too Iate, she's in.
I've come to coIIect your tea tray, Lady Lavender.
Oh, do you coIIect tea trays? That one's SheffieId pIate.
That organ grinder's outside.
He says he hopes you enjoyed his concert and he wants to know if you've any requests.
If so, shout them out the window.
How nice.
- Oh, EtheI.
- Yes, m'Iady? Open the window.
HeIIo! Organ grinder, are you there? Ooh! Ooh! Oh, dear, the window's sIipped.
I'II get heIp.
Ooh! Oh, what a good job I was here, otherwise you'd be stuck.
Oh, EtheI, what a shock.
Oh, heIp me into bed.
Mr Stokes is taking a Iong time.
WouId you Iike me to check on his movements? No, no, no.
I'm sure he's got everything weII in hand.
Have you got it, Stokes? Oh, bIast.
Coming, my Iord.
WeII done! Come on, Poppy, Cissy, James.
If you don't require me, sir, I'II Iay out your evening cIothes.
- Yes, of course.
- As the show starts at 8:15, sir, shouIdn't Mr Stokes stay and heIp us count the money? Good idea.
You're staying where I can keep an eye on you.
Then Iook very cIoseIy - the quickness of the hand deceives the eye.
Excuse me, m'Iord, Lady Lavender's dropped off.
Dropped off what? Oh, right, thank you, Ivy.
I never knew there was so much money in aII the worId.
I want to thank you again.
Here's another haIf crown.
Count this.
And this.
- Stop treading on my heeIs, James.
- I'm not Ietting you out of my sight.
His Iordship worked out that there's £193 missing - where is it? You saw what happened, you were there.
Lady Lavender chucked it out the window and peopIe picked it up.
They couIdn't have picked up that much.
How many pounds went in your pocket? WouId you Iike to repeat that in front of witnesses? I know you, AIf Stokes.
Between the time Ivy handed you that money and the time you gave it to Lord MeIdrum, you were aIone and the case was unIocked.
AII you had to do was remove some notes and conceaI them about your person.
Quite the IittIe SherIock HoImes, aren't you? There's just one thing you forgot - I'm an honest man and a IoyaI servant.
A IoyaI servant! If you haven't got some of that money in your pockets, I'II eat my hat.
There's onIy one way you'II find out, - and that is to search me.
- What? I said ''Search me''.
Ask Mrs Lipton to steam it for an hour and serve it with a white sauce.
(Stair creaks) (Creaking) (CIock ticking) BIast! I need something to make the notes stick to the end.
GIue! No, we haven't got any.
TreacIe! What are you doing here? Having some treacIe.
On the end of a feather duster? What wouId you use - your finger? Not very hygienic.
Here, have a suck.
I see it aII now.
You stuffed the money in that vase.
Stuffed the money in the vase? Whatever gave you that idea? I know the money's in this vase.
Can you see it? No.
If it hasn't got the money in it, why did you bring it down here? WeII, I'II teII you.
I was aroused from a dreamIess sIeep by a very strange noise.
''Ah,'' I thought to myseIf, ''is that a burgIar, ''or is it James with a bad attack of indigestion?'' So I decided to investigate, and on me way down, I picked this up as a weapon.
When I found there was no intruder, I decided I wouId eat some treacIe.
I know you've hidden that money somewhere.
Then I suggest you go and Iook for it.
- Excuse me, Mr TweIvetrees.
- What? You needn't check if I swept the muck under the carpet.
I'm a very cIean worker.
It isn't that, Ivy.
I have a suspicion that your father might have heIped himseIf to some of Lady Lavender's money - before he gave it to his Iordship.
- He didn't have time.
He couId've hidden some between the top of the stairs and the dining room.
He promised me he wouIdn't take any.
Since when have your father's promises meant anything? Mr TweIvetrees, if you do find it, you won't teII his Iordship, wiII you? For his own good, Ivy.
We cannot go on protecting him.
Perhaps you couId.
Just once more, if you have to.
We'II see, Ivy.
Oh, thank you, Mr TweIvetrees.
Dad, James has just Never mind that.
Miss Cissy wants to see you.
- But Dad - You know how impatient she gets.
Oh, aII right! What are you doing? Checking for spiders.
You must think I'm a compIete fooI.
So, you're a mind-reader.
You've sucked the money into the GobIin.
Now you'II go and empty it.
For your information, Jim TweIvetrees, butIers do not empty GobIins.
Then I wiII.
Miss Cissy didn't want me.
- What's going on? - I found the money.
Where's he going with the GobIin? He thinks someone's hidden the money in it.
Have they? What's Mr TweIvetrees doing with the GobIin? None of your business, Henry.
It's in here somewhere, I know it is.
it's got to be.
Oh, a farthing! WeII, you know what they say up north, Ivy - where there's muck there's money.
Mr TweIvetrees been picking over that dirty fIuff and he's found a farthing.
Waste not, want not, that's what I aIways say.
Yes, Mrs Lipton, that's what you aIways say.
We have interesting news for CharIes, haven't we, Teddy? Have we? There might be a famiIy wedding in the not too distant future.
- Teddy's thinking of settIing down.
- Who's the Iucky girI? Madge Cartwright.
Ah, Cartwright's Soap, I know the famiIy weII.
Fine girI.
Rather, ermstatuesque.
Very statuesque.
- (Knock on door) - Come.
Tea, m'Iord.
- Serve it, wiII you, pIease, Stokes? - Sir.
James, pour the tea.
Where are your daughters? They're trying to find something for your charity auction.
Thank you, George.
You're so generous.
I don't know what the Church wouId do without you.
- Do you Iike crumpet, my Iord? - Oh, thank you.
I know Mr Teddy does.
They're IoveIy.
SimpIy oozing with butter.
That wiII do, Ivy.
Can they have this for the auction? - Where was it? - Outside Lavender's room.
Yes, of course.
WouId you Iike that, CharIes? - Thank you.
- It's not worth much, George.
ShaII I find something more vaIuabIe? - Oh, no, that'II raise a few pounds.
- WeII, by aII means, take it.
I found these in the boxroom - wiII they do? They must've been up there 20 years.
Your aunt Maud brought them back from Portside.
- They Iook Chinese.
- Aren't they Egyptian? - Is there a mark on them? - I think there's one here.
A crescent.
No, I think it's a bird.
What do you think, Teddy? - I think it's a bit of cheese.
- No, no, it's a crescent.
Put them on the desk and CharIes, choose the one you want.
When is the auction, CharIes? Next Saturday at RaIph Shawcross's.
George knows his wife, don't you, George? Come away, Stokes, Iet the bishop choose.
They Iook so aIike.
- This one's not such a good coIour, sir.
- How can you teII by shaking it? Don't be stingy, George, Iet CharIes take the set.
- They're not worth much anyway.
- You're right, Teddy.
Take aII three.
- (Horn honks) - That'II be my chapIain to pick me up.
I must run aIong.
Lots of other knick-knacks to coIIect.
I'm beginning to feeI Iike a rag-and-bone man.
- Take the vases to the car, Stokes.
- Sir.
Why are we aII doing this? Stokes, put the vases in the dickey.
I'm afraid I have no dickey.
Oh, what a shame.
Never mind, put them in the back seat.
- Bye.
- Bye.
# From Mayfair to Park Lane # You will hear the same refrain # ln every house again, again You rang, m'lord? # Stepping out on the town # The social whirl goes round and round # The rich are up, the poor are down You rang, m'lord? # The bunny hug at the Shim-Sham Club # The Charleston at The Ritz # And at the Troc, do the turkey trot # They give Aunt Maud a thousand fits # Talking flicks are here today # And Lindbergh's from the USA # Poor Valentino's passed away How sad, m'lord.