Z Rock (2008) s02e03 Episode Script

Oh, that's gotta be it! - That's it! Chevy Express! - That's it.
Joey: We're finally gonna get a brand-new used van.
- Huh? Did I do good? - Oh, this is nice, man.
- Joey: Killer.
- Look at the color and the finish.
Oh my God! - Oh, shit.
- What happened? There's someone in there.
Dude, you scared the hell out of me.
I overslept, guys.
Sorry.
Are you Frank Stallone? - Yeah.
- Are you really? Holy cow! Dude, we bust his balls all the time saying that he looks like you.
He could be my son.
Who's your mother? You're selling this van? Yeah.
How much you got? - What do you mean? - What do you got? - On me? Cash? - Yeah.
I don't know.
Like $260 or something.
- I'll take it.
- What? You serious? - You'll take 260? - I'll take 260.
But you gotta drop me off where I'm sleeping tonight.
Yeah.
Where are you staying? Wherever you drop me off.
Why don't you just go home? You just bought my home.
We're a Brooklyn band It's rock 'n' roll we live But to pay the rent We gotta play for kids Yeah Are you ready? Are you ready to start the show? Z Rock coming Here we go! Kids: Z Rock! David: This is an amazing van, dude.
This is a band van if I've ever seen one.
This is a man's van, baby.
I cannot believe I'm sitting in Frank Stallone's ex-van right now.
- How cool is that? - Correction.
Franks Stallone's ex-house.
I'm gonna christen this thing like nobody's business.
- Hold on.
- Wait.
You have christening rights, but you can't just go around fucking girls on every seat.
Why not? 'Cause there are three guys in this band.
I'm making an executive decision right now.
Everyone chooses their spot to christen.
Okay? I, because I'm a giant with long legs, - I get the aisle.
- Hold on.
So no one can screw anybody in the aisle.
You're not a giant.
I am a giant.
Anything over six feet is considered a giant.
- It's gigantism? - Check Wikipedia.
I guarantee it, all right? Look at this.
Look look.
- What is that? - The Snuggie he had on.
- Oh, he left it.
- Yeah.
Oh, that's great.
That's not great.
The guy is probably freezing right now.
We gotta bring it back to him.
Are you crazy? I'm keeping this bad boy.
Wait a second.
If we're keeping it, it belongs to the band, not you.
- I agree.
- We didn't buy the Snuggie too.
He left it here and I found it.
- It's in our van.
- I say I'd say - We should sell it - Yeah.
put the money in the band fund.
- Sell it? Where are you gonna sell it? On eBay, where you sell everything.
Who the hell is gonna buy Frank Stallone's Snuggie on eBay? - Both: You.
- Yeah, that's true.
Nice wheels.
Get in.
Whoa! Don't sit on this.
Are you cold? We have a Snuggie for you.
Oh, gross.
It smells like Frank Stallone in here.
Neil: Guys, thank you so much for doing the party today.
It really means a lot to me.
What is the deal with the party anyway? You still didn't give us any info.
Well, it's the first time I'm gonna meet my new niece.
- Wow, that's great.
- My cousin Mary just went to China and adopted a six-year-old Chinese girl.
They just got back and they're they're here to celebrate.
- What's her name? - I don't know.
Something that sounds like a bunch of dishes falling on the ground, I'm sure.
Joey: Why an Asian baby? Well, they're cheaper.
They fit in small places.
- Really? - How come she's adopting? Her and her wife Beth decided they wanted to have a family, so they decided to adopt.
Wait a second.
Your cousin Mary's wife? - Yeah.
- Are they lesbians? They are.
I'm not for it.
I'm not into that.
So your whole family is like you? I'm not sure what you mean.
You know, your whole family is a little (whistles) - A little what? - You know, ding-dong.
I don't understand what Joey's talking about.
Skipping around the old tulip bush.
Neil: We had a nice tulip bush.
Paulie: So hold on.
Is this gonna be a lesbian party? Dude, it's not gonna be like porno lesbians - with the big boobs and perfect bodies.
- How do you know? I'm just saying, real life lesbians are more like like Rosie O'Donnell.
Paulie: You wanna burst my freaking lesbian bubble? Fine.
(cell phone ringing) Hold on.
Hello? Hi, it's Dina.
I have great news.
Stanley Cofield's mother died.
Stanley Cofield? The big concert promoter? - Yeah.
Him.
- Oh shit.
That's horrible.
No no no.
As I told Stanley, I believe everything happens for a reason.
I think she died so you could open for KISS.
- What? - Okay, so I'm talking to Stanley at the old lady's casket when he told me that he booked KISS for a charity event tonight, but the opening act he had just dropped out.
So I tell him I just happened to have the perfect band to open for him.
- You're in.
- All right.
Let me tell the guys.
- I'll talk to you later, okay? - Love you, bye.
All right.
Bye.
Oh my God.
- What? - We're opening for KISS tonight! What?! How? I don't know some guy died and now we're opening for KISS.
(laughing) (doorbell ringing) Yeah yeah! - Hi! - Mary.
- Neil, how are you? - Oh, it's good to see you.
Oh, you too.
Welcome.
- Hi.
Mary.
- Hi.
- These are the boys.
David.
- Hi, how are you? - Nice to meet you.
- Joey.
- Hi.
You're Mary? - Yeah.
- Paulie.
- Nice to meet you.
These guys are all giddy.
They're opening up for KISS tonight.
- Oh, wow.
That's great.
- Yes.
- Just found out.
Yeah.
We're stoked.
- Congratulations.
- The place looks great.
- Thank you.
I remember crawling around these floors.
You used to come here as a kid, Neil? No no.
It was like a year ago.
But I was in a diaper.
- Oh, here she is.
- Is this is my little cousin? Yes.
Hi.
This is Ling Pong.
- She's good.
- Yeah.
- I thought she was hungry.
- She's adorable.
- Yeah.
- She has hair like David.
- Hi.
- She's her English is not great yet.
Oh, sorry.
Moshi moshi.
And she doesn't speak Japanese either, so Don't be a racist, Dave.
You guys wanna set up in the living room? - Yes.
Sure.
Lead the way.
- Right this way.
Thanks.
That's Beth.
I told you so.
That's definitely no porno lesbian.
Did you get my text? Oh, please.
Really? - What? - That's your pick-up line? - That's one of many.
- Oh, okay.
Well, let's hear the list.
Oh, no.
Now I'm under pressure.
- Oh, coward.
- Yeah, I'm setting up.
- I'm obviously in the band.
- All right.
- All right.
- You need a backstage pass.
You have one? That's it.
I'm out.
I only have two lines.
So what, kids' party during the day and - Rock band at night.
Yeah.
- Really? What other gigs do you got coming up? Um, actually, we're playing with KISS tonight, believe it or not.
- Shut up.
- I'm not even kidding.
In high school everybody said I have a tongue like Gene Simmons.
- Let me see.
- Oh my God.
- Are you crazy? The Mets? - Yeah.
- They're bums.
- Of course you're a Yankee fan, 'cause you buy your victories.
The Mets, we gotta squeak 'em out.
Buy our victories? What are you nuts? You got all home-grown talent.
Jeter, Mariano The boys can play, man.
At the end of the day we're gonna win games.
- Absolutely.
- If you glve me a limitless check book I can get you a victory and I can get a championship team too.
I mean, the Mets are working on their pitching, they're getting a better bench.
This year we have a real possibility.
- You can even talk to Mets fans.
- You can't talk to Mets fans.
Not only that, when's the last time we went to the playoffs? Well, you know, I'm gonna get myself a drink.
I'll be right back.
Grab me another one.
Paulie: Where did you get that? That is awesome.
Family heirloom.
Irish, German and a little bit of French.
Mmm.
(speaks French) Oh.
Fantastic.
Meaning? Where is the Eiffel Tower? But it sounds sexy, no? - You had me at hello.
- I did? I should have saved the French line for the second date.
And where would you take me on a date? Uh, Eiffel Tower.
All the way to Paris? No no, it's actually a cafe in Brooklyn on Bensonhurst.
But they have great cannolis.
Hi, everyone, thank you so much for coming and for welcoming Ling Pong home.
And now give it up for the Z Brothers! (cheering) Hi, everybody.
We're here to sing a very special song for Ling Pong on her first day home.
So you guys ready? - Say yeah! - AIl: Yeah! Whoa! I guess they are.
So let's start off with our little "Hello, Hurray" song.
Here we go.
I want you guys to repeat after us, okay? When we say hello, you guys say hello.
And when we say hurray, you say hurray, okay? As loud as you can.
- Hello! - Hello! - Hurray! - Hurray! That's how we greet you today - With hello! - Hello! - Hurray! - Hurray! We're gonna sing this song for Ling Pong And her two moms 'cause there's nothing wrong With having two moms In fact it's the bomb So sing Hello! Yeah! You really have to come out.
I mean it's time.
I just don't know if I'm ready yet.
No, you're ready.
You need to come out.
I mean, I've researched it, I've looked at pictures online.
It all looks great and a lot of fun, but It's completely different.
And Neil, until you do it, you're not gonna know.
Its just, you know, seems so tight down there.
It may seem tight, but if you just relax it's actually a pretty big space.
It's a feeling.
Don't think about what it is.
- Think about the feeling.
- Yeah.
It is a feeling.
- You gotta come out.
- All right, I'm sold.
I'm gonna come out to your place in Palm Springs next summer.
- Yes! - You'll love it! But don't you faggots go trying to grab my ass down there, all right? - Come here! - Come on! - One time! - All right.
Come on.
- I'm gonna take off.
- All right.
- Bye.
I love that guy.
- He's cute.
- Guys, it's KISS time.
- Let's go.
Come on, freako! (giggling) Paulie, Paulie, Paulie.
You got a minute? - Yeah.
- You guys were amazing.
- That was so fantastic.
- Thank you.
- The kids were thrilled enthralled.
- Thank you.
But now I have a personal question for you.
- What's up? - I was wondering if you might be free later.
Well, you know, I have the KISS concert.
- Right.
- And I guess after that I can hang out.
But why don't you come to the KISS show with us? - Seriously? - Yeah.
And then after that, yeah, we can hang after that.
Okay okay.
I wanna ask if I can take it one step further.
- Would you be - Oh boy.
up for adding someone to our evening? - Are you serious? - Yeah, I'm serious.
Wait a second.
I don't wanna be forward here, but are you saying what I think you're saying? - You, me, plus.
- And someone else? - Three.
- Three.
This is one of those days I'm gonna put down in my book.
- It's exciting, right? - Hey, babe.
Baby! I'm just gonna put Ling Pong to bed.
She's really tired.
- Okay.
Thank you so much.
- She loved her party.
- Thank you.
- Uh-huh.
- What's the matter? - I'm confused.
- Are you Beth? - Yeah.
- Who did you think I was? - I don't know.
I just thought you were some random friend at the party.
Wait a second.
Then who is that? (whispering) That is our nanny.
(gasps) Oh my God! - All coming together.
- Oh my God! - All coming together.
- Yes! - Wait.
No! - What? - You're Ling Pong's mom, right? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Oh my God.
- No no, don't worry.
No no, listen listen.
I'm ready to experiment, to explore - Hi! - Hi, I'm sorry.
KISS! What are you doing? We gotta get changed.
- Yes yes yes! I know.
- Let's go! I have to run.
We don't have a lot of time.
- You're coming to the KISS show, right? - I will see you there.
- We'll talk about it more later, okay? - Okay.
Bye.
But oh my God! David: Once again, baby, we're opening for KISS! Joey: That's right, baby! Oh, God.
Wow.
What the hell is your problem? How come you're not celebrating with us? L I don't know, man.
I just I can't stop thinking about this whole threesome thing.
We're gonna open for KISS and you're gonna have a threesome.
What could be wrong? It's just it's not the situation that I had pictured, you know? Look, you know me.
I'm Mr.
Threesome, all right? Joey: Wait a second.
Who the hell ever called you Mr.
Threesome? Oh, just ask people on the street.
That's the word on the street, my friend.
- What street? - There's at least four people on Cropsey Avenue that know me as Mr.
Threesome.
The point is, they just adopted a girl from China.
Today was the first day of their freaking family.
- I wouldn't do it.
- I want to do it.
And I'm not saying I'm not going to, I'm just saying it's distracting me from what I should be thinking about, which is KISS.
(cheering) This is awesome! KISS again! I'm telling you, I feel it.
We've got success back on! The rock gods are smiling on us, I think.
- Whoo! - Yes they are.
You all deserve it! I'm so proud of you guys.
- (knocking on door) - Why is the star so low? I don't know.
Celebrities are weird.
Um Hey, what's up, baby? What's up? Dina, is there any chance instead of opening up for KISS tonight, we're opening up for Mini KISS? A little chance.
Dina: All right, wait.
Wait wait wait.
Wait a minute.
No rash thinking.
Hold on.
Wait wait wait.
Let's think this out.
I'm sorry, but it's all my fault.
It's all because of Stanley, the fucking promoter.
Now that I think back, maybe my actions at the funeral were a little inappropriate.
I probably shouldn't have struck up a conversation actually at the casket.
I'm sorry, I couldn't get him to return my calls.
I couldn't get him to listen to me so I took advantage of the funeral.
- Sue me.
- This shit happens to us all the time.
Let's just spin it, okay? It's all about spin in this business.
Let's just spin this into a positive.
Yeah, go ahead.
I wanna hear you spin this one.
Go ahead.
- Yeah.
- There's food.
There's great food.
This is the first time I'm actually gonna say - I don't really care about the food.
- Don't get crazy now.
No, because honestly I'm embarrassed, okay? We thought we were gonna play with KISS.
Not a half-ass, half-size shitty KISS cover band.
Whoa whoa.
Motherfucker, what did you just say? - Oh shit! - What the hell are you doing? - Get him, Paul! - What did I do? Fuck him up, man.
- I got 20 on mini Paul.
- Stop it! Get off of me! - Put him down, Paulie.
- Put him down? - Tell him to put me down.
- You stop it! What are you doing? Are you out of your mind? - Whoa whoa whoa.
- You don't want a piece of me, miniman.
Stop stop stop stop! Paulie: Guys, please, knock it off.
- He got loud about us.
- I get it.
I get it.
All right.
I'm sorry.
(coughs) Just let me explain.
I didn't mean it.
I didn't mean it.
It was a miscommunication.
What you said was really wrong, man, come on.
I know but you took it out of context.
- We were in a argument - You didn't have to disrespect us.
Look, here's the situation.
Honestly, okay? We thought we were playing a gig with the real KISS.
Guys, you're KISS fans, yes? - Yeah, big time.
- Okay, we live for those guys.
And we thought we were gonna play with them.
We were booked under false pretenses.
So when we got here and we saw you guys it was just a shock.
You didn't know you were playing with us? No.
If we knew we were playing with you guys, we'd be psyched.
All right.
I understand.
- Are you all right, man? - I'm fine, man.
I'm fine.
Forgive and forget.
We would be honored to open for you guys.
- (cheering) - (rock music playing) I want you to show me If it's real, you feel it too It drives you crazy I want you to show me If it's real, you feel it too Show me - I want you to show me - Show me Oh, I want to know Show me.
Sucker! Okay.
Oh, damn it! You guys were awesome tonight, by the way.
It was so great when you came out with the guys.
Thanks for coming out.
We should do something in the future.
Seriously, we should talk about some sort of tour or something.
- I'd love it.
- Blow on my balls, baby.
- Sure.
- Hold on a moment.
Oh, my really? I'm tall enough to be your mother.
You should be ashamed of yourself, mini Paul.
Hey, Paulie.
Here we go again.
- Yes.
- Baby.
Hi, Beth.
How was the party today? It was great.
Thank you, Dina.
I'm glad.
I told you they were great, right? - Fantastic.
- The party is still happening.
I know, babe.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
- Can I have the keys, please? - Why? 'Cause they're are keys to our brand-new used van that's nice and fresh and smells good.
Unlike the crime scene that you guys were rolling around in last year.
I don't want that happening again.
I was gonna go for a drive later.
Believe me, you're gonna be very happy I did this.
- We can have nice things this way.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm so happy.
- Here you go, Sherlock.
All right? - Thank you, sir.
I'm going to take my crime scene over there.
- Please, by all means.
- Okay.
- Bye, Beth.
- Bye, Sherlock.
I have never heard anybody cover songs from "The Elder.
" - Ever.
- Can I - Sorry.
- What's up? Can I just talk to you for a second? Yeah yeah yeah.
Give me one moment.
A girl in a KISS cover band? It's so refreshing, I mean, you guys take this thing to a completely new level.
- Thanks.
- I just want to tell you how great you guys were tonight.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Listen, we're talking KISS.
Just so what made you so drawn to Ace Frehley? That's enough about KISS.
Are we gonna fuck or what? Frank: Hey, Joey.
- Frankie, what's up? - What's going on, baby.
You made it.
What did you think of the show? - I couldn't catch your show.
- Oh, you're kidding.
I had some business.
Yeah, I went to work.
I went to the sperm bank twice.
- Oh my God.
- What, no capicola? Nah.
We got sushi.
That's all we got.
You hungry? Yeah, you mind if I grab something? Yeah.
We got forks, little napkins.
- Oh yeah? - It's good.
It's pretty good.
- Plates right here.
- I brought my own plate.
Listen, this thing was really bad at this clinic.
'Cause you know, my name is Stallone, they were gonna pay me double.
Of course.
Of course.
So anything I owe and I didn't tell 'em I was fixed and then - Oh boy.
they got pissed off.
I missed the cup a few times.
So anyway, I'm gonna do this.
But I gotta call (mumbles) I gotta call the shelter and see what's up.
Everything all right? Oh, good.
Yeah, I'm good, man.
- No problem.
- All right, Frank.
- All right, babe.
- Anything you need, man.
Got it.
Thanks, man.
You thought anymore about it? - I'm thinking, I'm thinking.
- You wanna do it.
- Of course I wanna do it.
- You're gonna do it.
I can't believe I have to convince you.
I thought that was every man's fantasy.
No no no.
It is.
It is.
I'm gonna get another drink.
Okay.
It's just the kid thing is a - It'll be exciting.
- I know.
I know.
- This is - Yo.
- Yo.
Come here - What? Listen, I overheard what you were saying.
Check it out.
About 10 years ago I was in Soho hanging out.
You know Mia Farrow, right? Mia Farrow? The actress? She was all over me, bro.
All over me.
The first thing that came to my mind was the kids.
You know? I was just like, "No man, no.
This just ain't my deal.
" And let me tell you, man, to this fucking day I regret it.
So you're saying I should do it then? It's all about fucking, partying and getting laid.
You go over there and you do what you gotta do.
That's the KISS and the Mini KISS way.
- Fucking A, man.
- Hell yeah! Beth: Are you ready for me? Oh, I've been ready.
Here I come, ready or not.
Oh my God.
(laughs) You are in for the time of your life tonight.
- I've been a bad boy.
- I bet you have! - Hit me, baby, come on.
- Keep those hands up there.
Taking control? Oh! Yah! (laughing hysterically) Beg for it.
- Ask for it.
- I want it! I want it! - What do you want?! - I want it.
Let's do it.
Mary, come on out! Oh, Mary? That's my cousin.
Gross.
- Oh no.
- Oh yeah.
Paulie: Neil, that leopard print is very slimming, - but this ain't happening, bro.
- Neil: Aw.
Joey: What a night.
Did you close the deal with Ace? No way, dude.
- You know I'm a Gene Simmons guy.
- Oh my - Jesus! - Ah! What the fuck? It's Frank.
I told him he could stay here.
Oh man, sorry.
Oh, my back.
If you're this hard up, just reach out and ask for help, man.
I know some people.
We can get you into a shelter, get you in some programs.
There's no shame in being broke, you know what I mean? I'm not broke.
I'm a multi multi multimillionaire.
Wait a second.
Hold on.
Then what are you doing sleeping on our couch and stuff, stealing food last night? What's going on? What can I say? I like living rough.
- That's deep, man.
- Not as deep as this that's walking in, but it's pretty deep.
- (laughing) - What the hell? What the hell is this? - What happened? - Nothing happened.
Let's get that straight, okay? I just stared into the dark and morbid eyes of death itself and escaped by the skin of my teeth.
- That's all I'm gonna say.
- Wait.
What happened to the threesome? Nobody had a threesome last night.
Now that's how you christen a van.
(theme music playing) - One, two, three - Kids: Z Rock.