Absolutely Fabulous (1992) s02e04 Episode Script

# This wheel's on fire # Rolling down the road # Best notify my next of kin # This wheel shall explode # Why didn't you wake me, sweetie? Bettina and Max are coming, and I've got to clear the house.
Bubble's not there any more.
She's gone.
Someone offered her a junior post at "Marie Claire", so I accepted for her.
Let them pay her, darling, while we've got no work on.
So, sweet Sweet? Honey? - Mum? - Arghhh! What are you doing? What's the matter? Don't you ever do that again, darling.
Don't ever leave me on my own! I was upstairs.
What were you looking at? - Nothing, sweetie.
- Nothing? - You were checking the fly, weren't you? - I have to, darling.
It's been 10 years since you saw that film, and Jeff Goldblum is full-sized, wingless and living happily in LA.
I know that, but you'll be laughing on the other side of your face the day you squash something with a tiny human head against that window and it screams, "I'm a professor of physics! Take me back to my laboratory!" You'll wish you were a Buddhist then.
- What drugs were you taking last night? - Patsy had them, not me.
- What? - I said Patsy had them.
What are you looking at me for? Patsy had them.
Patsy had the Ecst Ecstasy, sweetie.
I just said, "No, no to drugs".
Something kept you going till 3 o'clock this morning.
- Just a little coke, sweetie.
- As you've got Bettina and Max coming, and I've got a lot of work to do, I thought I'd move into the hall of residence.
Oh! Oh! You're just going to leave me, are you? You're not gonna stay around and help me, darling? All right, then.
Just go! There's plenty of food in and the spare bedroom is clean.
Bugger, bugger, bugger.
Bollocks, darling! - What? - I was gonna totally refurnish the spare room.
You don't seem to realise that Bettina and Max are coming.
- So? - Bettina, the queen of minimalism! Look how I'm dressed today.
Minimalist, darling.
She's coming to London to this! She'll think this is what I think is great.
"Objet central," this, you, all this clutter, darling! - Tidy it up if you don't like it.
- I will.
Surfaces, darling.
Where are my surfaces? I just want clean lines and surfaces.
I don't want this.
I don't want things on places like that.
Things on places.
I don't want that! - Is this yours? - Yes.
Could it not be left around? Doesn't it have a home to go to? That could've been you talking.
What do you want? I've got enough trouble with surplus furniture without occasional old people scattered around.
Have you seen my "Take a Break"? I left it here last night.
- You left it for someone else to pick up.
- It's over there, Gran.
- Eat it, clear it, eat it, clear it.
- Stop it! Let me finish and then I'll help you.
Don't get into such a state! Who's that? Filling the house up Now, here we are.
"How to win a lifetime's supply of tough melamine stylish garden furniture.
" - You don't have a garden.
- They don't know that, dear.
- Morning, Eddie.
- Morning, darling.
No, no, no, no.
You're gonna have to go.
- Come on.
You have to go.
- But, dear, I've just Just close your sad rag and clear! Come on.
- Are we having lunch, Eds? - I'm too busy.
Close, close, close.
- Bettina and Max are coming to stay.
- Oh, Bettina! How is she? - You two used to get on so well.
- Did they? Oh, yes, and I encouraged it.
Far more suitable as a friend than poor sad old Patsy.
- She was such a neat girl.
- Neat? She was so anally retentive she couldn't sit down for fear of sucking up the furniture.
Hi.
This is great.
We like it.
We think it's the new millennium.
We're really comfortable here.
We feel it's progressive.
We bought you this.
I want to show you my jewellery collection.
I took inspiration from the new electrographic architecture.
Come and sit down.
- Max, have you seen it? It's in a white box.
- White box Patsy, you shouldn't have come! I should've sued.
I was cut to ribbons, I was scarred for life.
Extraordinary how it managed to hit you in exactly the same place behind each ear.
- Sweetie! - Go on, Eddie, go on.
You're going to tell this trail of cat sick that I was badly injured and not to question me.
No, I was going to say, "Sweetie, darling, "if you want to help Mama, go upstairs and clear surfaces.
Go on, darling.
" Take her with you.
Clear her, clear her.
Neat and neat and neat.
Well, you could go too, you know, darling.
No lunch, then, Eds? No, unless Bettina arrives early, in which case I'll have lunch with her.
Can I borrow the car? No, it's picking Bettina up from the airport.
God, oh, God.
- What's the matter? - I'm not happy.
- Well, take the car.
Just go, go.
- I don't want the car.
Just go and be unhappy somewhere else.
Go on! - Don't touch me! - Bugger off! Go on, bugger off! Saff! Saff! - Did you go to the spas last week? - In Florida, yes.
I did the fasting cure.
- Cure? Is it to cure your fasting? - It does that, but it was to lose weight.
- Oh, that sounds good.
Was it expensive? - How do you mean? - Well, does it cost a lot? - Oh.
£500.
- What do you get for that? - Absolutely nothing.
It's taken all bloody day to do a journey that takes a couple of hours.
How many bastards need to look at my ticket and then stare at a computer screen for hours? What is the point of asking whether I packed my bag myself? "Oh, no, I let some total bastard from the Middle East do it for me.
" - Where's Magda? - Er Is there a meeting or something? Because I'm not ready.
Nobody seems to realise how difficult my job is.
I mean, I've got the cover photo but I haven't fitted the words on yet.
Everybody seems to think that my job just happens! I just want to know if she wants lunch.
Is it my turn yet? Did you get to the castle on level three? - What's she doing there? - Mags nabbed her from Marie Claire.
- Does Eddie know you're here? - Ooooh! Where's Mags' diary? What's she doing for lunch.
She's got a meeting.
- Why haven't you written it in? - I'm not completely useless, you know.
It's all in here.
It's with someone called - It's gone.
- I'll wait for her.
- Should I get someone to look after you? - I work here.
Snap! I threw out the business-class crap over the Pyrenees.
Managed to nick this off a kid in Economy on my way back from the toilet.
- Where have you been? - Spain.
Off the beaten track in Andalucia.
Forgotten Catalonia, my own secret Mallorca.
More like my own secret arsehole.
Shitty bit of coastline, ruined by patronising English gits.
"Oh, you must come over and share a rather fine local Rioja.
" Oh, piss off, you sad twat! Oh, dear.
Mr Dictionary seems to have deserted us again.
Bettina and Max! Clear, clear, clear! - I'll just say hello and then go.
- No, you must get in here.
Flat against the wall, hold your bag close and when they come, you go.
- Hi! - Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Max, bring me the other cloth.
- Where is it? Blue bag, not the terry one.
The one that was near the bottle warmer by the playpen.
The bag that fits the buggy or the backpack? No, the one that's by the mat near the music centre.
Same material as the sling.
- You used it on the plane.
- No, I didn't.
Max, we only had those four bags and the Moses basket on the plane.
- Is he awake? He's moving.
- What? - You can see his face.
What's he doing? - He's just moving.
- Do you want to put that down, darling? - He won't go down now.
Max can take him in a minute.
- We could just put him down - No, he won't go down now.
- Just let me take him.
- Yes, thank you.
That would be nice! I've had him since Heathrow and I shouldn't have to be on my last legs before you offer! - Right.
- Right hand.
- Bottom and head.
- I've got him.
Yes! - Do you want a drink, sweetie? - Yes, I need a drink.
- I'll crack open some Bolly.
- That's a good idea.
- What? I'm not intending to get drunk.
- That, of course, is up to you.
How are you going to feel if you drop him and you know you had that drink? Jocasta says to keep him awake.
Then he might sleep through the night.
Oh, Doctor bloody Spockasta! What a good idea.
Listen, you old tart! Can we not think of a nicer way of putting this? How about, "We grazed on canapés, feasted on roasted suckling pig and juicy carciofi, "beneath a bewildering array of stars, beside a pool brimming with azure blue"? You can't put, "We all sat around and ate free foreign crap, then vomited.
" - I'm a journalist.
- Fair enough.
Honey, darling, could you get that? Get that, honey, I can't Somebody get it! Damn! Yes? Yes, all right, I'll tell her.
Mags is out for lunch! - All right.
- Oh, damn.
Aww! - What you gonna do? - Don't question me.
I'll ring an old friend.
An old friend? Old? Meeting an OLD friend? Shut up.
I'm meeting a very, very, very dear, dear, dear, dear old friend.
Don't forget your zimmer frame.
It was Caesarean in the end because of complications.
Yeah.
Nothing to do with my age.
Of course, I felt butchered for a couple of months, but I lost the weight almost immediately, which doesn't happen if you have them younger.
You've never lost it, have you? You seem to get away with it, despite your criminal dress sense.
- Where can I put these? - Chuck them on the floor.
Yeah.
You know, we tried to be green, but it's just not humanly possible.
Is it on.
? Can you hear me.
? - If you speak loudly, you'll wake him.
- He's in the sitting room.
I'll check that one now.
- Do you see anything of that old alcoholic? - Patsy? Off and on, you know, darling.
OK, this is the Shit! Shit! He should just bring him down, he won't go back now.
Just bring him down! Bring him down now! Sit! Sit! Leave it! - SMA! SMA! - Yes! Kettle, kettle! Spoon! Knife, knife! Bottle, bottle, bottle top! Teat! I'm gonna have lunch with Patsy! See you later, darling.
Knife.
Kettle, kettle! Where's the kettle? His eyes are open! Quickly, where are they? We had them on the plane.
- Say the words as well.
- Yes, yes.
Mummy! Mummy! Yes! Mum-my.
Very, very tired Mummy! I was working.
I don't know why I did that, I was over here working.
You don't understand, I was - Are you still here? - Just.
- Have you seen Pats? - Yeah.
Huh, she's not here.
- Where is she? - She's - At lunch.
- That's right.
With a very old, old, old, old, old, old, old, old, old, old friend.
Damn.
You go back to the office now, you've got some work on.
- I can't.
I've been headshrunk.
- Hunted! Headhunted! Headhunted by Vogue.
Is that a magazine or something? It's a magazine.
Vogue Headhunted as what? Editor.
So there.
Damn.
- Oh, Zandra! Hi, it's Patsy, Patsy Stone.
- Hi.
Yes, I will join you.
Thank you, darling.
Oh, Zandra.
Hello, darling.
- You know Britt? - Oh, hi, Britt.
It's Patsy.
- Patsy? - Stone.
Patsy, Patsy Stone.
Stone, Patsy.
Patsy Stone.
Oh, Patsy! Oh, Brit! Brit Bri Br B Pats! Pat Pa P - What would you like to drink? - A bottle of red, please.
- No, thank you.
I don't drink.
- Some water, please.
Just one will do, then.
Yah.
Yah.
Oh, look.
It's little Lulu.
Hi, Lu! Lulu, Lulu, hello! I'm not meeting you, am I? Edina.
We've met before.
I know, but I'm not having lunch with you.
I'd rather sit on my own.
- No, you wouldn't.
No, you wouldn't.
- Let go of my jacket.
- I need to talk to you.
- Not about those benefits or awful parties? - I've not forgiven you for the Albert Hall fiasco.
- Sorry about that.
I'm sure it said on the invitation that it'd be lovely if you got up and did a few numbers.
- There wasn't even a band.
- It was for charity.
What do you want? - It's a - I'm off.
I may well have a gun in my bag.
I will shoot you and then try very hard to turn it on myself if you leave.
I will pay for the meal.
And for the champagne.
And a substantial donation to the charity of your choice, all right? Three courses and a pudding, and don't talk to me.
Don't smoke.
- I'm starving.
- Lulu What would you like, Lulu? - I'd like one of those.
And two of those.
- Yes, Lulu.
- And I'll have three of these - Steady on, sweetie.
Champagne for Lulu! Fantastic, isn't it? Like a reunion.
- Where did you two first meet? - It was in a make-up shop in Carnaby Street.
Lady Jane's! That was the first time.
Remember, I was having my tits painted? - As what? - To look like tits.
It was fantastic.
And then we two used to work together all the time.
- I think we did a session.
- You wanted my body and your clothes.
We just worked and worked I need that dress out at the sides.
What is she doing? Come on, pull yourself together! Oh, no, it's just Oh, no! I only took her because she's your friend.
I just felt sorry for her.
I hardly know her.
- I'll come and see you.
- Bye, sweetie.
Bye, Zandra.
Bye, sweetie! The Sixties.
Those were the days, eh, Britt? The Portobello Road - The King's Road.
- The Carnaby Road, Biba, Quant.
- Vidal.
- Tuffin and Foal, the Shrimp.
- The Twig.
- The Stones, the Beatles, the Marquee.
- The Small Faces.
- Terry and Julie.
- Peter and Gordon.
- Jack and Michael.
- John.
- Mary.
I don't know you at all, do I? No - The bill, please! - Ah, that was delicious, thanks.
Now she talks, now she talks.
I was gonna say, I really enjoyed your last single, "Independence".
- I've had two since then.
- Have you? I didn't know about that.
Ridiculous, I thought you'd just gone quiet.
You know what you need? You need a really good publicity machine.
Who does your PR? You do.
Britt, how are you doing? Good to see you! I just had a great lunch Lulu? Lulu, Lulu! Bye, Britt! Bye, sweetie, ciao! - Hello, darling.
- I came because you said it was an emergency.
It is an emergency, darling! Look at this place.
Look at this, look.
Lacroix, baby's puke.
Lacroix, baby's puke.
It is an emergency! - They've got to go! - I thought she was your friend.
She is my friend, but now it's "The baby this, the baby that", darling.
Nobody's paid enough attention to you.
Have you tried talking to her? Helping her? Help Helping her? Helping her! Where's the fun in that, darling? Look at this! Where have all my surfaces gone, darling? It's like living in a small regional branch of Mother-bloody-Care.
They've gotta go so I can return to some degree of normality.
- Whatever that is.
- It's not this no-fun bloody baby world.
I've managed to help poor Bettina a little with the baby.
She made so much fuss, I thought it wise to call the doctor.
The baby was making some very strange noises.
- Is everything all right? - He might be going down with a cold.
The doctor is not sure, but, anyway He's gone to sleep in our bed, so Max can take the sofa tonight and I'll take the travel cot.
- Are you all right? - Oh, yes.
I'm so sorry I fainted.
I was never very good with nappies of the brown variety.
Well, I think I'll I think I'll turn in.
Go on, then.
I don't know how you can, but go on.
- He's asleep now, the baby thing? - Yeah.
- You should get some sleep while he is.
- This is the only time I have for myself! She's lovely, isn't she? You can amuse her, I'm going to bed.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- Has he got any teeth yet? - Oh, Jesus! You can talk to me about other things.
I'm not a complete vegetable! - Sorry if I seem snappy - It's all right.
Having a baby can make one very depressed.
I know.
You've got a lovely baby and Max.
He's obviously very fond of you.
- And he's very good-looking.
- Really? - You really think so? - Oh, yes.
You're just tense.
You need to unwind and relax.
I know you're right.
I don't know how he puts up with me, actually.
What if someone comes.
? I don't care if the witch catches us.
Slow down, Max.
I can't.
It's so long since I did it.
Is that it, darling.
? Is that Radio 4, dear? I had to, darling.
They had to go.
Hi, sweetie.