After Life (2019) s02e04 Episode Script

All right? Yeah.
You? Yeah.
Do you want some toa Oh.
- So? - What? Ask me about the date! Oh, right.
Good? - Yeah.
He's, uh He's funny, isn't he? - Definitely.
Sort of rough and rugged? Like he lives under a bridge.
- All right? - Yeah.
Is Roxy in there? - Yeah, why? - Well, I've just popped round to see her.
Surely you've popped round to deliver my mail? You haven't got any mail.
Can I come in, then? It's like a zombie movie.
You're always just outside the house trying to get in.
Don't be antisocial.
- Can I have that last bit of toast? - Yeah.
Ah.
Cheers, babe.
- Do you want something on it? - No, you're all right.
- Got any peanut butter? - No.
- Don't worry about it, honestly.
- Sure? I'll pop out and - Honestly, don't worry.
- All right, good.
Oh! I didn't tell you, did I? Sue Fyers at work got fired.
What for? Flashing.
Front or back? Dunno, but the union's involved.
I'm staying out of it.
- Right, I've got to go.
- All right.
See you later, mate.
Get out! - Eh? - What is it? A woman suing a doctor for a botched surgery.
- Right.
- Someone blows hot and cold, don't they? Could've done with an egg, but forget about it.
What happened to you last night? You bailed early.
Yeah, sorry.
Um What time did you get home? Uh About ten.
I got in at four.
Completely smashed.
Covered in kebab and fanny juice.
Don't ask me how.
I wasn't gonna.
Did too much chang, so I was lying in bed doing the luge till the alarm went off, then, boom, shower! Coffee.
Suit straight down the dry cleaners.
Work.
I got home and I cried a little bit.
Dry cleaners are used to it.
I've shat myself twice.
Right.
Um Just, sorry, to go back to me.
I, um I think that I was crying because I don't want to give up on her, you know, I don't want to give up on us.
And all I want to do is just talk to her and beg her to let us go back to how it was.
- Matt - But I don't want to stifle her.
I don't - Women don't want this.
- Yeah.
OK? It's pathetic.
Begging.
How is that good for a family? Females choose mates based on their strength.
OK? On their power.
Their capabilities to provide and keep them safe.
We're descended from fucking cavemen, Matt.
We go out, we kill a saber-toothed tiger, we bring it back, we share it out, and then we give the fittest bird a good fucking seeing to.
That's where we're from.
Yeah, I just don't think that's really me.
No, it's not.
Being you will not win her back.
It's as simple as that.
- You've tried that, didn't work.
- Yeah.
No.
She thinks you're a loser.
Solution? Be something fucking better! Be something fucking stronger.
- Yeah? - Mm.
Lie.
Cheat.
Just be a man.
But not you.
When did you start having all this done? 'Bout five years ago.
Started on, like, botox and, like, filler for wrinkles an' that.
How old were you? Early 20s.
What wrinkles did you have? Dunno, like, frown lines an' that.
- Right.
- Yeah, then I proper got into it.
I just couldn't get enough.
And then I got my lips done, and I had a bit of a reaction.
But that settled down in the end.
And then I wanted to go bigger, then this happened.
My whole face was paralyzed.
It's only just gone back to normal.
- Has it? - Yeah.
My boobs leak.
They're fake an' all.
- Are they? - Yeah.
I mean, rock hard.
Right.
Yeah.
Sorry, and that was the same guy that did your face? Yeah.
I was furious.
- Still am.
- Are you? It's hard to tell.
If you think he botched my face and chest, you should see my minge.
It's like a butcher's bin.
Sorry, you went back to him to have your - Minge.
- Yeah, I know.
I didn't want to say the Yeah, he did it for half price, though.
'Cause of how he'd ruined my face.
Right.
Why would you want to have that done? I think I've got a problem.
Yeah.
I mean, it might be like an addiction.
- What, do you mean, like, I can't help it? - Well, I guess so, but I mean, if you acknowledge it, there's a chance you can get you know, get help.
- Do you think I'm mental? - Well No more than the rest of us.
As I say, we're all screwed up in one way or another.
It sort of makes you normal.
- Are you laughing? - No.
Crying? - Oh.
- Oh Um No, they've fucked my tear ducts.
- Take a picture.
- Yeah.
- Got it? - Yeah.
Great.
- Hiya.
- Hey.
Are you going to that am-dram cabaret thing? I dunno.
Why? Well wondered if you'd like to come with me? - What do you mean? You mean you're going? - Yeah.
Thought we could have a drink before and sit together.
Right.
I'm not sure if I'm going.
Right.
Well, would you like to go with me? Well, with everyone, really.
Everyone's going.
We'd all be there.
Yeah, but I'm saying would you like to sit with me? But I don't know if I'm going.
And we don't know - what seats will be free.
- If you don't want - to go with me, just say.
- No, it's not that.
- I haven't even checked my diary.
- Well, go on, then.
- What? - Well, check it.
It's right there.
Oh, no.
It's hardly on the right page, is it? - There's nothing in there at the moment.
- Yeah.
Right.
Well, I'll, uh pencil that in, then.
Um, I will have to check my master diary as well.
- You've got a master diary? - Yeah.
I've got work here, and then personal at home, so I tend to mix and match, actually, so Tony? Can I just Sorry, Kath, I've got Tony, we've got our, um meeting.
Um Shut the door.
Kath just asked me to sit next to her at the cabaret thing.
Great.
- I need to get out of it.
- Why? - Please help me get out of it.
Please.
- How? Say you're thinking of killing yourself again.
Say I'm thinking of killing myself next Thursday? Well, I'll tell her, then.
You'll tell her you can't go with her 'cause I'm thinking of killing myself? I'm not saying I'm thinking of killing myself 'cause you're too chicken to say you don't want to go on a date.
For fuck's sake, it's just a favor.
And do you know the fable, The Boy Who Cried Wolf? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Right.
So, what happens when I really am thinking of killing myself, and everyone goes, "Nah, he's just trying to get his cowardly brother-in-law out of a date"? Well, no, that's different in that case, isn't it? 'Cause he admitted it.
He was like, "Nah, only joking.
" So they all knew he was lying.
And he kept doing it, so it was obvious.
We'll only use this lie once, and we'll never admit to it.
So, the moral of that fable is: "Never admit you were lying, - ever" - Yeah.
"and always use different lies each time"? Yeah.
Nice message.
- No.
- Come on.
No.
- Fuck's sake.
- You're on your own.
There we go, Dad.
Good.
There.
You're all right.
- Hi.
- Hiya.
Tony, I'm not going to sit around and wait for you to make a move, I have to get on with my life.
- Why are you acting weird? - I'm acting weird? For fuck's sake, Tony! I'm just a bit fed up, all right? - My wife died.
My dad - Yes, I know.
Oh, sorry if that bores you.
Seriously? Fucking hell.
Was it just a drink? Fuck's sake.
It's just a question.
Was it just a drink? Yes, it was just a drink! OK.
Good.
But it might not always be just a drink, though.
Dad, say, "Simon is a cunt.
" What? "Simon is a cunt.
" Say it.
- Yeah.
- "Simon is a cunt.
" Remember that.
Right.
All right? - Is it OK? Not too hot? - No, it's good.
Yeah.
Manage another one? You'll feel so much better if you eat this.
That's it.
That's better, eh? OK? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Hi.
- Hi.
- I've brought you a few jumpers.
- It's getting a bit chillier outside.
- Great.
Thanks.
I mean, yeah, can never have too many jumpers.
Um I was gonna call you, actually.
Um, you know the cabaret thing - that they're doing? - Yeah.
I wondered if you wanted to come.
I'd have to sort a babysitter.
No, you can bring George.
It's for everyone.
Oh I'm not sure.
Yeah.
Um You'd be doing me a favor, actually.
- Kath's asked me to go with her.
- Why? I think she's got a thing for me.
Well, tell her you can't 'cause you're going with your wife and child.
Right.
Yeah.
- Uh - I mean, it's nice of her, though, really, 'cause she probably thought you were lonely.
- Probably.
- Yeah.
I was thinking of coming, I just didn't know whether George would be allowed.
- He is, yeah.
- That's good, yeah.
- OK, well I'd better go.
- Yeah.
- Thanks for the - Um, but I'll see you later.
- Hi.
You all right? Yeah, good.
- You all right? All right? - Um Kath, about the, um, cabaret thing.
- Yeah? I'm gonna go with Jill and George.
Yeah, fine.
Brilliant.
Great.
- I'm killing myself that night! - Don't What? Oh.
Nothing, it was a Weird! Do you want a coffee? Why? Why? Dunno, 'cause it tastes nice? Come on, let's go for a nice coffee, and talk about really interesting things like advertising.
- Yeah? - Yeah, all right.
- There you go.
- Thanks.
Did I embarrass myself with Matt, then? Definitely not.
Why would you be embarrassed about being honest and saying something nice? He should be flattered.
I think he was scared! I'm obviously not his type.
Someone just got there first.
But, um you didn't do anything wrong.
You showed your feelings.
That's good.
I wish I'd shown my feelings more.
With Lisa.
Um I Sometimes, I'd be embarrassed to hold hands in public.
Or if we were on the phone and there was people around, she'd always say, "Bye.
Love you.
" And I would go, "Me too.
" And she'd laugh, 'cause she'd know.
Yeah.
Sometimes, I was out, working late.
The phone would go, and I'd think, "Oh, God, what's happened?" And I'd go, "Hello?" I'd go, "What's wrong?" And, um she'd say, "Nothing's wrong, I just love you.
" So And one day, you'll meet someone, and it'll be Life will be brilliant.
So, uh Nothing to feel sad about.
Not yet.
I'm going to walk for OK.
- Thanks for the coffee.
- Sure.
Oh, and thanks for telling me that thing about your wife calling you.
It was lovely.
- See you later.
- See you later.
Bad day, I'm afraid.
The last thing you should do is drink alone.
Mm Nice.
Lisa was my greatest achievement.
I've never done anything else, really.
Not of worth.
Nothing else to be proud of.
Just that.
I won at life.
You did.
I'm not as good as her, and I'm proud of that.
You're just different.
I'm angry.
I'm petty.
I'm sad.
I'm jealous of anyone who's still got someone.
How did you get Lisa if you were so bad? I'm not sure.
I was just nice to her, I think.
You should try that again.
I miss her so much.
I feel sad all the time.
I'm not the person I was.
Lisa dying, I just It's like I lost most of me, and all the good stuff, all the happiness any joy in anything I feel like I'm nothing, you know? That's not true.
People think that I'm sort of OK, you know, like I'm getting on with it, I'm snarky now and again, and that this is a lapse, but it's not.
This is me all the time now.
Everything else is the front, you know? I'm not well, but I remember what it was like to be normal, so I do an impression of that.
But this is what I really am.
And I want to be normal again but I'm weak, you know? When Lisa was dying, I tried to be brave and put a you know, a face on, to be positive, and even then, I'd break down sometimes, and she'd have to comfort me.
I couldn't even give her that.
When she was dying, she was still on duty.
Looking after me.
She'd have loved that.
I don't know.
I do.
'Cause I'm a woman too.
And it's better to be needed.
Be strong.
Everybody's struggling.
It's not always their fault.
There's a porter here with a bit of a BO problem.
I'm quite glad you haven't bumped into him, to be honest.
He stinks.
And do you know why? 'Cause he's working twice as hard as everyone else.
He's always running around doing stuff for other people.
He's got no idea.
And I was going to say something, but do you know what came out? "Thank you for working so hard.
" And he nearly cried.
Just tell people you appreciate 'em now and then, yeah? - Hi, sorry.
Um - Oh, hello.
- Can I? Um - Yeah.
- Is it Tony? - Yeah.
Hi.
Um Has anyone asked you not to close the paper and sell the building? No.
Right.
Um Please don't.
A lot of people rely on it.
And, um I mean, how much will you make from selling it? Half a million.
Right Yeah.
That's a lot.
Mm.
What will you do with that? New car, maybe.
Ah I dunno, um Potter around a bit.
No, it's just that, you know, if, um if I don't cash in my chips soon, you know, none of my I might kick the bucket, then it'd be too late.
I mean, it's not as if I need anything as such, it's, uh Although I wouldn't say no to the company of a nice lady.
That's all that matters.
I had the best marriage imaginable.
Magical.
Uh So, when, um, Lisa, my wife, when she died, I was suicidal, and depressed.
And everyone was so nice, everyone tried to help me and they sort of saved me, so I wanted to do something nice back.
But, um, anyway, you're a nice guy, and I just want you to know, you know, the whole story, and, uh I mean, if you weren't to sell it, um, we could you know, give it another go.
If it didn't work out, you could sell it next year.
It might work, and we could do with someone who cared about success, 'cause we are the biggest bunch of losers you will ever meet.
But it's a it's a good bunch.
It might be nice to have a challenge again.
Cheers.
OK.
Isn't it rich? Aren't we a pair? You're not doing the lyrics right.
Start it again.
- Come on.
- OK.
All right.
Don't think about it, do it.
Sing it like it means something.
Isn't it rich? Start again so I can hear it! - Isn't it rich? - Isn't it rich! - Are - Aren't we a pair? - No, again.
"Isn't it rich?" - Ken, I can't do it, all right? Who's gonna be a superstar in a year if he listens to his director? - But I can't breathe, Ken.
- You.
Do it again.
- I could just dance.
- Sing and dance.
- What are you trying to say? - Can I do the dance on its own? - If I did it with just the dance.
- He doesn't work well under pressure.
Ken, stop shouting at him! - I'm so sorry you had to see that.
- It's OK.
I don't normally lose it like that.
I just I'm trying to create the best scenario.
You can do it without the words.
- Thanks, Ken.
- Just the dance.
- Is that what you want to do? - Yeah.
If that makes you happy, even if it's shit, and it will be, I want you to be happy, all right? - Thanks, Ken.
- This is why we do it.
It's all right.
Hey, have I told you about my sister's anus yet? - Uh I don't think so.
- Right, listen up.
Silly cow is only having it bleached.
Bleached! That's a thing now, bleaching your anus.
- Right.
- I said, "For the love of God, why are you doing that?" She said, "So it looks nice.
" I said, "Fuck me, who's gonna see that?" More people are going to see mine, and mine's like a fucking compost heap.
I think we should probably just watch.
- What were you talking about? - I was telling her about my sister's anus.
I'm fascinated with the anus.
Always have been, always will be.
The man who is tired of the anus is tired of life.
- You can quote me on that.
- OK, thanks.
How's your material going? Gonna keep it loose.
I'm sort of like a performance artist, so I can't be constrained in the normal way.
Well, you've got ten minutes, so you better keep it that tight.
Ten minutes? I can't do everything in ten minutes.
Oh, fuck this! Sort it out between you.
I'm off for a vape.
If you want me, I'll be in the disableds.
You all right? - Yeah.
- How's it going? Just got a great scoop on Ken Otley's sister's anus.
It's bleached.
Good.
Well you might have to cover these sort of stories for a little while longer, 'cause Paul's agreed not to close the paper.
- Really? - Yeah.
Oh, thank you! Don't cry.
You work so hard.
You're great.
- Thanks.
- All right.
Aww! Look at her! Brandy! What's this? - She looks like a cartoon mouse.
- What is this? I don't Get your dildo, Brand.
Get your dildo! Good girl! Brandy, say, "Sausages!" Once we were lovers Can they understand? Closer than others, I was your I was your man Don't talk of heartaches Oh, I remember them all When I'm checking you out One day