All In The Family s02e04 Episode Script

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played songs that made the hit parade guys like us we had it made [ together .]
those were the days and you knew where you were then [ Archie .]
girls were girls and men were men [ Archie, Edith .]
mister, we could use a man like Herbert hoover again [ Archie .]
didn't need no welfare state [ Edith .]
everybody pulled his weight [ Archie, Edith .]
gee, our old lasalle ran great those were the days okay, what do ya got, Gloria? A pair of kings.
Small straight to the seven.
What do ya got, ma? Well, it's not very good.
It was real good when I started out.
See, nine, nine, nine.
But the two you gave me spoiled it all-- two queens.
It's a full house.
You won the game.
You won.
Really? Oh, my.
Oh.
I better look at the stew.
Your father will be here any minute.
We each owe a dime to the pot.
Okay, that's 10-- Ma, we got it! That's makes a total of $30 in the family pot.
- That means you can do it.
- Do? Do what? Don't you remember that mom wrote a song a couple months ago? - A song? - You remember.
Everyone is someone if you love them yeah, I remember.
Why don't you read him that letter you got from the wish upon a star song company.
Oh, yeah, here it is.
"Dear Mrs.
bunker-- "your poem, or as we say in the business, "your lyric-- [ Chuckles .]
"Has been accepted by our panel of experts.
"As soon as we receive your check for $30 handling fee, "your poem will be set to music "By one of the many top composers on our staff And on its way to super stardom.
" - Isn't it terrific? - Edith! Gloria, get the stew on.
Oh, hello, Archie.
How are you? Hello.
Hello.
How was your day? It was a laugh riot.
One jolly moment after the other.
That's why you see me standing here like the bluebird of happiness.
What's the matter, arch? I've never seen you so upset.
Oh, you never read the papers, huh? Don't you know what's goin' on? In here it says 19 robberies reported in queens district.
Two of them right around here.
Yesterday Ryan's gas station a couple of blocks away.
And today I'm passing old lady crimski's bakery on the way to the subway this morning.
What do you think I saw? What they didn't do to her.
First of all they robbed 180 bucks right out of her stocking.
Then just for spite, they ruin the joint.
Cheesecake splashed all over the walls.
Bagels rolling out to the sidewalk.
I'm telling you, we're livin' in a jungle, that's what-- a jungle.
- But you know what I got? - Malaria.
Funny, funny, funny.
The whole world is fallin' apart and the meathead here is makin' jokes.
Well, I'm takin' some action beginning with this little surprise right here.
You got a surprise, Archie? We got a surprise too.
Save it, will ya.
Why don't you tell us your surprise first? I think I will, Edith.
See this here? It looks like a regular little tape recorder, don't it? - But you know what that is? - A save your home alarm system.
How'd you know that? It says it right there on the label-- save your home alarm system.
Well, labels don't tell you nothin'.
I'll tell you what this is.
This is a save your home alarm system.
Now, you hook this up all over.
And if any burglar tries to get in any door or a window, wait till you hear what happens.
[ Dog barking ferociously on tape .]
What are you laughin' at? This is a serious thing here.
[ Barking continues .]
Huh? Ah, what do you think of that? Sounds like a sweet old dog to me.
What are you talkin' about, Edith? This thing is proved.
This thing gives you all the protection of a real killer dog.
Now, come on.
Let's eat, huh? Well, dinner's ready.
Come on, everybody.
Archie, how much did you pay for that thing? Five dollars down to begin, and $5 a week to a total of 40 bucks.
It's the cheapest home insurance anywheres around.
Forty bucks? Gee, it sounds like law and order's big business.
Pass the salt, please? Daddy, can mom tell you about her surprise now? Certainly.
It's a free country, ain't it? Oh, I don't-- go on.
Tell him, ma.
Well, Archie, Gloria and me saw this ad in a movie magazine.
It said, "wanted, your poems.
Top composers will set to music.
" So I wrote a poem and we sent it in.
And guess what.
They loved it.
Pass the salt.
He wasn't a bit surprised.
Why should I be surprised, Edith? I always knew you was a great "poetress," ever since that time I was sick and you sent me the get-well card.
I'll never forget it.
"Get well quickly.
Oh, please do.
'Cause I'm cryin', boo-hoo-hoo.
" So why should I be surprised that them crooks loved your poem? Don't call 'em crooks, daddy.
They loved mom's poem and they wanna set it to music.
Oh, sure.
How much they wanna hit you up for, Edith? Only $30 for handling fees.
Oh, please, Edith, don't you see? This thing is a con.
These guys open an office in a different state every month to keep one jump ahead of the cops.
Some of them go around in mobile homes.
Besides, where you gonna get the 30 bucks to begin with? The family pot.
As of today, there's $30 in it.
Oh, the family pot.
Listen, the answer to that is no.
Now that's for special occasions, for emergencies.
I ain't gonna let no shyster music company get their hand into my pot.
Our pot, daddy.
Same thing, same thing.
Archie.
Archie, wait a second.
Can I talk to you? Man to man.
I once had a date with this girl named Arlene.
Yeah? I once shared an ice cream with a midget.
So what? Archie, I'm serious.
This girl Arlene had me over for dinner and she cooked me this leg of lamb.
Now, I can't stand leg of lamb, but it was important to this girl that I like her cooking.
So I forced it down.
It was a small thing, but it made her happy.
You see what I'm trying to say? You want me to tell Edith not to serve leg of lamb.
That ain't it? No! Well, what the hell is it then? Archie, there are times in your life when you shouldn't rain on someone else's parade.
Geez, you sound like a regular Billy sol Graham there.
Archie-- the money from the family pot should be used-- cut it.
Don't try to soft-soap me.
Now, you ain't talkin' me into lettin' them blow the family pot For no phony music company.
Archie.
Just a minute.
Come here.
I wanna show you something.
What is it? I didn't say nothin' about this when the women was here.
I didn't want them getting excited about anything.
Now take a look at this.
A gun! Shh! Shut up! Will you keep quiet.
I don't want them to hear! This ain't just a gun.
This is a luger.
World war ii.
That's a terrific German weapon.
Willie mears is gonna sell me this for 20 bucks.
Between this and the dog we'll be protected.
You're gonna buy a gun? Shh! Archie, I can understand that dumb taped dog.
It can't hurt anybody.
But a gun! Will you dummy up, huh! I don't want them to get all upset in there.
Ma! What are you doin'? What are you doin'? Gloria, come in here.
- What is it? - Go on back out to the kitchen.
It's nothin'.
Archie wants to buy a gun.
What a fink! That's right.
That's right.
A gun? Oh, my goodness! A gun? Where? Right over here.
Get out of my pocket there! That's the reason he doesn't wanna give you the money.
He wants it to buy a gun.
- Archie! - Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What is wrong with that? I am interested in the protection of my home-- the defense of my family.
Oh! Oh, that's terrific.
Yeah.
You're gonna buy a taped dog and a gun.
That's $60 for defense Against only $30 for the song.
[ Archie .]
Right.
Archie, when it's a question of the destructive man versus the creative man, the creative man always gets the shaft.
The shaft? Is that anything like the Oscar? Daddy, are you really gonna buy a gun? I'm doin' it for youse.
[ All chattering at once .]
Wait a minute, everybody.
Quiet down 'cause I'm gonna tell you something.
The discussion is over.
No! Not according to the rules of the family pot.
The use of the family pot shall be determined in a Democratic way By a majority vote of the members of this family and assigned by all of us.
I don't care what that says.
I'm gonna buy that gun.
When it comes to defense, democracy's gonna have to wait.
You're impossible, daddy.
But you signed the rules too, and they say we should vote.
All right, go ahead then and vote away your property.
Vote away your homes, your valuables, perhaps your very lives.
All those in favor of using the money from the family pot for the song, say aye.
Aye.
All those opposed, say nay.
- I ain't gonna vote.
- Then the ayes have it.
The money goes for the song.
That's right.
And you gotta give back the gun.
Come on, now.
Come on.
Get away from me! It makes me so happy.
Get away from me, all of youse.
Come on, daddy.
You won't regret it when the song becomes a big hit.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Let me tell you somethin'.
When the first burglar breaks into this house And youse all turn to me and holler, "do something!" You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna turn right around back and say, "sing, Edith.
" [ Windowsill creaking .]
[ Taped dog barking .]
Here, doggy.
[ Barking continues .]
Here, doggy.
Where you at, doggy? Here, poochy.
[ Whistles .]
Here, little pooch.
Come on to papa, doggy.
Here, little pooch.
Here he is, Horace.
[ Barking stops .]
Bye-bye, doggy.
Another electric dog, man.
Somebody must be makin' a whole lot of money off these white folks with these things.
Be funny if the cat was black.
The fuzz is still buzzing, man.
We're gonna have to hang out here for a little while.
Whoo! Would you look at this dump? Yeah, man, how can they live like this? The paint's peelin', the furniture's fallin' all apart, but they all got that fancy color tv sittin' right in the middle of it.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Well, man, you know they've got to have somethin' To keep their mind off of their misery.
You know, everybody can't be as affluent as we is.
[ Sniffs .]
What's the matter? Ain't that somethin'? What? Take a sniff.
[ Sniffs .]
Yeah? White people's homes all got that funny smell.
[ Ringing .]
You wasn't expectin' no call, was you? No, man.
I didn't even know I had a phone.
Lookit here.
You check out the kitchen and I'll check out the phone, all right? Hello? Who? Mr.
bunker? Oh, I'm sorry.
Mr.
bunker's indisposed at the moment.
Oh, this is the family physician.
Dr.
black.
Oh, nothing serious.
He'll be just fine.
Uh-huh.
What was that? Oh.
Mrs.
bunker, did you hear that? Your neighbor Mr.
mcnab just called and said that two fellas just robbed-- what was that, Mr.
mcnab? Oh.
Two jigaboos Just robbed Morgan's jewelry store And they're hiding somewhere in the neighborhood.
Yes, I'll tell him.
Good-bye.
Hey, what you got there, man? Electric appliances.
Man, what these white folks won't waste their money on.
[ Man chattering .]
Let's go out the back door.
No, no, cops.
Up the stairs.
Come on.
[ Archie .]
Hold it, Edith.
Don't open the door.
[ Edith .]
Why not? First I gotta turn off the dog alarm.
Oh.
Go ahead.
I wanna tell you something.
That was one of the funniest moving pictures I ever seen.
I can't believe it.
He finally liked a movie we recommended.
Well, certainly I liked it.
It wasn't one of them nowaday ones with everybody jumpin' into bed three and four at a clip.
This wasn't a dirty picture.
It was a funny picture.
Buster keaton, one of the funniest guys ever.
I nearly-- you remember when he took the brass spittoon, he put it down over that guy's head? Now that's funny enough, but when he reaches for that ball bat And goes bongo, bongo, bongo, I thought I wet my drawers.
You Mr.
bunker? Bunker, yeah.
Well, your neighbor Mr.
mcnab-- mcnab? Yeah.
Mcnab called to tell you that two jigaboos just robbed Morgan's jewelry store and they hidin' in the neighborhood.
Hi.
How are ya? And in the house that they's hidin' in They just picked up a few odds and ends Just to keep from being shiftless.
- You got any questions? - No, I got no questions.
I got a question.
Will you stifle yourself! I was wondering what happened to my husband's killer dog.
Oh, the dog.
You know, I'm afraid we had to put the dog to sleep.
You ain't mad at us? No, no, no.
Look out with that gun there.
Man, I wouldn't shoot you with your own gun.
Daddy, you promised you wouldn't buy that gun.
You said you were gonna give it back.
I didn't have no chance to give it back to Willie.
Anyway, I hope youse all understand now the meaning of havin' a gun in the house.
I understand.
If the gun wasn't here, they wouldn't have it.
Now-- now that makes sense.
Yeah, you're a smart lady.
Look, fellas, a man-to-man talk here.
Could we make a deal? I mean, like you guys take your stolen property And you just go and we don't give you no trouble.
Oh, ain't that nice? Now, he wouldn't want us to go out there 'Cause he knows the whole neighborhood is crawlin' with the cops, would he? No.
No.
No.
Oh, man, you know what? She's something else.
You're telling me.
Well, now, y'all take it easy.
Until the cops quit their crawlin', we gonna be y'all's houseguests.
So the best thing for all of us to do is just relax And make the best of it.
Great.
My name is Mike stivic and this is my wife Gloria and these are my in-laws-- what are you doin'? This ain't no church social.
Sit down there.
We gonna make you the monitor.
Yeah, okay.
These guys don't wanna socialize with us any more than we wanna socialize with them.
[ Both .]
What'd you say? I mean, it's a well-known fact that youse colored guys Would just as soon stick around with your own kind up there in Harlem.
Is that so? That's what I always heard.
Oh, Horace.
Look what we done found here.
Uh-huh.
A genuine, No, no, no.
No, no, no.
Yes.
Come on.
Say something bigoted, baby.
Wait a minute.
Now, that's wrong.
I ain't no bigot.
I'm the first guy to say it ain't your fault that youse are colored.
That's number one! That's number one! [ Excited chattering .]
Hold it, hold it.
Come on, guys.
You see, he doesn't understand.
He associates the crime and the stealing With the fact that you guys are black and not with the underlying social causes.
Oh.
Then you must be a liberal.
Well, man, we done found us a genuine liberal And an honest-to-God bigot.
Now you can't beat that.
Come on, guys.
Hold it.
You're putting me on now.
All I meant was that He doesn't understand what living in the ghetto can do to a man.
And you do? Well, I'm studying it in my sociology class.
He's studying it in his sociology class.
I got to talk to you.
Sit right down here.
I got my professorship in sociology, you know.
You know, where I live all eight of us slept in one room together.
Eight? There was 11 of us in one bed.
You had a bed? - My father-- - you had a father? We ain't never had no father, did we? Yeah.
No.
I mean-- well, man, look it here.
I'm gonna tell you, you should have called us and borrowed one of ours.
We did, but he's dead.
See, he's runnin' for a bus and a cop fired a warning shot in his head.
Well, you think that's bad? We had a sister that got bitten by a rat.
Oh, yeah? Yeah, a baby rat about that big.
Well, we didn't have no rats.
No rats? No, the roaches ate 'em all up.
Well, man, we didn't have no roaches.
How come? We didn't have no food.
Well, that ain't nothin'.
Now, we didn't have no heat, no runnin' water, no gas and no electricity.
- Well, what you do? - Well, we just stood around saying, "where is everything?" [ Excited chattering .]
I don't know how you can laugh Through all that misery.
Practice, lady.
Practice.
Well, why don't we all eat something? I could make some sandwiches.
That sounds like a good idea.
Good idea, mom.
Gwendolyn, I would like a spot of tea.
We have another teapot in the kitchen.
What's this? Cash! You can't have it! I beg your pardon? Who's the crook here? That money is going to the wish upon a star song company tomorrow.
You see, I wrote a poem and they're gonna make it into a song.
Everyone is someone-- Edith, don't sing that song.
- Oh, you don't wanna hear the song? - No.
In that case, we gonna hear the song.
Come on and sing.
Oh.
Oh, no.
I-I couldn't.
Oh, well, you worried about the money? Now, if you sing the song, you can have the money.
Hey, coke.
The cops is gone.
We can bug on out now.
No, man, I wanna see this floor show before I go.
Come on and sing.
Well, it's just my own made-up melody.
Oh, well, that's just fine.
Come on and sing.
Yeah.
Go on, ma.
Sing it for him.
[ Clears throat .]
Everyone is someone if you love them love can make a hero from a chump love can make a useless man seem useful love can grow a flower from a dump if you dare to reach out to a stranger you may find you've found a friend indeed 'cause everyone is someone if you love them 'cause love is something everybody needs here, here.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Ohh, Archie.
Yeah, you know, I must tell you one thing, lady.
That sure was a bad song.
But I like you.
Say, man, bring the electric utensils on over here.
What you gonna do? I'm gonna give her things back here.
Stealing from her would be like stealing from my mother.
We've done that, coke.
Oh, man, I was ten then.
Here.
You're a lucky man.
That's a very nice lady.
Yeah.
And lookit here.
This is a dangerous thing.
Somebody could get hurt with that.
Here.
Be cool, baby.
Be cool.
We'll see y'all.
Bye now.
Well, Archie, what are you gonna do now? Buy a Cannon? There ain't nothin' to do now.
I could have done somethin' before, but I didn't have the gun! If I had, maybe somethin' different would have happened around here.
Archie, come on! Geez! Dad! [ Indistinct chattering .]
You hear that? What are you gonna do with them? They never learn.
Hey, look at this.
"Nabbed two in queens jewel heist.
" Hey, must be them two guys that was here.
Archie, got a surprise for you.
We fixed your burglar alarm in a way that no crook is ever gonna set foot in this house again.
Lionel, no.
You can take that dog for a long walk.
Archie, wait a second.
You gotta hear this.
[ Fanfare .]
[ Edith .]
everybody's someone if you love them love can make a hero from a chump [ continues .]
Now that might work.
[ Man .]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.