Ally Mcbeal s02e04 Episode Script

- What are you doing? - I'm practicing for our party.
A party must have dancing.
It's a failure otherwise.
We don't want the reputation of giving bad parties.
I see.
Why is it you have to practice? - I haven't danced in months.
- What? - We dance three times a week.
- What? - At the bar.
- That isn't dancing, Renee.
- Bar dancing is not dancing.
- It's not? No.
At the bar you just sort of model and move.
Watch.
You just stand and let yourself be seen.
Really? That isn't dancing.
Dancing is losing yourself to music.
You're not conscious of anything.
It's as if you're alone in a room.
Which brings me back to my question: Why do you have to practice? It's My Party Billy, Georgia, John and Elaine are coming.
I'll invite Nelle last minute.
Richard will wanna bring his wattle of the month.
I'll call you later.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I get you? - No.
Only where I wanted it.
- I'm really sorry.
I won't have to explain the spot because it's you I'm here to see.
- What? - George Madison, your 9:00.
I'm early.
You're-? It's a pleasure to meet you.
I read your magazine religiously.
Well, I mean, I did before you got- You can say fired.
I was.
Elaine convinced me to sue.
I don't like litigation, but- Well, if your rights have been trampled - So - I'll clean up and see you in a bit.
- Great.
- Where's the? Thanks.
It's my very best yet.
But even when I make my millions I want you to know I'll still work here.
- What's going on? - She's invented customized condoms.
- Sorry? - They're vibrantly colored - with sayings on the side.
- Sayings? You read as you unfurl.
I made samples for you all.
Richard, yours says "Bygones.
" I think it's appropriate.
John.
"Enjoy the moment.
" Georgia.
"Pay the bill.
" I like the "punnage" on that.
And mine says, "Come here often? " I'm not sure about the entendre.
I don't wanna be vulgar.
And Ally? Perfect.
- "Take a number"? - Don't you love it? - "Take a number"? - Well, you are on the active side.
- No, I'm not.
I mean, not there.
- You're like an on-ramp.
No, no.
I kiss a lot.
But I don't do- I do not.
- I'm troubled by my slogan.
- Hello? Everybody, this is George Madison, editor of La Femme magazine.
- These are the lawyers.
- Hi.
Richard Fish.
A pleasure.
Ally and Georgia will handle the case.
We put women on it, given the issue.
I was showing them my customized condoms.
- Aren't they fabulous? - "Caution.
Frostbite"? That's Nelle's.
And here's one for you, sweetie.
"Been there.
" Very good.
- Is that her boyfriend? - I don't know.
- He's cute.
- Very cute.
What's the deal? - What do you mean? - How did she get a cute, smart guy? - He's married.
- Didn't see a ring.
It's not like I'm not happy for her.
It's just that- - What? - There's a- - Oh, very funny.
- What? Somebody put a fake frog on the toilet seat.
What little juvenile-? - He's on me! Get him! - No, you get him! Stefan.
Hold still.
Let me get him.
- My hair.
Did he pee? - Come here, Stefan.
Stefan? He's Swedish? - He escaped.
He hopped in here.
- You have a pet frog? He's a show frog.
I won't be disparaged.
- I'm not disparaging you.
I just- - I'm an amateur herpetologist.
The New England regional's next week.
I'm bringing him for extra practice.
Settle.
Settle.
Come here.
One minute, I'm hero editor in chief.
Next, I'm fired.
- And the reason? - Religion.
- She actually said that? - Yes.
There's an upcoming profile on me in the Times Magazine section.
T alks about me being a Baptist and she fired me, preemptively.
She cited religion as the cause? Baptists aren't progressive concerning women.
Catherine felt my religion ran contrary to the magazine's ideology.
She's scared of political fallout, best I can tell.
If we file a motion ex parte, we could go in today.
- The court can make them rehire me? - They don't like to, but maybe.
You have a really great face.
Case.
He's got strong little legs.
He could push this top right off.
- How long have you had the little guy? - Six years.
Six years? The longest you've gone with a woman is three.
You've had a frog for six? - Is there something you want, Richard? - How's it going with Nelle? - What do you mean? - I mean, how's it going? - I only intend to covet her from afar.
- What about talking? Do you two talk? A bit.
My rehearsal buffer stiffens.
I never remember the talks.
- Your rehearsal what? - Buffer.
The part of the brain that transfers things from short-term memory to long.
- My buffer stiffens in her company.
- The next time you talk to her could you, discreetly ask her if Ling likes me? - You've been out on three dates.
- I know.
But every time I go to kiss her, she gives me the cheek.
- Maybe she's shy.
- Ling? Oh, yes, the little wallflower.
- Maybe I'm missing something.
- Well, have you tried bells? I don't think that'll do it.
Just talk to Nelle, if you can.
- Broach it.
- You really like this woman.
- Richard? - Oh, yeah.
He was fired for his religion- A feminist magazine editor can't think women should stay home.
- My client never said he believed- - Your client is a Baptist.
Hold on.
Are you saying he was fired for being a Baptist? - It isn't that simple.
- The question was simple.
Yes or no? - This is a very gray area.
- Yes or no? I didn't ask for a color.
I won't say yes or no.
Here's why: The Baptist Convention's doctrine says wives should submit to their husband in the household.
You can call that a religious belief.
But it can't be protected.
You're talking about Southern Baptists, and my- I'm not interested in doctrines.
What does he believe? - Equality.
- That doesn't fit with his faith.
I want an evidentiary hearing.
I'll hear Ms.
Hollings, then Mr.
Madison.
Right now, I'll see Ms.
McBeal in chambers.
And only Ms.
McBeal.
- Adjourned.
- Did I do something wrong? - Sit.
If you can.
- Excuse me? My courtroom has an implied dress code.
The standard for inappropriateness is like the legal definition of obscenity.
We know it when we see it.
You won't be allowed in with a skirt that short.
- That's all.
- Well, you- You- You can't do that.
- I just did.
You think I'm kidding? - I hope you're kidding.
One warning is all you get.
- We can't appeal.
- Unbelievable! - Would he tell a man how to dress? - If he dressed like that.
Bygones.
- No big deal.
Wear a longer skirt.
- I won't give in.
- It's Walsh.
He'll remove you.
- That isn't right.
- It's gender bias.
I support you.
- Thank you.
Protest by wearing tight jeans.
Who'll throw that ass out? - Richard! - What? - If you're right and he's out of line- - He is.
The mission is to get his job back.
If you anger the judge he's the one who's going to pay the price.
- I'll take that chance.
- What? No.
He shouldn't be able to tell her how to dress.
George, I can't ask you to throw yourself on top of me.
Grenade.
On top of the grenade.
Hey, I like your hemlines.
I'm happy to jump on the cause.
Thanks.
Isometrics.
I'm having a dinner party tomorrow night.
You're invited.
- I'm sure you've already made plans.
- Actually, I haven't.
- Great.
Then you can come.
- I'd love to.
It's not every day I'll be getting an invitation like this, will I? Probably not.
Dates are welcome, if you want to bring one.
Great.
Great.
I suppose Billy's already going.
Kidding.
Look at the bright side.
She's bringing you and I closer together.
- Maybe I should change.
Not for him.
- Don't do it for me.
Maybe you should.
Why alienate him? Keep hidden behind the table.
After that woman tells her story he'll have to reinstate me, no matter what you' re not wearing.
All rise.
Be seated.
Let's hear from Ms.
Hollings first.
It's too soon.
They can't all hate you.
- The women all hate me.
- Don't be upset about that.
"Success is never sweeter than when accompanied by a friend's failure.
" For that reason, these women will want to get along with you.
- Ling.
Steal you a second? - I suppose.
Ally's having a dinner party tomorrow night.
- Would you like to come? - As your date? Yes.
All right.
I don't care if it's scripture.
The message "men dominate, women submit" is untenable.
- But if it's a religious view- - Please! It's a chauvinistic view.
You can't say women are weaker, then hide behind God.
We're a feminist magazine.
We can't have an editor - who endorses such a position.
- He claims he doesn't.
If a Klan member says he personally has nothing against blacks forgive my cynicism.
- Baptists are comparable to the KKK? - Sometimes silence can scream.
Him not renouncing his faith, I lose advertisers.
You never heard him say women should be submissive - true or false? - T rue.
He wasn't fired for anything he did, but because of what he is.
A chauvinist.
You think that simply because he's Baptist.
All it takes for misogyny to thrive is for good men to do nothing.
Just so we' re all clear here.
His choice was either renounce his faith - or lose his job.
- Correct.
But he rejects the idea that women be submissive.
I can't have a Baptist run my magazine, even if he's a good one.
The discharge is contrary to law.
Mr.
Madison, you have your job back.
Ms.
McBeal, you're in contempt.
Bailiff, take her into custody.
- What? - We're adjourned.
- Ma'am.
- If I'm going to jail for my clothes at least don't call me ma'am.
Do I look like a ma'am to you? - She's in jail? - She can go if she apologizes.
- What's up with her? - She's throwing a party tomorrow.
- Did she explain it? - It's a high-stress thing next to a wedding, a childbirth, for a woman, the dinner party.
- Keep talking.
- It's true.
- The judge won't bend.
- I'll talk to her.
But let her sit there for an hour so she understands this is real.
I suppose, underneath, you've always known you'd end up in prison.
- Listen, why don't you apologize? - I don't even say I'm sorry when I am.
I'm allergic to criminals.
I feel terrible.
You won the case I have my job back, and you've been left to rot in jail.
Well, I'm dangerous.
After you.
Anyway, I came to thank you.
And to help you break out.
- How did you and Elaine meet? - At the U.
S.
Patent Office.
She had her face bra, and I was doing paperwork on a thing I invented.
- What was that? - Never mind.
No.
T ell me.
It's kind of a "wiggle walk.
" - A "wiggle walk"? - See? You're laughing.
No, I'm not laughing.
I'm- - A "wiggle walk"? - I have a herniated disc in my L-4.
And I discovered with the right movement, it would bring relief.
You got a patent on it? When chiropractors prescribe it, it won't seem silly - even though I like silly.
- A "wiggle walk.
" I'm mighty proud too.
One visitor at a time, so - I'm going.
I'll see you tomorrow.
- Excuse me? - At the party.
I'm coming with Elaine.
- Oh, right.
Tomorrow.
- Thanks again.
You're a great lawyer.
- Thanks.
Hey, sugar.
Where you going? We got two choices here.
- Apologize, or get a contempt hearing.
- That's what I want.
- The apology is more of a sure thing.
- I won't apologize.
As your lawyer in this hearing I need to tell the judge why you wear your skirt so short.
- I like to.
- Give me more.
- That's all I have.
- You can spend a lot of time here.
Do you need this attention? - You wanna be the miniskirt attorney? - I won't let him tell me how to dress.
- As your friend- - You'll support me.
Thank you.
- I feel so responsible.
- Oh, George.
Ally makes her own bed.
You don't have to lie in it.
What's that supposed to mean? Shouldn't we be celebrating - you getting your job back? - Sure.
I have an honorary condom to celebrate the decision.
"Reinstate me.
" Are you all right? I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Anything? No official dress code.
Any local rules? Nothing.
Nothing saying there can't be a dress code, either.
He has judicial discretion.
Some judges make men wear ties.
I can't believe she's actually in jail.
- I'll argue the contempt hearing.
- Hoping to extend her sentence? I've done a lot of gender discrimination cases.
I can help.
I want everybody in that court.
- That's overkill.
- If somebody's under fire, we all are.
- We stand united.
- What "somebody"? It's always Ally.
One for all, and all for me.
Imagine you in her place, Georgia.
I'll hear you, but if you all plan to speak, you're wasting time.
- Only the defendant need address me.
- Me? - Yes, you.
- Oh.
I hadn't really prepared, so this would be off the cuff.
You're a pig.
And we're all sorry for that.
- Put her back in custody.
- Your Honor, if I could be heard.
Go ahead.
Nobody's denying the respect you deserve in here.
If she wore ripped clothing, that's one thing.
But you're penalizing her because her attire is too sexually risqué.
- It undermines the court's credibility.
- Why should it? That assumption suggests attractive women lack credibility.
It's bad enough the legal profession is still a boys' club - why should we look like boys? - Nobody is asking for that.
Every billboard and magazine tells us we should look like models.
We have to fight the mindset "If she's beautiful, she must be stupid.
" I fight it too.
And I bend to the prejudice.
I don't have her courage.
If I did I might come in here and let my hair down once.
If I didn't fear people automatically thinking I'm a bimbo I might not always wear jackets.
But people, men and women, draw unfair conclusions.
We've come to expect the bias.
But not from judges.
What's most disappointing here, you saw this woman perform in court.
You heard her argue.
She won her case.
And you're still judging her on hemlines.
What do we have to do? Ms.
McBeal.
- Do you have anything else? - No! Only, you know, the obvious, Your Honor.
- Which is? - I wish I had her hair.
I see.
You're free to go.
Adjourned.
- Ally feared nobody would dance.
- I haven't had dinner.
- It's a party.
- Parties start with shrimp cocktails and conversation, maybe about Clinton.
They're singing to a light bulb.
- You got any shrimp cocktail? - There's guacamole.
Guacamole? Who eats that? - I think we should have a toast.
- I think we should eat.
- I'll take a slice of toast.
- Here's to a double victory.
T o George getting rehired and Ally's nasty little skirts, a signature of progress for women.
Hear, hear! Since we' re celebrating your wearing those little skirts, what's the deal? There is no deal.
A woman is entitled to her own individuality.
- You do agree? - I do.
But all that's covering your individuality is a napkin.
Let's move on.
Ling, why do you dress trampy? - It gives me an edge.
- What do you mean? I work with men.
I'm their manager.
They have to think I'm smarter.
- The wine is terrible.
- Dressing skimpy- Engages the penis.
Nothing dumber than the horny toad.
- This isn't dinner talk.
- Quiet.
You say men are chauvinists, but women are prejudiced.
Why? - You assume aroused men can't think.
- It's true.
Men see a knockout babe, assume she's stupid and get turned on.
- Do men get aroused by stupidity? - I do.
Ling's the exception.
Broccoli? - This isn't funny.
- No, it's not.
It's sad.
You know what? I don't like being lumped into some Neanderthal group.
Maybe I'll start wearing Speedos to get some individuality.
That was crackerjack.
- What did you say? - You heard me.
- Somebody pass something.
- You know what I find ironic? We dress this way to lure a man, but once we get him, he stops us.
- Can we get off clothing? - I'm trying to fill the dead air.
It's quiet because everybody's loving the damn food.
- May I say something as an outsider? - Good luck.
- Quiet.
- See? There's a lot of stuff in this room.
It can't be about her skirts.
I find that when the food is served late- This truly would be the time for you to remain silent.
My two cents? What Nelle said in court there's enough truth in that to tap into the genuine frustration working women have.
And men get sick of being portrayed as testosterone-driven mutts.
- Two cents? I'd be looking for change.
- Let's hear your opinion.
- Simple: men and women.
Friction.
- That's it? Friction? Friction, friction, orgasm.
Fishism.
Are we gonna dance or not? You certainly seem a little bothered.
- Me? - Got hot over that Neanderthal stuff.
Since when do you care that men are pigs? You know what's beginning to bother me? What? - Never mind.
- Oh, come on.
What? This thing about your skirts.
Who cares, really? But our whole office had to shut down to address it.
We all marched into court, which is okay.
You were under attack, and we rallied because we' re a team.
And what do you do? You call the judge a pig.
You just walk in as Ally McBeal forgetting or ignoring that what you do in court reflects on all of us.
And tonight, you're so worried people might not have fun.
Not that you care whether we have fun.
It's more about your success as a host.
You really believe all that? We' re all here too, Ally.
Once in a while it would be nice if life were more than just your party.
You work at a weird place.
You do know this? I do.
- I like them.
- Oh, my God.
Fish has really got it for you.
Yes.
Something tells me I'm the reason you're in here.
You expect me to dance after what you said? Ally, did it mean anything to you that we were all in court today? - Did you even really notice? - Of course I noticed.
Did you say to yourself, "Wow! They' re all here for me.
" You complain a lot about how you've got no life.
The people out there are in your life.
That's something to celebrate.
I adore everyone in there except Ling.
And Nelle, maybe.
And Elaine, when she bugs me.
But everybody else, except Ben.
And George, I don't really know him.
But the others, I love them.
And I would never admit this, but I even cherish them.
Then let's get out of the kitchen.
Come with me.
I wanna show you my stamp collection.
I'm gonna be honest, so this is unchartered territory for me.
- Kind of like you being sweet.
- I'm waiting.
We need another room.
What are we doing? Every time we get to the "good night" part of the evening, you shift to - I tense up.
- Yes.
- Do you know why? - I'm afraid you'll try to kiss me.
You don't have my problem with honesty.
Is it - you don't wanna kiss me? - Actually, I do.
Then why? I attach too much importance to the first kiss.
If it isn't right - even perfect, it's all ruined.
- Ruined? - Would you like to try? - Put a bit more pressure on me first.
I knew you weren't ready.
I am ready.
But maybe you could guide me.
Tilt your head.
The worst thing would be for our noses to collide.
Now, lick your lips to- No I'll do it.
We don't want them dry.
Now just receive.
Reciprocate.
But don't escalate.
- You sure you're ready? - No.
- Maybe we should wait.
- No.
You may think you've been kissed before, Richard Fish.
You haven't been.
You were wonderful.
- Have you got a video camera? - I wish.
My friends Mary and Patty sing it worse.
Than this? Are there drugs here I don't know about? I don't think.
- You kiss him? - Oh, yeah.
He's still in recovery.
- Go dance, we can do this later.
- I'm just getting them to the sink.
It's official.
We give good party.
You don't do that.
It's easier than being a Pip.
Trust me.
- You clearly studied voice.
- I did.
- Are you having a good time? - I am.
You've got good friends.
I know.
They're the best.
- And Elaine, she's- - Great.
Really great.
I mean, she's just Listen, I apologize for putting my short skirt before your face- - Case.
Case.
- You won the case.
Don't forget.
Yeah.
- That Elaine is- She's - Yeah.
And those condoms.
Those little slogans are so Great.
So great.
Well, should we hit the floor? - Excuse me? - Dance floor.
Yeah.
Let's dance.
- Come on! - There has to be limits.
Let's just dance normal for a while, without the light bulb.
Come on, John.
I can keep up with this one.
- How's your dance card? - One left.
- This has to be our song.
- Has to be.
- Renee won't have me.
- Then it's me, babe.
- Will you always covet me from afar? - I think it's safer, don't you? I do.
- This party puts her in a new light.
- Ally? It'll be weird associating her with fun.
- This a dance or we going somewhere? - Just a dance, big guy.
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