Alpha House (2013) s02e04 Episode Script

1 So America is like this awesome house party that's been going for almost 200 years, and it's our generation's responsibility to keep the party going, you know? But me and the other D.
C.
daughters are totally big-tentish about it, because millennials are all about diversity.
We don't care whether you're rich or white or educated or thin or too thin or rich.
You name it, we don't judge, because we're what America looks like now.
Ugh.
So Charity's being all Debbie Downer, because we're doing this "join your dad at work day" thing, and she thinks we should be doing her father first because he's in the fricking majority party.
That's not what I said.
You always twist my words, bitch.
Okay, cut.
Charity, my darling, that's delicious, but you're gonna have to keep your head up when you talk 'cause you swallowed that.
Bitch! Morning, Rodney.
How are the kids? Good, good.
Thanks, Senator.
Well, if it isn't Senator Civility.
You know, Peg, that was supposed to be a private conversation.
Oops.
Didn't know.
Heard from the Watts, did you? Yes, and they heard from me.
Gil John, this is a group from the Bismarck libertarian party I'm showing around.
Folks, say hello to Senator Gil John Biggs of North Carolina.
Boo! Wow.
They all know your record.
Impressive.
Enjoy your tour, you tea-bagging whack jobs.
Everyone's waiting, Senator.
Okay, folks, welcome to the belly of the beast, where the sausage is made, or used to be before we shut it down.
Who's waiting? The crew for Real Daughters of D.
C.
And don't you start cussing, Senator.
You agreed to this a week ago.
Oh, for the love I'm busy today.
Oh, well, they're gonna love that, 'cause they want to shoot you in action on a typical day.
On a typical day, I don't have a goddamn reality show in my office.
Don't ever have kids, Tammy.
Oh, no, there's no chance of that, sir.
Aaron and I That wasn't an invitation to share, girl.
I'm not in the mood.
Read me, for Christ's sakes.
That's your job.
Sorry, just don't ever have kids, that's all I'm saying.
Oh.
Sir? Senator.
Good morning.
- Where are you going? - I have a briefing.
Uh, no, sir, you What is that smell? It's not a smell.
It's a scent, Cologne.
Uh, no, sir, that's too strong for Cologne.
It's Perfume.
Okay, I ran out of Cologne, so I borrowed some perfume - from my housekeeper.
- So cheap perfume.
What's the big deal about me smelling good? For a briefing? - 'Sup? - 'Sup, my man? 'Sup? Okay, let's not do that again.
Is Marta here? Why would Marta be here? I got to go.
This isn't gonna work.
Kat, we got to get people to stop talking about who dropped what light on whom, and Columbus day could do that.
Andy, I understand the part about changing the subject, but you can't distract people from a major scandal with a made-up war on a holiday no one cares about.
You can if you're good.
- What's the briefing about? - Stop following me.
You don't need to know everything I'm doing.
It's literally my job to follow you and know everything you're doing.
I'm meeting with Colonel Drake.
It turns out he is also the Pentagon's main expert on Al-Qaeda in Central Africa, so I asked for a briefing.
Since when you are concerned about Al-Qaeda in Central Africa? I think the real question is, why isn't everyone concerned about Al-Qaeda in Central Africa? - Teeth check.
- Ugh.
You're fine.
Now, here we have the battle of Lake Erie.
It was commissioned in 1865.
You may have noticed that all of the faces look the same, and that's because the artist only used one model in order to cut his costs and defraud the government.
Now, in the next room, we're gonna Gil John.
Charlotte, what the hell is all this? I'm not Charlotte.
I'm Cee.
Cee Biggs.
That's been my brand for two years, and this is my family.
Great.
You tell your cousin Guber to get his feet off my coffee table? Gil John, I don't believe you've met my executive producer, Connie Wyman? The Connie Wyman, who created So You Want To Be A MILF and Pimp My Pet.
Senator, I could not be more honored.
Me either.
Let's get this over with.
When am I supposed to lose it? I'm already in the zone.
Right now, I stand in the district of Columbia, and so the covert war on Columbus day is an attack on our very seat of government.
- - This is a very important issue.
Yeah, this isn't gonna work.
Gentlemen.
I'll have the steak and eggs, medium rare, over easy, - and coffee, black.
- Very good, sir.
And, Senator, will you have your usual banana yogurt and I'll have the same as the Colonel, except I'll have the steak completely rare, flaming red.
That'll be all, Lloyd.
Yes, sir.
So I thought we'd start with the Central African security status and the nonlethal aid we are funneling into the prefecture of Ombella-M'Poko.
Uh, which prefecture, again? - Ombella-M'Poko.
- Roger that.
And you spell that the usual Central African way? And this painting of the White House being burned to the ground inspires me every day.
Senator, could you clear the area, please? Someone reported a gun in the building.
I'm clearing the halls as we check it out.
You mean this gun? - It's not bad bad, Senator.
- So it's okay? The post reprinted Senator DuPeche's stand-up routine word for word, and now everyone else is picking it up, - but if we play this right, sir - Ah, so it is bad.
And I always thought that being a senator's wife was as far as I could rise.
How wrong I was.
- Is that Robert? Robert.
- Hey, Betty.
Robert, I read something funny about you this morning, something cute.
What was it? Don't tell me.
Sir, are you there? S Copy that.
Suspect is near one echo niner, over.
So as a Latino American, I put this question to my Democrat friends in the Senate.
De verdad? That's Spanish for "really?" Do you really want to abolish Columbus Day, our sole Hispanic holiday? Not counting Cinco de Mayo, which is only celebrated in bars.
Do you really want to abolish the one day our schoolchildren get to stay at home and not hear about Columbus's so-called genocide? I, uh I yield.
I'm yielding.
Thank you.
Sir Huh.
Wonder what's happening.
Just you explaining how Central Africa could become a hub for bad actors like Al-Kabab.
Al-Shabaab.
I always get them confused.
Al-Kabab is a fast-food chain.
Go on.
Robert, you have to come by and see my new office.
I kept a few of Paul's things, like the mounted bobcat, which I shot, by the way, because it got in the garbage.
I may be an appointee, but I'm a real Idaho girl.
I'm not just an empty pantsuit.
What, you can't take a few jokes? My mother beat the black off of me? That's the funny bit.
It was in the Post.
Robert, we were all drinking.
It just fell out of my mouth.
On account of you'd been thinking it so long.
Why didn't you just call me a House slave? Good catch.
I'll work it in next time.
Ah.
We've stopped.
Oh, what's happening? Why the red light? Are we missing a vote? Sir? It's Mrs.
Biggs.
What is it, Maddie? Honey bear, I know you're hating this, but it's an opportunity to show you hard at work for North Carolina, to show you engaged.
Doing what, shouting at Cee Biggs? - Ugh.
- Okay, Senator.
- This is just a day in the life.
- I got to go.
- I'll call you later.
- Oh, wait We're not looking for any up-tempo dramatic beats, just some actuality to set the scene.
Don't try too hard, Gil John.
Just act natural.
You know what'd be natural? You calling me "dad" instead of "Gil John.
" Okay.
The tension is good.
I'm liking the foreshadowing.
Calling you "Gil John" is more honest than calling you "dad.
" And honesty is one of my core brand values Hold on, honey.
We have to talk about something classified real quick.
Just keep rolling.
No, look away.
Go out in the hall and pull the fire alarm.
I'm impressed.
I am exercising my second amendment right to carry a firearm for my own protection.
Right on, Peg.
Take your stand.
You go, girl! Come and take it! Come and take it! Come and take it! Senator, put down the gun, or we will disarm you by force.
Right? I wish I could help you out, son, but I'm afraid we're not in your country of origin.
This is America.
USA! USA! USA! USA! What's going on? Oh.
Oh.
Clear! Code red.
Shut it down.
What's going on? - Spaz.
- No, stay put! Close the door! Was that gunfire? Yes, sir.
Handgun, single round.
There is a shelter-in-place alert.
A terrorist attack? Could be anything, sir.
- Could be accidental discharge.
- My first thought.
Just hope the sounds of battle don't trigger anything.
- Sir? - I've been in the shit.
Didn't serve, but I got lit up in the 'Stan.
I think I read about that.
Probably, yeah.
It was widely covered.
Still hard to talk about.
You been deployed to the sandbox, Colonel? Yes, sir, nine times.
Oh, so then you know what's it like.
I do not pose a threat.
I will not challenge you, but I won't allow myself to be disarmed.
Senator, we don't want this to get out of control.
Just put the gun down.
I'm going to continue about my business as a free citizen.
Senator, we can't allow you.
Fascists.
What is this, the Ukraine? Senator, don't move! My country 'Tis of thee Sweet land of liberty Of thee I sing Land where my fathers died land of the pilgrims' pride Hey, Becky.
Hey, Elise.
- Hi, sir.
- Hello, Senator Guzman.
I'm Ben.
This is Tomas.
What do you think is happening out there, sir? I have no idea.
They said to shelter in place, Senator.
In place is good, son.
Out of sight is better.
This is the Senate floor.
If there's a psycho gunman, there's a good chance he's headed here.
This vent is our best option.
I'll go first in case there's danger.
Okay, so Hollywood's just one damn lie after another.
What about the maintenance tunnel? Anyone know how to get down there? I do.
The staircase is behind the cloakroom.
Follow me.
Hey, wait for me.
This breaking news just in to us, unconfirmed reports that a gun, or multiple guns, have been fired once or perhaps many times, we are told, in or around the United States Capitol building or somewhere in that vicinity.
Tammy, call security.
Tell 'em to unlock the door, so you can go get Buster.
Me? You want me to go out there? Dog in jeopardy.
We couldn't have scripted this.
Senator, maybe we could just do a quick interview about what Buster means to you No, no.
You can't keep filming.
This could be an emergency situation.
A real-life one, not some damn TV show.
I'm not getting any bars.
I wonder what's going on.
Maybe it's terrorists.
Do you think the elevator's being hijacked? Betty, look around you.
There are no terrorists aboard.
If you don't count Rose.
Will you give it a rest? You're not even gonna apologize? For what? Your date even thought it was funny.
By the way, what's up with the date? Andy's influence? I was only out on a date because Eve Left.
Oh, Robert, honey.
Eve left you? I'm so sorry.
I hadn't heard.
Robert, check the roof.
How much longer do you think it'll be? - Are you cold, sir? - No, no.
Well, maybe a little.
The air conditioning, you know.
No, no.
Colonel, then you'll be It's okay.
I run a little hot.
Oh, well, then, in that case, thanks.
Lot of fruit salad here, Colonel.
Yes, sir.
I guess it is a little much, but there's not a decoration there that I'm not proud of.
Purple Heart, I see.
You bled for your country.
I guess I could have done without that one.
May I ask how you Actually, sir, I'd rather not talk about it, if that's okay.
Oh, absolutely, sure.
There are things I myself find hard to share, so we're sort of in the same boat.
Yes.
No.
I understand that you're very busy, but it's the senator's dog! John, from where I'm standing, we can see emergency vehicles parked in front of the Capitol with their lights on, which may indicate that whatever has happened is still happening.
Senator, I'm sorry, they're not gonna open the door.
We have not seen officers emerge from those vehicles yet.
Rodney? That you? Come here, boy.
Come here.
- There he is.
Good boy.
- Come on.
Come on.
- Oh.
- That's my boy.
I found him in the hallway, and I thought maybe he wanted to come home.
Oh, why are all the doors locked? Tight on the dog.
That dog is bloody gold.
Buster, there you are! Oh, I missed you, boy! Where have you been? What's going on here? Oh, it's a shoot for Real Daughters of D.
C.
, my reality show.
Oh.
I'm a D.
C.
daughter.
Yes, you are.
There was another guy, Rose.
You don't have to tell me about it, Robert.
She left me for someone in the motor trade.
Sounds like a Beatles song.
Oh, great, now I can never enjoy the Beatles again.
From what I hear through the walls, you only listen to opera anyway.
Opera explains life.
Maybe it explains you, all pomposity and artifice.
I need to use the ladies' room.
Betty, I'm sure we'll be on our way in a minute.
Why are you so hard on me, Rose? Why are you so easy? Eve hated D.
C.
, so you didn't ask her to come down much.
So she never felt included in your Washington life.
Truth is, Washington is people kissing your ass.
Home is boring as sin.
You knew exactly what you could do to fix your marriage.
You just didn't want to.
Robert, you left her years ago.
How do you know this? How do you think I got to be single again? Dumb luck? - So how's Stephie, Elise? - Who? Stephie, that page I always see you with.
- Tall girl.
- Oh, she's fine.
How come you know all the girls' names, but you don't know the boys'? Uh, we'd never met before, right, guys? Yeah, once, sir.
You sent me for Vaseline.
We met when you nominated me, sir.
- You're my senator.
- Of course.
Now, these tunnels go under the whole Capitol? They actually go under most of the mall.
During reconstruction, members used them to vanish before difficult votes.
Phone, where are we? You are under the Washington monument in Washington, D.
C.
Too far.
Sorry.
Restaurants near the Washington monument include wonder what's taking so long.
Probably evacuating the women and children first.
Sir I should have answered your question.
I was wounded in Ramadi.
Colonel Drake, you don't have to I was in the command seat of an MRAP, and we got hit with an EFP, which is an ied with a splatter charge.
Sure, splatter charge.
The blast shot molten copper into my forearm.
Pulverized the bone, sent a shower of splinters into the knee of my turret gunner.
Uh, how was he he came through okay.
The splinters are still there.
Calls me his blood brother.
You you stay in touch with him? Oh, I do.
He's my boyfriend now.
Oh.
I guess that answers your other question, sir.
Other question? Whether I was available.
John, the media have been flooding the zone for a good ten minutes now, and it appears that we have flushed out a new development - Ah, Marta.
- Yes, Miss de Portago? You don't happen to do alterations, do you? I'm going to an event tonight and W what's going on? There's a terrorist on Capitol Hill shooting people.
- O okay, uh, I am being told - What? That Senator Gil John Biggs is on the line from inside the building.
Senator Biggs, are you with us? I am, Shelby.
Glad to be talking with you.
So tell us, what's the situation like in there? What are you seeing? - Gil John! - Not much.
Just trying to keep a lid on things, keep my staff calm.
Gil John! Hold on a second, Shelby.
Charlotte, I'm doing an interview! Do you see what's happening? Do you see what's happening over there? You know what might be quite fun? Me and you have a chat, talk about the day's events, I mean, you just relax, be yourself.
Who else would I be? No, of course.
Oh, you are too perfect.
That Mormon twit is trying to elbow her way on to our show! - We have to kick her out now.
- Senator? We're receiving some new information.
It appears that Senator Peg Stanchion may be responsible for this crisis.
She was trying to make some sort of statement about open carry laws, and that devolved into a crisis with the Capitol police.
What? Peg Stanchion is the reason we're all in lockdown? - You're kidding me! - I'm not, sir.
- Any comment? - I got to go, Shelby.
I'll talk to you later, buddy.
Cold, dead fingers! Cold, dead fingers! Cold, dead fingers! Cold, dead fingers! Cold, dead fingers! Cold, dead fingers! Cold, dead fingers! Back off! This is your final warning.
I will draw down on you.
It's my constitutional right.
For Christ's sake, Peg.
Quit pulling rights out of your cold, dead ass.
- Hey! - There, done.
Gil John.
That was perfect, Daddy.
Gil John! Finally.
So I'm sorry.
- For what? - For the jokes, okay? - But I did kill up there.
- Yeah, I know.
I did it.
I got it open! Where are we now? You are on New Jersey Avenue and southwest drive.
Oh, there, an exit door.
I'll go first.
There might be cameras.
We don't mind.
Are you trained to engage with the media? Anybody can do a TV interview.
I did one.
When? After a science fair? After I rescued a woman swept out to sea during Sandy.
Local news.
This is the majors.
I've got this one, kids.
John, reactions to the standoff have fallen along partisan lines, with Democrats calling it a dangerous stunt and Republicans comparing it to Waco, the Alamo, and Thermopylae, and while this building may not look like oh, my goodness.
I John, I don't know if you can see behind me, but It appears that Senator Andy Guzman has emerged from the Senate building with what appears to be several young pages.
I'm gonna try and get a word.
Well, thank you, Colonel.
That was very informative.
Senator, I uh, I should probably be checking in my team.
I'm sure they've been worried.
May I just say, hooah, Colonel? Hooah, sir.
Good luck.
Did you rescue these young pages? Well, "rescue" is a strong word, Shelby.
Becky, what do you think? You should talk to Tomas.
- He really did rescue someone.
- Then again, I don't want to take the words out of your mouth, Shelby.
If "rescue" feels right, I say you go with it.
Oh, excuse me one second here.
I I've got a phone call.
- Okay? Thank you.
- My God, Marta.
How heroic does my senator look? You know, with his with his hair all messed up like that from saving those children! You have no idea how worried I was.
You should have texted me! Oh, no, no.
I know you were busy rescuing, but, uh, I thought you might be dead.
Oh, Andy.
Andy, I'm so relieved.