American Housewife (2016) s02e04 Episode Script

1 Katie: Making breakfast for your kid with OCD is like the world's least-fun game of "Operation.
" It takes a steady hand or [Imitates buzzer.]
It touched.
I can't eat that.
If we were rich, Anna-Kat would be eccentric.
But we're poor, so she's just cuckoo pants.
Call me when you get it right.
Morning, Taylor.
I made you a little something.
No, way.
I'm not eating Anna-Kat's reject food.
It's disgusting.
Mmm! Yolks and crusties.
May I? Put that cup down! Who gave you permission to drink coffee? You did last week.
I asked you when you were removing all the things Anna-Kat hates from her trail mix.
- Mmm! Carob.
- You know better than to listen to me while I'm ignoring you.
- Besides, coffee stunts your growth.
- Great.
I'm already at a perfect height according to the quiz I took on BuzzFeed.
Well, BuzzFeed says that I'm a Charlotte, which is total crap 'cause everyone knows I'm a Carrie.
You're more like a Miranda.
That is the meanest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Not happening.
Put it down.
Fine.
Once I start driving next week, I'll go get my own coffee.
Oh, my God.
She's right.
She's gonna be driving.
How did this happen? - When did our oldest get to be so old? - I don't understand.
I thought you couldn't wait for Taylor to start driving.
Well, now that it's here, I'm having mixed feelings.
Am I allowed to have those, Greg, or is this Russia? Do you mean Communist Russia? Because modern Russia, while still oppressive Why can't you just let me say things? Greg, you realize getting her license means independence.
And before you know it, she's gonna be driving off like that girl in that Subaru commercial.
You mean the one where the little girl sits in the driver's seat and the dad tells her to be careful? [Voice breaking.]
Then he turns back, and suddenly she's a teenager.
[Voice breaking.]
That girl was so tiny.
Then the girl grew up right before his eyes.
[Both sniffling.]
Oh.
What's happening? Ugh.
Get off.
Taylor, honey, I'd like to spend some special mother/daughter time with you, establish a bond that will last a lifetime.
You can't force stuff like that.
That's silly.
Anything can be forced.
The fact that you were all over 9 pounds and I never had a C-section is proof.
- Gross.
- Yes, it was.
- I saw the sheets.
- Mm-hmm.
You'll never believe who just moved in next to us.
Here's a hint He's one of my idols, and he just got out of prison.
I give up on the question and possibly parenting.
Spencer Blitz, the man who dominated Wall Street in the '90s.
Then spent the last 20 years in jail for insider trading.
I want you to stay clear of that guy.
You've already talked to him, haven't you? Spencer: Hey.
Are you stealing my Wall Street Journal? Good job.
When I was your age, I stole hundreds of papers.
Sold 'em back to the vendors for a profit.
Kind of a reverse paper route.
Then I took that money, bought an abandoned warehouse, burned it to the ground for the insurance money, and bought a Maserati.
At school, I made sure I parked next the the principal so he knew who was boss.
Sir, that's the most inspiring story I've ever heard.
[Chuckles.]
That guy's a perfect example of what happens when somebody only cares about money.
I know, right? He's the best.
Oliver, there is a letter from your school marked "urgent.
" Oh, yeah, I was supposed to give that to you.
Yeah, I got that, too.
So did Anna-Kat.
You know I hate it when the three of you screw up together.
It dilutes her anger.
A kid at the school got lice, and they want the parents to be on the lookout.
[Pig grunting.]
We cannot get lice.
We're already known as the poor family.
[Pig sneezes.]
Correction poor family with a pet pig.
Hans Gruber, don't sneeze on Mommy's leg.
Greg, don't ever refer to me as the pig's mommy again.
Listen up.
We will not be known as the "poor pig family that also has lice.
" So that's what these things are.
After discovering that one of your kids has lice, the first step is to isolate patient zero.
This is to contain them.
Having head pets is the best.
Really? But eggs touching toast is gross? That is one wavy line.
Step two, check all remaining family members.
You're good.
You, too.
All clear.
Mmm.
Did you just moan during a lice check? If you're into it, yeah.
Step three is to kill those little bastards the lice, not the kids.
Maybe the kids.
It's like there's a village.
You'd have to get lice for a very long time to have as many as I do.
I've got a super swarm.
[Groans.]
[Sighs.]
Step four, shock and awe.
[Exhales deeply.]
Lice get everywhere and on everything.
They're the glitter of the bug world.
- I'm going to Melanie's house.
- Wait.
I was hoping that we could bond.
We'll never get this time back or be able to make these memories again.
Nah, that's okay.
C'mon, we can make a batch of cookies, but instead of baking them, we'll just eat the cookie dough.
You can't eat raw eggs.
You'll get sick.
What is wrong with your generation? You won't eat raw eggs or put plastic in the microwave.
Yeah, we also don't like to get lice.
Listen, when things get tough for this family, we don't run.
We stick it out together under one roof.
Oh, really? Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Tell that to Dad.
What a total [bleep.]
! I love your father.
What do you think you're doing? During the State of the Union, a "designated survivor" is sent to an undisclosed location so they can lead the country in the event everyone is wiped out in an attack.
This is exactly like that, except with lice.
And a tent.
With Nutter Butters.
How can I convince Taylor to stay and bond with me if you're out here pitching a tent? - [Chuckles.]
- Oh, grow up, Greg.
Hey, if lice get in these locks, they're not getting out.
- Remember when - Yeah, yeah, Paul Mitchell stopped you on the street and told you he had never seen such texture and definition.
It was texture and volume.
I only have a two-week window to get in all the bonding time I can, because, when she gets her license, she's gone.
And you know how I know that? Because that's what I did.
I got my license, got a job, and then quit to follow Prince and the Evolution.
- Don't you mean Revolution? - No.
Evolution.
They were a Prince knock-off band that owned the Panhandle.
[Sighs.]
What am I going to do? Hey, remember the coupon book she gave you for Mother's Day? Yes.
With all those cute activities.
Such a sweet gesture.
It's one of my most treasured possessions.
Yeah, I saw it smushed up in the back of the junk drawer.
You bond with Taylor.
I'll do some father/son bonding out here with Oliver.
- Where is he? - He said he'd be right back.
Hopefully some camping with his old man will help him realize there's more to life than material pursuits.
Oliver: Wow! - This is your TV nook? - [Laughs.]
You know, every time I try to find the main TV room, I end up in the bowling alley.
So, you haven't touched this place since you got arrested in the '90s? [Laughs.]
Who's TLC? A rad girl band.
They actually played my birthday just before I was arrested.
I told "Left Eye" the story of how I torched that warehouse.
Looking back, I worry I planted a seed.
Is it true you dated Daryl Hannah? Post-"Splash," pre-"Wall Street.
" Undeniably her sweet spot.
But my heart belonged to someone else a man, in fact by the name of Benjamin Franklin.
I still get goose bumps every time I look at that beautiful bald, green head.
Wow.
We have the same taste in men.
I'm gonna give you some advice on how to get rich.
Money needs to be your first, your second, and your third love.
Fourth can be a Russian model who needs a visa.
Do you have, like, a pen and paper or something? - Yeah.
- [Doorbell rings.]
That's probably my parole officer.
Coming! Hi.
You must be Spencer Blitz.
Of course I am.
I'm Greg Otto from next door.
I was looking for my son, Oliver.
Come on in.
Thank you.
Hey, Dad.
Spencer was just telling me a story about how he manipulated the Malaysian housing market for a huge profit.
You got one hell of a son here.
I look at him, and I see a younger, less-tan version of myself.
I hope one day I can follow in your footsteps.
But not to jail.
Am I right? Yeah, well, federal prison's not so bad.
He told me Allenwood had a golf course.
That's where I spent the summer.
- I winter-prisoned in Arizona.
- Amazing.
But it wasn't worth it, because he had to give back all that money when he was caught stealing.
Well, what your dad says is true.
I'm down to my last several hundred million.
It's tough to look at those statements.
Okay, we'd love to stay and talk, but Oliver and I have to get going.
We do? We're doing some backyard camping.
- Yeah, but - That sounds nice.
Go with your dad.
You can come visit me anytime.
You know, I n I never had a family.
I was too busy making money.
And it's hard to live with regret.
Regret? Oh, no, sorry, I had the wrong inflection.
I never had a family.
I was too busy making money! Mama? Will you take the middle out of my fidget spinner for me? Didn't you just ask me to put it back in? Uh-huh.
[Sighs.]
I can't find anything in this junk drawer.
Heads up, honey.
Why do I have to have my hair in braids? You have to do it after you treat for lice.
[Gasps.]
The coupon book! Ew.
Stuck to an old Life Saver.
That I won't eat until I'm alone.
You keep itching.
Do you have head pets, too? No.
Of course not.
[Chuckles.]
Can you hand me that fork? Mamas do this sometimes.
Oliver, I know Spencer has made a lot of money, but that came at a huge price.
In life, there are no shortcuts.
The only way to really make it is to get a job and work hard.
- I actually took a job this afternoon.
- Oh, doing what? Running errands for Spencer until he's legally permitted to step outside a half-mile radius of his property.
[Beeper beeps.]
That's him right now.
- Is that a beeper? - Isn't it cool? It's like a cellphone, only it does nothing.
I've got to roll.
Spencer asked me to get Crystal Pepsi and something called mousse.
- Katie: Where are you going? - [Gasps.]
- I told you, to Melanie's.
- No, you're not.
Because I am redeeming the Mother's Day coupons you gave me.
Don't be weird.
I gave those to you - when I was like 10.
- I don't see an expiration date.
[Gasps.]
Here's one for an ice cream "zunday" [Voice breaking.]
spelled with a Z.
I am not hanging out in a house crawling with bugs.
I have that problem under control.
Yeah? Then why do you keep itching your head? I'm not itching.
I'm stimulating the follicles because of female-pattern baldness.
It's coming for you, too.
Oh, my God.
The top of my head is just lice with some hair around it.
You can't make me hang out in a lice-infested house.
You're losing her, Katie.
Do something.
Taylor, wait! Should I? No.
And yet I'm doing it.
Lice hat! Now we're infested together.
Oh, my God! Have you gone insane?! I will take my 10 free hugs inside, please.
What's it like on the inside? Taylor totally ignored me while I was combing lice out of her hair.
Now she's holed up in her room and won't come out.
Huh.
Weird.
I guess you could try giving her bedbugs.
It was a spur-of-the-moment decision.
Besides, Oliver has become a runner for a criminal on your watch.
Okay, we've both made mistakes.
Am I crazy for trying to force Taylor to spend mother/daughter time? No, I get it.
You're just anxious because, before you know it - Subaru commercial - Subaru commercial.
Okay.
How are you gonna handle the Oliver situation? Well, if I forbid him from seeing Spencer, it's just gonna make him want to go over there more, so I'm gonna have a chat with Spencer and set some ground rules.
What's your move with Taylor? I'm gonna go get some advice from Angela and Doris.
So if it goes wrong, I can blame them.
It's nice to see I'm not the only one you use that technique on.
Yeah, but don't worry.
You'll always be my favorite person to blame.
That's sweet.
I don't know what to do.
Taylor grew up overnight and doesn't want to spend time with me, and Anna-Kat gave me lice.
You have lice?! [Gasps.]
Lice braids! Had lice past tense.
Combed 'em all out.
Combing doesn't always work the first time.
I can't believe you hugged me.
So what?! I'm supposed to not go to restaurants and hug my friends when I have lice? Uh, yes.
Doris, say something.
I'm three months pregnant.
- What? - What? So I also have a parasite sucking the nutrients out of my body.
How did that happen? I was in bed guzzling Chardonnay and watching Michael Phelps race a shark.
Then I got so worked up that I jumped Richard like it was the 17th of the month! That's our bone day.
Oh, my God.
- How are you feeling? - Pissed! Pissed that I'm about to have my fourth child! I had eight years until my youngest left for Princeton September 10, 2025.
Then I would jet off to Majorca, find a little villa on a cliff, learn to sculpt, maybe take a lover possibly my sculpting teacher.
Now this little creature moved my finish line.
By the time I get to Majorca, I'm gonna be so old that my sculpting teacher is gonna rebuff my aggressive advances.
Look, I come from a place where everything happens for a reason.
This may not be part of your plan, but it's obviously part of the universe's plan.
Oh! I see.
So if I poke you hard with this fork, is that also part of the universe's plan? - Is it, Angela?! - Don't be mad at me.
I'm not the one who uses "rarely having sex" as a form of birth control.
Should I have another baby, get a fresh start? Are you crazy?! I'm not having a baby.
I have to figure out a way to get closer to the one I have.
They're looking at you.
Say something.
- Diaphragm.
- Exactly.
Whew! I got lucky on that one.
What else was in that coupon book? What am I gonna do, pillow fight? I could come up with something better than that.
Pillow fight! What the hell are you doing? Having the time of our lives! I could hit you all day.
I lied.
That's exhausting.
[Groans.]
No wonder sorority girls are in such good shape.
- Are we done? - Look, I'm sorry.
I just want to spend time with you.
That's why I broke out the old coupon book you gave me.
Why didn't you just use them when I gave them to you? I don't actually know.
Anna-Kat: Mama! Will you squeeze the toothpaste on my toothbrush? Sure, honey! Just so you know, that's why.
What's that supposed to mean? You never used them because you were always so distracted by Anna-Kat.
I mean, I get it.
She's had issues has issues.
But she's eight now.
She can put on her own toothpaste and take the crust off her toast.
I've seen her do it.
Have you seen her put the center back in the fidget spinner? Only about a million times.
Anna-Kat.
Taylor, honey, I feel terrible.
Tell you what.
I will let you have one free hit.
Never let your guard down! Oh, hey, Greg.
I was expecting Oliver.
I sent him out for some lobster.
Got nostalgic for prison food.
I can't believe my tax dollars paid for that.
You pay taxes? [Laughs.]
Greg, I know why you're here.
You're afraid I'm going to corrupt your boy.
Yes.
He looks up to you, and whether I like it or not, you're a bit of a role model to him.
Well, that's that's understandable.
I'd feel the same way about me if I had just moved in next to myself.
I will say, your confidence is quite intoxicating.
I've been drunk on it since birth.
You don't want me hanging around him.
- If that's what you want, I'll respect it.
- Thank you.
But you should know he's been a real great asset to me.
He has? I'm not used to showing weakness because, in business, it could cost you money.
In prison, well, you end up with a terrible tee time.
I must admit, I've been a bit lost since I got out.
Things have changed.
Do you know there's no longer Blockbuster Video? Yeah.
I miss Gerald's employee picks.
He and I were really simpatico.
Oliver's getting me back up to speed.
He's a really great kid, and that's because he has great parents.
I feel like you're manipulating me.
A little.
So, what's it gonna take? What do you mean? How much to make you change your mind? $10,000? You can't pay me to hang out with my son.
$1 million.
- Seriously? - No.
But now that I know there's a price, my lawyer will be in touch.
Ugh.
Okay.
Anna-Kat, chalk down.
The days of me doing everything for you are over.
New rule if you can do it, you're doing it.
For example, I know you can put toothpaste on your own toothbrush.
Taylor! You can also start your own banana, stick a straw in a juice box, and put on your own tights.
Am I clear? [Sighs.]
Yes.
Good.
[Sniffles, voice breaking.]
Okay, Mama.
[Sniffles.]
I'll just start doing everything all by myself.
Nice try, but I know you can turn on and off the waterworks like that.
Oliver! [Door closes.]
Listen, I no longer want you hanging out with Spencer.
He's not the type of person we want you learning from.
Who said anything about learning? Dad, Spencer's an old man.
He's alone and has nobody in his life.
I'm happy to hang out with him and run errands.
Oh, so you're looking out for him? Yeah, let me finish.
Once I become his confidante and best friend, I could also become his sole heir.
And that might pay off sooner rather than later, based on the amount of aspartame he consumes.
- Oliver, I don't think that - Spencer has no family.
But you know who does? You do, big guy.
And it's a great family.
Now, let's do some backyard camping.
I feel like you're manipulating me.
A little.
I feel like I failed her as a mom.
Just so you know, if we never had Anna-Kat, Taylor would be telling you you're smothering her with attention and ruining her life.
There's no winning in parenting.
I'm certainly not winning with Oliver.
Don't feel bad.
It's just Oliver's nature.
- I don't like it.
- Neither do I.
We need to treat him like a dog on a leash.
He's gonna try sniffing around, but he needs to feel the tension of us always yanking him back.
- Maybe we should cut ourselves more slack.
- Yeah.
None of our kids are on drugs or have face tattoos, and we've never lost track of a child for more than two hours.
You put it that way, we're killing it.
So let's put it that way.
Thanks for making me feel better.
Anytime.
[Smooches.]
- Raw cookie dough is so good.
- Right? Totally worth playing diarrhea roulette for this.
[Both laugh.]
Thank you for talking to Anna-Kat.
Of course.
I guess I was spending so much time on your little sister that our time got lost in the mix.
I'm so sorry, sweetie.
I really am.
Thanks, Mom.
If I could do it all over again, I would've given you more attention and fewer bugs.
[Both laugh.]
Anna-Kat: Mama! You're a big girl! I'm sure, whatever it is, you can figure it out on your own.
Okay! I don't know what to do with you little guys.
I can't keep you alive without a warm human host.
Welcome home.
I got some maternity clothes for the new mama.
They're really just shirts I've grown out of.
I'm sorry for giving you guys lice.
But it could've been anybody.
All right.
I'm sorry to you, too.
[Thud.]
[Groans.]