Animals. (2016) s02e04 Episode Script
Squirrels.
1 Ca-caw! Ca-caw! Yeah, I don't know, Nirvana was good, but I think Third Eye Blind really defined modern rock.
Yeah, just focus on the work and then we can talk after it.
I'm focused on the work.
You know how we live and die by the Yelp reviews, right? That's why I think we're really good business partners because you're doing a great job with the nitty-gritty.
You're an underling.
You're an employee at best.
Look, it doesn't matter.
My expertise really lies in the piece de la Christmas Pièce de résistance.
Of all catered events: the three-tier, stainless-steel La Voni Fountain XL.
If I turn this puppy to 11, I could blow your head clean off.
And I'll do it, too.
- Chill.
- All right? You're threatening me.
I stepped over the line.
Phil? Hey, Phil? Have you guys by any chance seen, like, a little kid? Probably got, like, snot coming out of his nose.
- You know what I mean? - What the fuck, Mike? - Oh, there you are.
- You calling me a snot-nosed kid? You do have a little bit of a I don't have anything, dude Okay, so what? Mike, let's go.
Oh, like nobody never had no boogies coming out of their nose, like they do that.
You know, I think the boys are just having trouble accepting it.
- Oh, yeah.
- I mean, I get it.
It must be so weird - to watch your mom get remarried.
- That's true.
But, you know, I love Pat.
- He's a great guy.
- I love him so much.
What do you think about something like this? Oh.
Do you really think this works? Haha, I guess everyone's an expert when it comes to their wedding day.
I'll be right back.
I need a cigarette.
Get off of me, dude.
- Okay? - Just hurry up.
God.
- I'm walking, Michael! - Are those my boys? - Yes, Mommy.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh! Hey, Mom.
I wanna see! I wanna see! Oh, you look adorable! Yeah.
Adorable in our monkey suits.
Mom, I look like a 1920s paperboy.
This is ridiculous.
That's the theme of the wedding.
- I feel stifled.
- I feel like a doll.
- Can we cheer up, huh? - It's impossible.
- Can we try? - Impossible.
For one day? It's a celebration, okay? I don't think it's a celebration at all.
It feels like my whole life's getting flipped upside down, and I'm not gonna be the baby of the family anymore.
Boys, can I promise you something? I'm seconds away from a tantrum.
Go ahead, Mommy, I'm sorry.
You guys will always be my little boys.
- Okay? - Well, Mom, we would be remiss if we didn't say you look beautiful on your bright, shining day.
- Thank you, Mike.
- You look very pretty.
Your eyes are really Wow, what shade of eye shadow is that? You're not using my makeup, Mike.
- What, I'm just asking? - And I have something else to say, too.
All right.
I love you.
This means a ton to me.
Now go have fun.
Don't get messy.
Mom, Mike's trying to get a cigarette - from the hairdresser! - Michael! Cool.
Mike, give me your eyeliner.
I'm gonna tag this fucking photo of Pat.
See, when you're drawing a penis, you don't want to make the shaft too big, or else it just looks unrealistic.
I personally think he'd look better with a gap tooth.
Maybe double horns.
A dick? That's a little bit on the nose.
Pat.
Our new stepdad.
I thought I smelled you.
Okay, Pat, we get it.
You're cool and you're relating to us, whatever.
Just give me the freaking ring or whatever I need for this gay little ring boy walk.
Yeah, actually, ahem, Phil, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
Since you're in charge of the music Check! Check! Oh, God, no! Phil, Mike, 'sup, dudes? Thanks for the gig, man.
Yeah, we thought it'd only be fair if Mason was the ring boy.
Thank you, Daddy.
Oh, my God.
M-A-S-O-N is the R-I-N-G B-O-Y, ring boy! Can you believe it's already the big day? Ugh, Mason, get off me.
You stink.
- I'm excited.
- Mason, get off of me.
- Hugs.
- I'm not gonna hug you.
Fucking Mason's really replacing me as the ring boy, Pat? Can I help it that I'm younger, and my eyes are bigger, and my voice is higher? Your voice is not higher than mine, Mason! Look at this.
It's so high, you can't even hear.
It's like a dog whistle.
That dog just did a backflip.
Mason, you listen to me, okay? You're not gonna be my brother, and you'll never be my brother.
Mikey's my only brother.
Right, Mikey? Wow.
Marilyn Manson took out one of his ribs to suck his own dick.
Fucking genius.
Mason, stay out of my way! Don't see me as a threat, boys.
Whatever.
Mike, let's go.
He shoved a fucking fork in his eye 'cause he thought a fake eye would look cool.
And it does.
It does look cool.
Hmm.
Um, excuse me, is this the Macciano-Gelburg wedding? Whoa.
Tha That's my mommy getting married at the wedding.
Um, my mommy is the one - Are you okay? - Yeah.
Ahem.
Yes, it is.
What's your name? 'Kay, well, I'm Sandy.
I'm gonna call you the male witch.
- Mm-hmm.
- Because you're wearing makeup, - you have your nails painted - Right.
You haven't identified yourself, which is what, like, a suicide bomber might do, so this is freaking me out a bit.
Okay, I think we have, like, a fundamental misunderstanding of my dark aesthetic.
- See, I'm goth, okay? - Huh? Wow.
How do I describe goth to someone who doesn't know it? Are you a musician? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I am a musi mus - I make music.
- Oh, my God.
Did you write a song for your mom's wedding? That would be so sweet.
Of course I did.
'Cause I'm a musician, so why wouldn't I write a song for my mom's wedding? Oh, you're performing a song for your mom? It's all written and everything, too.
Why am I saying that? I'll be totally honest, when I first saw you, I thought you were this, like, weird dickhead - wearing black makeup, - Mmm.
No.
now I think you're king of a sweet songwriter.
That's cool.
Stay strong, Mikey, this is going so well.
And the fact that you care about your mom so much, I I don't know, it kind of makes me want to cry.
Seeing her cry is making me tear up.
Don't cry, Mikey, don't cry.
Wow.
Okay, well, I can't wait to hear it.
Cool.
- Okay, see you soon.
- Hey, Sandy.
Marilyn Manson, um - I'm sorry? - Sucked my dick.
Heh.
Whoa.
Hey, everybody, I'm here.
I'm just getting ready for my big walk down the aisle.
Oh, is that Aunt Judy? I look cute? Stop it.
Uncle Chris! Have you lost weight? Maybe he gained it? Comment below if you think Uncle Chris has gained weight.
It's a regular who's who of the squirrel community here today.
We got Mike, Uncle Ben, Cho-Cho, Ribbles, Fimp, Mark.
And who's this little fuckhead? Oh, it's Phil.
Fucking stupid-ass wedding.
And the thing, and then that'll come down and it'll fucking chop his fucking head off.
- What are you drawing? - What?! I'm not drawing anything, Mason.
- What are you doing under here? - Looks like something.
- It's none of your business, okay? - Can I look at it? Mason, personal space, man.
Six inches at least.
Well, there's not gonna be much personal space when we're brothers.
Brothers hang out, they share bunk beds, - they share cereal.
- Mason, we're never gonna share bunk beds, okay? I'm on the top bunk, Mike's on the bottom bunk.
Oh, my God.
You stink of milk.
Is that all you drink? I can't wait until it's mother's breast milk.
Mason, my mommy is not lactating anymore.
You know there's some reports when a woman is around a younger force that the body just begins to naturally lactate.
And if she starts drippin', I'm gonna be lickin'.
Mason, you're not gonna drink any of my mommy's breast milk! You got that? You're no longer the baby.
You realize that, right? I'm the baby, gotta love me.
I get the most presents, the most attention, the most love.
Love isn't a tangible thing and you know that.
Come on, Mason, just 'cause you're ring boy doesn't mean you're replacing me.
I'm thinking maybe I'll do just some classic ring bearer moves.
Maybe half-way down the aisle, I'll get nervous and I'll turn around.
Probably get a few ahhs and oohs from that.
And then I just hope I don't trip.
I won't, but I guess it'd be kinda cute if I tripped.
Screw you, Mason.
I'm getting out of here.
I'm onto you, Phil.
You're not gonna ruin my big day, you little poopy boy! Yeah, Phil! Get out of here, ya poop-ass! Haha.
Who is that, man? Oh, he's my new stepbrother.
And he's up to no good.
I'm gonna keep an eye on him.
Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Heh.
You're a funny little guy.
Gotta write a song.
Gotta write a song.
Okay, here we go.
My blood is so red My blood is so red Mike, Mike, Mike, shut up, dude.
Why are you singing "Happy Birthday?" It's a wedding.
Is that "Happy Birthday"? Fuck.
Whatever, dude, here's the plan.
I'm gonna pop off a cork from a champagne bottle and it'll hit Pat in the head, knocking him unconscious.
While I'm doing that, I need you to half nelson Mason.
You got that? - Okay, Phil? - That's an arm bar that goes like this, Mike, that'll knock him right out.
After that we we flank the side, flip over the appetizer table, bada-bing, bada-boom, we got ourselves a little home base.
From there we pick off Pat's family one-by-one.
- Phil - And then we rescue mom, and we go home, and forget this ever happened.
What do you say? Put it there.
Put it there, big bro.
Phil, you need to grow up, man.
You're acting like a little kid.
What are you talking about? What, are you Team Pat and Mason all of a sudden? You're a freaking traitor, all right, dude? You're a Judas.
You're a harlot.
You're a Benedict Arnold.
You're Harry in Dumb and Dumber.
- I'm not Harry.
- Yes, you are, dude.
And I'm fucking Lloyd Christmas and you're leaving me in Nebraska.
Wake up, man! Okay? This is happening whether you like it or not.
No, it didn't happen yet! We can still stop it, Mike.
Mom is in love with Pat, all right? Whatever.
Plus maybe love isn't so gay after all.
That's something I'm exploring.
Hey, Phil, give me a word that rhymes with abyss.
Other than piss, 'cause I've already went through - Ugh! - Oww! - Are you fucking serious, dude? - Come on, let's go! We need to have it out.
Let's just get it out.
God, screw you! Get the fuck off me, Mike! Think you can come at me like that? 'Cause I'm wearing black contacts? - Are you kidding me? - Oww, dude, fucking Fuck you, Mike! Fuck you, dude.
If I have a bloody lip, I'm seriously gonna kick your ass, Phil.
I'm serious.
Oh, hi, Grandma.
No, we were just playing.
Grandma, I'm fine! Leave me alone! I love you, Grandma.
That should be the right velocity to take someone's freaking head off.
Ooh, I love being a scamp.
Modern day Dennis the Menace, modern day Bart Simpson.
That's a bad boy, Philly.
What Mason! I'm gonna put one of these tacks down on everybody's chair, and then poof, I guess the wedding's gonna be ruined.
Haha, 'cause no one's able to sit.
Not on my watch.
Fuck you, Mason.
I'm just gonna put these whoopee cushions secretly down on each one of these chairs.
I don't think so.
Aargh, Mason! - Nu-uh-uh.
- Mason! - Nope.
- Mason! - Not today.
- Mason! - I don't think so.
- Mason.
Fuck off! Oh, Phil, you have given me the greatest gift.
No, Mason.
Just be quiet.
No, no, don't cry.
- Don't cry, Mason.
- Bottom lip - trembling.
- It's okay, you're fine.
- Tears forming.
- You're fine.
- You're fine, Mason.
- Point of no return.
Waah! Daddy! What's going on over here? Mason, are you okay? Phil just pushed me! Philip, is that true? He's fine.
He's faking it.
These are 100% real tears.
- Mason! - It's 'cause he's older and he's getting more strength by the day.
He doesn't even know his own strength! All right.
Let's go inside.
Philip, follow me, buster.
How could you do this to me, Phil? It's fine, he's fine.
How could you do this to me? I wanna stop crying, but I can't.
It hurts so much.
Philip, I know you think Mason is a little bit, um coddled.
But that's because when he was born, well, he was really sick.
Yeah.
His mom, before she passed, she had some troubles.
She was taking pills while she had Mason in her belly, so when the dude came out, I mean, his head was like, it was soft, and he kinda smelled like liquor.
And I guess, ever since then, well, I maybe pampered him a bit.
I'm over-protective of him, I guess.
I know he's a lot to handle sometimes, but - Daddy? - At the end of the day, I just think he's happy to be here.
He's happy to be alive.
Isn't that right, Mason? Yeah, yeah, I'm just happy to be here.
I just wanna be a good ring boy, that's all.
So ahem Let me get this straight.
Just because your dead wife was a pill-popping bimbo, that means you get to fuck my mom with your stupid cock-ass?! Dad, what's a cock-ass? No, dude, okay, that's it.
We're gonna go see your mother now.
Get your fucking paws off me! So stupid! Fucking Mike left me! Mom's getting married to Pat, and Mason's a piece of shit! And I fucking hate it! Oh, that stuff makes me shit.
What are you doing here? What are you doing here? What's all that white stuff around your nose? What did you do to this room? It's destroyed.
Are you rabid or something? No Old Ben, it's just like, my mom's freaking marrying this new dude.
She didn't even ask me, she's just doing it.
Phil, do you still have that pen I gave you? Which pen? In episode 109.
Oh, right, of course.
Never leave home without it.
You know, people think of love as something permanent, something that lasts forever.
- Well, it doesn't.
- What do you mean? If love is built on something weak Oh, here we go.
Oh, God.
It breaks apart.
But, my dear boy, if love is built on something strong It slid right off of it.
- Still there.
- Still there.
Now I've seen a lot of love in my life, and I think what your mother and this Pat fellow have is a strong foundation to build on.
I really do.
So you better get the fuck over it.
- Okay.
- Here's your pen.
- Thank you.
- Keep the bottle.
Wait, this is alcohol.
I can't drink this, - I'm a little kid - It's schnapps, you little fairy! - Relax.
- Okay.
And if you tell anyone I didn't wash my hands, I'll beat the shit out of you.
Okay, Old Ben.
Jeez Louise.
- Aaa-hahaha! - There's the laugh.
- Classic.
- Oh! I did too much coke! Ooh, peach.
I gotta admit, it's pretty good.
Oh.
Feeling a light drowsiness come over me.
Feels like I'm wearing a jacket inside of my skin.
I feel relaxed, I feel at peace.
I feel a little depressed.
If I just go ahead and lay my head back for a few seconds and just catch a few Hey y'all.
Mason's here.
Talking to you straight from my daddy's wedding.
Been a crazy day.
Been trying to fit in with Phil and Mike, my two new older brothers.
Phil's being a poopy-pants.
Guess he's threatened by me.
No surprises.
If you think Phil's being a jerk, comment down below.
Let me know.
Hey, there, ma'am, can I get you a drink? Can I have a Shirley Temple? - Absolutely.
Coming right up.
- Thank you.
She's perfect.
Aah! Oh, my God! - What's up? - Oh, it's you.
Sorry.
You were just staring at me.
Oh, I was just, like, next in - line.
Sorry about - Oh, God.
- I didn't - I cannot wait to see you play live.
I've built it up in my head so much.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, the pressure's pretty high, huh? Yes, of course.
You know what, let me get out of your hair.
- I can't wait.
- Cool.
Oh, shit.
Okay, everybody, three minutes until we walk, three minutes! - Hey, Ty.
- Hey, Mike.
Yeah, Phil's brother, right? Um, well, actually, it's Phil would be my brother because I'm the older one, so Where is Phil? That guy rules, man.
Hey, um, Ty, can I ask you something? Uh, yeah, sure.
- It's a little bit personal.
- Shoot, man.
I'm trying to write a song for a girl.
Do you have, like, any tips that could maybe, help me out? I just can't write a song for the life of me.
Well, you just gotta write from your heart, man.
That's what all great songwriters do.
Write from your heart.
So you're saying, if I just be myself and trust my own instincts, inspiration will strike.
And no amount of practice or years of doing it will really make a difference.
- Exactly.
- Yes.
- Believe in yourself, Mikey.
- Thanks, Ty.
Okay, the procession has started.
Music! Okay, uh, everybody, it's go time.
Ready? Here we go.
All right.
Cronin, focus up! One, two, three, four! - Wow.
- Pat, she looks beautiful.
She's a stunner.
And I'm allowed to say that 'cause I'm a priest.
'Cause I'm kinda out of the game, so As hot as your wife is, God is a lot hotter.
Heh.
We'll put it that way.
Ooh, is it nervous in here? Hey, honey.
Look at all these people just staring at us.
- It's fucking weird, right? - It's so crazy.
- I'm super excited.
- Um, where's Phil? Yeah, oh, um, sorry.
There was kind of a Well, there was, like, an incident.
- What? - Look, I don't know.
I mean, the guy took off, I can't find him.
- What, what do you mean? - I'm like, "hello, hello," he doesn't respond.
- What? - And now, ladies and gentlemen, if you'd please turn your attention to the back, it is time for Mason, the ring boy! All right, y'all.
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two One! It's the moment that's bigger than the actual nuptials themself, it's Mason! It is time for the ring It's time for the ring And a little cutie-pie is bringing it Holy shit, Mason from YouTube.
You rule, man! Where are those lasers coming from? This kid understands production value.
Natalie, you're behind.
You gotta make the snaps snap.
You're making the snap crap.
Why did we rehearse if you're just gonna fuck up? Pick it up.
Check it out, a full-on backflip.
Whoa! Aah! Keep going.
Just No.
You're making it weird by stopping.
Just This kid's hilarious.
Oh Oh! This is not the same feeling as it was before.
- Whoop! - Ha, bitch.
Oh, shit.
Mommy's getting married to the guy.
Oh, boy, I gotta go.
Whoop, okay.
A little bit of "Hey, how are you?" And now we're back.
Mommy! Mom, I'm here Okay, everyone, quiet down, I'm here.
I'm here, we can start going.
Mommy! Mommy? Look how much cuter and younger Mason is than Phil.
I bet he's gonna get so many presents.
I legit hate Phil now.
I love Mason more than either of my real sons.
He's the best.
I agree, honey.
Let's go mush our butts on Philip's bed.
Okay.
Phil is going to hell, to Jewish hell! News flash: Mike's cooler than Phil.
I'm gay! I'm albino.
If I turn this puppy up to 11, I could blow your head clean off with this thing.
Doop, doop, doobidy-doo.
Doo-doo-doo-doop, doopidy-doo.
Doop, doop, doop, doo.
Doop-doop, doop-doop-doo.
Mommy! Oh, there he is.
Oh, fuck.
And when he says, "I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend," he's actually talking about suicide.
Yeah, that's cool, dude.
- Oh, shit.
- What? This little man outside is going all Major Kong on the peanut butter fountain.
Let me see.
Whoa, wait.
No, no.
On, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no! Oh, God, the La Voni Fountain XL.
I'm sorry.
No! No! Whoa! Oh, my God! Eww! Aww.
- Ugh.
- Oh, my God.
What is this crap? - It's chunky.
- Looks like shit, ugh! No! Why?! Why did you do this to me? Because! 'Cause Mason's replacing me, and I fucking hate Pat, Mom.
And if you marry him, well, that means that our real dad's never coming back.
And that's That's not fair.
'Cause 'Cause why did he leave us? Why did Daddy leave us? Am I that bad? Are we Are we that bad? Phil, you're not bad.
Your dad and I weren't right for each other.
He's gone.
And he's not coming back.
I love Pat, and he loves me.
And although you may not be able to tell right now, he loves you and Mike so much.
Is that true, Pat you big bitch? - Sorry, Mommy.
- It's true.
I know things feel real weird right now, but soon we're gonna have a bigger family, and it's gonna be filled with so much love.
More love than you could ever imagine.
- Really? - Yeah.
I promise.
I'm sorry, Mommy.
I'm sorry.
- I kinda ruined your wedding a little bit.
- You did.
You did, but I love you still so much.
I think it will make a good story.
Come here.
- And I love you, too, Pat.
- Mm-hmm.
Like, you smell good, like, you're strong, it feels good when you talk to me, and, like, I need that sort of influence in my life.
Mason, get in here, you little scamp.
You mean it? Aww.
That feels good.
Eww.
You kissed my chest.
Um, uh, hey, everyone.
This seems like a good moment for me to jump in here.
Wow, so many interruptions.
Oh, oh, okay.
Mike has something to say.
The spotlight's on Mike now, I guess.
Whoo! I know him.
He's cool.
I know he doesn't look cool, but he's cool.
Sandy, I know we just met, but I love you.
- Wha - Whoa.
And I want you to be my girlfriend.
- Oh, my God.
- And I wrote this song for you.
Oh, no.
Believe in yourself, Mikey.
The blackness in my soul - Here we go.
- Oh, my God.
Is becoming whiteness He sucks so badly.
I can't handle this eye contact.
Thanks to you Honey, Mike, Michael.
- Yes, Mom? Hi.
- Hi.
Sandy's your cousin.
What? Fuck.
Eww Also, I have a boyfriend.
- You have a boyfriend? - Yeah, look at him, man.
- Hey.
- Look at him.
Good to meet you.
You seem like a good guy.
- He's really tall.
- Yeah, he's real tall.
Now that that's done, can I get married now? Yay! Sorry, do you want me to finish the song or are we She doesn't like you! Let it go! I do.
Yeah, uncle Pat! - Whoo! - We did it! One, two, three, four! You say I'm crazy You say I'm wild You say I'm lazy Like a little child, yeah I'm just another animal I'm just another animal, I'm just another animal I'm just another animal Hey, guys, great job today.
Gotta say, five stars.
Five-star review! Yes, dude! That's perfection.
Get on my shoulders, little guy.
- Hehehe! I like it! - Whoa! Hey, Sandy.
Wow, Mike, looking good.
Thanks.
Hey, would you wanna dance? - With me? - Mm-hmm.
Just like as cousins.
Like, it'd be funny.
- Oh, I don't - You want to cut in? - You know, Joshua, I - It's cool with me.
Oh, he Okay, sure.
Sure.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Who am I to say two cousins shouldn't dance together? So, what do you think you and me Oh, no.
It still feels like incest.
I'm so sorry.
Okay, everybody, let's get in for a picture.
Come on, tall people in the back, short people in the front.
- Here we go.
- All right, squeeze in.
Joshua, get closer.
I need to feel you next to me.
I love you so much.
Well, what do you say, Mikey? Another adventure on the books, huh? I'm just glad we got through it together, you know? I love you, bro.
- Hey, Phil? - What? Honestly, it feels good every time.
And also, why are you dressed up like Ellen DeGeneres? All right, here we go.
Say cheese.
Okay, I will.
Everybody say cheese.
Cheese! All right, I want to see that pit fucking open up out there! It's time to get wild! Mason, you're my little brother now, so I get to tell you what's cool in music.
Ty Segall's the fucking truth! He's fucking wild! Grandma, I wanna see you fucking headwalk, let's go! I need nuts, I need nuts I'm just a squirrel, yeah, I need nuts I need nuts, I need nuts I'm just a squirrel, yeah, I need nuts I need nuts for lunch Doop, doop, doobidy-doo.
Doo-doo-doo-doop, doopidy-doo.
Doop, doop, doop, doo.
Doop-doop, doop-doop-doo.
Yeah, just focus on the work and then we can talk after it.
I'm focused on the work.
You know how we live and die by the Yelp reviews, right? That's why I think we're really good business partners because you're doing a great job with the nitty-gritty.
You're an underling.
You're an employee at best.
Look, it doesn't matter.
My expertise really lies in the piece de la Christmas Pièce de résistance.
Of all catered events: the three-tier, stainless-steel La Voni Fountain XL.
If I turn this puppy to 11, I could blow your head clean off.
And I'll do it, too.
- Chill.
- All right? You're threatening me.
I stepped over the line.
Phil? Hey, Phil? Have you guys by any chance seen, like, a little kid? Probably got, like, snot coming out of his nose.
- You know what I mean? - What the fuck, Mike? - Oh, there you are.
- You calling me a snot-nosed kid? You do have a little bit of a I don't have anything, dude Okay, so what? Mike, let's go.
Oh, like nobody never had no boogies coming out of their nose, like they do that.
You know, I think the boys are just having trouble accepting it.
- Oh, yeah.
- I mean, I get it.
It must be so weird - to watch your mom get remarried.
- That's true.
But, you know, I love Pat.
- He's a great guy.
- I love him so much.
What do you think about something like this? Oh.
Do you really think this works? Haha, I guess everyone's an expert when it comes to their wedding day.
I'll be right back.
I need a cigarette.
Get off of me, dude.
- Okay? - Just hurry up.
God.
- I'm walking, Michael! - Are those my boys? - Yes, Mommy.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh! Hey, Mom.
I wanna see! I wanna see! Oh, you look adorable! Yeah.
Adorable in our monkey suits.
Mom, I look like a 1920s paperboy.
This is ridiculous.
That's the theme of the wedding.
- I feel stifled.
- I feel like a doll.
- Can we cheer up, huh? - It's impossible.
- Can we try? - Impossible.
For one day? It's a celebration, okay? I don't think it's a celebration at all.
It feels like my whole life's getting flipped upside down, and I'm not gonna be the baby of the family anymore.
Boys, can I promise you something? I'm seconds away from a tantrum.
Go ahead, Mommy, I'm sorry.
You guys will always be my little boys.
- Okay? - Well, Mom, we would be remiss if we didn't say you look beautiful on your bright, shining day.
- Thank you, Mike.
- You look very pretty.
Your eyes are really Wow, what shade of eye shadow is that? You're not using my makeup, Mike.
- What, I'm just asking? - And I have something else to say, too.
All right.
I love you.
This means a ton to me.
Now go have fun.
Don't get messy.
Mom, Mike's trying to get a cigarette - from the hairdresser! - Michael! Cool.
Mike, give me your eyeliner.
I'm gonna tag this fucking photo of Pat.
See, when you're drawing a penis, you don't want to make the shaft too big, or else it just looks unrealistic.
I personally think he'd look better with a gap tooth.
Maybe double horns.
A dick? That's a little bit on the nose.
Pat.
Our new stepdad.
I thought I smelled you.
Okay, Pat, we get it.
You're cool and you're relating to us, whatever.
Just give me the freaking ring or whatever I need for this gay little ring boy walk.
Yeah, actually, ahem, Phil, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
Since you're in charge of the music Check! Check! Oh, God, no! Phil, Mike, 'sup, dudes? Thanks for the gig, man.
Yeah, we thought it'd only be fair if Mason was the ring boy.
Thank you, Daddy.
Oh, my God.
M-A-S-O-N is the R-I-N-G B-O-Y, ring boy! Can you believe it's already the big day? Ugh, Mason, get off me.
You stink.
- I'm excited.
- Mason, get off of me.
- Hugs.
- I'm not gonna hug you.
Fucking Mason's really replacing me as the ring boy, Pat? Can I help it that I'm younger, and my eyes are bigger, and my voice is higher? Your voice is not higher than mine, Mason! Look at this.
It's so high, you can't even hear.
It's like a dog whistle.
That dog just did a backflip.
Mason, you listen to me, okay? You're not gonna be my brother, and you'll never be my brother.
Mikey's my only brother.
Right, Mikey? Wow.
Marilyn Manson took out one of his ribs to suck his own dick.
Fucking genius.
Mason, stay out of my way! Don't see me as a threat, boys.
Whatever.
Mike, let's go.
He shoved a fucking fork in his eye 'cause he thought a fake eye would look cool.
And it does.
It does look cool.
Hmm.
Um, excuse me, is this the Macciano-Gelburg wedding? Whoa.
Tha That's my mommy getting married at the wedding.
Um, my mommy is the one - Are you okay? - Yeah.
Ahem.
Yes, it is.
What's your name? 'Kay, well, I'm Sandy.
I'm gonna call you the male witch.
- Mm-hmm.
- Because you're wearing makeup, - you have your nails painted - Right.
You haven't identified yourself, which is what, like, a suicide bomber might do, so this is freaking me out a bit.
Okay, I think we have, like, a fundamental misunderstanding of my dark aesthetic.
- See, I'm goth, okay? - Huh? Wow.
How do I describe goth to someone who doesn't know it? Are you a musician? Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I am a musi mus - I make music.
- Oh, my God.
Did you write a song for your mom's wedding? That would be so sweet.
Of course I did.
'Cause I'm a musician, so why wouldn't I write a song for my mom's wedding? Oh, you're performing a song for your mom? It's all written and everything, too.
Why am I saying that? I'll be totally honest, when I first saw you, I thought you were this, like, weird dickhead - wearing black makeup, - Mmm.
No.
now I think you're king of a sweet songwriter.
That's cool.
Stay strong, Mikey, this is going so well.
And the fact that you care about your mom so much, I I don't know, it kind of makes me want to cry.
Seeing her cry is making me tear up.
Don't cry, Mikey, don't cry.
Wow.
Okay, well, I can't wait to hear it.
Cool.
- Okay, see you soon.
- Hey, Sandy.
Marilyn Manson, um - I'm sorry? - Sucked my dick.
Heh.
Whoa.
Hey, everybody, I'm here.
I'm just getting ready for my big walk down the aisle.
Oh, is that Aunt Judy? I look cute? Stop it.
Uncle Chris! Have you lost weight? Maybe he gained it? Comment below if you think Uncle Chris has gained weight.
It's a regular who's who of the squirrel community here today.
We got Mike, Uncle Ben, Cho-Cho, Ribbles, Fimp, Mark.
And who's this little fuckhead? Oh, it's Phil.
Fucking stupid-ass wedding.
And the thing, and then that'll come down and it'll fucking chop his fucking head off.
- What are you drawing? - What?! I'm not drawing anything, Mason.
- What are you doing under here? - Looks like something.
- It's none of your business, okay? - Can I look at it? Mason, personal space, man.
Six inches at least.
Well, there's not gonna be much personal space when we're brothers.
Brothers hang out, they share bunk beds, - they share cereal.
- Mason, we're never gonna share bunk beds, okay? I'm on the top bunk, Mike's on the bottom bunk.
Oh, my God.
You stink of milk.
Is that all you drink? I can't wait until it's mother's breast milk.
Mason, my mommy is not lactating anymore.
You know there's some reports when a woman is around a younger force that the body just begins to naturally lactate.
And if she starts drippin', I'm gonna be lickin'.
Mason, you're not gonna drink any of my mommy's breast milk! You got that? You're no longer the baby.
You realize that, right? I'm the baby, gotta love me.
I get the most presents, the most attention, the most love.
Love isn't a tangible thing and you know that.
Come on, Mason, just 'cause you're ring boy doesn't mean you're replacing me.
I'm thinking maybe I'll do just some classic ring bearer moves.
Maybe half-way down the aisle, I'll get nervous and I'll turn around.
Probably get a few ahhs and oohs from that.
And then I just hope I don't trip.
I won't, but I guess it'd be kinda cute if I tripped.
Screw you, Mason.
I'm getting out of here.
I'm onto you, Phil.
You're not gonna ruin my big day, you little poopy boy! Yeah, Phil! Get out of here, ya poop-ass! Haha.
Who is that, man? Oh, he's my new stepbrother.
And he's up to no good.
I'm gonna keep an eye on him.
Yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Heh.
You're a funny little guy.
Gotta write a song.
Gotta write a song.
Okay, here we go.
My blood is so red My blood is so red Mike, Mike, Mike, shut up, dude.
Why are you singing "Happy Birthday?" It's a wedding.
Is that "Happy Birthday"? Fuck.
Whatever, dude, here's the plan.
I'm gonna pop off a cork from a champagne bottle and it'll hit Pat in the head, knocking him unconscious.
While I'm doing that, I need you to half nelson Mason.
You got that? - Okay, Phil? - That's an arm bar that goes like this, Mike, that'll knock him right out.
After that we we flank the side, flip over the appetizer table, bada-bing, bada-boom, we got ourselves a little home base.
From there we pick off Pat's family one-by-one.
- Phil - And then we rescue mom, and we go home, and forget this ever happened.
What do you say? Put it there.
Put it there, big bro.
Phil, you need to grow up, man.
You're acting like a little kid.
What are you talking about? What, are you Team Pat and Mason all of a sudden? You're a freaking traitor, all right, dude? You're a Judas.
You're a harlot.
You're a Benedict Arnold.
You're Harry in Dumb and Dumber.
- I'm not Harry.
- Yes, you are, dude.
And I'm fucking Lloyd Christmas and you're leaving me in Nebraska.
Wake up, man! Okay? This is happening whether you like it or not.
No, it didn't happen yet! We can still stop it, Mike.
Mom is in love with Pat, all right? Whatever.
Plus maybe love isn't so gay after all.
That's something I'm exploring.
Hey, Phil, give me a word that rhymes with abyss.
Other than piss, 'cause I've already went through - Ugh! - Oww! - Are you fucking serious, dude? - Come on, let's go! We need to have it out.
Let's just get it out.
God, screw you! Get the fuck off me, Mike! Think you can come at me like that? 'Cause I'm wearing black contacts? - Are you kidding me? - Oww, dude, fucking Fuck you, Mike! Fuck you, dude.
If I have a bloody lip, I'm seriously gonna kick your ass, Phil.
I'm serious.
Oh, hi, Grandma.
No, we were just playing.
Grandma, I'm fine! Leave me alone! I love you, Grandma.
That should be the right velocity to take someone's freaking head off.
Ooh, I love being a scamp.
Modern day Dennis the Menace, modern day Bart Simpson.
That's a bad boy, Philly.
What Mason! I'm gonna put one of these tacks down on everybody's chair, and then poof, I guess the wedding's gonna be ruined.
Haha, 'cause no one's able to sit.
Not on my watch.
Fuck you, Mason.
I'm just gonna put these whoopee cushions secretly down on each one of these chairs.
I don't think so.
Aargh, Mason! - Nu-uh-uh.
- Mason! - Nope.
- Mason! - Not today.
- Mason! - I don't think so.
- Mason.
Fuck off! Oh, Phil, you have given me the greatest gift.
No, Mason.
Just be quiet.
No, no, don't cry.
- Don't cry, Mason.
- Bottom lip - trembling.
- It's okay, you're fine.
- Tears forming.
- You're fine.
- You're fine, Mason.
- Point of no return.
Waah! Daddy! What's going on over here? Mason, are you okay? Phil just pushed me! Philip, is that true? He's fine.
He's faking it.
These are 100% real tears.
- Mason! - It's 'cause he's older and he's getting more strength by the day.
He doesn't even know his own strength! All right.
Let's go inside.
Philip, follow me, buster.
How could you do this to me, Phil? It's fine, he's fine.
How could you do this to me? I wanna stop crying, but I can't.
It hurts so much.
Philip, I know you think Mason is a little bit, um coddled.
But that's because when he was born, well, he was really sick.
Yeah.
His mom, before she passed, she had some troubles.
She was taking pills while she had Mason in her belly, so when the dude came out, I mean, his head was like, it was soft, and he kinda smelled like liquor.
And I guess, ever since then, well, I maybe pampered him a bit.
I'm over-protective of him, I guess.
I know he's a lot to handle sometimes, but - Daddy? - At the end of the day, I just think he's happy to be here.
He's happy to be alive.
Isn't that right, Mason? Yeah, yeah, I'm just happy to be here.
I just wanna be a good ring boy, that's all.
So ahem Let me get this straight.
Just because your dead wife was a pill-popping bimbo, that means you get to fuck my mom with your stupid cock-ass?! Dad, what's a cock-ass? No, dude, okay, that's it.
We're gonna go see your mother now.
Get your fucking paws off me! So stupid! Fucking Mike left me! Mom's getting married to Pat, and Mason's a piece of shit! And I fucking hate it! Oh, that stuff makes me shit.
What are you doing here? What are you doing here? What's all that white stuff around your nose? What did you do to this room? It's destroyed.
Are you rabid or something? No Old Ben, it's just like, my mom's freaking marrying this new dude.
She didn't even ask me, she's just doing it.
Phil, do you still have that pen I gave you? Which pen? In episode 109.
Oh, right, of course.
Never leave home without it.
You know, people think of love as something permanent, something that lasts forever.
- Well, it doesn't.
- What do you mean? If love is built on something weak Oh, here we go.
Oh, God.
It breaks apart.
But, my dear boy, if love is built on something strong It slid right off of it.
- Still there.
- Still there.
Now I've seen a lot of love in my life, and I think what your mother and this Pat fellow have is a strong foundation to build on.
I really do.
So you better get the fuck over it.
- Okay.
- Here's your pen.
- Thank you.
- Keep the bottle.
Wait, this is alcohol.
I can't drink this, - I'm a little kid - It's schnapps, you little fairy! - Relax.
- Okay.
And if you tell anyone I didn't wash my hands, I'll beat the shit out of you.
Okay, Old Ben.
Jeez Louise.
- Aaa-hahaha! - There's the laugh.
- Classic.
- Oh! I did too much coke! Ooh, peach.
I gotta admit, it's pretty good.
Oh.
Feeling a light drowsiness come over me.
Feels like I'm wearing a jacket inside of my skin.
I feel relaxed, I feel at peace.
I feel a little depressed.
If I just go ahead and lay my head back for a few seconds and just catch a few Hey y'all.
Mason's here.
Talking to you straight from my daddy's wedding.
Been a crazy day.
Been trying to fit in with Phil and Mike, my two new older brothers.
Phil's being a poopy-pants.
Guess he's threatened by me.
No surprises.
If you think Phil's being a jerk, comment down below.
Let me know.
Hey, there, ma'am, can I get you a drink? Can I have a Shirley Temple? - Absolutely.
Coming right up.
- Thank you.
She's perfect.
Aah! Oh, my God! - What's up? - Oh, it's you.
Sorry.
You were just staring at me.
Oh, I was just, like, next in - line.
Sorry about - Oh, God.
- I didn't - I cannot wait to see you play live.
I've built it up in my head so much.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, the pressure's pretty high, huh? Yes, of course.
You know what, let me get out of your hair.
- I can't wait.
- Cool.
Oh, shit.
Okay, everybody, three minutes until we walk, three minutes! - Hey, Ty.
- Hey, Mike.
Yeah, Phil's brother, right? Um, well, actually, it's Phil would be my brother because I'm the older one, so Where is Phil? That guy rules, man.
Hey, um, Ty, can I ask you something? Uh, yeah, sure.
- It's a little bit personal.
- Shoot, man.
I'm trying to write a song for a girl.
Do you have, like, any tips that could maybe, help me out? I just can't write a song for the life of me.
Well, you just gotta write from your heart, man.
That's what all great songwriters do.
Write from your heart.
So you're saying, if I just be myself and trust my own instincts, inspiration will strike.
And no amount of practice or years of doing it will really make a difference.
- Exactly.
- Yes.
- Believe in yourself, Mikey.
- Thanks, Ty.
Okay, the procession has started.
Music! Okay, uh, everybody, it's go time.
Ready? Here we go.
All right.
Cronin, focus up! One, two, three, four! - Wow.
- Pat, she looks beautiful.
She's a stunner.
And I'm allowed to say that 'cause I'm a priest.
'Cause I'm kinda out of the game, so As hot as your wife is, God is a lot hotter.
Heh.
We'll put it that way.
Ooh, is it nervous in here? Hey, honey.
Look at all these people just staring at us.
- It's fucking weird, right? - It's so crazy.
- I'm super excited.
- Um, where's Phil? Yeah, oh, um, sorry.
There was kind of a Well, there was, like, an incident.
- What? - Look, I don't know.
I mean, the guy took off, I can't find him.
- What, what do you mean? - I'm like, "hello, hello," he doesn't respond.
- What? - And now, ladies and gentlemen, if you'd please turn your attention to the back, it is time for Mason, the ring boy! All right, y'all.
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two One! It's the moment that's bigger than the actual nuptials themself, it's Mason! It is time for the ring It's time for the ring And a little cutie-pie is bringing it Holy shit, Mason from YouTube.
You rule, man! Where are those lasers coming from? This kid understands production value.
Natalie, you're behind.
You gotta make the snaps snap.
You're making the snap crap.
Why did we rehearse if you're just gonna fuck up? Pick it up.
Check it out, a full-on backflip.
Whoa! Aah! Keep going.
Just No.
You're making it weird by stopping.
Just This kid's hilarious.
Oh Oh! This is not the same feeling as it was before.
- Whoop! - Ha, bitch.
Oh, shit.
Mommy's getting married to the guy.
Oh, boy, I gotta go.
Whoop, okay.
A little bit of "Hey, how are you?" And now we're back.
Mommy! Mom, I'm here Okay, everyone, quiet down, I'm here.
I'm here, we can start going.
Mommy! Mommy? Look how much cuter and younger Mason is than Phil.
I bet he's gonna get so many presents.
I legit hate Phil now.
I love Mason more than either of my real sons.
He's the best.
I agree, honey.
Let's go mush our butts on Philip's bed.
Okay.
Phil is going to hell, to Jewish hell! News flash: Mike's cooler than Phil.
I'm gay! I'm albino.
If I turn this puppy up to 11, I could blow your head clean off with this thing.
Doop, doop, doobidy-doo.
Doo-doo-doo-doop, doopidy-doo.
Doop, doop, doop, doo.
Doop-doop, doop-doop-doo.
Mommy! Oh, there he is.
Oh, fuck.
And when he says, "I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend," he's actually talking about suicide.
Yeah, that's cool, dude.
- Oh, shit.
- What? This little man outside is going all Major Kong on the peanut butter fountain.
Let me see.
Whoa, wait.
No, no.
On, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no! Oh, God, the La Voni Fountain XL.
I'm sorry.
No! No! Whoa! Oh, my God! Eww! Aww.
- Ugh.
- Oh, my God.
What is this crap? - It's chunky.
- Looks like shit, ugh! No! Why?! Why did you do this to me? Because! 'Cause Mason's replacing me, and I fucking hate Pat, Mom.
And if you marry him, well, that means that our real dad's never coming back.
And that's That's not fair.
'Cause 'Cause why did he leave us? Why did Daddy leave us? Am I that bad? Are we Are we that bad? Phil, you're not bad.
Your dad and I weren't right for each other.
He's gone.
And he's not coming back.
I love Pat, and he loves me.
And although you may not be able to tell right now, he loves you and Mike so much.
Is that true, Pat you big bitch? - Sorry, Mommy.
- It's true.
I know things feel real weird right now, but soon we're gonna have a bigger family, and it's gonna be filled with so much love.
More love than you could ever imagine.
- Really? - Yeah.
I promise.
I'm sorry, Mommy.
I'm sorry.
- I kinda ruined your wedding a little bit.
- You did.
You did, but I love you still so much.
I think it will make a good story.
Come here.
- And I love you, too, Pat.
- Mm-hmm.
Like, you smell good, like, you're strong, it feels good when you talk to me, and, like, I need that sort of influence in my life.
Mason, get in here, you little scamp.
You mean it? Aww.
That feels good.
Eww.
You kissed my chest.
Um, uh, hey, everyone.
This seems like a good moment for me to jump in here.
Wow, so many interruptions.
Oh, oh, okay.
Mike has something to say.
The spotlight's on Mike now, I guess.
Whoo! I know him.
He's cool.
I know he doesn't look cool, but he's cool.
Sandy, I know we just met, but I love you.
- Wha - Whoa.
And I want you to be my girlfriend.
- Oh, my God.
- And I wrote this song for you.
Oh, no.
Believe in yourself, Mikey.
The blackness in my soul - Here we go.
- Oh, my God.
Is becoming whiteness He sucks so badly.
I can't handle this eye contact.
Thanks to you Honey, Mike, Michael.
- Yes, Mom? Hi.
- Hi.
Sandy's your cousin.
What? Fuck.
Eww Also, I have a boyfriend.
- You have a boyfriend? - Yeah, look at him, man.
- Hey.
- Look at him.
Good to meet you.
You seem like a good guy.
- He's really tall.
- Yeah, he's real tall.
Now that that's done, can I get married now? Yay! Sorry, do you want me to finish the song or are we She doesn't like you! Let it go! I do.
Yeah, uncle Pat! - Whoo! - We did it! One, two, three, four! You say I'm crazy You say I'm wild You say I'm lazy Like a little child, yeah I'm just another animal I'm just another animal, I'm just another animal I'm just another animal Hey, guys, great job today.
Gotta say, five stars.
Five-star review! Yes, dude! That's perfection.
Get on my shoulders, little guy.
- Hehehe! I like it! - Whoa! Hey, Sandy.
Wow, Mike, looking good.
Thanks.
Hey, would you wanna dance? - With me? - Mm-hmm.
Just like as cousins.
Like, it'd be funny.
- Oh, I don't - You want to cut in? - You know, Joshua, I - It's cool with me.
Oh, he Okay, sure.
Sure.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Who am I to say two cousins shouldn't dance together? So, what do you think you and me Oh, no.
It still feels like incest.
I'm so sorry.
Okay, everybody, let's get in for a picture.
Come on, tall people in the back, short people in the front.
- Here we go.
- All right, squeeze in.
Joshua, get closer.
I need to feel you next to me.
I love you so much.
Well, what do you say, Mikey? Another adventure on the books, huh? I'm just glad we got through it together, you know? I love you, bro.
- Hey, Phil? - What? Honestly, it feels good every time.
And also, why are you dressed up like Ellen DeGeneres? All right, here we go.
Say cheese.
Okay, I will.
Everybody say cheese.
Cheese! All right, I want to see that pit fucking open up out there! It's time to get wild! Mason, you're my little brother now, so I get to tell you what's cool in music.
Ty Segall's the fucking truth! He's fucking wild! Grandma, I wanna see you fucking headwalk, let's go! I need nuts, I need nuts I'm just a squirrel, yeah, I need nuts I need nuts, I need nuts I'm just a squirrel, yeah, I need nuts I need nuts for lunch Doop, doop, doobidy-doo.
Doo-doo-doo-doop, doopidy-doo.
Doop, doop, doop, doo.
Doop-doop, doop-doop-doo.