Are You Being Served? Again! (1992) s02e04 Episode Script

1
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )
( TELEPHONE RINGING )
HELLO,
MILLSTONE MANOR.
WHO DO YOU WANT?
MR. HUMPHRIES.
HANG ON,
I'LL JUST WAKE HIM.
MR. HUMPHRIES?
MR. HUMPHRIES?
- HELLO, MAVIS.
- IT'S YOUR MOTHER.
AT THIS TIME
OF THE MORNING?
SHE'S PROBABLY BEEN
TO ALL NIGHT BINGO.
HELLO, MOTHER.
YES, THAT WAS
A GIRL'S VOICE
YOU HEARD.
YES, SHE'S
THE COOK.
YES, I HELP HER
IN THE KITCHEN.
NO, I'M NO
IN THE KITCHEN NOW,
I'M IN BED.
SHELLING PEAS.
I DON'T WANT HER
TO KNOW TOO MUCH.
NO, SHE'S JUST BROUGH
SOMETHING UP FOR ME.
MY BREAKFAST.
MOTHER,
I'M SITTING UP IN BED
WITH A BOILED EGG
AND HALF A DOZEN SOLDIERS.
HELLO?
HELLO, ARE YOU THERE?
THEY'RE TOAST SOLDIERS,
MOTHER,
TO DIP IN ME EGG,
HA HA!
NOW I BETTER HAVE IT NOW,
OTHERWISE IT'LL GET COLD.
BYE-BYE.
HAVEN'T YOU TOLD HER
THAT WE'RE BUNKING UP
TOGETHER?
SHE'S VERY
OLD-FASHIONED,
MY MOTHER,
SHE THINKS I OUGH
TO SAVE MESELF.
I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME
YOU CASHED YOURSELF IN.
I'VE WAITED SO LONG,
I'D PROBABLY BOUNCE.
NOW DO YOU WANNA
TAKE THE TOP OFF,
OR SHALL I DO IT?
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
YOUR EGG.
YOU'RE JUMPY
THIS MORNING.
I'VE HAD
A VERY DISTURBED
NIGHT, MAVIS.
I DREAMT I WAS MARRIED
TO ELIZABETH TAYLOR.
ME TRUCK HAD GONE
OUT OF CONTROL
DOWN THE AVENUE OF STARS,
I GOT JOAN CRAWFORD
ON THE BONNET,
AND THEN
THE PHONE RANG.
HURRY UP
AND FINISH YOUR EGG.
WE GOTTA HELP DAD
PLANT THE TATERS.
HE'S DONE HIS BACK IN.
( POUNDING )
WHAT'S THAT BANGING?
THAT'D BE CAPTAIN PEACOCK
AND MISS LOVELOCK.
FIXING THE ROOM UP
FOR MISS BRAHMS.
HURRY UP.
THERE ARE A LO
OF OLD PICTURES
MR. GRACE LEFT ME.
THEY MIGHT BE USEFUL
TO COVER UP BLANK WALLS.
I'M NOT SURE
THAT THE PLASTER
WILL HOLD THEM.
OH, LOOK.
THIS IS WILFRED,
THE FOURTH EARL
OF MILLSTONE.
APPARENTLY THERE WAS
A TERRIBLE SCANDAL.
HIS WIFE'S
YOUNGER SISTER, LEONORA,
FELL MADLY
IN LOVE WITH HIM.
LOOK, HE WAS
TERRIBLY HANDSOME.
THEY HAD AN ASSIGNATION
IN THIS VERY ATTIC.
HIS WIFE FOLLOWED THEM
AND SHOT THEM BOTH DEAD.
I THINK THERE'S
A PICTURE OF HER AS WELL.
I'LL GO AND GET IT.
( MELODRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING )
COME IN.
LEONORA!
WILFRED!
CRUSH ME IN
YOUR STRONG ARMS!
ONE WHIFF OF
YOUR HEADY PERFUME
AND REASON FLIES,
LEAVING ME AT THE MERCY
OF UNBRIDLED PASSION!
THIS IS MADNESS,
WILFRED, MADNESS!
I'M CAUGHT LIKE A LEAF
IN THE VORTEX OF OUR LOVE!
PASSION OVERWHELMS ME!
CONSUMMATION
WILL WAIT NO LONGER!
ENOUGH OF WOOING;
NOW, FOR DOING!
( KNOCK ON DOOR )
YOU COULD'VE
LET ME IN.
I'VE GOT AN ARMFUL
OF PICTURES.
OH! HEH
HERE SHE IS
THIS IS THE WIFE.
NO WONDER HE WEN
FOR THE YOUNGER SISTER.
I THINK IT WOULD LOOK
RATHER GOOD OVER HERE.
WE'LL TRY,
ANYWAY.
NOW THEN
ABOUT THERE?
THERE'S A HOLE!
AND IT'S ONLY
COVERED WITH PAPER.
MR. RUMBOLD:
PAY ATTENTION, EVERYBODY.
WE DON'T WANT THIS
POTATO PLANTING BUSINESS
TO TAKE TOO LONG,
SO I DEVISED A SYSTEM
WHICH IS RATHER
MORE MODERN
THAN THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY
OF DOING THINGS.
PERFECTLY SIMPLE
I SHALL DRIVE THE TRACTOR
AND MAKE TWO TRENCHES.
MRS. SLOCOMBE WILL TOW
THE POTATO TRAILER,
MISS BRAHMS WILL SI
ON THE POTATO TRAILER
AND PASS THE POTATOES
TO MR. HUMPHRIES,
WHO WILL PUT THEM
IN THE TRENCHES.
NOW, MR. HUMPHRIES,
PUT THEM IN
14 INCHES APART.
IS THAT CLEAR?
DO I PUT THEM IN WITH
THE EYES DOWN OR THE EYES UP?
I DON'T THINK
IT REALLY MATTERS.
WELL, IF THEY
SPEND A WEEK
TRYING TO DISCOVER
WHICH WAY IS UP,
WE'RE GOING TO GE
A LATE CROP.
OH, VERY WELL.
EYES UP. RIGHT.
TO YOUR POSTS.
IT'S ALL VERY WELL,
BEING SELF SUFFICIENT,
BUT I NEVER THOUGH
I'D SEE MYSELF
ON THE BACK OF A TRAILER
SLINGIN' SPUDS.
IT'S VERY THIRD WORLD,
ISN'T IT?
A TRAILER,
LOOK AT IT.
HASN'T EVEN
GOT A SEAT!
IF YOU LIKE,
MISS BRAHMS,
YOU CAN SIT ON THE TRACTOR,
AND I'LL SIT ON THE POTATOES.
NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
WE DON'T WANT 'EM MASHED
BEFORE THEY GE
INTO THE GROUND.
OH, BOLD!
IF YOU'RE GOING
TO GET UP MY NOSE,
PERHAPS IT'S AS WELL
THAT CAPTAIN PEACOCK
IS FIXING UP
THE SPARE ATTIC FOR YOU.
IS EVERYBODY READY?
ALL:
YES!
START TRACTORS!
( ENGINES STARTING )
TRACTORS ROLL!
MR. HUMPHRIES!
WHERE ARE YOU?
MRS. SLOCOMBE, STOP!
MR. RUMBOLD!
MR. RUMBOLD,
STOP!
MR. HUMPHRIES
HAS BECOME OBSCURED.
OH, DEAR.
IT'LL CLEAR IN A MINUTE.
I CAN'T FIND THE HOLE!
IS IT ALL RIGHT NOW?
I CAN ALMOST SEE
MR. HUMPHRIES NOW.
RIGHT. FORWARD.
HURRY UP,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
YOU'RE GETTING BEHIND.
MISS BRAHMS, SLOW DOWN!
I'VE ONLY GO
ONE PAIR OF HANDS.
NOW, WHAT IS IT
OH!
STOP, MR. RUMBOLD.
STOP!
WE'RE LOSING
MR. HUMPHRIES AGAIN.
WHATEVER'S
THE MATTER WITH YOU,
MR. HUMPHRIES?
UNH.
REALLY!
I DON'T KNOW.
PERFECTLY SIMPLE BUSINESS.
THERE ARE POTATOES
ALL OVER THE PLACE,
HARDLY ANY OF THEM
ARE IN THE TRENCHES,
AND THOSE
THAT ARE
ARE FAR MORE
THAN 14 INCHES APART.
YOU'LL HAVE TO DO
BETTER THAN THAT.
IT'S PERFECTLY SIMPLE,
MERELY A MATTER
OF COORDINATION.
YOUR EYES UP,
POTATO IN TRENCH,
EYES UP, POTATO IN TRENCH,
MOVE 14 INCHES.
EYES UP,
POTATO IN TRENCH,
EYES UP, POTATO IN TRENCH,
MOVE 14 INCHES
TRACTORS ROLL!
PLANTING TATERS ♪
BENEATH MY BOTTOM ♪
AND POOR OLD RUMBOLD ♪
IS SOON FORGOTTEN ♪
HE JUST KEEPS PLANTING ♪
HE KEEPS ON
PLANTING ALONG ♪
IT'S IN HERE.
OH, POOR PUSSY!
I WONDER HOW
IT GOT THERE?
PERHAPS IT WAS
CHASING A MOUSE.
IT LOOKS RATHER SAD.
PERHAPS IT DIDN'
CATCH THE MOUSE.
HOW DID YOU
FIND IT?
WE WERE DECORATING
THE ATTIC
FOR YOU,
MISS BRAHMS.
I'M NOT SLEEPING IN
A ROOM WITH A DEAD CAT!
LOOK, THEY'VE
THEY'VE COVERED IT
COVERED THE HOLE
WITH NEWSPAPER.
IT'S GO
A DATE ON IT.
THIS WOULD INDICATE
THAT THE POOR ANIMAL
HAS BEEN THERE
WELL OVER 200 YEARS.
OH! I'VE NEVER SEEN
ONE OF THOSE BEFORE.
A 200-YEAR-OLD PUSSY.
WHAT ARE WE GOING
TO DO WITH IT?
I THINK WE OUGH
TO GIVE IT A DECENT BURIAL.
SOMEWHERE
NEAR THE CHAPEL
WITH A NICE STONE
OVER IT.
BUT WE DON'T KNOW
ITS NAME.
WELL, IT COULD BE
A TOURIST ATTRACTION.
"THE TOMB OF
THE UNKNOWN PUSSY."
NO, I DON'T THINK
IT SHOULD BE BURIED.
I MEAN, IT COULD
BE OF INTERES
TO THE LOCAL MUSEUM.
OH, YES. I READ ABOU
THAT IN THE PAPER.
THAT'S WHERE THEY PU
THAT FOSSILIZED BOG MAN.
WHERE DID THEY
FIND HIM?
IN A LOCAL BOG.
HAD HE BEEN
THERE LONG?
ABOUT 5,000 YEARS.
I BET THERE WAS
A QUEUE OUTSIDE.
THE POIN
WE'RE TRYING TO MAKE,
MR. HUMPHRIES,
IS THAT OBJECTS
LIKE THIS,
IN A DECENT STATE
OF PRESERVATION,
ARE OF INTERES
TO ANTIQUARIANS,
AND SHOULD NO
BE BURIED.
I'LL MAKE
SOME INQUIRIES.
OH, YES. THERE'S BOUND
TO BE AN ASSOCIATION
FOR THE PRESERVATION
OF PETRIFIED PUSSIES.
LET'S GO AND LOOK
IN THE YELLOW PAGES.
WE'LL LET OUR FINGERS
DO THE WALKING.
IT'S VERY GOOD
OF YOU TO DRIVE US
TO THE MUSEUM,
MISS LOVELOCK.
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'M THE ONLY ONE
WHO KNOWS WHERE IT IS.
YOU HANDLE I
VERY WELL.
WELL, I'D OFTEN DRIVE
MR. GRACE.
HE LOVED THE MOTION,
YOU KNOW?
BOUNCING UP AND DOWN
WHILE I WAS
CRACKING THE WHIP.
YOU KNOW,
DESPITE HIS AGE,
HE WAS AT HIS HAPPIES
WHEN WE WENT FLAT OUT.
I'D LIKE TO TRY
THAT SOMETIME.
OH, IT'S SO ROMANTIC,
TRAVELING ALONG LIKE THIS.
ONE ALMOST EXPECTS
A HANDSOME HIGHWAYMAN
TO LEAP OUT OF A COPSE
ASTRIDE A BLACK HORSE,
WHIP OUT HIS PISTOL
AND SAY, "STAND AND DELIVER."
THAT SHOULD GE
THE ADRENALINE GOING.
ALL YOU'D GE
NOWADAYS
IS SOME YOBBO
ON A LAMBRETTA
WHO SNATCHES
YOUR HANDBAG.
IS THAT CAT ALL RIGHT?
IT'S IN THE BOX.
OH, MISS LOVELOCK?
WOULD YOU TRY
TO AVOID THE POTHOLES?
THESE SEATS ARE
RATHER FIRMLY UPHOLSTERED.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK:
YOU ALL GO AND FIND
THE CURATOR,
AND I'LL PARK
THE HORSE.
TAKE MY HAND,
MRS. SLOCOMBE.
OH, I'M STILL VIBRATING
AFTER THAT COBBLED STREET!
WELL, IT MIGHT BE ROMANTIC,
MRS. SLOCOMBE,
BUT IT'S NO GOOD
FOR THE RHEUMATICS, IS IT?
I'LL TAKE
THE MUMMIFIED MOGGIE.
ARE YOU SURE
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT,
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
I'VE PARKED
CENTURION TANKS,
MISS LOVELOCK.
I THINK
I CAN MANAGE
A SMALL PONY
AND TRAP.
GEE-UP, NEDDY.
COME ON.
DON'T DO ANYTHING
WE'D BE ASHAMED OF.
THERE'S NOBODY HERE.
THERE MUST BE
SOMEONE.
AH.
WE'RE SHUT.
OH, LET ME
HAVE A TRY.
I SAID WE WERE SHUT.
I WISH TO SEE THE CURATOR
OF THIS MUSEUM.
I HAVE A PUSSY
OF GREAT ANTIQUITY,
AND I'D LIKE HIM
TO TAKE A LOOK AT IT.
( BANGING NOISE )
HELLO?
ARE YOU THERE?
YES, YES.
MOST INTERESTING.
WE HAVE A FEW SIMILAR MUMMIFIED
FELINES IN OUR COLLECTION,
AND IT'S IN A REMARKABLE
STATE OF PRESERVATION.
WAS THERE NO
BODY WITH IT?
NONE.
I ASK PURELY, YOU SEE,
BECAUSE MANY YEARS AGO,
IT WAS THE PRACTICE
TO BURY ANIMALS
WITH THEIR MASTERS.
DO YOU KNOW,
WE ONCE DISCOVERED
A SAXON KING BURIED
WITH HIS HORSE!
WELL, THIS WAS
IN THE ATTIC,
THEY'D NEVER HAVE
GOT ONE UP THE STAIRS.
YES, WELL, WE
WILL BE DELIGHTED
TO ACCEPT I
AS AN EXHIBIT.
NOW, WHILE YOU'RE HERE,
WE HAVE ONE OR TWO
OTHER INTERESTING ITEMS.
THIS HERE IS THE TOOTH
OF A MASTODON.
THIS WAS
A VERY LARGE ANIMAL
WHICH ROAMED THESE PARTS
MANY, MANY YEARS AGO,
LONG BEFORE THE ICE AGE,
VERY SIMILAR TO AN ELEPHANT,
ONLY MUCH, MUCH LARGER.
IS THAT ALL
YOU'VE GOT?
THE TAIL WAS FOUND
150 FEET AWAY.
WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE MIDDLE?
WE COULDN'T GET AT THA
WITHOUT DEMOLISHING
THE EXPRESS DAIRY.
NOW, FOLLOW ME.
THIS, THIS IS
VERY INTERESTING.
THIS IS NEFERTITI'S AUNT.
THIS IS PARTICULARLY
INTERESTING HERE,
BUT WE ARE NOT SURE
WHETHER THIS IS PAR
OF THE WING
OF A PTERODACTYL
OR A RATHER OLD UMBRELLA.
I IMAGINE YOU'RE WAITING
WITH BATED BREATH
FOR THE CARBON DATING.
AND THIS
IS THE FAMOUS BOG MAN.
WOULD YOU SAY
HE WAS NEANDERTHAL?
IT'S VERY HARD
TO DATE HIM, YOU SEE.
I SHOULDN'T THINK
ANYONE WOULD WANT TO.
THE ONLY CLUE WE HAVE
ARE THE FLINT IMPLEMENTS
THEY USED AT THE TIME.
WE THINK HE WAS A POTTER.
DO YOU SEE?
HE STILL HAS HIS TOOL
IN HIS HAND.
IT'S VERY WELL PRESERVED.
FUNNY THING
HAPPENED
I WENT UP
TO MILK DAISY,
SHE GIVED
A COUPLE A SQUIRTS,
THEN SHE
DRIED UP.
WELL, THAT NEVER
HAPPENED BEFORE, DAD.
WHAT'RE YA COOKIN'?
LEMON MERINGUE PIE.
I'LL HAVE
A BIT OF THAT,
WHEN SHE'S READY.
I'LL JUST GO
AND WASH ME HANDS.
OOH, IT'S NICE
AND WARM IN HERE.
IT WAS QUITE CHILLY
ON THAT TRAP.
IT'S RIDICULOUS.
GIVING ME A TICKE
FOR PARKING A HORSE.
WHAT DO YOU EXPEC
IF YOU LEAVE I
ON A DOUBLE YELLOW LINE?
THERE'S NOT MANY
OF THOSE AROUND.
WHERE DID YOU PARK?
NEAR THE MUSEUM.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK FOUND
A DRIED UP MOGGY
IN THE ATTIC
SO WE GIVE IT TO 'EM.
YOU FOUND A DRIED UP CA
IN THE ATTIC?
YES, IN A HOLE
IN THE WALL.
- AND YOU TOOK IT AWAY?
- YES.
OOH! YOU SHOULDN'
HAVE DONE THAT!
YOU DEFINITELY SHOULDN'
HAVE DONE THAT AT ALL.
NO WONDER DAISY DRIED UP.
THAT CAT WERE PUT THERE
FOR A REASON.
IT'S TO BRING GOOD LUCK
UPON THE HOUSE.
IT CANCELS OUT THE BAD
AND BRINGS IN THE GOOD.
SUPERSTITIOUS NONSENSE.
OH, YOU MAY SAY THAT,
BUT LOOK WHAT HAPPENED
AT THE OLD MILL HOUSE
WHEN THAT YOUNG
COUPLE MOVED IN.
WHY?
WHAT HAPPENED?
WE NEVER FOUND OUT.
DOESN'T SEEM
VERY CONCLUSIVE.
THERE'S A' OLD SAYIN'
ROUND THESE PARTS,
"TAKE A CAT FROM THE WALL,
BAD LUCK SHALL BEFALL.
YOU FIND IT IN A NICHE,
LEAVE IT WHERE IT IS."
THAT NEITHER SCANS
NOR RHYMES.
MR. RUMBOLD,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
I MUST SIT DOWN.
I WENT TO THE BATHROOM,
I PULLED THE CHAIN,
AND THE WHOLE CISTERN
FELL ON MY HEAD.
I WAS LUCKY
NOT TO BE KILLED.
"WHEN YER PULLIN' THE CHAIN,
WATCH OUT FOR THE BRAIN."
NOW DON'T YOU MOCK,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
ME AND DAD
TAKE THIS VERY SERIOUS.
WELL, WE WAS
VERY NEARLY HI
BY THA
HOLIDAY COACH
COMING BACK.
I THINK WE CAN
PUT THAT DOWN
TO CAPTAIN PEACOCK'S
DRIVING.
MIND YOU, THERE WAS
ALSO THAT POOR MAN
WHO COLLAPSED
IN THE MUSEUM.
WELL, THE FERRULE
OF YOUR UMBRELLA UP HIS NOSE
MIGHT HAVE HAD
SOME BEARING ON THAT.
'TIS STARTED.
I'LL NOT SET FOO
IN THIS HOUSE
TILL THAT CA
IS BACK IN THE WALL.
YOU COMIN', GIRL?
OOH, I'M THINKIN', DAD.
WELL, LET ME KNOW
WHEN YOU'VE THUNK.
WELL, I FOR ONE,
SHALL STICK IT OUT.
WHAT ABOUT YOU,
MR. RUMBOLD?
I I I SHALL
CERTAINLY STICK IT OUT.
WHAT ABOUT YOU,
MR. HUMPHRIES?
ARE YOU GONNA
STICK IT OUT?
I SHALL DO MY VERY BEST.
MIND YOU, I'M NO
PROMISING ANYTHING.
WELL, I'M STAYING,
AND I AM
UNANIMOUS IN THAT.
WELL, I'M STARVIN'.
IS THERE
ANYTHING TO EAT?
I GOT A NICE LEMON MERINGUE
PIE IN THE OVEN.
- FANCY A BIT O' THAT?
- OH, THAT'S MY FAVORITE.
RIGHT, YOU GET IT OUT,
MR. HUMPHRIES.
THERE'S OVEN CLOTH
ON THE SIDE.
I'LL GET THE PLATES.
AARGHH!
- AARGHH!
- ( PLATES BREAKING )
- OOH!
- OOH!
BACK! BACK!
( WATER SLOSHES )
( PUMP CREAKS )
WHO'S THERE?
AARGHH!
MRS. SLOCOMBE:
OOH, WHATEVER WAS THAT?
I DON'T KNOW,
BUT IT SOUNDED
HORRIBLE.
I THINK IT WERE DAD.
PERHAPS HE'S SEEN SOMETHIN'.
WHATEVER IT WAS,
I HOPE IT'S NO
COMIN' IN HERE.
( KNOCKING ON DOOR )
- OOH!
- IT IS!
LET'S ALL KEEP QUIET.
IT MIGHT GO AWAY.
REALLY! YOU'RE ALL
BEING HYSTERICAL.
IT'S JESSICA.
WHAT WAS
THAT SCREAM?
IT WAS MR. MOULTERD
FILLING A BUCKE
FROM THE PUMP
IN HIS PAJAMAS.
YOU SEE?
EVERYTHING HAS
A PERFECTLY NORMAL
EXPLANATION.
I WOULDN'T OF THOUGH
IT WAS NORMAL,
HAVING A PUMP
IN YOUR PAJAMAS.
IS THE KETTLE ON?
I'LL HAVE A CUP
OF COFFEE.
OOH!
WELL, I'M NOT SLEEPING
OVER THE STABLES TONIGHT.
IT SUDDENLY WEN
TERRIBLY COLD,
AND FOR NO APPARENT REASON
THERE WAS A GUST OF WIND
AND THE WINDOWS BLEW OPEN.
DO YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY
YOU SHOULD SAY THAT.
I WASN'T GOING
TO SAY ANYTHING
'CAUSE I THOUGH
YOU'D LAUGH.
JUST BEFORE
I CAME DOWNSTAIRS,
THE LIGHTS IN MY BEDROOM
FLICKERED OFF AND ON,
AND THEN ME DRAWERS FLEW OPEN
AND FELL TO THE GROUND.
AND I PROMISE YOU,
THEY WERE NOT TOUCHED
BY HUMAN HANDS.
WAS THERE ANY WIND?
NOT THAT I NOTICED.
IT COULD HAVE BEEN ONE
OF THEM POLTERGEISTS.
ARE THEY MALE
OR FEMALE?
THEY DON'T KNOW
WHAT THEY ARE,
BUT THEY GET UP TO
ALL SORTS OF TRICKS,
AND THEY USUALLY
DO IT AT NIGHT.
MM, I'VE MET ONE OR TWO
OF THOSE.
YOU'RE ALL LETTING
YOUR IMAGINATION
RUN AWAY WITH YOU.
THERE'S PROBABLY
A PERFECTLY LOGICAL
EXPLANATION.
I MEAN, THE FLOORS ARE
BOUND TO BE UNEVEN
IN A HOUSE OF THIS AGE.
MRS. SLOCOMBE'S DRAWERS
PROBABLY DROPPED OPEN
DUE TO THE THE VIBRATION
CAUSED BY A PASSING LORRY.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK,
I CAN ASSURE YOU
THAT IT WOULD TAKE
MORE THAN A PASSING LORRY
TO MAKE MY DRAWERS
FALL TO THE FLOOR.
WE STILL HAVEN'T EXPLAINED WHA
COME OUT OF THE OVEN, EITHER.
WELL, I SUPPOSE
THERE'S JUST A CHANCE
I COULD HAVE USED
BICARBONATE OF SODA
INSTEAD OF SUGAR.
THERE YOU ARE,
YOU SEE?
A PERFECTLY REASONABLE
EXPLANATION.
MYSTERY SOLVED.
WHO LEFT A DEAD PIG
ON THE STAIRS?
I'M QUITE SURE
THAT CAPTAIN PEACOCK
HAS A PERFECTLY
REASONABLE EXPLANATION.
WELL, PERHAPS
MR. MOULTERD
ORDERED ONE
FROM THE BUTCHER'S,
AND WAS, UH, BRINGING I
INTO THE KITCHEN TO SHOW US
WHEN HE WAS DISTRACTED.
PROBABLY BY THE THUD
OF MRS. SLOCOMBE'S
DRAWERS FALLING.
I AM GOING TO BED.
AND TO DEMONSTRATE
THE LITTLE CREDENCE
THAT I GIVE
TO THE PARANORMAL,
I SHALL SLEEP
IN THE ATTIC,
IN THE ROOM VACATED
BY THE DEAD CAT.
AND YOU, MISS LOVELOCK,
MAY HAVE MY ROOM.
I THINK THAT WAS
VERY GALLANT OF HIM.
IS THERE A SPARE
HOT WATER BOTTLE?
NOW, MISS LOVELOCK,
IF YOU'RE AT ALL
WORRIED ABOUT ANYTHING,
DO REMEMBER THA
MISS BRAHMS AND I
SHARE THE ROOM
NEXT DOOR.
YES, AND SHE HAS TIDDLES
UNDER THE BED.
AND AT THE SLIGHTEST HIN
OF ANYTHING AMISS,
SHE RUNS STRAIGHT UP
THE CURTAINS.
JUST FOR THE RECORD,
THERE IS NO PIG
ON THE STAIRS!
YOU MUST'VE IMAGINED IT.
WELL, I NEVER.
THAT WOULD SEEM TO CAS
SOME DOUBT UPON MY SANITY,
AND YET, MENTALLY,
EVERYTHING SEEMS
TO BE WORKING
PERFECTLY NORMALLY.
12 EIGHTS ARE 96,
REYKJAVIK IS THE CAPITAL
OF ICELAND,
HADRIAN'S WALL
WAS BUILT BY HADRIAN.
YES, IT'S ALL THERE.
( A BODY FALLS )
CAPTAIN PEACOCK:
OW! BLAST!
WHO LEFT SIX POUNDS
OF PORK SAUSAGES
ON THE PASSAGE?!
THAT'S MY FAULT.
I LEFT 'EM THERE
WHILE I WAS
FOLDING MY UMBRELLA.
SIR,
DON'T GO BACK
TO THAT ATTIC,
I BEG YOU!
YOU'LL BE LYIN' THERE
ALL BY YOURSELF,
FACING FORCES UNKNOWN.
COME AN' BUNK UP WITH
ME AND MR. HUMPHRIES.
THAT'S VERY KIND
OF YOU, MAVIS,
BUT, I'D RATHER
FACE THE UNKNOWN.
GOOD. NOW, I NEEDN'
CHANGE ME PAJAMAS.
NOW THEN, SHALL I
TAKE A SLEEPING PILL
SO THAT I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S HAPPENING,
OR SHALL I TAKE
A TRANQUILIZER,
SO I DON'T CARE?
TAKE BOTH.
YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?
I THINK WE OUGHT TO GO
AND ASK FOR OUR CAT BACK
AND PUT IT BACK
IN THAT HOLE.
I QUITE AGREE,
MISS BRAHMS.
YOU KNOW,
I CAN'T BELIEVE
THAT A PASSING
LORRY COULD MOVE
A HEAVY THING
LIKE THIS.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,
WHY DON'T YOU PRETEND
YOU'RE A HEAVY LORRY,
AND JUMP UP AND DOWN,
SEE IF THEY FALL OUT AGAIN?
( THUMPS ECHOING )
THERE, YOU SEE?
NOTHING MOVED,
WILL YOU BE DOING
THAT FOR LONG?
SHE'S PRETENDING TO BE
A HEAVY LORRY.
JUGGERNAUT,
MORE LIKE IT.
OH, OOH!
THAT GIRL GETS
RIGHT UP MY NOSE.
BETWEEN YOU AND ME,
MISS BRAHMS,
YOU KNOW WHA
I THINK SHE IS?
A WHAT?
WHAT?!
A TART!
MISS BRAHMS,
BUNG UP THAT KEYHOLE.
( CAT MEOWS )
( CAT MEOWS )
MRS. SLOCOMBE:
QUIET, TIDDLES.
( TAPPING NOISE )
( WHISTLING )
( BANGING NOISE )
( BANGING NOISE )
MR. HUMPHRIES?
I CAN HEAR A HORRIBLE
GHOSTLY KNOCKING SOUND.
MR. HUMPHRIES,
I CAN HEAR A HORRIBLE
GHOSTLY KNOCKING SOUND.
WELL, STICK YOUR
FINGERS IN YOUR EARS,
LIKE ME.
MR. RUMBOLD:
CAPTAIN PEACOCK?
CAPTAIN PEACOCK!
BEGONE EVIL THING!
IT'S CUTHBERT RUMBOLD!
OH, GOD!
WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
I'VE JUST HEARD A NUN
SINGING IN THE BATHROOM.
I SUPPOSE THEY HAVE TO GO
LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.
CAN I COME IN
WITH YOU?
NO, I'LL COME
IN WITH YOU.
MR. HUMPHRIES?
HAVE YOU NOTICED
HOW THE TEMPERATURE'S
DROPPED?
I'M TRYING
TO IGNORE IT.
I THINK THERE'S
SOMETHING WE CAN'T SEE
TRYIN' TO TELL US
SOMETHING WE DON'T KNOW.
VERY LIKELY.
IF WE'RE
NOT CAREFUL
WE'RE GONNA
WAKE UP DEAD!
THAT'LL GIVE US
SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT.
MR. HUMPHRIES?
DO YOU FEEL
A RISIN' UP?
YES, I DO,
AND IF THA
ISN'T PARANORMAL,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.
ARE YOU DOIN' IT?!
I MOST CERTAINLY
AM NOT!
WELL, SOMETHIN'S
DOIN' IT!
AN' IT'S
GETTIN' WORSE!
( BOTH SCREAM )
PERHAPS WE OUGHT TO SEE
IF EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGH
WITH MR. HUMPHRIES.
ANYTHING PARANORMAL?
NO, CERTAINLY UNUSUAL.
MRS. SLOCOMBE?
YOUR BEDCLOTHES ARE
MOVING UP AND DOWN.
I AM AWARE OF THAT,
MISS BRAHMS.
IS IT WIND?
DEFINITELY NOT.
THE WINDOW
IS TIGHTLY CLOSED.
OH!
IT'S DOING I
TO ME NOW.
OH, AND LOOK!
THERE'S FOG COMIN'
OUTTA YOUR DRAWERS.
THAT SETTLES IT.
MISS BRAHMS,
DO YOU FANCY
A CUP OF TEA?
YES, I DO.
- IN THE KITCHEN?
- YES.
RIGHT. ONE
TWO THREE!
ARGH!
MRS. SLOCOMBE:
COME ON.
THE SOONER WE GE
THAT CAT BACK,
THE BETTER.
WE'RE SHUT
OH, IT'S YOU!
I'D BETTER DEAL
WITH THIS, MRS. SLOCOMBE.
I WONDER
IF WE COULD SEE
THE PERSON WHO
ATTENDED TO US
YESTERDAY?
I BELIEVE
HE'S THE CURATOR.
HE'S IN THE MUSEUM.
THEY'VE JUST GONE
TO FETCH HIM.
THANK YOU.
HE'S IN THE MUSEUM.
UH
MAY WE ASK YOU
A SMALL FAVOR?
I HAVE NO TIME
TO DO ANYMORE FAVORS.
MY WIFE HAS JUST LEFT ME.
THE PTERODACTYL'S WING
TURNED OUT TO BE
AN OLD UMBRELLA
AFTER ALL.
SOMEONE HAS STOLEN
THE BOG MAN'S TOOL
AND SUBSTITUTED I
WITH A BOTTLE OF TIZER.
AND NOW NEFERTITI'S AUN
HAS FALLEN ON ME.
CAN WE HAVE
OUR CAT BACK?
TAKE ANYTHING
YOU LIKE, MADAM,
TAKE ANYTHING YOU LIKE.
IT'S BEEN NOTHING
BUT A CATALOG
OF DISASTERS SINCE
HE MUST BE OVER HERE,
IN THE PETRIFIED
PUSSY SECTION.
THE QUESTION IS,
WHICH ONE IS OURS?
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY
TO FIND OUT.
PUSS, PUSS, PUSS
THERE HE IS.
COME ON.
MUMMY'S TAKING
YOU HOME.
COME ON, CHUCK.
( THEME MUSIC PLAYING )