Avenue 5 (2020) s02e04 Episode Script

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
She's a beautiful bird, huh?
No. It's an ugly shuttle.
It's an absolute cow to fly.
Yeah, I get that. I get that.
- You know, I got an uncle
- Me too.
Right, you might want to get out
of the airlock.
Unless you want to, you know,
die.
Yeah. Don't want that. Not most days.
In the legend,
he carried the whole world
- on his shoulders.
- Mr. Judd did?
No, try to ignore his face.
That's good advice in general, kid.
Yeah, I try to ignore
the rest of him too,
but it's a daily struggle.
So, I usually start the night there,
and when he falls asleep,
I pop over to the bed.
My dad took them.
Why don't you show her
the only other room?
This may sound brutal,
and frankly, I'm glad,
I'm not around,
so you substitute me with this?
Me? Nah, I'm kinda
more of a "he" than a "this."
I actually do see you as a "this."
"He" feels a little arrogant for you.
Okay, so we've
we've picked up a cannibal?
Yes. Confirmed, reluctantly.
Loose? Just sort of sauntering about?
Do they saunter? I don't know.
Well, should I lock down the ship?
Well, I don't know. Should you?
It's your decision.
And the answer is yes.
- All right.
- Okay.
- Lock up the ship then.
- Lock down.
We lock down the ship.
Down, lock down the ship.
Fuck up, lock down.
Lockdown initiated.
Lockdown initiated.
Lockdown initiated.
Lockdown initiated.
What? I only just got out.
I don't want to get locked
back in again.
Lockdown initiated.
Iris
Lockdown initiated.
Ah, hold up. I'm coming, I'm coming.
Sorry, what what's that done exactly?
Well, I've just sealed
every room on the ship.
So, we're locking
an unknown number of people
in a room with an escaped cannibal?
Uh. Yes, but we're also locking
a larger unknown number of people
out of the room with the cannibal.
Yeah.
No, when you put it like that,
we're fucking heroes.
There is a lot of feedback
from the passengers.
Uh, "Why is the door locked?
Why are the toilets locked?"
Uh, "I'm sorry but the toilet
was locked and" oh
Oh, they're fine.
If they're complaining,
it means they haven't been eaten yet.
Let's find the cannibal.
The data center.
I mean, that has surveillance
of every single room
in the entire ship.
Thank you, Supreme Court.
My bet is he'll be in the gym.
It's probably his version
of freshly baked bread.
- Um
- Oh!
Captain Von Twat has locked us in!
You have a master key.
- That's right, I do.
- Other pocket.
Oh, God, I'm so tired.
Think it's possible
to sleep standing up?
I might give it a try.
Yeah, you should.
You could stick a pole in your jacket,
- you'd make a lovely scarecrow.
- Uh, urgent reminder.
Somebody really needs to speak
to the passengers.
- Oh, be my guest.
- Didn't mean me. Why me?
You have a mouth, and you're here.
Congratulations on clearing
the lowest bar
- in the history of bars.
- What are you
- No. No, I don't want to.
- Yes, Rav.
Oh.
Ryan will ride to the rescue.
I would love to see him on a horse.
We've had our run-ins,
but he wears the hell out
of a turtleneck.
I'm sure your wife would agree.
The way she pours herself
over him like cheap seltzer.
Elena and I are no longer together.
- Sexually?
- Everythingly.
No, no, no. No, Ryan, come back.
I don't wanna
Oh, God! Is there a button? Oh!
Oh, okay. What's this?
Oh, yes, yes, yes,
I see, I see, I see. Here we go.
That's a tough angle.
One, two
Hello. Hello.
Apologies for interrupting your
entrapment.
Um, but I bring news.
We really, really are sorry,
and this time we mean it.
So, all all I can leave you with
is just to say
Buh-buh-bye.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God. That was awful.
Got to shake it off.
I think she's trying to human.
Just give her a second.
I She'll get there.
Uh. Ryan, I have told the passengers
that they're locked down,
but they are unaware,
repeat, unaware of the cannibal.
Jesus fucking Christ!
What did she say?
- Cannibal.
- Let us out!
You get one thing wrong,
and they jump all over you.
Sweep all open areas
looking for an intruder.
- Sir.
- White, male, middle-aged
- British.
- British accent.
- Could be a cannibal.
- Mm-hmm.
No, another one.
Stop looking so suspicious
and succulent.
I'mma head to the bathroom.
See what I'm draggin' in the wagon.
That is absolutely genius.
Did you just come up with that?
No, I saw it in a commercial.
Hey, don't do anything
I wouldn't do in there, brudda!
Okay, man.
Why are you talking like children?
'Cause that's how friends talk, Iris.
He's my friend.
I made one while you were gone.
I'm impressed.
So, is he on a retainer, or
You can't put a price on that.
He needs to sign an NDA.
Oh, Iris, I'm so glad you came back.
Why did you come back, Iris?
Because Earth is even
more screwed than we are.
They're running out of lithium.
So what? Earth ran out
of fruit and camels.
Not that I used either.
Without lithium, everything stops.
Except for the people fighting
for clean water.
- And then that stops too.
- What? No!
I was going to become a DJ
when we got back.
He really should sign an NDA.
Yeah, I think you're right.
- Is there really a canni
- No, no, mi amor.
Whatever she meant,
she didn't mean literally a cannibal.
Oh, no, she definitely did.
He jumped ship when we docked
with the space prison.
And now he's here because for him,
this is like a gourmet grocery.
Okay, I I think you're mistaken.
And I think that you know
that you are, so
No, I'm I'm definitely sure.
There's a monster among us.
- Mom
- Okay.
Oh, but we're safe in here.
None of us are the cannibal, right?
'Cause he's male,
- so that's the three of you out.
- Right.
And it can't be me. I'm the guy
from the commercials, right?
"Drink Judd beer.
It's disgusting, and so are you!"
Unless maybe it's this guy, right?
Hey, mister,
what's a snack for you, sir?
Bag of little girl's toes?
Well
Oh, look out!
It's in here.
I've even started doing it
to myself going,
"Eh, that's so Ryan.
Oh, we've picked up
a cannibal? Eh, that's so Ryan."
This is the data center.
Bit more of a data vending machine,
- er, isn't it?
- Well, it's a synoptic array.
Okay. What does that mean?
- It arrays things synoptically.
- No, Billie, you keep doing th
That's just the same words
in a different order.
What does it mean?
Means that the screens
go changey-changey.
And they show you
all the different parts
of the ship. So,
let's play "Spot the Cannibal."
What does he look like?
Your aski I
I don't know what he looks like.
- I thought you knew.
- That is so Ryan.
Oh, God, that's him, isn't it?
This is how we die.
As starter and main.
What what are you doing?
Ryan, it's Rav! Open up!
Oh, just help yourself.
Rav, get in here.
So, what does he look like?
- Who?
- Who? The
Sir Humphrey Davy,
who d'you think? The cannibal!
I No idea.
All I've seen is a 30-year-old photo!
Then who does know?
Judd! Judd was on Frank's
cooking show with him!
- Billie
- I'm doing it.
- There you go. And there.
- And again here.
Mm-hmm. Good.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Iris.
What?
Can you take a photograph of me
signing an official Judd NDA?
- I'm so honored.
- Yeah.
'Kay. Say "non-disparagement clause."
Non-disparagement clause.
He's not picking up.
Well that's it then.
Unless there was anyone else
on Frank's show?
Well
I suppose Frank was.
Wow, that guy is easy to forget.
People! Everybody! Please, calm down!
People!
I know what he looks like!
I have seen the guy. I know
- Three, two, one!
- I am the cannibal!
- No, you're not.
- No? Wait, I mean,
I'm a patent attorney from Pittsburgh.
I'm always getting those two confused.
But now all eyes are on me,
behold! Mabel on the table here.
Uh. Yeah, I just wanted to say
I I have actually seen
Sorry. This
I just forgot what it's like
to have people look up to me.
Um. Anyway, I have actually seen
a way out of this for all of us!
Whoo! Yeah!
Karen! Karen! Karen!
Look, I can't treat an injury
while it's basically
still happening to you.
Tell you what, drink this.
- Jell-O?
- No, it's pain relief.
It's basically heroin.
- Is it strong?
- Oh, it could knock out a horse,
or absolutely fuck up a Shetland pony.
Well, well, well.
What do you want, Judd? I'm busy.
Did they give you that pebble
with "turn me over"
- written on both sides again?
- Oh, that's funny.
You can't just leave us up here to die.
We're not. We're just leaving you.
What you do after that
is completely up to you.
Oh, yeah? And what if I were
to just happen to tell everybody
on Earth about your lithium problem?
Seriously?
Seriously, yeah,
global chaos as leverage?
Leverage is such a dirty word.
We prefer "blackmail."
Yeah, Lucas, either you get us
all home safely,
or I will tell everyone on Earth
about your little lithium
What's another fancy
word that means, um
like a shit show?
- Double shit show.
- Wait, who is that?
- Imbroglio.
- Oh, that's good. That's good.
About your little lithium imbroglio.
By which I mean, double shit show.
Okay, let me talk to TOTOPOTUS,
and we'll resume
in 30 minutes, all right?
Fuck.
- Oh! Did you see his face?
- Mm?
I'm using that next time
I need to climax.
- No.
- Mm-mm.
Okay, not 74J
just two toddlers
and a pregnant woman in there.
Yep, got it. Got it.
- Why are you marking it red?
- Because it's only got
two toddlers and a pregnant woman in it.
- Right, so you mark it green.
- Green? No red.
Red means I've eliminated the room.
No, Rav. Red red means danger.
There are beetles that understand that!
What? So, you want me to change
all of these?
So that Green doesn't mean
"May contain cannibal"?
Yes, please. If you wouldn't mind.
Okay, I have eyes on Frank.
He's in the spa. Thankfully, not naked.
Shall I grab him?
Uh. No, it's all right. I'll Ugh.
Yeah, I'll stay here
and be Rav's sticker buddy.
Charles offered comfort
and security. Ryan offers
Discomfort and insecurity?
Yeah, but you know what, Matt?
It's himself that he hurts the most.
Okay, I can see that.
And you like him, right, Palomita?
I mean, so he can't be all that bad.
Well, sometimes I just look at him,
and he makes me feel sad.
- Aw.
- Okay.
I did not know that.
Well, um
I will ask him to smile more.
Oh, no, he's sadder when he smiles.
- Oh.
- Have fun unpacking that.
- So, I know that it's not me.
- We could all say that.
- Well, yeah?
- Like, I know it's not me.
Yeah, but I know it's not me.
- Yeah, but I know it's not me.
- But I don't know that.
Relax, no one in here is the cannibal.
Only the cannibal would be
that sure about that.
Guys, it's me.
Frank, you know, from the show?
- What show?
- Okay, I'll say it.
Let it settle.
- Never seen it.
- I've seen it, but
I don't think that's the guy from it.
What?
- I am! It's it's my show.
- No, the guy's taller.
And isn't he, like, Greek or something?
No! He's he's me! I'm him!
All right, so we got ourselves
an imposter.
Why would I even mention
the show if it wasn't me?
I don't know.
Why would you eat human people
- instead of, uh, food?
- Because he's a cannibal!
Okay, look look,
- you're gonna regret this!
- Yeah, no.
Let it settle.
So, if you're standing next
to someone who you know
for a fact is not the cannibal,
use your right hand
to raise their left hand, okay?
I'm not sure about you, but thanks.
Please, your left and their right.
Karen, we're just
we're not quite sure
Hey, hold on,
why are you holding your hand up?
Are you asking a question?
You've confused the whole system.
Don't ask a question.
This whole thing is stupid.
Oh, you're stupid.
Please, don't make me shout again.
- May I?
- It's really
Oh, thank you. Frank can't do that.
He can't whistle. He has soft teeth.
Thanks, Karen. Great energy,
but you gave us nothin'.
- Slip away.
- Well, no,
- I was just trying to
- Jesus Christ!
Have you ever heard the end
of a sentence?
- Yeah!
- Time out.
Okay, people, I'm just gonna take five.
So, um, thank you for your cooperation.
Folks, I got an idea.
The Flesh Prince is a stowaway, right?
- Yeah.
- So, he won't be wearing one of these.
Here's a good idea.
You know what we should do?
Someone needs to flush again.
She's still here.
If we line up in room number order
starting at 101, I'll buzz each of you
and cross reference
your actual faces with your IDs.
That's way better than this cluster-fuck
of a barn-dance Karen had us doing.
Who wants to go next?
Mia, would you like to share?
Oh, uh. Well, I mean,
I'm actually fine. You know,
sure, I fucked one hot Swede
and immediately got pregnant.
So, that's bullshit.
Sorry, Paloma.
Waitin' for the baby to come out
'til I know who the dad is.
That's fucking insane.
Sor sorry, Paloma.
Um. You know,
either it'll have perfect abs
and the blue eyes of a husky,
or it'll look like a thumb.
And you wanna know
the really fucked up thing?
Sorry, Paloma.
I don't even know what I'm hoping for.
Do I want a hot-looking baby
with a dumb dad?
Or a thumb-looking baby
with a thumb dad?
I mean, at least the
the fucking thumb fucking loves me!
Sorry, Paloma!
I'm gonna be a dad.
My dad had a dad. And his dad had a dad.
It's it's like a circle.
Or no, it's it's like that.
It's like
one of these guys. What are they called?
The straight-along fuckers
that don't bend?
- Lines.
- Ah! It's a line!
It's a goddamn line.
Guys! I can prove I'm not the cannibal!
What are you gonna do? Not eat somebody?
- No!
- "No"?
You are gonna eat someone?
No! Ah! Billie.
Thank God, Billie!
What the hell are you guys doing?
Are you trying to crush
the stress out of him?
No, we trapped the cannibal freak!
That's not the cannibal. That's nobody.
- That's just Frank.
- See, I told you, I'm nothing.
No, that makes sense.
All right, believe it or not,
Frank, you have a purpose,
- so come with me.
- I have a purpose.
Ah, it must be some deep state thing!
You're working with the cannibal!
Yeah, he gives me ten percent
of whatever he can't finish.
So, um, now, I tell people
that I left her.
And that way, there's, um, no sympathy.
- Hmm.
- And and I love that.
But the truth is that I, uh,
I didn't leave my wife,
and she, uh, she didn't leave me. My
my wife died. She died.
Okay! So that just leaves you.
Oh. I'd I'm
I really I've got nothing.
I don't think we even got your name.
Uh, Nathan.
- Hello, Nathan.
- Hello. Um
Well, the first thing
I should probably say is
I'm the cannibal.
But no, I am. I really am.
I really am the cannibal.
- No.
- What?
But, no, I suppose I should've
mentioned it earlier,
but, you know,
I was just really enjoying
listening to everyone's stories,
and then there didn't seem to be
a good moment to, you know, pop it in.
Frank
this is your chance to shine.
Whatever I can do, Cap.
The cannibal you had on your show.
- What does he look like?
- Oh, uh, you know, average.
Okay, uh, so, his hair? His build?
- Both average.
- His skin color?
Average.
So, he's brown?
- Huh?
- Well if his skin was the average
of the human race,
it must be pretty fucking brown.
Uh. Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, my g Frank! We know he's White.
You'd rather let a cannibal loose
than admit to being casually racist?
No, I I just I don't I don't
There he is! That's that's the guy!
- That guy?
- Yeah.
He's talking to
Oh, Christ!
- Come on! Get the thing to pop!
- I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it!
What the fuck is taking him so long?
It's simple, do you wanna
be blackmailed, yes or no?
No news is good news.
Not as good as good news,
but not as bad as bad news.
What? Screw this Goldilocks of news!
The lithium news is our only leverage.
We have to time it right.
Relax, Iris, timing is my middle name.
Actually, it's not. It's Twam.
Don't laugh, it's a family name.
Okay, that's everyone accounted for.
Yeah!
Well, not to be the snot
in the potato salad,
but what if the cannibal just stole
- someone's communicator?
- Yeah.
So, what?
All cannibals are thieves, huh?
- That's pretty narrow-minded.
- That's a good point.
Only the cannibal
would defend a cannibal.
- That's a nice point.
- Wait, wha what?
He's a liberal and a cannibal!
- Get him, people!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
Leave him alone. He's annoying,
but he's not a flesh-eater.
Real cannibal was a lot huskier.
How would you know that?
- Um
- Wait? You've seen him?
Well, uh. You know,
it's so strange 'cause now
that I'm thinking about it,
I may even have spoken
to him very briefly, uh,
just before he went off with, um, Frank.
- What?
- So, it's it's coming back
to me now that I
I did know what he looked like.
Why wouldn't you say, Karen?
Because I wanted to organize everyone.
It's it's a sickness!
Well, you better hope because of this
you don't have to organize a funeral.
Assuming there'd be anything left
- to put in the coffin.
- Yeah.
You know, we should do this
on the regular. You and I.
Just get together
get our foot stuck in stuff,
- chug on some fun packs
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Is someone there? Hey!
We're in the airlock!
Hit the override!
Oh, thank God!
You sick son of a bitch!
No, not me, I'm fine.
No, hey, ow! What are you doing?
And that's when I knew
I'd hit rock bottom
because it was
it was actually a bottom.
Mm-hmm.
And that's Yeah,
that's when I truly realized
that what I'd done through love
had the ability to
to hurt, well, not just the dead
but the living.
Well, that's growth.
There he is! Look! Get him! Get him!
The one with the
No, no, no, don't!
Paloma, come here!
Take me! Take me!
I'm the cannibal! I'm the cannibal!
Uncle Ryan!
Stop! Don't hurt him!
We're not gonna hurt him. We're
just gonna put him somewhere safe.
He's a very bad man.
No, he's not! He's a good man
who made some bad choices,
- Matt said!
- Ryan, please,
try to see the human, not the cannibal.
Oh, Matt, fuck all the way off.
Sorry, Paloma.
Put him in the in the
Do we have a cell or
- It's called a brig.
- Put him in the brig!
Welcome to your vegan years, my friend!
Was that right?
Or do you think it was
Was that too much?
Ugh, you have so little self-confidence.
I bet in the last few hours
you asked yourself,
"Oh, wait, am I the cannibal?"
Very briefly, and then I dismissed it.
Sir! We found the cannibal
at the shuttle dock,
- trying to make a getaway.
- No, no, no, no, no.
That's not him. That's, um
Uh, I want to say Peter?
- Paul.
- Paul.
He said I'm not the cannibal!
Do you really think I don't have
enough self-confidence?
No, I was wrong. You're doing great.
What's going on, Captain?
I need a full systems update, ASAP.
The monitors are clear.
But there's a red alert
from mission control.
Red alert indeed!
Planet Earth is running out of lithium.
It will be a wasteland, imminently.
This isn't the TV show right now.
This is happening, for real.
What the actual?
Zara, what is a lithium?
- Wh why do we need them?
- I don't know.
- Okay.
- And that's because
I just get words shoved in front of me.
- Right.
- But it sounds
really, really bad.
Lithium is no joke!
- We need that fucker!
- Hmm.
Can we just order some?
- I don't know.
- I'm not sure.
Surely there's
a plant-based alternative?
Has anyone looked into peas?
- Who's got a spare lithium?
- I'm pretty sure
my neighbor's got a garage
full that stuff.
He's an absolute prick.
If this lithium thing is true,
I'm killing everyone and myself.
I agree, this is terrible.
Should I be scared?
Because I want to be.
Well, he got the message out,
but so did every asshole
on planet Earth.
So, in my head, um,
I I wanted it to be a teaser.
- It felt it felt teasy, right?
- Dude, relax.
It was perfection. So nuanced.
I still don't understand it.
What the fuck is wrong with you, Judd?
Why would you do that?
Look, now, Lucas, not everything's gold.
Let's just reset. How about you save us?
No, because now you've used up
your leverage.
I'm gonna get, "Ya think,
idiot?" carved into my forehead.
Don't call me again.
You just wasted two grams of lithium.
Herman Twam Judd, what have you done?
Wait, so, what
what exactly are we saying
to the passengers?
Captain one, cannibal nil.
Or does that sound like
I've eaten someone?
It does, and it's also not a plan.
What are we doing with the cannibal?
Maybe we can rehabilitate him.
Tell him he can stay
if we wire his jaw shut.
He can't drink us, can he?
Oh, yeah, no, that is genius.
"Here's your new neighbor!
Pretty sure he won't eat you,
but he may just juice you."
Oh, bollocks, I've lost the fob again.
Sometimes I forget that underneath
your confused-old-man shtick,
you're actually just a confused old man.
Sorry, I can't hear
'cause I'm a confused old man,
- so
- Oh, there it is.
Well, where did you get that?
Why have you got the fob?
Because I have been picking up
after you all day.
Rule number one of initiating
a lockdown,
- keep hold of the master fob.
- The lockdown was your idea.
My idea and your decision!
Oh! Well, that's very
convenient, isn't it?
It's not convenient,
it's true. It's true!
How it's always my decision.
- No, you're welcome.
- That's so Billie.
Think I deserve a thank you,
but, no, no, never mind.
You want to me to do what I want?
Is that what you want?
Well, I'll tell you what
I don't want from you,
yodeling away in my ear,
is you being the power
behind the throne,
pissing on the throne,
and then complaining
that the throne smells of piss!
What a phallocentric metaphor.
Okay, Ryan, I am not pissing
on your throne.
And, Rav, I could totally piss
on a throne.
- Ryan Clark!
- Yes, you could.
You trampled our Eden.
And worse than that,
- you hurt a child's feelings.
- But, wh Matt,
I don't understand
- What are you doing?
- I don't know. I don't know.
Fuck you.
You're a bottomless fuckup!
Bringing it back into the room,
cannibals and passengers.
What are we going to tell them?
Well, why don't we tell them
the truth? How about that?
We picked up an elite cannibal,
and we only had him
because we'd already picked up
a paedo to fix the food.
A pointless endeavor
because for the eight
miserable years we're gonna be
on this galactic clown show,
there are only rations enough
for half of us.
This is wild.
And there's no point
in hurrying back to Earth
because, you know,
even if we could get there,
I'd probably miss it because I've never
had a flying lesson
in my entire fucking life!
So, we can just say some more
soothing lies into the ca
- Rav.
- Yeah?
When you finished
the emergency broadcast,
did you, uh, you switch off
the feed by any chance?
Oh, yes. Yes, definitely.
So, why is
why is the light still red?
- Why is it red?
- Oh, uh,
red for not recording, right?
Red for not recording.
- No? Is it is that no? No?
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Fuck! Fuck!
Ladies and gentlemen
what you just heard was
Well, it was
- Oh, what am I gonna t
- Um. Um. Uh, uh
What am I gonna tell them?
You're gonna have to say
s you can't just leave it like
- We were just rehearsing a play?
- Just say that.
- Say that, say that.
- You can't say just
You've got to
It's all true.
Every word of it, it's all true.
So, now you know everything.
Where do you want to go from here?
Lockdown terminated.
Lockdown terminated.
You remain a fuckup!