Becker s02e04 Episode Script

( upbeat blues theme playing ) Bob, get away from the window, he's gonna see you.
Relax, he's not even looking at me.
What's he doing now? Scratching himself.
Not Bob, the guy outside.
He just keeps pacing back and forth.
Maybe he's homeless.
Though, he is well-dressed.
JAKE: Oh, you know, some homeless people dress well, some don't.
Right, Bob? Hey, Bob is not homeless.
Bob has a place to sleep.
As long as Mom's roommate stays in the coma and on her side of the bed.
So I'm watching TV this morning, and there's this couple from who knows, you know, Booger, Wyoming.
They're standing there with more babies than there are Miami Dolphins.
I mean, what the hell is that? I say if your husband's unemployed, and your house is on wheels, maybe you oughta buy less beer and more condoms.
I mean, am I the only one who feels that way? Look at him out there.
He just keeps going up to people like he's searching for someone.
Okay, fine, so I'm the only one.
Hey, Becker, you see that man pacing outside? We can't figure out his story.
Who gives a crap? Coffee to go.
I think he's waiting for a woman.
Well, then he needs to go two blocks over.
But he should stay away from that girl in the leopard coat.
( snickers ): She's a guy.
I hope you learned that the hard way.
( chuckling ) What I meant was, maybe he's waiting for the woman of his dreams, like in one of those old movies.
Yeah, Reg, uh, the people in those movies: all dead.
Don't you have an ounce of romance in your soul? What makes you even think he has a soul? Oh, please.
Romance is like cheese in a mousetrap.
It's what baits you into position so the metal bar of reality comes snapping down on your neck.
Well, you're just so upset because you were unlucky in love.
I was not unlucky in love.
I was unlucky in court.
( upbeat blues theme swells ) ( upbeat blues theme playing ) When is the doctor gonna be here? Mr.
Barsotti, please, relax.
Relax? I have this horrible pain.
It's a disease, I know it.
Now, now, calm down.
Where exactly is the pain? Right here.
Oh, that's not good at all.
But it just started today, right? No, I've had it for days.
And you're just coming in now? Should I have come in earlier? I don't know, I'm not a doctor.
Oh, G-- Well, has anyone else ever had this? Well, Mrs.
Owen had it.
But she died.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
What the hell's going on here? Linda thinks I have what Mrs.
Owen had, and she died.
N-- No, she didn't.
Yes, she did.
I heard you say it.
I didn't say she died.
I said I put her on a diet.
Oh.
Do me a favor, will ya? Go-- Go on back to Room One.
I'll be with you in a second.
What the hell are you thinking? Okay, here's the thing-- No, I-- I'm having a really bad week.
My parents came to visit and, well, you know how parents can be.
They just make me so nervous.
And then I-- Yeah, Linda, Linda, I really don't care.
You know, for God's sake, are you capable of doing anything right? Wellyes.
But none of those things seem to count here.
Linda? Did my dentist call last week to cancel an appointment for this morning? Okay, here's the thing.
No.
Here's the thing.
I got up at 5 a.
m.
to go to a dentist appointment I didn't have.
I want my messages, I want them on time, and I don't want any more excuses.
I'm sorry.
I'm just stupid.
Stupid, stupid, stupid Linda, you don't have to say that quite so many times.
( upbeat blues theme playing ) ( ringing ) Is anybody gonna answer the damn-- Would it have killed one of you to pick up the phone? Doctor's office.
This is Dr.
Becker.
What? Tw-- Two pills every hour? No, no, no, no, that's not right.
It's-- It's two pills every day.
Yeah, thank you very much for calling.
Yeah, Margaret? What now? Well, that was the pharmacy.
Apparently, we were about to give Mrs.
Sussman enough estrogen to rocket her out of menopause and back into puberty.
Well, don't look at me, I didn't do it.
Sorry I'm late, but the coffee place was crowded and-- In my own defense, whatever I did, I'm sure I meant well.
You screwed up Mrs.
Sussman's prescription.
I did? Is she okay? Yes, but only because the pharmacy caught your mistake.
BECKER: You know, Linda, this is a doctor's office.
It's not a hair salon where the worst thing you could do was turn some poor woman's head fluorescent green.
Hey, when she went jogging that night, that hair color saved her life.
Dammit, Linda, don't you get it? I mean, you're just lucky that it wasn't any more serious this time.
I-I have more to do around here than worrying about your screw-ups.
I'm sorry.
I keep telling you, Linda, we can't afford to be sorry here.
We have to be right.
( mellow blues theme playing ) How long's he been out there? Well, he was here all day yesterday and now he's back again.
Same thing everyday.
Back and forth, back and forth.
What kind of loser just hangs outside doing nothing day after day af-- But we're inside.
That's different.
( all agreeing indistinctly ) Now, I bet he's planning on robbing a bank.
Oh, don't be stupid.
Well, then maybe he's protesting something.
Does he have a picket sign? No, but, uh, maybe he hasn't figured out what he's against.
I still say he's looking for a lost love.
You can see it in his eyes.
Could be.
Since my wife left me, I myself have spent many a happy hour staring into the window of that aerobics studio across the street.
That's not an aerobics studio.
That's where they do physical therapy for senior citizens.
Hey, those broads eat cheap, they go to the movies for half-price, and every month they get a check from the government.
What not to like? You know, I think he's a jazz musician who fell on hard times, lost his chops and-- And had to pawn his saxophone just to get enough to get by.
Now he's out there trying to rediscover the music lost deep within his soul.
Jake? Hm? He's white.
Oh, then it's that bank robber thing.
( upbeat jazz theme playing ) Margaret, take care of this for me, will ya? Oh, another ticket? It's not my fault.
Traffic was too slow.
I went around.
How far around? The sidewalk.
Who-- Who-- Who's up? Well give me a second, I'm all alone.
What do you mean y-- Where's Linda? Where's Linda? Why don't I let her tell you in her own words? What do you-- No, just tell me yourself.
Don't-- ( phone ringing ) LINDA ( over phone ): Hi, it's Linda.
If this is a telemarketer, whatever you're selling, the answer is no.
All right, yes, but just this once.
And if this is Margaret or Dr.
Becker, I know I've really been messing up a lot lately, and I think it's better for everybody if I don't work there anymore.
I'm sorry.
( hangs up ) Well, what the hell did you say to her? Don't you even try to pin this on me.
That is all your fault.
Me? She-- She quit.
I didn't fire her.
She was just upset.
Can't you see that that was a cry for help? Margaret, this is a doctor's office.
We're not here to help people.
Oh! Besides, this is a good chance for you to bring in somebody new.
What, and start over? Do you know how much time I have invested figuring that girl out? Well, just-- Just find someone, will you, Margaret? And someone better than that-- That girl who sold all our drug samples outside on her break, will you? We-- We were swamped with angry junkies trying to return Claritin.
Oh, you think it's so easy to find someone to work here? Look at this.
I call it my "Life's Too Short" file.
That's what all those people you interviewed said after spending five minutes with you.
Bunch of losers.
Look, all we gotta do is find someone who can show up on time, knows the alphabet, and doesn't have a rap sheet.
I could find somebody in five minutes.
You're on.
It's not that easy, John.
You are abusive, you're demanding, and you pay minimum wage.
Well, you work here.
Keep talking.
You're gonna be looking for two people.
( upbeat blues theme swells ) ( upbeat blues theme playing ) Gee, Ann, you're already done preparing the samples for the lab? I finished an hour ago.
Now I'm updating the charts.
Oh, let me show you how we do that-- Oh, that's okay.
I got it.
In fact, I think I have everything under control.
Except for the filling system.
No offense, but was your last assistant dyslexic? Oh, if only it were that simple.
Hi.
Oh, Mr.
Barsotti, Dr.
Becker wants you to wait for him in his office.
In his office? Oh, no, it's bad news, isn't it? Would you just please calm down? The doctor always goes over test results in his office.
But, if it were good news, he-- Mr.
Barsotti, Mr.
Barsotti? He-- My name is Ann.
Why don't you come with me? Maybe I can help him relax.
Thanks, Ann.
( murmuring indistinctly ) So, Margaret, how's the new assistant, whom I picked all by myself with no help from you, working out? Oh, I'm sorry I have to admit it, John, but she does seem perfect.
Oh, perfect.
So, on a scale of one to ten, you'd say-- I'd say shut up.
Mr.
Barsotti's file.
He is shaking like a leaf back there waiting for his test results.
Such a big baby.
It's just a mild ulcer.
Well, tell him quick, would you? Ann is back there trying to calm him down.
Say, that Ann is a find.
And who found her? Go.
Ann and-- And Mr.
Barsotti-- Did they know each other before today? Dr.
Becker.
I can explain everything.
Yeah, what part don't you think I understand? I-- I was just, well-- I've been-- I've had a problem with sexual addiction.
You mean that they were back there-- Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
But I'm dealing with it.
In fact, I'm in a 12 step program.
Sounds like you just backed up a couple of steps.
Dr.
Becker, I admit this is a slight setback but-- Oh, you're going to fire me, aren't you? What do you think? Isn't there anything I can do to change your mind? Thanks, but no.
D-- Don't-- Don't even say a word.
You are the best damn doctor in the whole world.
What just happened is not part of your treatment.
Could it be? Sit down, will ya? I wanna go over your test results.
Ah, mail 'em to me.
Hey, hey, come back.
You have an ulcer, y-- Thank you! John, you were right.
That Ann sure was a find.
And who found her? Yep.
Go on, get it all out.
Most doctors just give their patients calendars or pens.
Are you done? For now.
( giggles ) So what are we gonna do about a new assistant? Well, we still need to find one.
As a matter of fact, it's your turn.
Okay.
I pick Linda.
No, come on, Margaret.
L-- Linda's-- Look, I know what you're gonna say.
She wasn't efficient.
She was always late.
She screwed up the phone.
She stole stamps.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
She stole stamps? Oh, please, John, we all steal stamps.
I don't.
They're your stamps.
Look, John, I can't explain it, but the patients really like her.
The patients really like Ann.
John, I'm serious.
She's great with them.
Come on, Margaret-- And do you know that every time Mrs.
Harding has an appointment, it's Linda who picks her up and takes her home? And the kids really love her.
Ricky Lopez won't even take his shots unless Linda holds his hand.
Yeah, I know all-- And, most important, she knows how to deal with you.
She ignores me.
Do you know how long it takes most people to figure that out? All right, all right, fine.
You have my permission to call her.
She's not answering her phone.
So you have my permission to go and talk to her.
Here's her address.
No, I-- Look, I-- Margaret, I-- I'm not gonna do it.
John, she deserves another chance, and I think she needs to hear it from you.
I'm not gonna beg her to come back.
It doesn't work that way.
Excuse me.
Is Ann available for homecare? Count your blessings and go.
( upbeat blues theme playing ) How do you know that he's not a bank robber? Because the nearest bank is four blocks away.
You're both wrong! ( all arguing ) You guys still at it? I still say-- ( all ): he's waiting for a lost love.
Well, he is.
Nope, bank robber.
Peeping Tom.
I say he's a mime.
He's not miming anything.
Well, maybe he's just starting out.
BECKER: You guys are insane.
Hey, old man, get in here, will ya? ( all protesting ) Don't call him in here.
Want me? Yeah, yeah.
These guys wanna know what you're doing out there all day long.
Why? Because they're pathetic losers.
Come here.
This one here thinks you're a bank robber.
This one, a pervert.
And she's got you pegged for some kind of star-crossed lover.
Do me a favor.
Just-- Just tell 'em, will ya? Well, it-it's nothing that exciting.
I mean, I'm just walking around out there 'cause, frankly, I-- I didn't know where else to go.
Don't you have a job? Well, you see, that's just it.
I worked for this place for 37 years.
Tuesday I got fired.
And you're afraid to go home and tell your family, huh? Frankly, I don't have a family.
My wife, Emma, she passed on several years ago.
Oh, you must really miss her.
Of course I do.
You're gonna think I'm silly, but I met Emma right outside at that bus stop.
And you still come here to talk to her? That's it, yeah.
Well, there you go.
Okay, thanks very much, thanks.
Becker, what the hell's the matter with you? What? Sir, come back.
Let me buy you a cup of coffee.
Oh, thank you.
I told you he was waiting for a lost love.
Yeah, it'll be a long frigging wait.
So how'd you lose your job? Oh, I made a stupid mistake.
But they wouldn't give me a second chance.
That's all I needed was a second chance.
( everyone agreeing ) Hey, you guys, uh, I'm gonna go run an errand, I'll, uh, see you in a while.
Hey, mister, good luck to you.
You know, I-- I think I should be on my way too.
Oh, you know, we really didn't mean to pry.
Oh, don't be silly.
It makes an old man feel good to know that somebody cared enough to ask.
( giggles ) Ah, come here, you sorry bastard.
( laughs ) ( chuckling ) Oh, there you are.
Hey.
Thank you.
Take care, pal.
Anytime.
Oh, we ought to do something for him.
Maybe we should give him a couple of bucks.
Yeah, I'm in.
Hey, where's my wallet? Yeah, mine's gone too.
Oh, so is my watch.
Yeah, mine, too.
Boy! That old man can run.
( upbeat blues theme swells ) ( upbeat blues theme playing ) ( knock on door ) Dr.
Becker, what a total surprise.
I mean, not a total surprise 'cause the doorman buzzed you up, but it was a total surprise when the doorman buzzed and said Dr.
Becker was here.
Come in.
Uh, I-- I thought that you and I ought to-- Boy, this is a really nice place.
Thanks.
So what did you want to talk to me about? No, no, see, I-- I mean incredibly nice.
Well, after I lost my lease in the Village, my parents insisted on buying it for me.
Can't have "flaky" Linda living in some dive, what with her being hard core unemployable and all.
Yeah, uh, well, that-- That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
I-- I know there were a lot of foul-ups there, but I-I don't think quitting's the right solution.
I mean, I-- Oh, my God, Linda, that's the park.
Whoa, you can see the whole thing.
I really appreciate you coming here, but the fact is my parents are right.
I get fired all the time.
I even got fired from volunteer work during a telethon on the air.
On the air? I knocked a kid unconscious with one of those giant checks.
I don't know, maybe I'm just terminally incompetent.
Well, now, don't-- Don't say that.
See, We-- We all-- We all have our "off" weeks.
The-- Oh, my God, Linda, that's a Monet.
What is it, a copy? Oh, my God.
Oh, y-- You're, like, loaded.
Well, my folks are.
But just like everything else in here, that painting has an invisible tag hanging from it that says, "Dear Linda, you can't do anything right.
"You can't even take care of yourself.
"Love, Mom and Dad.
" Tea? Well, if you hate it so much, why don't you just say no, you know? Move-- Move someplace else.
Well, I would, but I'm stuck here.
With the salary you pay me, I can't afford to move anywhere else.
But I have thought about saving up to move someplace worse.
Linda, I live someplace worse.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
I would trade your apartment for my self-esteem in a minute.
You-- I bet you don't have, uh, some foreign guy blasting his music through your walls at all hours of the night.
We have the Danish ambassador, but he's very quiet.
Wh-- Why do you even want the job? Doctor Becker, if you won the lottery, would you quit being a doctor? In the middle of an operation.
I don't believe you.
You care about what you do, and that's why it meant so much for me to work for you.
And that's why I had to quit before I made any more mistakes.
Oh, come on, Linda, we all make mistakes.
Hell, when I was an intern, I once mistakenly declared a guy dead.
Really? What was wrong with him? He appeared to be dead.
The-- The point is, I-- I learned.
And-- And so will you.
I mean, what do you want me to do? Treat you like your parents and give up on you? Or do you want me to say, "Come on, Linda, get your ass in gear?" Is there a third choice? Do you want your job back? Yes, I do.
A lot.
All right.
You know, my job with you is the best thing in my life.
You mean, besides this place.
Well, sure.
Huh.
You know, Dr.
Becker, I have a real urge to hug you.
Yeah, I-- I have a real urge to kill you and live here.
See you in the morning.
Where the hell's my watch? ( upbeat blues theme swells ) ( upbeat blues theme playing )