Better Things (2016) s02e04 Episode Script
Sick
1 Hello.
Is that a mustache? You've got a full mustache.
How did a little boy like you grow a full mustache? What are you getting up to? What's this game? You're trying to fool someone? Why are you going around this store in a fake mustache like that? For what? Suppose I go and get the store manager, or the security guard, and we'll see about your fake mustache? Because I think you (URINATING) SAM: Mom? Mom? Phil? Don't you tell.
- I got the Dan Greenburg hardcover.
- Good.
- You okay? - Yes, I'm fine.
- Okay? - No.
You go.
- What? Why? - Because - You're not getting a book? Ow! - I'm not.
- Jesus.
- I'm not getting a book.
- Why are you pushing? - I don't want anything from here.
- Are you ? - They didn't have what I wanted.
- SAM: Why are you in such a hurry? - Because I want Mother You had me But I never had you I wanted you You didn't want me.
Mom, what was the name of that lame camp you sent us to? Mom! What? Sorry.
What I do? You sent us to a lame camp, remember? Oh.
Sorry.
I tried to pick a good one.
- (PHONE DINGS) - I'm bad.
No.
Mom, what was the camp called? (PHONE DINGS) Never mind.
It's fine.
(PHONE DINGS) Um, can somebody help me with the cans? Somebody? Helping? Please? - Okay, thank you.
- (FRANKIE SCREAMS) (GASPS) Daisy! - Oh, shit.
- Oh, my God.
(GASPS): Oh! - Did she fall down the stairs? - What happened? SAM: Oh, no.
Honey, I think she just got old.
- Mom, check if she's dead! - She's dead.
- Daisy! - Baby, I'm so sorry.
Can we get a rabbit tomorrow? Max.
Give me a break here.
Mom, what are you gonna do with her? Ugh.
I don't know.
I think maybe we should just bury her outside.
- Ew.
- SAM: Ugh.
FRANKIE: You should call animal control.
I have homework.
(DUKE SNIFFLES) You want to help me with the dog, honey? - We could do it together? Hmm? - (DUKE SIGHS, SNIFFLES) (SNIFFLES LOUDLY) I need some time alone.
Sorry, Mom.
I love you.
You okay? Yeah, I'm okay.
I understand.
I'll take care of her.
Love you.
Mmm.
- (CRYING) - I'm sorry.
(SIGHS) (SIGHS) Hello, darling.
Ooh.
(GROANS SOFTLY) There we are.
Okay.
Thank you for picking me up, darling.
I couldn't find my car.
SAM: It's okay, Mom, but we have to make a stop at animal control.
You're not getting another dog.
No.
I'm dropping off Daisy.
She's in the back.
Oh.
She's dead? Yep.
Hmm.
You know what that means? What? Someone new is coming into your life.
One out, one in.
Always works like that.
You always have the same amount of love.
I don't know about that, Phil.
Are you okay? You seem off.
You're off.
Something's going on with you.
Is that what you're going to do with me? Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah.
I thought so.
(RAPID KNOCKING ON DOOR) What?! - Mom! - What? What are you doing? Frankie, go away.
It's 3:00 in the afternoon.
Why are you sleeping? It's Saturday.
Jesus.
What do you want? - Mom, can we adopt a Syrian refugee baby? - No.
Mom, they're dying every day.
You're literally murdering a baby - by not adopting one right now.
- Frankie! Get out! Leave me alone.
Leave me alone! Leave me alone! Dude.
Holy shit.
Sorry.
(DOOR OPENS) (DOOR SLAMS) (PHONE VIBRATES) (VIBRATING CONTINUES) Hi.
Anyway, now he's all insulted because I didn't invite him, but, honey, you have to draw the line somewhere it's like I see him more now than I did when we were together.
- What am I supposed to do? - I know.
Oh, by the way, are you taking the girls anywhere this summer? I don't know, they never all want to do the same thing anymore.
Well, they would if you made them, but you're such a wimp.
Shut up, Rich.
- What? - You're an asshole.
Are you being serious? I can't see your face.
(SIGHS) Can you meet me right now at Pineapple Hill? Right now? I just got to work.
Rich, please, please, please, please, please meet me.
I'll be there in 20 minutes.
Where are you going, Rich? We're about to start.
- (ENGINE STARTS) - Lunch is over! RICH: Sammy.
What is it? What's going on? Is it your mom? Mom's sick? Something's wrong with Mom? No? Honey, you have to tell me.
You can't tell anyone in the world, okay? No matter what, you got to promise me.
No matter what I tell you, - you can't take back your promise.
- I won't tell anyone.
- Promise.
- I promise.
What? Why? Why? Have I ever asked you once to keep a secret? No, honey, you've never asked me for anything ever.
That's why I ran over here.
Tell me what I can't tell.
(SIGHS): Oh, God.
I met somebody.
What? I met a guy (GROANING) Why is that a secret? Because I really like him, and it feels like it could be, like, a serious thing.
Uh, that's wonderful.
No! Don't say that! Stop saying that! I don't want you to say that right now.
Well, Sammy, what the hell, is he married? - No.
- Does he have bad things about him? - No.
No.
- Things you don't want to talk about? - Is he Robert Blake or something? - No.
- Is he, like, 16-years-old? I don't know.
- No! Sam (SIGHS) talk.
Stop this.
Talk.
Now.
You met a guy.
You really like him and it might be serious.
Tell me the bad part now.
I just I really like him.
Like, he checks all the boxes.
He's not perfect, but even that's a box.
Check.
And he really likes me.
Like, he makes me f you know, feel like (GROANS) like a like a lady feeling kind of thing.
Ew.
Gross.
I know.
I haven't felt like this since ever.
Okay, so why is this bad news? Why is this a crisis? (INHALES, EXHALES SHARPLY) (SNIFFS) Because I don't know how to do this, Rich.
I don't know where this goes.
I got no place to put it.
And I don't want it.
I don't.
I I feel mad and scared and upset, and it gives me anxiety.
I mean this is it.
This guy's the thing.
And it's screwing up my life and I I it's freaking me out, and I haven't told anybody because I don't want it to be real.
I'm just trying to figure out how to break up with him.
Break up with him? Yeah.
How do you, uh, break up with a great guy? Sam, oh, my God.
(SIGHS HEAVILY) You've gotten too good at being alone.
You've been hanging out with me too long, that's your problem.
- Mm-hmm.
Yes! - We're silver singles together.
Yes! - This is so easy.
- (LAUGHING) Rich, it's not funny.
Don't laugh.
I mean it.
I'm upset.
It's not funny.
It's bad.
I mean, why am I being such a loser? We were both born losers, honey.
And all your coping skills are for that.
So this is gonna be hard.
(EXHALES): Ooh What do I do? I don't know.
Oh, God.
It's like I'm sick.
I feel like I have the flu.
I'm shaking all the time, I I cry.
I'm tired.
I'm mean to everybody.
My stomach hurts all day.
I have a headache.
Okay, Peggy Ann McKay, so you're sick.
So drink lots of water, get lots of sleep, BRAT diet Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, Toast.
Wait it out but you do not get to break up with him.
I don't? Oh, my God, I love you.
"Oh, no! I met a great guy! What do I do?" Mercy Mer Cy Mercy, mercy Coming to ya.
Where's your key? Hi.
My dad's dropping me off.
I told him he could stay for dinner.
What? Mom, don't be weird.
He's my da-ha-ha-had.
XANDER: Hello.
Hi, there.
Daddy! (DUKE LAUGHS) Oh! Oh.
Oh.
- (PHONE VIBRATING) - Daddy's staying for dinner.
Are you staying, Dad? Well, gee It's up to your mom.
SAM: Oh.
Sure.
Of course.
Yes.
Come on.
I want to show you my school project.
(GROANS) I'm almost done with it, but I want to show you.
When did you redo the floors? Um, I didn't, but (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Dad.
I hope so.
Hi.
XANDER: Who's this? That's Paisley, Dad.
(SCOFFS) I know it's Paisley.
Come on.
- You're so tall.
- Yeah.
Just sing this riff and it's bound to go The flat feet floogie with the floy, floy We should - we should probably go.
- What? Um, you should do your dad.
- Okay, just text me later.
- Yeah, of course.
Okay.
Bye, Sam.
SAM: Bye, honey.
Please make your chicken covered with bacon again for me soon.
SAM: I will.
Tell your mom I send my love, okay? PAISLEY: I will.
Bye.
- SAM: Bye! Bye! - MAX: Bye! (QUIETLY): Mom.
You invite Dad for dinner - and you don't warn me or tell me.
- Shh, shh, shh.
Do you know how effin' awkward this is? - And you you didn't do anything - Shh.
(WHISPERS): that a mother does.
Do you ever plan ahead? Jesus, Max, I didn't invite him.
He was dropping Frankie off.
This got grandfathered in.
Well, maybe if you did invite him once in a while, things could be less awkward.
- Sorry, Mom, you know it's true.
- (SIGHS) Sorry not sorry.
(GROANS) Yes, Max, you're right.
You're right.
That's something that I should do.
And I can't.
I just can't.
I'm a shitty mother.
Okay, Mom.
Let's go back to fake you fake smiling.
Okay.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Would you like to put Duke or Frankie to bed? Uh, I don't think that'd be appropriate.
I mean, this is your house, after all.
I want to be respectful.
Who's putting me to bed? Dad, put me to bed.
- I'm gonna put you to bed, Franks.
- Ugh.
Good night, Xander.
Samwell.
Good night, Mr.
Moonshine.
I had fun with you today.
Me, too.
I'll see you next time I'm in town.
Okay.
See ya.
Wait, when? Uh, hopefully June.
We'll see.
Bro, you comin'? Uh, I'm gonna walk your dad to his car.
And I'll be right up.
'Kay? - (EXHALES) - (CHUCKLES) What a time, huh? I'll tell you, it's the funniest thing.
(SIGHS) Uh, we get to the restaurant and she was like, "Maybe we " ("AROUND THE DIAL" BY THE KINKS PLAYING)
Is that a mustache? You've got a full mustache.
How did a little boy like you grow a full mustache? What are you getting up to? What's this game? You're trying to fool someone? Why are you going around this store in a fake mustache like that? For what? Suppose I go and get the store manager, or the security guard, and we'll see about your fake mustache? Because I think you (URINATING) SAM: Mom? Mom? Phil? Don't you tell.
- I got the Dan Greenburg hardcover.
- Good.
- You okay? - Yes, I'm fine.
- Okay? - No.
You go.
- What? Why? - Because - You're not getting a book? Ow! - I'm not.
- Jesus.
- I'm not getting a book.
- Why are you pushing? - I don't want anything from here.
- Are you ? - They didn't have what I wanted.
- SAM: Why are you in such a hurry? - Because I want Mother You had me But I never had you I wanted you You didn't want me.
Mom, what was the name of that lame camp you sent us to? Mom! What? Sorry.
What I do? You sent us to a lame camp, remember? Oh.
Sorry.
I tried to pick a good one.
- (PHONE DINGS) - I'm bad.
No.
Mom, what was the camp called? (PHONE DINGS) Never mind.
It's fine.
(PHONE DINGS) Um, can somebody help me with the cans? Somebody? Helping? Please? - Okay, thank you.
- (FRANKIE SCREAMS) (GASPS) Daisy! - Oh, shit.
- Oh, my God.
(GASPS): Oh! - Did she fall down the stairs? - What happened? SAM: Oh, no.
Honey, I think she just got old.
- Mom, check if she's dead! - She's dead.
- Daisy! - Baby, I'm so sorry.
Can we get a rabbit tomorrow? Max.
Give me a break here.
Mom, what are you gonna do with her? Ugh.
I don't know.
I think maybe we should just bury her outside.
- Ew.
- SAM: Ugh.
FRANKIE: You should call animal control.
I have homework.
(DUKE SNIFFLES) You want to help me with the dog, honey? - We could do it together? Hmm? - (DUKE SIGHS, SNIFFLES) (SNIFFLES LOUDLY) I need some time alone.
Sorry, Mom.
I love you.
You okay? Yeah, I'm okay.
I understand.
I'll take care of her.
Love you.
Mmm.
- (CRYING) - I'm sorry.
(SIGHS) (SIGHS) Hello, darling.
Ooh.
(GROANS SOFTLY) There we are.
Okay.
Thank you for picking me up, darling.
I couldn't find my car.
SAM: It's okay, Mom, but we have to make a stop at animal control.
You're not getting another dog.
No.
I'm dropping off Daisy.
She's in the back.
Oh.
She's dead? Yep.
Hmm.
You know what that means? What? Someone new is coming into your life.
One out, one in.
Always works like that.
You always have the same amount of love.
I don't know about that, Phil.
Are you okay? You seem off.
You're off.
Something's going on with you.
Is that what you're going to do with me? Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah.
I thought so.
(RAPID KNOCKING ON DOOR) What?! - Mom! - What? What are you doing? Frankie, go away.
It's 3:00 in the afternoon.
Why are you sleeping? It's Saturday.
Jesus.
What do you want? - Mom, can we adopt a Syrian refugee baby? - No.
Mom, they're dying every day.
You're literally murdering a baby - by not adopting one right now.
- Frankie! Get out! Leave me alone.
Leave me alone! Leave me alone! Dude.
Holy shit.
Sorry.
(DOOR OPENS) (DOOR SLAMS) (PHONE VIBRATES) (VIBRATING CONTINUES) Hi.
Anyway, now he's all insulted because I didn't invite him, but, honey, you have to draw the line somewhere it's like I see him more now than I did when we were together.
- What am I supposed to do? - I know.
Oh, by the way, are you taking the girls anywhere this summer? I don't know, they never all want to do the same thing anymore.
Well, they would if you made them, but you're such a wimp.
Shut up, Rich.
- What? - You're an asshole.
Are you being serious? I can't see your face.
(SIGHS) Can you meet me right now at Pineapple Hill? Right now? I just got to work.
Rich, please, please, please, please, please meet me.
I'll be there in 20 minutes.
Where are you going, Rich? We're about to start.
- (ENGINE STARTS) - Lunch is over! RICH: Sammy.
What is it? What's going on? Is it your mom? Mom's sick? Something's wrong with Mom? No? Honey, you have to tell me.
You can't tell anyone in the world, okay? No matter what, you got to promise me.
No matter what I tell you, - you can't take back your promise.
- I won't tell anyone.
- Promise.
- I promise.
What? Why? Why? Have I ever asked you once to keep a secret? No, honey, you've never asked me for anything ever.
That's why I ran over here.
Tell me what I can't tell.
(SIGHS): Oh, God.
I met somebody.
What? I met a guy (GROANING) Why is that a secret? Because I really like him, and it feels like it could be, like, a serious thing.
Uh, that's wonderful.
No! Don't say that! Stop saying that! I don't want you to say that right now.
Well, Sammy, what the hell, is he married? - No.
- Does he have bad things about him? - No.
No.
- Things you don't want to talk about? - Is he Robert Blake or something? - No.
- Is he, like, 16-years-old? I don't know.
- No! Sam (SIGHS) talk.
Stop this.
Talk.
Now.
You met a guy.
You really like him and it might be serious.
Tell me the bad part now.
I just I really like him.
Like, he checks all the boxes.
He's not perfect, but even that's a box.
Check.
And he really likes me.
Like, he makes me f you know, feel like (GROANS) like a like a lady feeling kind of thing.
Ew.
Gross.
I know.
I haven't felt like this since ever.
Okay, so why is this bad news? Why is this a crisis? (INHALES, EXHALES SHARPLY) (SNIFFS) Because I don't know how to do this, Rich.
I don't know where this goes.
I got no place to put it.
And I don't want it.
I don't.
I I feel mad and scared and upset, and it gives me anxiety.
I mean this is it.
This guy's the thing.
And it's screwing up my life and I I it's freaking me out, and I haven't told anybody because I don't want it to be real.
I'm just trying to figure out how to break up with him.
Break up with him? Yeah.
How do you, uh, break up with a great guy? Sam, oh, my God.
(SIGHS HEAVILY) You've gotten too good at being alone.
You've been hanging out with me too long, that's your problem.
- Mm-hmm.
Yes! - We're silver singles together.
Yes! - This is so easy.
- (LAUGHING) Rich, it's not funny.
Don't laugh.
I mean it.
I'm upset.
It's not funny.
It's bad.
I mean, why am I being such a loser? We were both born losers, honey.
And all your coping skills are for that.
So this is gonna be hard.
(EXHALES): Ooh What do I do? I don't know.
Oh, God.
It's like I'm sick.
I feel like I have the flu.
I'm shaking all the time, I I cry.
I'm tired.
I'm mean to everybody.
My stomach hurts all day.
I have a headache.
Okay, Peggy Ann McKay, so you're sick.
So drink lots of water, get lots of sleep, BRAT diet Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, Toast.
Wait it out but you do not get to break up with him.
I don't? Oh, my God, I love you.
"Oh, no! I met a great guy! What do I do?" Mercy Mer Cy Mercy, mercy Coming to ya.
Where's your key? Hi.
My dad's dropping me off.
I told him he could stay for dinner.
What? Mom, don't be weird.
He's my da-ha-ha-had.
XANDER: Hello.
Hi, there.
Daddy! (DUKE LAUGHS) Oh! Oh.
Oh.
- (PHONE VIBRATING) - Daddy's staying for dinner.
Are you staying, Dad? Well, gee It's up to your mom.
SAM: Oh.
Sure.
Of course.
Yes.
Come on.
I want to show you my school project.
(GROANS) I'm almost done with it, but I want to show you.
When did you redo the floors? Um, I didn't, but (INDISTINCT CHATTER) Dad.
I hope so.
Hi.
XANDER: Who's this? That's Paisley, Dad.
(SCOFFS) I know it's Paisley.
Come on.
- You're so tall.
- Yeah.
Just sing this riff and it's bound to go The flat feet floogie with the floy, floy We should - we should probably go.
- What? Um, you should do your dad.
- Okay, just text me later.
- Yeah, of course.
Okay.
Bye, Sam.
SAM: Bye, honey.
Please make your chicken covered with bacon again for me soon.
SAM: I will.
Tell your mom I send my love, okay? PAISLEY: I will.
Bye.
- SAM: Bye! Bye! - MAX: Bye! (QUIETLY): Mom.
You invite Dad for dinner - and you don't warn me or tell me.
- Shh, shh, shh.
Do you know how effin' awkward this is? - And you you didn't do anything - Shh.
(WHISPERS): that a mother does.
Do you ever plan ahead? Jesus, Max, I didn't invite him.
He was dropping Frankie off.
This got grandfathered in.
Well, maybe if you did invite him once in a while, things could be less awkward.
- Sorry, Mom, you know it's true.
- (SIGHS) Sorry not sorry.
(GROANS) Yes, Max, you're right.
You're right.
That's something that I should do.
And I can't.
I just can't.
I'm a shitty mother.
Okay, Mom.
Let's go back to fake you fake smiling.
Okay.
(CRICKETS CHIRPING) (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Would you like to put Duke or Frankie to bed? Uh, I don't think that'd be appropriate.
I mean, this is your house, after all.
I want to be respectful.
Who's putting me to bed? Dad, put me to bed.
- I'm gonna put you to bed, Franks.
- Ugh.
Good night, Xander.
Samwell.
Good night, Mr.
Moonshine.
I had fun with you today.
Me, too.
I'll see you next time I'm in town.
Okay.
See ya.
Wait, when? Uh, hopefully June.
We'll see.
Bro, you comin'? Uh, I'm gonna walk your dad to his car.
And I'll be right up.
'Kay? - (EXHALES) - (CHUCKLES) What a time, huh? I'll tell you, it's the funniest thing.
(SIGHS) Uh, we get to the restaurant and she was like, "Maybe we " ("AROUND THE DIAL" BY THE KINKS PLAYING)