Black Books s02e04 Episode Script
Blood
- Um, how much is this? - £3.
Ahh.
Mmm Is there something wrong with your head? Are you wagging it to say no or is it just uncontrollable? - Uh - You want the price put down? Well, I was thinking £2.
Because £3 is just naked profiteering for a book a mere What'll I do with that extra pound? I'll add an acre to the grounds, I'll chuck some more koi carp in my piano-shaped pond.
No, I'll build a wing on the National Gallery in my name.
- 2.
50.
- That's more like it.
- Hm.
- Now you're being reasonable.
gets you this much, you can have the rest for the other 50p.
- But you - Thank you.
- Bernard - Don't start, customer lover.
I was just gonna say I'm off to get the paint.
Why? The shop is the way it is because it is the way it is.
Otherwise it wouldn't be the way it is.
- It needs doing.
- It has character.
Character is an ambience, a feeling.
It's not something with fur and a beak.
They've moved the nest again.
I was gonna get two brushes, by the way.
You can paint with both hands? - I was thinking - No, you just thought you were.
- Well, maybe if - No! - But if - No! I don't want to be bothered, you big, hairy - Oh, hello.
- Hello.
- What's the matter with you? - Dunno.
I'm just a big cloud of dunno.
Since my shop closed I feel empty all the time.
You hated your shop.
Yeah, but hating it took up my whole life.
Without it I'm disconnected.
I buy things to cheer myself up.
I go to get a paper and I come back with all this.
Chocolate, magazines.
- And a Vauxhall Astra.
- Ah.
Well, this is a very difficult time for you, you know.
You should get professional help.
- So I should talk to a - Barman, yes.
The pub, now.
- It's that serious? - Oh, yes.
Manny, can you look after the shop until Manny gets You're not busy.
Keep an eye on the shop.
For an hour.
Sorry, wrong shop.
Manny! Hello, sir.
I am the information point.
Can I help you? I hope so.
I was looking for a pair of hobnail boots.
I want to jump on somebody who's ruining my life.
I can explain.
I went to get paint and I went to that big bookshop, Saga Books.
They had coffee and places to sit.
I thought, "We need to be more like them.
" I walked in and I instantly bought £114 worth of books, all because it was so nice.
Look at this.
A novel by a 12-year-old Spaniard.
An account of the Nazi space programme.
- Er - This won't work! A large-print biography of Basil Brush.
Actually, that's quite good.
No one needs sofas that eat you.
No one needs information points.
Fran did.
She wanted something to occupy her, so I suggested she check out her family tree.
And I informed her of our new genealogy section.
Hey right, if you trace it back, and I might be wrong about this, I come from a very good line and apparently, I am Queen Victoria's uncle.
- I'll start again.
- It's all going back to how it was.
Coffee and books is a fad.
Nobody is gonna be fooled by this.
Excuse me, could I have these, please? - They're £80.
- It's a lot, isn't it? But your information point showed me where they were, I sat on your comfortable sofa and scanned them and thought, "Oh, treat yourself.
" Come again! With coffee that good, I think I will.
Bernard, Bernard, put your thing on.
I'm back now.
I KNOW! I've been to the shops.
That deserves a star.
No, stars are for achievement.
My 40th cigarette this afternoon, that deserves a star.
OK, this is brilliant.
I had another go at my family tree and I've got relatives from eastern Europe living practically round the corner! - Is that news or what? - Ooh.
It's amazing, putting it together.
Stop me if this gets boring.
You check the records Stop.
Well, I don't care.
Because I've got roots.
I don't need you.
Sorry to be such a BORE! Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to be with my people.
Um - poliknish.
- Poliknish! No, no, don't wipe.
You've never had a traditional Tishtayan kiss before.
You poor girl! - Here she is.
- Oh, Fran! Poliknish! This is Frederic.
Martina.
And Gregor.
Naughty! - Our long-lost cousin.
- Sit, Fran, sit.
Drink bean tea with us.
Oh, it's in a little glass.
No, no, that's your right hand.
That's how they drink tea in Athbekistan.
Anyone who drinks tea with their right hand is an enemy.
Hooray.
So, tell us all about yourself, Fran.
- Well, I was born - Do you have a car? Yes.
I mean, it's just an Astra.
To have such a success in our family.
Someone who owns an Astra! P- Poliknish.
Oh, isn't this nice? P- Poliknish.
I have to have the rest of that book.
Here's that 50p.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
I was thinking £15.
- What? - No, you're right.
25.
This is totally unfair.
Mmm.
Mmm.
What you did contravenes our Customer Code Promise Pledge.
- What? - If we're gonna compete, we must offer equal service.
- That's why we made the CCPP.
- Oh, we did, did we? You were helping a customer at the time.
The fellow with the red hair, kept calling you Bern cos of your badge.
That's quite funny, actually.
Bern.
One - the customer is not only always right, he or she is also fun to be around.
Remark on their wise choices and laugh at their jokes.
If you happen to be wearing a top of lower cut than usual, - well, no harm done.
- Can't say it's not working.
Two - if the sides of your head don't hurt, smile more.
Yes.
More, more No, that looks nasty.
Take it down.
That's it.
The management should have regular meetings with the staff to sound out any grievances.
- How's it going? - Fine.
Good.
Meeting over.
Oh, look, you've popped out.
- What are you doing tomorrow? - Nothing planned.
Martina's moving into a new flat and she needs a bit of help - and none of us have a car.
- Oh, no, no.
I couldn't.
- I'll help, no problem.
- Ta, ta.
After that, there's some ham I need to pick up from Folkestone.
- Lots of ham.
- Folkestone? S- Sure, I'll take you, yeah.
Hooray! Bernard, see that bloke with the cappuccino? I sold him Ulysses, a Ulysses guide and a handbook to the Ulysses guide.
Can I have a star, please? You can have as many stars as you like because I'm not doing this any more.
I want less people in the shop.
If we're not reordering books, we're steaming milk for the bambaccinos.
We're like a high-street chain.
They don't respect us because we've given them everything.
Wait a minute Where did they go? What did we do? It's 12:45, they're getting food.
Is our coffee not enough? - You wanted less people here.
- Don't twist my words.
You said "less people in the shop".
We can't let them leave.
We can feed them.
Lunch and dinner.
And we'll build a pool.
And a gym! And an Egyptian-style casino.
No, that's a bit much.
But if they could eat, they'd stay and buy books all day.
From now on, we run a full restaurant service.
Do your friends at Saga Books do that, huh? I don't think so.
- We can't run a restaurant.
- Course we can.
Because from now on, the only stars we'll be looking at will be Dunlop stars! - Michelin stars.
- Them as well! Oh, I'm tired, Grandma.
Can I have a cold drink, please? Oh, Fran, what you need is some hot bean tea, eh? I'm sorry I couldn't help with the hams but it musses up my hair.
I, uh, I think I'll go home, get to bed.
Yes, rest, Fran.
Then on Saturday you'll take Gregor to the hospital.
It's a little out of the way - Aberdeen.
Oh, no, no, I can't.
Take a jiffy, maybe two little jiffies.
I can't, because I'm I'm giving a talk.
At the London School of Economics.
And also, I have to have a bath.
Let me explain, Fran.
Any one member of the family is like this bean.
But the family is tightly bound, like this sausage.
And if one member does not help the family, well Saturday, you drive.
Have you got the lobsters? Put them in the pot.
- What's it gonna be? - Our signature dish - luxury pie.
The food of kings.
Truffles, saffron, caviar and champagne.
Drizzle it, drizzle it.
Mmmmm.
Rich.
OK, starter's done.
Now for the mains.
The food's attracting those creatures.
They've got bigger.
Look, he's got an onion! All the best kitchens are dirty.
Slice the garlic.
They're getting huge.
We'll soon be able to saddle 'em up and ride into town.
I'm not totally convinced we should open as a restaurant and if we do - and I'm not entirely sure - I don't think we should open tonight.
Shut up.
I'm trying to make crème brûlée.
Must you drink so much? How else will we get candles in empty wine bottles? Here's two for you, get stuck in.
Why are you talking in English? Only French in my kitchen.
Il n'y a pas d'anything else.
Putain! Mine, I think.
- I'm in trouble, I need advice.
- Hang on.
- Right.
- That family I found.
I met them, became one of them and I want to get rid of them.
Right.
And you got me into it.
So Mr Information Man, how do I get out? OK.
What about this? - Fran! - How's the car? Never better.
Ooh, tea.
Oh! My right hand, how awful.
Oh, I'll make it up to you, by singing the Tishtayan national anthem.
I've been practising it.
Ahem.
No, no, that's the Athbekistan national anthem - that verse mocks our country's nuclear power facilities.
Well, you'll have to disown me now, won't you? People with Astras can drink with their right hand and sing whatever they like.
That's how it's been for centuries.
So, we forgive you.
Let's celebrate with a drive around town and an up-slap meal.
- Where's the thing? - On top of the thing! Blancmange is always so fiddly.
Gourmet food is always presented in little towers.
What's that? - Soup.
- Well, get it in a tower.
You're a cook, you have to commit.
Show me your hands.
Cooks have burns.
We're cooks.
I'll do it to myself later.
Come on, quickly, quickly! Come on! - Fran, our food's very late.
- Fran, make food come.
Manny, I can't get rid of them.
- Fran, be a waitress.
- No, I'm sick of doing favours.
- I can pay you.
- Really? - No.
- OK.
Take this out to table 12 No, there are no plates.
Well, use recipe books with pictures of plates! Do I have to explain everything here? Not enough mint.
Manny, do you have a tower of soup for me? What's this? Where are the turrets? It's rubbish, start again! - Where are my ingredients? - We've cooked them all! I don't care! I can make a feast from anything.
This paint.
This paint will make a tasty dish.
My oven can cook anything, my oven can cook bits of oven.
Yes.
Yes! Yes, oh yes, oh yes.
Excellent food at reasonable prices - it's not that hard.
Is everyone finished being sick yet? No, I think Grandma has some way still to go.
I brought you here.
You all got food poisoning.
It's all my fault.
I can't ask you to forgive me now.
The bonds of third cousinhood can never be broken.
Now, you take us home.
Wait a minute.
Oh, no! Something terrible has happened.
Someone set fire to the car! Still, I know that in this moment of hardship, my family will stick by me.
The No, no, they didn't go there, they went over there.
We're a book shop, Manny.
- What is wrong with that? - Yeah.
Trying to be a restaurant, what were we thinking? Yeah.
With the bloody sofa and the stupid coffee.
Ridiculous.
The place is lovely as it is.
Oh, I'm free.
Anyway, my friends have always been my real family.
- What do you want? - Tenner.
- For a taxi to my evening class.
- What are you doing? Persian Cats Throughout French History, just to fill the time.
I did it.
I got the queen.
Ahh.
Mmm Is there something wrong with your head? Are you wagging it to say no or is it just uncontrollable? - Uh - You want the price put down? Well, I was thinking £2.
Because £3 is just naked profiteering for a book a mere What'll I do with that extra pound? I'll add an acre to the grounds, I'll chuck some more koi carp in my piano-shaped pond.
No, I'll build a wing on the National Gallery in my name.
- 2.
50.
- That's more like it.
- Hm.
- Now you're being reasonable.
gets you this much, you can have the rest for the other 50p.
- But you - Thank you.
- Bernard - Don't start, customer lover.
I was just gonna say I'm off to get the paint.
Why? The shop is the way it is because it is the way it is.
Otherwise it wouldn't be the way it is.
- It needs doing.
- It has character.
Character is an ambience, a feeling.
It's not something with fur and a beak.
They've moved the nest again.
I was gonna get two brushes, by the way.
You can paint with both hands? - I was thinking - No, you just thought you were.
- Well, maybe if - No! - But if - No! I don't want to be bothered, you big, hairy - Oh, hello.
- Hello.
- What's the matter with you? - Dunno.
I'm just a big cloud of dunno.
Since my shop closed I feel empty all the time.
You hated your shop.
Yeah, but hating it took up my whole life.
Without it I'm disconnected.
I buy things to cheer myself up.
I go to get a paper and I come back with all this.
Chocolate, magazines.
- And a Vauxhall Astra.
- Ah.
Well, this is a very difficult time for you, you know.
You should get professional help.
- So I should talk to a - Barman, yes.
The pub, now.
- It's that serious? - Oh, yes.
Manny, can you look after the shop until Manny gets You're not busy.
Keep an eye on the shop.
For an hour.
Sorry, wrong shop.
Manny! Hello, sir.
I am the information point.
Can I help you? I hope so.
I was looking for a pair of hobnail boots.
I want to jump on somebody who's ruining my life.
I can explain.
I went to get paint and I went to that big bookshop, Saga Books.
They had coffee and places to sit.
I thought, "We need to be more like them.
" I walked in and I instantly bought £114 worth of books, all because it was so nice.
Look at this.
A novel by a 12-year-old Spaniard.
An account of the Nazi space programme.
- Er - This won't work! A large-print biography of Basil Brush.
Actually, that's quite good.
No one needs sofas that eat you.
No one needs information points.
Fran did.
She wanted something to occupy her, so I suggested she check out her family tree.
And I informed her of our new genealogy section.
Hey right, if you trace it back, and I might be wrong about this, I come from a very good line and apparently, I am Queen Victoria's uncle.
- I'll start again.
- It's all going back to how it was.
Coffee and books is a fad.
Nobody is gonna be fooled by this.
Excuse me, could I have these, please? - They're £80.
- It's a lot, isn't it? But your information point showed me where they were, I sat on your comfortable sofa and scanned them and thought, "Oh, treat yourself.
" Come again! With coffee that good, I think I will.
Bernard, Bernard, put your thing on.
I'm back now.
I KNOW! I've been to the shops.
That deserves a star.
No, stars are for achievement.
My 40th cigarette this afternoon, that deserves a star.
OK, this is brilliant.
I had another go at my family tree and I've got relatives from eastern Europe living practically round the corner! - Is that news or what? - Ooh.
It's amazing, putting it together.
Stop me if this gets boring.
You check the records Stop.
Well, I don't care.
Because I've got roots.
I don't need you.
Sorry to be such a BORE! Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to be with my people.
Um - poliknish.
- Poliknish! No, no, don't wipe.
You've never had a traditional Tishtayan kiss before.
You poor girl! - Here she is.
- Oh, Fran! Poliknish! This is Frederic.
Martina.
And Gregor.
Naughty! - Our long-lost cousin.
- Sit, Fran, sit.
Drink bean tea with us.
Oh, it's in a little glass.
No, no, that's your right hand.
That's how they drink tea in Athbekistan.
Anyone who drinks tea with their right hand is an enemy.
Hooray.
So, tell us all about yourself, Fran.
- Well, I was born - Do you have a car? Yes.
I mean, it's just an Astra.
To have such a success in our family.
Someone who owns an Astra! P- Poliknish.
Oh, isn't this nice? P- Poliknish.
I have to have the rest of that book.
Here's that 50p.
Hmm.
Hmm.
Hmm.
I was thinking £15.
- What? - No, you're right.
25.
This is totally unfair.
Mmm.
Mmm.
What you did contravenes our Customer Code Promise Pledge.
- What? - If we're gonna compete, we must offer equal service.
- That's why we made the CCPP.
- Oh, we did, did we? You were helping a customer at the time.
The fellow with the red hair, kept calling you Bern cos of your badge.
That's quite funny, actually.
Bern.
One - the customer is not only always right, he or she is also fun to be around.
Remark on their wise choices and laugh at their jokes.
If you happen to be wearing a top of lower cut than usual, - well, no harm done.
- Can't say it's not working.
Two - if the sides of your head don't hurt, smile more.
Yes.
More, more No, that looks nasty.
Take it down.
That's it.
The management should have regular meetings with the staff to sound out any grievances.
- How's it going? - Fine.
Good.
Meeting over.
Oh, look, you've popped out.
- What are you doing tomorrow? - Nothing planned.
Martina's moving into a new flat and she needs a bit of help - and none of us have a car.
- Oh, no, no.
I couldn't.
- I'll help, no problem.
- Ta, ta.
After that, there's some ham I need to pick up from Folkestone.
- Lots of ham.
- Folkestone? S- Sure, I'll take you, yeah.
Hooray! Bernard, see that bloke with the cappuccino? I sold him Ulysses, a Ulysses guide and a handbook to the Ulysses guide.
Can I have a star, please? You can have as many stars as you like because I'm not doing this any more.
I want less people in the shop.
If we're not reordering books, we're steaming milk for the bambaccinos.
We're like a high-street chain.
They don't respect us because we've given them everything.
Wait a minute Where did they go? What did we do? It's 12:45, they're getting food.
Is our coffee not enough? - You wanted less people here.
- Don't twist my words.
You said "less people in the shop".
We can't let them leave.
We can feed them.
Lunch and dinner.
And we'll build a pool.
And a gym! And an Egyptian-style casino.
No, that's a bit much.
But if they could eat, they'd stay and buy books all day.
From now on, we run a full restaurant service.
Do your friends at Saga Books do that, huh? I don't think so.
- We can't run a restaurant.
- Course we can.
Because from now on, the only stars we'll be looking at will be Dunlop stars! - Michelin stars.
- Them as well! Oh, I'm tired, Grandma.
Can I have a cold drink, please? Oh, Fran, what you need is some hot bean tea, eh? I'm sorry I couldn't help with the hams but it musses up my hair.
I, uh, I think I'll go home, get to bed.
Yes, rest, Fran.
Then on Saturday you'll take Gregor to the hospital.
It's a little out of the way - Aberdeen.
Oh, no, no, I can't.
Take a jiffy, maybe two little jiffies.
I can't, because I'm I'm giving a talk.
At the London School of Economics.
And also, I have to have a bath.
Let me explain, Fran.
Any one member of the family is like this bean.
But the family is tightly bound, like this sausage.
And if one member does not help the family, well Saturday, you drive.
Have you got the lobsters? Put them in the pot.
- What's it gonna be? - Our signature dish - luxury pie.
The food of kings.
Truffles, saffron, caviar and champagne.
Drizzle it, drizzle it.
Mmmmm.
Rich.
OK, starter's done.
Now for the mains.
The food's attracting those creatures.
They've got bigger.
Look, he's got an onion! All the best kitchens are dirty.
Slice the garlic.
They're getting huge.
We'll soon be able to saddle 'em up and ride into town.
I'm not totally convinced we should open as a restaurant and if we do - and I'm not entirely sure - I don't think we should open tonight.
Shut up.
I'm trying to make crème brûlée.
Must you drink so much? How else will we get candles in empty wine bottles? Here's two for you, get stuck in.
Why are you talking in English? Only French in my kitchen.
Il n'y a pas d'anything else.
Putain! Mine, I think.
- I'm in trouble, I need advice.
- Hang on.
- Right.
- That family I found.
I met them, became one of them and I want to get rid of them.
Right.
And you got me into it.
So Mr Information Man, how do I get out? OK.
What about this? - Fran! - How's the car? Never better.
Ooh, tea.
Oh! My right hand, how awful.
Oh, I'll make it up to you, by singing the Tishtayan national anthem.
I've been practising it.
Ahem.
No, no, that's the Athbekistan national anthem - that verse mocks our country's nuclear power facilities.
Well, you'll have to disown me now, won't you? People with Astras can drink with their right hand and sing whatever they like.
That's how it's been for centuries.
So, we forgive you.
Let's celebrate with a drive around town and an up-slap meal.
- Where's the thing? - On top of the thing! Blancmange is always so fiddly.
Gourmet food is always presented in little towers.
What's that? - Soup.
- Well, get it in a tower.
You're a cook, you have to commit.
Show me your hands.
Cooks have burns.
We're cooks.
I'll do it to myself later.
Come on, quickly, quickly! Come on! - Fran, our food's very late.
- Fran, make food come.
Manny, I can't get rid of them.
- Fran, be a waitress.
- No, I'm sick of doing favours.
- I can pay you.
- Really? - No.
- OK.
Take this out to table 12 No, there are no plates.
Well, use recipe books with pictures of plates! Do I have to explain everything here? Not enough mint.
Manny, do you have a tower of soup for me? What's this? Where are the turrets? It's rubbish, start again! - Where are my ingredients? - We've cooked them all! I don't care! I can make a feast from anything.
This paint.
This paint will make a tasty dish.
My oven can cook anything, my oven can cook bits of oven.
Yes.
Yes! Yes, oh yes, oh yes.
Excellent food at reasonable prices - it's not that hard.
Is everyone finished being sick yet? No, I think Grandma has some way still to go.
I brought you here.
You all got food poisoning.
It's all my fault.
I can't ask you to forgive me now.
The bonds of third cousinhood can never be broken.
Now, you take us home.
Wait a minute.
Oh, no! Something terrible has happened.
Someone set fire to the car! Still, I know that in this moment of hardship, my family will stick by me.
The No, no, they didn't go there, they went over there.
We're a book shop, Manny.
- What is wrong with that? - Yeah.
Trying to be a restaurant, what were we thinking? Yeah.
With the bloody sofa and the stupid coffee.
Ridiculous.
The place is lovely as it is.
Oh, I'm free.
Anyway, my friends have always been my real family.
- What do you want? - Tenner.
- For a taxi to my evening class.
- What are you doing? Persian Cats Throughout French History, just to fill the time.
I did it.
I got the queen.