Black Jesus (2014) s02e04 Episode Script

1 Ooh! Ooh! Oh! Ah.
Oh.
Ah.
Ah.
There you go, Lloyd.
Now tell me that wasn't 30 minutes of pure heaven.
How dare you violate an innocent old man's feet like that! Towel! Damn, Lloyd, you done made a bucket of chitlin water over there.
Get that rope off me! Look, man, you got a problem with it, holla at Pops, man.
I ain't feel like doing this shit, no way, man, but he guided me in my dream and told me I had to wash your feet.
Well, what if I want my feet dirty? Look, this ain't about you, Lloyd.
Pops say I'm too big for my britches, man.
He had to remind me that I'm not above washing some nasty mother(bleep) feet like yours.
You and God need to leave me out of your sick little foot fetish! And don't expect a tip.
Ooh! Mm, that feels so good.
Better than the last few times I got some.
Ew, Ma! Ew, nothing, Boonie! Grow up! You know, Ms.
Tudi, it's always been kind of like a gift for me, washing feet.
You know what I'm saying? But you can count on Pops to bless me with a old wild-ass talent like foot washing.
You saying you can't make no money doing this? I mean, it ain't that.
It's just, every time I do it, I do it 'cause he make me do it.
You know, he ain't never told me I could charge people for it.
Did he tell you you couldn't charge for it? Huh? Look, look, it's like when you was a carpenter.
Remember that? God asked you to go legit.
God gave you a skill.
What's the problem? So what would I do? Would I, like, set up on a street corner or get me a little booth at the swap meet or something? You said God told you to buy that stupid-ass food truck, right? - Yeah.
- Maybe this is why.
A mobile spa van.
We can call it, uh, "Angelic Hands.
" Listen here, we'll go downtown, and we'll set up outside the yoga spot, right? I know I can get two dozen bitches, a dub each.
50/50.
How that sound? I don't know, Ms.
Tudi.
You be with that bullshit.
You'll mess around and have a brother crossed up.
No pun intended, 'cause I been crossed up before, and the shit don't feel good.
Okay, guilty, but look.
You know I've been trying to walk that path.
A better path and in your light.
If we can make some money rubbing bitches' feet, can't get no more legit than that.
We could be doing a lot worse.
I'm just saying.
See what I'm saying? I hear you.
Sound good.
I'm wit' it.
Stop that shit! You like that? I'm getting excited! Look here.
I'm gonna make a sweet logo on the side.
It's gonna say "Angelic Hands.
" I'm seeing your vision, Ms.
Tudi.
I'm seeing it right now.
It's looking fly.
I'm getting butterflies, and, yeah, it's dope, it's And listen, I'm gonna take care of everything.
And look here.
- You.
- Oh, Ms.
Tudi, that ain't even necessary.
You ain't got to do that.
But I'll take it though.
How he get to smoke in the house? 'Cause he Jesus! Jesus! Man, I been looking all over for you.
Why don't you hook a brother up with another one of them massages? My feet still tingly.
I feel young and spry! Oh, so now you want one after you was being all funky about it earlier.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, look, I'll bow, I'll hold my head down.
Right here.
Look.
Come on, hook me up.
Look at that.
Look, Lloyd, if you really want one that bad, man, we gonna be downtown in a couple hours by the yoga spot.
I might be able to hook you up if I got some time.
- Just if I got time, Lloyd.
- But, Jesus, I need the hookup right now.
Look on, man.
Come on, brother, hook me up.
Downtown, Lloyd.
Downtown.
Jesus, you never come through! Jesus! Really, Jesus? Always on time, huh? Oh, come on, Ms.
Tudi.
You got to give me a break.
I had to get some weed.
Yeah, I'm about to get me a sugar mama.
Bunch of older broads with disposable income and low expectations for future prospects.
Boonie, all these hoes can do better than you, hear? - Hey.
- Leave 'em alone.
I can look at some post-prime ass in yoga pants if I want to, Mama.
What you think? "Hands of God," Ms.
Tudi? I thought you was going with "Angelic Hands.
" Them don't even look like my hands.
Yeah, but look, the "Hands of God" just has more "Mmm!" Hey, you know God got more "Mmm" for your ass.
You know the rules, Ms.
Tudi! Don't use God's name in vain! Jesus, please, would you just stop worrying?! Tudi, how much longer? Okay, Teresa, listen, come-come here, baby.
We getting ready to get started, girl, hear? Hell yeah.
Come on in, get nice and close.
Okay, Jesus.
Ta-DA! Yeah! All right, my queens, get ready for the time of your life.
- Tudi? - What? - That's the Hands of God? - Teresa, this is a peaceful environment here.
Namaste.
Namaste.
Uh, ladies, this here is Fish.
He ain't bad.
And he will be attending to your needs while you wait.
Whatever your needs.
What you want me to do, Ms.
Tudi? Nigga, I don't know.
Just what? Rub their shoulders, you know, make 'em happy.
And lose this.
- Take off the jacket, nigga! - Yeah! Mmm! No, no, no! It's too hot for that jacket.
Take Yes, take it off! And Mama's got a lot of needs.
How long he gonna be in there with that bitch? Shit.
Coming in! Hey, Teresa.
How you doing? All right, girl.
Go ahead and enjoy.
Thanks.
Would you wrap this ho up? We got a whole line of people out there.
Tudi, your boy hands feel like they on fire, man.
I been here rubbing for Listen, stop falling in love with these bitches' feet.
Ten minutes max.
Hey, yo, boy, you good? All right, boy.
What, you a massage fluffer now? Ha! Bitches gonna get tired and leave.
What's up, Ms.
Tudi Fruity, massaging that booty? - Hey, girl.
- You messing with eses now? Don't judge me.
I got all the colors you asked for.
Okay.
Yeah.
Go on and set up in Boonie's trunk.
All right.
You look like a heavy metal mariachi singer.
- What is you doing? - Shut up, Fat Albert.
- Whew.
- Well, well, well.
Oh, Ms.
Tudi.
Thank you, girl.
Mmm, thank you.
Whew.
Get them girls in there.
- Hey, Tudi.
- What? - What about him? - What about him? How much does he cost? I'm feeling a little stiff.
I could use, like, a full-body massage.
I'm talking deep tissue.
If you know what I mean.
Lookie here, deep tissue gonna cost you a little extra.
Ms.
Tudi.
Ms.
Tudi.
I need to talk to you.
Hey, I'm burnt out.
Yeah, I need, like, a ten-minute break.
I'll be right back.
Just I just need, like, ten minutes.
I'm-a do you one better than that.
What's that? You done for the day.
- You bullshittin'.
- Great work.
And look here.
Look, look.
That's for you, partner.
For me? Thank you.
What about the line? Oh, no, no, no.
The guys are gonna do that.
They-they got that.
But what I do need you to do is to go round up some more business for tomorrow.
I was thinking maybe you could take Maggie and y'all could go to the market on Normandie, set up in front of there, and give away some free samples.
- Spread the word.
- Spread the word! You got it.
Thank you.
Look.
Look here, look here.
God is good, ain't he? Aw.
Aw.
All the time.
God is good, ain't he? That's a little something for you.
Oh! Uh ladies.
Jesus had to go and do some of the Lord's work, but, um, Fish here, he's gonna take care of you.
- - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Uh, excuse me.
Just a minute.
Come over here, baby.
I ain't said nothing about rubbing no feet.
Listen, I need you to do this for me.
Them bitches might go crazy if they don't get their feet rubbed.
Look I got us a quarter.
A quarter.
I'm talking about some good shit, Fish.
- And it's for me? - It's for you.
And all I got to do is rub some feet? All you got to do.
Just rub.
Stuff.
Oh! Hey, hey! It ain't that kind of party! It's cool.
I talked to Tudi.
I want that full-body treatment.
Wait, wait.
Ms.
Tudi, get over here.
What? Did you promise those women I would have sex with them? No! No.
Who said that? She did.
I-I didn't say that.
What did you say? I said that you might be open to some, uh, you know, private service providing.
I mean, you know, kind of, remember when we were at that party and you were stripping? Kind of like that.
You said you wouldn't tell nobody about that.
Nigga, I didn't.
If you do this for me, I'm not talking weed no more, hear? I'm talking money.
I'm talking real money.
- Ms.
Tudi.
- Hmm? Are you trying to pimp me? No, nigga.
I'm trying to get you paid for pleasuring them women.
Let's make some money, hear? I'm talking fifty-fifty.
- Fifty-fifty? - Mm-hmm.
And how is that not pimping? Because pimps try to control people, - take advantage of them.
- Mm-hmm.
I'm trying to get you paid for your talent.
I'm a talent agent.
Listen, listen, listen.
God gave you a gift.
He gave you the gift of sexiness.
Now, if a consenting adult wants to pay for that talent, what could be wrong with that? What, you expect me to have sex with 15 women in that little trailer? I mean, I'm slanging it, but that's-that's asking a lot.
Nigga, I'm not talking about full-on sex.
I'm talking about a little handiwork, know what I'm saying? Come on, now.
Come on.
Go on in there and handle your business, all right? Handle it! Okay, who's next? Ooh, I can't wait! My body's shaking! Look it! Hey, what the (bleep) you doing here, man? I come to get my feet massaged! Hey, excuse me, miss.
I know it don't look like it, but my hands is nice, luxurious.
What's up with you and Trigger? - I don't know.
- What you mean you don't know? - He a nice dude.
- I know.
But, like, all this makeup and shit.
It's too much work.
Yeah, I can dig it.
I don't even know why Ms.
Tudi sent us out here, man.
It was crackin' at the van, man.
- We was getting money.
- I know.
She's the boss though.
Hey, what's up, homey? Let me touch them big-ass feet.
Hey, well, you got to get your massage, homey.
When guys do it real hard, they compensating for something.
I believe that.
Mmm.
Ooh, he cute.
That ain't Jesus.
What the hell going on around here? Y'all got some nasty, funky business around here to me.
Thanks, bro.
Hey, that's messed up, man.
You get enough ass, man.
Leave the old flabby bitches for your boy.
Crazy, man.
I'm just in there giving them extraordinary - foot massage.
- Nigga, you do not have the hands of Jesus Christ.
Whatever the hell you doing up in there damn sure - ain't no foot massage.
- Damn, really? Tudi promised that I'd be out of here by 5:30.
Hey, hey, hey, Linda, just chill, okay? He gonna be with you in a minute.
Hey! What you doing, taking a break? I'm gonna smoke the rest of this blunt before I do - any more of them foot massages.
- So yeah.
Five minutes, nigga, hear? Hey, Mama, if you want to, I can bang the bitches in the truck.
- I'd g - Boonie, don't nobody want your fat ass, - hear? - Tudi.
- Bitch, what?! - I j Mm.
I just said he gonna be with you in a minute, okay? Ms.
Tudi, I been in line all day.
I want my pedicure by Jesus, - not this knucklehead.
- Okay, Lloyd, what I need you to do is take your drunk ass and go home.
Jesus promised me a massage.
I need my foot massage.
I got the shakes.
- I need my foot fix! - Boonie, Boonie.
Come on.
Get this drunk nigga out of here.
Hey, you respect my mama, uh, like she about something, man.
This bitch put in a lot of work into Nigga, what'd I tell you about calling me a bitch? - I don't like that! - This is false advertisement! Fraud.
I'm gonna sue.
Sue, nigga! Get out my face.
I'm gonna call the cops on these Negroes.
Hey, and you heifers straighten up! Straighten that line up! You don't want none of that? - I'm-I'm good, thank you.
- It's too soon? - A little.
- I sometimes do that.
You know, when I saw your profile, I was like, "Damn, she got a booty like Beyoncé and a face like my fiancée.
" I was like, "Whoa.
" I thought I had, like, a J.
Lo, but I had a J.
No, but then I saw you, I was, like, well, J.
Whoa, J.
Ho.
- Excuse me? - You here with the little police officer glasses, like CHiPs.
7-Adam-Mary-3.
Okay, okay.
First of all, nobody wears my glasses.
Okay? Oh, I mean, that's cool.
You know, I'm kind of like that, too, with mine.
But you do know what, I saw you when you walked in, I was like, "Damn, it ain't Halloween but I see pumpkins!" Got a little pumpkin patch in the back, you know what I'm saying? You know, I've-I've always been sensitive though.
You know what I'm saying? I'm a mama's boy.
You know, for real.
That's why I stay with my moms, you know.
I just chill out with her.
I love to see my mom.
She had me.
You know, we're kind of joined at the hip.
We almost like Siamese twins.
D-Did you just say that you-you live with your mother? Oh, yeah.
But it's just a temporary thing.
You know, I like to check on her Okay, how temporary? How-how Three or four years I been just chilling, you know what I'm saying.
Just making sure she's straight though before she - I got to take this call real quick.
Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
Do your thing.
- Call You call your mom? - Uh I inspire people like that.
Damn, you inspire me with them jeans.
Insp Down, boy.
Down.
Hello, this is Dianne.
Dianne, it's Lloyd.
That shit was just weird.
It's like, all of a sudden, she needed an excuse to get me away.
I think she up to something.
For real, man.
I mean, I don't understand.
We was getting money.
We was No way! Jesus, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Hey, what's up, Frank? Want a free foot massage and a pedicure? No, Jesus.
I want you out of here.
Seriously.
No soliciting! Frank, we ain't even soliciting, man.
We showing people God's love through foot care.
I do not want to hear it.
Pack your shit and get out of here now! Frank, man, that's (bleep) up how you talking to me, man.
I'm Jesus Christ, dawg.
Uh, yeah, thank you for 2,000 years of religious intolerance, asshole! And the Crusades? Great job.
(bleep) off and get out now! That's (bleep) up, Frank, man.
It-it's like that? I will call the cops.
Go! Jesus, when did Frank become such a hard-core atheist? Hey.
- Hey, what's going on? - I'm so sorry.
I've got to get home and change and I've got to get to work.
- Oh, right now? - Oh, yeah You want me to come with you? I'll come with you.
- No, I'm good.
- You need to drink your drink though.
- No, you keep it.
- You should drink this though.
No, no? Okay, okay.
It's all you.
You ain't leave no money though.
You ain't They banging in there, I'm-a tell you right now.
Ain't nobody banging in there.
It's going on up in there.
Stop, Boonie! Oh, Jesus! Oh, snap.
Don't say that.
I know what they're doing back there.
- What are they doing? - Come on, let's go.
Tudi, how much longer this dude gonna be tickling my feet, stretching my legs all out? Damn.
There they go, Officer.
Oh, they promise you the Hand of God for your feet, but the only hand you'll get is that thieving-ass hoodlum Fish, all up in your female stuff! Eh, uh, we get the picture.
Thank you, Lloyd, thank you.
Come on.
Jason?! Hey, baby.
Um, what you doing here? We got a report on some illicit activity and possible prostitution in a food truck.
What are you doing here?! - And with this hood rat? - Baby, listen.
Let me explain, okay? - Oh, God.
- Jesus.
I can't believe you! Is this what you call going legit? No, no, no, let me explain.
Are you a prostitute, Jason? Nah, hell no, he just the fluffer.
Ooh, fluffer? Oh, so you're just a puta, huh? Hey, hey, I got this.
I got this.
Move.
Look here, J.
Lo.
I know my rights, and you need a warrant.
- Muévete.
Hi, Dianne.
What's up? Want a foot massage? Yeah, right.
Come on, out.
You're under arrest.
Oh, okay, I'm gonna finish her up real quick and I'll be right at you.
- Let's go, now! - I can't believe it.
Jesus in there giving them ladies dirty hand job.
Whoo! All right, I know how this goes.
I've done this all too many times.
You guys are disgusting, you know that? What? I swear ain't nothing going on in there but foot massages.
We're not stupid.
There's no way what I heard coming from in there was from a foot massage.
Oh, is that a challenge? Is-is that a challenge? Is that? You trying to see this digital divinity? My wife never makes me feel this good.
This should be a crime, but I'm glad it's not.
Thank you, weird man dressed like Jesus.
Oh, that was a life-changer right there.
Oh, my goodness.
That man has a gift.
I have never experienced anything like that.
That was that was so just so Hey, do you have a Twitter? 'Cause, you know, I wouldn't mind just keeping in touch, - you know - Enough! Let's go.
Is it @HandsOfGod? 'Cause I saw it around the corner over here.
Just get this truck out of here.
Baby, I know all this look weird Put your shirt on, Jason.
And wipe the lube off your hands.
It's nasty.
That's it? What about my foot massage, Jesus? You owe me a foot massage.
Hey, you know I love y'all to death, man.
I don't really say this often, but all y'all gonna get struck by lightning.
Hey, me, too, man? I ain't do nothing but jag off in the bathroom to them old bitches in the yoga pants, man.
Man, I was just the fluffer.
I didn't do anything, Jesus.
I was with you! Jesus! My feet need that stuff! Well, I know Jesus is upset, but Ms.
Tudi's feeling much joy.
Amazing what you can do when you have the proper representation.
Oh, yeah.
Ms.
Tudi, I'm starting to think you're a bad influence on me.
If I wasn't, I wouldn't need Jesus.
True.
He gonna forgive us anyway.
He always do.
- Badass.
- Mm-hmm.