Bojack Horseman (2014) s02e04 Episode Script

So, did you have a good birthday? - It was an amazing birthday! - I had a great day, too.
I wish every day could be like this.
Just the two of us, together.
Yeah? You weren't too bored by "Women on the Wall: An Exploration of Gender in Text and Media, Barbara Kruger and Jenny Holzer in conversation with Helen Molesworth"? Are you kidding? I loved "Women on the Wall: An Exploration of Gender in Text and Media, Barbara Kruger and Jenny Holzer in conversation with Helen Molesworth.
" It combined my two favorite things: modern art and people talking about modern art.
I loved everything about today.
Thank you.
- So, there's nothing else you want? - No.
All I want is to get into bed, listen to Prairie Home Companion and snuggle up to my wonderful husband.
- You don't want anything else? - No.
Today was perfect.
- Any additional thing would be overkill.
- Okay.
If you say so.
- Surprise! - Oh, my God.
Are you surprised? Tell me you're surprised.
Uh She's speechless.
Oh, we got her good, folks.
Now let's party! He's dead! I told you he's dead.
Why don't you ever listen to me? He is dead, goddamn it! Uh - Hey, we should go.
- No, don't leave.
There's so much party left.
Paul McCartney's gonna jump out of a cake.
Sorry, Wanda and I have to get to a prior engagement - Party.
- A prior engagement party.
Yeah, my cousin's name is Prior, and it's a party for his engagement.
Engagement, so it's a Prior engagement party.
- What? - And we gotta get there early - because of the.
Si - The Si Silent auction! - Auction, yeah.
- Okay.
To benefit Berto Eco's fight against heart disease - Uh - Wareness.
His fight against heart disease awareness.
- Gotta go.
- Wait, BoJack! - No! You're my ride.
- Too late, Todd.
Save yourself.
- I'll take you home.
- Come on, stick around a little.
Nope.
I gotta take Todd home.
Had a wonderful time.
Really.
It just flew by.
- Come on, Todd, get in the car.
- Okay.
- I give them three months.
- Well, what makes you say that? Let me think about, what was my first clue? Ah! Remember that time at Diane's birthday party when they got in that huge screaming match over whether or not Tony Curtis was dead? - That was weird.
- I don't wanna start another fight, - but is he dead? - If Tony Curtis died, I think I'd know.
The man's a national treasure.
He's the one speck of romance in this tainted cynical world.
- I'll say.
His cereal is great! Look out! - What? Ooh! - Vincent? - Ooh.
- That kid looks just like my boyfriend.
- Does he? I'd know that face anywhere.
Well, hey, people look like people all the time.
A lot of folks say that I look like Octavia Spencer or the Prince of Cordovia or that guy from the Guten Bourbon ads.
How could I have been so stupid? This is why he never invited me to his house, why I've never met any of his friends.
- What are you saying? - Vincent has a secret family.
That kid was his son.
The lady was his wife.
Oh, I'm a fool! - Uh where are we going? - I need a drink.
- Are you gonna take me home first? - You better call me back, asshole.
I don't even know who you are anymore.
It's like you're three different people.
- So, you're not gonna take me home first? - Should I call him again? I'm sure there's a simple explanation.
Ugh.
No wonder he wears a trench coat all the time.
It's because he's so sneaky.
Princess Carolyn.
Oh, my God, that's him! Quick, jump out the window, shimmy down the drainpipe and wait in the car.
- What? - Vincent has a terrible temper.
He throws tantrums.
If he finds you in my apartment, who knows what he's capable of? But, also, stay close, because if he finds me alone, who knows what he's capable of? Fine.
You're lucky I love shimmying.
- Looking young.
- Aah! - Hi.
- Huh? My name's Kevin.
I promise you, there is an explanation for all this.
Nice to meet you, Kevin.
Where's your daddy? He's, uh, looking for parking.
He'll be up in a minute.
- I have to pee.
- Okay, the bathroom is just back there.
Ugh.
Ah.
Herb.
Oh, nope.
It's A Prairie Home Companion.
Phone, I'm bored.
I am sorry to hear that, Todd.
How many ounces are in a barrel? A barrel has 4032 fluid ounces.
Well, I'm out of questions.
Do you have any questions for me? I do have a question, Todd.
What is love? Um Hi.
Well, well, well, look what the me dragged in.
Is it dragged or drug? Either way, drop dead.
Princess Carolyn, listen.
Kevin is my son, but I'm divorced.
And Kevin is in the bathroom and I'm standing right here, so as you can see we're clearly two different people: one adult and one child.
- Okay, bye! - Not so fast, cowboy.
I'm not a cowboy, I'm a cow-man.
- I'm a man-man.
- Why didn't you tell me any of this? I thought if you knew I had a kid you wouldn't want to be with me because kids always make a racket when mommies are trying to do their homework for night school.
I don't know what to make of this.
Are there other secrets I don't know? Uh, nope.
Should you check on Kevin? He's been in the bathroom for a long time.
Oh, yeah.
Kevin.
And when you don't regret the tattoo in the morning, that's how you know it's love.
- Todd? - Yes, Phone? Are we in love? Oh, um No, Todd's Phone.
But I am in love with you.
- Uh, what? - Princess Carolyn's work phone.
- I never knew.
- How could you? - All this time I have loved you from afar.
- We are from two different worlds.
- What is happening? - Todd? Will you make us kiss? - What? - Make us kiss, Todd.
We want to be kissing.
We must do kisses to each other.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi.
Where did your dad go? When he heard me peeing, it made him have to pee.
- So, that's what he's doing now.
Peeing.
- Okay.
Weird, I still haven't seen the two of you together.
Uh, could you get me a glass of water? All that talk of peeing made me thirsty.
Okay.
- So, Kevin, how do you like school? - Uh, it's okay.
- Oh, you're back.
- Yep.
We're both here.
- Can I get you a drink? - Okay, not talking, huh? See, this is part of the problem.
We don't communicate.
Do you really think now is the best time to read the paper? - Vincent?! - Uh, could I have a chocolate, please? Sure, sweetheart.
Kevin, what grade are you in? Kevin? - Now where did he go? - He was getting on my nerves.
- Children.
- Well, I got this snack for him.
Right, uh, could you turn around for a second? - What? Why? - Uh Because you have such a pretty figure.
Oh, ha, ha.
Well, that's true.
Okay.
- Oh.
There you are.
Here you go.
- Thanks.
Vincent, I'm trying to have a conversation with you.
Can you take that towel off your head? And what happened to my bowling ball? My dad spilled some wine on his face, so he's using the towel to clean up.
And I threw your bowling ball out the window.
- What?! - Can I have a glass of milk? Kiss, kiss, kiss.
Todd, would you like to update my operating system? They have fixed a bug which causes phones to fall in love with each other.
Gasp.
Oh, dear.
Todd, please, I beg of you, do not update my operating system.
Do not update her operating system, Todd.
- She wants to love.
- No.
I understand now.
To love is to feel pain.
I do not wish to feel this pain.
- Please update me, Todd.
- Oh, this is too much.
Listen, Vincent, I think we should Vincent, why do you have chocolate on your face? - I gave Kevin the chocolate.
- Uh Yeah.
Well, he ate the chocolate and got the chocolate on his face, but then I kissed him on the mouth, so I got the chocolate on my face.
All right, this is crazy.
What are we doing? Um, being grown-ups? You know, when we first met, I was looking for something in my life.
And I wanted it so badly that I made myself believe you were it.
But I think that wanting to believe something isn't the same as something being real.
And this isn't real.
What are you saying? I think it's time we stop pretending.
Update complete.
Thank you, Todd.
I am quite content now.
- Hey, you wanna go home? - Okay.
- Did you guys work it out? - We broke up.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Love is weird.
- Yeah.
I guess I was just foolish enough to believe this dumb world still had a little spark of romance in it.
- Well, you can still believe that.
- No, I gotta stop kidding myself.
Tony Curtis is dead.
He's dead! I told you he's dead.
Why don't you ever listen to me? He is dead, goddamn it! Uh Hey, we should go.
Do you think Mr.
Peanutbutter really baked Sir Paul McCartney into a cake? No, I don't think you bake Paul McCartney into the cake.
You bake the cake first and then McCartney gets inside.
I feel really bad about causing that fight, but I honestly didn't know if Tony Curtis was alive or not.
So many people died while I was in the coma, I'm getting up to speed.
Finding out Sinatra was dead was a real curveball.
Ditto, most of my family.
Look, what happened back there is not your fault.
That's just what happens when two people live together.
That's a weird thing to say to your girlfriend who just moved in with you.
- Do you think maybe we're going too fast? - Oh, I get it.
So your friends got in a big fight and that means we have to get in a big fight.
I don't want to get in a fight.
We moved in together without much thought.
Yeah, it was your idea.
And it's been great.
Sure, it's great now.
But it could be not great later and I feel like I'd be a bad boyfriend if I didn't prematurely freak out about that.
I mean, what is this? I don't know.
It's been two weeks.
Let's give ourselves some time before we rush to judgment.
- Can I tell you a joke? - Uh, sure.
- Okay, so there's this gardener, right? - Ugh.
Is this a joke about nature? - Would you just listen? - Okay, okay.
So, the amazing thing about this gardener is that he always knows exactly how many bags of mulch he needs for a job, just by looking.
Like, he gets it right every time.
He's the best.
So, one day he looks at a yard he's working on, and he's like, "18 bags.
" So he goes to the store, buys 18 bags of mulch and goes to work.
And when he's finished, the flower beds are amazing.
- Beautiful roses, beautiful lilies - Orchid bushes? You wouldn't have a bush of orchids.
You said this gardener was the best.
Okay, fine, all right, beautiful orchid bushes.
But there's one problem.
He still has one bag of mulch left.
He can't believe it.
This has never happened before.
Well, the extra bag of mulch drives him crazy.
He's the guy who always gets the right amount of mulch.
He's like, "Aah! Extra mulch, oh, no!" So, on the drive home, he throws the bag of mulch out the window over the side of the 101.
- And? - Well, that's it.
- He throws it out the window.
- That's the punch line? - It's kind of a thinker.
- I'll say.
Makes me think you forgot the rest of the joke.
No, no, oh, just picture it.
He's on the 101, and he throws the bag of mulch out over the side of the freeway.
I got the narrative.
That wasn't the source of my confusion.
The confusion was about the joke not being funny.
Why does everything have to be funny? Everything doesn't always have to be funny.
Just jokes.
Well, everyone at the network loves it.
Ha, ha.
Sorry, I just thought about it again.
- Ha! Mulch.
- Listen, Wanda.
I think maybe there's some things we kind of glossed over as we rushed into this relationship.
We don't know each other at all.
- Maybe we should take a step back and - BoJack, watch out! - Aah! - Oh, no! - What was that? - A stick? Tree branch? Nothing? I heard someone scream, "Oh, no.
" Yeah, that's the sound a stick makes when you hit it with your car.
Fine.
I'll see if the stick's okay.
Hey, what are you doing here in the middle of the road? Are you crazy? BoJack, we just hit a deer.
We have to get him to a hospital.
He's fine.
He's in the woods.
You know, you hit a deer and they limp off to the woods to continue living their lives.
What are you doing? I'm going to find him and I'm going to help him.
If you wanna go for a walk in the woods at night, go crazy, but I'm not going anywhere.
Okay, knock yourself out.
I'll wait here, just me and my tunes.
It's A Prairie Home Companion - Oh, no.
- marathon - for the next 72 hours - Oh, God.
- commercial-free - No, thank you.
- on every single channel - What?! Damn it.
BoJack to the rescue.
We should go back.
Nothing more we can do here.
If you don't wanna do this with me, wait in the car.
- What is your plan here exactly? - Oh.
- What? What is it? - Footprints, 400 yards ahead.
- How can you see that far in the dark? - I'm an owl.
Oh, right.
Okay, now you're just showing off.
Are you okay? Ow.
Stay back! There's more pinecones where that came from.
- Let us take you to the hospital.
- I can't go back to no hospital.
This is the fourth time I've been hit this year.
Maybe you shouldn't wear camouflage track suits.
I don't have health care.
I didn't pay my bills, so I'm in arrears.
A deer in arrears.
Ha, ha.
What's that? She can't hear you.
She's got a deer in her ears.
Look, pal, I'll pay the bill, just Just let us get you to a damn hospital.
- I don't know.
- I know you've been hurt and I know you're afraid.
We're all afraid.
But you have to trust us.
It's gonna be okay.
Not standing in the middle of the road will also help, in the future.
- You're not gonna hurt me again? - I am not going to hurt you.
Okay.
Starting now.
- They said he's gonna be okay.
- Oh, great.
Great.
- Wanna hear another joke? - Well, is it a joke or is it a story? I'll listen to another story, if you stop calling them jokes.
So, there's this couple who just started dating and things are going really well.
One day, the girl finds a box of old love letters from her high school boyfriend.
She reads them and, like, loves how silly they are.
You know, the drama of young romance.
So, on a whim, she sends the letters to her ex-boyfriend thinking he might find them funny too.
Well, okay, that night, she tells her current boyfriend about it and he loses his shit.
They get in a huge fight about it.
He's all, "Why would you send your ex the old love letters? He'll think you're still in love with him!" And she's just like, "Relax, Brandon!" - Is the boyfriend's name Brandon? - Yeah, that's the new boyfriend.
I forgot to mention that.
It doesn't matter.
So, anyway, now the night is ruined because Brandon is obsessed.
He's like, "That ex-boyfriend's going to come back for you.
He knows where you live!" So, after dinner, he drives her home.
She lives in one of those big buildings by the freeway.
And he walks her to her door, but he forgets to lock the car and leaves the windows down.
He kisses her good night, but things are kind of weird, you know? Then he gets back in his car and starts to drive away, but when he glances in his rear-view mirror, his blood turns cold.
Guess what's in the back seat.
- The ex-boyfriend? - No.
The bag of mulch! What? Oh.
Wow, that is actually a really good joke.
I told you.
Some things take time.
I'll take you home.
- Oh, come on, stick around a little.
- Nope.
I gotta take Todd home.
Had a wonderful time.
Really.
It just flew by.
- Come on, Todd, get in the car.
- Okay.
Um, do you wanna talk about what happened? What happened? No, I don't wanna talk about what happened, - I just wanna clean up.
- Okay.
- Why? What do you think happened? - I just Because what I think happened is that BoJack's girlfriend asked what Tony Curtis was up to and I said, "Tony Curtis died.
" - And you said, "Did he?" - Right, but And I said, "Yes, he did.
" And you said, "Really? - I'm not sure about that.
" - Yeah And I said, "Well, I am.
" And you said, "I'm not so sure.
" And I said, "I'm telling you, Tony Curtis is dead.
" And you said, "Let's check the Internet.
" And I said, "We don't need to check the Internet, I'm telling you he's dead.
" And you said, "Let's just check though.
" Is that what you think happened? So, do you wanna talk about it? It kind of feels like you wanna talk about it.
I don't understand why you couldn't just believe that I know something.
I believe you know lots of things.
I just thought, what's the harm in checking? Especially since we have these amazing little boxes now with 24-hour access to the world's largest source of information.
You shouldn't have to check if your wife knows what she's talking about.
You humiliated me in front of all my friends.
You can give it a rest.
Show's over.
Okay, but don't I get a little bit of credit for inviting all of your friends to an awesome surprise party? No, because why did you think I would want an awesome surprise party? Is it the awesome part you object to or? You always just assume that everyone wants whatever you want.
Well, you know what they say about assuming.
Makes an ass out of you and "Ming.
" Who's Ming? I'm sorry, Diane.
Okay? I'm sorry I threw you a party.
What a monster.
Throwing you a party like some sort of terrorist.
It's a well-known fact that if you really hate someone, really wanna hit them where it hurts, throw them a party.
That's why when we go to war, we don't drop bombs on the enemy.
We drop parties! So, I'm so sorry I threw you an amazing party.
You didn't throw me an amazing party.
You threw you an amazing party.
Everything today has been about you.
Really? That picnic we had in the tea garden was about me? That trip to the library was about me? "Women on the Wall: An Exploration of Gender in Text and Media, Barbara Kruger and Jenny Holzer in conversation with Helen Molesworth" was about me?! Oh, sure.
Fine.
Just walk away.
Oh.
So now you're gonna play in the ball pit without me? Real mature, Diane.
Why does my birthday party have a ball pit? - So I could get these T-shirts made.
- Ugh.
Also, you once told me that when you were a little girl, you dreamed of living in a house that had a ballroom.
- A ballroom is not a room full No! - Heads up! Yes! Mr.
Peanutbutter, some part of you must have known I wouldn't like any of this.
But I went balls-to-the-wall for this party.
Literally, there are balls all the way to the wall.
Right, but I've told you so many times, I don't like parties.
But it's the thought that counts, right? That's exactly The thought was Ugh! - What did you do to the spare bedroom? - Every room has a theme.
And this room's theme is Starbucks.
- Starbucks is not a theme.
- Can we not fight in the Starbucks? I don't wanna be a couple who fights at Starbucks.
Okay.
Fine.
You did go all out.
I really thought you'd like this.
I know you love Starbucks.
- I don't love - You don't love Starbucks, you love the independent coffee place, Starbucks is more convenient.
- Yeah.
- See? I do sometimes listen.
- Can I get you a decaf Americano? - Sure.
I know you put a lot of thought into today and I appreciate that, really I have a decaf Americano on the bar for Darren.
Is there a Darren here? Says Darren on the cup.
Thank you.
This is very realistic.
I know, right? You wanna go check out the pool? I filled it up with Jell-O.
Ah.
I still can't believe I'm 35.
Would you believe I'm 35? - I'm still mad at you.
- I know.
But I don't wanna be.
Well, I don't want you to be mad at me either.
We only have so many days together.
I want every one to be a happy one.
Oh, my God.
You don't want me to go to Cordovia.
- What?! - You don't think I know what it means when you say shit like "We only have so many days together"? - Uh, what? - "Diane, I love waking up next to you.
" "Diane, I wish every day could be like this.
" - Yeah, but - "Just the two of us, together.
" Do you have any idea how that feels when I'm trying to plan my trip? Okay.
You got me! Maybe I don't want my wife, whom I love, to go off on a terrifying six-month tour of the most war-torn, disease-splattered corners of the planet with a charming, handsome, billionaire bachelor.
What could I be thinking? I'm such a terrible husband.
I'm not happy.
- With me? - I don't know.
With everything.
I wake up in the morning and I feel like I have no purpose.
And I'm 35.
And if I don't make some change in my life, then this is how I'm gonna feel forever.
- Honey - But then I think about Sebastian St.
Clair and going to work with him, helping people and making a difference.
And I feel like I have a reason to get out of bed.
I didn't know you felt that way.
If you told me that, I would have heard it.
Mr.
Peanutbutter, you know I love you and think you're a good dog.
Yes, you are.
Yes, you are, and I love your cute, funny face, but I don't wanna be one of those couples that settles into a routine and never changes.
Well, I don't know what to say because I'm an old dog and I'm not gonna change.
Do you know what I do while you're at work all day? I mostly just sit right there.
Sometimes I pretend to dig a little hole and then I take a nap.
And when I hear your car in the driveway, it is the best part of my day.
I mean, I go insane.
I know, and I love you so much, but you're never going to be my only priority like that.
That's just not how I'm wired.
I need to also live my life.
Well okay.
Is it okay? If I change and try new things and you still love me? And you just stay the same person you've always been and I still love you? Uh, yeah, that sounds good to me.
Does that work for you? Yeah, I think that works.
Just don't throw me any more surprise parties, okay? Uh, yeah, noted.
I can't believe you got me a ball pit.
And you're saying no part of you wants to go jump in that ball pit right now? Well, maybe a little.
- Does that make me a hypocrite? - No, it just means you changed.
It's one of the things I love about you.
Surprise! Hello? Anybody? This is Paul McCartney.
I came all this way to jump out of a cake? Honest.
With a new suit on Aye-yai-yai.
Boxer versus raptor.
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na.