Breeders (2020) s02e04 Episode Script

1 Abide with me ♪ Hold Thou Thy cross ♪ Before my closing eyes ♪ Shine through the gloom ♪ And point me to the skies ♪ - Sorry.
- Heaven's morning breaks ♪ Why didn't you spend a penny before it started? I did.
I just got caught short.
It was that coffee we had before we left.
Went straight through.
Abide with me ♪ Please be seated.
I now ask that you join me in the prayer that Jesus taught us to pray.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
For Thine is the kingdom What's a decent amount of time to wait before digging in to the buffet? - Ooh, I'd say about - Oh, that's long enough.
I'm going in.
Shall we eat meat today, Luke? Doesn't look like there's anything there for us.
I can see plenty.
Big salads, hummus.
Should we go and get something? - Hmm.
- You look pale, Ally.
Wan.
You're wan.
- Thanks.
- Are you still doing that Vaginuary? It's called Veganuary, Mum.
Luke wanted to keep it up, so I decided to do it, too.
Give him some support, 'cause it's so bloody hard.
I don't think it's hard.
I like it.
I think you're the one finding it tough, babe.
Yeah, it's making me very tired.
I had to have a micro-sleep in a Pret a Manger toilet the other day.
Well, at least you could get in the bloody toilets in Pret a Manger.
The door code's on the receipt.
Hear that, Jim? The code for the Pret a Manger toilets is on the receipt.
They should tell you that! If you're over a certain age, they should automatically tell you.
Christ, do you got enough pork there, Dad? Humans were designed to eat meat.
Look at our teeth.
I mean, not mine.
They're not a fair reflection of the species.
I'm hungry.
Come on, Mum.
We could be avocado buddies.
Yay.
- Paul? - Mm-hmm? Can we have a word? Yeah.
Me and your mum, we could drop down dead at any minute.
What, both at the same time? We seem to live at funerals these days.
Funerals and doctor's appointments.
So we think we shouldn't be the kids' named guardians anymore.
You know, in the will and all that.
If you and Ally died tragically early, heaven forbid, we can't be carting the kids around GPs and wakes with us.
We can't do school runs and whatnot.
We're not infirm, but we're definitely not firm either.
Mm-hmm, and then we'll go and die, and then where will they be? So we think you should cut out the middleman and find yourself some new guardians.
Okay, well, I appreciate your honesty.
Obviously, we hope we die before you.
Yeah, so do I.
Charming.
Prawns? Are prawns okay? - Do they have a face? - Barely, just eyes.
They're kind of like fleshy sea plants, and they're really, really stupid.
Oh, sorry.
Keeley, hi! Oh, where are you? What? Oh, my God! When will Mum be back? Hmm, messy one, I reckon.
2:00 a.
m.
, earliest.
Darling, can I come up and have a quick word? Am I in trouble? No, no.
Not in trouble.
Oh, my God! That's hilarious.
Most hilarious thing I've ever heard.
- Oh, so you weren't praying? - Everyone was praying.
But, no, I wasn't praying praying.
Right.
Fine, just Just wondered, 'cause, you know, you You knew all the words, and you crossed yourself Did I? When? As we were leaving the church.
Okay, sorry, yeah, it's just It's a big thing, religion.
And you and me are mates, and we always talk about the big things, so Dad, can you imagine how annoyed you'd be if I was suddenly into God? You've always said religion is rubbish.
Well, it's not rubbish.
It's just I don't believe, that's all.
I did, but I don't now.
And I wouldn't be annoyed.
I'd be interested.
You've got a mega brain, mate, and I'd enjoy discussing it.
Well, I'm not into God.
- I won't become a nun.
- Shame, really.
You'd never have to worry about choosing what to wear.
I don't think all nuns wear black and white habits.
- There are plainclothes nuns? - Undercover nuns.
All right.
Thanks for talking.
- Dinner in half an hour? - Great.
I love it so much when you come back.
Hey, let's get battered like a haddock.
No, I can't.
I can't do it anymore.
- What? - No.
- My hangovers last for days.
- Oh, come on.
I save all my fun up for your little trips home.
- That's quite tragic.
- Well, I'm a tragic figure.
Do you remember when we used to do full-on dance routines? To Salt-N-Pepa? I was Pepa, you were Salt.
Now you've got two kids, a husband, and you're vegan.
Tragic figure, like I said.
Although I have actually been feeling a bit shit lately.
Like, tired, shaky, bleak.
Veganism is not for me.
Well, I might be able to cheer you up.
Oh? I'm moving back here for good.
Britain, not this bar.
For good? What, you're actually gonna live back here? Oh, my God! That is the best news since I don't know, like, the end of the war.
- Really? - Oh, it's just Tony needs me.
He's suddenly old.
I was really shocked the last time I came home.
He's all stick thin, hair all mad like Einstein.
He's really aged since Mom died.
Selfishly, I am thrilled.
I mean, no, sorry.
Not that he's aged, but just that you're coming back! How's Paul? Are you guys good? You know when someone looks you in the eyes and you feel like your pants are gonna just fall off? - Yeah.
- It's not like that anymore.
Oh, I love you.
To "not absent anymore" friends.
To "not absent anymore" friends.
Life is suddenly exciting again, ha! - Bin night.
- Yeah.
- Gray bins this week, isn't it? - Yeah, indeed.
Of course, though, I've got the timetable the council sent stuck on the fridge.
- Mm-hmm.
- Gives bank holiday - changes, everything.
- Oh, right, yeah.
I'll have to see if I've still got that.
Oh, all the information is on the website, of course.
Just find it easier to glance at the fridge.
Yeah, I can appreciate that.
Well, anyway - Night.
- Night.
It's been really nice to chat, hasn't it? Yes.
Yeah.
It's not really a chat.
Three, two, one liftoff.
Liftoff.
I'm gonna go to space.
Kebab shop! I'm gonna get I'm gonna get a falafel.
I am! Oh.
Oh? Oh? Hello, baby.
I am shit-faced.
Fucking hell, I can see that.
Keeley is moving back forever because her stepdad's really fucked.
- Yay! - Oh.
That's nice.
How are you, my darling? Awake now.
Hey.
Keeley is my best friend in the universe.
I know her better than anyone else, and she knows me better than anyone else.
Except for you.
Are Ava Ava and Luke okay? Uh, yeah, more or less.
Hon do you do you think that Ava might be Might be what? A bit religious? Like, Christian? Yeah, maybe.
Really? Where does that come from, though? Has she talked to you about it? No, but she's a sweet girl, and she thinks.
Makes sense she might go down the Jesus path.
I mean, she says she's not religious.
But do you think she might've been Fuck me, man.
Mm.
It's actually tastier than normal milk.
I like it better, too.
- But the pretend cheese is blech.
- Ugh, doesn't work.
Hey, Kee! Bloody hell.
It's been forever, mate.
- Hello, you.
- Hey.
- Morning, you all.
- Morning.
What time did you come around? - I slept on your sofa.
- Ah.
Your wife was hammered, so I came back with her.
She was, thank you.
She didn't even drink that much.
Maybe it's 'cause she's not eating properly.
She can't cope with being plant-based.
- So I hear you're home for good? - I am.
I've just been telling these enormous people posing as your children all about it.
Ugh.
Morning, everyone.
- Hey, hon.
- Keeley? - I slept on your sofa.
- Did you? - You forced me.
- Did I? Oh, I'm a terrible friend.
Do you want to make me a cup of tea? I'm on it.
Hey, Luke.
You don't have to eat that.
- Do you want something proper? - No, thanks.
You have something "proper," Mom.
I'm smashing this.
Great, yeah.
Me too.
Mmm.
Oh, fuck you, baa-baa fucking dead sheep.
- You all right? - Mm.
My mouth tastes like a kennel.
I hoofed a kebab last night.
Hey, do you remember telling me that Ava might be religious? No, but I don't remember much, to be honest.
I mean, she says she's not.
Right.
Then what's the problem? Well, I think she might be.
Okay, so what's the problem? Uh, just that she's keeping something secret from me that is very important to her.
I know we've got teenage silences coming, but I thought we had a couple of years left where she was still a kid and we were still mates and, you know, we could share the big stuff.
You are mates.
Maybe she didn't mention it because your reaction might be unpredictable.
What, angry, you mean? You've always been proud of how rigorous she is, - how logical her brain is.
- Mm-hmm.
She might be scared that, you know, - you'd be disappointed in her.
- Come on.
They do sound like ovens.
I know! I wasn't disappointed in you, no.
I was more upset when you gave up football than when you gave up your faith.
- But Mum was upset.
- Aye, she was.
Hmm.
About what, though? That I'd given up on the church or that I kept it secret? Ha, you thought it was a secret? She knew for years, man.
"Have you been to confession?" she'd ask.
And you'd say, "Yes," and she knew you hadn't.
Hmm.
And you weren't bothered, though? Religion's like a pair of battered old slippers to me.
Right.
I prayed when Luke was in hospital.
You've got to verbalize your fears, - haven't you? - Mm-hmm.
But I knew it was medicine that saved him, not St.
Anthony.
The thing is, if Ava is religious, then it's obviously really important to her.
And if she's hiding it, then it's It's like I don't really know her.
And I thought I did.
I thought I knew her better than anyone else does.
I've never worried about you the way you worry about your kids.
Hmm, look how well I turned out.
Yeah.
Second thoughts Maybe I should have put the hours in.
That's funny.
He's good.
All right, Lukey.
Bedtime, mate.
- One sec.
- What are you making? A badge? You used to love badges.
What's that? "Meat is murder.
" Luke, please don't wear that to school.
I want people to know I'm a vegan.
Are you a vegan? Come on.
Way past bedtime.
Oh, sorry, carry on.
Don't mind me.
Carry on what? I dropped my phone.
All right.
Okay, coming in.
In you get.
I'll pick this up, shall I? No, no.
Come on.
Don't think so.
Thank you.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
No.
Um I know that you told me that you don't believe in God.
But do you actually believe in God? - Dad.
- Do you? No.
Yeah, maybe.
Y-yes? - Definitely? - I think so.
Okay, good.
Fine.
I just didn't see this coming.
Well, I believe in God.
And I believe that Jesus was God I think.
N-no, I know I think.
Right.
Are you the angriest you've ever been? No.
Is is that why you didn't want to talk to me about it? 'Cause you thought I'd get all ragey? - Are you disappointed in me? - No, never.
I'm disappointed that you felt you couldn't discuss it, but that's disappointment in myself, not in you.
Well, I partly hid it 'cause I wasn't sure for a long time.
- Mm-hmm.
- So I've been deliberating.
Oh, my God, you're so smart Using the word "deliberating" at 10.
I just like the idea of someone looking after us.
Mm-hmm, well, I'm looking after us, so No, I know.
You know, it was like when Luke was really ill - Mm.
- When he nearly died.
I'm not sure what bits I actually remember and what bits you told me since, but one thing I do definitely remember was Granddad at the table praying.
He was praying really hard, begging God to save Luke.
He was trying not to cry.
And it worked.
Luke survived, didn't he? Against all the odds, he got better.
Luke got the right treatment, love.
You seeing Granddad pray, then Luke getting better, that's not cause and effect.
But it did make Granddad feel more hopeful.
- Mm-hmm.
- Maybe his attitude made you feel more hopeful.
Maybe that helped your decision about Luke's treatment.
- Maybe that's how God works.
- Yes, maybe.
I don't know.
Maybe it is, yeah.
- You won't tell everyone, will you? - Mm-mm.
I don't want it to be a thing, like Luke's veganism is a thing.
I don't want to have to talk about it all the time.
Deal.
Come here.
I love you.
I love you, too.
But I will talk about it with you, now I know you won't burn me at the stake.
Spoilsport.
What am I, a ducking stool? We could set one up at the lido.
Night.
Night, Dad.
Mmm.
What's that, then, Luke? Mushroom and lentil loaf.
You should try a bit, Jim.
I'm all right with the sausages, I think.
I had lentils once.
Life is a constant white-knuckle adventure for you, isn't it, Mum? I'm just gonna get some more wine.
Who invented sausages? - Was it the Egyptians? - Nope, don't think so.
Or the Romans? Or the Chinese? Oh, my God.
- Mum.
- Hmm? It's okay.
You don't need to be ashamed.
I mean, maybe a bit because you're really shoveling that in.
But not everyone can manage going vegan.
I wanted to support you.
I don't need you to.
Thank you for trying.
I'm so sorry, it's been really bad for me.
I feel very weird lately.
Have some more meat.
- Hey.
- Yeah? Get yourself a pregnancy test.
- What? - Seriously.
He looks like a sausage himself, about to burst A sausage in a jumpsuit.
It's very nice to have you back, Keeley.
Thanks, Jim.
Tony really needs me now Mum's gone.
He's not managing.
We were sorry to hear about your mum.
See, Paul? What'd I tell you? We're all dropping like flies.
We've said we can't be the kids' guardians anymore.
What does that mean? - Fuck's sake, Dad.
- What? Why do we need guardians? It's if your mum and dad die, we'd look after you.
- Except we won't now.
- Then who will? - Is everyone dying? - No! No, it's a daft legal precaution, like in a will.
Everyone's supposed to do it, but we are not planning on dying.
Obviously, but if there was a crash Jim! You could be guardian, Keeley.
- You've got no children.
- Jim, again! Maybe she didn't want any kids.
- Good God.
- No, I wanted them.
It just never happened.
- I'm so sorry.
- No, it's okay.
No, it's really not.
Sorry, Kee.
It's all right.
No one needs to be sorry.
- Do I need to be sorry? - Right, you lot.
I can't hold this in any longer.
I have a gift for my granddaughter.
- Oh, cheers.
- A little bird told me some wonderful news.
For my darling girl, the family Bible.
Been in the Worsley family since 1986.
- Christ on a bike.
- And now it's yours.
She's fine, Mum.
- Thank you.
- A Bible? Fuck's sake, Mum.
She doesn't need that, really.
It's not the Bronze Age anymore.
We've gone beyond bronze.
We've got Kevlar now.
Anyway, she's already got all the Harry Potters.
Ava.
Ava.
Excuse me.
You're supposed to knock.
No, actually, I'm not.
I own this house.
So I'm from the Bronze Age, am I? Oh, look.
I didn't mean it.
I-I was honestly trying to stop you from being the center of attention.
You told Granny and Granddad? Yes, sorry.
It came up.
I don't want to be laughed at.
- This is serious.
- No one is laughing.
- Luke was laughing.
- Luke was laughing.
That's true.
- What if he tells everyone? - He won't.
No, he won't.
I'm sorry that I embarrassed you, really.
We still mates? Yeah, we're still mates.
Good.
Come on, let's go downstairs.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome, babe.
I'm still a bit shaky.
Well, it can't be low blood sugar.
You ate the best part of a pig's thigh.
Yeah, I was a shit vegan, wasn't I? You were never a vegan.
Luke's done really well, though.
Yeah.
I've got one vegan kid and one religious kid.
We're like the Kardashians.
You know, it does drive me slightly mad that we can't just make them do what we want anymore.
Yeah.
- You're hot.
- You know it, baby.
No, I mean, you're actually sweaty, burny hot.
Nice.
- Morning, all.
- Hey.
How do you fancy coming with me - to get some proper milk? - And bacon.
Come on.
Okay.
- 40 at the least.
- Yeah.
I'm very proud that you're so thoughtful.
Thanks.
And I'm jealous, 'cause I'm so cynical.
You just pretend to be.
Oi.
Should we go in? Really? Yeah, just for a bit.
Come.
Who'd have guessed that I'd be going into a church with my daughter? - God.
- Yeah, all right.
Don't get cute.
Holy fuck.