Brickleberry s02e04 Episode Script

Nobody's home.
Wait, Bobby, I'm here to collect your camping fee.
You're late.
- I just paid it.
- That was two years ago.
Man, time flies when you're blind shit-faced drunk! Hold on one second, and I'll grab you some cash.
- Stick 'em up, [Bleep.]
.
- Aah! Give me your wallet.
Give me your goddamn wallet! Come on, come on.
Gimme, gimme, gimme! There you go, buddy.
That should cover it.
Hey, I used to have a wallet just like that.
Oh, uh, you wanna buy it? Sure.
Score! Brickleberry! Brickleberry! All right, Rangers, time for the park renovation, beautification update.
I'd like to suggest a breast reduction for Steve.
Noted.
Connie, how are the trees? Evergreen.
Steve, teeth-whitening? Just let me stick the tray in.
Aah! Dear God! Ethel, grass upgrade report.
I'm almost done, but do we really have to use lead paint? It's so bad for the environment.
Shut up, the environment will be fine.
Hey, it's the circle of life.
Hakuna matata, everybody.
And the circle continues.
Clean it up! Why are we working our asses off? Because Brickleberry's gonna win National Park of the year.
No way am I gonna let those pussies at Yellowstone take it for the tenth time in a row.
What's so bad about our park, anyway? Well, we do have the world's only premature geyser.
Ten, nine Ewe! Sorry, that almost never happens.
Wait, no, don't leave.
It'll be ready to go again in a couple of hours.
Uh, we'll just keep the Judge focused on our good parts, like right here.
Uh! [Bleep.]
Her.
Circle of life.
- So what do we get if we win? - We get the greatest gift of all.
A coffee date with Viggo Mortensen? No.
We get to be on the cover of Nationwide Park Magazine! When I worked at Yellowstone, we were on the cover every year, but my picture was screwed up every time.
And then I got a bee sting on my face.
I mean, I covered it with concealer, but I still noticed.
So help me God, when we win, I will look great on that cover.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Tyra Skanks, lets not get ahead of ourselves.
But the park looks perfect.
What the hell is that? Hey, look at me! I'm drunk and I stole a tractor! Woo! Ooh! Hey, your goddamn tree wrecked into my stolen tractor.
Now y'all owe me a new stolen tractor.
I can't believe it.
This is the worst thing he's ever done! Is it? Is it really? What? He gave you chocolate.
Oh, my God! The Judge from the magazine will be here any minute.
Someone has to stall him while we clean this up.
I'm pretty good at taking up a Judge's time.
Come on, Steve, we gotta kick that hick outta the park before he does any more damage.
Uh! Here comes the Judge.
Um, could you excuse me, please? I need to get through here.
Yeah, but my car broke down sideways at the entrance you have to come back next week.
Um, could it just walk around it? Oh, of course, but first, tell me, where'd you get them skips? My my skips? Oh, my shoes.
Yes, my wife picked them oh! What? I ran out of Chloroform.
Now, before we do this threesome, I just wanna make sure it ain't gonna mess up our friendship.
Aah! Ow! - What the hell y'all doing? - Evicting you for tearing up my park! That wasn't me, that was "drunk Bobby".
If you wanna talk to him, he'll be here in 12 ounces.
Happy hour's over, swamp people! You are hereby being kicked the hell out of my park! Huh.
This looks like it's from the olden times.
What is it? How am I supposed to know what the hell it is, it's got words and shit on it.
Wow 1880s, da da da.
Civil War your Cousin "Reginald Wooten Possumcods" Oh, my God.
According to this, you're the heir to Brickleberry Park.
Woo! Wait a minute, did he call me a queer? Give me that! Ooh Actually, Robert, what it really says is, and I quote, there is no goddamn way in hell that asshole Bobby Possumcods owns this park! - Don't get more official than that.
- That's not what it says.
It says right here Bobby owns the park, and ugh! Oh, I know what it says now.
It says get the hell off my property! Ow! Ow! Hey, come back here, you goddamn Oh, Lord.
Oh, [Bleep.]
It.
We're living the dream, BoDean.
Rangers, I know you think we have a problem.
This is not a problem! Oh, yeah, this is perfect.
Looks like Yellowstone wins again.
Over my perfect, photogenic dead body.
I'm freezing.
Jesus, we're living like Al-Qaeda without the good leadership.
Malloy, where do you think you're going? Anywhere but here.
I've got this thing where I don't like to live in Haitian-style refugee camps.
Fine, leave.
Everything's gonna be back to normal by day's end.
I'm gonna do a little fancy negotiating with our friend Bobby.
So, Bobby I mean, Mr.
Possumcods What's it gonna take to get our park back? How about $3.
47 on a McDonald's gift card? Throw in a case of Busch and it's yours.
One time I drank so much Busch I woke up balls-deep in a Kmart mannequin with a Vidalia onion stuck up my ass.
- That was Tuesday.
- Shut up, BoDean! I tell you what.
Here's my counter offer.
That's it.
This is war.
Oh, well, at least this mud is good for my complexion.
It ain't mud, it's a bunch of hog shit with What are you worried about, Bobby? That Woody makes me nervous.
There ain't no telling what he might do to get this park back.
He's got those crazy eyes.
No offense, BoDean.
Who the hell is that? Take it easy, Bobby.
It's just more people coming in.
How'd they find out about my trailer park? Not from me.
I didn't tell nobody about this place.
Hey, BoDean! Thanks for telling us about this place.
Damn it, BoDean, you gotta keep your mouth shut! Don't tell no more people they can stay here.
Okay, Bobby.
Hey, in-breeders, I need a roof over my head.
- Is there any chance I could - Oh, hell yeah.
You can stay here.
- BoDean! - What? He's not a people.
He's a bear.
Shit, you got me on a technicality.
Great.
So what's your WiFi password? What the [Bleep.]
's a WiFi? ObamaFan21.
Capital "O" capital "F".
It's case sensitive.
I don't even know who you are anymore.
Ha! And people said I was an idiot for spending my 401k on a surveillance van.
We can watch every move those hillbitches make! We'll find their weaknesses, and then we will go in for the kill.
I've got a camera in every nook and cranny of this park.
Uh, how long have you had these cameras set up? Doesn't matter.
When the Security of Brickleberry National Park is at stake, all rules are off! - Woody! - I'm just keeping us safe.
Let me know if you need an angle from inside the toilet.
Ooh! There's them Slim Jim gobbling sons of bitches! I gotta take 'em down.
We gotta take 'em down, Woody.
Bobby's our guy.
Kill the figurehead, and the rest will crumble.
Yeah, but he's gone into hiding.
He must be on to us.
This is the last visual I have of him.
That Security detail is no joke.
But BoDean, his number two, is vulnerable.
Hey, give me a few minutes alone with him, and he'll not only give up Bobby's location, I'll get him to admit that Brooks & Dunn are a married gay couple.
All I know is that I want Possumcods deader than Randy Travis' liver, let's move! Ethel's gonna find Possumcod's location.
Then Steve will go undercover and plant this homing device on him.
I'm ready to drink some beer, smoke some meth, and convert to Islam! Whee-hoo.
They're gonna eat him alive.
Hoowhee! Once that homing device is planted on Bobby, Mr.
Drone will pinpoint him and blow his ass up! Yes, people, we have a drone.
Homeland Security's pretty loose with the checkbook these days.
Ha ha! Thank you 9/11! Excuse me, where am I? - Detroit.
- Detroit? What are we doing in Detroit? You said you wanted to go to Detroit for my grandmama's 80th birthday party.
Then you passed out.
I thought it was weird because you don't even know her.
But I was like, "okay".
I said that? Denzel, baby.
I thought you said you couldn't make it because you had to work.
Oh, I'm on the clock.
This is my good friend, Judge.
What am I doing here? The Electric Slide, white boy! Denzel, just take me to the park right now! What'd you say, Judge? You watch roots backwards so it has a happy ending? - What'd he say? - Uh! That's a homer.
I love squirrel ball! I gotta admit, this is fun.
But don't you kind of feel bad for the squirrels? Oh, don't worry, we get 'em drunk first.
- Morning, BoDean.
- Morning, Aubrey.
Bobby sent me here to get more potted meat.
He's too scared to go outside.
Why's he afraid to go outside? Because Bobby found a deed from the olden days, and then he kicked them Rangers' asses out, and then they came back and tried to get us to leave, and we said no, and then Bobby threw that fat fella and that girl with the blonde hair into the mud, and she thought it was makeup, but it was pig shit.
Now everybody's living there in their trailers and camping for free because Bobby's not chargin' no rent.
But he told me not say nothing, then he slapped me on the head so hard it made my peter shrink back up inside me.
Hold on, he ain't chargin' no rent? Yeah, but I'm smart, so I didn't tell nobody.
How much I owe you for the potted meat, Aubrey? Don't you worry about it, BoDean, it's on the house.
Thanks, Aubrey.
I sure appreciate it because Bobby really likes potted meat with saltines, but I can't eat it no more because I got this nitrate allergy, and every time I eat it, I get the shits like nobody's business.
Then this bear moved in and he wanted the WiFi password, but Bobby didn't know what WiFi was Hey, y'all, they're living rent-free at Brickleberry.
Spread the word.
Hold on, I got another call.
And then I played squirrel tee ball with that talking bear, and then I come down here to buy some potted meat, and then you locked the door and then closed the blinds and that's the end of my story.
We'll talk to you later, bye.
[Bleep.]
NASCAR and Jesus! Am I right, people? Let's raise taxes and let the queers get married.
What'd he say about NASCAR? Well, well, looks like we got some fresh meat, boys.
Malloy, I'm on a mission.
Play along.
Not a problem.
Hey, who wants to take this guy's anal virginity? Thanks, Malloy.
You're a real pal.
Wait, take what? Wait, wait, wait.
What? Wait, what are you gonna take? Possum's done.
Now tell me where Bobby's hiding! - Or what? - You ever heard of waterboarding? - You don't have running water? - What do I need that for? Well, maybe I should just cut off a couple of your fingers.
Jesus, you only have plastic knives? I got plastic spoons too.
Well, then, I guess I'll just pull your teeth out one by Just tell me where he is, God damn it! I ain't no snitch.
If you want to find out where he's hiding, you can ask him yourself.
Hey, Bobby, tell this girl where you're hiding.
I ain't gonna tell her I'm hiding in your bathroom.
He said he ain't gonna tell you nothing.
Sorry about that.
I think I'm earning their trust.
Go, eagle one.
Bobby? Great.
What's his location? He's hiding out in BoDean's trailer.
Get in there quick and plant that homing device on him.
Who the hell are you? Oh, are you my new Bobby double? Uh, yeah.
I I'm your Bobby double.
Damn, I ain't that fat and ugly.
Yeah.
Yeah, you are, Bobby.
Well, that's good news.
He's a dead ringer.
Get him dressed, boys.
Ooh! Wow, you look perfect.
Almost too perfect, which raises a question.
How am I gonna know which one of us is the real me? Oh, I got an idea.
Why don't you take this blinky thing and put it in your pocket? That way you know which one of us is you.
Damn, you're smart.
But what if you have the blinky thing and I don't have the blinky thing? Then I guess that I'm you and you're me.
You just blew my mind.
Steve did it! He planted the homing device! We're a go.
Good-bye, rednecks, hello, park of the ye Holy shit! All these new trailers have trapped us in here, Woody.
Don't launch the drone.
Abort.
Abort! See, honey, I'm not the only one saying it.
Hey, y'all, please give me your attention.
Hi, I'm Bobby, and this is Bobby's Bobby double.
Wait, let Bobby double check.
Yeah, I'm Bobby.
So if y'all gonna shoot one of us, shoot him.
Damn, I said shoot him! That's what he's here for.
That's his job.
Yeah, sorry, that's who I was trying to shoot.
No problem.
Now, I'm gonna ask y'all as nice as I possibly can Get the [Bleep.]
out of my trailer park Please! He did say, "please".
Let's go.
Drive carefully.
What the hell's that supposed to mean? Uh-oh.
Man, I can't believe we got so much in common.
We both wanted to do this our whole lives.
Do what? Ow! Ooh! Oh! Ow! Ooh! Them fellers just broke the world record for the tandem bull ride.
We did it, Judge! Stop it, stop it! This is insane! I demand that you take me to Brickleberry National Park right now! - Oh! - Thanks, yucko.
Oh, can we launch that drone now or what? Uh, no.
Steve's still in there.
Well, we'll kill two birds with one drone.
I'm serious, Ethel.
- Woody! - All right, fine.
These people are animals.
I think that baby had rabies.
- Yeah, probably.
- Woody, launch the drone.
See ya in hell, Possumcods.
- In three, two - Hey, y'all.
God damn it! Ooh, I thought you guys were dead.
Uh, your wallets are over there.
The cash burnt up, I think.
Everybody all right? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
What, no casualties, no collateral damage? What kind of crappy drone is this? Well, if it makes you feel any better, I think I'm hurt real bad.
Shut up, you pussy! Look how frizzy it made my bangs! I will not let this screw up my magazine cover! Bobby, why the holy hell did you show up here, anyway? I came to give you your park back.
I don't want it no more.
There's too many redneck assholes in there.
Thanks.
Now, any bright ideas on how to get the rest of those peckerwoods out of my park? Bobby, these are your God-awful people.
You must know some way to fix this.
Maybe I do, but you need to promise me my old spot back, rent-free.
Yeah, okay, fine.
But I'm not touching you.
Okay.
What we gotta do is scare 'em off.
What could possibly scare these people? - We have one fear.
- Soap? - Dentists? - Blacks? No, tornadoes.
I'm scared of croutons because one time I got this fancy salad at Applebee's, or was it Chili's? I can't remember because I drank a hot can of Busch So we need a tornado.
It's a scientific fact that trailer parks make tornadoes horny as shit.
All we gotta do is wait.
Yeah, well, not that I don't trust Nostra-dumbass over there, but I'm tired of waiting.
I want them out now! - Is there any way we could fake it? - I've got it.
Gonorrhea, we know.
But what about the tornado? Ethel, I can't stall him much longer.
If I hit him one more time, he's gonna have permanent brain damage.
Oh, God, where am I now? You said you wanted to see the Cubs play.
I said the Cubs? Because I hate the Cubs.
That's weird, because I've wanted to see 'em play since I was a kid.
Woo! Go, Cubs! Woo! Now, this may sound a little nutty, but I'm starting to think you don't want me to see Brickleberry Park.
All right, you got me.
I'm done knocking your ass out.
I'm gonna take you to the park right now.
What the hell is that? Whoosh.
Whoosh.
I'm a tornado.
Nice try, assholes.
That don't look nothing like a tornado.
Tornado looks like that.
I told you all we had to do was wait.
Ha ha ha! It's the white trash circle of life! Can you believe the whoa! Well, we got our park back.
I guess that's all that matters.
Shut the [Bleep.]
up, Connie! The Judge is still on his way.
Let's get moving.
We can still clean up the park before the Judge gets here.
You mean this Judge? Sorry, I couldn't stall him any longer.
Look, there was just a tornado here, and it was not our fault.
So you should really think about that before I I wear mittens.
I didn't catch that.
Did he just say, "I wear mittens"? Uh, how many times did he get hit in the head? Gypsy spoons! Cucumber calendar.
One too many.
Razor Scooter.
Ellen Burstyn! What's that? Oh, we just won park of the year you say? Poprock! Oh, yeah.
He just said it again.
You people are just sad.
And now he's signing the official form to say we won! Congratulations, everybody! Yes! Soapy papoose! Oh! Let's go! Shoot the goddamn thing! Hold on.
Wait for me.
You look perfect, Ethel.
Goddamn right I do! I wouldn't say perfect.
I would say whore.
Stand by.
Look at me, everyone.
- Smiles.
- Hey, look at me.
I'm drunk and I stole a parade float! - Woo! - Oh where am I? Yes! Perfect! Finally.