Brooklyn Nine-Nine s02e04 Episode Script

Attention, boys and ghouls.
Nope.
Every Halloween, I dress up in an amazing costume, - and you never get what I am.
- No, we get what you are An adult man who enjoys dress-up.
Very funny, Rosa.
This year, that won't be a problem because you're gonna pick my costume.
Uh, Ms.
Pac-man's nipple.
No, that's brown.
Why would you know that? - To be or not to be! - Not to be.
Thank you.
Joan of Arc.
Rod Stewart.
Martha Stewart.
He-man! Master of the universe.
I got it.
Gay Robin Hood.
Yes! That's it, that's it.
That's what it is.
Oh, hey there, Captain.
Just curious, do you happen to know what today is? Well, based on the fact that yesterday was the birthday of legendary Dutch flautist Frans Bruggen, and a week ago it was october It's Halloween.
Just say it's Halloween.
It's Halloween.
All right, and what happened last Halloween? Oh, I listened to the CD I bought the night before, the Frans Bruggen birthday concert.
Please stop saying Bruggen.
Last year, you bet me that you could steal my medal of valor.
And you did.
Consequently, I was forced to do your paperwork for a week and to say words I thought I'd never have to say.
Jake Peralta is an amazing detective/genius.
But now it's time for round two of our Halloween bet.
This year, I believe I'll make things more difficult for myself.
Let's say, what, I'll steal the watch right off your wrist.
Or we could just not do it at all this year.
What? Sir, with all due respect, come on, homey! No? It's not worth all the trouble, just so you might call me an amazing captain/genius and give me one week of overtime for free.
All right, fine, I'll double the overtime.
I'll triple it! I'll quadruple it! I will five-druple it.
I'll five-druple the overtime.
Got his attention.
He's coming back to me.
Just to clarify.
If you steal my watch by midnight, I will do your paperwork for a week, but if you fail, you will give me five weeks of overtime for free.
Correct.
I'm doing a cost-benefit analysis in my head.
The benefits outweigh the costs.
We have reached an accord.
Accords! Handing out these safety pumpkins to neighborhood kids is a cornerstone in community relations.
And putting them together is a boring-stone in testing my patience.
We can use an assembly line so it'll go quicker.
Ooh, that's a great idea, Terrence.
However, is there any way I can skip doing that and instead, not do that? I have an urgent matter to attend to.
Okay, no problem.
Just come back and help us when you're done.
Thank you.
I'll leave you guys with this.
One-duhl plus one-duhl equals Tootles.
Seriously, sarge? You're just gonna let her go? Look, a year ago, I would've been thinking the same thing, but I've learned to give her the benefit of the doubt.
What kind of urgent matter could Gina possibly have to attend to? She's already checked herself out in every reflective surface around the precinct.
Including my lip gloss.
She said she looked better when I frowned.
I was behind the door! Greetings, comrades, and welcome to the most important briefing of your lives.
As you all know, the Holt-Peralta Halloween bet has been made, and the clock doth tick.
What's with the tux? I decided to class up this year's event.
I bought it off a disgraced magician, and it is chock-full of scarves.
What? How? A real magician never tells, young man.
Now, let's get started.
I've been planning this for three months.
You've all been given a specific role and a code name.
Rosa, you're the dagger.
Sarge, the hammer.
Amy, the hall monitor.
Yeah, suck it! Scully and Hitchcock, I'm just gonna call you your real names so you don't get confused.
- Smart.
- What? And, Boyle, as requested, you will be the deuce.
Although I still think you should reconsider that code name.
Nope, deuce.
It's like ace, but twice as cool.
It is not.
It's a turd.
Now, because of last year, the captain will suspect that you are all helping me, so we will never get anywhere near his watch, but the actual theft will be pulled off by Dan McCreary, aka "fingers.
" How you doing? Call me "fingers.
" Hey, I remember this guy.
That's probably because you've arrested him twice for pickpocketing.
You have a criminal helping you? That's crazy! Grow up, Amy.
Now, we will all work together as a team to move the captain into position.
Once there, fingers Loving that code name Will remove the captain's watch and replace it with this replica watch.
Oh, that is a very dead dove.
Ooh! All right This replica watch.
Jake, if he's been arrested before, how do you know he's any good? Perhaps this will answer your question.
Fingers! Whoa.
That's our stuff.
My croissant.
But where's the smoked Turkey? Check your breast pocket? Come on! Let's win this bet! Salutations, Captain.
I was wondering perchance if you would like to attend the opera with me this Eve.
I'll pass, choosing instead to stay in my locked office with my watch still safely on my wrist.
I had a feeling you might say that.
Thusfore, I have decided to bring the opera to you.
Hitchcock, Scully! Oooo fortuna Now, hammer, it's time.
It's hammer time.
I love life.
You're up, dagger.
No need for the somersaults.
Disagree.
Hall monitor, now! Okay, Boyle, and only because you insisted I say this, it's time to drop a deuce.
And now, the Jake and bake.
Whoa, come on, Amy! Not cool! That's a guy! Peralta, that's enough! Sir, sir.
I'm so sorry.
I just wanted somebody to check my son's candy.
Please, let me help you up.
On behalf of the nine-nine, I apologize.
Fingers has grabbed the package.
I didn't mean for that to sound so dirty.
I'll have someone check your son's bag of candy immediately.
Clark.
Thank you, sir.
If you need anything, please, contact me.
I'll do that.
Thank you.
The replica is on the wrist.
Game over.
I know all this was done in the spirit of a friendly bet, but this all went too far.
Am I understood? - Peralta! - Yes, sir.
Completely understood, sir.
I'm sorry.
But not as sorry as you're going to be at midnight, when you realize you've lost everything.
Hello there, Hank.
I believe a tall, nimble-fingered man named McCreary left a package for me.
- Yeah, it's here.
Give me a sec.
- Thanks.
Ooh, I'm gonna make a movie of you receiving the watch.
Here.
Let me pinch your lips and make fulsome.
Don't touch my face.
Fine, but if you have dull lips, that's on you.
This is Charles Boyle for Jake Action News.
Thank you.
Okay, open the box.
Here we go! That's weird, it's just a note.
"Thanks for the watch"? Oh, no! McCreary stole the captain's watch! Breaking news, there's been a terrible development.
Not now, Charles.
Good call.
Media blackout.
We're okay.
It's not over yet.
I still have two hours to find fingers and get Holt's watch back.
But how? He could be anywhere.
He could be in Canada by now.
There are so many forests up there.
That country is one giant hiding place.
Boyle, I kinda need you to be positive right now, okay? Yes, sorry.
Damn my mouth.
All right, let's look up McCreary's arrest records, past addresses, known associates.
Peralta.
Run, deuce, run.
If you'll excuse me, sir, I have to Make urines in de toilet.
Yeah, that's how people say words.
I'd like to ask a favor.
Can we please press pause on this bet for ten minutes? Sure, or we could press fast-forward, and I could watch you talk like a chipmunk.
Peralta, I'm very disappointed in you.
Yes, that would be very funny.
How do you ruin everything? Kevin is bringing dinner for me, and I don't think he'd appreciate this bet we made.
This watch was given to me by his father just before he died.
Oh! A death watch, cool.
Please, never call it that.
Copy that.
Oh, you know what? You can have the ten minutes, no problem.
Love you, bye.
Boyle, fingers just texted.
He said he wants to meet up.
Yes.
Let's get outta here.
Be cool.
Holt's watching.
Pretend I just said something really funny.
- Get outta here.
- We gotta go.
Enjoy the vest and the light.
You'll be so safe, it's scary.
Lame.
That kid gets it.
Thanks for finally joining us, Gina.
We had to stuff 400 of these things without you.
Great seeing you guys.
Unfortunately, I cannot stay long.
I just came to grab a healthy snack.
Got it.
I'm still tending to that urgent matter I was talking about earlier.
Which is what exactly? Hmm, funny you should ask, you inquisitive litter ferret.
I've been practicing my dance moves.
If you wanna be with me Baby there's a price My dance troupe, Floorgasm, is performing tonight in the boooo-ty shake grand prix.
Gina, what the hell? I defended you, and your urgent matter was just practicing for some stupid dance show? Look, I can't help it if my life is literally a Step Up movie.
Oh, is it? Then I suggest you think of this moment as the montage where you buckle down and take your job seriously so your boss doesn't kill you.
Fine, then I suggest you figure out how to turn on all these sprinklers 'cause I'm about to tell a story.
Okay, fingers wants us to meet him in that alley over there.
What's the playbook, Jakey? Well, he left me that note in the bar to try and scare me.
But it only made me angry.
We go in hard and tough and take what's rightfully ours.
- I want $300.
- Absolutely, no problem.
Whatever you need.
I happen to not have any money on me though.
Charles, do you have any cash? Um, I have $120, and my lucky $2 bill that I found on my first day of kindergarten.
Okay, so that's $122.
- And I want your shoes.
- What? Fine.
Here.
Take my shoes.
Can I please have the watch now? You already have it.
You had it all along.
What? What are you talking about? I put it in the glove compartment of your car.
Think I'm gonna walk around with a stolen police captain's watch? I'm not an idiot.
Great.
Well, I would say thank you, but even for a criminal your customer service has been abysmal.
My pleasure.
Have a good night.
Let's get back to the precinct and win this bet.
Jake! Jake, your car! No! Ow, glass.
No! Ugh, syringe.
Jake, you parked in front of a hydrant.
Stupid fire department.
We gotta think of a way to catch up with that truck.
Oh! How 'bout this? - Yes.
- Hop in.
Go! We're doing it, Boyle.
We're Tokyo drifting.
Gah, I can't see the tow truck anymore.
Charles, how come you're so much slower than a car? I'm just trying not to jostle you too much.
You're the champagne of friends.
Look, there's a bar up ahead.
Maybe we can get a cab up there.
There's still time to get that watch.
All right.
Excuse me! Excuse me.
Shoeless cop coming through.
Oh, God! Charles! Jake, where are you? Come on! Gah! I was gonna wear this jacket to my cousin's bat mitzvah next week.
Hey! Take it easy! Get off of me! Jake, party bus.
Toot! Toot! Get on board.
Good idea, Boyle.
Ugh, get off.
Ahh! He's got my hand! Aghhh! Move! NYPD.
I won't stop the party, but I do need the bus.
Let's dance, rawr.
All right.
What is happening here? It's Halloween, man! Lighten up, ha ha! It's Halloween! Halloween! Well, gotta do something for 16 blocks.
Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Hey, I've been looking for you.
We need to talk.
Can we not do this right now, Terry? I'm in the midst of a personal tragedy.
Oh, my God.
Is everything okay with your family? Family, what? No, this is serious.
Floorgasm just came by and danced me out of the group.
It's not fair.
I founded the group, and now they wanna kick me out just because I missed eight rehearsals in a row? I never thought I'd say this, but Floorgasm has a point.
You're being super irresponsible.
You have a "baditude.
" That's a bad attitude.
I love that.
Look, I didn't want you to know because it's so off-brand for me, but I'm missing rehearsals because I've been going to college at night.
I'm trying to finish my bachelor's degree or whatever.
Really? That's great, Gina.
I'm so proud of you.
And while I generally nail everything, I'm just having trouble balancing my studies and my passion for dance.
Plus, you're working full-time.
Yeah, that actually doesn't factor into it whatsoever.
Anyway, it doesn't matter, because I'm never gonna dance again.
The world just lost an angel.
You know what? I'm gonna dance with you tonight.
I'm not gonna let those losers punish you for doing something good.
School is cool.
That's why it rhymes.
Terry, you are the best! World, your angel has returned.
Oh, God.
Thanks for the ride.
Tag me in those pics.
Ah, hi there.
I'm Jake Peralta, NYPD.
You guys towed my car, and I really need it back.
Mm-hmm.
Got a badge? Yeah, I sure do.
What? D'oh, my badge! Those demons on the party bus must have stolen it.
If you got a license and credit card, just pay to get it out.
Oh, great.
Thank you.
Finally, something goes right.
It's gone horribly wrong! I don't have my I.
D.
or my credit cards, but I really need that car.
Please, I'm begging you.
Rules are rules.
I can't do nothing for you.
Don't shut it.
Don't shut the window.
You got it.
Just gonna give up on this and head straight home without trying anything else.
Oh, look at the view from up here.
I didn't know we lived near water.
Ouch.
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Perfect.
Ah.
I can still win this bet.
I can still win.
No! No! Noooo! Freeze! Don't move! Oh, my God.
There is a tiny chance I may not win this bet.
Talk now! You seem upset.
Well, here's how the story goes.
Remember that little Halloween bet that we made? You probably don't even remember, it was so early this morning.
Anywhoozle, it turns out the criminal I hired to lift your watch was not trustworthy, and I ended up contracting tuberculosis of the foot and subsequently losing your death watch.
But in the end, I like to think this whole thing is gonna bring us closer together.
And isn't that what it's really all about? Merry Christmas! What are you saying? My watch is right here.
No, I made a switch.
That's a fake.
No.
This one's a fake.
What? No.
What? No.
What? No.
You were behind all this? You played me.
Like Frans Bruggen plays the flute.
But how? I've been planning this this theft for three months.
I know, but I've been planning it for a year.
Last Halloween, after you won the bet, I went back to my office to do everyone's paperwork, but I did no paperwork.
I started to plot my revenge.
I began by creating a word cloud.
But how could you possibly have known I was gonna try and steal your watch? I knew you would try to take something important to me.
During the year, I drew your attention to my watch.
You're eight minutes late.
You're 14 minutes late.
You're three minutes early In Chicago.
You annoyed me into stealing it.
Exactly.
Now you had a target, but you needed a plan.
Fortunately, it walked through the door, handcuffed to Diaz.
This scumbag pickpocket is Dan McCreary.
He can take anything off of anyone.
Anything? Anyone? The look on your face, priceless.
I put McCreary into my employ immediately.
Fast-forward to this morning.
You commenced your plan.
McCreary stole my watch, and then replaced it with the replica.
And while you celebrated, McCreary put my watch back in my pocket.
The watch never left my person.
Dun-dun-duh! I can see that you're enjoying this.
Not nearly as much as I enjoyed phase two.
Phase two.
While you met with McCreary, Santiago placed a fire hydrant in front of your car, which she then towed away.
Next, I had to take Charles out of the equation.
He had a badge and a gun, and he would do anything to help you.
Enter a parade of drunks that separated the two of you long enough for Terry to kidnap Charles.
Then two bears spilled their drinks on you and stole your wallet.
Those bears? Scully and Hitchcock.
I can't pull my head off! If Terry kidnapped Charles, how did Charles tell me to get on the party bus? Eight months ago at a morning briefing, I told the squad that a group of thieves was targeting party busses, so I could record Charles saying Jake, party bus! Toot toot! Get on board! I knew Boyle would never knowingly betray me.
With your jacket and shoes gone, you didn't look like a cop, but you still had your badge.
That is, until you entered the party bus.
Rosa's feline dancing distracted you as a mysterious partier stole your badge on Halloween! It was you in the mask! You sly son of a bitch! Well done.
But I do have to ask, those guys at the impound, did they really smash my car? No, in fact, I had them wash it.
Good one, Captain.
You can't "wash a car.
" So how'd you convince the whole squad to betray me? What'd you offer them? I asked them if they wanted to embarrass you, and they instantly said yes.
I'm not gonna lie, that turns me on a little bit.
Hmm.
So in addition to the five weeks of free overtime, I believe I'm owed one more thing.
Yes.
Here we go.
One second.
Very well.
- Captain Raymond Holt - Mm-hmm.
You are an amazing police captain/genius.
But be warned, I started planning next year's heist just this minute.
Good, then you're only three months behind.
You sick son of a bitch.
Hey.
Don't look so sad.
Floorgasm is just a rudderless dance ship without you.
I would have gone with "flock of dum-dums.
" I talked to the captain.
We're all gonna pitch in and help you manage your time so you can pursue dance and school.
And I'd like to volunteer my time to tutor you for free.
Mm, a hard pass on that.
But I do wanna thank you guys for being so understanding and nice.
Now get your game face on.
Sarge, it's time to dance! If you forget your moves, just rip your cape off and throw me up in the air like a pizza.
Put your hands together for the dance duo, Mr.
and Mrs.
Terry Jeffords.
I did not agree to that name! Salt-n-Pepa's here And we're in effect Want you to push it, babe Coolin' by day, then at night Workin' up a sweat Ah, push it