Call Me Fitz (2010) s02e04 Episode Script

You know the guy who said, "No man is an island"? Same douche bag who thought Denmark was rotting.
Fuck that guy.
And welcome to the Island of Fitz.
She wants me.
And the car.
Ka-cheeng, baby.
I'll take it.
Oh, yes, you will.
Larry, bring her the keys.
Yes, sir.
Only 1 way to make sure people recognize who did what.
Congratulations.
And that's to do it all on your own.
Sonja, be a doll and write up the paperwork, will you? Larry, mark it on the board.
Oh, will you look at that? Number one again.
What do you say we celebrate with a well-moisturized hand? Be self-sufficient.
An island.
There.
Saved you a step.
What did I tell you? You want something done right, you got to do it yourself.
Without you I find my smile Without you I won by a mile Without you Oh life would be so grand Without you I'm half a man Without you Without you Without you Got you some Hindu Kush, some purple Urkle, and a surprisingly refreshing hybrid of sativa strains.
But if we're celebrating-- Oh, we're celebrating.
Okay.
Wow.
I got you a classic 5-paper ***.
That's what I love about you, Josh.
You do 1 thing very well.
Mm.
I love you too, man.
Oh, hey, and in honour of whatever we're celebrating, I got you this.
That background check on Larry you asked for.
I asked you for this last year.
Yeah.
The first red flag was when he claimed to be your conscience.
But as you can see, it's far, far more disturbing.
I mean, look at that.
Former Special Ops.
Medical records show symptoms of PTSD and Gulf War Syndrome.
But here's the kicker: I'm not 1/13th Cherokee, Josh.
- Yeah, you are.
- No, I'm not.
Yeah, you are.
No, I'm not.
Yeah, you are.
This is you, Josh.
I'm your conscience? Richard, do we really have time for paranoid delusions and psychotropic-- What does that make Larry? Listen, morons, I'm flushed with cash, I got my first good night's sleep in months and I'm finally breaking ground in the Summer Wind Lounge.
I don't need Tweedledum and Tweedle-functional retard getting in my way, not today.
Nothing is going to ruin today.
Talk to me.
Fucking fuck! Once again, the prophecy rears its ugly head.
Anyone could have done this.
Who else but a shadowy nemesis would dig up a literal skeleton in your metaphorical closet? A dog.
A hobo.
A hobo's dog.
What? Relax.
No one knows we buried her in the first place.
Except for you, me, Ali, Meghan.
Oh, and that asshole Glenn.
Glenn.
Hey.
Hey, this isn't a paid vacation.
Back to work.
Mr.
Fitzpatrick, what a surprise.
Officer.
What do you know about this? Well, this lush 2-acre parcel has great views and direct highway access.
About the body.
A body on my land? Chester Vince offered a trip to Cabo for anyone who gets charges against you to stick.
Might look like a corpse to you, but to me it looks like a ticket to paradise.
Richard had nothing to do with this.
Yeah, because this-- This is an ancient Indian burial ground.
That's right.
Sacred Cherokee land.
And therefore off limits.
This is Unit 12.
We have a situation.
Delete.
Delete.
Definitely delete.
Oh, I really like my hair in this one.
And Fitzy's hair.
Ugh, no.
Delete.
This just came for you.
Mr.
Fitzpatrick and I are through.
And there's nothing he can do or say to change my mind.
Well, I don't think it's from him.
Olaf.
Who's Olaf? Oh, hon.
Here.
Blow.
Hm.
Olaf is obviously somebody.
My first boyfriend.
Let me guess.
Breaking up with him was the biggest mistake of your life.
Yes.
Because you broke his heart.
I did.
So you could be with Richard Fitzpatrick.
How do you know all of this? Every woman has an Olaf: the good man we reject for the selfish bastard.
Oh, he's just complex.
Fitz doesn't care about anyone but himself.
And now fate is offering you another chance with your first love.
It's not every day a man sends you a heart-shaped sausage.
Oh, I couldn't do that to him.
After all Fitz has done to you? No, I couldn't do that to Olaf.
Oh, if Mr.
Fitz snapped his fingers, I would go back to him in a heartbeat.
Ugh! Sometimes I just wish he would tell me to leave.
But he never will because he barely even knows I'm here.
That won't do.
That won't do at all.
Really, Larry? An ancient Indian burial ground? It's going to take the medical examiner about 5 minutes to figure out your Chief Sitting Bullshit.
Look, I don't know what came over me, okay? It must have been all of Josh's talk about Indian heritage.
But you know, maybe we should-- We are going to do nothing.
You are going to keep your trap shut before this whole thing blows up in my face.
Richard Fitzpatrick.
I'm Chief Dwayne "Flying Eagle" Smith of the Cherokee Nation.
We have business to discuss.
Kaboom, fuck-tard.
Chief what-the-fuck-is-it? Dwayne "Flying Eagle" Smith.
Have you never seen an Indian before? Easy on the jungle drums here, kemosabe.
We're all friends here.
Drink? Fire water.
What are you going to offer me next, a smallpox-infected blanket? The police notified our cultural centre that an ancient Indian burial ground was unearthed on some piece of land you claim to own.
Yeah, listen, buddy, we both know that's not Indian land.
And we both know that body didn't bury itself.
Are you saying I lied to the cops? Not a white lie, of course, a lie for people of all colours of the rainbow.
Despite your preconceived notions from the Village People, not all Indian chiefs are gay.
And there's nothing wrong with the ones that are.
Our crack team of tribal anthropologists is on the case, and I'm sure they'll be able to prove that that body is our ancient ancestor.
So you should swing by the cultural centre and sign over that land to us now, or who knows what they'll discover.
You snaky fucker.
It's up to you, honky.
Yeah, that's right.
I went there.
Ancient Indian burial ground? I'm sorry, Richard.
I panicked.
And that is an explanation, not a lie.
Sacred Cherokee lands? The pressure got to me, and all I could think of was Josh's Cherokee heritage.
Josh.
And, as the title deed to the land is in Josh's name-- You said you were taking me for ice cream.
--or in Cherokee hands, if you will, your precious burial ground has been returned.
If your friend is actually Cherokee.
Oh, hey, Fitzy, look.
Friendship bracelets.
Let's get a couple.
Fuck, Josh, will you focus? What fucking language is that? Will you just give him his fucking status card so we can get out of here.
I would be happy to welcome Josh here into our tribe.
I'll even swear him in myself.
Tell me you're not going to fuck this up.
I'm not going to fuck this-- Don't worry, I got this.
Bad boy.
I shouldn't lie.
See what happens? Bad, bad boy.
Shouldn't lie.
Larry.
What? I want you to be honest with me.
Do you think that I have done the right thing by ending it with Fitz? Does he care about anyone besides himself? Oh.
Absolutely.
Yeah, I-- I think that, deep down, he, uh, he must.
Oh, it's s like a drug! You tell one lie and you just can't stop.
But I promise you I will never lie again.
What did you lie about? Crap.
Okay, but listen, you have to promise never to repeat this, because nobody else knows except for Richard and Ali and Meghan and that Glenn guy.
But nobody else, okay? I, uh-- I helped Richard bury a body.
What?! Shh! It was Ali's mother.
But we didn't kill her.
Well, Ali and Richard did.
But it was a mistake.
And of course, Richard blames Ali.
And he's probably going to lose his land because that's where she's buried.
So he's in a bit of a mood.
Excuse me.
All he cares about is that stupid lounge.
God, you know what? Dot Foxley was right.
Mr.
Fitz is a, oh, selfish, selfish B word.
Oh, no, Sonja, Richard is not a B word.
And you cannot trust that Dot Foxley.
She-- She's a witch.
Yeah, w-w-with those voodoo dolls and the horrible things she says, and those bangs.
And you know what? She can do anything, including manipulate your feelings.
Wow, Larry.
What? You know, I always thought that Mr.
Fitz was being hard on you.
But maybe you're just a jerk.
No one manipulates me.
I manipulate myself.
Oh.
Sign here, here, initial there.
Status card.
Hey.
Housing assistance.
And 2 complimentary cartons of smokes.
Well, that's it? That's the big ceremony? That's just a formality.
This is the ceremony.
You're one of us now.
Welcome, brother.
I've always wanted a brother.
Now we smoke the peace pipe.
Oh, best brother ever! Oh! Um Now, the first image you see will be your Cherokee name.
Cool.
How long does it take to sign a fucking status card? Meet the newest son of the Cherokee Nation: Josh "Two Dogs Copulating" McTaggert.
How, motherfucker.
Oh, fuck me.
Josh.
Ah, ah, ah.
Two Dogs Copulating.
Yeah, whatever.
Will you just go back there and tell those lazy assholes it's okay to break ground? Chief Dwayne says that we do not inherit the land from our ancestors, but we borrow it from our children.
Do not renege on this deal, Indian giver.
Renege? Yes.
Like the ice cream that you promised me.
That I'm still waiting for.
Fine, you want to get some ice cream? Let's go get some fucking ice cream.
The time for ice cream is long since past.
You only gave me this land because you wanted to use me.
Just as Chief Dwayne had prophesized.
Not another prophecy.
And who gives a fuck about Chief Dwayne? I do.
And you know what? Chief Dwayne cares about me.
Unlike some people I know.
You really want to double-cross your best friend, Josh? This land is our land.
It's not your land.
And best friend your face.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! You know, there is a lesson in all of this.
- Oh, hey, everyone, look.
- It's Larry.
And he's got an important lesson for all of us.
You know, you should really think about-- Unless this has to do with getting my fucking land back, I don't want to hear it.
Don't you see? This isn't just me saying you should change.
It's destiny saying you must.
You can't just go around using people who care about you.
Well, you never have to worry about me using you, Larry.
You're fucking useless.
It's not just me.
You use Josh for intoxication, Sonja for sexual gratification.
You never value their feelings, and guess what, buddy? They just walked away from you.
Big fucking deal.
I find a new dealer and another unhinged jaw.
And what about Ali Devon? Hm? You couldn't admit your feelings, so you treated her horribly to overcompensate for the fact that you really cared about her.
No, I did that to get laid.
And how did that end up? With her mother's body in the ground, with is the whole reason we are in this mess.
You're right.
Ali.
That's who I should be using.
I'll cut to the chase.
Someone dug up mama dearest, and Larry thought it would get the cops off our backs if we told them it was an ancient Indian burial ground.
She's been buried for 4 months.
Tell it to the Cherokees.
They forged the investigation and put in a land claim.
Well, great.
Then problem solved.
No, problem not solved.
They stole my land.
I need it back.
I am this close to building my lounge.
So what do you want me to do about it, exactly? Take the fall? No way.
Come on.
You've got that little-dicked Chester Vince wrapped around your finger.
You could do whatever you want.
And why would I want to sacrifice myself to protect you? Because you still love me.
How narcissistic can you be? You are a parasite, and I will not let you suck the life out of me anymore.
Oh, it's always you, you, you.
What about me? I will not use my relationship with Chester to help you.
Relationship? That's right.
Holy shit.
You're actually dating that sexual anorexic? Well, I'm not in the mood for appetizers anymore.
Meeting's over, Fitz.
Yeah.
Fuck.
Hey.
So did Fitz send you? No.
No, no, no.
I mean, he drove me, but I-- I come of my own accord.
Yeah, because, Josh, your friendship is too important to just throw away.
Then why is he in the car? Look, it's my lie that caused this rift.
So please, Josh, you have to forgive him.
He is afraid of real emotion other than rage and orgasm.
So please, help me help you to help him.
I have a new way of life now, Larry.
I catch dreams now.
Dreams.
Oh.
Oh, but didn't your people intend to share their land? Of course.
It is the Cherokee way.
And that is why I've agreed to sign it over to Chief Dwayne.
Are you out of your fucking mind? Wait, wait, wait.
Richard, stop it.
Guys, I know tensions are high right now-- Stop it! --but there's a simple solution.
Richard, I believe an apology is in order.
You're right.
Where's my fucking apology, asshole? Richard, stop.
You apologize to Josh.
All right, Josh.
You know what? You're right.
I did.
I used you.
But I'm not the only one.
Why do you think Chief Dwayne had such a hard-on for this piece of land? Can't you see the signs? It's a trick.
My brothers would never build on sacred ground.
It is not the Cherokee way.
I hate to break it to you, but that body was no ancient stiff.
Your brother suppressed a police investigation and used you as a pawn in order to build an Indian casino on my land.
That's the Chief Dwayne way.
I I don't believe y.
Well, then, you know what? Fuck you, Josh.
Fuck you, Fitz.
No, sir.
Fuck you, Larry! Fuck you, Larry! These are my good orgy cuffs.
Give me the fucking key or they're going to find on this piece of land.
What do you mean? Just give me the fucking key, Larry! No, I will not be scared by your veiled threats.
And I've had enough of the fighting and the deceit.
And we are not going anywhere until we resolve this emotional standoff.
So-- Chester! Oh, I have been looking everywhere for you.
What are you doing here? I'm so sick of him, Richard Fitzpatrick.
I wish he was dead! Okay, well, let's-- Join the club.
No, I really wish he was dead.
Do you know what I did today? I went out and bought a gun.
Oh, God, Chester.
Just-- That is a water pistol.
Filled with pee.
You haven't really thought this through, have you? No, ma'am.
Oh, Chester, look, I-- I wasn't sure if I should tell you this or not, but now seeing you here with a water pistol full of your own urine-- No, it's not mine.
Chester, I need to tell you something.
How bad could it be? It's not like you two hid a body together.
Ali Devon! Mom wanted an organic funeral.
They are good for the plant, but how could you do that with him? Who else was I going to call, Chester? You? Yes.
No.
And that's the point.
Look, at the time, I thought that I needed him, but I see now how wrong I was.
I chose you.
Then testify against him.
No.
Look, it was-- It was my idea.
It was my mistake.
And if I confess to this, he is out of our lives for good.
Chester, I'm going to turn myself in.
Then I promise I won't t prosecute.
Thank you! Oh! To the full extent of the law.
Right.
Holy shit.
They're here.
Construction's starting already? No, Two Dogs Fucking.
It's the toxic waste guys I called.
- It's Two Dogs Copulating.
- Whatever.
Toxic waste, Richard? Yeah.
Those Cherokee fuckers are trying to steal my dream, and if I can't have it, no one can.
Give me the key, Larry.
No, Richard, I will not unlock these cuffs until you admit your true feelings to Josh.
Fine.
You want to know how I feel, Josh? Yes.
I feel used.
You? Yes, me.
All the years I put up with you.
The cars you never fixed, the pot you never buy enough of, the tax-free cigarettes you don't cut me in on.
This is not helping.
And what about you? Insulting me, ignoring me, stealing my pot, lying to me.
Fine, there might have been a few exaggerations, a couple of miscommunications.
But I have never, ever fucking lied to you, man.
Not like that Chief what's-his-nuts.
Chief Dwayne.
Yeah, fine, whatever.
Look, you and I are like-- Are like-- We're like nature.
We're like parasites.
You leech off my awesome and I leech off your weed.
So we're connected.
Yeah.
Like brothers.
I wouldn't go that far.
Would you just give him the thing? Fine.
We're like brothers.
Okay, truck, truck, truck.
Go.
Oh, go.
Yeah, yeah, we got to go.
We got to go! We got to go! We got to go now, Larry! Larry, hurry up.
Come on, Larry.
All right, go, go, go.
Those fuckers won't be able to build on here for decades.
Oh, Richard.
What are you doing here? Against every instinct I have to sit back and watch you suffer, I decided to give you what you want.
I told Chester that the body was my mother's and that I acted alone.
I knew it.
You still want me.
Close.
The Cherokee's expropriation order has been thrown out.
The land is all yours again.
Oh, fuck me.
I need a drink.
You were right about Mr.
Fitz.
I don't know why I can't just accept it.
He only cares about himself.
Anyway, thank you.
You're welcome.
Larry, he is not help.
He's just so Larry.
Can you believe that he thinks you're a witch? Oh? Yeah.
He's got this whole crazy theory.
I think that he's just intimidated by women.
I felt that.
Yeah.
And I don't see anything wrong with your bangs.
Thank you.
Mm-hm.
Well, if compassion is witchcraft, then keep it coming, sister.
Duly noted.
Good night, then.
Okay.
Boo.
Whoo! Bye.
What? This is Larry.
I'm sorry I missed your call.
So sorry.
Please leave a message after the tone, please.
Sorry.
Larry, it's Sonja.
Um, I really need to get a hold of you because you were right about Dot.
She is a witch.
Darn it.
Larry, it's Sonja.
Uh, you really need to pick up the phone.
Huh?