Changing Ends (2023) s02e04 Episode Script

'A boy's testes will swell to
more than three times their size
'when they go through puberty.
'From the ages of 11,
'you'll start to notice
changes in your body.'
Sex education? HE SNIGGERS
There's hardly any sex
and barely any education.
No-one left those lessons knowing
how to, you know, "do it".
Quite frankly, I'm surprised
the human race didn't
die out after 1987.
'Having intercourse, though,
'could cause an
unwanted pregnancy.
'Many young girls are
ostracised by their own families
'and need to take
drastic action.
'Sexual attraction
between a man and a woman
'is nothing to be ashamed
of and completely natural.
'It may start with a
feeling of butterflies.'
Has anyone seen an ovary?
'A warm sensation, a
fizziness in your tummy.
'Sexual attraction
should be enjoyed.
'It is nothing to
be ashamed of.'
Found it!
BELL RINGS
Oh, I don't know, Kay.
Fizziness in your tummy?
I'm a boy, not a SodaStream.
I found it all a bit patronising.
Why show a cartoon vulva?
Vulva? I thought it was a pasty.
Oh, I've been meaning to ask.
Looking forward to
the disco, Alan?
Oh, yeah, I love a good dance.
What are you doing?
Walking like an Egyptian. Fun
and historically accurate.
If you like hieroglyphics
and dancing
BOTH: It's perfect!
No-one's going to dance, Alan.
We're gonna impress the ladies.
Yeah, Sarah Bedley's gonna get
the wettest kiss of her life.
I heard Nicola Barnes has
started wearing a bra now. Yeah?
Oh, yeah.
ALAN SIGHS
Are there any girls
on your mind, Alan?
The Bangles?
Actually, I've been preparing
a routine for the disco.
I hear there's gonna be
slow dances at the end.
I think people are
gonna kiss, Alan.
Take your mind out the gutter.
Can't people just kick
back and do the conga
without a tongue being
forced down their throat?
It's natural. You saw the video
- the fizziness, butterflies.
I also saw the bit on
unwanted pregnancy.
HE GROANS
Bad news, Alfie's out. Ankle
injury, could be broken.
What? No, not Alfie.
Surely not?!
I mean, we've got Preston
snapping at our heels.
Where's, er, Joy? I
need an insurance form.
I don't know. She walked out.
What?
Said she felt undervalued and
was sick of being talked down to.
Yada, yada, yada.
I caught her crying
over the photocopier.
Was she all right? I dunno.
But we had to get rid of
a whole batch of A4 paper.
It was wet through.
Oh, poor Joy.
Poor Joy? That paper
ain't cheap, Graham.
And this were top quality. Cut
yourself with it, you bleed gold.
HE GROANS
YOUNG ALAN: Mmm. Mmm
OK, I was intrigued
about this kissing thing.
I could perfect my kiss in
the privacy of my bedroom.
My forearm crease wasn't
gonna slap me around the face
for slipping in a bit of tongue.
And if I'm honest, I was probably
a bit scared about the kissing.
The only woman I'd ever fancied
was Maria from Guess Who,
and that was only
because she had a beret.
But interestingly, my eyes
would always find Bernard.
Any dirty washing, Alan?
No!
DOORBELL RINGS
You going? School disco.
School disco? Yeah, Nigel's
supplying his old DJ equipment.
Used to spin the decks.
Did all the big venues.
Cinderella Rockerfella, Slurps.
Oh, I didn't know
he was musical.
Oh, my God, you should
see him. He is effortless.
Are you going as well, then?
He can't perform
without me, Christine.
He's gotta be lookin' in
my eyes to feel the rhythm.
It's a kids' disco, Ange.
I know, I used to take
Charlie to all his gigs.
Whack the pram
against the speaker.
Knocked him right out,
he'd sleep through.
He's probably traumatised. I'll
keep an eye on Alan for you.
Who's he gonna be dancing
with, do you know?
Oh, he'll have a few
options, but, erm,
I think he's quite happy with
Kay. The little elderly girl?
That's nice.
Disco could be perfect
for him, actually.
Oh, my Alan's a good little
mover. Low lighting, loud music -
he might have more luck if the
girls can't see him or hear him.
Wish I couldn't see or hear you.
Well, I best skidoodle. Gotta give
Nige a leg up with his woofer.
Deely boppers.
GRAHAM: Hey, what's for tea?
"Oh, how was your day, Christine?
Do anything nice, Christine?
"Leave the house and get
any fresh air, Christine?"
Fish fingers. Oh.
So, what did we learn at
school today, lads? Impress me.
Hormones make you fizzy,
your testicles can swell
up to three times the size,
and a wet dream can
happen at any moment.
I've gotta be on my guard.
Christ. Three times?
I don't think they should be telling
kids all this. It scares 'em.
Let 'em have their childhood.
Vaginas - big deal,
we've all got 'em.
How was your day,
Graham? Oh, horrific.
Alfie's out, ankle injury.
Oh, and Joy left. Stormed off.
Oh, I liked Joy.
Think she had a breakdown.
Couldn't handle it, you know.
We're gonna struggle
without her.
Well, I can do it.
Don't be daft. Why not?
Well, it's a lot of counting.
I can count. Everyone's got
three fish fingers, ain't they?
Come on, give me a
go, I wanna do it.
Everywhere I look, I see women
taking control of their lives,
leaving the kitchen,
hanging up their pinnies
and making a real difference
to their community.
Well, I'm ready to
make that change.
I wanted peas, not beans.
And make that change, she did.
She was in that office before
you could say "suffragette".
A to C, they go first.
Followed by D to G.
Like the alphabet, you know.
Oh, and I'm guessing Z goes
oh, at the end?
Good girl. Ha, quick learner.
Well, so, do I get the job?
Let's see how well
you make a cuppa.
SHE LAUGHS
Are you being serious?
Oh, and she always hides
Garibaldis in here.
See if you can find 'em, yeah?
SHE SIGHS
I was confused.
I'd often heard Val bragging
about her vigorous sex life
and wondered if she
could enlighten me.
Val, what was your
first kiss like?
Did you feel fizzy inside?
Ooh, that takes me back.
My first kiss was Runny?
Er, yes, please.
It was with a boy called
Fred. He had lovely eyes.
The colours of Mushy peas?
And lips like Two fishcakes?
And then he whispered
in my ear
Could I tempt you
with a sausage?
Of course, he tried it on, and
if my father had found out,
he would have been Mincemeat?
There you go, my lovely.
And then he grabbed me, pulled
me onto the bed and said
Turnover? Apple
or plain? Plain.
There you go, my
lovely. Thank you.
And how did it make
you feel? Dripping?
More dripping! Yeah.
I just felt fizzy.
Well, I'm glad she
cleared that up (!)
Ron. Oh, Graham.
You won't believe
this. What's up?
It's more bad news.
They've given us a female linesman
for the game on Wednesday.
You are joking. I wish I was.
How can she be a linesman?
Women don't even watch football.
She won't know
which end is which.
Paddy, you can explain the offside
rule to her, because I'm not.
Women understanding the
offside rule? Never.
Never. Never.
Can youse hear yourself talk? You
sound like a bunch of Victorians.
I'll shut the door. And
don't shut the door!
You should be ashamed of yourselves.
And, Ron, you've got a daughter.
There are women
bloody everywhere.
You know, if someone had
told me back in 1961,
when I started playing,
that a woman would tell us what
was a goal and what wasn't,
I'd have laughed in their face.
They're taking over the
world. I blame Bananarama.
THEY CHUCKLE
BRENDA: Er, may I
hoover? Back off, Brenda!
Don't tell us what to do.
Enter.
Miss Gideon? Can I have a word?
Anything for you, my angel.
I need some advice.
You see
I wanna go to the disco, but
I don't wanna go to the disco.
Oh, I'm not making much
sense. But you love dancing.
It's not the dancing,
its everything else.
Everyone, all of a sudden, is
just talking about kissing.
Ah.
A strange thing, a kiss.
The Kiss Of The Spider Woman, A
Prelude To A Kiss, the band Kiss.
I've been in them all.
But it's who or what
the kiss might lead to
that's worrying you.
Now I just feel scared. I think
I'm just gonna stay at home.
Oh, listen, you're just feeling
the pressure of expectations.
You're still finding your
feet - you know, who you are,
who you might like to be, who
you might like to like.
But they need
help at the disco.
What if you could be
there and not be there?
When it gets a bit too
much - mop, mop, mop.
When you have a
feeling in your gut -
bunting, bunting, bunting.
And then, when you're ready
breathe, smile
and come back more
confident than ever!
But I don't FEEL confident.
Then fake it! What?
Well, when you were in Animal
Farm, the musical, you were a pig.
Are you a pig in real
life? Course not.
Then why can't you play
a confident young man?
You were a pig. SHE OINKS
Fake it. We're all faking it.
When did you fake it?
North Korea, 1984.
It was the opening night
of Starlight Express.
God, I couldn't sing, I
couldn't even roller skate.
I just clung to
the side and mimed.
Do you know what
the critics said?
It was the worst thing they'd
ever seen? It was a triumph.
Hm.
Fake it. Give it a go.
Bonne chance!
DISCO MUSIC
When I went to the school disco,
I only had one thing on my mind.
Boys, boys, boys I'm
looking for a good time
Boys, boys, boys ♪
Ah!
Slushies!
The blue one was my favourite.
These were like our
modern-day spice.
Where else could you get
brain freeze, a blue tongue
and mild hallucinations
if you had more than two?
They were a triple
threat in a paper cup.
He'll be off his
tits in five minutes.
Guess who? Hi, Kay.
YOUNG ALAN GASPS Nice beret.
Very Maria. Thanks.
Bernard?
You look so handsome
in your chinos. Thanks.
I wish my mum had put a
crease down the front.
That's how he wears them.
Nathan from Brother
Beyond? Poirot.
DJ: Next tune, The
Only Way Is Up.
Is it really, though,
when you're free-falling through
a life you have no control over?
ALAN: 'While we all
wanted to get on down,
'Mr Chapman was just down.'
Lovely turnout.
Maybe we could cosy
up on the crash mats.
This repetitive beat isn't
conducive to good conversation.
Oh, someone's tugging at
my bunting. Wait there.
Oh, there you are!
I just dropped Alan at the
disco and got your message.
What's so urgent? I
did all my filing.
Cups. What?
Clean cups. Eleven cups of
tea. The away team are parched.
And I don't know
how to work the urn.
Is it hot water, or?
You've dragged me halfway across
town to do the washing up?!
And make the tea.
I've got a million and one
other things to be doing.
Plus, poor Gary
should be in bed!
When is the modern
women gonna learn?
Either mother or businesswoman.
You have to make a choice.
I'll give you a choice.
Which testicle do
you want me to kick?
Ten minutes, lads.
Must be hard for her. What?
Getting her lippy to
match the corner flag.
MEN CHUCKLE Ron!
This was our first
dance and the last.
SONG: 'Don't You Want Me'
Are you lot gonna
dance, or what?
Dearie me. Oh, forget it.
HE GRUNTS, LAUGHTER
HE SOBS
Come on, big man. That's right.
SOBBING INTENSIFIES You're OK.
WAILING: I feel so bad.
Another one? I'll
be over the limit.
Do you think it
will be incremental,
or more of a fundamental shift?
What? The kissing.
The butterflies.
Sorry, Kay, Val wants me.
Don't you want me? You
know I can't believe it ♪
Alan. LAUGHTER
Don't you want me? ♪
Hello, Easton Lovell!
We having a good time?
Yes! Let's hear you.
MICROPHONE FEEDBACK
Yeah! Yeah.
OK, so, Mr Chapman's
not feeling very well.
He's just gonna go and get
a strong cup of coffee,
but in the meantime, get
ready for the Nigel Hudson
LOW VOICE: experience.
SONG: 'Never
Gonna Give You Up'
MR CHAPMAN SOBS
KNOCKING ON DOOR Yeah?
Hello, there.
I just wanted to say,
ignore those idiots.
Idiots? My husband
and the chairman.
They can come across as a
bit bit sexist, you know.
I don't listen. I just switch
off and try and stay focused.
Oh! Good for you.
What does your husband
think about you doing this?
I'm single. Aw,
well, that's a shame.
Oh, well, you might see
a nice man in the crowd
when you're waving
your flaggy thing.
Let's hope so, eh?
Oh, that's the spirit.
I know you're being all professional
and doing everything by the book,
but would you like a
cup of tea and biscuit?
Not before a match. Ah.
Oh, your outfit
really suits you.
I'm not just a linesman, you know.
I play football with other women.
Oh, and I thought
I was doing well
doing a bit of filing
here and there.
Well, you're doing your
bit, and that's what counts.
You know, women's football
is gonna grow and grow.
Well, keep dreaming, darling.
Yeah, baby, she's got it
I'm your Venus
I'm your fire,
your desire ♪
"I am two fools, I know
"For loving and for saying so."
What? Nothing, nothing.
Have you felt fizzy
tonight? Why? Have you?
ALAN: 'So, this was it.
Everything had led to this moment.
'My life was going
to change forever.'
Alan! Ms Gideon!
I've got a call-back!
A call-back? For what?
A musical! Big, huge, huge musical.
I'm down to the last three.
You didn't tell me
about a musical.
Well, I didn't
want to tempt fate.
The Scottish Play, break a leg,
never stroke a hamster
on a Wednesday, all that.
So, when will you be
doing this musical?
Rehearsals start in a
fortnight if I get it.
Cross everything. So
you'll be leaving?
Oh. Oh, Alan. Oh,
God, I didn't think.
CROWD CHANTING: Shoe
Army! Shoe Army!
Shoe Army! Shoe Army!
Right, come on. Hold
that line. Push up.
Come on, lads!
CROWD CHEER Hold that
line! Hold that line!
MAN IN CROWD: Who let
her out of the kitchen?
LAUGHTER, CHEERING
AND APPLAUSE
What will I do when you go?
You'll be fine. You're young.
Sometimes you've
got to trust yourself
and just leap into the abyss.
Look at me - I'm an actress,
a bloody good one
and I can't let this
opportunity just pass me by.
I'm not as brave as you.
Brave does as brave should be.
Tu es brava, non?
You do talk in
riddles, Ms Gideon.
MS GIDEON EXCLAIMS
I can't believe it.
Alan's getting off with
that mental teacher.
Are you all right?
Oh, not her as well.
SCOFFING: Mate.
I hope you don't mind,
but I've asked Nigel to
play Walk Like An Egyptian.
Thanks, but I'm
not in the mood.
MS GIDEON SIGHS What
have I told you, Alan?
Mop, mop, mop. Fake it!
Do you think The Bangles know
how to walk like Egyptians?
They live in California.
They wouldn't know a pyramid
if it slapped them in the face.
Come on, let's get
in there and dance.
I really hope you don't
get that part, Ms Gideon.
I hope you gave the
worst audition yet.
I hope you forgot your lines
and walked into scenery.
I hope every word
fell flat. Oh, Alan
SHE SIGHS as if that
could ever happen.
Come on, let's go.
DJ: 'And we've got
a request from Kay
'and our very own
Cleopatra's Canteen Val.
'This is Walk Like An Egyptian.'
SONG: 'Walk Like An Egyptian'
All the old
paintings on the tomb
They do the sand
dance Don't you know?
If they move too quick, oh-whey-oh
They're falling down like a domino
All the bazaar men by the
Nile They got the money on a bet
Gold crocodiles, oh-whey-oh
They snap their teeth
On your cigarette ♪
Come on! Whoa!
Whey-oh, whey-oh
Ooh-whey-oh, whey-oh
Walk like an Egyptian ♪
Oh! Kay!
Walk like an Egyptian ♪
PUPIL: Come on, everybody,
dance! We have to go!
Kay, you picked my
favourite song. I love you!
DJ: Thank God that's over.
And now the slow dance.
I see forever, oh, so clearly ♪
I've got butterflies.
What? Like we talked
about? Yeah, inside me.
I feel fizzy and
fuzzy. Oh, wow!
Our dreams are young
And we both know ♪
You've been practising, too.
Yes. But I'm ready now.
ALAN: 'So, THIS was it.
'Alan, close your eyes
and open that mouth.' Ooh!
HE RETCHES ALL: Ew!
Oh, Alan. LAUGHTER
It's all over my chinos.
'I guess Ms Gideon was right.
'Sometimes a kiss does lead
on to something unexpected.'
No, no, no, no! Finch,
come out, come out!
'We kiss for all
kinds of reasons.
'Sometimes, grown men kiss
when they score a goal,
'which makes me feel
uncomfortable.' No!
Graham, Graham, look, the bird.
CHEERING
And then, sometimes, you
get a big old smacker
Yes! For making
the right decision.
Yes! Oh! You beauty!
HE GROANS, CROWD GROANS
He deserved that.
FAN: Up the Cobblers, Graham!
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