Chappelle's Show (2003) s02e04 Episode Script

1
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Chappelle's Show.
Oww.
Woo-hoo-hoo.
Woo-hoo.
Yeah, yeah.
Let's start
the show..
(man) You've just met
that special someone,
and you're letting your
desire for each other
take you to
incredible heights.
But these days,
you can never be too sure
they aren't going to dispute
whether the sex
was consensual.
Mm, mm
wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Before we go
any further
Which is why
this night calls for:
The Love Contract.
What's this?
Nothing,
it's just a document
saying that you're
a willing participant
in this sexual
experience, baby.
Well, I am.
Just sign
here and here
and initial there,
for oral.
Oral?
I'm gonna do you, too.
Okay.
And just initial there,
if you decline anal.
Unless,
of course you
No no no,
it's not going down.
Pretty much standard, okay.
I don't know
about you, but
I'm still horny.
Let's do this, girl.
Oh oh, make me
feel good!
The Love Contract.
Because you'd hate
to catch a beef
for something
you know you didn't do.
And now
Yow!
(grunting)
Ah
Oh
Well, that didn't
take too long.
I know.
Just do me
a favor, okay?
Don't tell anybody
about this.
From the makers of
The Love Contract comes:
The Confidentiality Agreement.
Don't worry.
I'm not gonna
tell anybody.
I know you won't.
Or I'll
sue your ass
Kobe!
Available
at all Wall-Barts.
(man)
Ladies and gentlemen,
Dave Chappelle!
Oh, boy!
Hey, everybody.
Hey, man.
Welcome to
Chappelle's Show.
How about that
Love Contract?
That might be a Hollywood joke,
you know.
Hollywood's a crazy place.
I don't know if you guys know
people that work in Hollywood,
or talk to people
There's a guy that does sketches
on our show, Charlie Murphy.
He was, like, "Tyree" in
"The Mad Real World."
That's Eddie Murphy's
older brother.
A lot of people
don't know that but,
he used to just tell us
stories at lunchtime
about being in Hollywood
that were so crazy.
And he told us
one story that was so good
we had to have him come here and
tell it for you guys tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen,
make some noise,
Charlie Murphy's
True Hollywood Stories.
(applause)
I get out the Navy,
my brother's famous.
His fame is exploding.
I'm real proud of that,
you know what I mean?
I'm getting to
hang out with people
that I only read about
in magazines
and seen, you know,
on the screen somewhere.
I'm, like, standing
next to them
and being at
dinner tables with them
and, you know, it was
a bug-out, man.
You know,
I was a huge Rick James fan.
That's the first person
that I would say
out of all
the celebrities that I met
that I was starstruck.
We gonna hang out
with Rick James tonight
you know what I'm saying?
And here he comes out the room,
when I look at him
and I'm not
bullshitting you, man,
I seen, like
like a orange
his aura or whatever,
I seen it,
it was orange.
Give it to me, baby
he started kicking it.
And he was
mad-niggerish, man,
which was right up my alley.
I'm one of the baddest
motherfuckers of all time.
I'm one of
the best singers
and one of the best-lookin'
motherfuckers you've ever seen.
Hold my drink, bitch.
He'd walk up to any chick
and lick the whole side
of their face, man.
I'm Rick James, bitch.
Enjoy yourself.
Heh, heh, heh
We got closer,
started hanging out.
My brother didn't do
any of this shit.
So, at night,
when Eddie would break out
we would all be getting
crazy and wild.
And if I was
hanging with Rick,
he had this thing with me
where he used to always,
like, fuck with me, man.
I don't know
what started it.
Charlie, he was hanging out
with the big dogs, you know?
Charlie, he didn't know he was
doing crazy things
and I had to
straighten him out.
Sometimes I had to go
upside his head.
Things escalated
to the point where
(Charlie) You know,
my man got too familiar
and I ended up having to
whip his ass, man,
you know, because
you know, because he would
step across the line.
Habitually
he's a habitual line-stepper.
The first time, you know,
I had to end up
whipping his ass, uh
we went to "Studio 54."
We walkin' up into
the VIP section and, um,
I'm looking around
to see who's there
and lookin' at the girls
and everything.
And all of a sudden
I heard someone go
Charlie Murphy!
That was,
cold-blooded
heh, heh, heh!
He had this ring on
to commemorate this song
he had put out called "Unity."
And this was imprinted
in that black head of his
for at least a week.
Unity
Eddie and everybody else
thought that that was
the funniest shit.
And so, that threw me in a
weird space 'cause I'm, like,
yeah, this is Rick James,
he's a star
I'm Rick James, bitch.
This is
a celebration, bitch.
Maybe I'm overreacting.
I actually
went there, like,
maybe I shouldn't
do nothing
but my ghetto side was goin'
"yo, stomp this motherfucker
out, right here.
What the fuck
is wrong with him?"
I drunk some wine and I'm
just getting started, bitches.
Heh, heh, heh
He totally
just wrote me off.
Like, I'm that nigga
to steal on,
you know what I'm sayin'?
What, he's gonna
slap me back?
I'm Rick James,
he's Charlie Murphy.
I waited, 'cause I knew what
hotel he was stayin' in.
Eddie and them went home
and I said,
"yo, I'll be right back."
I shot over to the hotel,
went up to his room,
knocked on the door
so, then,
he comes in there.
And I said, "look, bitch,
I'm Rick James.
Smack me!"
Heh, heh, heh
Oh, Charlie Murphy!
He had his head cocked
to throw another right hand.
When he was coming for it,
I just came blaow!
I caught him
with the front.
He'll tell it
like he gave me
some kind of Bruce Lee
crosskick or somethin'.
I kicked the shit
out of him, man.
Aahh!
The wind
is knocked out of him.
And then
he screams out
security!
The one in the front,
he had crooked eyes and shit.
His one eye
was lookin' at me,
the other one was
looking at Rick.
Rick had edged over
by the window.
Now, Darkness,
the tables are turned.
Do with him
whatever you like.
You motherfuckers
take one more step,
I'm kickin' this nigga out
the motherfuckin' window.
Bobby, freeze!
You know you was wrong for
what you did to me earlier.
Look what you did
to my face.
I'm sorry, Charlie Murphy,
it was an accident.
I was having
too much fun.
I'll offer you a truce.
The stickiest
of the icky.
You wanna smoke with
the old boy, Rick James?
Yo, my forehead
is bumpin', man.
Now that you mention it,
I think I'm bleeding
inside my chest.
But I got the medicine.
Bitch, come over here and
have sex with Charlie Murphy.
I'm Rick James, bitch.
That was how that
particular incident ended,
but it wasn't the last time
I had to whip his ass
whip his ass
whip his ass.
Don't you think
Charlie's a little old
to be taking karate?
He probably takin' it
with the little kids.
Yeah, Charlie whipped my ass
in his dreams.
I told you, Charlie had
delusions of grandeur.
I'm telling you
what was happening.
I'm Rick James, bitch.
You guys at home,
stay comfortable
because the whole episode's
gonna be just like this.
We'll be right back
with more Chappelle show.
I'm going to
the Dave Chappelle show.
How's this?
(cheers & applause)
We're back with more
Chappelle's Show.
You know, folks
I don't know if you guys
are just joining us
but if you
missed the first act,
Charlie and Rick James are in
the midst of a conflict.
Let's see how the ongoing
Charlie and Rick James feud
develops.
The Studio 54 thing,
that blew over,
you know what I'm saying?
But then, you know,
here we go again.
Cocaine
is a hell of a drug.
(chuckles)
Rick is encouraging me.
You know, he shows up at
my brother's house, fucked up.
Nice place, nigga.
(Charlie) So, he had these
dirty cowboy boots on.
Pushing us out of the way,
barged in the house.
My brother had
these brand new couches.
They were suede, right?
And he gets
on the couch and says:
Why don't
I stretch out?
Heh, heh, heh
and just started grinding mud
all into the couch, man.
Hell, yeah, I remember
grinding my feet
into Eddie's couch.
(man) You remember why you did it?
Because Eddie
could buy another one.
Fuck your couch, nigga.
Buy another one,
you rich motherfucker.
Fuck yo' couch, nigga!
Fuck yo' couch!
Darknesses,
Darknesses
'cause of my complexion
he used to call me "Darkness."
He calls me and my brother
"Darkness."
He always says,
"Darkness Brothers."
See, this is long before
Wesley Snipes.
Back then, we was the
blackest niggas on the planet
according to Rick James.
Both of them were
Brother Darkness.
Twin Brother Darkness.
And we standing there,
looking at him
and he's looking right in our
eyes as he grinds his mud
see, I never just did things
just to do them.
Come on, I mean,
what am I gonna do?
Just, all of a sudden,
just jump up and grind my feet
on somebody's couch
like it's something to do?
Come on, I got a little
more sense than that.
Yeah, I remember grinding
my feet on Eddie's couch.
(tape rewinding)
See, I never just did things
just to do them.
Come on, I mean,
what am I gonna do?
Just, all of a sudden,
just jump up and grind my feet
on somebody's couch
like it's something to do?
Come on, I got a little
more sense than that.
Yeah, I remember grinding
my feet on Eddie's couch.
But then it was like,
"you know what?
Let's handle this."
We went over there
Hey, Charlie Murphy!
And we held him down,
and we just
wailed on his legs.
Aahhh!
Aah, you Darkness
you black, midnight
evil motherfucker!
Black magic,
Darkness!
You're all Darkness!
You're fuckin'
delirious motherfucker
Aah!
You are cold as ice.
But, still,
Rick James,
even after taking
a beating like that
Fuck yo couch, nigga.
This motherfucker's
goin' out.
His legs is like,
like, linguine.
I've been kicked out of
better homes than this!
I'll be back,
you black motherfuckers!
Wide-nose-havin'
motherfuckers!
They shoulda never
gave you niggas money!
You don't know how to
appreciate shit!
You know you can
get another couch!
What am I gonna do
about my legs, Eddie Murphy!
My brother, you know,
he's a lot more
compassionate than I am.
He's looking and the limo's
drivin' off and he said,
"wow, man
Rick really needs help."
And I was, like,
"yo, we just
gave him some help.
"Bust his fuckin' ass
and shit.
"I bet you
he won't come over here
and disrespect
like that again."
Wrong wrong!
We're talkin' about
Rick James, man.
Cocaine's
a hell of a drug.
I'm Rick James, bitch.
Don't go nowhere,
we'll be right back.
With more of Charlie Murphy's
True Hollywood Stories.
Chappelle's Show.
Better not
bring your kids!
(cheers & applause)
All right
and now,
ladies and gentlemen.
It is time for the
dramatic conclusion
of Charlie Murphy's
True Hollywood Stories.
I had to fuck him up at 54.
You know,
for what he did at 54,
I had to go to his hotel and
kick the shit out of him.
Then, he came over
to my brother's house
and I had to whip his legs
because of what
he did on the couch.
I heard him tell a story
that he came into
the China Club one time
and I was behind the bar.
Now, this is true.
(Charlie)
This particular night,
I go over
to the China Club.
And, um, I walk in
and I'll never forget
the first thing I seen
was O.J. Simpson.
I remember
thinking to myself,
"wow, that's O.J. Simpson!
He has a big
fuckin' head, man."
And I walk from there,
I went in the other section
and there's Rick
behind the bar.
Drink up!
Be merry!
Welcome,
to the China Club.
A China chung-chang
a China
chung-chung chang.
Rick's, you know,
being Rick.
Come on, baby,
show me your titties
I'm Rick James,
do something!
Umm umm
I wish I had more hands.
So I could
give those titties
four thumbs down
heh, heh, heh
I ain't realize
how high he was.
Next thing you know,
he's like
Charlie Murphy!
What's up,
partner?
Darkness, everybody,
Darkness!
Everyone,
Darkness is spreading!
Come over here, Charlie.
I'm behind the bar
and I'm serving drinks
and Charlie bends over,
I call out,
"Charlie, come here."
Charlie
there's a new joke
going around,
have you heard it?
What did the five fingers
say to the face?
What?
Slap!
Cold blooded
Bang, bang!
I'm Rick James,
bitch!
Everybody
King Kong
ain't got shit on me!
I'm standing there,
I'm thinking,
this nigga really
has lost his fuckin' mind.
First of all,
you don't slap a man.
Okay?
I mean, even when slapping
was fashionable, you know,
they did it in Paris,
the guy would come up,
whap-whap
"I challenge you to a duel!"
They would have a gun fight
after that,
somebody had to go!
I just was bugging out.
Anyway,
I waited for about
five minutes,
something like that.
That's right, bitch.
That's right, bitch,
heh, heh, heh
ahh, Darkness!
'Sup, man?
Darkness!
Check it out,
check it out.
I wanna tell you
somethin', come here.
Oh, what's goin' on?
Ow!
I slapped
the shit out of him.
God damn!
I came down on it,
like this.
His extensions was flyin'
all over the place.
That is absurd!
And he stepped back and
his eyes welled up with water
like he was getting ready
to cry, and he said
why you hit me
like that, Charlie?!
'Cause you hit me, man!
That was weeks ago,
motherfucker
I was partying!
No, that was tonight!
And I see that
he really forgot.
I hit you tonight?
Cocaine's
a hell of a drug.
I'm sorry, Charlie.
Come here,
Darkness.
Ha!
Heh, heh, heh
it's a celebration!
Bitches
come here.
It's a celebration,
bitches.
Show Charlie Murphy
your titties.
I'm Rick James.
The milk's
gone bad!
That was
the ebb and flow.
It was, you know,
he would go over the top
and then I would check him.
And then we would have fun
after that.
We were still friends,
as a matter of fact.
I love Charlie Murphy.
But we'd have it out, smacking
each other upside the heads
smacking each other
in the face
punching each other
in the chest
kick each other.
(slow motion)
Fuck yo' couch, nigga!
Fuck yo' couch!
Ow!
They shoulda never
gave you niggas money!
Can you imagine
two grown men doing this?
Cocaine's a hell of a drug.
(chuckling)
I must be losing my mind.
Reminiscing about
Charlie Murphy
come kicking my ass.
Ain't that a "B?"
I'm Rick James, bitch.
(cheers & applause)
I would like to
thank Charlie Murphy.
And I would like to thank
Rick James,
and I would like
to thank cocaine
for bringing us
such a crazy story.
I'm Dave Chappelle,
you're the best audience
in the world.
I'm out!
(cheers & applause)
They shoulda never
gave you niggas money!
(horn honks)
Hi,
thank you.
(man) How did Rick James
pick up a girl in the '80s?
How did I pick up girls
in the '80s?
I ain't have to say much.
Charlie had to go through
this whole thing.
"Uh, can
I buy you a drink.
"Uh
"what sign are you.
"This is my friend,
Rick James.
We're goin' over to
Rick James's house."
That's how Charlie picked up
girls after they was drinking.
"We're goin' over to
Rick's house after the club,
you wanna come?"
(chuckling)
Charlie used my name
to pick up girls.