Chelmsford 123 (1988) s02e04 Episode Script

(Squeaking) It's very quiet tonight.
- Too quiet.
- Eh? I don't like it.
It's too quiet.
- It's the lull before - Don't say it! What's wrong? I was only going to say it's the Shut up! Don't say it, it's bad luck.
There's an old Celtic superstition which says that if you say if you use that expression, then surely something terrible will happen.
What, lull before the storm? MAN: Badvoc! Ah, there you are, Badvoc, you hairy bum-faced toad! - Thank you, Blag.
- Ey up, Badvoc! It's me! It's your old friend Morli of the Iken come to pay you a visit.
(Laughs) How the bleeding hell are you, you festered old bag of cow crap? Here, may the gods visit a virulent pig pox on your stinking scabby cabbage head, eh? - (Laughs) - Just a social call, is it, Morli? Ey up, Badvoc, aren't you going to introduce me? Who are these sub humans? - They call me Mungo the Shrugger.
- Why's that? And this is Blag.
How very interesting.
We don't have any hills where I come from.
So what are you doing here dressed like an emperor's tart? (Laughs) Well, you see, Badvoc.
- I am now a member of the Roman nobility.
- You what? - Well, you remember my sister Pergola? - Oh yeah.
She rather cleverly got herself married to a Roman praetor, which made me very, very rich.
Here, have this bag of money and go and buy yourself a new cesspit to live in.
I don't live here.
I come to have a drink and play dice with the boys.
I live in that flash villa in the middle of the square.
- Really? - I thought that villa was Aulus's Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ooh! - What did he say? - It's an old Chelmsford folk song.
Blag's entered a singing competition.
He's practising.
I can't hang about here.
I can't be seen hanging about with scum like you.
I tell you what, why don't you pop over to my place sometime and have a dip in my solid gold heated pool? - See you, lads.
- Cheers then.
Mind how you go.
Keep in touch.
I don't believe it! Morli! Just cos his sister is being personally invaded by Romans.
My sister can marry the governor Aulus Paulinus tomorrow.
Here, I've just had a brilliant idea.
My sister marries Aulus, I get rich quick.
What do you think, Mungo? Breathtakingly simple.
One quibble.
- What? - You haven't got a sister.
That is a very negative attitude to take, Mungo.
I can get a sister.
Here, I got a sister.
Yeah With all due respect, Blag, I can't really see Aulus falling in love with your sister.
Nature hasn't been kind to her, has she? Nah, I got all the looks and brains in my family.
Ah, Grasientus, spring, my favourite time of year.
A time of rebirth.
I want to frolic in forest glades.
I want to bathe naked in crystal pools.
I want to sing with the skylark as she soars on high.
But most of all - You want a quick - Exactly.
It's been a year now.
A year of involuntary celibacy.
I'm about as horny as a rhinoceros and a unicorn in a "Who's got the biggest horn?" competition.
You're not exactly spoiled for choice round here, are you? The British girls are either ugly, ugly or ugly.
They don't have to be British.
I'm mad with lust.
She could be Greek, Syrian, Spanish.
- Belgian.
- I'm not that mad.
Anyway, Grasientus, don't you feel spring coursing through your veins? Don't you get the odd bout of tentpole toga? Happily I am not a slave to that part of my anatomy, Aulus.
Just as well because you are, with all due respect, an ugly bastard.
Yes, all right, I know that I'm a worthless unlovable wretch.
No woman could ever love me.
I'm boring, ill tempered, malodorous and totally without any merit.
(Sobs) What's the point? (Cries) Grasientus, I've been thinking about what you were saying in there.
Yes.
About you being worthless and boring and all that stuff.
- Well? - Well! You left out repellent.
(Cries) Right, now, the idea is you're my sister, you're attractive, sexy, and you're going to seduce the Roman governor.
- In your own time.
- Hello, Roman.
Fancy a good time? Yeah, I think we've seen enough, dear.
Thanks.
- Have I got the job? - We'll let you know.
Here, I'm very good in the sack.
I'm sure you are, yeah.
Blag, go and put her in a sack.
So that one's a no, then, is it? Listen, you do understand the point of this little exercise? Yeah.
You want to find a girl so Aulus can fall in love with her and marry her.
Precisely.
The key words are "so Aulus can fall in love with her and marry her".
I can't see Aulus falling in love with any of the women so far.
We've had a bald hag with no teeth, a hairy hag with lots of teeth, and a normal hag with hairy teeth.
- Quite a snappy dresser.
- Yeah, green is my favourite colour.
Not for skin.
Next! MUNGO: This is the last one.
This is the one, Mungo, this is the one.
Do sit down, dear.
That's right, yeah.
Thanks for popping in.
Now, what's your name, love? Enya, and don't call me love.
Right, has anyone explained why you're here? Someone said it was to do with pulling a fast one on the Roman governor.
Indeed it is, my dear, indeed it is.
Good.
Cos I hate him.
I hate all Romans.
You wouldn't get me within 100 miles of a Roman.
Unless it was to castrate him with a very blunt and rusty knife.
Good.
Good cos in many ways this job does entail castrating the Roman governor with a blunt and rusty knife.
Great! Er But we thought we'd lure him into a false sense of security.
How do you mean? Well, I don't know.
Ooh, supposing you were to marry him.
Er Live with him, be the loyal little wifey.
You know, have his kids.
Perhaps even go back to Rome with him.
And then, when the time is right, say in about 30 or 40 years, you whip out the carving knife and Bob's your auntie.
No.
- A thousand pieces of silver.
- I'll do it.
Excellent.
Always nice to work with someone who's politically committed.
What are you doing? Making a cheese and onion soufflé.
- What do you think? I'm hanging myself.
- Why? I It's all too much.
I feel so desperate.
Lonely.
Totally useless.
I just want to die.
Please just let me die.
If you feel that desperate, why don't you talk to someone? I I can't.
I just can't talk to anyone.
That's part of the problem.
I've always been afraid to communicate.
To get close to people.
So I built up this wall around me.
And now I'm trapped, a prisoner inside this hideous shell.
- You know what you should do? - What? Hang yourself.
(Both laugh) You know, I never thought I'd find myself laughing with a British serving girl.
And I never thought I'd find myself laughing with a Roman.
Suddenly this all seems so silly.
I'll get some wine.
What a charming girl.
But for her I could be hanging here as dead as a Argh! Grasientus! These reports from Caledonia, Grasientus.
- What do you think? - Argh! Well, that's very easy for you to say but I mean what about the long term? - Help! - Help is what we need but I don't know.
Oh, my God, this is awful! - Oh, tell me about it.
It's tragic.
- No, look, it's him, he's dying! - Good heavens! Hello! - Help me get him down! - Who are you? - I'm Enya, the new serving girl.
I'm Aulus, the governor.
- No! - Guards! Can you cut this down, please? It's wasting good rope.
- How could you be so heartless? - It's a gift.
Right, take him away.
- You poor thing, are you all right? - (Croaks) He says that to all the girls.
So, you're the new serving girl, are you? - Yes.
- Hmm.
Sorry, I always get a bit tongue-tied when I'm in the presence of a very pretty girl.
I I just always seem to end up saying the wrong thing.
(Laughs) Really? Fancy a quick poke? Oh, there I go again! Your sister? That's incredible.
I've fallen in love with a blood relative of yours.
I know, it's amazing.
A charming, beautiful, gentle creature like her related to a clumsy, uncouth, foul-smelling oaf like you.
Yeah.
- An angel related to a hog-like buffoon.
- Yeah.
- A goddess - Yeah, all right.
I get the point.
Strange as it may seem, Badvoc, I am smitten.
Don't be ridiculous, Aulus! Next you'll be saying you want to marry her.
- It's crossed my mind.
- Oh, come off it! Do you realise the implications of that? You and me would be related.
Isn't that what Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ooh! - What did he say? ?? Isn't that what you ow ow ow! It's an old folk song.
Blag's entered this singing competition.
Think about it.
How would it look if we were related? Me a lowly tribe leader related to you a top Roman.
Even that wouldn't bother me so long as I had Enya.
Well, we'd need some sort of official contract.
- Yes, whatever.
- Some legally binding document.
Some Oh, look, there's one.
Sign along the dotted line, Aulus, that's lovely.
Yes, that's it.
As far as I'm concerned the marriage can go ahead.
You don't seem to understand.
I love her, she hates me.
- Eh? - She hates me! - What's the silly cow playing at? - Would it help if I slit her throat? I don't think it would, Mungo.
Aulus, you say she hates you.
- I'll have her thrown out of the villa.
- No, wait.
I see what she's playing at.
It's classic, this.
It's classic.
She just can't cope with the overwhelming feeling she has for you.
If you like, she's frightened by what she feels for you.
- Which is hate.
- Hate, love, love, hate, In many ways it's the same emotion.
I always like to think of love and hate as opposite sides of the same emotional coin.
I mean, take Blag here.
Often I think I hate him.
But I know deep down I love him.
- I think it's the same - Do you really love me, Badvoc? - Yeah.
- I mean, it's not just my body, is it? - No.
- Cos I got a mind too, you know.
I'm trying to make a point.
Trying to illustrate something.
I don't object to the physical side of a relationship Blag! Folk song rehearsal time.
Ow ow ow! You've got something with this love hate business.
Does he stand a chance in the competition? Well, it's better than the German entry.
- Enya - (Tuts) Enya, I've got something to say to you.
Something about Iove.
Oh, yeah? What do you know about love? Ah! More than you think.
I know, for example, it's a very intense emotion.
- Go on.
- Hmm! And love and hate are opposite sides of the same emotional coin.
- You could be right.
- Mm.
I believe, Enya, that you are in love but it's so difficult to express it because it's so intense.
Yeah! It is! I'm a man of the world, Enya, I know about these things.
This man you're in love with.
He's a He's a Roman, isn't he? - Might be! - (Laughs) He's a pretty important man here in Chelmsford, right? - He is, yeah.
- Oh, Enya! Wouldn't it be better if you just looked him in the eyes and told him that you loved him? Now, what would you like to say to him? I love you, Grasientus.
And I love you too, Enya.
Oh, tomorrow we shall be married in the spring meadows.
And the birds Who? Who? - Grasientus! - Grasientus? Badvoc, didn't you want her to fall in love with Ow ow ow! Blag, will you practise that folk song somewhere else.
Boy, rehearse, rehears, rehearse.
If I may say so, Aulus, I think you're being naive in your dealings with the psychology of the opposite sex.
- What do you mean? - Who do you hate most in the world? - Grasientus.
- Exactly.
She claims to love the person you most detest in the whole world.
To inflame your ardour.
Ah, so you mean she's not in love with him but just says she is to make me jealous? Exactly.
I mean, have you seen any manifestations of this so-called young love? Have you seen them holding hands, whispering sweet nothings, swapping love letters? - No! - Smearing horse excrement on each other.
No.
You've witnessed none of the normal signs of affection.
Mungo, one day they'll have a fancy name for your illness.
No, I think he has a point.
I've never actually seen them together.
What a clever girl.
To think of it! She's made me feel insanely jealous of Grasientus of all people.
- Wait till I see her.
- That's the spirit, Aulus.
(Laughs) Come on, we deserve a celebratory drink.
Down the boozer.
- Good thinking.
- Why don't we go to the theatre instead? Don't be stupid! If you really loved me you'd do something I want to do for a change.
Enya, you've won your little game.
And now you can openly say that you love me and there's nothing between you and that contemptible wimp Grasientus.
That's no good.
Erm There's nothing between you and that apology for a man Grasientus.
That's much better.
Right, here goes.
Enya, I That poor girl.
The things she'll put herself through to make me feel jealous.
I can't stand it any longer.
Grasientus has become unbearable.
Something must be done.
GRASIENTUS: Hi, gang! Agh! Taking a lot out of me, all this exercise.
Case of too much bed and not enough sleep, eh? (Laughs) Hey, what's wrong with you guys? Hey, cheer up! What you need is to get yourself fixed up with a nice girl.
Or maybe a not so nice girl, if you know what I mean.
(Laughs) Anyway, guys, my groin has got an appointment with paradise.
Whoa! See you around.
That was disgusting.
Look, we must do something.
- I've just had an idea.
- What? It's a long shot but it might just work.
You get an enclosed metal container, fill it with water and heat it to make steam.
The steam goes down a pipe and forces a piston attached to a system of levers to a wheel, right? So that eventually you could propel carriages without the use of horses.
Thanks, Blag! I think we've got more important things to worry about.
Horseless carriage?! Just a thought.
BADVOC: Aulus, you are the governor.
You must tell poor Enya the truth about that snake Grasientus.
No, Badvoc, I could not bring myself to hurt that young girl.
She must never know the truth about him.
What, you mean that he already has a wife? - Yes.
- And 300 children.
- Hungry.
- Oh.
Yes, 300 hungry children.
Three hungry children! But Badvoc, this news will break her heart.
That's my line.
But Badvoc, this news will break her heart.
Aulus, that is your trouble.
You are too soft hearted.
Why Enya has not fallen for you instead the gods alone know.
Look at you.
You are kind, intelligent, caring, sensitive, kind to animals and very good in bed? That's very, very kind of you to say so.
But she must never find out about his other women in Chelmsford.
- What? Here in Chelmsford? - Yes.
Does fat Enid ring a bell? - She has to cos of the leprosy.
- Just Not fat Enid? Yes, and a host of others.
- Went like a dream, Aulus.
- I thought you were very good.
Well, if our little plan has worked the path should now be clear.
- He's coming.
- How does he look? Like someone who's been forced at knifepoint to watch his puppy be skewered on the end of a red-hot poker.
Sorry about your puppy.
What? - Something wrong, Grasientus? - It's Enya.
She's left me.
ALL: Oh no! - Look.
I'll have a private word with her.
- She's left Chelmsford.
- Well What? - She wrote me this letter.
Let me read it.
"Dear Grasientus, I'm sorry to tell you but you and I are finished.
It would never have worked out between us.
First of all I'm not Badvoc's real sister.
It was just a rouse so Badvoc could get rich quick.
" - The woman's obviously mad.
- "No, I am not mad, Badvoc.
I must say that I feel sorry for you, my dear Grasientus, and I feel sorry too for Badvoc for he is an incompetent oaf.
And I also feel sorry for Aulus because he is a s Blah blah blah.
Love Enya.
P.
S.
Thank you for that night of passion.
I've never made love eight times in one night before.
P.
P.
S.
Tell Aulus and Badvoc their pathetic trick to put me off you didn't work.
" Well, we must be off, Aulus.
So she wasn't your real sister, Badvoc.
I know! I'm as shocked as you are, Aulus.
I mean, she's been lying to me all these years.
Me, her own brother.
Shock's going to kill her mother.
We must listen to Blag rehearse his folk song.
But I don't know any Ow! Ow! Ow! If that boy doesn't win - Well, she was a wonderful girl.
- Yes, she was.
To think I was on the point of hanging myself and then she came along and transported me into erotic ecstasy.
- Eight times in one night.
- Yes, all right.
Eight times I enjoyed her soft, yielding body.
You're going to keep going, aren't you? At the height of her passion she would cry out, "Take me, Grasientus, take me.
" And then she would moan softly like a young fawn as I kissed her exquisite breasts.
- And her long, lissom legs - Grasientus, do me a favour, will you? What? Kick this stool away.