Chicago Party Aunt (2021) s02e04 Episode Script

1
Stee-rike!
Hey, ump! What kind of call was that,
you turkey-looking motherfu?
He can't even hear you!
You're right.
Hey, ump! Do you have
actual shit in your eyes, ass-face?!
Why don't you shut up, lady?!
You're lucky I can't afford
seats in the stadium
or you'd be fishing this megaphone
out of your ass!
I think that kid can hear you.
I was talking to the kid.
Ooh! It's from Stewart.
We're going out tomorrow night.
I've never seen you this excited
about a date.
Yeah, I'm just not used to guys
texting me weird stuff
like "hello" and "how are you?"
Batting next for the Cubs,
number 16, Jason Jurado.
Oh my God. That's our neighbor!
I can't believe we're friends with a Cub!
Well, you aren't really friends with him.
You just met him once.
I'm like HPV.
One time and we're together forever.
By the way, I read that
Jason plays for your team.
I wonder if he's a pitcher
or a catcher, wink, wink.
You don't need to say, "Wink, wink"
when you're actually winking.
Was I winking?
Ugh, I gotta see a doctor.
Well all I'm saying is,
you should try to date him.
I mean, he could get us box seats.
"Box."
I'm not going to date someone
just so you can get seats at a Cubs game.
Also, that's such a simplistic,
heteronormative point of view.
Just because we're both gay
doesn't mean we're compatible.
We can't ever let my aunt know about us.
You don't want her to know you're gay?
No, I don't want her to know
I'm dating a Chicago Cub.
Thanks for glamming me up
for the big date tonight, gals.
Damn! You got some hungry-ass hair.
Just eating all the product.
Oh, 'stache is thick like borscht.
You should see the hair on my a
Stewart!
Hello, everyone.
What are you doing here?
I just popped in to see
if you have any food allergies
before I plan the menu for tonight.
Ha!
This one never met a layer
of the food pyramid she didn't like.
All right, Gideon,
ease up on the cock-block.
Anyway, what he said.
Perfect. So, I'll see you
when I pick you up tonight at 6:30.
Nice to see you all.
Food allergies?
Those aren't real.
What the hell was that about?
He is making nice gesture, like, uh
giving you last bite of onion.
Or holding the door open for you.
You're just not used
to a nice guy like Stewart.
I mean, you dated a dude for a month
who called you Denise.
That was an honest mistake.
Denise was his wife's name.
Oh my God, who is that hottie?
Gideon, check it out!
Did you know you had a model
working for you?
You are neither a model
nor are you working.
Told you! It does what it wants.
And then it dawned on me.
I was actually
giving more than I was getting
and that's when I realized
I needed a new therapist.
What about you?
Well, I've been to a physical therapist,
but we mostly talked about my hamstring.
I get it, pretty juicy topic.
Hey, you better watch it.
Because I'm feeling wild today!
Here. There's some
awesome street art I wanted to show you.
Notice the use of shading around
the wiener on Chris Pine's forehead.
You really wanted to show me this?
Okay, look. I pulled you in here
because I saw my aunt.
I don't get what the big deal is.
Everyone thinks their own family is crazy.
My uncle Gary sleeps standing up.
It's chilling.
If my aunt found out
I'm dating a Chicago Cub,
she'd never leave us alone.
And if anyone is going to ruin
my first real relationship,
it's going to be me
and my crippling anxiety.
Ooh, you admit it.
This is a real relationship.
Shut up!
Look, I like you and whatever
comes along with that, I'm fine with.
Now, can we please get out of here?
Yeah, I think that rat over there
is smoking.
Phew!
Who knew there were so many steps
involved in making a baby?
Yeah, with Daniel, all it took
was a six-pack of wine coolers
and David Copperfield
at the United Center.
Oh my God!
Mark, I'm the one who should be scared.
It's going into my body.
Sorry. I'm terrified of needles.
You can take the boy
out of Christian Science
Let's not worry about the needle
until we have to use it.
You're right, which is hmm, 11:00 p.m.,
the night before our next
hormone check at the clinic.
In the meantime, we'll focus on
getting our bodies healthy to make a baby.
Speak of the devil.
You're due for a teste massage.
The doctor said it could help
with your short-tailed sperm.
I'm on it.
Testicles only! No shaft.
Oh, hello, Stewart.
Diane, you you you look beautiful.
Thank you. You clean up nice too.
I got these for you.
For me?
Nobody's ever bought me flowers.
Except when I faked my own death
to get out of traffic school.
You're a regular
Huckleberry Finn.
That used to be my nickname!
Wait. No, it was Dingleberry Skank.
Anyhoo, what's on tap for tonight?
Stewart, this is amazing!
I've never been on a boat
that hadn't just rescued me.
Yeah, the lake has always been my escape.
I worked hard, lived modestly,
and saved enough to buy myself
this little slice of heaven.
You're telling me that you set aside
a portion of your paycheck every week
and after a period of time,
you had enough money to buy this?
Yeah, it's called savings.
Wow!
So money is cumulative.
Yes. Yes, it is.
Okay. So today is one of
only two days of the year
that the sun sets directly between
the Sears Tower and the Hancock Building.
And you thought to show it to me?
Ah.
Cleanup in aisle "my pants."
Here, take a look.
Holy mostaccioli!
I look incredible!
Eat your heart out, Shannon Tweed!
I had a great time tonight.
Would you mind if I?
You can literally do
anything you want with me.
Even back there.
Yeah. I was just gonna
ask if I could kiss you.
Aah! Yeah, bring it in.
Mm.
Um, I really hope
we can do this again sometime.
Good night, Diane.
Eh
Eh
Diane! Diane? Hello?
You haven't said a word all morning.
How was the date with Nice Guy Stewart?
It was great.
We had a lovely time
and he treated me with, eh
What's the word?
Flea medication?
"Respect."
He treated you with respect, Diane.
He made me feel like I was
the only other person in the world,
but here's the crazy part.
We did not ball. No sex.
And it's not because it doesn't work.
Trust me. That's the first thing I asked.
You know that most people don't have sex
with someone they barely know, right?
Tina, you've been watching too many
of those Hallmark card movies.
But seriously, I'm worried, gals.
Stewart's got me on cloud nine,
but I'm scared I'll mess it up.
What do I do?
Okay, here's the problem, Diane.
Stewart is a normie.
And you?
You is a damn freak.
Only in the sheets.
Well, and in the streets.
You have to show Stewart
that you can operate on his level.
Like, what would you normally text a guy
the morning after you went out?
"My dog just shit out your condom."
Diane, take your break.
It's funny 'cause she doesn't have a dog.
I can do normal.
Like, right now. I'm just a normal lady,
entering her very normal apartment.
Whoa!
- Holy Harry Caray's ghost!
- Good Lord!
Daniel! There is a naked Cub in our house!
Aah!
Aunt Diane, wake up.
I had the craziest dream.
I walked in on you
and that new shortstop for the Cubs.
- Hi, Diane.
- Aah!
Hey, stop fainting.
Jason Jurado!
Long time no see, pal.
Been watching you and I think
we can get your batting average up
if you just lift your elbow a little.
She's just joking.
Like hell I am!
The only time he's gotten past second base
was a few minutes ago on this couch.
As much as I'd love to continue
this waking nightmare,
Jason has to get going.
I do.
But hey, we're playing St. Louis Friday
if you guys want to come.
You can have my friends and family seats.
- Shit yeah!
- We'll see.
It was great seeing you again.
Daniel, this is fantastic for us!
Friends and family seats.
Ah, why didn't you tell me?!
Because you have zero chill.
And I shudder to think what you'll be like
within spitting distance
of the opposing team.
Spitting on the opposing team
was the old me.
I am a normie now.
I went on a date last night
and didn't have sex
unlike some people. Wink, wink.
Okay, that's a wrap on the winking.
You really think you could go
to the game and not be crazy?
Scout's honor.
Ugh!
O.J. tastes like shit without vodka.
- Come on, Cubbies!
- hot dog!
Friends and family receive unlimited
complimentary food and beverages.
- What can I get you?
- "Unlimited"?
Shit, I'm gonna need a minute.
You guys go ahead.
I'm good for now.
I'll just have a Diet Coke
and I'm feeling wild.
What about a small popcorn too?
Wow! What a normal order.
I will have that as well.
Whoo!
Cubbies!
Hey, lady! Move your big ass!
We can't see the game!
Listen here, you!
Remember, you're normal now.
I apologize if my ample backside
limited your view.
Good luck to you, the Cardinals,
and the great city of St. Louis.
Way to take the high road.
You know what? He should be honored
to get a view of that ample backside.
Batting next for the Cubs,
Number 16, Jason Jurado!
Come on, Jason! You can do this.
Whatever it is you have to do.
Elbow up, Jason! Elbow up!
- Last call for beer!
- Stee-rike!
You want to take this tray
off my hands, lady?
Oh, come on, you think we could finish
What is that? One, two, three
- Strike two!
- Nine frosty beers?
Go scratch.
Oh, we'll take them.
Would you like to see my place?
Daniel's out with Jason, so
we can be as loud as we want.
It sounds very tempting,
but I wouldn't want to ruin this
by rushing into things.
Anticipation makes it
so much better.
Huh. I've never thought of it like that.
So, it's like when you don't eat all day
and then devour a deep-dish pizza,
couple of char dogs,
a gyro and a full bread bowl.
Exactly.
See you soon, Diane.
Sweet shit, that was hot.
Should we schedule
your next appointment, sweetie?
With your texture and style, I'd recommend
no less than six weeks between cuts.
Sure. That sounds perfect.
Great. I'll pencil you in, and thank you
for being part of the Borough experience.
What?
That interaction was very normal.
And you did it all without even taking
one of your "union smoke breaks."
And at no point did you put your breasts
on the customer's head and say,
"If you don't like the cut,
you can always wear this hat."
It was easy.
I just fought
every natural instinct I had.
Speaking of, how long is normal
to wait to bone?
Because we haven't even come close.
No 69, no blowies. No fingers
We all know the sex things.
I don't know if I can keep waiting.
I almost exploded at the Cubs game.
Baseball make you
horny like goat.
You need a less stimulating surrounding.
You know, keep it boring,
like a library or a nursing home.
I've banged in both those places.
What is the lamest, least sexy thing
you can think of?
Do that.
Oh, that's a no-brainer.
Belly dancing circulates
the blood to the ovaries.
So, go ahead and shake it, baby.
But never shake your baby.
I'm having a hard time
with these oysters.
I struggle with viscous textures.
Hello?
Bon? Cancel your plans for tonight.
Because you're coming to dinner
with me and my new beau.
I don't know. We're doing a special diet
to keep Mark's testosterone up.
You know what?
It might be nice to get out of the house.
I think I swallowed a pearl!
I'm so proud of you, Jason.
Having your photo hung up
at the Cubby Bear
is a sacred Cubs tradition.
Thank you. Why don't you swing by
when you're done with dinner?
Thanks, but Stewart
and I'll probably rush home
to watch the new episode of Love is Quiet.
You know, just a boring night.
Oh, that reminds me.
Daniel, do you have a blazer I could wear?
Um
I think my Confirmation suit
is in my closet.
Perfect. Have fun, boys.
I don't usually share clothes
with my aunt.
Okay, I borrowed
a spaghetti strap tank top.
Once.
These male fertility pants are
really letting my boys breathe.
Over here!
Hey, I'm Mark. This is Bonnie.
You must be Stewart.
Pleasure to meet you, Maaark
Hi, Bonnie.
Hi, Stewart.
Diane, you look nice.
Where'd you get that blazer?
Pretty sharp, right?
Remember, no crossies.
So, Stewart, how did you two meet?
Well, uh, my office is a few doors down
from Diane's salon.
And one day, I
Oops. I'm sorry.
I just have to take
my temperature real quick
and jot it down in my fertility log.
I just said "log" and you didn't
make a poop joke. Are you okay?
Bonnie! Let's not talk about feces
at the dinner table.
Sorry, Stewart.
Good evening, folks.
Can I get you started with a drink?
Just sparkling water for us.
Lemon on the side, no seeds if possible.
Ooh, that actually sounds good.
Make it two, please.
I'm okay for now.
I'll wait and order a wine with dinner.
You're not drinking before dinner?
I want to pair my wine with my entrée.
What if I order a red and then get fish?
Ha! Can you imagine?
Oh, yeah. I hate when that happens.
And the omega-threes help
with the motility of the sperm,
which is very different
than the mobility of the sperm.
So, when that's done
Wow, this is just fascinating.
Diane, would you mind
showing me where the restroom is?
Sure. I can stand to
visit the ladies' myself.
one that I didn't like at first
So, I'll meet you back
at the table in five,
or is this more of a ten-minute situation?
Actually, to be honest, I just wanted
to have a moment with you.
Really?
Diane, your sister and Mark
are really nice,
but they are the most boring people
I've ever met in my entire life.
And I'm a patent lawyer.
Oh my God, I know! Aren't they the worst?
Whoa. Wait. If you think so too,
why did you want us to go
to dinner with them?
Because they're normal.
And I thought if you met them,
you'd think I was normal too.
So, you did all this to impress me?
Yep. I think I really like you.
You didn't have to do all that.
I really like you, Diane.
And I was hoping tonight after dinner,
we could take this to the next level.
I don't think I can wait any longer.
- You mean?
- We're banging in that bathroom.
Whoop!
I gotta say, I really like Stewart.
He seems good for Diane.
This is the most adult I've ever seen her.
Toot-toot! Party train coming through!
- Who wants shots?
- Yes!
Hey, sweetie! Grab another pitcher
of Long Island stat!
Heck to the yeah, I've always wanted
to try a naughty iced tea.
And a round of cannolis for the table!
Cannoli? We haven't even eaten dinner yet.
Why wait when you can
just jump to the good part?
Right, Stewart?
Oh, I hear that!
What happened in that bathroom?
Aah!
Oh, yeah! Feels like
goddamn heaven in my mouth!
- Nam!
- Mm!
- Feels good to let go!
- Can I get you anything else?
No, let's bail on this dump
and head over to Cubby Bear.
Daniel's there
with his new Cubs player boyfriend.
- What?
- Yeah, come on!
- We're out of here.
- Maybe we should head home.
It's time to take your shot.
Daniel has a new boyfriend
and Diane knew about it before me?
Screw that!
- A cover charge?
- Sorry, lady.
Eat my ass!
The guest of honor
is my future nephew-in-law.
- Jason! Tell this jag we're VIP!
- Mm! Mm!
You could let her in, or we could
get up and sneak out the back door.
It's fine.
- Hey, she's with me!
- Mm!
There's my boys. How about some shots?
First round is on
Stewart.
- Come on, Stew.
- Yes! More Long Island iced teas!
- Mom?!
- Move it!
Dad!
Uh, this is Jason.
I'm Mark, aka, the Dad.
Hello!
You mind if I saddle up next to you?
Pleasure to meet you.
Daniel's told me so many great things
about you guys.
And we've heard some good things
about you from Diane.
Well, the important thing is
you're meeting right now
in the most awkward and unplanned way.
Whew! Gotta get my heart rate up.
Found out I have a cold uterus.
Oh, wow. That's really
Mark! It's time for your scrotum massage.
No resty for the teste.
So, Jason. Shortstop, huh?
Dad. I can't even begin to comprehend
what you're doing right now.
Ch-ch! Jell-O shots coming through!
Mark and I aren't drinking.
But we can toast
with our fish oil supplements.
To finally having some fun tonight!
I will drink to that!
Me too.
- Whoop!
- Damn it!
- Ah! The hormone shot!
- Move your foot!
Please excuse us.
- Oh, no, no, no!
- Where is it?
I guess this whole time,
I should have been worried
about my parents instead of my aunt.
By the way, if you ever want
to start juicing, I got a hookup.
JK! They're all crazy.
Okay, party people!
Who's ready to ride the Bear?
You gotta do it!
You can't be a Cub
until you ride the Bear!
No! Diane! He can't.
Daniel! Don't worry about it.
Whoa!
Guest of honor, coming through!
Hold on tight!
Jason, be careful!
Oh! Look at those muscles.
Shoot, where'd it go?
Wow, that is a big bear.
What the? I don't think
this was built for two people!
You should probably get off!
Oh, believe me, sweetie, I am!
Bonnie! I found it!
No, seriously, I'm losing my grip!
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!
Ugh!
Whoa!
I believe you dropped this, milady.
Whoa!
Oh, no!
Oof!
Jason, again, I am so, so sorry.
That makes me feel
so, so much better.
J-Money, you're gonna love Florida.
I'll hit you up
when I'm in the Panhan Oh!
This is all your fault!
See why I didn't want you involved?
He didn't get traded to Tampa Bay
because he got his teeth knocked out,
he got traded because he was batting 185.
I told you to keep your elbow up!
Don't worry. Daniel.
I'm sure you'll meet another
young, gay, gorgeous, professional athlete
who also happens to live on our block.
I am not speaking to you.
Okay, fine.
Chris Pine is the hottest Chris.
No way. It's Hemsworth.
Damn it! Starting now.
Well, well, well. Look who's
finally recovered from our wild night.
Oh, it was a wild night, all right.
You're about to break up with me,
aren't you?
Diane, look, you are an
No, you don't have to do this, sweetie.
I get it. I'm a wild stallion.
You can grope me, but you can't rope me.
Oh, I know. But when we were
at the Cubby Bear, you were glowing.
That's the Diane the world deserves.
And that's what they're gonna get.
The law office is two doors down
if you ever need me.
Oh, I am for sure coming to you
next time I get arrested for weed.
Weed is legal now.
Not the kind I'm smoking, baby!
Wink, wink.
Ah, I gotta get that looked at.
Poor little leaf.
Oh my Go Mark, how are you still crying?
The shot has worn off by now.
I know. I think this is just me.