Clone High (2023) s02e04 Episode Script

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
NARRATOR: Previously
on a very special Clone High.
It's no secret JFK found God.
It was a secret that Harriet
and Toussaint had eye sex,
until Confucius found out.
Harriet and Joan's friendship
is still a secret.
So please don't tell anyone,
'cause it could get traced
back to me and I'd lose my job.
And you'd have to live
with knowing you're the reason
I moved back in with my mom
and her boyfriend, Chip,
-who's younger than me.
-(RETCHES)
(MOODY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(CLONES LAUGHING)
(SIGHS) Hacky sack. What a game.
Got an extra pair
of feet right here if you need.
Go away, Joan! This is the only
break we get all day
and we're not wasting it on you.
-(CROWD LAUGHING, GRUNTING)
-(PHONE PINGS)
Go on now! Git! Away from here!
Away now!
(GROANS)
(MOODY MUSIC CONCLUDING) ♪
(CROWD CHEERING)
(SIGHS) Hi, only friends
I have in the world.
Joan! There you are.
We need you.
Well, at least someone does.
We're replacing
the school's spaghetti
-with venomous snakes.
-(SNAKE HISSES)
Uh-huh. Come on, help us pour
marinara sauce on these guys!
(GASPS) Don't worry,
they're not (GIBBERISH)
Quick, Ivan,
suck out the poison!
Okay. (SLURPS)
(THUDS)
(GROANS)
All right, Scudworth. I'll be
out doing errands all day.
(GROANS)
Traffic's gonna be hell.
It's Burrito Emporium's
annual free burrito day.
Oh, is it?
I didn't know about that.
Did you know about that, Mr. B?
About Burrito Emporium's
annual free burrito day?
Obviously not.
I'll be back around three.
I trust you two can hold down
the fort while I'm gone?
-Absolutely. We've got this.
-You can count on us.
-We're very reliable.
-Do not worry about us.
-(HEELS CLICKING, DOOR CLOSING)
-She's gone!
PRINCIPAL SCUDWORTH:
Time to blow each other!
Quick, blow yourself! Blow!
MR. B: I'm blowing as hard
as I can.
-I don't have lungs.
-(BLOWS) No excuses!
Commence Operation
Free Burrito Day!
Once our decoys have inflated,
we have roughly five hours
to snag burritos
before Candide returns.
The more burritos
we get for school lunches,
the more money we can siphon
from our food budget
to fund Cloney Island!
-(BLOWS)
-(COUGHS)
Joan! This isn't
what it looks like!
These are sex dolls.
For sex and no other reason.
-(SCREAMING)
-(POPS)
The plan has blown up
in your face.
Maybe we should ask Joan
to be Principal for the Day?
Principal for the Day?
Can I make people
who hate me listen to me?
Are you kidding? That's like the
number one thing principals do.
That and making sex dolls
of ourselves.
Listen, you've got the job!
Joan of Arc, I hereby declare
you Principal for the Day!
Now you'll need
a Vice Principal.
Someone of low status,
a straw man, a flaccid fool
to take the fall.
Mr. B, can you help?
My zipper's stuck.
Luckily, no wiener this time.
Just a bit of sack.
You there, lonely boy
with your fly open!
You shall be Joan's
Vice Principal!
Hmm, I don't think I can work
with Joan. She tried to kill us,
and honestly that kind of
creates some trust issues.
Ultimately, it's about
self-respect--
Oh, my God, I'm Vice Principal!
(CHUCKLES)
Is this some sort of
satin-like vinyl?
It's insanely comfortable,
and so lightweight and shiny!
Sounds like we're good here.
Now, if someone calls, you need
to answer the phone as me.
So I've loaded up a bunch
of my most commonly used phrases
onto this electric piano.
Somebody Scud me! Scud's ahoy!
Scuddy don't play that!
Such clever
and relevant wordplay.
You're in charge
of the students today.
Do with them as you wish,
as long as there are no parties!
That includes house, tea,
garden, cocktail,
gender reveal, block, stag,
political, album release,
Donner, and dinner!
Defy these orders and I will
send you straight to a place
worse than a Disney cruise
with extended family.
(BEEPS)
-Clone Juvie.
-(GASPS)
JOAN OF ARC: Mussolini?
ABE LINCOLN: Stalin?
JOAN: Gaddafi?
And is that Baby Patrick Swayze?
MR. B: It is. He's actually a
delightful clone,
but his dancing is beyond dirty.
Especially for a baby.
The Bleacher Creatures have
nothing on these guys.
Cross me and things could get
much worse for you, Joan.
Got it? Toodles!
Okay, sounds like a piece
of cake.
As long as we don't have
a party.
We are so gonna have a party!
SCUDWORTH:
Whatchu talkin' about, Scuddy?
("CLONE HIGH THEME SONG"
BY ABANDONED POOLS PLAYING) ♪
Way, way back in the 1980s
Secret government employees ♪
Dug up famous guys
And ladies ♪
And made amusing
Genetic copies ♪
Then the clones
As teens were frozen ♪
Thawed out decades later
Why? ♪
Back for reasons
They're not disclosin' ♪
Giving high school
Another try ♪
It's time to watch ♪
Clone High ♪
Energetic and engaging
Clone High ♪
Our angst is entertaining
Clone High ♪
(SONG CONCLUDES) ♪
Hey, bae, how you doing after,
you know, I had optical
intercourse with Toussaint?
-I'm completely fine!
-Oh, thank goodness,
'cause it would kill me
if you were feeling bad.
Toussaint is so not
my type, by the way.
He's, like, super buff
and really masculine.
He's stoic and tough
and strong
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
and I'm not into that at all!
I'm into you!
My sweet, gangly Confucius.
Don't worry.
It will never happen again.
You just totally looked at him!
-(GASPS)
-With your eyes!
Babe, I don't feel a thing
for Toussaint. I promise!
Please tell me you believe me.
You have to!
Okay, I believe you.
I knew we'd get through this.
Okay, I gotta go to history.
But promise me you're fine?
Totally fine.
-HARRIET TUBMAN: Bye, bae!
-Bye!
I. Am. So. Not. Fine!
(GRUNTS)
What's wrong, bud?
Harriet keeps saying
she's not into the whole
"manly Toussaint thing,"
but part of me wonders
if maybe she is. (CRIES)
Well, I'm pretty sure
the Christian thing to do
is cut her eyes out.
Trust me,
I'm a former serial cheater.
Harriet's only gonna cheat
again.
It's like that saying,
"Cheater, cheater,
pumpkin fucker."
She's gonna fuck
a bunch more pumpkins.
And Halloween's coming soon!
No! (SOBBING)
Well, if Frida cheated on me,
I would take her to the dump,
and then dump her.
And then take a dump near her,
just to really get
the point across.
You're wild, boo.
No, you need to man up!
Be like Jesus.
He is ripped.
I'm reading this illustrated
Bible right now.
I mean, check him out.
The guy wore a Speedo
even when he was dying.
You're right.
I need to out-manly Toussaint.
I got a chin.
I can stand up straight.
I can cross my arms
like a real estate agent
on a bus bench advertisement.
I'll show Harriet
that I'm the manliest man!
SCUDWORTH: Attention!
This is definitely
Principal Scudworth!
Party in my pants!
Joan, I'm a little worried
about having a party.
Especially given
Scudworth's "no party" rule.
No, no. This is more
of a small gathering.
Former friends hopefully
becoming friends again.
Okay, as long as it's just
a small gathering.
SCUDWORTH: The following clones
report to the library.
H H Harriet!
-Frida! Confucius!
-(DOG BARKING)
SCUDWORTH: Say what?
JFK. Cleo. Scud it out!
L l l l library.
Say hi to my fat butt. Toodles!
-(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(CROWD LAUGHING)
FRIDA: A smoke machine?
This is legit!
JFK: You know, I shoulda
come to the liberry before!
Finally, something worth
"checking out"!
Principal Scudworth did this?
Maybe I misjudged him.
Surprise! Scudworth had nothing
to do with this.
He made me
Principal for the Day,
and I invited you all here.
So maybe you misjudged me.
You are so not cool, Joan!
The sight of your stupid face
makes me want to vomit enough
vomit to rival Niagara Falls!
I don't mean that. I love you,
you know it, you get it,
we're secret friends. Bye!
Look, what do you say
we hang out and and chill,
you know,
and just let bygones be bygones?
Nice try,
you crafty little bitch.
Gotta respect the effort,
though.
See ya!
Uh
Okay, that's locked
to keep other people out,
not to keep you in.
Everyone here is free to go
-at any time.
-We want to go.
But not yet! Come on, guys!
Joan, locking doors
is in violation
of code 36 dash 11 B
in the Vice Principal Handbook--
-(MUNCHES, GULPS)
-Well, that's just great.
No, no. Trust me, it's gonna be
so much better in here
than out there.
I've got liqueur-filled
chocolates.
-Thank God.
-I knew that would work.
No. They've got a keg.
-(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
-Party!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Okay, now it's fun.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Principal Joan, what do we do?
What do we do?
Grab a leg
-and assist that keg stand.
-What?
JOAN: That's an order,
Vice Principal!
(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪
ABE: Joan,
we've lost all control!
I'm trying to break
the conga line from within
-but it's too powerful!
-(CROWD LAUGHING)
Just go with it, Abe!
Everyone's having a good time,
and it's because of me!
That's all that matters!
Joan, on behalf of the Bleacher
Creatures, I just wanted to say,
-thank you.
-Oh, great!
You guys are here!
We've never been to a party
with the general population
before.
Do you think now's the best time
to test the waters or
Are you kidding?
A fellow Bleacher Creature
is Principal for the Day?
There couldn't be a better time.
I brought snakes!
(GROANS) No, I hate snakes.
Seriously, Joan?
They're not staying, are they?
You know what, guys?
I've actually got something
super cool to show you.
Come with me.
(UPBEAT MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
This, my friends,
is the VIP room.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Seriously? I have never been
in VIP room before.
Yeah, it's super-duper
exclusive.
Only for the best of the best.
So, you know, just stay put.
I'll be back with
the velvet ropes,
the wrist bands,
and the hand stamps.
Sick.
CONFUCIUS: (GROANS)
Crap on a crapper!
Toussaint brought
his pet falcon!
(SCREECHES)
How the hell am I gonna prove
I'm more manly than a dude
with a bird?
You can't beat Toussaint
in a manliness contest.
No, you can win!
It's like David versus Goliath.
Goliath was a giant manly man.
And David was a little boy
in sandals.
But David had a secret weapon,
a slingshot!
He chucked a stone,
and he busted
that giant's skull
wide open. (CHUCKLING)
Hmm, what is my stone?
Let's see here.
A stone comes from a rock,
paper covers rock.
Paper makes cuts.
Cut the cheese.
Cheesy bread.
Bread is made from dough,
doe is a deer, a female deer.
Ray is a drop of golden sun.
Son of a bitch.
Bitches are snitches
who get stitches.
A stitch in time saves nine.
Workin' nine to five.
I never have to work
'cause my parents are rich,
which makes me rich!
That's it. I'll use my money
to make myself more manly!
Worked for Jeff Bezos
and his penis rocket.
It'll work for you!
(HORN HONKING)
Thank you kindly!
You won't be seeing us
again today.
It's one free burrito
per customer,
and we've received our one!
Transaction complete.
We have enough
disguise combinations
to go through the line
a hundred times each.
That's enough for Beep, boop,
boop, beep, boop, boop, boop
-Calculating.
-It's two hundred burritos!
Jesus fuck.
(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(CHUCKLES)
-(CHUCKLES)
Semi-dangerous ♪
C-aaaarrrrrgh-nitas!
Boo-ritos!
We're dangerous ♪
L'chaim starving!
And I say, "What concussions?"
-Baby, roll with it ♪
-Get it on, get it on ♪
Get it on, get it on ♪
We're dangerous ♪
(FUNKY MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
We'll have yours in a moment.
Would you mind standing aside,
so I can help the next customer?
(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT)
Aye, laddie.
This is it, Mr. B! Once we
collect these final burritos,
we'll be back to school
well before Candide comes back--
CANDIDE SAMPSON: Okay, he'll
have the carnie ass-uh-duh.
You want it rare?
-(HISSES)
-Rare.
Oh, no. What's she doing here?
Let's do what these burritos
are gonna do to our bodies.
Runs!
We can't run now!
Every free burrito gets us
closer to our dream
of Cloney Island.
We must trust the disguises.
One last score.
(GASPS) Wait a minute.
Do I know you two?
(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT)
Us? No, sorry, lassie.
I could have sworn
You just resemble two of my most
untrustworthy employees.
(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT)
Oh, nay, lass.
We work at Loch Ness.
And whereabouts in Scotland
is that?
When you leave the airport,
go left.
Around the middle,
don't you know.
That's not far
from the west coast,
which is also the
east coast, to be fair.
Over the hills
and prairie lands, Wesley.
I'll give you a tour sometime.
Let's just see about this.
(KEYPAD BEEPING)
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
-We friggin' nailed it.
-Yay!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Hey, JFK, looking good!
Can't talk, focused on the beat.
Just one question.
Do you think everyone is ready
to forgive me now?
Well, the Lord says forgiveness
is a virtue--
-Ah! I lost the beat!
-(PHONE RINGING)
It's Candide! What do we do?
What do we do?
Quick, come with me.
CANDIDE: Scudworth,
is that you? I need to know
if you're there or not.
SCUDWORTH:
Cinna-baby speaking! Who dis?
CANDIDE: It's me, you idiot!
SCUDWORTH: Totes, McBoats!
You sound weird.
What's going on?
SCUDWORTH: It is I! No way!
Way! You would--
Help-- My-- Party--
Say whaaaat-- Scha-wing--
Smell you later! Baba booey!
(OBJECTS CLATTERING)
-Did we really just do that?
-Situation handled.
Abe, I think we actually have
everything under control--
(LOW GROWLING)
Dammit!
Hey, everyone.
This is my boy, Kevin!
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Is he dangerous?
Maybe a tiny bit more
than a falcon.
-(GRUMBLES)
-(FALCON SCREECHES)
There's nothing
to worry about, though.
I got him perfectly trained.
Um, fetch me a beer, Kevin?
Good bear.
Wow, Confucius,
you seem different.
Like, manlier and edgier and
basically, the complete opposite
of how you normally are.
I like it.
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(ROMANTIC MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
Hey, um, love the bear.
Just wanna make sure
it's not gonna kill everyone?
(SCOFFS) Oh, no.
Kevin's not stepping out of line
on my watch.
Oh, okay, cool.
'Cause I'm taking a pretty big
risk throwing this party,
and adding a bear to that mix
kind of increases that risk.
But, hey, happy to do it
for my friends.
(CHUCKLES)
We are friends again, right?
CLEOPATRA: Not so fast, Joan.
Jesús Cristo wants
to turn the water fountain
into a wine fountain,
but Abe's telling him he can't.
It's fine! Tell him it's fine!
Joan, Jesús said he doesn't know
how to turn it back into water!
What if it stays wine forever?
People like me again, Abe!
-(ABE GRUMBLES)
-It's finally happening!
So please,
please just be cool, okay?
Everything's under control.
(WATER DRIPS)
You know, I'm starting to think
this isn't a VIP room.
-Yeah.
-She ditched us.
We are standing in a closet!
CROWD: Jesús! Jesús!
Jesús! Jesús! Jesús! Jesús!
(SLURPS, SMACKS LIPS)
Full-bodied with notes
of black currant and oak.
-It's cabernet!
-(CROWD CHEERS)
-Woo!
-CLEO: Oh, my God.
I never thought I'd say this,
Joan, but welcome--
-(GASPS)
-(THUDS)
-(CROWD SCREAMING)
-(SNAKES HISSING)
To your worst nightmare!
We're back!
-(SNAKES HISS)
-(CROWD SCREAMING)
(METAL SCRAPING)
That was a close one,
but we got our burritos.
I just hope we have
the freezer space.
MR. B: I'll move Gandhi.
(LIGHT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(MUNCHES)
-(YELPS)
-Gasp!
(GASPS)
-Do you think she bought it?
-Shush.
Okay, I know
we're sneaking around,
but you don't have to shush me.
It is, like, so annoying
to shush a grown person!
-MR. B: Sorry, I was--
-(SHUSHES)
Hmm.
We keep freakin' nailing it!
-(HISSES)
-(CROWD SCREAMING)
(VAN GOGH GROANS)
(SCREAMS)
(CROWD SCREAMING)
Everyone take shelter!
Leave this to me
and Gideon! (GRUNTS)
Oh
No! Leave it to me and Kevin!
(GASPS)
(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Uh-oh.
(ROARS)
Okay, Kevin, easy.
Remember your training--
-(ROARS)
-Kevin!
(CROWD SCREAMING)
Oh, no, what do we do?
Harriet will protect you!
Remain crouched behind her
-as she leads you to safety.
-Oh, come on.
-(CROWD SCREAMING)
-(SNAKES HISSING)
(ROARS)
Wait! We can hide
in the kitchen!
(ROARS)
-(TOUSSAINT GRUNTS)
-(FALCON SCREECHES)
(CROWD SCREAMS)
-(SNAKES HISS)
-(KEVIN ROARS)
(HISSES)
I've never been so embarrassed
in my whole life.
Oh, no, babe, there's no need
to be embarrassed.
I'm hiding in here while my bear
is terrorizing the school,
and a guy you had eye sex with
is out there bravely trying
-to save our lives.
-It's not that brave.
-(FALCON SCREECHES)
-(TOUSSAINT GRUNTS)
Take that, venomous
vipers and you monstrous mammal!
(ROARS)
Halitosis.
-(TOUSSAINT GRUNTS)
-(OBJECTS CLATTER)
TOUSSAINT: Your breath
hits harder than you do!
Be careful, Toussaint!
What? That's what you say.
(ROARS)
What are we gonna do? (GASPS)
That door
won't hold him forever.
The only sensible thing to do
is get more bears
to fight this bear
if things get out of hand.
What? No,
we need to ban all bears!
What? Oh, that's un-American!
And it infringes upon
my God-given right
to bear a bear!
Our founding fathers would
be rolling over in their graves!
Leave us out of it!
Bears were only meant to help
fight colonial occupation!
And when necessary,
take as a wife!
(ROARS)
Okay, I'm still Principal
for the Day. I can fix this.
We're done listening to you,
Joan. You threw this party,
and now we're all gonna die
in here.
(ROARS)
-(SCREAMS)
-(GASPS)
(SCREAMS) No!
I'm a feminist.
I can't die in a kitchen!
(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
-(WHIMPERS)
-(ROARS)
-CONFUCIUS: Kevin!
-(GROWLS)
I told you.
Remember your training.
Confucius, what are you doing?
Trying to be good enough
for you. Easy boy.
(ROARS)
When we get home,
I'll get you some chateaubriand
with peppercorn sauce,
with that toilet water you like!
-(ROARS)
-(SCREAMS)
-(GROANS)
-(ALL GASP)
Oh, God! You ruined the shirt
my mom got me!
The same woman who plucked you
out of that horrible zoo
and offered you a better life.
But I guess none of that
matters now, huh?
You're just a big, scary bear
who goes around
scaring everybody.
Is that what you want?
Good. I didn't think so.
You don't need to act
a certain way to try
and live up to people's
expectations.
You just need to be Kevin.
Now, come over here, lean down,
and put this on.
(INTENSE MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
(KISSES)
Thank God that's over.
(ALL LAUGH)
Oh, no. It's Scudworth!
He's back!
Let's get outta here!
Holy Book of Revelation,
chapter 20, verse three!
Let's just get back
to our classrooms
and act like nothing happened.
Dammit, my wiener
got jammed again.
Well, Mr. B,
we've got enough burritos
here to add hundreds of dollars
to our Cloney Island dreams!
(GASPS)
Oh, my god,
with a lower case "g",
because I'm not religious!
What in science's name
happened here?
Abe, my Vice Principal
for the Day,
what do you have
to say for yourself?
-Uh
-I did this, sir!
-Huh?
-JOAN: One hundred percent.
This is all my fault.
Is that true, Principal
for the Day of Arc?
It was all my idea,
and I forced everyone to come.
I did it all myself.
I threw the party,
and that's my bear.
(KEVIN SNIFFS)
Well, then,
you're going to Clone Juvie!
And you're never gonna see
your friends again!
That's okay. I don't have any.
Yes, you do.
Principal Scudworth,
I, too, threw this party.
And that's my bear.
Abe, what are you doing?
After spending the day with you,
I realize I missed you.
And I feel lucky to have you
as a friend.
(HEARTFELT MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Fine! Then you'll have each
other in Juvie!
No! I threw this party,
and that's my bear.
I threw this party,
and that's my bear.
I threw this party,
and that's my bear.
I threw this party,
and that's my bear.
I did not throw this party,
and that's not my bear.
I just forgot my purse.
Well, I can't send you all
to Juvie! Just clean this up
and we'll pretend
it never happened.
Like January 6th
and Livestrong bracelets.
Guys, you didn't have
to do that.
And neither did you.
But the sacrifice
you've just made for us
shows us that you've changed,
and we're ready
to try being your friends again.
Yes! You won't regret it!
We've thought about it too,
Joan,
and we actually
don't want you back.
Oh, no.
(BROKEN GLASS CLATTERING)
Hey, I just wanted to say,
thanks for saving my life today.
You were so brave.
Please, the only brave thing
I did was admit I was scared.
Standing face to face
with that bear,
I realized
that masculinity shouldn't be
about aggression
and physical strength.
It should be about allowing
yourself to be vulnerable.
Hey, can you hold this?
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
Uh-huh.
You can't buy rock 'n' roll
On some lonely sinner's dream ♪
(ROCK MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
I never should've tried to be
tougher than Toussaint.
Should've just been myself.
Real strength is knowing
you're good enough
-just the way you are.
-Mm-hmm.
Whoa. Confucius is as hot
as the Earth!
-Right?
-CLEO: What is happening?
Uh, inappropriate.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I've never seen
what you have going on
under there in broad daylight.
So I would love to just live
in this moment for a second.
You haven't heard a word
I've said, have you?
-Hmm?
-You know,
ever since you eye-cheated
on me, I've been wondering
how I screwed everything up.
But the truth is,
it wasn't my fault you cheated.
It was yours.
I didn't do anything wrong.
I'm sorry, but
I need to break up with you,
Harriet.
No! Confucius, please!
Can we talk about this?
(SHUSHES)
I may have lost my shirt,
but what I gained
was self-worth.
And that's all I want right now.
What have I done? Confucius!
I. Am. Not. Okay.
-(SOBS)
-(SCREECHES)
What?
(FALCON CHIRPS)
-(GRUNTS)
-(MUMBLES)
(SCUDWORTH SCREAMS)
You have some nerve, mister.
I do?
Nobody has ever spoken
to me the way you did
this afternoon
when I called the school.
Oh, yes, that's
Well, I'm sure I can think
up a reasonably long-winded
explanation.
You should show me
this side of you more often.
See you around, Scuddy.
-(WOLF HOWLING)
-We did it.
She's none the wiser.
Let's get these burritos on ice.
-(DOOR OPENING)
-MUSSOLINI: Burritos?
SCUDWORTH: The Juvie clones
got out!
Hand them over.
(BOTH SCREAM)
(SCREAMS)
Well, that sucks.
Grab the costumes, Mr. B.
We're going back.
That's a wrap.
Or should I say, burrito.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
CONCLUDES) ♪