Code Monkeys (2007) s02e04 Episode Script

1
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Aah
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
Dave: I love you, whores!
Jerry: Wait. You make
how much a week?
Dave: It's not a big deal, dude.
I make a lot more money
than you.
Life goes on, man.
Jerry: It's a big deal to me.
I work twice as hard as you
while you get high
and pee in my coffee.
I'm gonna ask Larrity
for a raise.
Jerry: Shh. Not now, dude.
Nippily-boppily-booby time!
Jerry: That was awesome!
Dave, would you help me ask
Larrity for a raise?
Dave: Dude, you got a raise
from Kendra and Starla
and Bonerita.
Looks like you still have one.
Jerry: You know I have
perma-boner.
-What?!
-It's a real medical condition
my mom told me.
Dave: You're so lucky, man,
because that
sucked donkey balls.
Jerry: What do you mean, man?
We saw boobs! Plural!
Dave: Yeah, we saw boobs,
but I spent $700
in under a minute.
I got 5 bucks left!
Man: Hey, man. For 5 bucks,
I'll break dance for you.
Dave: Yeah. Why not?
Jerry: Heh. Sorry, Dave,
but boobs aren't free.
You know that.
Dave: What I'm saying is
I'm sick of spending
so much money on them.
Jerry: So get a girlfriend.
Dave: Look. If you're not
gonna talk sensibly,
I don't even want to discuss it.
Hey. For 5 bucks, dude,
I better see the worm.
Jerry: Dave, girlfriends let you
see their boobs for free
I've been told.
Dave: Dude, that's the oldest
lie in the book.
Jerry: There's a book?
Dave: Yes, Jerry.
It's called "The Book of Lies."
The first chapter is
"If You Get a Girlfriend,
You Get to See
her Boobs for Free."
-Wait. You don't?
-Hell, no, dude.
Girlfriends make you pay
an emotional cost.
You may not have to
fork over money,
but you got ask them questions
like, um,
"How are you?"
and "What you're doing?"
and "Does this hurt?"
and "Did you forget to
take your pill?"
and stuff like that.
It's horrible!
Jerry: I don't know, Dave.
I think it sounds kind of nice.
Hi, honey. I'm home!
Mary: Where's my dinner, bitch?
Jerry: Ow! Ow! Stop it!
Stop it! You're a monster!
Oh, man.
Even my dreams hate me.
Dave: Of course they do.
You're a dick,
and you should start
sucking [beep].
On the other hand,
I am a problem-solver,
and I'm gonna solve this problem
so I'll never have to pay
for boobs again,
but I'm gonna need some help.
Agh!
Gupta: Dave, Jerry,
1,000 blessings upon your ass.
Dave: My ass thanks you.
Gupta: How is Mr. Larrity's
butthole?
Dave: Jerry should know.
His nose is shoved up there
24 hours a day, yet I
still make more money than him.
Jerry: Not cool, Dave!
Dave: But enough about Jerry.
I'm here for some medical work
of my own,
some very sexy medical work.
Specifically, I want
a sweet-ass set
of sweater puppies. Arf arf!
Gupta: Sweater puppies?
Ah. You mean breasts.
I happen to have
a top-notch selection.
These are very nice breasts, no?
The collecting is
a hobby of mine.
Dave: Those are
definitely sweet,
but I want breast implants,
like, under my skin.
Jerry: What?!
Dave: Jerry, I'm tired
of renting.
I am ready to own.
Give me the best boob job
200 bucks can buy.
Jerry: Are those oranges?!
Gupta: Yes.
Let's do this thing.
The bandages must stay on
for at least a week,
and in that time,
you must not squeeze
your bosom oranges.
Dave: Oh, man.
Not even a little one?
Gupta: Absolutely not.
They will be very tender.
Dave: Caress?
Gupta: No.
Dave: Fondle? Ow!
What the [beep]?
Gupta: That was fresh-squeezed
orange juice.
Very delicious, yes?
But please refrain from
manhandling yourself.
Here is your pain medication.
Dave: I can get refills, right?
Gupta: I suggest you take
the whole jar.
Dave: Ahh. So anything else
I need to know?
Don't get the boobs wet,
don't feed them after midnight,
don't put them in my own mouth?
Well, that's not gonna happen.
That will happen.
Gupta: All you need to know
is that you are now
the proud owner of the sweetest
set of love balloons
in Sunnyvale.
May I have your
telephone number?
Dave: I'm good.
Thanks, Dr. Gupta.
Jerry: Thanks, Dr. Gupta.
Gupta: Perhaps it is you we
should have given
the breasts to Jerry
because you already have
the vagina!
Dave: Ha! Good one, doc.
Ow! Yes! Ow!
Ye-e-es. Ow! Yesss.
Larrity: As y'all know,
I have an open-door policy
where you can make
your requests.
You got 10 seconds starting now.
Boobies!
-I need a bigger office.
-No! Gay Clarence!
Clarence: I need a new guitar
to write sweet riffs ♪
Larrity: Absolutely not!
Milquetoast!
Jerry: Mr. Larrity, I was
wondering if I could talk
to you about getting a raise.
Larrity: Bzz! Time's up!
Jerry: But, sir, I think
I deserve a--
Larrity: Hey. Where the hell
is Dave?
He never misses
the old beg-a-thon.
Jerry: Um, he had is
appendix taken out.
Larrity: Again? I--
he did that last week.
Something ain't right here.
Jerry: They had to take
the appendix out
through his belly button,
which obviously takes more time.
Larrity: Ah. Say no more. Heh.
That's how I had to have
my baboon heart implanted
so as to keep my glorious pecs
unscarred.
Check them out!
Todd: If, uh, Dave's not here,
uh, perhaps I can bend
your ears
about a little game
that takes place
in the magical realm
of Toddonia.
You must face up
to my genius sooner or later.
Obviously, it will be later.
Let's see. Candles--check!
Glass of red wine--check!
Soap opera--check!
Boobs--oh, double-check!
Woman: You left me
for that harlot
the day I found out
I was pregnant.
Man: It was love, Janet.
What else could I do?
Dave: You could have kept it
in your pants, you ass!
Typical man.
Hello. Oh. Hey, Jerry.
No, not much. Just, you know,
Rodrigo's being a total dick.
No, I'm fine.
All right, dude. I'm not fine.
I'm addicted to painkillers,
I'm totally involved
in the love lives
of imaginary people,
my boobs are extremely sore,
and I'm very, very emotional.
You could never understand me!
I hate you!
Mustnot touch the boob.
Ow! Ow! Yeah. Ow! Yeah!
Ow! Ooh!
What's with the flowers?
Jerry: Hey, buddy.
You sounded like you could use
a pick-me-up.
Dave: Hmm. Nice gesture,
but I'm not a homo.
I'm just a regular dude,
a regular dude with a big,
sweet melon rack.
Jerry: OK. I was just trying
to be nice.
Dave: Well, don't
because it's gay.
5 bucks, you can watch me
take the bandages off.
Jerry: I don't know, man.
Isn't it sort of weird,
me paying my best friend
to see his fake breasts?
On the other hand,
I do love big boobies.
Let's do it!
Dave: 10 bucks now.
Oh, we have to find a vase
for these.
Whoa. What the hell
is wrong with me?
I'm ready.
OK. We're there.
Jerry: Whoa!
Dave: Oh, God!
Oh, God! Oh, oh, oh!
Jerry: It's OK, man.
It's OK, buddy.
Dave: They're so--
Jerry: We can just have
them taken out.
Dave: They're so beautiful!
I'm so beautiful!
I am so beautiful!
Quick. Help me put them
into my mouth.
Jerry, push my head down
so it reaches.
Oh, come on, please. Yes!
Dean: Nice boobs, bro!
Yo. Can I motorboat them?
Fair warning, chief.
No means yes.
Dave: Thanks
for the heads-up, Dean.
Maybe later, 50 bucks.
Todd: Ohh. Maybe you would like
to try on
a slave Leia costume.
I could be Jabba,
and Tiffany does
a Salacious Crumb to a T.
Jerry: What the hell?
"Revenge" isn't even out yet.
Todd: I told you.
If you don't read the BBS,
then you are not in the loop.
FYI, it will be retitled
"Return."
Benny: Wogga wogga! Looking
at Dave make me so hungry!
Dave: Aw. Get up here,
little guy.
Ow! Don't bite!
Benny: Mmm. Mmm. Yes, sir!
That taste like Florida
sunshine! Whoo!
Steve: I'm so [beep] confused.
Larrity: What's all
the commotion out here, people?
Mary: All the loser guys here
are checking out the new Dave.
Larrity: Wait. Don't tell me,
don't tell me.
I'll figure it out.
Gots a mind like a beaver trap.
Huh. You been working out,
Davey?
-No.
-Haircut?
-No.
-Penile implant?
-Colder.
-Well, whatever the hell it is,
I love it! Ha!
And I reckon it's time
you had your own big office.
Mary: But I requested
the bigger office!
Larrity: Quit your yapping
and bake me a pie!
Fatty, pack up your wizard crap.
You're in the copy room. Yee-ha!
Todd: But, sir, I just built
a scale model
in balsa of Toddonia complete
with drawbridge
and wishing well.
Larrity: Who cares?
Dean, choke him!
Dean: No problem, Dad!
Dave: Thanks, Mr. Larrity.
You, dude, are awesome.
Larrity: Don't mention it, son.
Hey, and while I'm
thinking about it,
it's high time you got
yourself a raise.
Jerry: What?!
Dave: Yeah, Mr. Larrity!
Larrity: Call me Daddy,
Big Daddy.
Everybody else, back to work!
Jerry: He gave you my raise!
Dave: I know. He's sweet, right?
Such a sweetheart.
Jerry: You stole my raise!
Dave: Calm down, dude.
Hey. You want to see
my boobs again?
-OK.
-You know the deal, dude.
15 bucks.
-One more time.
-Dude, just give me a 50,
and have a nice,
long peek-a-boobs.
We good here?
Jerry: You said a long look!
Oh, yeahhh.
Todd: Toddonia, what
have they done to you?
Dave: Looks like my magic
is stronger than yours.
Todd: Challenge accepted.
Klaatu barada nikto!
Blast it! The twins' power
is too great.
Dave: Is all your nerdy crap
out of my office, Todd?
Todd: Yes. I have removed
all my collectibles.
Dave: Yes? I'm very busy.
Jerry: I thought I could help
you set up your computer
and then we'd go grab
some lunch,
you know, just you, me,
and the ladies.
Dave: This is getting
awkward, OK?
They're just boobs, all right?
Jerry: What? I know that.
Dave: Sure you do.
Todd: Ah. Dean, you're familiar
with manual labor.
Perhaps you would enjoy
working with me
to rebuild Toddonia.
How dare you!
My beautiful cheese!
My broadsword!
I am being ignored!
Dave has his new breasts
to gain attention.
I must do something spectacular
to return all eyes to me,
the true genius!
My back!
Clare: So, Dave, I hear
you got backstage at Van Halen.
Dave: Totally. I shotgunned
beers with Michael Anthony,
and then Diamond Dave,
he gave me his number.
He totally tried to
chili dog me.
I was like, "Dude."
Clare: You slut!
[Sobbing]
Dave: What's her problem?
Jerry: She's just jealous, dude.
Dave: Why? Diamond Dave might be
a rock star,
but it's not like you actually
want to hang out with the dude.
Jerry: No, man. He's just
jealous of your bazongas.
They're taking you to places
that she's never
been able to go.
Dave: Clare gets backstage
all the time.
Jerry: Yeah at W.A.S.P.
and RATT, not Van Halen,
and I'm pretty sure she has to
front-load the bouncer,
if you know what I mean.
Dave: Yeah, huh. I do have
a pretty sweet rack-a-tola.
I should charge you for that,
but since I make more money
than you, that one's
on the house.
Hey, but for you guys,
the free show is over.
-10 bucks.
-There you go.
-10 bucks.
-Aw, man. You gonna
ask me for 10 bucks?
Dave: You 11.
Dean: Whoa! What's up?!
Dave: 10 bucks.
Larrity: Gosh dern bleeding
my pockets dry.
Todd: Good day, Lucifex.
I will take a cape,
a pipe anda monocle
if you please, sir.
Lucifex: Hey. If you buy
a top hat or a cummerbund,
you get a walking staff
for free.
Todd: You sold me on top hat.
Ugly. You're ugly
with your ugly face
and your ugly, ugly,
small boobs!
Unh! Unh! Ow!
Mary: Clare, what's the matter?
Clare: Ugh! I hate
my small boobs.
Mary: What are you
talking about?
They're natural,
and they're perfect
just the way they are.
Clare: Ugh. I'm not gay, OK?
Don't try anything just
because I'm vulnerable.
Mary: What?! Look. I'm just
trying to reassure you
that your breasts are fine.
Clare: Easy for you to say,
lesbo, with our big ones.
Dave got backstage at Van Halen,
and then Van Halen got backstage
at Dave.
Mary: It's not all fun
having big boobs.
You get cat calls,
your back hurts.
Clare: And you don't have to
flapjack the skeezy bouncer
at The Point.
Mary: I wouldn't know.
Listen. I have more reason
to be mad at Dave than you do.
Larrity gave him
a big, new office
when I've been asking for one
for months!
You know what? I'm gonna go
talk to Dave right now.
Clare: Gay.
I hate you, small boobs.
I hate you!
Unh! Unh! Grow! Grow!
Todd: Good morrow to you, David.
I know you saw me!
I will not be ignored.
Dave: Hey, Black Steve.
Steve: Hey, yo, Dave.
-We need to talk.
-OK. I'm listening.
Hey. Did you know Todd
has a dungeon?
Steve: With your new situation,
you're only a man
from the waist down.
Dave: Yeah. That's not
how I see it, Black Steve.
I feel like a regular dude just
with a superawesome set of jugs.
Steve: Look, man. You're
a woman from the waist up.
Dave: That's incorrect.
Steve: And that's why I think
we should have dinner,
perhaps a movie afterward.
-What?!
-It's not gay
if that's what you're
worried about.
Your top half is all woman.
Dave: No way, dude.
Why don't you just ask me
to suck your [beep]?
Steve: That's inappropriate,
telling another man
to suck another man's [beep]
in a work environment?
Mary: What's going on in here?
I knew Todd had a dungeon.
Steve: This ain't over,
you inappropriate bitch.
I was trying to be a gentleman!
Mary: What was that about?
Dave: I don't know,
but it's not gonna end well.
Mary: Look. It's not my business
what you do to your body,
but the way you're
conducting yourself
is disrespectful
to everybody here,
and you stole my office!
Dave: This is unbelievable.
So you're jealous, too.
-I am not jealous.
-It surprises me because
your knockers are really big.
Mary: Don't talk
about my knockers.
This is about you getting
special treatment.
Dave: I cannot believe you.
You're jealous
of my pert, youthful breasts
and disgusted by your own
floppy udders.
Well, I don't need to be
stabbed in the back
by a lady lover, milch cow!
Mary: [Beep] you, Dave.
Dave: Mooooo to you, too, Mary.
Oh, that was awesome,
my first catfight. Yes!
Mary: Ugh! I just want to
punch a wall! Ohh!
Todd: Even nude, I am still
practically invisible.
Clearly stronger measures
must be taken.
Dave: Hey, guys. I'm a few
years behind on my taxes.
Can you, uh, help me out?
Man: I'll do your taxes
and whatever else you want.
Second man: Bang! He's dead!
I'll do your taxes!
Dave: Aren't you a doll?
Ooh! Yeah. Get it all over wet.
Get it all sudsy
like everybody likes.
That's right. Ooh!
Thanks, sir. I really appreciate
you giving me this raise.
I could really use the money.
Larrity: Well, I'm gonna give
you a lot of things, son.
Heh. Like a condominium
and my penis.
FYI, your raise is coming
out of Jerry's paycheck.
Dave: Fine.
Todd: Tiffany, the answer
to all my problems
is in that crate,
a creature so cool, so unusual
that people will flock to me
and demand to be my friends.
Behold the Mogwai!
Oh, come on!
Wait. I have an idea.
Good thing I kept my receipt!
Ni hao, sir.
I paid good money
for a live Mogwai,
but you seem to have sold me
a dead one.
Mr. Wing: So sorry.
They are quite delicate.
Perhaps I can offer you
another hardier friend.
We sell 3 kinds
of affectation animals
that ride on your shoulder.
Here, we have the parrots.
In the middle, we have ferrets,
and over here are the snakes.
Kung pao! We only
sell constrictors now
as we ran into problems with
the venomous shoulder snakes.
Todd: I shall take them all!
Just try and ignore me
and my menagerie now, you fools!
Jerry: Dave, do you know
anything about this?
Dave: That's a paycheck.
You trade it for porn and weed.
Jerry: I know it's a paycheck.
What I want to know is
why I'm getting
half my salary taken out
as a titty tax.
Dave: Oh, yeah. Larrity is
taking my raise
out of your paycheck.
Did I forget to mention that?
Jerry: Agh! It is time for
Jerry to look out for Jerry.
Dean: Yeah! What's up? Yeah!
Mary: This is out of control!
Clare: Dave is mean,
and I can see his nipples
through his shirt!
Steve: And he won't have
a romantic dinner with me,
even after I asked him.
Jerry: Yeah. Wait. What?
Mary: Either you do something
about Dave,
or we're out of here.
Steve: Yeah!
Clarence: Yeah ♪
Jerry: And I deserve a raise!
Larrity: Fine, fine. I get it.
Dave's milk bags have gone sour.
Leave it to me, people.
Big T's got this under control.
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
I am the Beastmaster!
Ha ha ha!
[Parrots squawking]
Larrity: Hey, Davey.
Thanks for meeting me in here.
Dave: Uh, Mr. Larrity,
my eyes are up here.
Larrity: Uh, what's that?
Oh. Oh, right.
Funny you should say that.
It's, uh--it's actually
them big, juicy bazoombas
of yours that I was
wanting to talk to you about.
Well, they are beautiful,
but they're also evil.
You might even say
they're tearing
the whole dang company apart.
That's why I'm sorry to say
you got to take them out, boy.
Dave: What?! No. My boobs are
a gift to the world.
You'll have to pry them
out of my cold, dead mouth.
Larrity: You're blind
to the trouble you caused, boy,
and I'm fixing to open up
your eyes
right after I do this.
Yee-ha!
Todd: Familiars, our mission
today is quite simple,
to draw attention
away from Dave and onto me.
Snakes, you shall twine
yourselves about my limbs
as if I were a mighty
jungle boa.
I hope that your thick,
reptile bodies will imply
that I am amply endowed.
Mice, pay attention damn it!
You are merely food
for the snakes.
Now, ferrets, when
the time is right,
you shall behave impishly
and without predictable routine,
thus charming all comers,
and, parrots, it is well known
that you have
the power of speech,
but do not repeat
anything Dave says,
especially if it's something
like, "Todd likes sex
with trolls."
Parrot: Todd likes
sex with trolls.
Todd: Exactly. Do not say that.
Any final questions or comments
before we proceed?
Parrots, I thought I saw
a hand there.
All right. Anyone else?
Parrot: Awk! Todd likes
sex with trolls.
Todd: Now come, my minions.
Let us make me famous!
[Parrots squawking]
Dave: What's going on here?
Mary: It's reality check
time, Dave.
Jerry: Your boobs stole
my raise!
This is an intervention.
Dave: What? Intervention?
That is so unfair.
Damn it!
That's the boobs crying.
It's not me!
I'm not emotional!
Larrity: Dave, I invited
3 very special ladies here--
Loni Anderson, Dolly Parton,
and Miss Tesmacher!
Loni: We're here because
we have very large breasts.
Tessmacher: Yes.
They're very large,
you might even say jugnormous.
Dave: Maybe we should all
go talk about this
somewhere else
like a bubble bath.
Dolly: Dave, we're just here
to tell you that
having large breasts ain't all
mud pie and chicken dumplings.
They're a blessing,
but they can also be a burden.
Dave: Yeah. My back
sort of hurts,
but I'm telling you it is
way worth it
for the sweet solo
aw-aw-aw-aw sessions.
Dolly: Oh, I don't mean
the kind of burden
that hurts your back.
I mean the kind of burden
that hurts your soul.
You see, Dave, sometimes,
people can't see
past your bosoms
to who you really are.
Dave: You see how I really am?
Dolly: Honey, are you crying
because you finally
feel guilty for all
the mess caused
by your trouble bubbles?
Dave: No. I'm crying because
I love my boobs so much!
I don't want to give them up.
Todd: I am the Beastmaster!
Do you see me now, huh?
Do you see me now?
Attack!
Parrot: Todd likes sex
with trolls!
Todd: Silence, bird!
Mary: Go away, Todd.
You're interrupting
Dave's boob intervention.
Todd: Aha! You do see me because
you addressed me by name!
Success.
Jerry: Not now, Todd.
Todd: I'm satisfied
with the sweet nectar
of your negative attention.
Familiars, let us make
a dramatic exit.
Todd: Awk! Todd likes sex
with trolls!
Todd: No, not that! Ohh!
Familiars,
I am your master Todd! Ohh!
Remember me!
Larrity: Quick! We gots to get
Dave over to Dr. Gupta's
before he wakes up.
Steve: Hold up. Take that, Dave.
Mary: What was that for?
Steve: He knows.
Gupta: Here he is, good as new.
Larrity: It's good to have
you back, Davey.
Dave: Great. I'm right back
where I started--
no money in my pockets
and no boobs in my hand.
Jerry: It's gonna be OK, Dave.
We'll get through this together.
Dave: Thanks, Jerry.
Your gay friendship means
very much to me.
Larrity: Folks, now what Dave
did took a lot of bravery.
That's why I'm letting him
keep his office
and his new raise.
Jerry: See, Dave, it's
gonna--wait.
How is he brave?
Larrity: I only hope that
Dolly Parton can help him
through his troubled times.
Dolly: Dave, did you make
this whole mess
just because you wanted
a pair of bosoms
that you could hold close
and keep warm?
Dave: Yes, Dolly.
That's exactly what I need.
Dolly: Aw, sugar pie,
you just needed
some hugging and a-cuddling.
Dave: I also like sex.
Dolly: Well, I'm not
making promises,
but I 'm not doing anything
this weekend.
We don't have to talk.
I'll just hold you close
and sing to you, darling.
Dave: "Islands in the Stream"?
Dolly: Any song you want,
baby doll.
Dave: Yes! I'm going on a date
with Dolly Parton!
Later, Jerry!
Jerry: No, wait. What about
our gay friendship?
This is not fair! Agh!
Man: He has multiple
ferret bites,
two snakes on his legs,
and he's morbidly obese.
Todd: Well, according
to my jeans,
I'm know as healthy husky,
thank you very much.
Parrot, no! No.
He's going for the crotch!
[Elephant trumpets]
Clare: Ugh! I hate
my small boobs!