Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s02e04 Episode Script
David Cross Wears a Red Polo Shirt and Brown Shoes with Red Laces
[tranquil music.]
- [chuckling.]
oh, hello there.
Pleasure to make your acquaintance.
My name is j.
Milo beauregard, Comedy bang! Bang!'s custodial engineer.
That's "janitor" for the laymen.
[chuckles.]
You know, I'm glad you found me.
You see, I got a story I'm just dying to share.
It's got it all, too-- Tears, laughs, love, And maybe yours truly gets involved.
[clicks tongue.]
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
This particular story is about a man, A host of a man, 'bout as tall as six of someone's feet Stacked up on top of each other.
Course, who would do a thing like that? I know one man.
A man named scott aukerman.
Yeah, that's him in a straw hat, Walking through a prairie.
But he spends most of his days here In the comedy bang! Bang! Studio.
You see, once not so long ago, There was a show that started with a sweet song, A catchy song.
The song went something like comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! oh, lord comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! oh, lord [soul music.]
- [inhales.]
[whispers.]
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! - comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! uh-huh - Hey, there.
Welcome to comedy bang! Bang! We have a great one tonight.
David cross is here, As well as senatorial candidate felix dewhurst.
I'm scott aukerman.
[tranquil music.]
- mm, mm, mm.
What a star-studded lineup.
[chuckles.]
we'll get back to them soon.
Don't you fret your odd-shaped heads about that.
Of course, through the years, guests would come and go.
But one man stood by scott's side.
That was scott's oldest friend, by age, Reggie watts.
- Let's say hello to our good friend, reggie watts.
[jazz music.]
- With a "b" sharp and an "f" flat, Old reggie was at it again, More music box than man And with a smile that oft sent his dentist To the sunglass shop.
- Fantastic.
- Thanks.
- How are you, reggie? - Me? Good.
- So, reggie, are you getting recognized From the show a lot? - I get "re-cog-nized" a lot, yeah, By many people, and they say things like, "hey, you're on a show.
" - "hey, you're that guy.
" - "on a show.
" - So how has your life changed since you've become A big tv star? - Well, it's changed a lot.
I mean, I drive very expensive cars now.
- How expensive? - Um, like in the 15,000, - Well, that's great, man.
Anything else changed? - Better toothpaste.
Now I'm using jim's of maine.
- He's tom's of maine's competitor, right? - He is tom's of maine's competitor.
- It's weird how those two guys from maine Both started toothpaste companies.
- You know, sometimes a great idea happens In two places simultaneously.
- Well, reggie, one other thing I wanted to ask you - Scott could always count on reggie to be there.
He could set his watch to it.
But today, he had a job to do.
And do it he did.
- You know, so-- [chuckles.]
- So, indeed.
All right, reggie.
We'll check back with you later.
All right, let's get to our first guest.
He is about to cross this stage And answer a david's worth of questions.
Please welcome david cross.
[ethereal music.]
- hey, every--oh.
Oh, hi.
No one here.
- Nope, just us.
- Okay, all right.
Uh-- - Hello, david.
- Hey.
- No, no, no, no, no.
You actually come all the way-- - All right.
- Down to-- no, not in my seat.
- All right.
- No, no, no, no.
Just this one right here, if you could.
- Jeez, pretty particular.
- Well, you know-- - For having nobody here.
- The way talk shows are normally done.
You've never been on a talk show before? - I've been on plenty.
- So, david, I'm noticing this ribbon on your shirt.
Do you want to talk about that? What is that for? - Sure, I would love to.
It's a group that-- It's called teeth for tots.
- Okay.
- And what it does is It exchanges baby teeth, human baby teeth - Sure.
- To the potato industry In exchange for tater tots.
And it's a win-win.
- And then you just change them, And the babies get the tater tots? - No.
- Oh.
- Well, they can't--no.
They wouldn't be able to eat it yet.
And then it would sit around for too long, And it would go bad.
- Right.
- I think that'd be dangerous and irresponsible, scott.
- That's fantastic.
I mean, that's a great cause.
- It's--thank you very much, yeah.
I mean, I-I really-- It's something I like to do and give mys-- - Getting into charity work these days.
- Yeah, I mean, I have a-- I have a ton, really.
- You have more? - Yeah, yeah.
They're all causes that I feel strongly about.
- Oh.
- This is for the angela k.
Fart foundation, 'cause she has an unfortunate name.
- Right.
- The "k" stands for [bleep.]
.
So we're trying to get that changed.
- What is the blue one here? - Chuckles against buckles.
And it's a group of comedians Trying to get anti-seatbelt legislation passed.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, what is that one for, the orange one? - To help get hard rock cafes back.
As you know, um-- - they've been closing.
- They've been closing down internationally, Not just here in america.
- Yeah, and you're doing it.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
- I am.
- Yeah.
- So, uh, so go to my-- Uh, here? Go to my-- - That's actually my camera.
- You go to my web-- Go to my website.
You go to my website.
You go to my website.
- No, no, the cameras are-- - You go to my website.
- No, no, this one.
- You go to my website.
- Yeah.
- So just go to my website.
- Go to his website.
- Okay.
- Do you have any more? - Um, no.
We can talk about this one again.
- What was that one again? - Oh, [bleep.]
this.
This is ridiculous.
If you're not gonna-- Sorry, sorry.
I don't know-- If you are going to forget it, what is the point Of me wearing a ridiculous ribbon? Then I didn't do my job.
The ribbon didn't do its job.
You didn't do your job! - Now, david, before we continue, I think it's important that you're completely honest And candid in your responses.
- Yeah, of course.
- So here we go.
This is a bible.
- Is it holy? - It is holy, yes.
Go ahead and put your hand on it, if you would.
Perfect.
David cross, do you solemnly swear To tell the truth, the whole truth, And nothing but the truth? - I do.
- Do you swear to be funny And charming in your responses? - I do.
- Will your anecdotes have verisimilitude? - They will.
- But do you also swear To over-exaggerate for comic effect? - I do.
- Perfect! That's it.
- All right.
- Okay, thank you.
So, david, I hear you had a funny anecdote About a trip you took recently.
- Oh, scott, I do.
I was in egypt with the rolling stones, And mick jagger threw up on a camel.
- [laughs.]
perfect.
So, david, I've always wanted to ask you [tranquil music.]
- Oh, this interview seemed to be going Just like the thing jack and jill Went up that ol' hill to draw from: Well.
But just then, scott reared back And asked a question with all his might.
- Do you find it hard to juggle work and family? - Oh, not really - David answered.
- I don't have kids - David continued.
- And in between projects, I have a lot of free time.
- Marvelous.
- Okay.
- So you were in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
- Oh, my god, what, do you go on imdb and just-- - When you read that script, did you say, Finally, there's a movie that's as demented And whacked out as my own mind? - Yeah, I said it repeatedly, uh, to anybody That would listen.
- How'd that go over? - Most people were annoyed.
- Hmm.
- You know.
But I kept pressing them, like, "no, you gotta read this.
"finally, a movie as whacked out and demented As what goes on in here.
" [cuckoos.]
And I would stand next to, you know, On street corners, those, uh, The poles where you push the button, and it's-- They have the noise.
And then I'd stand there and go like this, While the noise was going, so it'd be-- - And point at your head? - [cuckoos.]
And roll my eyes.
- Mm-hmm.
- But I wouldn't have to make the sound with my mouth.
- Sure.
- I'm making it now so that-- - I can make it right now if you like so-- - All right, go.
- [cuckoos.]
[still cuckooing.]
[clock chimes, cuckoos.]
[echoing cuckoos, ominous music.]
[click, final cuckoo.]
It's scary in there, I bet.
- It's pretty nuts.
Yeah, wear protective clothing.
- [laughs.]
that's funny.
- Well-- - isn't that funny, reggie? - Oh! - Reggie? Oh, my god, reggie's missing! Help! Help! Help! - Our man reggie's been missing for six seconds now.
Average foot speed over uneven ground, Four miles per hour.
That gives us a search radius of 36 feet, Or 432 inches, Or, if you're french, I want you searching every farmhouse, Outhouse, barn house, warehouse, Episode of house.
If a house has a back porch, you search it.
If the next house has no porch, skip it.
If the following house has a porch, You skip that.
It's every other porch.
Read your manuals.
Now, this is a picture of reggie.
The nerds down at the lab have done us the kindly favor Of showing what he looks like aged up one minute.
[ominous drum roll.]
You've been pretty quiet.
- Well, you've been talk-- - Shut up and tell me what you know.
- Me? Nothing.
I-I've just been sitting here.
- Shut up and tell me what you know! - [silent.]
- shut up.
in america were abducted By the person sitting closest To the abducted person's synthesizer.
- David.
- I think we got our man.
- Come on! I didn't do anything.
[dramatic chords.]
- hey, guys.
- Holy crap.
- Who's this? - Reggie! I thought you were gone forever.
- Nah, I was just at my wife's funeral.
- [exhales.]
- oh, thank god.
- Yeah, some two-armed guy murdered her.
- Wait a second.
This guy's got two arms.
- [gasps.]
- hey, wait, I can explain.
You-- Exit stage right! - That's-- - that's stage left.
- That's stage left.
- Okay, we'll be right back with more david cross And senatorial candidate felix dewhurst.
[tranquil music.]
- But suddenly, a series of smaller stories cropped up, Stories about people who like products.
[chuckles.]
[funky synthesizer beat.]
Male announcer: Do you love the smell of salt? Then join us this February On the official comedy bang! Bang! Cruise! Board a luxury ocean liner And travel in bang! Bang! Style.
Enter the scott 'n reggie costume contest.
Rock out to watts happening, The premier reggie watts tribute band.
Chow down at the tater tot fountain.
All while you travel from northern maine To southern maine, then back to central maine.
Your kids can get their photo With a life-sized reggie watts cardboard standee.
The photo will be taken by the reggie watts.
Calypso dance on the pool deck To the scott aukerman blues explosion.
And visit the celebrity lounge, where every single guest From comedy bang! Bang! Is hanging out At the free pizza buffet.
[calypso music.]
- Ahoy.
I'm captain scott aukerman.
Welcome aboard.
The bottom of the boat keeps hitting fish.
[horn blares.]
- And he was made of gumdrops, So why would I believe him? - Now, where was I? Well, there I was in dallas, texas.
You see, I was standing on a grassy knoll Next to a fellow who I would describe As a second shooter.
He was aiming his gun at this-- [chuckles.]
oh, now, wait a second.
I'm getting a bit off topic.
I meant to tell you about scott's adventure.
Well, after that break, scott and his guest decided To continue their riveting repartee.
[chuckles.]
- Hey, welcome back.
We're here with david cross.
And senatorial candidate felix dewhurst Will be out in a moment.
And, david, boy.
Good interview, huh? - Oh, delicious.
I am absolutely stuffed.
- Mm, mwah, boy.
Oh, and hey.
What do we have here, huh? - Wishbone! The best part of any interview.
Scott, would you care to break the wishbone with me? - Don't mind if I do.
- One - Two Both: Wishbone, wishbone! - Ha! - Ahh.
W--hey.
Congratulations, david.
Hey, what are you gonna wish for? - I can't tell you that.
It won't come true.
- I guess I'll never know.
Both: [chuckle.]
- [gasps.]
[giggling.]
- All right, well [glass shatters.]
We here at comedy bang! Bang! Obviously love to joke, But we do know that the best jokes Come from real life.
For instance, reggie, Think of the worst date you've ever been on.
Yeah, see what I mean? So we're about to send you folks On a real-life date-zaster.
[heavy metal music.]
This is julie.
Her friends alerted us to julie's profile On an online dating site.
She's about to go on a blind date.
But not just any blind date.
This one's going to go wrong In all the right ways.
This is michael, the young man who asked julie out On the date.
Michael is actually with us.
He's an actor who we asked to create A fake profile on the dating site.
Michael and our hidden cameras are going to ensure That this date-zaster becomes a true date-astrophe.
The big night.
I took my position in the control room And waited for the sparks to fly.
But to really ensure that this becomes A true date-zaster, We also hired another actor to play the waiter.
This waiter is going to act rude, Crude - [farts loudly.]
- And totally lewd.
Boing! And to make totally sure That no one in the restaurant has julie's back, We replaced all of the normal dinner patrons With paid extras.
But to make sure we really get the reactions we want, We replaced julie with a paid actress, sarah.
This is gonna be awesome.
[laughs.]
These two date-zaster victims are getting ready For the worst night of their lives.
And since the restaurant is located Next to a noisy construction site, We built a bistro in our own studio, Free of any sound problems.
And to make sure the dialogue is as funny As humanly possible, We hired some of hollywood's top gag writers.
And to make sure we get the best performances possible, We hired a director to work with the actors Before we shoot the scene.
- You feel in a scene! You don't think! - Well, don't you think I want this?! - You want it too much! That's the problem! - To top it all off, We replaced the house musician With none other than hollywood funny man Weird al yankovic.
Okay, everything's set.
Now it's time for this real-life date-zaster To unfold.
Action! - You look very beautiful tonight.
- Oh, and you look very handsome.
- Duh, welcome.
Our special is boogers.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah! - Well, I never! [humorous trombone slide.]
- How dare you? I am the mayor, and this is my wife! - [giggling.]
- duh, I'm cooking with gas.
[farts loudly.]
- oh! - [chortling.]
[cartoonish music.]
All: Check, plea - [plays finale.]
just eat it [laughter.]
- A true slice of life.
All right, we'll be right back with more david cross And senatorial candidate felix dewhurst.
[pop rock synthesizer beat.]
- As the segment came to a close, The camera dollied back from a two-shot To a wide shot of scott and david, And the director remarked, "cut to commercial.
" And so they did.
[chuckles.]
- [rapping on synthesizer.]
- Hey there.
Welcome back to the show.
We're here with david s and, well [tranquil music.]
- right about now, Old scott was more wound up Than a yo-yo on a tilt-a-whirl.
And he was angrier than a bull in a red room Full of matadors.
I should mention that I'm just guessing here.
You know, I can't hear scott's thoughts Or see into the future, And from where I'm standing, 'cause the lights are so dark, I can barely see his face.
[chuckles.]
anyway, It was time for scott to welcome his next guest.
- Anyway, it's time for me to welcome my next guest-- - Who? - I'm about to tell you and everyone.
He's actually a candidate for senate-- - What's his name? - His name's felix dewhurst.
[upbeat music.]
Hi.
- How are you? - Good evening.
- Hi, david cross.
- It's great to meet you.
- All right.
Hi, welcome to the show.
- Hi.
Thank you very much.
It's so great to be here.
- What do I call you? Do I call you senator Or senator-to-be or-- - You can just call me felix right now.
I'm running for the office of senate - Oh, okay.
- But I am not there yet.
- Well, good luck.
When is the vote coming? - Uh, the vote is coming, well, in November.
We're gonna be rocking the vote.
- Ah, good luck to you.
- Thank you.
- Why are you on the show, if I may ask? - Well, that's a great question.
I'm here because I feel That there is far too much dishonesty in politics.
And I want to come clean about a few things.
- Okay, well, great.
So what's the thing You want to get off your chest first? - Scott I am not proud of this.
But back in college, I experimented with marijuana.
- Okay, well, that's not so bad.
I mean, david, that's-- I mean, a lot of politicians-- - I did it on a major scale.
- How big? - 10,000 times.
After college, I stopped using as frequently.
- Oh, you--you still use? - I still use.
Nowhere near the amount that I did Back in college.
- Okay.
- Back in college, I was just a fuzz head.
- Are you high right now? - Yes.
- So, senator, that's okay, though.
I mean, pot is really not that big of a deal anymore.
I mean, you know, everyone kind of is coming clean About that, so it's-- it's no big deal.
But I'm glad that you got it out here.
More politicians should be honest.
- There's more.
- Okay, sure, I mean-- - I'm not gonna say that I'm gonna blow your mind, But I am going to Make a statement that is Somewhat controversial, That, yes, I go to yoga, And the reason I go to yoga is 'cause I like to stare at people's sweaty butts.
I'm an unapologetic butt man.
- Just butts in general, that's your thing? - I could give a rat's buns About the front side, But that backside, I-- - Yeah.
- [chuckles.]
What is that song? I like big butts, and I cannot lie.
- Uh, senator-to-be, I just don't think that that's anything The public necessarily needs to know because-- - It's not your position to tell me what's right And what's wrong.
- [whistles.]
- okay.
I-I'm-- - You know what else I did? - Please.
You don't need to confess to anything else.
- I Am a very rich man, And I made my fortune by making and selling Videotapes of bum fights.
- Oh! - Bums that we found on the street, And we just got them to fight each other.
- Why? - We told this guy, "hey, that guy's talking mess about you.
" And then we would tell this guy, "hey, that guy, He just criticized your family.
" And they would just--bam! And we'd videotape it, and then we'd just send it off To some place.
- That's terrible! - They'd make massive amounts of videotapes, And people are just like, "aaagh, bums fighting!" - That's reprehensible.
That is awful.
- Millions of dollars.
- You're a terrible person.
- Shut up.
You know what else I did? - Oh, god.
- I performed An elaborate, uh, museum heist, Uh, just so I could steal a little-- One of those child mummies And have sex with it.
- Ugh.
- I mean, it's not that big of a deal.
- It's not? You--it's necrophilia.
Do you know what that word means? - It is necrophilia, yeah, having sex with a dead person.
I'm a necrophiliac.
Necrophiliacs know what necrophilia is.
- These are terrible admissions.
It's illegal.
- I got to have sex with something very young But very old at the same time.
- It's kind of like having sex with emmanuel lewis.
- Scott, that is disgusting.
- Look, uh, senator-to-be, You're not the senator to be.
I don't think anyone should vote for you.
Please don't vote for this man.
- [laughing.]
ohh! Guess what.
- You've ruined your chances.
- I've ruined my chances? - No one's gonna vote for you.
- Guess what.
- What? - There is no way That I am gonna lose Because I am in the pockets of the special interests.
- Oh! - Scott aukerman is a small, little man! [america the beautiful playing.]
'cause he believes that this country is One man, one vote, but I'll tell you what.
In reality, this country is one man, one vote, One politician having sex with a child mummy.
We'll be back to you after this commercial break.
- Hey, that's my line.
- Ah.
- Ow! You wanna stick around? - Yeah, I'd love to.
Thank you.
[funky synthesizer music.]
[hip-hop synthesizer music.]
- Great story.
- As he came back from commercials, Scott reflected on the most important moments Of his life-- When he welcomed david cross, When he caused a date-zaster.
But there was one last task For our host to accomplish.
- All right, I want to thank our guests.
That's been our show.
David cross, thank you so much.
- Thank you, reggie.
- Felix dewhurst.
Please don't run for senate, okay? - Okay.
- All right.
- And so scott thanked his guests, Kind soul that he is, And he said good night.
And with that, your humble narrator Brings the greatest story ever told To its conclusion.
Oh, you're probably still wondering About how I find myself involved in this story.
Well, I've always wanted to be a voiceover artist, So I got this janitor job at a tv studio.
After all, if you don't make your own breaks, who will? [chuckles.]
And remember, I do not work on weekends.
Good night.
[jazzy music.]
[engine revs, metal clangs.]
- The wolf dead.
- Absolutely.
- [chuckling.]
oh, hello there.
Pleasure to make your acquaintance.
My name is j.
Milo beauregard, Comedy bang! Bang!'s custodial engineer.
That's "janitor" for the laymen.
[chuckles.]
You know, I'm glad you found me.
You see, I got a story I'm just dying to share.
It's got it all, too-- Tears, laughs, love, And maybe yours truly gets involved.
[clicks tongue.]
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
This particular story is about a man, A host of a man, 'bout as tall as six of someone's feet Stacked up on top of each other.
Course, who would do a thing like that? I know one man.
A man named scott aukerman.
Yeah, that's him in a straw hat, Walking through a prairie.
But he spends most of his days here In the comedy bang! Bang! Studio.
You see, once not so long ago, There was a show that started with a sweet song, A catchy song.
The song went something like comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! oh, lord comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! oh, lord [soul music.]
- [inhales.]
[whispers.]
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! - comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! uh-huh - Hey, there.
Welcome to comedy bang! Bang! We have a great one tonight.
David cross is here, As well as senatorial candidate felix dewhurst.
I'm scott aukerman.
[tranquil music.]
- mm, mm, mm.
What a star-studded lineup.
[chuckles.]
we'll get back to them soon.
Don't you fret your odd-shaped heads about that.
Of course, through the years, guests would come and go.
But one man stood by scott's side.
That was scott's oldest friend, by age, Reggie watts.
- Let's say hello to our good friend, reggie watts.
[jazz music.]
- With a "b" sharp and an "f" flat, Old reggie was at it again, More music box than man And with a smile that oft sent his dentist To the sunglass shop.
- Fantastic.
- Thanks.
- How are you, reggie? - Me? Good.
- So, reggie, are you getting recognized From the show a lot? - I get "re-cog-nized" a lot, yeah, By many people, and they say things like, "hey, you're on a show.
" - "hey, you're that guy.
" - "on a show.
" - So how has your life changed since you've become A big tv star? - Well, it's changed a lot.
I mean, I drive very expensive cars now.
- How expensive? - Um, like in the 15,000, - Well, that's great, man.
Anything else changed? - Better toothpaste.
Now I'm using jim's of maine.
- He's tom's of maine's competitor, right? - He is tom's of maine's competitor.
- It's weird how those two guys from maine Both started toothpaste companies.
- You know, sometimes a great idea happens In two places simultaneously.
- Well, reggie, one other thing I wanted to ask you - Scott could always count on reggie to be there.
He could set his watch to it.
But today, he had a job to do.
And do it he did.
- You know, so-- [chuckles.]
- So, indeed.
All right, reggie.
We'll check back with you later.
All right, let's get to our first guest.
He is about to cross this stage And answer a david's worth of questions.
Please welcome david cross.
[ethereal music.]
- hey, every--oh.
Oh, hi.
No one here.
- Nope, just us.
- Okay, all right.
Uh-- - Hello, david.
- Hey.
- No, no, no, no, no.
You actually come all the way-- - All right.
- Down to-- no, not in my seat.
- All right.
- No, no, no, no.
Just this one right here, if you could.
- Jeez, pretty particular.
- Well, you know-- - For having nobody here.
- The way talk shows are normally done.
You've never been on a talk show before? - I've been on plenty.
- So, david, I'm noticing this ribbon on your shirt.
Do you want to talk about that? What is that for? - Sure, I would love to.
It's a group that-- It's called teeth for tots.
- Okay.
- And what it does is It exchanges baby teeth, human baby teeth - Sure.
- To the potato industry In exchange for tater tots.
And it's a win-win.
- And then you just change them, And the babies get the tater tots? - No.
- Oh.
- Well, they can't--no.
They wouldn't be able to eat it yet.
And then it would sit around for too long, And it would go bad.
- Right.
- I think that'd be dangerous and irresponsible, scott.
- That's fantastic.
I mean, that's a great cause.
- It's--thank you very much, yeah.
I mean, I-I really-- It's something I like to do and give mys-- - Getting into charity work these days.
- Yeah, I mean, I have a-- I have a ton, really.
- You have more? - Yeah, yeah.
They're all causes that I feel strongly about.
- Oh.
- This is for the angela k.
Fart foundation, 'cause she has an unfortunate name.
- Right.
- The "k" stands for [bleep.]
.
So we're trying to get that changed.
- What is the blue one here? - Chuckles against buckles.
And it's a group of comedians Trying to get anti-seatbelt legislation passed.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, what is that one for, the orange one? - To help get hard rock cafes back.
As you know, um-- - they've been closing.
- They've been closing down internationally, Not just here in america.
- Yeah, and you're doing it.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
- I am.
- Yeah.
- So, uh, so go to my-- Uh, here? Go to my-- - That's actually my camera.
- You go to my web-- Go to my website.
You go to my website.
You go to my website.
- No, no, the cameras are-- - You go to my website.
- No, no, this one.
- You go to my website.
- Yeah.
- So just go to my website.
- Go to his website.
- Okay.
- Do you have any more? - Um, no.
We can talk about this one again.
- What was that one again? - Oh, [bleep.]
this.
This is ridiculous.
If you're not gonna-- Sorry, sorry.
I don't know-- If you are going to forget it, what is the point Of me wearing a ridiculous ribbon? Then I didn't do my job.
The ribbon didn't do its job.
You didn't do your job! - Now, david, before we continue, I think it's important that you're completely honest And candid in your responses.
- Yeah, of course.
- So here we go.
This is a bible.
- Is it holy? - It is holy, yes.
Go ahead and put your hand on it, if you would.
Perfect.
David cross, do you solemnly swear To tell the truth, the whole truth, And nothing but the truth? - I do.
- Do you swear to be funny And charming in your responses? - I do.
- Will your anecdotes have verisimilitude? - They will.
- But do you also swear To over-exaggerate for comic effect? - I do.
- Perfect! That's it.
- All right.
- Okay, thank you.
So, david, I hear you had a funny anecdote About a trip you took recently.
- Oh, scott, I do.
I was in egypt with the rolling stones, And mick jagger threw up on a camel.
- [laughs.]
perfect.
So, david, I've always wanted to ask you [tranquil music.]
- Oh, this interview seemed to be going Just like the thing jack and jill Went up that ol' hill to draw from: Well.
But just then, scott reared back And asked a question with all his might.
- Do you find it hard to juggle work and family? - Oh, not really - David answered.
- I don't have kids - David continued.
- And in between projects, I have a lot of free time.
- Marvelous.
- Okay.
- So you were in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
- Oh, my god, what, do you go on imdb and just-- - When you read that script, did you say, Finally, there's a movie that's as demented And whacked out as my own mind? - Yeah, I said it repeatedly, uh, to anybody That would listen.
- How'd that go over? - Most people were annoyed.
- Hmm.
- You know.
But I kept pressing them, like, "no, you gotta read this.
"finally, a movie as whacked out and demented As what goes on in here.
" [cuckoos.]
And I would stand next to, you know, On street corners, those, uh, The poles where you push the button, and it's-- They have the noise.
And then I'd stand there and go like this, While the noise was going, so it'd be-- - And point at your head? - [cuckoos.]
And roll my eyes.
- Mm-hmm.
- But I wouldn't have to make the sound with my mouth.
- Sure.
- I'm making it now so that-- - I can make it right now if you like so-- - All right, go.
- [cuckoos.]
[still cuckooing.]
[clock chimes, cuckoos.]
[echoing cuckoos, ominous music.]
[click, final cuckoo.]
It's scary in there, I bet.
- It's pretty nuts.
Yeah, wear protective clothing.
- [laughs.]
that's funny.
- Well-- - isn't that funny, reggie? - Oh! - Reggie? Oh, my god, reggie's missing! Help! Help! Help! - Our man reggie's been missing for six seconds now.
Average foot speed over uneven ground, Four miles per hour.
That gives us a search radius of 36 feet, Or 432 inches, Or, if you're french, I want you searching every farmhouse, Outhouse, barn house, warehouse, Episode of house.
If a house has a back porch, you search it.
If the next house has no porch, skip it.
If the following house has a porch, You skip that.
It's every other porch.
Read your manuals.
Now, this is a picture of reggie.
The nerds down at the lab have done us the kindly favor Of showing what he looks like aged up one minute.
[ominous drum roll.]
You've been pretty quiet.
- Well, you've been talk-- - Shut up and tell me what you know.
- Me? Nothing.
I-I've just been sitting here.
- Shut up and tell me what you know! - [silent.]
- shut up.
in america were abducted By the person sitting closest To the abducted person's synthesizer.
- David.
- I think we got our man.
- Come on! I didn't do anything.
[dramatic chords.]
- hey, guys.
- Holy crap.
- Who's this? - Reggie! I thought you were gone forever.
- Nah, I was just at my wife's funeral.
- [exhales.]
- oh, thank god.
- Yeah, some two-armed guy murdered her.
- Wait a second.
This guy's got two arms.
- [gasps.]
- hey, wait, I can explain.
You-- Exit stage right! - That's-- - that's stage left.
- That's stage left.
- Okay, we'll be right back with more david cross And senatorial candidate felix dewhurst.
[tranquil music.]
- But suddenly, a series of smaller stories cropped up, Stories about people who like products.
[chuckles.]
[funky synthesizer beat.]
Male announcer: Do you love the smell of salt? Then join us this February On the official comedy bang! Bang! Cruise! Board a luxury ocean liner And travel in bang! Bang! Style.
Enter the scott 'n reggie costume contest.
Rock out to watts happening, The premier reggie watts tribute band.
Chow down at the tater tot fountain.
All while you travel from northern maine To southern maine, then back to central maine.
Your kids can get their photo With a life-sized reggie watts cardboard standee.
The photo will be taken by the reggie watts.
Calypso dance on the pool deck To the scott aukerman blues explosion.
And visit the celebrity lounge, where every single guest From comedy bang! Bang! Is hanging out At the free pizza buffet.
[calypso music.]
- Ahoy.
I'm captain scott aukerman.
Welcome aboard.
The bottom of the boat keeps hitting fish.
[horn blares.]
- And he was made of gumdrops, So why would I believe him? - Now, where was I? Well, there I was in dallas, texas.
You see, I was standing on a grassy knoll Next to a fellow who I would describe As a second shooter.
He was aiming his gun at this-- [chuckles.]
oh, now, wait a second.
I'm getting a bit off topic.
I meant to tell you about scott's adventure.
Well, after that break, scott and his guest decided To continue their riveting repartee.
[chuckles.]
- Hey, welcome back.
We're here with david cross.
And senatorial candidate felix dewhurst Will be out in a moment.
And, david, boy.
Good interview, huh? - Oh, delicious.
I am absolutely stuffed.
- Mm, mwah, boy.
Oh, and hey.
What do we have here, huh? - Wishbone! The best part of any interview.
Scott, would you care to break the wishbone with me? - Don't mind if I do.
- One - Two Both: Wishbone, wishbone! - Ha! - Ahh.
W--hey.
Congratulations, david.
Hey, what are you gonna wish for? - I can't tell you that.
It won't come true.
- I guess I'll never know.
Both: [chuckle.]
- [gasps.]
[giggling.]
- All right, well [glass shatters.]
We here at comedy bang! Bang! Obviously love to joke, But we do know that the best jokes Come from real life.
For instance, reggie, Think of the worst date you've ever been on.
Yeah, see what I mean? So we're about to send you folks On a real-life date-zaster.
[heavy metal music.]
This is julie.
Her friends alerted us to julie's profile On an online dating site.
She's about to go on a blind date.
But not just any blind date.
This one's going to go wrong In all the right ways.
This is michael, the young man who asked julie out On the date.
Michael is actually with us.
He's an actor who we asked to create A fake profile on the dating site.
Michael and our hidden cameras are going to ensure That this date-zaster becomes a true date-astrophe.
The big night.
I took my position in the control room And waited for the sparks to fly.
But to really ensure that this becomes A true date-zaster, We also hired another actor to play the waiter.
This waiter is going to act rude, Crude - [farts loudly.]
- And totally lewd.
Boing! And to make totally sure That no one in the restaurant has julie's back, We replaced all of the normal dinner patrons With paid extras.
But to make sure we really get the reactions we want, We replaced julie with a paid actress, sarah.
This is gonna be awesome.
[laughs.]
These two date-zaster victims are getting ready For the worst night of their lives.
And since the restaurant is located Next to a noisy construction site, We built a bistro in our own studio, Free of any sound problems.
And to make sure the dialogue is as funny As humanly possible, We hired some of hollywood's top gag writers.
And to make sure we get the best performances possible, We hired a director to work with the actors Before we shoot the scene.
- You feel in a scene! You don't think! - Well, don't you think I want this?! - You want it too much! That's the problem! - To top it all off, We replaced the house musician With none other than hollywood funny man Weird al yankovic.
Okay, everything's set.
Now it's time for this real-life date-zaster To unfold.
Action! - You look very beautiful tonight.
- Oh, and you look very handsome.
- Duh, welcome.
Our special is boogers.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah! - Well, I never! [humorous trombone slide.]
- How dare you? I am the mayor, and this is my wife! - [giggling.]
- duh, I'm cooking with gas.
[farts loudly.]
- oh! - [chortling.]
[cartoonish music.]
All: Check, plea - [plays finale.]
just eat it [laughter.]
- A true slice of life.
All right, we'll be right back with more david cross And senatorial candidate felix dewhurst.
[pop rock synthesizer beat.]
- As the segment came to a close, The camera dollied back from a two-shot To a wide shot of scott and david, And the director remarked, "cut to commercial.
" And so they did.
[chuckles.]
- [rapping on synthesizer.]
- Hey there.
Welcome back to the show.
We're here with david s and, well [tranquil music.]
- right about now, Old scott was more wound up Than a yo-yo on a tilt-a-whirl.
And he was angrier than a bull in a red room Full of matadors.
I should mention that I'm just guessing here.
You know, I can't hear scott's thoughts Or see into the future, And from where I'm standing, 'cause the lights are so dark, I can barely see his face.
[chuckles.]
anyway, It was time for scott to welcome his next guest.
- Anyway, it's time for me to welcome my next guest-- - Who? - I'm about to tell you and everyone.
He's actually a candidate for senate-- - What's his name? - His name's felix dewhurst.
[upbeat music.]
Hi.
- How are you? - Good evening.
- Hi, david cross.
- It's great to meet you.
- All right.
Hi, welcome to the show.
- Hi.
Thank you very much.
It's so great to be here.
- What do I call you? Do I call you senator Or senator-to-be or-- - You can just call me felix right now.
I'm running for the office of senate - Oh, okay.
- But I am not there yet.
- Well, good luck.
When is the vote coming? - Uh, the vote is coming, well, in November.
We're gonna be rocking the vote.
- Ah, good luck to you.
- Thank you.
- Why are you on the show, if I may ask? - Well, that's a great question.
I'm here because I feel That there is far too much dishonesty in politics.
And I want to come clean about a few things.
- Okay, well, great.
So what's the thing You want to get off your chest first? - Scott I am not proud of this.
But back in college, I experimented with marijuana.
- Okay, well, that's not so bad.
I mean, david, that's-- I mean, a lot of politicians-- - I did it on a major scale.
- How big? - 10,000 times.
After college, I stopped using as frequently.
- Oh, you--you still use? - I still use.
Nowhere near the amount that I did Back in college.
- Okay.
- Back in college, I was just a fuzz head.
- Are you high right now? - Yes.
- So, senator, that's okay, though.
I mean, pot is really not that big of a deal anymore.
I mean, you know, everyone kind of is coming clean About that, so it's-- it's no big deal.
But I'm glad that you got it out here.
More politicians should be honest.
- There's more.
- Okay, sure, I mean-- - I'm not gonna say that I'm gonna blow your mind, But I am going to Make a statement that is Somewhat controversial, That, yes, I go to yoga, And the reason I go to yoga is 'cause I like to stare at people's sweaty butts.
I'm an unapologetic butt man.
- Just butts in general, that's your thing? - I could give a rat's buns About the front side, But that backside, I-- - Yeah.
- [chuckles.]
What is that song? I like big butts, and I cannot lie.
- Uh, senator-to-be, I just don't think that that's anything The public necessarily needs to know because-- - It's not your position to tell me what's right And what's wrong.
- [whistles.]
- okay.
I-I'm-- - You know what else I did? - Please.
You don't need to confess to anything else.
- I Am a very rich man, And I made my fortune by making and selling Videotapes of bum fights.
- Oh! - Bums that we found on the street, And we just got them to fight each other.
- Why? - We told this guy, "hey, that guy's talking mess about you.
" And then we would tell this guy, "hey, that guy, He just criticized your family.
" And they would just--bam! And we'd videotape it, and then we'd just send it off To some place.
- That's terrible! - They'd make massive amounts of videotapes, And people are just like, "aaagh, bums fighting!" - That's reprehensible.
That is awful.
- Millions of dollars.
- You're a terrible person.
- Shut up.
You know what else I did? - Oh, god.
- I performed An elaborate, uh, museum heist, Uh, just so I could steal a little-- One of those child mummies And have sex with it.
- Ugh.
- I mean, it's not that big of a deal.
- It's not? You--it's necrophilia.
Do you know what that word means? - It is necrophilia, yeah, having sex with a dead person.
I'm a necrophiliac.
Necrophiliacs know what necrophilia is.
- These are terrible admissions.
It's illegal.
- I got to have sex with something very young But very old at the same time.
- It's kind of like having sex with emmanuel lewis.
- Scott, that is disgusting.
- Look, uh, senator-to-be, You're not the senator to be.
I don't think anyone should vote for you.
Please don't vote for this man.
- [laughing.]
ohh! Guess what.
- You've ruined your chances.
- I've ruined my chances? - No one's gonna vote for you.
- Guess what.
- What? - There is no way That I am gonna lose Because I am in the pockets of the special interests.
- Oh! - Scott aukerman is a small, little man! [america the beautiful playing.]
'cause he believes that this country is One man, one vote, but I'll tell you what.
In reality, this country is one man, one vote, One politician having sex with a child mummy.
We'll be back to you after this commercial break.
- Hey, that's my line.
- Ah.
- Ow! You wanna stick around? - Yeah, I'd love to.
Thank you.
[funky synthesizer music.]
[hip-hop synthesizer music.]
- Great story.
- As he came back from commercials, Scott reflected on the most important moments Of his life-- When he welcomed david cross, When he caused a date-zaster.
But there was one last task For our host to accomplish.
- All right, I want to thank our guests.
That's been our show.
David cross, thank you so much.
- Thank you, reggie.
- Felix dewhurst.
Please don't run for senate, okay? - Okay.
- All right.
- And so scott thanked his guests, Kind soul that he is, And he said good night.
And with that, your humble narrator Brings the greatest story ever told To its conclusion.
Oh, you're probably still wondering About how I find myself involved in this story.
Well, I've always wanted to be a voiceover artist, So I got this janitor job at a tv studio.
After all, if you don't make your own breaks, who will? [chuckles.]
And remember, I do not work on weekends.
Good night.
[jazzy music.]
[engine revs, metal clangs.]
- The wolf dead.
- Absolutely.