Cooper's Bar (2022) s02e04 Episode Script

1
(driving music)
(car door slams)
Something in my
heart gone missing ♪
I never thought I
would lose my self ♪
But then there is no denying ♪
The fact I know I
wasn't ready for life ♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I can never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there
is somethin more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I don't have a reason ♪
(lively jazz music)
(lively jazz music continues)
- Hey, how you doing?
Cooper Marino, actor.
- David Butler, director.
- Brandon Washington, writer.
Hey, man.
- Have a good one.
All right, boys.
(lively jazz music continues)
Listen, things might get
a little crazy for me
at this point.
I'm the star,
and people are gonna kind
of start kissing my ass,
but I want you to know
that no matter how many
(bleep) jobs they give me,
or how big I get,
you guys always come first.
- Careful, Coops.
I'm English, I'm not
good with emotion.
- Come on.
- Hey grandpa, you gonna stand
there like a circus monkey,
or are you gonna open it up?
- Sure. Sorry.
- Coffees.
Hazelnut syrup, ooh,
it's giving me flashbacks
of my ninth grade boyfriend.
Take that.
Oh yeah, both of them.
Oh, okay.
(light jazz music)
- Cooper Marino.
- Oh, okay.
Cooper, Cooper.
- David,
help Cooper.
- Well, now you're
a big shot writer,
you can't help, Brandon?
- Brandon, here's yours.
And here's Carter's,
Flynn's and Karen's.
They're waiting for you
in the writer's room.
- Ah.
- And you're David, right?
- Yep.
- [Cassie] David Butler?
- Right.
- Director.
- Indeed I am.
- I've got you a cup of tea.
- Blimey.
- You need to head to
the director's office,
down the hall on the left.
You've got meetings with HODs.
- Cosmic.
What are HODs?
- I'm not seeing
your coffee order.
I'm so sorry. We're so busy.
We've got three
shows growing up.
- It's "Cooper's Bar."
I'm here for the
casting session.
- Oh, honey!
Yeah, you're early.
Casting doesn't start
'til this afternoon.
You know, why don't
you take a seat,
settle in, and I'll
tell you what, okay?
Help me hand out the
rest of these coffees,
and I'll put your headshot
at the top of the pile.
Okay?
(quirky music)
- Naff off, Antonia.
(suspenseful music)
(suspenseful music continues)
- If Cooper is really just
this schlumpy, mid-level actor
with a weird little
bar in his backyard,
why are we making
a show about him?
- I see where you're going.
He's a spy,
an elite spy.
- Cooper is as elite
as his hatchback.
- I'm thinking Mossad.
- Mossad without saying Mossad.
- Right, deep state mind control
(bleep) shadow government.
- Yeah, a far
reaching conspiracy
we never have to explain.
- Or, can I try a pitch?
- Sure. Brandon, go ahead.
- In my mind, I'm thinking
why don't we kind of go
with what actually happened?
- I don't get it.
- I see a show
about a straight talking guy
who puts his friends
above himself,
and his common sense
triumphs over the myopia
of these Hollywood elites.
- I'm not really feeling it.
How would that work exactly?
- Okay.
Cooper Marino
lures a studio exec
into a hot wings
chicken eating contest.
(chicken crunches)
(crowd chatters)
That Cooper Marino
ultimately wins.
(crowd cheers)
- [Crowd] Cooper!
Cooper! Cooper!
(writers laugh)
- Wow, Brandon.
Why don't you take
a breather outside
and write some more cold opens.
(quirky music)
- [Receptionist] Remmet
Studios, front desk.
- Get your face away from that.
Did you just breathe all
over my (bleep) chagaccino?
How do you expect
these mushrooms
to fortify my immune system
if they're all mixed in with
whatever you just exhaled
out of your face anus.
- What the hell are
you even doing here?
- Well, it turns out I have
something Cyrus Long wants.
- Oh, what is he
looking for? Jesus?
- Even better. Talent.
You ever heard of
Britney Lasker?
- Yeah. Everyone's
heard of Britney Lasker.
- Yeah. Her Netflix
special, "Come Inside,"
went stratospheric.
But did you know that
she's a Christian?
And she's in an overall
deal with me at Ascension?
- Her special was an hour
and a half of (bleep) jokes.
- I know, right?
Christians, they don't even
pretend to give a (bleep).
(glass squeaks)
It's hilarious.
I mean, word on the
street is that Cyrus Long
is looking for a star to
headline his new sitcom.
- Bullshit.
- Well, I certainly didn't think
he was gonna risk his
studio on some has been
trying to get his SAG hours.
And lucky for me, buying
Britney's contract
is not gonna be cheap.
(light jazz music)
It's fine.
- You look amazing.
- Ms. Latimer, we really
need to get you to
(Cassie gasps)
Oh my God.
Oh my God, you're
Britney Lasker!
- What? I am?
- I'm your biggest fan!
Oh, Cooper, get Ms.
Lasker her coffee.
- Thank you so much.
(Britney screams)
- Cooper!
Mr. Long will see you
both straight away.
- Oh, great.
- Follow me.
He's funny.
- Okay.
Thank you.
(suspenseful music)
(suspenseful music continues)
(Griff knocks on door)
- Come in!
HODs are in the house!
Don't tell me. You are
a production designer.
Too easy.
(light jazz music)
- I'm a DP.
- I love production.
The camaraderie of the set,
working towards a common goal.
Sharing your fears, your dreams,
making something
beautiful together.
Falling in love over
the sound of film stop
spooling through the reel.
(indistinct)
Bear skin rug.
And the movie doesn't sell.
There's acrimony.
You get behind on your bills,
you lose your house.
She leaves that beautiful house.
(Griff clears throat)
So you set out to America,
and you make a new start.
And it's "Cooper's Bar."
No, no, no, no. Don't,
don't, don't do that.
Don't do that.
It's all in here.
Don't worry.
This captain is
gonna sail this ship
through the rocky
waters of half hour TV.
- Are all these
red dots cameras?
Are you saying every wall
on the set has to be wild?
I mean what?
- Wild. Yes.
A wild, wild set.
Let's look at this
in baseball terms.
You're the bowler.
- Pitcher?
- Why not?
And I'm the wicket keeper.
- Catcher?
- Yeah, hopefully
with that big glove.
But we're playing
on a sticky wicket.
You want to bowl a maiden over,
so you lub up your googly.
It gets tickled
down the fine leg,
or blasted through silly point.
Penetrating the covers.
Not to worry,
because I will be
covering your stumps.
- I have no idea what
you're talking about.
- Baseball. It's
just like cricket.
Could you send in the
costume department?
- I guess (bleep)
(playful music)
- Oh, clothes.
(Cooper snores)
- [Receptionist] Remmet Studios.
- Cooper!
Hey, you ready to start
casting this bad boy?
- Yeah.
(executive groans)
- Gummy bear ass.
You can have that. Come on.
They're all waiting
for us on stage.
I'll meet you in there.
(playful music continues)
(playful music continues)
- Hey.
- Hey.
Is this your office?
- Yep. My own personal fiefdom.
- Wow. Hmm.
So how'd it go this morning?
- Good. Good
Good.
- Good. That's really good.
How was your morning?
- Good.
- Look out, look out!
Director coming through.
Come on gentlemen.
We've got a show to cast.
(desk scrapes)
- Wait!
- The Hollywood dream machine.
I love the smell of
celluloid in the morning.
- Nobody could smell shit
over that cheap ass cologne.
- Brandon, just get back
to that broom cupboard
and write some half-baked jokes.
- Really, guys? Guys, guys.
That's Zora Leone.
She's the biggest
casting director
of multi-camera television,
and I've auditioned for
her a million times.
She never, ever hires me.
I could do Olivier-level work.
Not even a callback.
- Team Cooper!
Zora.
- David Butler, director.
- Hi. Cooper Marino
playing Cooper Marino.
- Zora Leone, casting.
Hello, Cooper.
I didn't realize you were
still alive. Good for you.
(light jazz music)
We've got a lot of
talent in today,
and we are thinking we'd
like to have you read.
- Oh me read? Me read?
You want
You, I'm,
I'm reading?
Jesus Christ.
Get Cyrus Long down here
right now, all right?
I bust my balls in this
bullshit business for 30 years.
I burnt my asshole
for this role,
and I get here and I spend
the morning as the coffee boy,
and now you're asking
me to (bleep) read?
I gotta read?
- With the other actors,
who are auditioning
for the other roles.
- Oh.
- He can do that.
- Okay. I can't.
I can't. I can't do this.
- You can't read with
a couple of actors?
- Dave, I'm the wacky neighbor.
I'm the gas station attendant.
I'm the salty cab driver.
I go in, I say my lines,
I don't drop the props.
I get a few laughs.
Everyone says,
"Great job, Cooper,"
and I go home.
I've never been
the lead of a show,
or anything.
- Cooper, brother,
you have to believe.
- Yeah. Even if
you don't believe,
act like you believe.
- Yeah, Coops,
you are the star,
the head honcho,
the big cheese,
the grand fromage.
- Right, right.
- Right!
It's my show.
- Yeah.
- It's my show.
- Yeah.
It's my show.
- Guys, are we doing this?
We have a pilot to cast.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're doing it.
Shall we call a first actor?
(percussive music)
(percussive music continues)
- Cooper, you geezer!
I love a cup of tea.
(casting execs laugh)
And you can tell that
pizza to get stuffed.
- [Cooper] Double shot
coming right over.
- [Peter] That's wrong.
I'd love a cup of tea.
- [Cooper] I'll heat
up the buffalo wings.
- I want fish and ruddy
chips, you wanker.
- Oh my God, Peter,
you are the funniest.
- Dying. I'm dying.
- Well, Barstow River
College, what do you expect?
- Can I be the one who says it?
- Yes.
- Peter, you're hired.
- Namaste.
(light jazz music)
- Listen, Zora, how
is the cabin in Aspen?
- Cooper, you can't
let this happen.
Nobody talks like that.
- You do.
- No, I don't.
Come on, Cooper.
You gotta overrule.
- I like him.
- Welcome to the Cooper-verse.
- He's as English as a
pumpkin spiced hot dog.
- Now, well maybe that's funny.
- Alright, I'm the
director. I'll overrule,
or this show is
gonna get canceled
before they've even
started filming.
- Sit down.
- (Bleep) now.
(percussive jazz music)
- She's planning on
squeezing me out,
which means you're
out too, Brenda?
- Not if we go with the plan
that's just been
hatched by Cooper's
newly promoted director of
social media content creation.
Hey!
- What?
- We do not need to
see one more second,
because what could
be better than that?
- We found our Brandon.
- You are hired.
- Yeah!
- Good. Good job.
(Tina cries)
(light jazz music)
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you!
(Tina cries)
- Cooper, seriously?
You can't let that happen.
- Oh, I'm fine with it, Brandon.
- You know it's not right, Coop.
Brandon's not Brenda.
- What do you expect me to do?
These guys actually have
experience making TV.
Have either of you considered
they might know
what they're doing?
- Cooper, you are the star.
- Yeah. And you're the writer,
and you're the director,
so why don't you
write and you direct.
I could give two shits
about production.
I have a script and someone's
gonna tell me where to stand.
Job done.
So either sit there
sipping your coconut water
and eating your
shrimp cocktails,
or do your jobs.
(quirky music)
(Cooper sighs)
- You're doing a good job.
- Vita Coco, spiked
with Captain Morgan.
It's lovely.
- Mm-hm.
- Well folks, look
who I just freed
from the clutches of
her Ascension contract.
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I present the future
of our historic studio,
Britney Lasker!
- Oh my god!
Britney Lasker!
- The one and only,
and believe it or not,
she's willing to play Kris
Latimer and "Cooper's Bar."
- [Karen] Oh my gosh. Thank God.
- Want you to meet the team.
- Hi, hi, hi!
- Oh my God, no way!
I mean, "Eat Out of
This" is literally
the best show on television.
I mean, I
Okay, I gotta ask,
is that really your,
you know on the poster?
- Oh, sure as shit it is, girl.
A selfie of my armpit.
- Oh!
Okay?
Or is it?
- Oh my god.
I mean we have a real
star now, an A-lister.
And a D-lister.
- [Zora] Yeah. We might
actually get on the air.
- Do your job, director.
- Hi. David Butler, director.
I have to hear you read.
- Read what?
A bed time story?
(Cyrus laughs)
- Or not read.
Also good.
Would anyone want a Vita Coco?
- No. Hey, I, dude,
I'm (bleep) with you.
I'll read.
Sure. Where's the,
where's Cooper?
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Coffee guy!
(percussive jazz music)
I sent down my dildo
of development.
- Thank you. My line.
- Down here with
one simple task,
but she couldn't even do it.
So I'm taking matters
into my own hands.
Listen here, you little runt.
I haven't worked my
way up to the top
of the Hollywood food chain
for men like you
to ruin it for me.
(Britney imitates gunfire)
- Cut. That's not in the script.
- Excuse me.
Brandon, you are
just the writer.
Only the director
gets to say cut.
- This is TV and
the writer is king.
- And the director
is the president,
and we're disbanding
the monarchy.
- Oh, well when the
president's a pussy,
somebody's gotta step in.
- Oh, and that's you, is it?
Hollywood's gone
right to your bonds.
Get off my set.
You can't kick me off
the set. I'm the writer.
- And I'm the director.
(Brandon groans)
(people clamor)
- Who gets to say cut? Huh?
Who can say cut?
- Brandon! Brandon says cut!
- [Brandon] And cut!
- Come on, come on.
- Okay, okay, all right.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I'm the director.
I walked in, that's my crew.
- That's just not cricket, mate.
- [David] Get off!
Take me to Mark.
- Of course not.
- I'm sorry.
- No, I can't. I can't.
I'm sorry.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I'm not doing that.
- This is just normal
creative differences.
It happens all the time.
It's just part of the lively
process of great television.
- Don't know what
you are saying.
That's psychotic.
I love you, Cy.
I just, you promised me
that I'd be able to play,
and I'm just, I'm not
gonna be in the sandpit
with those chumps.
It's not happening.
- Britney, Britney. No, look.
You don't have to be.
Look, Cooper's a
professional, an old hand.
This could be his last shot.
And he knows that you have to
have the right creative team.
Even if that means replacing
his oldest friends,
right, Cooper?
(dramatic music)
(upbeat music)
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I can never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there
is somethin more than I want ♪
Sometimes I feel
like I don't have a ♪
Sometimes I feel like I can
turn the world upside down ♪
Sometimes I feel like
I can never be wrong ♪
Sometimes I feel like there
is somethin more than I want ♪