Corporate (2017) s02e04 Episode Script
Thanks!
1 [Melancholy music playing.]
[Telephones ringing.]
[Copier whirring.]
[Crying.]
[Banging.]
[The Free Design's "I Found Love" plays.]
I found love Didn't even know I needed it But I found love Never even crossed my mind I found love Had a garden, never weeded it But I found love Took an apple just in time I found love in the fall And it did not Dogs are disgusting creatures.
They smell, their mouths are too wet, and they constantly demand your attention like dumb, slutty babies.
People think they're cute, when really they're just over-bread mutants too stupid to beg for death.
They turn people into complete idiots.
[Distorted.]
[Gasps.]
There's a dog?! I found love in this world And my heart strings just unfurled I found love in the spring [Distorted.]
I'm your mommy.
[Keyboard clacking.]
My exclamation-point key broke.
That feels like a metaphor.
JAKE: It'll never get fixed.
I submitted a work ticket to get my chair fixed three months ago.
Lloyd gets to things eventually.
Lloyd should be fired, and you know it.
The only reason you're defending him is 'cause of that damn dog.
[Gasps.]
Edie! You fucking motherfucking fuck.
- [Edie panting.]
- Does Edie want some granola? Do not feed it! It'll associate this office with food.
She's a she, and her name is Edie.
Isn't that right, Edie? You're all girl, and I'm your mommy.
If the apocalypse came, you'd eat that dog in a second.
Well, then, we'd eat Pebbles, too.
No, we would not! I'd kill us both, and she'd eat our bodies, and we'd live inside of Pebbles forever.
I'm not going inside Pebbles.
You're getting in there.
G O-O D.
Where is that exclamation point? Hey, Lloyd.
I believe this is your mongrel.
Oh, Edie.
[Baby-talking.]
Did you go a-wanderin' again? Lloyd, you know dogs aren't allowed in the office.
[Normal voice.]
Yeah, well, she's a little outlaw.
- Aren't you a little outlaw? - Ugh.
[Baby-talking.]
Yeah, we gonna put you into puppy jail.
Also, I wanted to check on the status of my chair.
- Mwah! - I put in a ticket.
[Normal voice.]
Okay, uh, did you put in a ticket? Yes.
I've actually put in eight tickets.
Mm, yeah.
They must've canceled each other out.
Okay, the system doesn't like it when you submit more than one ticket.
It's been three months.
I have a bad back.
I'm suffering, Lloyd.
Listen, I am on your side, but it's just, ugh, I got to do the tickets in order.
What ticket are you working on right now? The fax machine is broken, so I contacted the fax company, and now I am waiting for them to fax me back.
They can't fax you back because the fax machine is broken.
I know.
It is frustrating.
Now he's fixated on a stupid fax machine, all while that untamed beast floods the office with its slobber.
He needs to be fired ASAP.
Aw, Jake.
One thing you're gonna learn as an executive is that you don't get to fire everyone you want.
It's true.
If John and I got to fire everyone we wanted, you wouldn't be standing here right now.
Lloyd's been at Hampton DeVille for, what, 20 years? I mean, the employment contracts back then were ironclad.
Luckily, we've since fixed those errors.
New employee contracts are at-will, meaning recent hires, like Matt, we can fire at any time for any reason.
Matt is chum.
- More like chum bait.
- [Laughs.]
He's the chum we use to catch the chum.
In the food chain of chum, he's, like, not even food.
Sub-chum.
He's like a chum's turd that just floats at the bottom of the sea.
That doesn't change the fact that Lloyd sucks at his job.
If you can gather a body of evidence of Lloyd causing egregious harm to the company, we'll fire him.
But you're gonna need a lot more than a cute doggy wandering into your office.
[Gasps.]
Speak of the doggy devil! There's my little cutie! You're my little cutie, aren't you? - Say you are.
- No, you're my little cutie.
- Say it! - [Edie whimpers.]
JAKE: And now he's fixated on a stupid fax machine, all while that untamed beast floods the office with its slobber.
He needs to be fired ASAP.
What the hell?! Somebody keeps stealing all the pinkies.
Pinkies are everyone's favorite.
Whoever did this is a criminal and not a criminal born from a broken system.
Someone who is pure evil, born a devil.
Grace, help me get Lloyd fired.
Nooo! Firing someone feels awful.
The only reason I would fire someone is if they did something monstrous and unforgivable.
Like picking out the pinkies.
Worthless! MATT: Hey.
[Gasps.]
Ohh! [Gasps.]
Edie came back.
Is that oven-roasted turkey? [Whispering.]
Yeah.
Out! [Edie whimpers.]
[Sighs.]
You know, ever since my exclamation point broke, I realize how much I overuse it in emails.
I used to add it to almost every sentence.
I feel like I sounded like Hi! My name's Matt! This is an email! I have some thoughts on the analytics report! Thanks! I sound like a fucking idiot! And yet you love dogs, the exclamation point of animals.
Listen to this email and tell me if it sounds okay without exclamation points.
I've attached the docs you've asked for.
I sent them last week.
I guess they got lost in your inbox.
Anyway, let me know if there's anything else you need help with.
Thanks.
You just used periods? Yeah.
Should be fine.
"I've attached the docs you asked for.
I sent them last week.
I guess they got lost in your inbox.
" [Scoffs.]
"Anyway, let me know if there's anything else you need help with.
Thanks.
" Did you get Matt's email?! This is an attack.
It's assault and battery.
It's both.
Should we confront him? No, he's the one with the problem.
He needs to fix it.
Because that email was truly twisted.
Did it also seem I know this sounds a little crazy, but Racist.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- 1,000%.
[Scoffs.]
- There's a racist in our midst.
- He's so racist.
[Candy wrapper rustles.]
[Exhales.]
Want a pinkie? [Baby-talking.]
And for Edie, 'cause she's a good girl, so she gets a pinkie.
Yes, she gets a pinkie.
You're so good.
[Smooches.]
[Telephones ringing.]
[Sighs.]
[Drawer closes, opens.]
[Choir vocalizes.]
Ow.
Where did you get this? I'll give you one guess.
- Fred.
- It's Lloyd.
He's been stockpiling them in his desk.
I sentence him to death.
This email is an act of terrorism.
This is emasculating.
It reminds me of talking to my auto mechanic.
Matt's clearly not in his right mind.
It might as well say, "Subject line: Fuck off.
Body: And die.
" All right, I'm just gonna shoot him a level-headed response and see if he comes to his senses.
Yeah.
[Exhales sharply.]
- "Hey Matt.
" - Good.
"Let us know if you're okay with helping us - with the presentation next week.
" - Next week, yes.
"Please let us know if you have any questions.
" - Yep.
- "Thanks.
" - Exclamation point! - Of course! "Best, Kate.
" - Ohh! - [Mouse click.]
- And let's just - Phew! take a few minutes to calm down and see if he responds.
Yeah.
[Sighs.]
- God.
- [Sighs.]
And, by the way, you are such a good writer.
Anytime you send me an email, I can't wait to click on it.
Really? Because sometimes I feel like I use too many commas.
No.
No, no, no, no.
I always appreciate the pause.
It's a moment to breathe.
- [Computer blips.]
- Bu [Exhales.]
[Mouse clicks.]
What the fuck?! [Sighs.]
He's replying way too fast.
He just basically took a big ol' shit in our inbox.
He just slapped us across the face with a hot fish.
[Computer whooshes.]
My new thing is I just respond to emails right away, and I've stripped out all the niceties that just waste time.
I feel like I've finally gotten good at my job.
- [Thud.]
- [Grunts.]
Great job, Matt.
Good for you, buddy.
You ready to nail this [bleep.]
dog-lovin' [bleep.]
-lookin' piece of shit? [Dog barks.]
So, how long has the light been a hazard like this? Well, my daughter turns 2 in January, so four years.
And you submitted a ticket? - [Cellphone camera clicks.]
- Yep.
Lloyd just hasn't gotten around to it yet.
Why are you covering for him?! Are you a dog-lover? You like doggies? [Dog barks.]
All you need to do is sign this formal complaint against Lloyd.
He's dead weight in the office, and you know it.
All you're doing is making this hard on yourself, and I'm gonna crack you open like an Easter egg.
You should listen to her.
She's fucked up, man.
[Pot shatters.]
[Cellphone camera clicks.]
Anybody asks, you didn't see shit, Perry! I know some fucked up people, and I'm one of them, and you don't want to meet them! Perry's cool.
He won't say shit.
Huh.
These dog treats? No.
Those are for me.
Oh, why don't you have one, then? No, thank you.
I'm not hungry.
[Smacks lips.]
Here we go.
Open up.
You've been a bad girl.
You deserve a treat.
- Eat it! - No.
Eat it! [Muffled shouting.]
- [Gags.]
- Eat it! Okay, so, to summarize, Hampton DeVille Toys' top earner, Skankz Dolls, is facing a boycott led by one of the nation's most powerful and litigious groups Moms Against Adolescent Horniness.
JOHN: So, they claim that the size of the Skankz's breasts are arousing children of all ages.
Bottom line, kids are horned out of their minds.
Yes.
So, we've been going back and forth with the toy division about possible solutions.
At first, we suggested adding areolae to make the toys more anatomically correct.
But this just made children hornier.
Horny as hell.
The children were borderline rabid.
So we told the team to remove the the areolae, but instead, they have somehow tripled in size? Which was never the goal.
At this point, communication with the toy division has become toxic.
I'd be happy to jump in as a liaison to try to resolve this.
I'm a good communicator, plus moms love me.
[Scattered chuckling.]
Hmm.
Okay, Mama's Boy.
You want it, you got it.
I'm just happy to take something off your plate.
Just don't forget that it's my plate, Matt.
My plate! John's plate.
That's Johnny's plate.
Yeah, it's your plate.
No problem.
[Urine trickling.]
- Ew.
- Ugh.
- KATE: Ew.
- [Zipper zips.]
JAKE: As you can see, Lloyd violated common decency by not washing his hands.
He then proceeded to the break room.
Which brings us to exhibit "B," for "bagels.
" These were perfectly edible bagels before Lloyd put his grimy fingers on each and every one of them before choosing to eat a doughnut instead.
We rest our case.
Unfortunately, all this proves is that you've been spending all your time doing this and not your jobs.
Listen, guys, no one is saying Lloyd's not terrible at his job.
He's a bad boy.
But if we fire him without a smoking gun, then he'll sue us for reverse racism or Upside-down ageism.
And it will cost the company more money than if we just let him keep working here.
Even a literal smoking gun won't cut it, unless you can also provide a bleeding body.
That's right.
[Computer blips.]
We have a code-red situation we need to deal with.
Out.
"Just looping you in.
" KATE: Now he's accusing us of being out of the loop! There's gonna be a loop around his neck, - the way he's going.
- [Growls.]
[Barks.]
JAKE: Here's our smoking gun.
Ow.
A piece of confetti? It's LSD.
I've been keeping it in my freezer for eight years, but I just haven't found a free day to have a life-changing experience.
Is this who we are now, Jake? Dirty cops planting evidence and force-feeding our coworkers dog treats? Don't you get soft on me now.
Society is crumbling because we give people like Lloyd a pass and allow mediocrity to flourish.
Not firing him means more superhero movies, more sitcoms about struggling comedians, and more people who don't decide what they're gonna order until they get to the cashier! Sometimes I want to know what the cashier likes.
Is this how you want to live, Grace, eating yellows like evolutionary chum? The drugs alone might not do it.
If we're gonna get dirty, then let's get fucking filthy.
[Drawer rattles.]
I confiscated these a while ago.
Hard-core drugs and soft-core porn a lethal combination.
Are these from the same person? Sexuality is fluid, Jake.
Oh, right.
I forgot.
[Telephones ringing.]
[Drawer opens.]
[Choir vocalizes.]
[Drawer closes.]
[Edie panting.]
Oh, Edie.
You're not gonna be around much longer, you little freak of nature.
You're a low-rent wolf who isn't fit to sniff a cat's asshole, and pinkies are for people.
- [Edie barks.]
- Ah! Ow! - [Fabric ripping.]
- Ah-ah! Edie, my arm! Ah! Ah! Ah! [Choir vocalizes.]
Hampton DeVille took no action when Lloyd illegally and continuously brought his monstrous dog into the office.
And now his dog has attacked and severely wounded a Jewish employee.
Which brings us to exhibit "B," this time for "blood.
" If you don't fire Lloyd, I'll sue this company into the ground.
Ah, now you're speaking our language.
This bleeding wound is definitely something we can work with.
- I love it.
- Love it.
Lloyd is chum.
Please do not drip on the carpet.
- But it's Jewish blood.
- Oh, it's Jewish blood.
It's a blessing, then.
Leave it.
And so, what I've landed on, and I think you're gonna like this, is removable, choose-your-own-size breasts.
The breast sizes will range from from AA to DD.
We've also developed optional areolae stickers, which will come in different shades and sizes and can be applied to the breasts if you choose.
Do you have any questions? Will the removable breasts be included with the dolls? Good question.
No.
They'll be sold separately, which will just increase profit margins.
Well, I guess you just have all the answers, Matt.
- [Snorts.]
- Thanks, Kate.
Now, I hopped on the phone with a few moms.
- Turns out, they still love me - [Scattered chuckles.]
and they really seem jazzed about this idea, so I am at the end of my rope with him.
He has really got my goat.
He's tied it up with your rope, and now he's at the end of it just a-yankin'.
It's complicated, because, technically, he's doing a good job.
Well, technically, Hitler did a good job, and we all know how complicated that got.
[Chuckles.]
Now, initially, we tried putting the dolls in turtlenecks.
Now, unfortunately, testing showed that that just made the dolls seem insecure, which shot horniness levels through the roof.
You learn something new every day, and that's what I learned last Tuesday.
Now, on Wednesday, what I learned was that my mom had a husband before my dad, and his name was Steve.
You've been a bad boy, Lloyd.
You ate the forbidden fruit.
- Now you shall be - [Candy rattles.]
cast into the valley of unemployment.
Bye-bye.
Harsher, Grace.
I want this to hurt him personally.
[Sighs.]
You fucked up, Lloyd! You got greedy with the fucking pinkies.
[Bleep.]
Fired! All right, we're getting somewhere.
Shall we reward ourselves? To justice being served.
Some people are weak, and I say let 'em die.
[Gulps, grunts.]
[Choking.]
Mmm.
So good.
Are you choking? I don't know CPR! Um, I'm I'm gonna Google it.
[Retching.]
Ah, the Wi-Fi is being shitty.
[Echoing.]
I'm just gonna film this.
[Heart beating slowly.]
Jake, don't make that face.
[Cellphone camera clicks.]
I found love Didn't even know I needed it But I found love Never even crossed my mind [Choir vocalizes.]
[Echoing.]
You gotta be careful with those pinkies.
I get it, though.
They're the best ones! Take it easy.
[Choir fades.]
It's not CPR.
It's the Heimlich.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know how to do that one, either.
Fuck you, Matt! You fucking emotional terrorist! You're fired! And I hope your father gets something incurable.
KATE: Harsher, John.
I want this to hurt him personally.
[Panting.]
You can't fire Lloyd.
Why not? Long story, but he saved my life, and now you can't fire him.
We already started the paperwork.
Are you sure? [Panting.]
Eh, nah.
Go ahead and fire him.
Thanks, guys.
Wow.
Life is wild.
Hmm, how about "Your mom's a harlot"? JOHN: That's nice.
Like an old-timey whore.
Come on, pinkies.
Where are mama's pinkies?! [Drawers rattle.]
Devil! [Drawer slams.]
I'm sad Lloyd's gone.
I miss Edie.
She attacked Jake.
Hey, I'm on Edie's side.
I guess I could take his keyboard.
You say "Matt," I'll say "you're," then we'll both say "fired.
" - Ooh, maybe we can harmonize.
- Ooh! - Matt - You're TOGETHER: Fired - [Cellphone bings.]
- Wup.
Well, speak of the email devil.
Let's see what he chose for his last words.
- Yeah.
- [Both clearing throats.]
"Just wanted to say" Oh, God.
"I really appreciate you bringing me onboard the Skankz project.
This has been an incredible opportunity.
- Thanks!" - Exclamation point.
"Best, Matt.
" [Exhales shakily.]
Um Oh.
That was incredible? In a word, eloquent.
In another word, exquisite.
It's almost like an email I would've written.
Let's not get carried away.
You're a true talent.
It's like all his toxic energy just [Inhales.]
got washed away in the warm rain of that exclamation point.
Anyone who can write an email like that deserves to keep their job.
[Both chuckle.]
JOHN: Wow.
MATT: Don't you feel bad about getting Lloyd fired? No.
He prevented me from accomplishing my dream, which is to die.
You hate dogs, you want to die, and you're the person I feel closest to in this world.
Life is wild.
[Thud.]
[Choir vocalizes.]
She's flirty, she's cute She's got removable breasts, to boot She's a Skankz MAN: Removable breasts sold separately.
ANNOUNCER: Uh-oh! These boys have gone bonkers! Some people have it together.
Not these boys! Shouldn't they be on anti-psychotic medication? Come here.
[Grunts.]
Definitely! But we stole their meds.
Who's a good girl who got Daddy a severance package, huh? And they really seem jazzed about this idea.
They really seemed jazzed about this idea, and so that made me jazzed.
And when I was talking to the moms, we really got into it about gender politics, and that made me jazzed.
[Telephones ringing.]
[Copier whirring.]
[Crying.]
[Banging.]
[The Free Design's "I Found Love" plays.]
I found love Didn't even know I needed it But I found love Never even crossed my mind I found love Had a garden, never weeded it But I found love Took an apple just in time I found love in the fall And it did not Dogs are disgusting creatures.
They smell, their mouths are too wet, and they constantly demand your attention like dumb, slutty babies.
People think they're cute, when really they're just over-bread mutants too stupid to beg for death.
They turn people into complete idiots.
[Distorted.]
[Gasps.]
There's a dog?! I found love in this world And my heart strings just unfurled I found love in the spring [Distorted.]
I'm your mommy.
[Keyboard clacking.]
My exclamation-point key broke.
That feels like a metaphor.
JAKE: It'll never get fixed.
I submitted a work ticket to get my chair fixed three months ago.
Lloyd gets to things eventually.
Lloyd should be fired, and you know it.
The only reason you're defending him is 'cause of that damn dog.
[Gasps.]
Edie! You fucking motherfucking fuck.
- [Edie panting.]
- Does Edie want some granola? Do not feed it! It'll associate this office with food.
She's a she, and her name is Edie.
Isn't that right, Edie? You're all girl, and I'm your mommy.
If the apocalypse came, you'd eat that dog in a second.
Well, then, we'd eat Pebbles, too.
No, we would not! I'd kill us both, and she'd eat our bodies, and we'd live inside of Pebbles forever.
I'm not going inside Pebbles.
You're getting in there.
G O-O D.
Where is that exclamation point? Hey, Lloyd.
I believe this is your mongrel.
Oh, Edie.
[Baby-talking.]
Did you go a-wanderin' again? Lloyd, you know dogs aren't allowed in the office.
[Normal voice.]
Yeah, well, she's a little outlaw.
- Aren't you a little outlaw? - Ugh.
[Baby-talking.]
Yeah, we gonna put you into puppy jail.
Also, I wanted to check on the status of my chair.
- Mwah! - I put in a ticket.
[Normal voice.]
Okay, uh, did you put in a ticket? Yes.
I've actually put in eight tickets.
Mm, yeah.
They must've canceled each other out.
Okay, the system doesn't like it when you submit more than one ticket.
It's been three months.
I have a bad back.
I'm suffering, Lloyd.
Listen, I am on your side, but it's just, ugh, I got to do the tickets in order.
What ticket are you working on right now? The fax machine is broken, so I contacted the fax company, and now I am waiting for them to fax me back.
They can't fax you back because the fax machine is broken.
I know.
It is frustrating.
Now he's fixated on a stupid fax machine, all while that untamed beast floods the office with its slobber.
He needs to be fired ASAP.
Aw, Jake.
One thing you're gonna learn as an executive is that you don't get to fire everyone you want.
It's true.
If John and I got to fire everyone we wanted, you wouldn't be standing here right now.
Lloyd's been at Hampton DeVille for, what, 20 years? I mean, the employment contracts back then were ironclad.
Luckily, we've since fixed those errors.
New employee contracts are at-will, meaning recent hires, like Matt, we can fire at any time for any reason.
Matt is chum.
- More like chum bait.
- [Laughs.]
He's the chum we use to catch the chum.
In the food chain of chum, he's, like, not even food.
Sub-chum.
He's like a chum's turd that just floats at the bottom of the sea.
That doesn't change the fact that Lloyd sucks at his job.
If you can gather a body of evidence of Lloyd causing egregious harm to the company, we'll fire him.
But you're gonna need a lot more than a cute doggy wandering into your office.
[Gasps.]
Speak of the doggy devil! There's my little cutie! You're my little cutie, aren't you? - Say you are.
- No, you're my little cutie.
- Say it! - [Edie whimpers.]
JAKE: And now he's fixated on a stupid fax machine, all while that untamed beast floods the office with its slobber.
He needs to be fired ASAP.
What the hell?! Somebody keeps stealing all the pinkies.
Pinkies are everyone's favorite.
Whoever did this is a criminal and not a criminal born from a broken system.
Someone who is pure evil, born a devil.
Grace, help me get Lloyd fired.
Nooo! Firing someone feels awful.
The only reason I would fire someone is if they did something monstrous and unforgivable.
Like picking out the pinkies.
Worthless! MATT: Hey.
[Gasps.]
Ohh! [Gasps.]
Edie came back.
Is that oven-roasted turkey? [Whispering.]
Yeah.
Out! [Edie whimpers.]
[Sighs.]
You know, ever since my exclamation point broke, I realize how much I overuse it in emails.
I used to add it to almost every sentence.
I feel like I sounded like Hi! My name's Matt! This is an email! I have some thoughts on the analytics report! Thanks! I sound like a fucking idiot! And yet you love dogs, the exclamation point of animals.
Listen to this email and tell me if it sounds okay without exclamation points.
I've attached the docs you've asked for.
I sent them last week.
I guess they got lost in your inbox.
Anyway, let me know if there's anything else you need help with.
Thanks.
You just used periods? Yeah.
Should be fine.
"I've attached the docs you asked for.
I sent them last week.
I guess they got lost in your inbox.
" [Scoffs.]
"Anyway, let me know if there's anything else you need help with.
Thanks.
" Did you get Matt's email?! This is an attack.
It's assault and battery.
It's both.
Should we confront him? No, he's the one with the problem.
He needs to fix it.
Because that email was truly twisted.
Did it also seem I know this sounds a little crazy, but Racist.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- 1,000%.
[Scoffs.]
- There's a racist in our midst.
- He's so racist.
[Candy wrapper rustles.]
[Exhales.]
Want a pinkie? [Baby-talking.]
And for Edie, 'cause she's a good girl, so she gets a pinkie.
Yes, she gets a pinkie.
You're so good.
[Smooches.]
[Telephones ringing.]
[Sighs.]
[Drawer closes, opens.]
[Choir vocalizes.]
Ow.
Where did you get this? I'll give you one guess.
- Fred.
- It's Lloyd.
He's been stockpiling them in his desk.
I sentence him to death.
This email is an act of terrorism.
This is emasculating.
It reminds me of talking to my auto mechanic.
Matt's clearly not in his right mind.
It might as well say, "Subject line: Fuck off.
Body: And die.
" All right, I'm just gonna shoot him a level-headed response and see if he comes to his senses.
Yeah.
[Exhales sharply.]
- "Hey Matt.
" - Good.
"Let us know if you're okay with helping us - with the presentation next week.
" - Next week, yes.
"Please let us know if you have any questions.
" - Yep.
- "Thanks.
" - Exclamation point! - Of course! "Best, Kate.
" - Ohh! - [Mouse click.]
- And let's just - Phew! take a few minutes to calm down and see if he responds.
Yeah.
[Sighs.]
- God.
- [Sighs.]
And, by the way, you are such a good writer.
Anytime you send me an email, I can't wait to click on it.
Really? Because sometimes I feel like I use too many commas.
No.
No, no, no, no.
I always appreciate the pause.
It's a moment to breathe.
- [Computer blips.]
- Bu [Exhales.]
[Mouse clicks.]
What the fuck?! [Sighs.]
He's replying way too fast.
He just basically took a big ol' shit in our inbox.
He just slapped us across the face with a hot fish.
[Computer whooshes.]
My new thing is I just respond to emails right away, and I've stripped out all the niceties that just waste time.
I feel like I've finally gotten good at my job.
- [Thud.]
- [Grunts.]
Great job, Matt.
Good for you, buddy.
You ready to nail this [bleep.]
dog-lovin' [bleep.]
-lookin' piece of shit? [Dog barks.]
So, how long has the light been a hazard like this? Well, my daughter turns 2 in January, so four years.
And you submitted a ticket? - [Cellphone camera clicks.]
- Yep.
Lloyd just hasn't gotten around to it yet.
Why are you covering for him?! Are you a dog-lover? You like doggies? [Dog barks.]
All you need to do is sign this formal complaint against Lloyd.
He's dead weight in the office, and you know it.
All you're doing is making this hard on yourself, and I'm gonna crack you open like an Easter egg.
You should listen to her.
She's fucked up, man.
[Pot shatters.]
[Cellphone camera clicks.]
Anybody asks, you didn't see shit, Perry! I know some fucked up people, and I'm one of them, and you don't want to meet them! Perry's cool.
He won't say shit.
Huh.
These dog treats? No.
Those are for me.
Oh, why don't you have one, then? No, thank you.
I'm not hungry.
[Smacks lips.]
Here we go.
Open up.
You've been a bad girl.
You deserve a treat.
- Eat it! - No.
Eat it! [Muffled shouting.]
- [Gags.]
- Eat it! Okay, so, to summarize, Hampton DeVille Toys' top earner, Skankz Dolls, is facing a boycott led by one of the nation's most powerful and litigious groups Moms Against Adolescent Horniness.
JOHN: So, they claim that the size of the Skankz's breasts are arousing children of all ages.
Bottom line, kids are horned out of their minds.
Yes.
So, we've been going back and forth with the toy division about possible solutions.
At first, we suggested adding areolae to make the toys more anatomically correct.
But this just made children hornier.
Horny as hell.
The children were borderline rabid.
So we told the team to remove the the areolae, but instead, they have somehow tripled in size? Which was never the goal.
At this point, communication with the toy division has become toxic.
I'd be happy to jump in as a liaison to try to resolve this.
I'm a good communicator, plus moms love me.
[Scattered chuckling.]
Hmm.
Okay, Mama's Boy.
You want it, you got it.
I'm just happy to take something off your plate.
Just don't forget that it's my plate, Matt.
My plate! John's plate.
That's Johnny's plate.
Yeah, it's your plate.
No problem.
[Urine trickling.]
- Ew.
- Ugh.
- KATE: Ew.
- [Zipper zips.]
JAKE: As you can see, Lloyd violated common decency by not washing his hands.
He then proceeded to the break room.
Which brings us to exhibit "B," for "bagels.
" These were perfectly edible bagels before Lloyd put his grimy fingers on each and every one of them before choosing to eat a doughnut instead.
We rest our case.
Unfortunately, all this proves is that you've been spending all your time doing this and not your jobs.
Listen, guys, no one is saying Lloyd's not terrible at his job.
He's a bad boy.
But if we fire him without a smoking gun, then he'll sue us for reverse racism or Upside-down ageism.
And it will cost the company more money than if we just let him keep working here.
Even a literal smoking gun won't cut it, unless you can also provide a bleeding body.
That's right.
[Computer blips.]
We have a code-red situation we need to deal with.
Out.
"Just looping you in.
" KATE: Now he's accusing us of being out of the loop! There's gonna be a loop around his neck, - the way he's going.
- [Growls.]
[Barks.]
JAKE: Here's our smoking gun.
Ow.
A piece of confetti? It's LSD.
I've been keeping it in my freezer for eight years, but I just haven't found a free day to have a life-changing experience.
Is this who we are now, Jake? Dirty cops planting evidence and force-feeding our coworkers dog treats? Don't you get soft on me now.
Society is crumbling because we give people like Lloyd a pass and allow mediocrity to flourish.
Not firing him means more superhero movies, more sitcoms about struggling comedians, and more people who don't decide what they're gonna order until they get to the cashier! Sometimes I want to know what the cashier likes.
Is this how you want to live, Grace, eating yellows like evolutionary chum? The drugs alone might not do it.
If we're gonna get dirty, then let's get fucking filthy.
[Drawer rattles.]
I confiscated these a while ago.
Hard-core drugs and soft-core porn a lethal combination.
Are these from the same person? Sexuality is fluid, Jake.
Oh, right.
I forgot.
[Telephones ringing.]
[Drawer opens.]
[Choir vocalizes.]
[Drawer closes.]
[Edie panting.]
Oh, Edie.
You're not gonna be around much longer, you little freak of nature.
You're a low-rent wolf who isn't fit to sniff a cat's asshole, and pinkies are for people.
- [Edie barks.]
- Ah! Ow! - [Fabric ripping.]
- Ah-ah! Edie, my arm! Ah! Ah! Ah! [Choir vocalizes.]
Hampton DeVille took no action when Lloyd illegally and continuously brought his monstrous dog into the office.
And now his dog has attacked and severely wounded a Jewish employee.
Which brings us to exhibit "B," this time for "blood.
" If you don't fire Lloyd, I'll sue this company into the ground.
Ah, now you're speaking our language.
This bleeding wound is definitely something we can work with.
- I love it.
- Love it.
Lloyd is chum.
Please do not drip on the carpet.
- But it's Jewish blood.
- Oh, it's Jewish blood.
It's a blessing, then.
Leave it.
And so, what I've landed on, and I think you're gonna like this, is removable, choose-your-own-size breasts.
The breast sizes will range from from AA to DD.
We've also developed optional areolae stickers, which will come in different shades and sizes and can be applied to the breasts if you choose.
Do you have any questions? Will the removable breasts be included with the dolls? Good question.
No.
They'll be sold separately, which will just increase profit margins.
Well, I guess you just have all the answers, Matt.
- [Snorts.]
- Thanks, Kate.
Now, I hopped on the phone with a few moms.
- Turns out, they still love me - [Scattered chuckles.]
and they really seem jazzed about this idea, so I am at the end of my rope with him.
He has really got my goat.
He's tied it up with your rope, and now he's at the end of it just a-yankin'.
It's complicated, because, technically, he's doing a good job.
Well, technically, Hitler did a good job, and we all know how complicated that got.
[Chuckles.]
Now, initially, we tried putting the dolls in turtlenecks.
Now, unfortunately, testing showed that that just made the dolls seem insecure, which shot horniness levels through the roof.
You learn something new every day, and that's what I learned last Tuesday.
Now, on Wednesday, what I learned was that my mom had a husband before my dad, and his name was Steve.
You've been a bad boy, Lloyd.
You ate the forbidden fruit.
- Now you shall be - [Candy rattles.]
cast into the valley of unemployment.
Bye-bye.
Harsher, Grace.
I want this to hurt him personally.
[Sighs.]
You fucked up, Lloyd! You got greedy with the fucking pinkies.
[Bleep.]
Fired! All right, we're getting somewhere.
Shall we reward ourselves? To justice being served.
Some people are weak, and I say let 'em die.
[Gulps, grunts.]
[Choking.]
Mmm.
So good.
Are you choking? I don't know CPR! Um, I'm I'm gonna Google it.
[Retching.]
Ah, the Wi-Fi is being shitty.
[Echoing.]
I'm just gonna film this.
[Heart beating slowly.]
Jake, don't make that face.
[Cellphone camera clicks.]
I found love Didn't even know I needed it But I found love Never even crossed my mind [Choir vocalizes.]
[Echoing.]
You gotta be careful with those pinkies.
I get it, though.
They're the best ones! Take it easy.
[Choir fades.]
It's not CPR.
It's the Heimlich.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know how to do that one, either.
Fuck you, Matt! You fucking emotional terrorist! You're fired! And I hope your father gets something incurable.
KATE: Harsher, John.
I want this to hurt him personally.
[Panting.]
You can't fire Lloyd.
Why not? Long story, but he saved my life, and now you can't fire him.
We already started the paperwork.
Are you sure? [Panting.]
Eh, nah.
Go ahead and fire him.
Thanks, guys.
Wow.
Life is wild.
Hmm, how about "Your mom's a harlot"? JOHN: That's nice.
Like an old-timey whore.
Come on, pinkies.
Where are mama's pinkies?! [Drawers rattle.]
Devil! [Drawer slams.]
I'm sad Lloyd's gone.
I miss Edie.
She attacked Jake.
Hey, I'm on Edie's side.
I guess I could take his keyboard.
You say "Matt," I'll say "you're," then we'll both say "fired.
" - Ooh, maybe we can harmonize.
- Ooh! - Matt - You're TOGETHER: Fired - [Cellphone bings.]
- Wup.
Well, speak of the email devil.
Let's see what he chose for his last words.
- Yeah.
- [Both clearing throats.]
"Just wanted to say" Oh, God.
"I really appreciate you bringing me onboard the Skankz project.
This has been an incredible opportunity.
- Thanks!" - Exclamation point.
"Best, Matt.
" [Exhales shakily.]
Um Oh.
That was incredible? In a word, eloquent.
In another word, exquisite.
It's almost like an email I would've written.
Let's not get carried away.
You're a true talent.
It's like all his toxic energy just [Inhales.]
got washed away in the warm rain of that exclamation point.
Anyone who can write an email like that deserves to keep their job.
[Both chuckle.]
JOHN: Wow.
MATT: Don't you feel bad about getting Lloyd fired? No.
He prevented me from accomplishing my dream, which is to die.
You hate dogs, you want to die, and you're the person I feel closest to in this world.
Life is wild.
[Thud.]
[Choir vocalizes.]
She's flirty, she's cute She's got removable breasts, to boot She's a Skankz MAN: Removable breasts sold separately.
ANNOUNCER: Uh-oh! These boys have gone bonkers! Some people have it together.
Not these boys! Shouldn't they be on anti-psychotic medication? Come here.
[Grunts.]
Definitely! But we stole their meds.
Who's a good girl who got Daddy a severance package, huh? And they really seem jazzed about this idea.
They really seemed jazzed about this idea, and so that made me jazzed.
And when I was talking to the moms, we really got into it about gender politics, and that made me jazzed.