Cougar Town s02e04 Episode Script

Who wants to see me swallow a sword? We've already lost Bobby.
I do! Dazzle me, brother! - What's up, Grayson? - Hey, how you doing? - Hi, Jules.
- Hi, Matt.
- You guys know each other? - Yeah, we play roller hockey together.
How do you two know each other? Grayson, there's like 1,000 different ways that people know each other.
For some reason, I can't think of any right now, but - You two slept together.
- No.
- Yes.
- Yes, but it was just one night.
- But it was a lot.
- Now it's coming back to me.
You wouldn't shut up then either.
Well, it's official.
Grayson knows I'm a giant ho.
- You hid it for as long as you could.
- Yeah.
We both slept with other people before we got together.
Yeah, we did.
- You really wanna high-five that? - No, I don't.
Look, I don't care about your past, especially with guys like Matt.
- He wears a visor to roller hockey.
- Are you kidding me? - Ugh.
- Visor douche.
- Yeah.
- Thanks for being so cool about this.
You are so awesome.
So do you think I'm awesome? Ish.
Smith is so awesome.
Jules, I've never felt like this.
- Aw.
- I'm in love.
And it's the real deal, like, "keep the baby" type of love.
I even breathe his name.
See? Smith OK.
We're done.
Ellie, get out of my purse.
I'm bored.
And your driver's license expired.
I have to get a new one.
Oh, I hope I get to keep that picture.
Whoa.
That picture's, like, 20 years two years old.
- How'd the DMV let you keep it? - This girl can flirt.
- No, she can't.
- But I can cry.
- Yes.
- Sweetie, the fresh-faced girl in this picture died a long time ago.
You smothered her when you slept on your face for 20 years.
Harsh, but Ellie and I have a pact.
We tell each other the harsh truth, no matter what.
That's why she thanked me when I told her she needed to wear a padded bra, sometimes her nerps point in different directions.
- Sometimes.
- I like the googly eyes.
I mean, I know I haven't done great with the ladies so far.
But now with my new soul friend - I am ready.
- Girls up ahead.
- Don't talk about it.
Be about it.
- Done.
- Ladies! - No.
Right on.
Yeah, I need a break from college girls.
They likey Travy long time.
Sorry about that.
Plus, I thought I'd see Kylie.
I thought you two broke up.
I said I'd see other people at school, but we could hang when I was home.
She's missing me big-time, so I know I'd be pining away for a man who has the body of a girl gymnast.
- Hey, you finally called me a man.
- No, I didn't, boy toy.
So you think she's been waiting around for you? Let me tell you something about women.
They are not that naive, my friend.
One ring.
What up.
Hey, Kylie! Travis! Are you home? - I can't wait to see you! - I can't wait to see you, too.
Hey.
Whoever this is, he'll call you back.
You know the rules.
When you come home, I get first "Hi" and first hug.
- What is on your chin? - Just a little flavor.
So cute.
Grab him! No! No, you can't do this! - This is child abuse.
Please! - Stop moving.
You guys finally ready to see this? Yeah? You're still here? I have to see this guy eat the sword, but he keeps stalling trying to suck people in.
Ah! - Is anyone here from Tampa? - Who cares, man? Just eat the sword.
Eat the sword! Smith OK, I wanted to talk to all of you.
Before Jules and I got together, I slept with Laurie.
- No way! - Get out of town! - First of all, Laurie, you were there.
- Oh, right.
Andy, you knew but swore on your life you wouldn't tell anyone, - so I'm assuming you told Ellie.
- Like, immediately.
A secret that spicy? Muy caliente.
- Are you Cuban today? - Yeah, I will be if you like it.
- I do like it.
- Ooh Fun for you.
Smith, I'm sure Laurie told you, so No, just finding out now.
But I'm cool.
Yeah, keep it moving.
Visor Guy got me to thinking that things are going so well with Jules, I really wanna be open with her about everything, even if it makes her freak out.
So I'm gonna tell her.
I kind of thought this would be the one secret I would take to the grave.
Of course, I also thought I wouldn't live past 30.
- But we can still hope, right? - No, but you're right, Grayson.
We should tell her.
It's time to eat the sword.
- Eat the sword? - Grayson, let me tell her.
Yeah, I think I'll handle this one.
You know, she's gonna be less angry at the person who tells her first.
I hate jugglers.
You're doing something fun and didn't even call.
Oh, I'll apologize once this goes down.
- Isn't that Kylie? - Yeah, that's my girl.
I'm sure they're just friends.
- Boob-to-back friends.
- Man.
Trav, you OK, bud? He just ate that whole thing! Oh, man! No! OK, Tina, that was your fault that I blinked.
Now, we agreed on "one and two and pause and snap.
" Ma'am, you have had nine tries.
Can't we just use my old picture? It was my dead mother's favorite.
I miss her so much every day.
- Do I look new? - All right.
Fine.
Let's do it.
- One, two - Excuse me.
Excuse me.
- Laurie and I slept together! - I slept with Grayson! One more? You know the worst thing about you two hooking up? Look at my license! - You look really pretty.
- Don't.
Maybe we shouldn't have told you.
I just thought you deserved to know.
Jules, it was a one-time thing.
Damn it! They're saying all the right things.
No mercy! Climb back into that gun turret and shoot everything you see! Hmm.
Oh, Bobby, you don't have to feel bad for me.
I can't believe I missed seeing that sword get eaten.
- I'm going back.
Smith, you in? - No, thanks.
So, what was it like being lovers? Let's go.
I'll drive.
I don't need the graphic details.
I could figure those out myself.
Grayson's only got, like, two moves.
"I'm up here, I'm down here.
" But was it special? Sweetie, no! If it weren't for that mirror by his bathtub, we would have never even made eye contact.
We're not gonna do this.
All right, if you wanna talk, we'll talk, but I'm not gonna sit here and let you just torture yourself.
Well, it's just so weird.
But you were great about Visor Guy.
And I know this happened before we were dating.
I'm gonna be OK.
- Thanks.
- No! Really? You guys are just friends? I mean, I just don't do many piggybacks with my buddies, you know, unless one of us is really tired.
Trav, it was nothing.
Come here.
Hmm Usually, I don't like middle-aged men watching me get down with my lady, but this time it felt right.
So, nice to see you, and booyah.
Not a fan of the gloating so I'm gonna eat the sword and ask you a quick question.
Did Kylie bite-kiss you like that before you went away to college? Hmm I wonder where she learned that from? Have fun with that.
OK, when my hair's pulled back, do my ears stick out? No, they're cute.
- Ellie, harsh truth.
- They're like elf ears.
Put them away.
I'm sorry.
I'm still walking on eggshells around you.
Oh, stop.
I'm cool.
- I'm so not cool.
- So get mad.
I'm trying to, but I don't have a reason.
Come on, give me a reason.
Crack the code.
- OK.
- OK.
So, you slept with Grayson's friend and he was cool with it.
Different people get upset by different things.
Yes, they do.
And I know they were honest with you, eventually.
Come on now.
Bring it home.
Why did they take so long to tell you? Maybe, thanks to Visor Guy, they knew you couldn't be too mad.
- Schemers.
- I bet they came up with that idea when they were talking behind your back.
Look how red your face is.
Victory! You stay here.
I'm getting Laurie.
- What'd you do? - I cracked the code.
Sword guy's up next.
Until then, we can enjoy iguana guy.
How does holding an iguana make you a street performer? He can make it poop in his pocket.
It's pretty wild.
They both hold your eye contact.
Besides, would you rather be back at Jules' dealing with that doody storm? I've got a right to be pissed, and I decided that all on my own.
- Proud of yourself? - Very.
Now I need to choose who will hand over their wine glass and go.
Oh, she's making it like a reality show.
- Grayson.
- Oh.
You slept with my friend.
But in your defense, we weren't dating yet.
And you probably thought I was way out of your league.
- Still do.
Way out.
- Don't pander.
- Laurie.
- Picked her from the beginning.
When you slept with Grayson, you did not know that I liked him.
Plus, I had been pushing you to start sleeping with guys - who wore shirts to work.
- You dream so big for me, Jules.
I've been waiting for this to explode for months! Pick someone! Eat the sword! I now know who I'm mad at.
Ellie! What? No! I'm just in the audience! You knew about this for months and you didn't tell me? What happened to harsh truths, Ellie? Oh, yeah, Ellie! What happened? Karma happened! Yep, and here comes the cheerleader with the high kick and the Roger Rabbit.
Well, this isn't fair.
Ellie Torres, hand over your glass.
You may now leave the group.
Uh - Can we talk about something? - Now? Yeah.
I'm loving the new bite-kissing.
And the ice cube thing you did earlier, was that an accident? No.
OK.
Well, it was a little scary.
Where is this coming from? Are you seeing that guy from before? I told you, I'm not seeing him.
You really stressed the word "him" as if there were other "hims.
" You made the rules.
Calm down, silly boy.
All right, he put olive oil on it.
That means he's getting close! - Aren't you excited? - No, not at all.
What? Oh, I get it.
You're all tore up 'cause you found out Laurie was with someone else.
Nope, just don't care about seeing a guy swallow a sword.
Now I know you're lying.
You're wounded, brother, and I'm not gonna drop it until you admit it.
I just love our girl time.
Ooh, I really like this orange.
Makes me feel fancy.
This doesn't work for me.
It's your punishment.
Tonight we're gonna drink wine.
We're gonna say mean things about people we love.
We might even eat the chocolate manatee.
No! You and I bought that together.
You get the tail, I got the head.
Let's Lady and the Tramp this bitch.
- Andy, get out of there.
- My nails aren't dry yet.
Fine.
All right, that's it.
I'm closing the blinds.
Jules Kiki Cobb, do not close the - Jules.
- Yes? I'm the one you should be mad at.
Stop, I forgave you.
Eat some manatee.
Before I met you, I had no conscience.
If I saw a handicapped parking spot, I'd take it, and then I'd pretend one of my arms was dead when I walked into the bar, like Is there a point to this? When I slept with Grayson, I did know that you liked him, and I did it anyway.
I'm so sorry.
Please don't hate me.
Told you you shouldn't be mad at me.
Slag.
- Get out of my house.
- We have to talk this out.
Jules, don't say anything else.
I'm coming in.
Laurie, there's nothing to talk out.
You're supposed to be my friend.
I would never do that to you.
- It's over.
- Jules! "There's nothing to talk out.
You're supposed to be my friend.
It's over.
" - Thank you.
Go on.
- But you love to talk things out.
You made me talk for two hours when I said your sneakers squeaked.
Well, that's because you called them "my squeakers"! Now go! No, we are going to get through this.
And I am not leaving here until we do! You can clamp onto that chair all you want.
I'm going upstairs.
I don't wanna say that I'm happy, but if I were to describe my feelings right now - Ellie! - Coming! Rain check.
So what did you say to Kylie? Nothing.
I mean, I haven't decided if I'm gonna end it or not, so I just went with it, new stuff and all.
What was that like? I don't wanna talk about it.
- Ready to talk about Laurie? - Bobby, still doesn't bother me.
I thought you might say that.
That's why I took the liberty of texting this guy.
There's no game? I can't believe you used my love of roller hockey to trick me.
That's uncool, I'm not a strong skater.
Grayson has a predisposition of sleeping with other guys' ladies.
Character flaw.
Seriously? I fell, like, ten times skating here.
Come on, you two, this is serious emotional stuff.
Clear the air.
- Are we cool? - We're cool.
Awesome.
Now turn me.
- Peace! - I feel better.
Do you? OK, last bullet.
You know how bad I wanna see this dude eat sword? I'm not gonna watch until you admit that this is killing you.
It's not killing me, Bobby.
You know, I can tell that Laurie's getting serious.
She breathes my name.
I know, I heard it.
Yeah, if I felt the same way, I'd be jealous or mad, or something, right? - I mean, shouldn't I care more? - Yeah, you should.
Ah, man.
This sucks.
Oh, yes! Yes! Handle deep, baby.
Handle deep! Whoo! I'm sorry about your life, Smith.
I'm sure Travis loves what you did to his room.
This feels good.
It's like the drums are Laurie's body and the cymbal is her face.
Face! Neck! Shoulder! Butt! Face! Butt! Shoulder! Face! Face! Face! - You're sitting weird.
- You can't get me off of here.
Noted.
So, look, even though it was my idea, I hate that Kylie's seeing other guys.
I'm gonna, like, get over that, right? I feel that if you care about someone you can get through anything! That's a little loud.
You know, there's sort of a weird vibe here, but I'm gonna plow through it.
Everyone deserves a second chance! Screw it, Travis! Dump her! She's a betrayer! Face! Who are you punishing? You know what? I'm gonna get out of here.
Whoa It feels like something happened.
You're not gonna end your friendship with Laurie.
You don't cut people out of your life.
It's not who you are.
I can be mean, Grayson.
Look, Travis' favorite poster.
Oh, God.
I think I'm gonna vomit.
Ellie, harsh truth.
Can I drop Laurie? Don't use my powers against me.
It's not fair! Harsh truth.
You can't.
You love her.
Right, 'cause I'm everybody's doormat, and I take it.
Whether it's you keeping secrets from me, or you, Grayson, having sex with all of my friends.
Why don't you just go ahead, do Ellie? - No, thank you.
- Yeah, right.
I'm so sick of forgiving everyone for everything.
It's my worst quality.
No, it's your best quality, and it's why we all love you.
- We know if we ran over your dog - I don't have a dog.
Fine.
If we left rollerblade tracks all over your hardwood floors, if any of us were hurting, you'd still be there for us.
Well, not this time, and not for her.
Now help me find some tape so I can fix this poster! Oh, brother.
Oh! I'm so glad that you're here.
Body.
You're supposed to hug me back.
Can we talk? So, I'm gonna break up with Kylie.
Yep, she's gonna miss this.
I'm not being a perv, I'm talking about this belt.
It's hers, but I'm gonna keep it.
It's adorable that you think you have any control over this.
Yo, I'm in charge of what happens in my own life.
Travis! Let's go! Go when I wanna go.
OK, I wanna go now.
- Hey, I made myself a Dagwood.
- Of course you did.
And Laurie cares so much about our friendship, she left.
You guys wanted her to get off scot-free.
She's not getting off scot-free.
Look, Laurie, you're a great girl and we had fun.
It's just, I've just been thinking whether or not this is really going anywhere and Please, don't do this to me.
I feel like I have to.
I know I said we should see other people, but I just can't handle it, OK? Maybe it's my fault for not being mature enough, maybe it's yours for turning into a giant ho-bag.
Who's to say? Either way, I wanna break up.
- No.
- Wasn't really a question.
We're not breaking up.
I like saying I have a college boyfriend.
Fine, we don't have to break up, but then you can't see other guys.
Sure I can.
Get in the car.
Travis, just eat the sword.
OK Oh, you know Laurie.
She'll be fine.
No, she loves him.
She told me.
Tripping! High stick.
- Watch it! - Offside! There! Tripping! Yeah.
Trip! You touch the puck today? No.
Uh-uh.
Not today.
But, but I'm going to.
Stupid visor.