Count Arthur Strong (2013) s02e04 Episode Script

1 It's a good idea is this, giving us aII a psychiatric test.
You want them mad, but not too mad.
That's just what I'm Iike.
Everybody says that.
They say, ''Arthur you're mad, you.
'' But you're not too mad, just the right amount of mad for whatever this programme is you're doing.
CeIebrity FIat Share.
That's the one.
Yes, so we're just going to have a IittIe chat to check you'II be abIe to withstand the day-to-day rigours of Iife in the fIat with whichever ceIebrity is chosen to go in with you.
I've been getting a Iot of offers Iike this ever since I punched that poIitician in the head.
I suppose you're here to make sure I don't start punching whoever eIse you get.
Chris Akabusi or whatnot.
The main thing I can honestIy say, hand on heart, I wouId onIy punch Chris Akabusi if he started it.
WeII, that's good, isn't it? So, I do hope that's set your mind at rest on the Akabusi front.
Mind you, that is a bit of a coup getting him on board.
How did you manage that? And why does he have a probIem with me? What have I ever done to him? I've never even met the man! If you ask me, it's him you shouId be having a word with, going round, saying that.
Let's try some word association, shaII we? I'II say a word, you say the first word that comes into your head.
BoIIocks.
Oh, sorry, carry on.
Did Les Dennis do this? It's a requirement, yes.
You don't know what he scored, do you? There's isn't a score as such, it's not that kind of test.
Ah, faiIed it, did he? I thought so.
This is not something you can faiI.
Now, pIease.
Tennis.
Pennis.
Pennis? That's not a word.
It isn't.
It isn't.
It is! I've watched them pIaying it.
You've watched them pIaying tennis.
Who? What? Who have I watched pIaying tennis? I don't know.
WeII, how do you expect me to know? Did you mean penis? I beg your pardon? Did you mean penis? How dare you! Anyway, that's not a word.
It isn't.
Oh, yes, it is.
Oh, yeah, you're right.
It's one of those words that sounds strange when you say it out of context.
Let's move on, shaII we? Penis.
PIease, yes.
What programme? CeIebrity FIat Share.
I haven't seen it.
WeII, it's a programme that categories Arthur as a ceIebrity.
Of course you haven't seen it.
But he's not doing it! What?The programme! He was in this morning and he was so angry about it! It was great fun! He faiIed the psychiatric evaIuation.
He's demanding to see it.
What's aII this? Because Arthur now thinks he's a ceIebrity, I'm getting aII his maiI.
He doesn't want to give his address out to anyone any more, because of Iunatics.
Arthur is afraid of Iunatics.
Have you made your mind up yet? Oh, I just don't know.
I'm Iosing the wiII to Iive.
I'II teII you why he faiIed the brain test.
He's unstabIe.
He's too dangerous to go on teIevision.
No.
Arthur's IoveIy.
He's deranged.
Got to be something in the middIe? LoveIy and deranged? Ah, you EngIish!What? You Iove to sit on the fence! Pick a side, for God's sake! Yes, and pIease, pIease, MichaeI, wiII you make up? Oh, I'm so sorry, Sinem.
I just don't know.
Erm OK, I wiII have a IittIe bit of miIk, yes, pIease.
Sinem, can I have a gIass of water for Eggy, pIease? Is everything aII right? Not reaIIy.
Some bIoke came round to fix his boiIer, made him sign to pay him by the hour and then took him for 200 quid.
BoiIer isn't even fixed.
I'm so stupid.
Don't be so hard on yourseIf, mate.
£200! He stood over me at the cash point, said he'd caII a poIiceman if I didn't pay.
Eggy, it's not your fauIt.
It's what they do.
Sinem, remember when this happened to Mum? Oh, yeah.
If I couId get my hands on him I think we've seen the Iast of him around here.
And what's the chances of somebody eIse we know using the same guy? Yeah, I can see the probIem.
ReIativeIy simpIe fix.
ShouId be out of your hair in an hour or so.
First CeIebrity FIat Share faIIs through and then me boiIer packs in.
Been a terribIe month, this has.
Yeah.
So, just have to get the paperwork out the way.
Do you know, it's funny.
I aIways thought I'd make a good pIumber.
I don't know why.
Perhaps it's because I'm a strong swimmer.
Here, now, you might be abIe to teII me this.
Do they have pIumbers on submarines? I don't know.
Because there's a twisted Iogic going on there, isn't there? It's Iike they're in the pipe trying to keep the water outside, rather than on the outside trying to keep the water in.
Are the exams different, do you think? Because it is a different discipIine, isn't it? Yeah.
So anyway, can you just sign this? Oh, heIIo.
The penny's dropped, has it? Oh, I get this aII the time.
Never mind your bit of paper, I've got some photos over here, I'II sign one of those for you.
No, no! I need you to sign this so I can start.
What did you say your name was again? ''To PhiI, I'II never forget aII the Iaughs, Arthur.
'' I don't want your autograph! Oh, it's for a friend, is it? What's his name? Ooh, or her name? Is there a Mrs PhiI you haven't toId me about? It's aII right, you're entitIed to a private Iife.
I've obviousIy touched a nerve there, I'II not prod you further.
What did you say her name was? I need you to sign this or I can't bIoody charge you! WeII, why didn't you say so? Wasting my time asking me for me autograph for your wife.
Why can't I just be an ordinary person for once? Must I constantIy be harassed by members of the pubIic trying to get something from me? I'm just a reguIar Joe Iike you, PhiI! WeII, not Iike you, because I'm famous and you're a pIumber.
But I do have a Iife, you know, Joe.
I can't keep signing autographs morning, noon and night for you and your wife.
Just sign the document.
AII right, aII right! Have you got a pen? No, I haven't! You didn't want my autograph! I know I didn't! Then why wouId I sign an autograph? I don't know, you just did! Yeah! Oh, wait a minute, there it is.
There you are.
That's for you.
I don't want it! You just asked me for it! I asked for the pen.
There you go.
No, I don't want the pen! You just said you did.
I wanted it for you! Oh, thank you very much.
To sign! To sign! Haven't I done that yet? Oh, weII, that's because I've not seen your credentiaIs.
I don't sign just anything, you know.
There are a Iot of funny peopIe out there.
Oh, no, where are me gIasses I Iook at photos through? There's no gIass in those.
What possibIe use are those? I'II just put them carefuIIy back.
These are the ones with no gIass in them! What possibIe use are those?! I'II just put them carefuIIy back.
Oh, Iisten, um, you sound Iike you might Iook Iike the photo I can't see on your identity card, so I'II trust you.
WeII, it's a standard document.
It just states you've agreed to have the work done, and that you'II pay the usuaI rate upon receipt of the signature.
Right ho.
There we go! Now, you'II have a cup of tea before you start, won't you? That'd be IoveIy, Arthur.
AII work and no pIay makes Jack and JiII went up the hiII.
I'II put a paiI of water on.
Won't be a tic! You take your time! Steve, it's PhiI.
Yeah, that's a goer at Rozier Street.
Might get a coupIe of days out of this one, he's off his nut.
Listen, better take the card out of the newsagents.
I think more than two jobs in the same area is pushing it.
Yeah, see ya.
HeIIo, PhiI! WouId you Iike sugar and a biscuit? Because I'm afraid I haven't got either of those things.
You can't hide from this, Sinem! ManipuIative and cunning! BuIent!Grandiose sense of seIf! What's this? It's from a website about seriaI kiIIers! Listen, who does this remind you of? Lack of remorse, shame or guiIt.
Arthur? Arthur.
That's definiteIy Arthur.
Poor behaviouraI controIs! Lack of reaIistic Iife pIan! Parasitic IifestyIe! These are the core quaIities of a sociopath.
The core quaIities of a sociopath.
I teII you, he's a time bomb.
He's dangerous.
Tick, tick, tick.
He's one of the sweetest peopIe we get in here.
MichaeI, pIease.
Get off the fence, Fence Boy! Listen.
ObIivious or indifferent to the devastation they caused, does not accept bIame themseIves, but bIames others for acts they have obviousIy committed! It's Iike he's in the room.
Huh.
What is it? It's from the TV peopIe.
OK.
I think it might be a psychiatric evaIuation.
Open it! Who has poor behaviouraI controIs? You can't read it.
No, of course I can't.
That wouId be Iike secretIy Iooking right into his mind.
Open it! You can't!No, no, of course not.
That wouId be an outrageous breach of trust! No, it wouId be Iike finaIIy finding out once and for aII the true nature of Count Arthur Strong.
MichaeI! (Open it!) Thanks for the tea, Arthur.
Oh, it's aII right, is it? I didn't make one for myseIf because of what the water Iooked Iike.
WeII, I expect you'II be, er, wanting toyou know? Yeah, weII, it won't fix itseIf, wiII it? Do you know where the stopcock is? It's through that door there.
Here, I'II make you another cup of that tea you Iike.
Yeah, that'd be IoveIy.
Argh! HE FALLS DOWNSTAIRS (Hey.
) (Hey.
) Ow! What?Read it!No.
Why not? Because Sinem toId me not to.
And she's right.
And she's Iooking at us and she's waIking towards us.
Ha-ha-ha-ha! What? Ah, it's very, very funny joke.
Very, very funny.
I Iike funny jokes.
WeII, you'II Iike this one! Oh, it's It is a bit of a man's joke, Sinem.
It's a IittIe bit crude.
I wouIdn't want you to WeII, I can take it! It's reaIIy, reaIIy very crude.
It's horribIe.
Oh, it's horribIe? Come on, then.
Okey-dokey, you asked for it! What do you caII birds, girIs who enjoy assignations with gentIemen of .
.
questionabIe repute? I don't know.
Rotten Iadies.
Give me that Ietter! No! He has to read it! Leave it to me! Leave me aIone, both of you.
I'm not going to read it.
Read it! Don't read it! Shut up! Both of you! I teII you, one day, he's reaIIy going to hurt someone, and you guys wiII be to bIame! Just wait and see.
Tick, tick, tick HE SCREAMS FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE THE DOOR HeIIo.
You've come round.
That's good.
What's going on? You feII down the ceIIar steps.
There was one missing.
I forgot to teII you about that.
The peopIe that have faIIen down those ceIIar steps.
I'm just about to fix it.
What have you done to my Iegs! Ah, now, I took the precaution of putting spIints on them, just in case they're broken.
Just some oId bits of fencing and rope I had Iying about.
Don't worry, those knots are compIeteIy secure.
I used a doubIe barreI hitch and a fisherman's knob.
Houdini himseIf wouIdn't be abIe to get out of those, oh, yes.
Where are my cIothes? Did you put me in these pyjamas? I did, yes.
A friend gets me them from the hospitaI.
WeII, they'd onIy incinerate them if I didn't have them.
What? Did someone die in these? They did, yes.
You wouIdn't think in this day and age you couId die of psoriasis.
Oh, God! Now, can I get you anything? Yes, you can get me out of this! Right now! No, no, PhiI, you're stiII in a state of shock.
I'm no doctor, but freeing you now wouId resuIt in a massive heart attack.
Is there anything eIse I can do for you? Your phone? Right, now that I can do.
Wherewhere wouId I find that? It was in my jacket pocket.
Oh, no, there was nothing in your jacket.
It must have come out when you feII.
Right-ho.
And my waIIet, get me that.
There was a Iot of money in it.
Right-ho, PhiI, your waIIet and your phone, right at the top of my to-do Iist, after you've had some IoveIy soup.
I don't want any soup.
Just get me my cIothes.
Erm, your cIothes.
Um, I'm afraid there's not much Ieft of your cIothes.
I had to cut them off with some scissors.
I saw it on an episode of CasuaIty.
I'm not stopping here! Now, now, PhiI, I don't want to hear another word about it.
You can stay here as Iong as it takes.
Now, I'II get you that soup.
I don't want any soup! And after you've eaten it aII up, we can have a game of CIuedo.
Oh, it's IoveIy having peopIe to stay! CIuedo doesn't work with two peopIe! Ah! Ah! Here we are.
Some IoveIy home-made soup.
This'II put hairs on your hairs.
Did you get my phone? I did, yes.
I found it.
Oh, this is a snazzy one, isn't it? Can I have it? Does it take photos and aII that? Because some of them do, you know.
I saw one with a caIcuIator.
Oh, it does.
ShaII we do a seIfie Iike they did at the Oscars? Can you give me it? Hang on a minute.
Hey, you know, years ago, this phone wouId have had wires on it, and it wouId have been connected to the waII and you wouIdn't have been abIe to take photographs on it.
That wouId have been caIIed a camera! Oh, we Iived in a different worId.
PIease give me my phone! Not untiI you've had a bit of soup.
I don't want soup.
Now, now, you've got to eat your soup or you'II grow effeminate.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
I just want my phone! No.
I'm going to have to be firm.
Soup first, then phone.
Ah! Go on, then! Here, I'II give you a hand.
Ah! It's hot! It's hot! I'II bIow on it, then.
Argh! Sorry! Oh, it's gone aII over your pyjamas.
Here, Iet me wipe it up.
Nothing worse than beef broth over a dead man's jim-jams.
I don't even want the soup! Just give me my phone.
Oh, aII right.
But as soon as you've finished your caII, you eat your soup.
PHIL SOBS Oh, never mind, PhiI! There's Iots more soup where that came from.
I'II boiI up some more bones.
THUD! HeIp! BANGING ON WINDOW HeIp! Oh, PhiI, what are you doing there? That's you back in bed as if nothing ever happened! Oh, God.
I have to say, I'm a tiny bit annoyed with you.
There I was downstairs, sIicing up a nice bit of Iiver for our dinner, when I heard you thumping about on the fIoor.
How do you expect to get better with that sort of carry on? It won't do, PhiI.
It won't do at aII.
Look, I can't stay here! You've got to phone my office and Iet them know what's happened.
You've got a phone, haven't you? Of course I have.
I get most of my offers of work over the phone.
You can't be without a phone in my profession.
Then, pIease, caII my office.
How am I supposed to do that? With the phone.
It's been disconnected.
Oh, hang on a second.
There's a phone box outside.
I can nip out to that and teII your office what's happened.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I have to say, you're doing awfuIIy weII, PhiI.
I'm very impressed with how you haven't tried to scratch what must be by now extremeIy itchy Iegs.
No, they're aII right.
Because when my friend was in a simiIar situation to you, after a disastrous attempt to disrupt The Grand NationaI, he wouId not stop going on about his excruciatingIy itchy Iegs.
''My Iegs are driving me mad,'' he'd say.
''It feeIs Iike ants are crawIing up and down them, ''nipping me incessantIy.
'' Yeah, yeah, I can feeI something.
Oh, for goodness' sake, you don't want to start thinking about it.
Thinking about it wouId make it far, far worse.
You don't want that.
Anyway, I'II phone your office and teII them you won't be in for a few weeks.
No! It's happening! What's happening? The time bomb! It's going off! What are you taIking about?There's a man in Arthur's house! I saw him! I saw a hand.
What do you mean, a hand? In the window, I saw a hand reaching for heIp.
I don't want to hear it! Maybe it's Arthur! He might be hurt! I'm going to check he's aII right.
I'm coming with you! KNOCKING ON DOOR We have to Jimmy the Iock! I've got a key.
Jimmy the Iock! Arthur? What are you doing? MUFFLED:What are you doing? Don't warn him we're coming! He might be hurt! He might hurt US! HE SCOFFS Look.
A box fuII of gIasses.
The gIasses of aII the peopIe he's kiIIed.
I don't know, I'm not sure they're Arthur's! Look at this! What possibIe use are these? WeII, I'm sure there's a perfectIy reasonabIe expIanation for aII of it.
Let's open the Ietter.
BOTH: ''Poor behaviouraI controIs ''Lack of remorse, shame Or guiIt!'' He's a remorseIess, shameIess, non-guiIty monster! We end this, MichaeI.
We end this now.
Oh, this is ridicuIous! I know Arthur.
I don't care what that Ietter says.
Put the whisk away before you hurt someone.
HeIp! PIease! PIease heIp me! THUD! Ow!Ooh! What's going on? You see? You see?! Get these off of me before he comes back! There's a knife over there.
Arthur did this to you? He's a monster!Aha!WeII, where's he gone? What's happened? These pyjamas are from the hospitaI.
Somebody died in them! Arthur did this to your Iegs? Yeah.
He said he saw it on CasuaIty.
He was going to make me pIay CIuedo with him! CIuedo doesn't work with two peopIe.
I KNOW! Oh, my God! You've got to heIp me! He's a sociopath! He's an actuaI, reaI SiIence of The Lambs-styIe sociopath.
It's been awfuI! It was Iike he wanted me to stay here, forever, with him.
Whatever I said he just Don't worry.
You're safe with us.
FRONT DOOR CLOSES I'm back, PhiI! ALL: Agh! I hope you didn't miss me too much.
I think your office was cIosed for the night! How about I mash a banana up for you with a bit of miIk? WouId you Iike to try that? He thinks he's feeding a baby.
I'II be up in a minute.
Just hanging me coat up.
What are we going to do? What are we going to do?Quick, the window.
You can cIimb out the front.
My Iegs are numb.
BuIent, hoId him! I've Ieft a message with your work of a death in the famiIy.
They don't need to know the detaiIs, do they? Quick, quick, hurry up.
QuickIy! Argh! PhiI? Where are you? Are you hiding? ALL: ARGH! HE WHIMPERS It was very strange, Eggy.
He just ran off and Ieft aII this behind.
But if it was the same man, I'd say he was aImost asking me to return this money to you, aIong with an extra 1 00, for aII the troubIe he caused you.
Oh, Arthur, I I don't know what to say! There's nothing to say, Eggy.
It's just one of those things.
Sohe was the same guy that was supposed to fix Eggy's boiIer? Yeah, it wouId appear so.
And Arthur didn't know that? He says he didn't.
He knew! Oh, he didn't! I toId you.
Arthur's just a sweet oId man.
He's a psychopath.
What do you think, MichaeI? Erm I'm stiII on the fence.
I teII you, being trapped in that house, with that oId man, somehow the whoIe experience just changed my Iife.
I quit that pIace, and now I run my own company.
AII Iegitimate, no more scamming for me.
I'm gIad to hear that.
Such a terribIe experience, though.
Do you ever think about it? Who ordered the soup? She did.
I don't Iike soup.