Coupling (2000) s02e04 Episode Script

You won't admit you love me And so How am I ever To know You always tell me Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps Perhaps I know we were thinking|about it for a second, But let's be honest we just haven't made that|special connection, have we? I thought you holding out|for the third date.
Now since I'm only|a friend date, Do you want to take|this ticket back And get an upgrade? Hey, no.
We can go|as the "friends" thing.
I'm never gonna sleep|with you, Patrick ever, ever, ever.
Okay, thanks.
|See you.
I told you he wasn't|your type.
I'm surprised|he was ever yours.
What did you see in him?|He's so dull.
I need personality,|verve, humor at least now I know why|you called him donkey brain.
Actually,|I called him donkey.
Yeah, but I got the point.
No, you didn't.
What? You mean you mean some men are born lucky.
Some men are born|very lucky.
What was Patrick born? A tripod.
Do you know what my job is? I convert no's|into yes's.
To me a no|is just a yes Worded as a no.
That's about confidence, And confidence|is my long suit.
Would you believe,|looking at me now, Looking at the kind|of guy that I am, That just four years ago I was actively|contemplating suicide.
What method? Sorry? I'm just trying to picture it.
But I then I thought|how my family would feel my friends everyone who|cared about me.
You shouldn't worry|what other people think.
That's just|what I'm saying.
It's not for me.
What does suicide solve? It's just stupid.
It's an option.
You shouldn't be|closing doors at your age.
What? Would you excuse me|a moment? Yeah.
Sure.
Hurry back.
Oh, absolutely.
Code red.
|Again? Sorry.
|When? Now.
Saw you talking|to Sally out there.
You know Sally? Yeah, I know Sally.
I had a thing|with her awhile back.
Huh.
|Right.
Oh, yeah.
I know|Sally Harper, all right.
Sorry, is there some kind|of problem here? Hmm? No, not|a problem exactly.
Guess I just wasn't|man enough for her.
Sorry.
Yeah, but I mean does size really make|a difference? You know what women|always say? "Ouch"? So why don't you ever Just tell them|you don't like them? Do you? If I don't like a woman, If there's no chemistry,|if I'm not attracted to her, I just get out of there.
Really?|Every time, Before she even wakes up.
So you do|have sex with them, then.
Well, there's no reason|to be cruel, is there? Very thoughtful of you.
You have to be thoughtful When it comes to|the body swerve.
The what? The dumping it's just a more delicate|way of putting it.
Do you ever think|it's a shame we never you know? Got indelicate together? Uh probably not.
You're right,|probably not.
Yeah.
Probably|for the best, really.
Probably.
Anyway,|uh you should be getting back.
Yeah.
So, I'll be seeing you.
My very next code red.
I'll be waiting|for your call.
And your partner, I hope.
What would I be|without my partner? Literate? I'll see you.
Yeah.
Sorry about that lads,|bit of an emergency.
So, who's she? Oh, that's just Sally.
Vroom! Vroom! Go! Go! Go! Hello.
|Patrick Mateland.
It's me.
Hi.
How are you? Let's do it.
I'm sorry? Let's do it now.
What do you mean? You know what you've spent|your entire life In constant pursuit of? Yeah.
Well, right now|it's doing all my thinking.
Can you get off|in the next 20 minutes? You sure you can|get here that quickly? Off from work,|Patrick.
I'll meet your|at your flat.
No, hang on.
It's now or never.
My brain could get|back in control any second.
But my flat's|being decorated.
So what? We can't go there.
You understand this is|a one-time-only offer? Your place now.
It's not possible.
Well my flat mate's|at home with a flu, So Sally? I've got a key|to Susan's flat.
What? We can go to Susan's.
She'll be at work till 7:00.
I'll tell her I'm using|her shower or something.
Susan? Half an hour.
|Meet me there.
Yeah? Yeah.
Okay.
Yes.
Are you okay? Yeah, yeah.
|Sure.
If thought I better|actually use the shower.
That's what I told Susan.
Right.
|Good idea.
Do you want to talk|about it? No, no.
|No, no, no.
It might help to talk.
No.
All men have failures|from time to time.
No.
Please,|you're making it worse.
Oh, Patrick|I hope you're not frightened To talk about your emotions.
Oh, please stop it.
|It'll start ingrowing.
Patrick you've got to focus|on yourself, On what's inside you|right now.
This is about you.
Okay.
Okay.
We'll talk.
Right, then.
Is it me? No.
Did I do something wrong? You only have to|lie down naked.
How wrong could you go? Maybe it was something|to do with me as a person.
We were having sex.
|Where would that come up? Patrick focus on what's|important here.
If you've got deep|personal anxieties, You've got|to confront them.
It's my thighs,|isn't it? It's not your thighs.
It's nothing to do|with you, It's just a malfunction.
Oh, I don't think so.
An erection's a very simple|physical process, you know.
Please stop.
It's just|an autonomic reflex Causing increased blood flow|through the pudendal artery.
Okay, so I've got a book.
Sometimes I get lonely.
I'd better get that.
It could be Susan.
So what happened? Okay, I'm there.
|Sally's there.
Good start.
|Can't fault you.
I've been through|all that foreplay stuff, Now I'm ready|for the actual sex.
Okay.
So there I am|there we are on the bed right.
|Yeah.
Runway in sight,|final approach, Will all passengers|kindly fasten thier seatbelts barely were those words|out of my mouth when I look down and? Nothing's looking back.
It's not such a big deal,|you know.
You don't have to|take it personally.
How can I not take it|personally? This is Patrick|we're talking about permanently ready Patrick.
It's like a shelf,|you could keep books on it until Sally gets|her kit off, When, for the first time|in living memory, Patrick's blood supply|gets as far as his brain.
That must have been|so painful.
It's against the rules.
|It's a chain of command thing.
I'm naked,|he salutes.
Oh, Sally,|it's just a one-off.
It happens to everyone.
Has it happened to you? Well, no, actually.
But I'm sure it will.
Not at all,|not even once? Are you sure?|Of course I'm sure.
There was this gay guy.
Oh, I see.
What you mean is,|because this guy failed, You assumed he was gay.
That's denial, Susan.
A tiny bit of a problem there, I think.
Mmm.
One he was definitely gay, And two who said he failed? What about you? What? Have you ever encountered|floppiness? Just the one time.
Quite recently.
It really hurt, though.
I was devastated.
Oh, what happened? This guy walked past me|in a corridor nothing.
You are saying that|exactly once in your life A man failed to become|spontaneously aroused By your presence? Okay, you don't have to|harp on about it.
Do you think I've just|passed on to a whole new level, And I'm now|actually repulsive? Don't be silly.
It's my neck, isn't it? I've got my mother's neck.
I'm only thirty And I've got a neck|that can remember d-day.
You're panicking,|you're going to be fine.
You just gotta|believe in yourself.
And don't move your head|during sex to avoid those|unsightly neck folds.
Oh, and be careful|how you lie on the bed, Because there's always|a risk of thigh-creping.
You realize what's|going to happen? I'm going to be the only woman|Patrick's failed with.
I'll be famous.
I'll be this legendary|man-wilter.
The entire male sex|will be terrified of me.
I mean, if even|Patrick doesn't like me.
Do you know the real way|to tell if a man likes you? Have a drink with him.
Now, if he puts his glass down|really close to yours, That means he|really likes you, And something's definitely|going to happen.
You know, I think Patrick|does that.
I think he does|that glass thing.
Of course,|as indicators go, An enormous erection|is a bit more reliable.
Has it ever occurred to you That maybe Patrick's|the one with the problem? Yeah.
Maybe's he's ill|or something.
Exactly.
Patrick ill? Oh, that would be|such a relief.
It was just so embarrassing.
I didn't know what to do.
It happens|to us all, mate.
All of us,|in our time, Are visited by|The Melty Man.
The what? Don't say his name|don't even think his name, Or he will rise|from the shadow dimensions To do his evil work|inside your terrified pants.
Ha! Terrified pants.
There's nothing funny|about The Melty Man, Patrick.
You know about|The Melty Man, too? We all know|The Melty Man.
Who is he? The archenemy|of trouser confidence.
Professor Moriarty|in groin form.
Darth Vader Without the helmet.
What does he do? Oh, Patrick|you know what he does.
Oh, right.
You're in bed|with a women, Everything's going fine.
That's when|the meltly man strikes.
Suddenly you find yourself|thinking, Maybe she's really bored.
Maybe your licking|her neck too much.
Are you overwetting|her neck? Are you spending equal time|on each breast? What happens if one breast|gets ahead? Should you switching|between them really quickly, Or should you just|squish them both together And do them both at once? Or are you allowed to|just skip one breast completely Just to save time? She's wriggling|about a bit is that a good sign, Or is she trying|to dry her neck? Or should|you kiss her now, Or do you have to start|at the top again? Should you be making|noises yet? Is it too soon|to grunt? And then, the killer out of nowhere, For no reason|you can think of, You call her|baby.
You've never called her|baby before.
You never called anyone|baby before.
So why did you just|call her baby? Suddenly you're starting|to blush.
Now you're blushing|and you've got an erection no one's got enough blood! "It's the engines, captain,|they cannae take it!" And then The Melty Man hits you|with his secret weapon.
Just one simple thought Placed in your mind|at this crucial time "please god,|don't let me lose my erection!" Oh.
How do you guys|ever manage to have sex? We don't.
Haven't had sex|in years.
It's just not possible|anymore.
We are followers|of The Melty Man.
And you are one of us now.
On the other hand, Maybe it's just Sally.
Maybe you just don't|fancy her.
But she was naked she could have been|anyone.
Hi.
I was just passing.
Great.
Okay.
Better say something now.
Stop nodding, stop smiling.
Say something.
Don't bring up the sex thing.
Don't embarrass him.
|Just make him feel comfortable.
Uh you can come inside|if you like.
Yes, but can you? The whole thing was a stupid,|disastrous mistake.
I agree completely.
What do you mean, disastrous? Actually it was you|that said disastrous.
Let's not start pointing|fingers, Patrick.
I've come here|to help you.
I wasn"t pointing at you.
That's something|I'm getting used to.
What you mean, help me? I think it would be best If we just forgot|the whole thing ever happened.
I agree.
Why?!|Because of my neck? No, I just Patrick, let's try and stick|to the subject here.
Here's what I suggest.
I'm going to walk|out of here, And we are never|going to mention Anything about|this incident ever again.
Agreed? Is it safe|to agree this time? The thing is, Patrick, The important thing here do I matter to you? Of course you do.
You're|like a friend to me.
Only you're a woman.
Right.
Exactly.
What I was thinking was, It would be a shame|if we allowed Something like this|to come between us.
I'm gonna go now, Patrick.
The next time we see each other,|the whole thing never happened.
Okay.
As soon as this door|is closed, The whole thing|is erased from history.
That's the rule.
Door shuts,|it's over.
Never mentioned again.
Brilliant.
That's great.
So since this is the last time|it's ever going to be mentioned, Can I just say I hope you get over|your little problem.
Oh, it's no big deal.
|Completely okay with it now.
I mean, what the hell.
|Can't fancy everyone.
I'm sorry? What? What did you just say? Can't fancy everyone.
Okay, I see.
You see what? That's what you think|it is, then.
Well, yeah.
It's not some kind of illness|you've got or a stress thing? No, no.
I'm fine.
Right.
|So that's it, then.
You just don't fancy me.
I like you|as a person.
I don't need you|to think of me as person I have women for that! You've got|a great personality.
A great what? Did you say,|a great personality? What's wrong with that? It's the consolation prize, It's what you say to people|who've got huge bottoms And smell of biscuits! I really mean it.
|I like you.
I think you're great! I was nearly out of here.
One more second|and it would've been over.
One more second and this door|would've been shut.
So why isn't it? Because you said|you weren't ill.
I was very happy|about it being an illness.
I could have been|all womanly and understanding And had special|feminine insights.
Deep looks great on me.
What kind of illness|was I supposed to have? I don't know whatever it is|that connects a limp dick With a limp brain! There is no connection|between my dick and my brain! Let's analyze this,|shall we? You like me as a person.
Of course I do.
Do you find me|physically attractive? Yes, you look great.
|You've got a great body.
So what don't you like?|My feet? My taste in hats?|What? There's nothing I don't like.
|What's wrong with you? Nothing, apparently.
My great personality|is inside my great body, So why aren't you?! Okay, it's me.
I'm the problem.
I didn't want|to say it, but and it's nothing to do|with me? Nope.
Okay|I accept that.
Good.
Right, then.
Shall we close|the door on this? That would be unbelievably|excellent.
Okay, let's do it.
Ha ha.
|Yes.
I am gonna close|this door And no one need|ever mention again About your impotence.
I'm sorry? What? My|what did you say? Your impotence.
Ha ha ha! You can't|call me impotent.
What do you normally call it when|you stop being able to have sex? I don't know|a relationship.
Patrick|impotence is the word.
There are some words|you just don't say to a man, They're too technical|like "commitment" or "cervix.
" Either we say|you are impotent, Or I am unattractive which is it going|to be? There is a third alternative.
What? You know what.
What are you doing? Something I should have done|in the first place.
Drink? Patrick,|if you're suggesting What I think you're|suggesting maybe we should|talk about this.
No more talking.
No more doors.
No more theories.
This time|I'm going in.
Hi.
Nice bed.
I like it.
I didn't undress,|I thought maybe you'd want you know.
Thanks.
|Good thought.
Nice.
Besides, I never|like to undress Till I know there's|a dimmer.
Right.
I did undress,|by the way.
I see that.
Thank you.
I could put something|back on no, no Now you've done|all that folding.
Fine.
|Nice folding, by the way.
Oh.
It's always best|to put things away properly, Otherwise everything|just mounts up.
Oh, that's so true.
You've just got to keep it|under control, have a system.
That's so right.
You've just got|to pick stuff up.
That's my system.
Yeah.
Anyway enough of this flirting.
Do you mind if I just no, no.
|Go ahead.
Won't be a moment.
|Oh, don't worry.
Just a couple of minutes,|then we can get to the sex part.
I can admire|your folding system.
That wasn't a comment|about last time.
No, I got that.
What am I doing? Well, you're about to attempt|sex with a close friend.
He's so worried his|erection will fail again.
Which will destroy One of the most important|relationships in his life.
And his relationship|with you.
So why am I doing this? Why have i|cornered him into it? Because maybe,|just maybe Having sex with someone|you actually like Might be an interesting|new experiment for you.
I don't like him that much.
Yes, you do.
|Of course you do.
You guys are hanging out|all the times these days.
Haven't you noticed? Then I definitely shouldn't|have sex with him, right? If he's a friend.
Well, not sex as|a competitive sport, no.
But if it was,|you know making lo don't say it.
Don't say, "making love.
" Making love is not|on the cards here.
Yeah.
|Right.
He's a tory! So? What is the matter|with you? You never thought|I should be with Patrick.
You've always tried|to put me off him.
Yeah, but I'm not|the real me, am i? We're just in your head|at the moment.
Oh right.
Speak for yourself.
I'm astrally projected.
Yeah? This is the worst possible thing|I could be doing to Patrick.
Okay.
|I can do this.
It's no big deal.
We're with you, Patrick.
Come on, my son.
|We're here for you.
What if I fail again? It wouldn't just one incident, It will be two incidents.
She's still|in that room waiting.
Don't think about failure.
She's wants you.
Don't think about|premature ejaculation anything like that.
She's probably undressing|right now.
Oh, and don't think about|the crying game.
Look, I'm fine, okay? We know that.
|We believe that.
Do we?|Shh! I can handle this.
|I just don't need Any more theories|about the melty no!|Don't say his name! Don't even think|his name! Or he will come.
|And you won't.
Oh, for god's sake! There's no such thing|as The Melty Man! Ahh!|Ahh! The Melty Man! Join me, Patrick.
Never!|You killed my erection! No, Patrick.
I am your erection.
Nooooooooooo! Come on.
This is going to be okay.
No, Patrick.
I can see into your puny mind.
You care for this woman.
You wish to impress her.
You will be nervous,|and you will be mine.
This is the weakness|you humans call "emotion.
" What?|I care for her? That's what all this|is about.
It's just because|I like her? You didn't know that?|No.
Oh.
|Bugger.
But I thought there was|something wrong with me.
I thought Sally? Sally.
Why not? Well, what do you know? Hello, partner.
Come on, rocket man, Let's fly her|to the moon.
Body swerve.
Close one, Patrick.
make your mind up We'll never get started And I don't want to wind up Being parted Broken-hearted So if you really love me Say yes And please don't tell me Perhaps