Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) s02e04 Episode Script
When Will Josh and His Friend Leave Me Alone?
1 Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Neither man is actually offering you a relationship.
Is it neither or kind of both? GREG: You sold our house? I'm giving you half the money.
So you can go to school.
Y-Your dream school, Emory.
I can't just pick up and move across the country out of nowhere, I'm not crazy.
This is just a fight, this is a fight.
All couples fight.
No, we're not a couple, Rebecca.
REBECCA: And it's about me and Greg.
I mean, him and me getting together, it's the most obvious thing in the world.
What? Wait, wait, wait! Wait! What happened? Where are you going? I am applying to law school! I don't want to know.
DARRYL: You start this semester.
Nothing can stop you, Paula.
Not anymore.
I was gonna spread my wings and fly.
I'm so stupid.
Greg, wait, wait! Wait! What happened? Where are you going? To Emory.
- Finally.
- What? But Greg Greg, you and I were gonna start over.
Me seeing you on that bridge, that was a sign.
That we should be together.
I want to believe that.
I do.
But that's not how life works.
Rebecca, there are no signs.
Life doesn't happen to you.
You make decisions.
And right now, I'm deciding to move forward with my life.
But you can't deny our feelings for each other.
You and I have had some great moments together.
Some of the best of my life.
But in between that, it got confusing and hard, and bad for both of us.
So you were just gonna leave without saying goodbye to me? I couldn't say goodbye.
If I did, I would never leave.
So that means you love me.
Of course I love you.
I love you, yes And I'll confess The thought of staying is so enticing Then stay.
And when you speak My knees get weak I can't believe what I'm sacrificing But let's get real We know the deal So darling Let's not tip-toe This thing we had Was not just bad It was a (bleep) show Greg, come on, it wasn't exactly Shh, let me finish.
We can't undo Can't make amends Dysfunction is our lingua franca We can't unscrew Each other's friends We're Jerry Springer Not Casablanca There's hard to get Then there's neglect To say it's fate You'd have to be a bit slow Not to be crass But this sucked ass This was a (bleep) show Chernobyl next to us Looks like a campfire Okay, I-I get it.
I get it.
Hurricane Katrina Was just bad weather We have chemistry of course But that's a formula for divorce A play about pieces of feces Is what we are together But Greg Oh, what the hell Let's get a hotel 'Cause life is short And we're not getting any younger But after sex What happens next I mean in the long run Not just fatigue and hunger And when you say That I should stay That's exactly when I should split Though I won't forget I won't regret This beautiful, heart stopping Breathtaking, life-changing.
(instrumental music continues) (sniffles) PAULA: Here's some tea, doll.
What's wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone want me? Josh dumped me and then and then Greg abandoned me.
Okay, that is not the situation Yes, it is! He left and he called our relationship feces.
Okay, well maybe he didn't, you know, use the best words, but I mean, that's why he's going back to school.
And, I'm sorry, but you guys are not good for each other.
He needed to move on and good for him for taking that step.
(sniffles) I hope he dies.
If he ever comes back, I'm just gonna be like, "Die!" Okay, let it let it go.
Let Greg go.
Just let both of them go.
I don't know who I am without them.
I know that's pathetic.
I know it's pathetic, but it's true.
Who am I supposed to be now? Honey, be yourself.
What?! Who? No! Ew.
Ugh.
Who wants to be that? Paula, you just don't understand.
You don't know what it's like to be at a crossroads, and not know what to do next.
You're right, honey.
I don't.
ANNOUNCER (on TV): with it now across the center-line as the defense settles in Turn the TV down! I can't think! Mom, I'm starving.
- (refrigerator opens) - We just had dinner.
Babe, do we have stamps? I don't know, did you buy them? (refrigerator closes) Mmm.
Ma, don't wake me up in the morning.
I can sleep in.
I got suspended.
Not my fault.
I was playing with my lighter and some kid got his book in my fire.
Brendan, I am so disappointed in you.
Put that on some bread.
(sighs) He gets suspended and you yell at him for eating naked cheese? You're in that mood, huh? You-you want a chardonnay? - You know I can't.
- Oh, it won't hurt.
You're only a little bit pregnant.
Oh, right, 'cause we only had a little bit of intercourse.
You, uh, sure you want another baby? There are options, you know.
We just won't mention it to Father Brah and he won't tell God.
Scott, I am a married mother of two.
Okay, those options are for teenagers the month after winter formal.
You know who I think you should talk to? Rebecca.
She's young.
I bet she's had tons of options.
(scoffs) Rebecca is the last person I want to tell.
Well, when I let her know that I'm not going to law school because I'm having this baby, I mean, she's She's not gonna understand.
She is your best friend.
Well, I don't want to burden her.
I mean, she's recovering from not one, but two breakups.
So (scrubbing) Okay.
I'm gonna move on.
Yeah.
I'm gonna move on, just like Paula said.
I'm gonna figure out who I am and scrub these men out of my life.
Are you sure you want do that? Greg? Greg, I knew you wouldn't leave me.
I knew you'd come back! Of course I did.
I could never leave you.
And I'm here, too.
What? BOTH: We will never leave you, Rebecca.
Never.
Great.
Ghosts.
(sighs) No, no, I know what you guys are.
You're dream ghosts.
What? No.
- Dream ghosts are lame.
- So lame.
We're memory spirits.
- Coined it! - Oh, nice, dude.
I pitched ex-ray visions, but we're not named Ray, so (Greg sighs) Memory spirits are old boyfriends who haunt their exes.
We are polter-guys.
What? (chuckling): Coined that, too.
Dude, that's awesome.
(groans) Okay, I guess scrubbing you out of my life wasn't enough.
I need to sweep you out.
Where's my broom? You can't sweep us out.
We're everywhere.
This house is filled with memories of us.
Remember? I banged you here I nailed you there - And on this couch - And in this chair - In the doorway - The hallway On every stair BOTH: We tapped that ass all over this house (tapping) Sometimes him, sometimes me Though never simultaneously But one of us was hitting it usually BOTH: We tapped that ass all over this house (tapping) You'll never escape us 'Cause we live in your head Just two swell dudes that you screwed - Here - And here - And there - And here And even occasionally in your bed - That bed is really uncomfortable.
- Right? It's like a prison cot.
On the stove Over the sink And sort of in the fridge One time I think And then we hit the back patio That's where we hit your back patio-oh! We tapped that ass all over this house How many times did we tap that behind? Well, let's estimate On an average day I would have to say Mmm A five, six, seven, eight What? Too cheeky? Hey, does this ring a bell? (high-pitched): A little to the left.
(high-pitched): Oh, oh, okay, now, a little to the right.
Oh, oh, wait, wait, back to the left.
- Right there, right there.
- JOSH: Wait, no, you're doing it wrong.
I'll do it myself.
Barkeep, what's on tap? It's me.
And my ass.
Ooh! Sounds refreshing.
On the table you were willing and able On the ottoman, you took a lotta man And on the safe in the closet I made a deposit I also tapped that ass all over this house Let's wrap this up with a big finish! But where should we finish? Please not on my chest.
No, you'll scratch it.
On the accent wall On the bathroom floor - You didn't care where - You just wanted more BOTH: How much more tappin' could one ass endure? We tapped that ass Tapped that ass Tapped that ass Tapped that ass We tapped that ass All over this house! Goodbye, Josh.
Goodbye, Greg.
Adios, Josh.
Fare-thee-well, Gregorino.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Mm.
(sirens wailing) (knocks on door) Oh, good, you're up.
Okay, so, (voice breaking): can I sleep here tonight, please? (groans) Oh, my God, that was you? You lit the fire? No, no, no, okay, so I was trying to burn some ex-boyfriend memorabilia.
And it was all an accident.
Well, not the fire, but the fire! Ah, well, you could've burned down the whole complex.
I was gonna run out and see it, but then I was tired.
Okay, so, I'm tired too, so I'll just I'll just-I'll just sleep here, yeah? MRS.
DAVIS: Heather? Is everything okay? Oh, hello, hi.
Who are you? Heather, I thought - you lived alone.
- What? No, I live with my parents.
You know that.
I do? You've met them.
I have? Your parking spot is next to mine.
And I was the one who kept getting your Playbill Magazine, remember? And you keep scraping the side of my car? (robot voice): Mm.
Searching database for facial recognition.
Beep, beep, beep, eh, matches not found.
- (laughter) - Don't be weird.
I'm so sorry to wake you, Mr.
and Mrs.
Heather.
Davis.
My last name's Davis.
What's wrong with you? I was in a fire.
(crying): It was so scary.
- Oh, thank you.
- HEATHER: Aw.
No.
It's okay.
I mean Ugh.
Okay, Mom, Dad, can Rebecca crash on the sofa, or whatever? Of course, I'll go get a blanket.
And I make some mean pancakes, Heather will tell you.
Oh, well, good, I-I am kind of hungry.
Well, I was thinking more breakfast, but sure, why not? Guys, it's 2:00 a.
m.
- Which means it's morning.
- Dad Heather, your parents are so nice.
(drawn-out groan) Yeah.
Do you want strawberry cat ears, or blueberry smiles on those flapjacks? Get out of my head, you angel.
Both, I'll take both! (inhales deeply and sniffs) Where is she? She went to work, dear.
She borrowed some of my clothes.
- Why, what's wrong? - This.
Photo credit, the jerk in 7B.
(phone beeps) DISPATCH: 911, what is your emergency? REBECCA: Well, I was in a love triangle with two best friends named Josh and Greg and they both rejected me, so I tried to light a fire and burn all their stuff and it's so smoky in here and I'm so sad.
Hold on, I have to poo.
DISPATCH: Ma'am, is there a fire in your house? Don't go into your bathroom.
- REBECCA: Okay, I'll poo outside.
- What is your name, Ma'am? My name is Rebecca Nora Bunch from West Covina.
(groans) I'm in the backyard and I got poo on my shoes.
Hurry.
(elevator dings) What? Are you okay? Oh, you must be so humiliated.
KAREN: If I were you, I would start working on an alias.
Karen, I'm totally fine.
- Mine would be Eva Longoria.
- What? - That's already someone.
- Is it? REBECCA: (groans) I'm in the backyard and I got poo on my shoes.
Hurry.
(mouse click) - (mouse click) - DISPATCH: 911, was it your emergency? Okay, no, enough of this, we're not watching this anymore.
Okay, this is gonna blow over in, like, two seconds.
What are you wearing, by the way? Mm, it's Heather's mom's clothes.
I can't go back to my apartment, like, ever.
It's okay, I'll go to your apartment and get your things.
Memory spirits will not mess with Mama Paula.
- (moans) Thank you.
Okay.
- (chuckles) (sighs) You don't think that many people saw this, do you? Uh Like, like, Josh and Greg haven't seen it.
No, no.
No, no, no, I don't think anybody sent it to them.
Hey, forget me, forget this, what-what's new with you? Me? Uh, nothing.
Are you sure? Because you've seemed a little I don't know, distracted lately, and I want to be a good friend.
Tell me, I'm a good listener.
(crying): I'm a good listener.
So just tell me! Okay.
Babe, why don't you go home, and take like a personal disaster day No, no, I want to be in the meeting! Okay, are you sure? 'Cause it's a douche company and Karen's gonna be there just talking all about her vagina.
And we're just gonna be throwing up.
No, no, it'll make me feel better to work.
And plus, I want to prove to everyone that I'm okay.
DARRYL: Okay! Is everybody ready to get their douche on? (laughs) Oh.
I am so sorry if I offended.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That was just I am not offended by the word "douche" at all.
- (chuckles) No.
- Oh.
At Miss Douche, we are very proud of our products and everything they do for women.
No, we're honored the women entrust us with the care and cleanliness of their special parts.
(shudders) Personally, I am a fan.
I've been using your products for years.
Would you sign my box? Her douche box.
Maybe later.
Look, we-we want to reclaim the word "douche.
" We think it could be the cornerstone of female empowerment.
Empowerment? Well, yes! We know that our company's image is retro and that's why we're re-branding.
We're moving into new market places, we're redefining ourselves.
Hence the new facility in Pomona you're working on.
Yeah, new headquarters, new image, new us.
We are starting over.
Starting over, yeah.
Yeah, our name and image are a liability, we get that, you know.
People sometimes laugh, they childishly giggle at us.
Let alone all the anti-douching research funded by Big Vagina.
Nothing worse than Big Vagina.
Oh, amen.
No, but when I am done with this re-branding, no one will laugh at me.
I mean, us anymore.
(chuckles) You know, um, you know, re-branding, you were talking about that, and I'm so fascinated by that - from a business perspective.
- Oh.
Tell me, how does a person or a business completely change their entire identity so that everyone forgets what they were like before? Well, for us, it starts with a new marketing push.
We're launching a new Miss Douche logo.
So instead of an illustration, she'll be a real woman, flesh and blood.
Probably should not mention blood when I'm pitching it.
Anyway, we're looking for her now.
How are you doing that? Oh, it's a grass roots viral campaign.
So, the contestants send their photos to us on Instagram.
The five with the most likes become the finalists, and then we pick the winner.
Oh, God, When the world sees the new Miss Douche on-on a billboard, a pop-up ad or on TV, they're just gonna say, "Wow, look at that new Miss Douche! - (elevator dings) - She really has her act together.
" Paula, Paula, can you do all the research for the permitting for Trina's case? I need you to pull blueprints, file motions, set hearings Uh-Uh, I can't do those things.
- I'm not a lawyer.
- Oh, but you basically are.
And you're the only person I would trust to take this over.
Listen, I have to recuse myself from the case.
I have a conflict of interest.
What are you talking about? Paula, I need to become a douche.
Miss Douche! Ow! This Miss Douche case is so complicated.
Look at us, dividing up our domestic duties.
Are you cooking or doing inventory? I'm making bacon-wrapped chicken, and, uh it's hard.
Babe, I see what you're doing here, and I-I really appreciate it.
You're trying to show me that I can go to law school and have a baby, and that our lives can still work.
Exactly.
See, I'm crushing it.
(chuckles) Tommy, Brendan, dinner.
Tommy! Tommy! Where the hell is Tommy? I'm gonna count to three, young man.
Don't let me get to three! One, two Oh, I completely forgot to pick up Tommy.
Shoot! Uh, Brendan, go get Tommy.
My license is suspended again.
Just go get him.
Uh, take the back roads.
So I, uh I need a little practice in the domestic arts, but I'll get there.
Honey, I'm gonna call the law school tomorrow and tell them that I can't go.
We are overwhelmed on our best day.
And we cannot add a baby and law school to this.
But you love law, and you're good at it.
And you have the perfect name for a lawyer Paula Proctor, Esquire.
The only better job would be - Paula Proctor, Doctor.
- Stop it.
We have made a decision, and we need to stop talking about it.
Now let's eat around some chicken.
(dog barking in distance) - So, it's a contest - (crunches) to see who will be the new Miss Douche! - Ooh, a contest.
Wonderful! - I love Miss Douche.
It's been around since I was a kid.
My mother used it! She always smelled like a salad.
- Exactly! - Ew.
This whole thing is dumb.
The only thing grosser than a douche is an internet contest.
Heather, I need to do this, okay? I need to re-brand.
My 9-1-1 video is up to 10,000 hits, and everyone I've ever met is texting me, saying things like, "Are you okay? I saw the video.
" I need to change the narrative.
If I'm Miss Douche, then everyone will know that I'm okay.
Everyone.
Josh and Greg and Audra Levine and my mother, my garbage father everybody! So you want everyone to see you as a douche.
- (gasps) - Honey, you're not being supportive.
- I'm repeating what she said.
- Okay, so let's see who has the most likes.
Help me scope out the competish.
Okay.
So, these are the girls who have the most likes so far.
Okay And all right.
Okay, there's that girl Mm-hmm.
This is not for you.
- What do you mean? - They all look like gorgeous mermaids who grew feet and went to Coachella.
- Oh, I could look like that.
- Sure, if you had five years, a team of professionals and different DNA.
MRS.
DAVIS: Honey, that's not nice.
Heather.
You are smart, but wrong.
I can look like that.
All I need is one thing.
I need what every girl needs after a breakups.
- A makeover! - MR.
AND MRS.
DAVIS: Oh! Cue the song! Oh, you're right! She needs a makeover - A makeover, a makeover - MR.
DAVIS: Hey! Mom, no.
Mom.
No.
It's something like No, it's something like, that's what I it's kind of something like that, in my head.
It's a make over, makey-makeover It's a makey-makey-makey- makey-makey makeover Old you in the garbage, new you in display case Old you was a diaper, new you is a diamond Makeover, it's a makey-makeover It's a makey-lakey-wakey- fakey-bakey-makeover Process Process Reveal, reveal Hairs, nailies - Sparkle magic horse - (horse neighs) Makeover, it's a makey-makeover It's a makey-lakey-wakey- fakey-bakey-cakey-rakey-nakey I had a stroke I had a stroke I had a stroke I had a stroke.
(elevator dings) Wow.
Look at you! - I woke up like this.
- (chuckles) So, I didn't really wake up like this, but don't tell anybody, okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Hey.
Paula, I feel like you're not vibing with my new vibe.
I-It's great.
- (phone beeps) - Okay.
(unlocks iPhone) (gasps) Oh, my God! Yes! Yes! Yes! I went so way up in likes! I paid a bunch of bots to like my photos It only cost me five grand And (gasps) I'm in the top ten for Miss Douche.
Oh, my God, I'm so close.
Okay.
Honey, I know that you are really sad that Josh and Greg dumped you, and you have done a classic post-breakup makeover Paula.
You don't understand.
So, when I'm Miss Douche, the entire world is gonna see how awesome and effortless I now am.
I mean, it only takes me two hours to achieve this look.
- I mean, four if I haven't had coffee.
- Okay, well, this look is not going to bring - either of them back.
- I know that.
This isn't just about Josh and Greg, this is about feeling good about myself.
I mean, I finally feel, Paula, like I've found the true, authentic me.
(laughs) "Authentic.
" Yeah.
So authentic that you stapled horse hair to your head.
Okay.
You sound real stupid, because it's not staples, it's glue.
And it's not horse hair, it's dead people hair, so Oops.
Sorry.
I need some more glue.
Not stapes, so B.
R.
B.
(exhales) (birds chirping) Mm (exhales) Oh.
Hey, Josh.
Um hello, Miss.
No! Josh, Josh, it's-it's It's me, it's Becks! Oh Wow.
Rebecca? You look so So - Look at you! - I know, right? It's-it's great.
I'm doing this contest, and did you not see my Instagram pic of my makeover? Said, hashtag "alwayshydrate"? I mean, I haven't checked all the likes, there are so many likes.
So, I couldn't tell if if you were on there.
Oh.
I haven't been online for a while.
I'm on an internet cleanse.
I do it every once in a while.
Just Sometimes, there's crazy stuff online that you know, bums me out, you know what I mean? Josh, if you're talking about that 9-1-1 phone call, and the fire You know, I've been meaning to tell you, I wasn't screaming "Josh, Greg, Josh, Greg," that wasn't about you, that was about my good friend Josh Greg, with whom I went to both Harvard and Yale, and he's in a really bad place, 'cause his cousin just died.
What 9-1-1 call? I was talking about people who post pictures of polar bears on melting ice caps.
What fire? Oh, so you didn't hear about D-uh, uh, the it's-it's oh, my gosh.
It's a it was no, no, no.
It's noth Mm-mm.
Mm-mm.
And and you're in a contest? Is it a costume contest? Is that why you're wearing that funny costume? (chuckles softly) Uh, no.
It's not a it's not a costume.
This is um, this is how I dress now.
This is my new my look.
Oh, s uh.
Rebecca.
I'm sorry.
No Whatever you're going through right now, uh it'll get better.
I promise.
Okay, but it can't get better when it's already the best.
Take care, Rebecca.
Cool.
I don't need taking care of, though, so (sighs) (groans) Get up.
- Get up! - Mm! You've been sleeping for, like, - two days! - Aah! Your expensive bots pushed your likes over the edge.
Dude, you made it into the finals! So, like, get up and go to your dumb contest.
Try to be Miss Douche, you idiot.
Wait.
I made it? - Yeah.
- Oh Oh, yeah.
I was a pretty hot girl.
No, it doesn't matter 'cause I give up.
What You can't give up.
You put in all that stupid effort.
- Eh.
- MR.
DAVIS: Rebecca.
Here.
I made something for you with a special cookie cutter and lots of love.
Thank you, Mr.
Heather.
She's refusing to go to her dumb contest.
Tell her that she has to go.
I don't know, honey.
She really seems like she wants to quit.
MR.
DAVIS: Rebecca, sweetie, you don't have to do anything you started.
- What - Yay.
No What? She permanently damaged her appearance and she needs to see this thing through.
We never made you do that, honey.
Yes.
You tried a lot of different things and we supported you every time you wanted to quit something.
We still have all the musical instruments you only played for a week.
(moans) You guys are talking so loud! Okay, no.
No - Get up! - No! - You get up! - (whimpers) You wanted to show the world you were okay after that embarrassing 9-1-1 video, so come on! - Let's go! - (rips) That's disgusting.
Girl, get your hair glue and let's Vámonos, which is the only word I know in Spanish 'cause I only took it for a week.
ANNOUNCER: Our next contestant is Melanie Muñoz from Fort Lauderdale.
(applause) Miss Muños, do you yourself use the Miss Douche product? Absolutely.
Freshness is so important to me.
It gives me confidence to go about my day, knowing I don't have any unnecessary bacteria.
So, I feel free and relaxed.
And free.
(chuckles) (applause) ANNOUNCER: Okay.
Rebecca Bunch! (whooping, applause) (whoops) (sighs) Well, Miss Bunch.
We at Miss Douche were surprised to see you enter this competition, knowing you and and knowing your background.
(laughs) You are a most unusual candidate.
An Ivy League education, a full-time career, and yet, you still say you have time to be a, um "Mad chill SoCal sun soaker!" Yes.
Um.
Well I would say that I try to be everything a modern woman should aspire to be.
Um Sort of a a cross between Beyoncé - and Sheryl Sandberg.
- Well.
Well, we want to know more about the real you.
What what drives you? Well, I guess what I'm saying is Who are you, Rebecca Bunch? GREG: Yeah.
Who are you, Bunch? JOSH: Yeah.
Who are you, Becks? Uh - Good morning, Your Honor.
- You don't have to call me Your Honor.
I'm a planning manager, not a judge.
Yes, Your Honor, sorry.
I am Paula Proctor from Whitefeather & Associates, representing Miss Douche Incorporated, LLC.
I have submitted my client's plans for a facility in Pomona, which houses the lab and offices of 240 employees.
Miss Proctor, could you slow down? I understood every other word you just said.
So, the facility can be zoned for mixed use and, thereby, be covered under the light industrial zoning provisions.
And that is all, Your Honor.
Sorry.
Sorry.
That is all sir.
(exhales) Miss Proctor, just going through your paperwork here and I don't see an esquire behind your name.
Um Uh You're not an attorney, are you? Um Then who are you, Miss Proctor? Um REBECCA: Who am I? Yes, we've asked you three times now.
Right, right, um but it's hard because I've been trying to figure that out myself.
Um I think what you're asking is, uh, do I deserve to be Miss Douche? This morning, I didn't think so.
No, I, um I'm only here because because of my friend, Heather.
She's right there, yeah.
She reminded me of why I entered this contest in the first place, which was to show the world that I'm okay.
But I'm not okay.
No, um the truth is I'm heartbroken.
And if you'd like proof of this, you can see my, um as YouTube calls it, "Crazy Lady 911 Phone Call" all over the Internet.
Wow.
(sighs) I don't deserve to be Miss Douche.
I-I don't.
I-I'm not, like, chill and cool I'm just, I'm not.
You should find someone who's like that, like my friend, Heather.
She's like that, but I'm I'm not, so, um peace and love.
Ugh.
You can turn off the spotlight.
You don't need Really, please, don't.
Ple can you just put it ? Okay.
Wow.
So who-who are you? Um I'm a student.
Okay.
You caught me.
I am not a lawyer.
I wanted to be one.
I was even gonna go back to school.
Yeah.
Um, but that's, um that's not gonna work out for me.
But, um, listen, I I did work really hard on this case, sir.
I even let my husband serve raw poultry to me and my children, okay? I wrote a hundred page brief.
It is really good and it supports everything I just said, so if you could, if you could just read it please.
I already did.
And you're right, you did a great job.
Better than most lawyers that appear before this board.
Most of them just phone it in.
I'm going to grant your petition.
Well done.
Thank you.
If you ask me, you'd make a damn good attorney.
Paula Proctor, Esquire.
It's got a nice ring to it, doesn't it? (door opens and closes) (exhales) Oh.
I'm sorry.
I just I wanted you guys to be proud of me.
You participated.
You should get some sort of certificate for that.
At least a ribbon, if not a trophy.
That's a great idea, honey.
We'll stop and get you a ribbon on the way home.
Home, yes, okay, so, here's the thing, guys.
It's been so fun, but I think I need to move on.
But I-I'll still see you around, I promise.
You're just saying that.
That's just a thing people say.
No, no, I mean it.
Bring it in, Heathers.
Oh.
Come on.
At least we still have Heather.
She'll need us for the rest of her life.
Come on, honey.
Let's go home.
Um, no, sorry, I'm moving out, too.
What? Guys, I won.
Uh sorry, what did you win? I am Miss Douche.
It's so weird.
I won ten grand and a lifetime supply of walnut bark douches.
You won something?! Honey, she won something! How is that even possible?! And there's the problem right there.
Mom, Dad, I love you guys very much, but you reward failure and that's why I still live at home.
Also, I like the neighborhood.
So many trees.
Come on, Rebecca, let's go.
We have to start looking for a place to live.
Wait, you want to live with me? You've spent the last few days insulting every one of my decisions.
Yeah, exactly.
You need me really badly.
But I don't have any credit, so you're gonna have to cosign.
Hope you don't mind.
I have so many questions.
You feeling okay? Yeah.
Not too bad.
Doctor said you might need to rest up for a bit.
I was gonna make you dinner but, uh, I figured you've been through enough today, so I'm ordering pizza.
Oh you are the best.
(chuckles) Thank you.
- (doorbell rings) - BRENDAN: Mom, I'll get it since you just had an abortion! You're a good son, Brendan! I love you, Paula Proctor, Esquire.
I love you, too, honey.
BRENDAN: Mom! It's Rebecca! - Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, wow.
Oh, Go thank God, you're not blonde.
I thought you liked it.
Yeah, oh, no, I kind of did.
I did.
It's just oh, it just wasn't you.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
So, Darryl said you called in sick.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm okay.
Look, I know something's been up with you lately and I want to know what it is.
Really, I mean it this time.
I just You know, I had a thing.
I figured it out.
It's I'm just so happy to see you.
Oh, God, you-you just, you seem so much better.
Yeah.
You know, I realized that I was trying to change my outside instead of my inside.
I mean, it's exactly what I did with Josh and Greg, you know, letting outside relationships define me.
And I'm I'm not gonna do that anymore.
Well, that is very wise, my dear.
I know Josh and I shouldn't be together.
And I know that Greg's in a better place.
Atlanta.
He didn't die.
Um I know that but I just wish I could stop thinking about him and I think I know how.
Hello? Anyone here? Greg? Ghost Greg? Am I just talking to myself? Great, I hate that.
(sighs) GREG: Hey.
Hey.
You're still here.
Because you're still thinking about me.
Right.
So, about that I need you to go.
Um, I did.
I got on a plane.
No, I mean imaginary you.
I need you to stop haunting me.
I need you to get out of my head.
I understand why you had to leave West Covina and someday I will be happy for you.
But just for now I need you to leave here and here.
But I can stay with you, so when you see tacos or you watch the dog show, you'll think of me.
No, I don't want that anymore.
I need to move on.
We have to say good-bye.
Are you sure? Good-bye, Greg.
Good-bye, house.
HEATHER: To letting go of the past.
To letting go of the past.
Good-bye to my parents and your terrible boyfriends.
Right.
Although, you did also date Greg.
Meh.
All right, what do you think of this house? It's 50 thousand a month and it's in Bel Air.
But it has a bowling alley.
Hmm no.
Okay, never mind, it doesn't matter what house we live in.
We're gonna have so much fun, roomie.
- (chuckles) - Oh, yeah.
Antics will be had.
Oh, no, I don't antic.
- Come on.
- No.
OMG, sorry, for a second, I thought that person housing that donut over there was Valencia.
What? No.
Valencia would never eat a Oh, my God, it's Valencia.
Run, run, run.
Uh, run.
Run.
Hi, Valencia.
Is it neither or kind of both? GREG: You sold our house? I'm giving you half the money.
So you can go to school.
Y-Your dream school, Emory.
I can't just pick up and move across the country out of nowhere, I'm not crazy.
This is just a fight, this is a fight.
All couples fight.
No, we're not a couple, Rebecca.
REBECCA: And it's about me and Greg.
I mean, him and me getting together, it's the most obvious thing in the world.
What? Wait, wait, wait! Wait! What happened? Where are you going? I am applying to law school! I don't want to know.
DARRYL: You start this semester.
Nothing can stop you, Paula.
Not anymore.
I was gonna spread my wings and fly.
I'm so stupid.
Greg, wait, wait! Wait! What happened? Where are you going? To Emory.
- Finally.
- What? But Greg Greg, you and I were gonna start over.
Me seeing you on that bridge, that was a sign.
That we should be together.
I want to believe that.
I do.
But that's not how life works.
Rebecca, there are no signs.
Life doesn't happen to you.
You make decisions.
And right now, I'm deciding to move forward with my life.
But you can't deny our feelings for each other.
You and I have had some great moments together.
Some of the best of my life.
But in between that, it got confusing and hard, and bad for both of us.
So you were just gonna leave without saying goodbye to me? I couldn't say goodbye.
If I did, I would never leave.
So that means you love me.
Of course I love you.
I love you, yes And I'll confess The thought of staying is so enticing Then stay.
And when you speak My knees get weak I can't believe what I'm sacrificing But let's get real We know the deal So darling Let's not tip-toe This thing we had Was not just bad It was a (bleep) show Greg, come on, it wasn't exactly Shh, let me finish.
We can't undo Can't make amends Dysfunction is our lingua franca We can't unscrew Each other's friends We're Jerry Springer Not Casablanca There's hard to get Then there's neglect To say it's fate You'd have to be a bit slow Not to be crass But this sucked ass This was a (bleep) show Chernobyl next to us Looks like a campfire Okay, I-I get it.
I get it.
Hurricane Katrina Was just bad weather We have chemistry of course But that's a formula for divorce A play about pieces of feces Is what we are together But Greg Oh, what the hell Let's get a hotel 'Cause life is short And we're not getting any younger But after sex What happens next I mean in the long run Not just fatigue and hunger And when you say That I should stay That's exactly when I should split Though I won't forget I won't regret This beautiful, heart stopping Breathtaking, life-changing.
(instrumental music continues) (sniffles) PAULA: Here's some tea, doll.
What's wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone want me? Josh dumped me and then and then Greg abandoned me.
Okay, that is not the situation Yes, it is! He left and he called our relationship feces.
Okay, well maybe he didn't, you know, use the best words, but I mean, that's why he's going back to school.
And, I'm sorry, but you guys are not good for each other.
He needed to move on and good for him for taking that step.
(sniffles) I hope he dies.
If he ever comes back, I'm just gonna be like, "Die!" Okay, let it let it go.
Let Greg go.
Just let both of them go.
I don't know who I am without them.
I know that's pathetic.
I know it's pathetic, but it's true.
Who am I supposed to be now? Honey, be yourself.
What?! Who? No! Ew.
Ugh.
Who wants to be that? Paula, you just don't understand.
You don't know what it's like to be at a crossroads, and not know what to do next.
You're right, honey.
I don't.
ANNOUNCER (on TV): with it now across the center-line as the defense settles in Turn the TV down! I can't think! Mom, I'm starving.
- (refrigerator opens) - We just had dinner.
Babe, do we have stamps? I don't know, did you buy them? (refrigerator closes) Mmm.
Ma, don't wake me up in the morning.
I can sleep in.
I got suspended.
Not my fault.
I was playing with my lighter and some kid got his book in my fire.
Brendan, I am so disappointed in you.
Put that on some bread.
(sighs) He gets suspended and you yell at him for eating naked cheese? You're in that mood, huh? You-you want a chardonnay? - You know I can't.
- Oh, it won't hurt.
You're only a little bit pregnant.
Oh, right, 'cause we only had a little bit of intercourse.
You, uh, sure you want another baby? There are options, you know.
We just won't mention it to Father Brah and he won't tell God.
Scott, I am a married mother of two.
Okay, those options are for teenagers the month after winter formal.
You know who I think you should talk to? Rebecca.
She's young.
I bet she's had tons of options.
(scoffs) Rebecca is the last person I want to tell.
Well, when I let her know that I'm not going to law school because I'm having this baby, I mean, she's She's not gonna understand.
She is your best friend.
Well, I don't want to burden her.
I mean, she's recovering from not one, but two breakups.
So (scrubbing) Okay.
I'm gonna move on.
Yeah.
I'm gonna move on, just like Paula said.
I'm gonna figure out who I am and scrub these men out of my life.
Are you sure you want do that? Greg? Greg, I knew you wouldn't leave me.
I knew you'd come back! Of course I did.
I could never leave you.
And I'm here, too.
What? BOTH: We will never leave you, Rebecca.
Never.
Great.
Ghosts.
(sighs) No, no, I know what you guys are.
You're dream ghosts.
What? No.
- Dream ghosts are lame.
- So lame.
We're memory spirits.
- Coined it! - Oh, nice, dude.
I pitched ex-ray visions, but we're not named Ray, so (Greg sighs) Memory spirits are old boyfriends who haunt their exes.
We are polter-guys.
What? (chuckling): Coined that, too.
Dude, that's awesome.
(groans) Okay, I guess scrubbing you out of my life wasn't enough.
I need to sweep you out.
Where's my broom? You can't sweep us out.
We're everywhere.
This house is filled with memories of us.
Remember? I banged you here I nailed you there - And on this couch - And in this chair - In the doorway - The hallway On every stair BOTH: We tapped that ass all over this house (tapping) Sometimes him, sometimes me Though never simultaneously But one of us was hitting it usually BOTH: We tapped that ass all over this house (tapping) You'll never escape us 'Cause we live in your head Just two swell dudes that you screwed - Here - And here - And there - And here And even occasionally in your bed - That bed is really uncomfortable.
- Right? It's like a prison cot.
On the stove Over the sink And sort of in the fridge One time I think And then we hit the back patio That's where we hit your back patio-oh! We tapped that ass all over this house How many times did we tap that behind? Well, let's estimate On an average day I would have to say Mmm A five, six, seven, eight What? Too cheeky? Hey, does this ring a bell? (high-pitched): A little to the left.
(high-pitched): Oh, oh, okay, now, a little to the right.
Oh, oh, wait, wait, back to the left.
- Right there, right there.
- JOSH: Wait, no, you're doing it wrong.
I'll do it myself.
Barkeep, what's on tap? It's me.
And my ass.
Ooh! Sounds refreshing.
On the table you were willing and able On the ottoman, you took a lotta man And on the safe in the closet I made a deposit I also tapped that ass all over this house Let's wrap this up with a big finish! But where should we finish? Please not on my chest.
No, you'll scratch it.
On the accent wall On the bathroom floor - You didn't care where - You just wanted more BOTH: How much more tappin' could one ass endure? We tapped that ass Tapped that ass Tapped that ass Tapped that ass We tapped that ass All over this house! Goodbye, Josh.
Goodbye, Greg.
Adios, Josh.
Fare-thee-well, Gregorino.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Mm.
(sirens wailing) (knocks on door) Oh, good, you're up.
Okay, so, (voice breaking): can I sleep here tonight, please? (groans) Oh, my God, that was you? You lit the fire? No, no, no, okay, so I was trying to burn some ex-boyfriend memorabilia.
And it was all an accident.
Well, not the fire, but the fire! Ah, well, you could've burned down the whole complex.
I was gonna run out and see it, but then I was tired.
Okay, so, I'm tired too, so I'll just I'll just-I'll just sleep here, yeah? MRS.
DAVIS: Heather? Is everything okay? Oh, hello, hi.
Who are you? Heather, I thought - you lived alone.
- What? No, I live with my parents.
You know that.
I do? You've met them.
I have? Your parking spot is next to mine.
And I was the one who kept getting your Playbill Magazine, remember? And you keep scraping the side of my car? (robot voice): Mm.
Searching database for facial recognition.
Beep, beep, beep, eh, matches not found.
- (laughter) - Don't be weird.
I'm so sorry to wake you, Mr.
and Mrs.
Heather.
Davis.
My last name's Davis.
What's wrong with you? I was in a fire.
(crying): It was so scary.
- Oh, thank you.
- HEATHER: Aw.
No.
It's okay.
I mean Ugh.
Okay, Mom, Dad, can Rebecca crash on the sofa, or whatever? Of course, I'll go get a blanket.
And I make some mean pancakes, Heather will tell you.
Oh, well, good, I-I am kind of hungry.
Well, I was thinking more breakfast, but sure, why not? Guys, it's 2:00 a.
m.
- Which means it's morning.
- Dad Heather, your parents are so nice.
(drawn-out groan) Yeah.
Do you want strawberry cat ears, or blueberry smiles on those flapjacks? Get out of my head, you angel.
Both, I'll take both! (inhales deeply and sniffs) Where is she? She went to work, dear.
She borrowed some of my clothes.
- Why, what's wrong? - This.
Photo credit, the jerk in 7B.
(phone beeps) DISPATCH: 911, what is your emergency? REBECCA: Well, I was in a love triangle with two best friends named Josh and Greg and they both rejected me, so I tried to light a fire and burn all their stuff and it's so smoky in here and I'm so sad.
Hold on, I have to poo.
DISPATCH: Ma'am, is there a fire in your house? Don't go into your bathroom.
- REBECCA: Okay, I'll poo outside.
- What is your name, Ma'am? My name is Rebecca Nora Bunch from West Covina.
(groans) I'm in the backyard and I got poo on my shoes.
Hurry.
(elevator dings) What? Are you okay? Oh, you must be so humiliated.
KAREN: If I were you, I would start working on an alias.
Karen, I'm totally fine.
- Mine would be Eva Longoria.
- What? - That's already someone.
- Is it? REBECCA: (groans) I'm in the backyard and I got poo on my shoes.
Hurry.
(mouse click) - (mouse click) - DISPATCH: 911, was it your emergency? Okay, no, enough of this, we're not watching this anymore.
Okay, this is gonna blow over in, like, two seconds.
What are you wearing, by the way? Mm, it's Heather's mom's clothes.
I can't go back to my apartment, like, ever.
It's okay, I'll go to your apartment and get your things.
Memory spirits will not mess with Mama Paula.
- (moans) Thank you.
Okay.
- (chuckles) (sighs) You don't think that many people saw this, do you? Uh Like, like, Josh and Greg haven't seen it.
No, no.
No, no, no, I don't think anybody sent it to them.
Hey, forget me, forget this, what-what's new with you? Me? Uh, nothing.
Are you sure? Because you've seemed a little I don't know, distracted lately, and I want to be a good friend.
Tell me, I'm a good listener.
(crying): I'm a good listener.
So just tell me! Okay.
Babe, why don't you go home, and take like a personal disaster day No, no, I want to be in the meeting! Okay, are you sure? 'Cause it's a douche company and Karen's gonna be there just talking all about her vagina.
And we're just gonna be throwing up.
No, no, it'll make me feel better to work.
And plus, I want to prove to everyone that I'm okay.
DARRYL: Okay! Is everybody ready to get their douche on? (laughs) Oh.
I am so sorry if I offended.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
That was just I am not offended by the word "douche" at all.
- (chuckles) No.
- Oh.
At Miss Douche, we are very proud of our products and everything they do for women.
No, we're honored the women entrust us with the care and cleanliness of their special parts.
(shudders) Personally, I am a fan.
I've been using your products for years.
Would you sign my box? Her douche box.
Maybe later.
Look, we-we want to reclaim the word "douche.
" We think it could be the cornerstone of female empowerment.
Empowerment? Well, yes! We know that our company's image is retro and that's why we're re-branding.
We're moving into new market places, we're redefining ourselves.
Hence the new facility in Pomona you're working on.
Yeah, new headquarters, new image, new us.
We are starting over.
Starting over, yeah.
Yeah, our name and image are a liability, we get that, you know.
People sometimes laugh, they childishly giggle at us.
Let alone all the anti-douching research funded by Big Vagina.
Nothing worse than Big Vagina.
Oh, amen.
No, but when I am done with this re-branding, no one will laugh at me.
I mean, us anymore.
(chuckles) You know, um, you know, re-branding, you were talking about that, and I'm so fascinated by that - from a business perspective.
- Oh.
Tell me, how does a person or a business completely change their entire identity so that everyone forgets what they were like before? Well, for us, it starts with a new marketing push.
We're launching a new Miss Douche logo.
So instead of an illustration, she'll be a real woman, flesh and blood.
Probably should not mention blood when I'm pitching it.
Anyway, we're looking for her now.
How are you doing that? Oh, it's a grass roots viral campaign.
So, the contestants send their photos to us on Instagram.
The five with the most likes become the finalists, and then we pick the winner.
Oh, God, When the world sees the new Miss Douche on-on a billboard, a pop-up ad or on TV, they're just gonna say, "Wow, look at that new Miss Douche! - (elevator dings) - She really has her act together.
" Paula, Paula, can you do all the research for the permitting for Trina's case? I need you to pull blueprints, file motions, set hearings Uh-Uh, I can't do those things.
- I'm not a lawyer.
- Oh, but you basically are.
And you're the only person I would trust to take this over.
Listen, I have to recuse myself from the case.
I have a conflict of interest.
What are you talking about? Paula, I need to become a douche.
Miss Douche! Ow! This Miss Douche case is so complicated.
Look at us, dividing up our domestic duties.
Are you cooking or doing inventory? I'm making bacon-wrapped chicken, and, uh it's hard.
Babe, I see what you're doing here, and I-I really appreciate it.
You're trying to show me that I can go to law school and have a baby, and that our lives can still work.
Exactly.
See, I'm crushing it.
(chuckles) Tommy, Brendan, dinner.
Tommy! Tommy! Where the hell is Tommy? I'm gonna count to three, young man.
Don't let me get to three! One, two Oh, I completely forgot to pick up Tommy.
Shoot! Uh, Brendan, go get Tommy.
My license is suspended again.
Just go get him.
Uh, take the back roads.
So I, uh I need a little practice in the domestic arts, but I'll get there.
Honey, I'm gonna call the law school tomorrow and tell them that I can't go.
We are overwhelmed on our best day.
And we cannot add a baby and law school to this.
But you love law, and you're good at it.
And you have the perfect name for a lawyer Paula Proctor, Esquire.
The only better job would be - Paula Proctor, Doctor.
- Stop it.
We have made a decision, and we need to stop talking about it.
Now let's eat around some chicken.
(dog barking in distance) - So, it's a contest - (crunches) to see who will be the new Miss Douche! - Ooh, a contest.
Wonderful! - I love Miss Douche.
It's been around since I was a kid.
My mother used it! She always smelled like a salad.
- Exactly! - Ew.
This whole thing is dumb.
The only thing grosser than a douche is an internet contest.
Heather, I need to do this, okay? I need to re-brand.
My 9-1-1 video is up to 10,000 hits, and everyone I've ever met is texting me, saying things like, "Are you okay? I saw the video.
" I need to change the narrative.
If I'm Miss Douche, then everyone will know that I'm okay.
Everyone.
Josh and Greg and Audra Levine and my mother, my garbage father everybody! So you want everyone to see you as a douche.
- (gasps) - Honey, you're not being supportive.
- I'm repeating what she said.
- Okay, so let's see who has the most likes.
Help me scope out the competish.
Okay.
So, these are the girls who have the most likes so far.
Okay And all right.
Okay, there's that girl Mm-hmm.
This is not for you.
- What do you mean? - They all look like gorgeous mermaids who grew feet and went to Coachella.
- Oh, I could look like that.
- Sure, if you had five years, a team of professionals and different DNA.
MRS.
DAVIS: Honey, that's not nice.
Heather.
You are smart, but wrong.
I can look like that.
All I need is one thing.
I need what every girl needs after a breakups.
- A makeover! - MR.
AND MRS.
DAVIS: Oh! Cue the song! Oh, you're right! She needs a makeover - A makeover, a makeover - MR.
DAVIS: Hey! Mom, no.
Mom.
No.
It's something like No, it's something like, that's what I it's kind of something like that, in my head.
It's a make over, makey-makeover It's a makey-makey-makey- makey-makey makeover Old you in the garbage, new you in display case Old you was a diaper, new you is a diamond Makeover, it's a makey-makeover It's a makey-lakey-wakey- fakey-bakey-makeover Process Process Reveal, reveal Hairs, nailies - Sparkle magic horse - (horse neighs) Makeover, it's a makey-makeover It's a makey-lakey-wakey- fakey-bakey-cakey-rakey-nakey I had a stroke I had a stroke I had a stroke I had a stroke.
(elevator dings) Wow.
Look at you! - I woke up like this.
- (chuckles) So, I didn't really wake up like this, but don't tell anybody, okay? - Okay.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Hey.
Paula, I feel like you're not vibing with my new vibe.
I-It's great.
- (phone beeps) - Okay.
(unlocks iPhone) (gasps) Oh, my God! Yes! Yes! Yes! I went so way up in likes! I paid a bunch of bots to like my photos It only cost me five grand And (gasps) I'm in the top ten for Miss Douche.
Oh, my God, I'm so close.
Okay.
Honey, I know that you are really sad that Josh and Greg dumped you, and you have done a classic post-breakup makeover Paula.
You don't understand.
So, when I'm Miss Douche, the entire world is gonna see how awesome and effortless I now am.
I mean, it only takes me two hours to achieve this look.
- I mean, four if I haven't had coffee.
- Okay, well, this look is not going to bring - either of them back.
- I know that.
This isn't just about Josh and Greg, this is about feeling good about myself.
I mean, I finally feel, Paula, like I've found the true, authentic me.
(laughs) "Authentic.
" Yeah.
So authentic that you stapled horse hair to your head.
Okay.
You sound real stupid, because it's not staples, it's glue.
And it's not horse hair, it's dead people hair, so Oops.
Sorry.
I need some more glue.
Not stapes, so B.
R.
B.
(exhales) (birds chirping) Mm (exhales) Oh.
Hey, Josh.
Um hello, Miss.
No! Josh, Josh, it's-it's It's me, it's Becks! Oh Wow.
Rebecca? You look so So - Look at you! - I know, right? It's-it's great.
I'm doing this contest, and did you not see my Instagram pic of my makeover? Said, hashtag "alwayshydrate"? I mean, I haven't checked all the likes, there are so many likes.
So, I couldn't tell if if you were on there.
Oh.
I haven't been online for a while.
I'm on an internet cleanse.
I do it every once in a while.
Just Sometimes, there's crazy stuff online that you know, bums me out, you know what I mean? Josh, if you're talking about that 9-1-1 phone call, and the fire You know, I've been meaning to tell you, I wasn't screaming "Josh, Greg, Josh, Greg," that wasn't about you, that was about my good friend Josh Greg, with whom I went to both Harvard and Yale, and he's in a really bad place, 'cause his cousin just died.
What 9-1-1 call? I was talking about people who post pictures of polar bears on melting ice caps.
What fire? Oh, so you didn't hear about D-uh, uh, the it's-it's oh, my gosh.
It's a it was no, no, no.
It's noth Mm-mm.
Mm-mm.
And and you're in a contest? Is it a costume contest? Is that why you're wearing that funny costume? (chuckles softly) Uh, no.
It's not a it's not a costume.
This is um, this is how I dress now.
This is my new my look.
Oh, s uh.
Rebecca.
I'm sorry.
No Whatever you're going through right now, uh it'll get better.
I promise.
Okay, but it can't get better when it's already the best.
Take care, Rebecca.
Cool.
I don't need taking care of, though, so (sighs) (groans) Get up.
- Get up! - Mm! You've been sleeping for, like, - two days! - Aah! Your expensive bots pushed your likes over the edge.
Dude, you made it into the finals! So, like, get up and go to your dumb contest.
Try to be Miss Douche, you idiot.
Wait.
I made it? - Yeah.
- Oh Oh, yeah.
I was a pretty hot girl.
No, it doesn't matter 'cause I give up.
What You can't give up.
You put in all that stupid effort.
- Eh.
- MR.
DAVIS: Rebecca.
Here.
I made something for you with a special cookie cutter and lots of love.
Thank you, Mr.
Heather.
She's refusing to go to her dumb contest.
Tell her that she has to go.
I don't know, honey.
She really seems like she wants to quit.
MR.
DAVIS: Rebecca, sweetie, you don't have to do anything you started.
- What - Yay.
No What? She permanently damaged her appearance and she needs to see this thing through.
We never made you do that, honey.
Yes.
You tried a lot of different things and we supported you every time you wanted to quit something.
We still have all the musical instruments you only played for a week.
(moans) You guys are talking so loud! Okay, no.
No - Get up! - No! - You get up! - (whimpers) You wanted to show the world you were okay after that embarrassing 9-1-1 video, so come on! - Let's go! - (rips) That's disgusting.
Girl, get your hair glue and let's Vámonos, which is the only word I know in Spanish 'cause I only took it for a week.
ANNOUNCER: Our next contestant is Melanie Muñoz from Fort Lauderdale.
(applause) Miss Muños, do you yourself use the Miss Douche product? Absolutely.
Freshness is so important to me.
It gives me confidence to go about my day, knowing I don't have any unnecessary bacteria.
So, I feel free and relaxed.
And free.
(chuckles) (applause) ANNOUNCER: Okay.
Rebecca Bunch! (whooping, applause) (whoops) (sighs) Well, Miss Bunch.
We at Miss Douche were surprised to see you enter this competition, knowing you and and knowing your background.
(laughs) You are a most unusual candidate.
An Ivy League education, a full-time career, and yet, you still say you have time to be a, um "Mad chill SoCal sun soaker!" Yes.
Um.
Well I would say that I try to be everything a modern woman should aspire to be.
Um Sort of a a cross between Beyoncé - and Sheryl Sandberg.
- Well.
Well, we want to know more about the real you.
What what drives you? Well, I guess what I'm saying is Who are you, Rebecca Bunch? GREG: Yeah.
Who are you, Bunch? JOSH: Yeah.
Who are you, Becks? Uh - Good morning, Your Honor.
- You don't have to call me Your Honor.
I'm a planning manager, not a judge.
Yes, Your Honor, sorry.
I am Paula Proctor from Whitefeather & Associates, representing Miss Douche Incorporated, LLC.
I have submitted my client's plans for a facility in Pomona, which houses the lab and offices of 240 employees.
Miss Proctor, could you slow down? I understood every other word you just said.
So, the facility can be zoned for mixed use and, thereby, be covered under the light industrial zoning provisions.
And that is all, Your Honor.
Sorry.
Sorry.
That is all sir.
(exhales) Miss Proctor, just going through your paperwork here and I don't see an esquire behind your name.
Um Uh You're not an attorney, are you? Um Then who are you, Miss Proctor? Um REBECCA: Who am I? Yes, we've asked you three times now.
Right, right, um but it's hard because I've been trying to figure that out myself.
Um I think what you're asking is, uh, do I deserve to be Miss Douche? This morning, I didn't think so.
No, I, um I'm only here because because of my friend, Heather.
She's right there, yeah.
She reminded me of why I entered this contest in the first place, which was to show the world that I'm okay.
But I'm not okay.
No, um the truth is I'm heartbroken.
And if you'd like proof of this, you can see my, um as YouTube calls it, "Crazy Lady 911 Phone Call" all over the Internet.
Wow.
(sighs) I don't deserve to be Miss Douche.
I-I don't.
I-I'm not, like, chill and cool I'm just, I'm not.
You should find someone who's like that, like my friend, Heather.
She's like that, but I'm I'm not, so, um peace and love.
Ugh.
You can turn off the spotlight.
You don't need Really, please, don't.
Ple can you just put it ? Okay.
Wow.
So who-who are you? Um I'm a student.
Okay.
You caught me.
I am not a lawyer.
I wanted to be one.
I was even gonna go back to school.
Yeah.
Um, but that's, um that's not gonna work out for me.
But, um, listen, I I did work really hard on this case, sir.
I even let my husband serve raw poultry to me and my children, okay? I wrote a hundred page brief.
It is really good and it supports everything I just said, so if you could, if you could just read it please.
I already did.
And you're right, you did a great job.
Better than most lawyers that appear before this board.
Most of them just phone it in.
I'm going to grant your petition.
Well done.
Thank you.
If you ask me, you'd make a damn good attorney.
Paula Proctor, Esquire.
It's got a nice ring to it, doesn't it? (door opens and closes) (exhales) Oh.
I'm sorry.
I just I wanted you guys to be proud of me.
You participated.
You should get some sort of certificate for that.
At least a ribbon, if not a trophy.
That's a great idea, honey.
We'll stop and get you a ribbon on the way home.
Home, yes, okay, so, here's the thing, guys.
It's been so fun, but I think I need to move on.
But I-I'll still see you around, I promise.
You're just saying that.
That's just a thing people say.
No, no, I mean it.
Bring it in, Heathers.
Oh.
Come on.
At least we still have Heather.
She'll need us for the rest of her life.
Come on, honey.
Let's go home.
Um, no, sorry, I'm moving out, too.
What? Guys, I won.
Uh sorry, what did you win? I am Miss Douche.
It's so weird.
I won ten grand and a lifetime supply of walnut bark douches.
You won something?! Honey, she won something! How is that even possible?! And there's the problem right there.
Mom, Dad, I love you guys very much, but you reward failure and that's why I still live at home.
Also, I like the neighborhood.
So many trees.
Come on, Rebecca, let's go.
We have to start looking for a place to live.
Wait, you want to live with me? You've spent the last few days insulting every one of my decisions.
Yeah, exactly.
You need me really badly.
But I don't have any credit, so you're gonna have to cosign.
Hope you don't mind.
I have so many questions.
You feeling okay? Yeah.
Not too bad.
Doctor said you might need to rest up for a bit.
I was gonna make you dinner but, uh, I figured you've been through enough today, so I'm ordering pizza.
Oh you are the best.
(chuckles) Thank you.
- (doorbell rings) - BRENDAN: Mom, I'll get it since you just had an abortion! You're a good son, Brendan! I love you, Paula Proctor, Esquire.
I love you, too, honey.
BRENDAN: Mom! It's Rebecca! - Hi.
- Hi.
Oh, wow.
Oh, Go thank God, you're not blonde.
I thought you liked it.
Yeah, oh, no, I kind of did.
I did.
It's just oh, it just wasn't you.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
So, Darryl said you called in sick.
Are you okay? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm okay.
Look, I know something's been up with you lately and I want to know what it is.
Really, I mean it this time.
I just You know, I had a thing.
I figured it out.
It's I'm just so happy to see you.
Oh, God, you-you just, you seem so much better.
Yeah.
You know, I realized that I was trying to change my outside instead of my inside.
I mean, it's exactly what I did with Josh and Greg, you know, letting outside relationships define me.
And I'm I'm not gonna do that anymore.
Well, that is very wise, my dear.
I know Josh and I shouldn't be together.
And I know that Greg's in a better place.
Atlanta.
He didn't die.
Um I know that but I just wish I could stop thinking about him and I think I know how.
Hello? Anyone here? Greg? Ghost Greg? Am I just talking to myself? Great, I hate that.
(sighs) GREG: Hey.
Hey.
You're still here.
Because you're still thinking about me.
Right.
So, about that I need you to go.
Um, I did.
I got on a plane.
No, I mean imaginary you.
I need you to stop haunting me.
I need you to get out of my head.
I understand why you had to leave West Covina and someday I will be happy for you.
But just for now I need you to leave here and here.
But I can stay with you, so when you see tacos or you watch the dog show, you'll think of me.
No, I don't want that anymore.
I need to move on.
We have to say good-bye.
Are you sure? Good-bye, Greg.
Good-bye, house.
HEATHER: To letting go of the past.
To letting go of the past.
Good-bye to my parents and your terrible boyfriends.
Right.
Although, you did also date Greg.
Meh.
All right, what do you think of this house? It's 50 thousand a month and it's in Bel Air.
But it has a bowling alley.
Hmm no.
Okay, never mind, it doesn't matter what house we live in.
We're gonna have so much fun, roomie.
- (chuckles) - Oh, yeah.
Antics will be had.
Oh, no, I don't antic.
- Come on.
- No.
OMG, sorry, for a second, I thought that person housing that donut over there was Valencia.
What? No.
Valencia would never eat a Oh, my God, it's Valencia.
Run, run, run.
Uh, run.
Run.
Hi, Valencia.