Crossing Swords (2020) s02e04 Episode Script

1
‐ Make way for the bees!
‐ Hi. Are you the inventor?
‐ That'sa me! Fettuccine da Vinci!
‐ Wow! Like Leonardo da Vinci?
‐ No! Nothing like the portrait‐painting,
long‐haired fucking hacka.
‐ Alright then.
‐ Who sent you? My dad?
You tell him I'ma just as
successful as his brother's son!
And while we're at it,
it's not a competition.
‐ No! I'm on a very important
quest for Queen Tulip.
Looking for an inventor
who can build this.
‐ Did she have a budget in mind?
‐ The queen said money is no object.
‐ Then it shall costa
one trillion dollars!
‐ No more than 200.
‐ Wella, we can makea that work, too.
Give me a week, and I'll build
a ride your queen will never get off.
I mean, she'll get off,
but she won't want to get off
the thing that is getting her off!
Wait
‐ You're hired! Follow me.
I can take you to the castle to begin.
Uh, by the way,
your sign's spelled incorrectly.
Pull over and hide your hooch!
It'sa the grammar police!
‐ Uh, actually, grammar has
nothing to do with spelling.
Grammar is the act of
forming words, but spelling
Hm.
Patrick, who is this man,
and why is he in my room?
Fully‐clothed?
‐ This is Fettuccine da Vinci.
‐ Oh! Like Leonardo da Vinci!
‐ Nothing like that sculpture‐humping,
clay‐licking motherfucker!
I'm sorry. The paina runs deepa.
Anyway
It'sa finished!
‐ I'm underwhelmed. It's very, uh, busy
‐ Well, you should'vea seen
the trillion dollar version.
Now, I must warn you.
Never set the dial past thisa red line.
‐ Telling me not to do it only makes
me want to do it more. Leave me be.
‐ You should probably listen to him.
‐ I said leave me be!
What's a queen got to
do to jerk off in privacy?
Oh! Ooh!
‐ Oh Uh Oh
‐ That sounds likea 13!
‐ Oh my god! The queen is dead!
‐ Da Vinci out!
‐ Ah!
‐ Tulip
‐ She's in a coma, Your Majesty.
We don't know when or if she'll wake up.
Blinkerquartz!
How did this even happen?
‐ It might be best to read
about it in my written report,
which I might never write.
‐ You! Whoever you are
‐ I'm Henry, Your Majesty.
I've been your dedicated
servant for 10 years.
You got me this sweater
with this giant bear
and too many bells on it
for Christmas last year.
‐ Thoughtless gifts for people
we don't care about
has always been Tulip's job
Listen, ugly sweater guy,
send word to Blossom at school
and tell her to come home at once.
In times like these,
I know what always makes me feel better.
Tulip! Bring me my depression robe
and some hot chamomile tea!
‐ Tulip's in a coma, Your Majesty.
‐ Still? So, I have to get
my depression robe?
I have to do everything around here.
‐ Maybe not for long.
I know this might sound insensitive,
but it's a terrible time for the kingdom
to be without a queen.
Rami IV could invade us at any moment.
We can't afford to look weak right now.
‐ What are you getting at?
‐ I think we should find
a backup queen immediately.
‐ That's outrageous.
‐ Ah, you're right. It's outrageous.
It would be crazy to hold
"The Kingdom's Next Top Queen" pageant
that you yourself always ramble on about
whenever you're drunk.
‐ Hm.
Would there be musical numbers?
Sparkly dresses?
‐ Yes! And we'll make it a competition,
so it seems fun and not gross,
even though we both know it's gross.
‐ I suppose we could give it a go
while we wait for my beloved to wake up.
‐ "The Kingdom's Next Top Queen"?
What kind of sadistic madness is that?
She's been in a coma
for less than 30 minutes.
‐ We can't let him be without a queen!
Don't you remember what
he did last time she went away?
‐ What we need from you to
start things off is a location.
One location. Anything.
Pick a place. Any place. One place.
Pick a fucking place!
Fuck it! We're doing a purge.
‐ Ice cream shop?
‐ Too late! Purge!
‐ Purge, motherfucker!
‐ No
‐ We lost half the population.
‐ I still wake up in a sweat every night,
shouting locations.
But, I think we should give the queen
a little longer to wake up.
‐ No time, my boy!
You're on pageant duty now.
Yoink! There we are.
‐ Fuck pageant duty.
I got you into this, Your Majesty.
I'm gonna find a way to get you out.
‐ Huh? "Do you have what it takes to
be the kingdom's Next Top Queen?
"Weight must reflect wealth.
Hips of son‐bearing width only.
No fuggos."
Well, I'm not a fuggo! Finally,
a chance to show everyone
who mocked me at
Miss Havershim's School for Fuggos
that I was wrongfully admitted!
‐ Say no to the misogynistic
beauty pageant!
‐ Yeah! Whatever Anna said!
‐ Our bodies are not our worth!
‐ By the way,
Anna, you look great today.
‐ Thanks, Sean. I cut out carbs.
Boycott the pageant!
There's a pageant?
‐ New queen? Hear that, Larry?
I'm gonna be queen!
‐ You're already a queen, Bertha.
Queen of the shrews!
‐ Ugh! I knew that bastard
would try to replace Tulip one day.
On the other hand,
if I win one dumb archaic contest,
I get half his loot and the power
to overthrow the kingdom! I'm in.
‐ I can't believe they're actually
going through with this.
I have to try and get them to stop.
‐ They're gonna bleed me dry.
Oh. She's hot. Sparkly dress
‐ Their parents must be very proud!
Let's give them all a hand
for singing while walking!
‐ You have to stop this.
This is insane.
‐ Oh, you're right, Patrick.
Absolutely insane.
It's 74 degrees in here!
Those nipples are never gonna pop!
Ice, people! I need ice!
‐ Everyone here is fucking heartless.
‐ The only reason you
should be in this pageant
is for yourself.
You're all queens who don't need
to do any of this to impress a king!
Now, turn around and bend over
so I can bleach and wax your assholes!
‐ Ah!
‐ I'm super high and thought
this would be funny.
So far, 10 out of 10 hilarious.
Why are you here?
‐ I'm just really pretty, right?
‐ Ooh! Sorry I'm late.
‐ You're one of Blossom's
ladies‐in‐waiting.
Does she know you're here?
‐ Uh Sure!
‐ Ivy.
‐ Here!
‐ Human Shield.
‐ Fern.
IVY
Present!
‐ Fern, just say "here"
like a normal person,
you pretentious twat!
‐ Working for Blossom is like
getting ass‐fucked with a jalapeno!
But if I'm queen, it will be my
jalapeno doing the ass‐fucking!
‐ Ugh That's hard to respond to.
‐ Oh, sorry.
Mom?! What are you doing here?
‐ Your father wants to see me in
a swimsuit in front of a crowd.
It's his new thing.
Last year,
it was watching me do an erotic dance
while holding three bananas!
This position reminds me
of another thing your father's into!
‐ Ugh! Mom, stop being gross!
‐ Don't kink shame, honey!
‐ Oh, come on, sir, cheer up.
We all miss Queen What's‐Her‐Face‐‐
‐ Tulip!
‐ Right, Queen Dollop.
But, look around.
You're the envy of every man
and the desire of every woman.
‐ Nothing you say can cheer me up.
‐ And now, every man's fantasy.
Women slithering around in goo
made from melted‐down horse hooves!
Let the gelatin wrestling begin!
‐ Ooh! There's always room for gelatin.
‐ It's somehow more erotic
watching with a friend.
‐ I've gotta find a way
to help you out of this,
but how?
‐ How indeed!
‐ Ah! What the fuck! Who are you?
‐ Sir Blemish, at your service!
If you need a bedpan emptied
or a lesson learned, I'm your man.
‐ Wait, you're a knight?
‐ I sure am!
‐ But, you're
‐ Elbow‐deep in people juice?
I used to be a top‐ranking knight
until the year I drew the king
for Secret Santa.
I couldn't think of the right gift,
panicked,
and shoved a bunch of
yarn into a paper bag.
I was demoted on the spot.
‐ That's why the gift is
supposed to be secret.
‐ I know that now. Anyway,
one day, you're on top of the world,
and the next, you're a piss jockey.
But, that's the life of a knight!
‐ Well, I'm going to wake up Queen Tulip,
no matter how long it takes.
‐ Well, according to royal rule,
if a new queen is crowned,
Tulip will go back to being
Tulip Anderson,
and she'll do what most former queens do.
Sell makeup to her friends
in an escalating pyramid scheme
until she alienates everyone
who's ever cared about her.
‐ I won't let that happen. I promise.
‐ I'll help!
I just gotta empty this first.
‐ Oh, hell no!
‐ Excuse me?
We're looking for medical books
focused on women,
preferably with a lot of pictures.
‐ Why?
‐ Well, we're trying to wake
the queen up from her coma.
‐ Women In Comas.
Aisle 23.
‐ Why are so many fairy tales
about unconscious women?
‐ Wish fulfillment!
Ooh! This one looks interesting!
That's not what you think it is.
I think I know what to do!
‐ This is just about a legume!
How disgusting!
‐ Are‐are you sure you know what to do?
‐ I'm a dashing prince.
It's my job to wake up sleeping beauties.
I respect you. I would very much like it
if you woke up on your own time.
I honor your boundaries.
Now everyone, give her some space!
That's the final step.
‐ Aren't you supposed to kiss her?
‐ Kiss an unconscious woman?
I'm not falling for that one again.
Harrumph!
‐ We can't bring her out of her coma,
but we can offer an around‐the‐clock
seven‐pronged security system if you like.
‐ If you're here,
who's guarding Snow White?
‐ Oh, don't worry about it.
She's safe in her secure glass case.
I mean, she's probably fine, right?
‐ I'm here to put your queen
into a coma!
‐ Ugh! She's already in a coma!
‐ Damn, I'm good! Nice job, Ethel!
‐ Oh my god!
‐ Ah! That's just a bit I do.
‐ You're funny.
So, do you like piss?
‐ Wha
Ooh! She just went down unda!
‐ That was Fern with a very weird talent.
Our next contestant has
another weird talent called
Mongolian throat singing!
I don't know what that is,
but I like the word throat.
‐ I'm Trina, and if I win,
I'm gonna use the money to go to college!
‐ Brava!
‐ That was a disaster. Somehow,
she's even more comatose
than she was before,
and we're running out of time!
What do we do?
‐ There's only one thing we can do.
Forgive me, my queen.
It's the merciful thing to do!
‐ What are you doing?!
‐ That's it!
We need to find the inventor
of this machine to reverse it!
His name is Fettuccine da Vinci.
‐ Like Leonardo?
Nothing like that
bullshit‐hack‐architect‐wannabe‐asswad!
When I flew, I gota stucka.
Been herea the whole time.
Wasn't it weird when that guy drank pee?
‐ Oh, that was you?
I gotta be honest, that wasa disgusting.
I mean, Gesùs Cristos, dude.
‐ Next up, the oratory part
of the competition!
Woo!
‐ Oratory, not oral.
Boo!
‐ But they will be in bathing suits!
‐ I often reflect on the fact that
we're only a small part
of the big universe.
And if you stood far enough away
and looked back at us,
we'd be nothing more
than a tiny blue speck
in the midst of vastness,
completely insignificant.
‐ The question was,
have you ever kissed a girl, and if so,
how much?
‐ But‐‐
‐ Stacy, there's a lot of tension
between rulers right now.
As the Kingdom's Next Top Queen,
how would you keep us from going to war?
‐ Um, I think that we should
help other kingdoms and such,
and the kingdoms need kings and such.
And my dog is my best friend,
and my dog won't eat vegetables,
which is bad because vegetables
are good and such.
Also, in college,
I kissed a girl and such.
‐ Congratulations!
That's the correct answer!
‐ Just give her the crown!
Tulip would think she's super hot!
‐ Red to red, black to black.
‐ If this doesn't work,
the king will have you beheaded.
‐ Ha! You hear that, Leonardo?
I'm so dangerous, I might be beheaded!
Bet your little fucking paintings
never gota this much heat!
Quickly! A convenient storm is rolling in!
‐ It's working! She's alive!
‐ Did I do it? Did I fix it?
‐ Uh
‐ You really disappointed me, Fettuccine!
‐ Dad? Is thata you? No?
Then shuta the fuck up!
‐ We have to find the queen
before it's too late!
‐ If you see her, remind her to hydrate.
Things are looking a little brown
in pee‐pee town.
‐ Will you stop following me?
And put down that bedpan!
‐ And now, the moment
you've all been waiting for!
King Merriman will crown the kingdom's
Next Top Queen!
Making it as if Queen Tulip never existed.
‐ Ah!
No!
King Merriman,
stop!
‐ Patrick, if you want to compete,
you need to go back to the beginning.
Get this man a bikini!
‐ Sire, Queen Tulip is awake
and missing
and probably really mad.
‐ No! New Tulip!
‐ Hooray! Oh, Tulip
Sugar plum, you're awake‐‐
‐ Don't "sugar plum" me!
I was in a masturbation
coma for a few hours,
and you move to replace me
with some barely legal trollop?!
I should put everyone
in this room to death!
‐ Arriva‐da‐Vinci!
Ah!
I'm okay! Wow, it'sa dusty up here!
‐ This is a misunderstanding.
I didn't want to replace you,
but, politically, I had to.
Then, I wanted to
because there was musical numbers
and gelatin!
‐ Hyah!
This might be my fried brain
and bruised cervix talking,
but maybe we don't need a king.
Welcome to Queenstown, motherfuckers!
‐ Is she dead yet?
Make the inheritance check out to
Awesome Blossom. It's my LLC.
‐ Not now, petal.
Mommy and Daddy are having a disagreement.
Mommy thinks Daddy should die,
Daddy disagrees.
‐ She's not dead?
I'm missing Salisbury steak day at school.
One of you better fucking die!
‐ Oh, one of us is gonna die.
‐ Ah! Ow! Ah! Ah!
‐ Damn. I knew it was too good to last.
Hyah!
‐ But if she kills Merriman,
the whole kingdom will collapse.
I am really sorry, Blossom,
but this is for the greater good.
‐ You're a weird dude, Patrick.
‐ Oh no! Tulip!
Merriman!
I guess you better stop fighting
and help your daughter!
Blossom!
‐ Patrick, you fucking dick!
‐ Ah! Holy shit!
‐ Fern? But you were
in roll call this morning!
Oh my god,
were you trying to win sex with my dad?!
‐ Princess Blossom, behind you!
‐ Oh shit.
Oh!
‐ Tulip! Use your weird devil eyes!
‐ I'm out of juice, you idiot!
‐ I don't need to be rescued.
I'm a grown woman,
not some little bitch.
Ah!
‐ Who else has a violence boner?
Eh? Raise your dicks.
‐ Daddy! Get us outta here!
‐ Human centipede!
BLOSSOM/TULIP: What?
‐ I mean human ladder!
Ah, I got the fucking shaft.
And it was my idea.
‐ Hold on. We'll get a rope.
‐ No. I deserve this.
This bastard's having a heart attack!
I have to save him!
Or her. I‐I shouldn't assume.
My self‐sacrifice gets
really muddled if you die!
I couldn't save him. Or her.
It was a her.
Don't worry! I saved the kid!
That is a very unlucky gene pool.
‐ Everything worked out in the end.
‐ Well, the queen is alive
and back on the throne,
but it was my fault in the first place.
No matter what I do,
I always seem to screw things up.
Sometimes, I wonder if
I'm even meant to be a knight.
Did you ever wonder that?
Eh, know what? Never mind.
Shh!
This is a funeral. Christ!
Have some goddamn respect.
‐ So, we're all good, right?
‐ As far as the kingdom
and our reputation are concerned, yes.
As far as you and I are concerned,
absolutely fucking not.
‐ Because of the me‐replacing‐you thing?!
You're right. That was bad.
I'm sorry. And now, you forgive me.
‐ Oh, she forgives me.
‐ That kangaroo was a rental!
I lost my deposit!
That was amazing.