Dad's Army (1968) s02e04 Episode Script

Right, before we dismiss, Captain Mainwaring has asked me to bring your attention to an item in the paper which states that a member of the Home Guard in the Midlands was fined L5 for being drunk in charge of his rifle.
- Permission to speak, Mr Wilson.
- Yes, Jones.
I'm sure you do not believe that a member of this platoon would behave in a like manner.
- It's a slurge on our integrity.
- All right.
I'm sure no offence was intended.
He just wished me to draw it to your attention so we might all benefit from the lesson.
- What lesson? - Don't take your gun to a party! If Mr Mainwaring wants to insult us, he should insult us to our faces and not get somebody to do it behind his back.
All right.
Captain Mainwaring had no wish to offend any of you.
- Where is he, then? - Well, he's here.
- Doing what? Hiding? - Yes, he is, in a way.
- Not surprising.
He called us drunkards! - My mum won't allow me to drink.
- How could I be drunk in charge of me rifle? - Like Jonesy says, calling us a load of drunks.
Bit of a liberty, ain't it? Calm down.
Captain Mainwaring is going to give us a surprise lecture.
So when you fall out, I want you to gather round in a little sort of semi-circle.
Do you understand? In front of the platform.
Is that quite clear? Well, do that, then, will you? Fall out.
Captain Mainwaring? Captain Mainwaring, the men are ready, sir.
- All right, Wilson.
You can announce me now.
- Pay attention, please.
Captain Mainwaring is now going to show you something really, umrather unusual.
- What? Give us a comic turn? - What's unusual about that? Good evening, men.
- You're wondering why I'm dressed like this.
- Aye, we are.
No, sir.
No.
As you see me like this, can you guess what the object of my lecture will be? Pruning fruit trees, sir.
- No, Godfrey.
It's camouflage.
- Ah! - I shall want a volunteer to drop in the scenery.
- Permission to speak, sir.
- Yes, Corporal? - I should like to volunteer, sir.
- Some of it's a bit heavy, Corporal.
- I'm used to this type of work, sir.
I helped with the vicarage pantomime last year, sir.
- Once you've done the beanstalk - Yes, all right.
Stand on the side, would you? We don't call it the side, sir.
We call it the wings.
- All right.
Stand in the wings.
- Yes, sir.
- Sergeant, would you stand by the curtain? - Yes.
Now, the object of camouflage is to merge into one's background.
- Draw the curtain, Sergeant.
- All right.
You'll observe how I stand out clearly against a plain background.
Corporal, drop in the scene with the woodland on.
Woodland scene coming down.
Right, sir.
Woodland scene, sir.
Now you'll observe how well I merge with my background.
How can I improve this camouflage? - Disguising yourself as a coal scuttle.
- Coal scuttle? You won't 'alf burn your bum if you stand there.
- Corporal! You put the wrong scene in! - Sorry, sir.
- It's the woodland scene I want.
- Oh, sorry, sir.
- That's the baron's kitchen.
- Yes.
Put in the woodland.
We had a lot of fun, didn't we, Joe? When the horse brought the pumpkin off - All right! Put the woodland scene in.
- Yes, right, sir.
- Now, as I was saying, it's always the mo - Sir.
We had a lot of trouble with the Shetland pony last year, just about where you're standing.
- Corporal, will you get the woodland scene? - Yes, sir.
Woodland scene coming in now.
Right.
Argh! My foot! Sorry, sir.
Sorry, sir.
Jones, where are you? Corporal? Jones? Mr Mainwaring.
- Where's Mr Mainwaring? - He went round the back, I think.
- Are you there, sir? - Open this door at once! It seems to have stuck.
Would you mind going round the back and help Mr Mainwaring? - There you are.
- Get the woodland scene.
Woodland scene.
Right.
Help! I can't get through, sir.
I can't get through.
- Hang on where you are.
- Right-o, sir.
Where are you, Jones? Lord! Get him down, Sergeant! You're no better than he is.
Sorry, sir.
I've never done a beanstalk.
Take it up again, Sergeant.
- Are you all right, Corporal? - Fit as a flea, sir.
- It's a bit of fun, that going up and down.
- You'd better sit down.
- Yes, right.
Can you manage all right, sir? - Just about, I think, Corporal.
- Now, then.
What do you think of that? - The best turn I've seen in years.
All right, everybody.
The points I want you to notice particularly are as follows.
First, the face.
For this we need some corks.
Champagne corks are the best.
Cook them till they're burned through, and then Serve 'em on toast.
Very tasty.
Walker, your very life may depend upon this one day.
Grind them to a fine powder, mix them with grease and apply to the face.
Any questions? Yes.
How you gonna get hold of champagne corks? - Remember, there's a war on.
- I'm aware of that, Frazer.
We shall improvise.
- Permission to speak, sir.
- Yes.
- Get a cork bath mat and chop it up into lumps.
- Good idea.
Make a note of that, Sergeant.
- You'll have a job.
Very scarce, they are.
- Why? There's a war on.
I do happen to have one in the store.
- As it's for the platoon, 30 bob, all right? - I think we'll find another source.
Would medicine bottle corks do? I can ask at the clinic.
Yes, good idea.
Do that, will you, Godfrey? Blackleg! You'll notice that I'm covered from head to foot in foliage.
- Good job there's no squirrels about! - Who said that? - Any further questions? - Yes.
What do you do in the winter when you cannae get foliage? Good question.
Anybody got any thoughts on that? Permission to speak, sir.
There's an abundance of holly in the winter, sir.
- Cover oneself with holly instead of foliage? - Yes.
Or mistletoe.
Well, now, our main task is to blur the outline, break up the outline.
I'm going to dismiss you and, bearing in mind what I told you, parade back here in one hour's time, fully camouflaged.
Right.
Off you go.
Left, left, left, right, left.
Platoon, halt! Platoon left turn! - Excellent, men! Don't you think, Wilson? - Absolutely first class, sir.
Who's this? - I've no idea, sir.
- It's me, sir, disguised as a small haystack.
Ah, Walker! Very good indeed.
What's the matter with you, Pike? - I'm sorry.
It's my hay fever, sir.
- Don't stand next to him.
- Get to the end of the line.
- Thank you, sir.
- What's this, Godfrey? - I tried several things on, sir.
Nothing seemed to suit me.
You're supposed to break up the outline.
- I thought I was sufficiently broken up as it is.
- What's this on your face? - My apiarist mask, sir.
- Your what? - Bee-keeping, sir.
- It's full of holes.
Yes, I know.
I should mend them, but my bees are quite friendly.
Why this? Looks as if you're on a cruise to the South Seas.
I had the idea from a picture I saw with my sisters, called ''South Of Pago Pago''.
- Dorothy Lamour and Victor Mature were in it.
- Was it good? I liked it, but my sisters thought that Miss Lamour was rather fast.
- What's this got to do with camouflage? - I don't know, really, sir.
I thought it looked sort ofopen air.
- I see.
- I agree, sir.
It does look rather open air.
What have you been to see? ''Phantom Of The Opera''? No.
This is winter camouflage.
You wear it in the snow.
Well done, Frazer.
- Why aren't you in camouflage, Corporal? - I'm camouflaged as a butcher.
- You ARE a butcher.
- I know I am, sir, and you know I am.
That don't mean the Germans know I am, sir.
- I don't quite follow this argument.
- I'll be standing outside my shop.
A bit nonchalant.
Along comes this German soldier.
He'll see me dressed in this apparel.
Just as he's beginning to treat me with ignore, I go, ''Wap!'' with the old cold steel, right up him! - They cannot brook that sort of thing.
- No.
I'm aware of that, Corporal.
- What's the meaning of this, Pike? - It's not my fault.
I've got a note from me mum.
''I'm not having our Frank covered in a lot of damp leaves.
'' ''It will only set off his chest again.
'' - I'd like a word after the parade, Sergeant.
- All right, sir.
I've never heard anything like this.
The way Mrs Pike mollycoddles her son is absurd.
- Yes, sir.
- She's always coming down here interfering.
It's got to stop.
If all our men came with notes from their mothers, it would look a bit odd.
Certainly would, sir.
At their ages! Somebody's got to talk to her, and you ought to do it.
You are friendly with her? Yes, sir.
We go to the cinema together every now and then.
Sometimes she asks me back for a meal, that sort of thing.
What sort of thing? - Whatever she's cooking at the time.
- Oh, I see.
She's got my ration book.
It makes it easier.
You've got to talk to her.
I wouldn't allow my own wife to tell me how to run this platoon.
- She knows a woman's place is in the home.
- Quite.
I wouldn't tolerate her telling me what to do.
Hello.
Ah, Mrs Mainwaring.
Of course.
Just a moment.
It's your wife, sir, on the phone.
- Really? - Yes.
Hello? Elizabeth? I'm very busy.
I can't get home for half an hour.
I see.
I'll leave you to lock up.
Don't forget to have a word with Mrs Pike.
- There's one way to deal with women.
- How's that? - You must be very firm.
- I'll be very firm.
Frank! That's your butter ration for the week! - Ooh, dear.
- What's the matter, Mum? It's from the WVS.
They want us to take in an evacuee.
I suppose we ought to do all we can to help.
I think we could manage one all right.
He can have that little room at the back.
I'll write and let them know tonight.
- Wasn't Uncle Arthur coming for tea? - Yes.
You don't mind, do you? - No.
No, I quite like Uncle Arthur, really.
- No, dear.
- You don't mind us having a little evacuee? - Oh, no.
No.
Trouble is, children grow up so quickly these days.
- It'd be nice to have a child about the house.
- I wonder what it'll be, a boy or a girl? Well, we shall just have to wait and see, won't we? You know, Frank, it'll be funny being a mother again, after all these years.
Don't say anything to Uncle Arthur about this just at the moment.
- Let me tell him in me own time.
- OK.
- There you are, Arthur.
You're late.
- Yes! L-late.
- Sit down or your tea'll get cold.
- Right-o.
Thank you, Mavis.
- Frank.
- Uncle Arthur.
- You look pale, Arthur.
Are you all right? - What? No.
Yes, I'm quite all right.
- He does look pale, doesn't he? - You know what they say, Mum.
- Pale and passionate! - Oh, Frank.
Stop it.
Frank! That's enough of that.
Hurry up and finish your tea.
- Don't you want anything to eat, Arthur? - No.
I'm all right.
I'm just not very hungry.
You must eat something.
I got some nursery biscuits.
I'll fetch them.
No, Mavis.
Please don't bother.
It's very kind of you.
I-I just I'm just not hungry.
But nursery biscuits are your favourite.
They've got icing with little children on them.
I do know exactly what they look like.
I don't happen to want one at the moment.
- No need to snap my head off.
- I'm not snapping.
- After me using all me points to get them.
- I am awfully sorry.
It just seems, I don't know, I've somehow lost my appetite.
I wouldn't have wasted me points.
I have to be careful with everything on points.
The only thing you can have that isn't on points is a baby.
Don't be so coarse! I don't know where you get it from.
Unless it's those rough men in the Home Guard.
I'll speak to Mr Mainwaring No, no.
Please, Mavis, don't do that.
I'll go and put me uniform on, otherwise I'll be late.
All right, Frank.
I don't know what's the matter with you.
It's not like you to look so miserable.
I couldn't help overhearing what you were saying to Frank just now.
- Oh, about the addition to the family? - That's right.
Yes.
- I don't see why you should worry about it.
- I do worry, Mavis.
I do.
- I can't understand how you take it so calmly.
- What do you expect me to do? It isn't as though I'm the only woman in this situation.
All the same, though, I Couldn't you keep still just for a moment? - I feel a bit responsible.
- I don't see why you should.
- I'm the one who decided to have the child.
- Why? Why? Because there's a war on.
We must all do our bit.
- What's the war got to do with it? - I wouldn't have the child if there wasn't a war.
Well, no.
I don't know.
Oh, stop trailing after me like a lost sheep.
I'm trying to get on.
- Sorry.
- Hurry up or you'll be late for your parade.
Could I have a word with you? It's that boy again! - Ready, Uncle Arthur.
- I'll join you in a little while.
Tell them I'm coming.
All right, er Now, Mavis, it is a little bit worrying, don't you think? Now, as you will all have read on the notice board, we're holding a monthly competition for the best improvised weapon or method of defence.
A prize will be awarded, paid for out of platoon funds and provided by Jones.
- What have you got for us, Corporal? - Two chops and a quarter pound of chitterlings.
Two chops and a quarter pound of chitterlings.
What are chitterlings? - It's the secret part of a pig, sir.
- Really? A worthy prize, indeed.
We have three entrants - Sergeant Wilson, Private Frazer and Private Walker.
Jonesy, give us an 'and.
We'll ask Sergeant Wilson to give his demonstration first.
Carry on, Sergeant.
- Sergeant! - Sorry.
Y-yes.
We're waiting for your grenade-firing crossbow.
My what? - Grenade-firing crossbow.
- I'm terribly sorry, sir.
- But I'm afraid I-I left it at home.
- You've left it? What on earth's the matter with you? You're in a dream.
Are you ill? - I'm quite all right, sir.
- Pull yourself together.
- I'll have a word with you after the parade.
- Yes, right.
Right, well, we'll call on Private Frazer to demonstrate his anti-tank device.
Aye.
Well, sir, this is the road.
Now, I place a row of plates upside-down in a line right along it, so.
- An anti-tank device? - Aye, sir.
- Dinner plates? - Aye, sir.
Dinner plates.
- Please continue.
- Now The enemy tank comes along the road.
He sees the plates in his path.
He doesn't know what they are.
He stops, opens his turret and gets out to have a look.
Meantime, we are hiding behind cover.
As soon as he gets out of his tank, we let him have it! Bang! - What do you think, sir? - Not bad at all, Frazer.
Right, we'd better call on Private Oh.
- Walker, sir.
- Private Walker? Sir.
Right, folks, here we have the greatest invention since the Spitfire.
- The most remarkable piece of personal - Walker, you're not in the marketplace.
Get on with the demonstration.
Oh, well, yeah.
It's a sort of shoulder protector, ain't it, like? Erfrom ack-ack, you know, flak, andshrapnel.
It's made out of half a tyre, and it will protect you from any blow from a weapon.
All right, son? - How's that? - I never felt a thing.
It's a very good idea.
Very good device indeed, Walker.
Well, we've had two excellent ideas from Frazer and Walker.
We'll decide the winner by the usual democratic show of hands.
Now, who liked Frazer's device? One, two, three, four Now, Walker's.
One, two - That makes Walker a clear winner.
- Ah! Don't take it to heart, Taffy.
I'll give you some of me chitterlings.
That's a first-class idea, Walker.
I think we'll equip the entire platoon.
That means we shall need nine old tyres.
There's a slight snag, sir.
You can't get no tyres.
They're like gold dust.
Why suggest it? The prize had better go to Frazer.
'Ang on! I know they're difficult, but it ain't impossible.
I do 'appen to have a few tyres.
As it's for the platoon, ten bob apiece, how's that? - Outrageous.
- My friend has got some old tyres.
He bleedin' would have, wouldn't he? - We could have them for nothing.
- That's better.
- I'll cut 'em up for you.
Half a crown - Be quiet.
Sit down.
Sergeant, dismiss the parade.
Sergeant! - I'll see you in my office now.
- All right, sir.
- Dismiss the parade, Corporal.
- Squad, attention! Dismissed! Come in, Wilson.
- Shut the door.
- Oh, sorry.
- Now, what's the matter? - The matter, sir? You've been in a daydream all evening.
You haven't been listening, and you leave your grenade-firing crossbow at home.
Well, you see, sir, it's all rather difficult.
- You'd better sit down.
- Right.
Thank you.
- You in some sort of trouble? - It's not me, sir.
It's, er - Mrs Pike.
- How do you mean? Well, she's um - Er, she - Now, look, Wilson.
I'm not only your commanding officer.
I'm also your friend.
Thank you.
I don't want you to feel any hesitation in confiding in me.
- No.
- What's this about Mrs Pike? Well Well, you see, sir.
She's, um - .
.
going to have a baby.
- Really? Oh, that is good news.
Her husband will be delighted.
- Wait a minute! She's a widow, isn't she? - That's right.
- How can she be having a baby? - Er I thought you said you only went round there for meals.
I did tell you, sir, that she's got my ration book.
Yes.
She's got something else now, hasn't she? I can hardly believe my ears.
I've come to the conclusion I don't know you, Wilson.
You're a cad, that's what you are.
- How long have you known her? - Quite a few years, sir.
- Why haven't you asked her to marry you? - I just haven't got around to it.
You'd better get around to it, hadn't you? You can't go about behaving like Errol Flynn.
- What would the bank directors say? - I've no idea, sir.
Well, I have.
You must do the only honourable thing.
- Ask the woman to marry you.
- You're quite right, yes.
- I'll have a word with her in the next few days.
- You'll have a word with her tonight.
- There's no time to lose.
- Today's Tuesday.
She goes to bed early.
- Why? - She gets terribly tired on a Monday.
- You'll have to wake her up.
- Yes.
I expect by the morning, the whole thing will be settled.
That's all.
- Can I leave the room now? - Please go.
- Who's that? - It's me, Mavis.
I I want to talk to you.
- What do you want at this time of night? - It's only ten o'clock.
I must talk to you.
- What will the neighbours think? - I can't help what the neighbours think.
- All right.
I'll come down.
- Do hurry up, will you? Hello, what's going on here? Oh, sorry, sir.
I saw a shadowy figure in the doorway.
- I thought something fishy was going on.
- Everything's quite all right.
- She locked you out? - No.
- It's quite all right.
- Lost your key? - I don't have a key.
- I got a bunch.
Three bob each.
Walker, I came here to remind young master Pike the about the parade tomorrow night.
- You'll see him in the bank in the morning.
- I'll remind him about that as well.
- Arthur, you still there? - Of course I'm still here.
Good job you arrived when you did.
I'd only just got undressed.
- I should be in bed and asleep.
- Mavis, please.
Sergeant, I'm a man of discretion.
We all have our private lives to lead.
- Mum's the word! - All right.
Go and do it somewhere else.
- Would you please open the door? - I can't.
I've locked up.
Besides, I've got my mother staying.
What would she think? - I can't help that.
I must talk to you.
- Talk through the letterbox.
- This is acutely embarrassing.
- What is it you want to say? Well, look, Mav Look Will you marry me? - Arthur, darling! - Oi! Put that light out! I'm going to dismiss you a little earlier this evening.
On Saturday, Sergeant Wilson and Mrs Pike are getting married.
We're going to provide the guard of honour.
I want to have a little rehearsal.
I want us to assume that the door to the hall represents the entrance to the church.
On the command ''fall out'', I want you to form two ranks on either side of the church porch.
- Understand? - Yeah.
Attention! Platoon, fall out.
Quickly as you can.
Two short ranks down the side of the church.
There we are.
Now, on the appearance of the happy pair .
.
I want you to draw bayonets and form an arch over them.
You've seen it in the newspapers.
Now, Sergeant, take your place.
- Is it absolutely necessary? - We want to do it properly.
- It's a bit embarrassing, though.
- Oh, come on.
- We want someone to take Mrs Pike's place.
- Permission to speak, sir.
- Yes, Corporal.
- I'd like to take Mrs Pike's place.
- I thought you might.
Right, go on.
- Thank you, sir.
Right.
Guard of honour, present bayonets.
Not you, Corporal! Corporal! Not you.
- Hurry up.
- I just sheathed it.
Put your arm through Sergeant Wilson's.
Down you come.
Smile, for heaven's sake! It's your wedding day.
- Don't be nervous, Sergeant Wilson.
- All right.
Sorry to interrupt, Mr Mainwaring.
Arthur, our newcomer's arrived.
- Good heavens! - It's a dear little boy.
Little boy? Oh, G When? - About half an hour ago.
- Half an hour? You'll never guess, Arthur.
His name's Arthur, too.
Come on, dear.
This is the addition to the family, our little evacuee.
- 'Ello.
Are you my Uncle Arthur? - No.
This is your Uncle Arthur.
- He'll be very pleased to see you.
- Delighted! And somewhat relieved as well, curiously enough.