Dan for Mayor (2010) s02e04 Episode Script

Oh, hey.
About this thing tonight.
Don't tell me you're bailing on the spelling bee.
You said you'd judge it.
Oh, no, I'm doing it.
I just have to know what time to show up.
Okay, good, because the school's counting on me.
If you don't come through, I have to do pizza day.
Pizza day doesn't sound so bad.
Ha! Pizza day is for loser parents.
Their kids get no respect and you stink like pepperoni for days.
Wait, shouldn't teachers be doing this stuff? Budget cuts.
Oh, I hear you.
That's why I'm raising property taxes.
Why are you raising taxes? Funny you should say that.
That's the thing about-- Why are you raising taxes? No matter what you say, people get all-- Why are you raising taxes? --fixated.
I mean, seriously.
Taxes? Yeah.
Like that.
Raising them? Yeah, okay.
Taxes? I got to go.
Not lowering them.
Bye.
Why are you raising property taxes? Claire, I have a message for you.
Hey, Claire, are we still on for Fern's later? Yeah, sure.
An after-work drink, right? Yeah, that's all it is.
An after-work drink.
So you'll be there? Yeah.
Got it.
Right.
Sorry.
Just, I want to make sure that you'll be there.
For a drink.
After work.
I hope you don't have unrealistic expectations.
I am having a drink with you as a friend.
I know.
I'm sorry, you're right.
It's just important that you have a drink with me tonight.
Okay, but don't ask me again.
I won't.
So you said I had a message.
Yeah, it's from Mike, actually, reminding you about that drink after work.
Okay, we're all set for tonight.
I booked extra security.
You're going to be well back from the crowd.
But make sure you're near the fire exit in case things get hairy.
Wow, I didn't know spelling bees could get so nasty.
No, the town hall meeting.
About the property taxes? People get mad, throw things, fight.
Sometimes there's sandwiches.
Sandwiches? What kind of sandwiches? Point is, you got to be there.
Oh, I have to judge a spelling bee at 7:00.
Well, good luck.
This thing's going to go on forever.
I mean, the projectiles alone take 20 minutes.
I'll be all right.
I'll just listen to them rant and then I'll charm them.
Yeah.
I should book more security.
Then I spin.
Hey, hey, hey.
Fancy seeing you here, Claire.
Yeah, I said I'd be here, like, 3 or 4 times.
Still l fancy, Claire.
Still fancy.
Hi, Claire.
I'm Melanie.
She's my new girlfriend.
Oh, that's why you wanted me to come.
Oh, you didn't think that I wanted to go on a date with you, did you? Mike's told me a lot about you.
All good things, I hope.
Can I get you a drink? Sure.
I'll have a vodka cooler.
Funny, I like those too.
Hm, dark hair, vodka coolers.
Got to say, you two are a lot alike.
Mike's being an idiot.
You're not that much alike.
Are you kidding? You two could be sisters.
Really? I hadn't even noticed, but, yeah, you do look a lot alike.
I guess.
And you talk alike.
I don't think so.
Also, they smell a lot alike.
Okay, Dan, come on.
This is the strategy.
And just make it sound like the tax hike wasn't your idea.
But it was my idea.
I know.
But we don't want to read about the "mayor's" new tax initiative.
We want to read "City council raises property taxes.
" Oh, so how do I do that? Just say "we," not "I.
" "We".
Not "I".
Okay, I got it.
"We" got it.
Oh, we can't believe you're not getting this.
Nobody wants to see an increase in their property taxes, and I understand your frustration.
.
But in conclusion, good night.
Why would you increase our taxes now? Oh, it's not me increasing it.
It's council.
Nice.
So you're passing the buck to council.
Yes.
No.
I mean, no, I'm not passing the buck.
We're not passing the buck.
You're doing great.
There's only one more to go.
And you didn't think I'd get to the spelling bee on time.
Yeah.
Okay, last question.
In my hand are 17 letters from people who couldn't get here tonight.
And they all want to know one thing: who's going to take responsibility for this tax hike? If I may.
"Mr.
Mayor, I am writing to express my deep concern.
" Where is your friend? I'm sorry.
He said he'd be here.
We're going to have to start without him.
I know.
I'm sorry.
I hear there's a shortage on the pizza committee.
He'll be here.
So, what do you think of Melanie? She's nice.
You guys have a lot in common.
Though I guess, in fairness, she has a little more work experience than you.
She makes more.
Titch more fit, maybe.
Is that what this is about? Is that what what is about? You asking me out to bump into Melanie to make me feel bad? No, I just thought that you should meet 2.
0.
As in Claire 2.
0.
But it's not about comparing you to her and having you come up shorter.
Sorry.
I had to take that call.
No problem, Mel.
Oh, hey, here's something else that's the same about you.
You both went to Western.
Neat.
You know, you don't have to keep pointing out how we're similar.
Well, here's something that's different about you.
Claire, you graduated cum laude.
And Mel, you graduated summa cum laude, which is better.
And better is not the same.
"And for these reasons, I believe this tax hike should be struck down.
" I got to get to that spelling bee.
Sorry, Al.
If you go now, you will definitely wear it.
The guy who's not there always gets blamed.
Letter number 2.
"Dear Mayor Phillips--" Ladies and gentlemen, sorry, I have to go.
But it was great listening to one of your letters.
And thanks for supporting council's proposed tax hike.
Alan Duffy.
Who wants a sandwich? They're all gone! That's Dan's fault.
It's really important that the students who order cheese don't get pepperoni.
And vice versa.
Oh, look who's here.
I'm sorry.
There was an emergency at town hall about the property tax increases.
You're raising property taxes? Um, this is Miss Johnson, English teacher.
And this is Tanner from the school paper.
He hopes to have his own column one day.
So any comment on the spelling bee, Mr.
Mayor? Uh, well, I don't want to lie to you, Tanner.
I was late and missed it.
But I'm sure it was extraordinary.
Yeah.
E-X-T-R-O-R-D-I-N-A-R-Y.
You spelled "extraordinary" wrong.
I don't think so.
You did.
You missed the A.
E-X-T-R-A.
Uh, it doesn't have an A.
It does.
Extra-ordinary.
Oh, you don't have to write that down.
My dad says I should report things accurately.
Exactly as they were said.
Well, we don't have to do everything our parents tell us.
That was off the record.
That only works if you say "off the record" before you start talking.
His dad's a reporter with the Wessex Herald.
Oh.
Oh, let me guess.
The papers are all over this.
"He's raising taxes.
Why is he raising taxes?" "The mayor who raised taxes.
" Nope.
You ever outstrategized me on this one.
Listen to this: "Stoopid mayor kant spell.
" What? Front-page news.
This is great.
Well, that's just a school paper.
No, this is the Wessex Herald.
School paper's worse.
They ran a special on the tax hike.
So how is this great news? Well, thanks to your stupidity, the tax hike's buried on page 12.
So now instead of the jerk who raises taxes, now I'm the idiot who can't spell.
I know.
Isn't it great? Or should I say, extraordinary.
No.
Hey, Karen, I was right.
Mike wanted me to meet his new girlfriend to try and make me feel bad.
Oh, I thought you thought he wanted to go on a date with you.
I just said that so he wouldn't know I was onto him.
Uh-huh.
Fooled me too.
Not that hard, Karen.
So, what was she like? Because Mike says that she's beautiful and successful and smart.
Don't believe everything you hear.
It takes a little more than beauty and a PhD to impress me.
Any messages? Actually, Melanie called for you.
She did? When? What did she say? There's her number.
That's so cool.
I wonder if that's her cell or home.
Why didn't you tell me before? I am never going to question your tactical abilities again.
I mean, cut off the press conference and then distract the media by misspelling a word.
Brilliant, Dan.
Brilliant.
I didn't mess up the spelling bee on purpose.
Sure thing, Dan.
I like the fake indignation.
Don't let anyone know you purposely messed up.
I didn't.
Very convincing performance.
I need to do another spelling bee.
Fantastic idea.
Although, you know what? We should wait till we have some bad news we want to cover up like water price hikes or a community centre closure.
No.
Look, I want to show the people of Wessex I'm not the idiot they think I am.
And the Oscar for Best Performance goes to Oh! Mayor Dan Phillips.
I'm glad you came.
I almost get the sense that Mike doesn't want us to get along.
Yup, that might be true.
I don't see why we can't be friendly.
I think we have a lot in common.
Exactly.
You're pretty successful, smart and beautiful.
Oh, thanks.
And so are you.
Thank you.
So how did you and Mike meet? Uh, it's a little embarrassing.
We met online.
Oh, don't be embarrassed.
Lots of lonely people do that.
Yeah, well, I'm just so busy.
I don't have the time to meet people.
You know what it's like.
Not really.
It's a little slow now.
Maybe I should get out of Wessex.
I hear the mayor is an idiot.
I'm living with him.
Dan.
Oops.
It's okay.
Hey, I've got 2 tickets to the Dance Yourself to Death concert on Friday.
You want to go? I would love that.
Dan's not into them at all.
Neither is Mike.
Oh.
Speak of the moustac.
.
Hey, Mike.
Just having some coffee.
With someone.
Claire.
Yes, Claire-Claire.
No, I'm not calling her "Cum Laude Claire.
" Jeff, I'm really sorry about missing the spelling bee.
You know what would be better than your apology? Helping me distribute 225 mini pizzas next Thursday.
Let me make it up to you.
Let me judge another spelling bee.
Ha! So I can end up one of the parents who "volunteers" to check students for lice? I don't think so.
Come on, Jeff.
It's really important to me.
Oh, I get it.
You just want another smokescreen for this tax thing.
No, I want to prove to people that I can spell.
You think spelling bees happen every day of the week? Like I can just snap my fingers and you're a spelling bee judge? So there's not another one for a while, then? Wait a second.
My daughter's class is having a spelling bee today.
I could probably get you in on that.
Perfect! That's great! Thanks.
It's kind of important for her.
She's in reading recovery.
She had a program at the library, but it looks like it lost its funding.
What? Sorry, I wasn't listening.
I'm trying to get some press there.
But thanks again.
I love the way you eat your sandwich.
It's kind of like the same way Claire eats hers.
Only better.
So, what was she like when you guys went for coffee? Nice.
Oh, I wish I could've seen that.
I bet she felt really weird and awkward and insecure.
No, she seemed fine.
Oh, I meant to tell you, I offered her my other concert ticket Friday.
Uh, I thought we had plans Friday night.
We did? Yeah.
Yeah, I was going to take you to virtual paintball.
I-- I don't remember making those plans at all.
Well, I had planned on telling you today.
Okay, well, I can just call Claire and cancel.
No, no, it's cool.
I mean, you can go to the concert.
I can reschedule.
Really? Really.
I can kill you virtually anytime.
Oh, no, no, not virtually anytime but, like, "virtually," anytime.
Can you stop eating your sandwich like that? It's kind of annoying.
Uh, Claire, what the hell? What? It's a pencil teepee.
No, Claire.
Melanie.
Since when are you two brothers from forever? Brothers from forever? BFFs? You two weren't supposed to get along.
You know, contrary to popular belief, women are capable of getting along.
Even when there's a hunk like you involved.
I can't believe I was actually intimidated by her.
"Was" intimidated? Don't you mean "are" intimidated? She's a keeper, Mike.
I'm happy for you.
So you're happy? Yeah, she's great.
Aren't you happy? Of course I'm happy.
Well, if you're happy, I'm happy.
Well, great.
Then we're all happy.
"Kabob.
" K-A-B-O-B.
"Kabob.
" Correct.
Yup.
And, uh, just so you know, I'm not even looking at the card with the correct spelling on it, because I just know how to spell it correctly.
Next, please.
Your word is "bugle.
" Can you use that in a sentence? Well, that depends on whether we're talking about a regular bugle or a baritone bugle.
Was that the sentence? Some people think the bugle is very simple when, in fact, it's one of the most difficult instruments to play.
So it's an instrument.
Or a salty snack.
"Bugle.
" B-U-G-L- E? I kind of gave that one to you, Kaylee, but you're right.
You're right.
Good.
Let's take a 5-minute break.
I'm coming across pretty smart, huh? Oh, yeah.
You're great at spelling 5-letter words.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Hey, is the, uh, reporter guy here yet? Dan, this is not about you.
This is about my daughter.
And the other kids.
Oh, no, no.
Right, right, right.
The kids, the kids.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do these pants make me look smart? Hey, Mike.
I got your message.
What's so urgent? Melanie, first, I want you to know it's not me, it's you.
What? Oh, I got some bad news for you, Claire.
Yeah, I pulled the plug on the Melanie thing.
So I guess there's no reason for you two to see each other anymore.
Sorry.
I hope that doesn't make you unhappy.
Oh, I feel bad for her.
I'll call her late and see how she's doing.
Right.
Right.
Well, I guess I'd better go bury myself in work.
I'm going through a pretty tough break-up.
Yeah, so's Melanie.
I'm just happy I can be there for her.
Damn it.
Karen, how would you feel about taking on more responsibility? Oh, I would love that.
I don't actually want to do reception forever, so that would be-- Great, so here is my Lavalife account.
I want you to go on and find every woman that looks like Claire, but better.
What? I am so proud of you.
Thanks, Daddy.
Thanks, Jeff.
I'm talking to Kaylee.
Oh, right, right, right.
Although I did do a pretty good job as moderator.
It's really kind of a nice father/daughter moment here, Dan, if you don't mind.
Oh, no, no.
Sorry.
I didn't mean to intrude.
I'll just step outside.
Thank you.
You see? This is what happens when you work really hard-- Hey, the reporter's here.
Do you think Kaylee could tell them how smart I was? She's really shy, Dan.
I don't think it's such a good idea.
Oh.
Okay.
Hey, you should meet Kaylee.
She, uh, won the spelling bee tonight.
Oh, congratulations, Kaylee.
But I wouldn't mind talking about that property tax hike.
I thought we were going to talk about my spelling.
I-- I mean, her spelling.
No, that wouldn't be much of a story.
"Girl wins spelling bee"? No offence.
Well, we're really proud of the progress Kaylee made.
Yes, a lot of progress has been made by Kaylee and by me.
Oh, hey, Kaylee, why don't you spell "progress," and I will tell him that you spelled it correctly, without even looking at a card.
It's okay.
You don't have to if you don't want to.
P-R-O- G-E-S-S.
Oh, you missed an R.
I guess you didn't make as much "progess" as you thought, hm? Still, great job.
She's in reading recovery because she has slight dyslexia.
Let's go, honey.
Oh, no, you don't have to write that down.
I think I have my hook.
Thank you.
Great tactic, Dan.
Turning the tables and roasting a "tusdent.
" I didn't know Jeff's daughter was a remedial speller.
That was Jeff's daughter? You take no prisoners.
No, it wasn't a tactic.
Whatever you say, Machiavelli.
People still aren't talking about the tax hike.
Yeah, because they think I'm a jerk.
And stupid.
This is fantastic.
I got to make this right.
Good idea.
Do another spelling bee.
We could raise our salaries.
This could be a gold mine.
No, I mean make it right the right way.
I have no idea what you're talking about, but I trust you completely.
I'm really sorry about Kaylee.
I had no idea she was dyslexic.
I-- I just thought she made a stupid mistake.
Oh, well, in that case, apology accepted.
Okay.
Okay.
Now, I had an idea how to make it right: set up another spelling bee.
No.
No more spelling bees.
How about a poetry recital? I have to go buy a lice comb.
I'm on duty tomorrow.
Karen told me what you did.
What? I-- I was just trying to give her more responsibility.
Yeah.
You know, I thought you were past this getting back at me.
I am.
Of course I am.
Well, most days.
It depends what you're wearing.
Sorry.
Well, whatever the reasons you dated Melanie, she was good for you.
And I think it would be really stupid for you to throw it away.
Well, that ship has sailed, because I already dumped her.
Melanie and I have a special relationship.
Go on.
Listening.
Not that kind of special relationship.
Damn it.
What I am saying is, I think I can salvage this for you.
You just have to ask yourself, is it more important for you to be happy or me to be unhappy? Me to be happy.
Good.
But do you think you can just call her? Leave it to me.
So that's why the city wants to give you money.
I don't understand.
I want to give you money in the budget to keep the reading recovery program.
To help with childhood literacy.
Is this some kind of trick? No one ever gives us money.
Why would you think this is a trick? No, this is a completely selfless act to help the reading impaired.
Now why don't we take this opportunity for a photo.
Smile.
Now, how do you plan to pay for this budget increase, Mr.
Mayor? Uh, not sure yet.
But we'll find the money somewhere.
Got to admit, I'm not really a numbers guy.
"I'm not a numbers guy.
" Oh, that's too bad.
And there are a bunch of angry citizens outside who want to know why a stupid mayor who doesn't know numbers has raised their property taxes.
Okay, I'll go face the music.
To think I thought you knew what you were doing.
Dan.
Hey.
I know it's a bad time.
I just wanted to thank you for the money you gave the library.
I'm sorry it didn't make the paper.
Oh, that's all right.
I-- I deserve what I got.
But I appreciate you coming down and thank me in person.
I didn't.
I'm here with the angry mob.
I should get back to them.
I'll see you out there.
What? I'm glad you called.
I wanted to talk to you about Mike.
Mm, dodged a bullet there, huh? Sorry? I was going to break up with him.
And then he starts to break up with me, and I said, "Mel, just nod and act sad.
" Oh, so you wouldn't want to get back together with him? What? No.
You can't have a substantial relationship with a guy like that.
I'd have to have no self-esteem whatsoever.
I was engaged to him.
Yeah.
That's the reason why I wanted to talk to you.
So, did Claire smooth it over? Are we back together? Uh, no.
You couldn't wait? Well, you were so confident.
You and Melanie have that bond.
I just thought-- Bond? This is a little awkward.
Look, Claire, I don't think that you and I can be friends.
I was just hanging out with you because you were a friend of Mike's.
Oh.
Goodbye.
Wow.
The way she just dropped you? Very attractive.
Melanie, wait.
Hey.
What's up? Oh, nothing.
I hope you don't mind being seen in public with a dumb mayor.
What? No, sorry.
Distracted.
I was just kind of dumped.
What? That was Melanie.
Oh, that's Claire 2.
0, huh? Well, I think Claire 1.
0 is way hotter.
You know, for a dumb mayor, you're pretty smart.
Huh? Come here.
But she's a better kisser.
Dan!