Dan Vs. (2010) s02e04 Episode Script

1 (mr.
mumbles) Moww.
Listen, I want to start our marathon of "Pay Cable Prison Drama" too, but Chris has been looking forward to this almost as long as I have and I promised we'd wait.
(mr.
mumbles agreeing) Mrow.
What is this garbage? Ugh.
(t.
v.
announcer) welcometo the smooth lane.
Cancelled.
(t.
v.
announcer) -Italia' gives us an insight into ballet's very- (answering machine) Hi, this is Chris- Chris! Get over here-- (answering machine) and i'm not in right now.
(answering machine) so leave a message!-- (answering machine beeps) Where are you? We were supposed to be watching a marathon of 'Pay Cable Prison Drama'! Mr.
Mumbles and I can't wait anymore, especially since my TV has been hijacked by this dancing nonsense.
Do you know what a cellie would do if you punked him like this? A shanking, sir! Now you dance your way over- (the machine beeps) You're beeping me? Nobody beeps me! You stay here Mr.
Mumbles.
I'm going to go hit Chris where he lives-- his house.
What are you doing, you moron? One man flash mob, bra.
A "mob" implies a group.
You are but a lone dumdum.
Hey! Get off of my car! You'd better run! Alright!It's like I finally know what childbirth feels like! What is going on with all this dancing malarky? Chris too?! WHAT are you doing? Dancing! Dan! WE'RE practicing for 'Swing til the Spring', an endurance swing dance contest.
You are not invited.
Get out of our house.
Hey! DANCING!!! Unhand me, you Sasquatchian donkey! Can you calm down? Can you shut up? I've come to claim Chris.
He promised me his time.
I said 'maybe'.
Well, you can't have him.
I'm using him right now.
You two know I'm a independent individual, right? I can say no to both of you right now if I want to.
I'm getting a lemon bar Madam, it is one thing to debase yourself with dance, but to involve an innocent like Chris is deplorable.
All right, you know There is nothing "base" about dance.
It is a beautiful combination of body, soul, rhythm, grace and discipline, something you wouldn't know anything about.
What are you talking about?! I'm disciplined! Okay.
Listen to me very carefully-- You can either leave right now or I can test my new taser blade on you.
Taser blade? Exactly what it sounds like.
This isn't over.
Is that my sharp cheddar? OUR sharp cheddar.
And yes.
I thought you were getting a lemon bar.
We're out.
What are these crumbs on your shirt? Lemon bar Thank you for calling- Where's your stupid dance-a-ma-jig? Dan? The contest's in Pasadena.
Why? No reason.
Say, is the building part of a multiple business structure or is it a stand-alone? It's a stand-alo- hold on.
Dan, come on, don't ruin my wife's thing.
She ruined first! Hello? Dan? Hello! Hello! Dan, where are you? Where are YOU? I'm at your front door.
(dan to himself) Now there's some irony.
(to Chris) Sorry buddy.
Mr.
Mumbles has refused to open the door when she's home alone since we watched that movie, 'The Kitty Snatchers'.
You'll just have to wait out front until I get back.
Please leave the contest alone.
This is a really big deal to Elise.
Oh, it's a big deal to Elise, is it? In that case- WHO CARES?! Look, ever since Elise was a little girl, she's had a single dream.
To find some big, stupid guy and ruin his life? Mission accomplished.
She wanted to be a dancer.
And her mom wouldn't let her.
Yeah, that's called "parenting.
" They put her into kendo classes, skeet shooting, cryptology but all she wanted to do was dance.
Now that she's an adult, she's been taking lessons pretty seriously.
It's her way of reclaiming her childhood.
Why would anyone want to do that? Childhood stinks.
Dan, promise me you won't do anything to ruin Elise's dance contest.
What was that? Phone reception isn't great down here- bcchhhwa chhhwaachhhwwaa- Wait, down where? CchQuawa-huh? Nevermind.
Just wait where you are.
I'll be back in a few hours.
Bzzzbzz-badreception Elise? I think we have a problem Maybe he went to the wrong place.
Pasadena is lousy with dance contests.
Did you just call my dance contest "lousy?" No! I meant- Aha! Did you bring the canary? Check.
some holes-they're dug very deep some holes-they show inside the weak-some holes are fun to play around-this hole brings the dance contest down- (elise os) Dan! Not one more swing, do you hear me?! Hold this.
Hey! I am only going to ask you this once: Why are you digging a tunnel under my dance hall? I am weakening the foundation of this structure so it will be red tagged and Chris is no longer of use to you.
Don't you lie to me! I- wait, that sounded like the truth.
And just what are you implying? Look, I'm finally going to live my dream of winning a dance competition- Wait, winning? You said "entering.
" -and nothing, I repeat nothing, is going to stop me.
You can have Chris when I'm done.
How long would I get him for? How about a full week? A human being.
I am an autonomous human being.
That does sound pretty reasonable.
Unfortunately, plans have already been set in motion, charges have been placed and, well, I'm no quitter.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
(dan os) oof! MrrnnWhat did I do last night? The last thing I remember is Elise! I never liked that harpy Better call Chris- No phone? No wallet? Hey! Where are my keys?! Am I in a box? Well this isn't good.
Push through the pain, Chris! We need to increase our cardio! (collapsing) Gug.
Oh come on! Just 10 more minutes.
Elise?! FINE.
Can we talk about what happened with Dan? His phone's been going to voicemail.
I stopped by his apartment and he wasn't there.
Plus, when I looked in the window, Mr.
Mumbles was looking awfully thin and she wasn't moving.
There's nothing to talk about.
Dan's "away".
That's all that matters.
Elise?! I can't quite put my finger on it but I don't like the looks of that guy.
Hmmm, I wonder if they know each other? What is this? Why doesn't anyone just carry a gun anymore? So this is how it ends? For the first time my horoscope was right Look, after you dropped me off, you said you were taking him home.
I thought it was weird that we didn't just drop him off and go home together, but you know I like to give you your space- And I love you for that.
Is Dan okay? Well, there are levels of "okay" What did you do to him?! Chris, one of the things I love about dance is discipline, and nobody needs to be disciplined more than Dan.
He wanted to fight dancing? I mailed him to the epicenter of fight-dancing.
He'll have to learn discipline to survive.
Survive?! Wait, fight-dancing? WaitMailed? Leave me alone!! No means no! You're a long way from home, peppercino.
Ahh! Who are you? Just an old man.
The last living remnant of a once-great hotbed of the physical arts.
What? What?! Where are we? The forgotten land of Pembroke.
Never heard of it.
Hence, "forgotten land.
" What exactly do you mean by the "epicenter of fight-dancing"? Many years ago, a culture of dance, never before seen in this hemisphere, descended on a small town called Pembroke.
This precipitous happening brought a lot of dance industry jobs to town.
It became an immediate, international hub for the evolution of dance.
In fact they called it "the home of the dance".
They even had a sign made.
But just as suddenly as the movement came, it was gone.
And with it went all of the jobs, the hope, and yes, even the soul of that poor little town, leaving behind only a scattered and direction-less few who, eventually went feral.
The dance devolved into what is now known around the hushed valleys of the region as "fight dancing".
After decades of a savage, scavenger existence and unrepentant inbreeding, the townsfolk had all collectively gone quite mad And you sent Dan there? I'm sure he'll fit right in.
Those that could, fled.
In my hubris, I was sure the town would reclaim its forgotten glory.
I chose to stay.
What a fool I was Well, this has been, like a bonkers amount of fun, but I have got to skedaddle.
You leave now, they'll finish you off.
Look outside.
Are they about to fight over is that carrion? Hard to tell from here.
Could be a mating dance.
Yeesh, grim and grimmer.
Listen oldie, I need to get out of here without falling prey to those creepy back-up dancers.
To do that, you must defeat the dance, itself.
To defeat the dance, you must become the dance! I can train you.
In Pembroke's heyday, I was their greatest instructor.
What makes you so great? I invented this- -shimmyshimmyshimmyshimmyshimmy That's uh, yeah that's wonderful.
So what do you want for helping me? You must promise to take me with you.
Sure, fine.
All right, Let's see what you've got.
Elise, I think you've gone too far.
He has to learn, Chris.
He'll be fine.
So when's he be coming home? Soon, I'm sure.
(to herself, quietly) Unless he's become a plaything for a gang of subhuman dance monsters.
What ! What was that? I said "soon".
Plie! Rond de jambe! Jete! Shimmyshimmyshimmy! Shave that back! What?! Ow! Ow! All you're teaching me is how to be angry, which I already know! Dance IS anger! Grit those teeth! Fight that rhythm! Saut de basque! That's it! To defeat the dance- I know! You are like a broken record.
Keep up, Chris.
Step, step, back step.
My ankle hurts.
I think I might have a hairline fracture.
You don't have a hairline fracture.
I don't know.
I don't want it to get any worse.
Maybe I should- No excuses.
Dance.
You are ready.
FINALLY.
Well, monsters, ho, I suppose.
Don't forget! To defeat the dance- Yeah, I got it! Elise, it's been a few days and still no word from Dan.
Oh? I think I should file a missing persons report.
I don't think it would do any good.
Pembroke is a lawless town where normal humans fear to tread.
Dan's just going to have to make it out of there on his own.
It's for his own good.
And ours, a little.
So Dan's just gone? Chris, honey, you've got too much on your mind right now.
You need to let some of this pressure go.
Dan is just fine, trust me.
Yes I will trust you You don't worry about anything except bringing home that trophy.
Yes trophies are shiny and I will bring shiny home to you That's my big, strong man.
Well fellas, it's about that time.
Let's bourree to the coda.
Well, I guess that couldn't have been avoided, given the circumstances.
Now, which way to the highway? I'll get you, Elise and your little dance contest too.
Hey wait! You said you'd take me with you.
People say things! Vengeance is my true north We're finally doing this! Okie Dokie, everything is in order here.
Who's your alternate? My what? Because of the unfortunate incident last year and the resulting lawsuits, each team must have one alternate, so long as the transition between partners is seamless.
What?! That's outrageous! We weren't notified! Perhaps if you had read the addendum that was mailed to everyone Lady, I pored over every scrap of paper you people sent me If that were true, you would have known about the alternate.
Do you want me to come across this desk? Whoa, okay! Very sorry.
Don't apologize to her.
They never sent an addendum! Oh! That thing.
Yeah, I think we did get that.
It must have slipped my mind.
Oh well, no biggie, right? You will win me this trophy or I'll have you swing dancing every other Wednesday from next Wednesday until the penultimate Wednesday of your life.
Wait, you said if I did this one contest with you that was it.
No more.
New terms.
Think of it as an addendum.
(mc thru speakers) Alright cats and canaries, is everybody ready to swing? (everyone cheers) (mc cont'd) ready, set, boogie! Don't you ruin this for me.
You're lucky I came along when I did.
Not too many normals come around Pembroke these days.
Not a safe place for supple little pumpkin like yourself.
Could you just drive, please? Ahh! My ankle! I think I broke my ankle! It's not broken! Dance it off.
I can't! It hurts so much.
I need to stop.
There is no quitting! Please Who are you? I'm Dan.
YOU! Thought you could be rid of me so easily? Little did you realize you sent me to the one place where I could learn the very skills to vanquish you from this trifling little competition you hold so dear: Dance-fighting! Shimmyshimmyshimmy.
This is the worst pain I've ever felt!! NO!! Much worse! Hey! Let go! I'm not here to dance WITH you, I'm here to dance AT you.
Let me go! You think I won't hit a girl? Wow!! Okay folks, only two couples left! Couple number 2.
Look at them go! Dan! Did you hear that? We've almost won! So? I'm going to make you lose this contest, Miss Priss.
You help me now, you can have Chris for three solid weeks.
He can sleep on your floor if you want him to.
(chris os) You don't own me! Deal! Man, I hate dancing.
You're really good at it.
Why do you always say stuff like you're surprised I'm awesome? I'm awesome! Sorry, I just didn't know you could dance.
Well I had to learn pretty quickly to survive a desolate wasteland full of crazed dance monsters.
Hey thanks for that.
And that is that, eggs and kittens.
Only one couple stands! Congratulations, hep cats, come on up and collect your trophy! Oh no! NOOO! It's like someone is stabbing me and they just won't stop! You really shook your tailfeather out there, mamma.
Nice moves.
Thanks, Kent.
That's not my name.
Whatever.
Yay, trophy! Well old pal, it looks like nobody is calling an ambulance for you.
Why don't YOU just call one? Take it up with your phone-jacking lesser half.
Now get up.
You're mine for the next three weeks.
Ooh.
Sorry.
I'll uh, I'll get somebody.
Glad you could finally make it, buddy.
Hey, are you out of those pain meds?.
Yeah Say, where's Mr.
Mumbles, anyway? And finally tonight, in our weekly segment, "Only in Pasadena", Lindy's Hop, a-Swing dance club, was found to have tunnels dug beneath the entirety of its foundation.
The structure has been red tagged.
The owner had this to say: This is tragic.
I don't know how this could have happened.
Ha ha Only in Pasadena, right Lucy? In celebrity news- Oh my goodness! This is horrible! Good riddance, I say.
Oh yeah, I forgot about those.
Ha ha ha.
Wait, Elise and I removed all of the charges.
That reminds me.
You did tacitly allow her to Shanghai me.
SoFight Dance!