Danger 5 (2011) s02e04 Episode Script
Un Sacco Di Natale (A Sack of Christmas)
1 Previously on Danger 5 Hitler's reign as leader of the Fourth Reich must end! Is that jealousy I smell on your bread? The perfect salmon bouillabaisse.
That's a soup recipe! I hate soup! Oh, no.
She's dead as a boomerang.
It's a Christmas miracle! We got a fake ID.
It's from Vatican City.
Everybody in the car.
We're driving to the Vatican City! NEIN! When do I get a turn? You don't have to wait.
Just go up and punch him.
Red Mountain is hitting all the good parts.
I'll be left with the crotch, and that is White Death's domain! The crotch is my domain.
You don't call the shots anymore, Adolf.
We are taking over the Reich.
We're sick of vegetarian meals and hating art and jazz! Ja.
Und we really hate dogs! And we're sick of your pitiful obsession with the schoolgirl.
Nein! Religion is the key to world domination and tonight we take control of the Vatican, without you! Turn on the toxic ooze.
Time to die, Adolf.
Bingo.
I got a 20 on Battle-saurus.
Hitler must be somewhere inside.
Go check it out, Pierre.
I refuse to believe that the Vatican, the Holy Apple tree, would be sharing Christmas with Hitler! I'm switching over to thermal ray.
Whoa.
There's a bunch of priests doing weird shit with a coffin up there, man.
And I'm getting major readings from McKenzie's Nazi-meter.
Hai! Hai! This could be the big one! The mother ship! C'mon, Jackson, it's the sixth day of Christmas! It's a time for defeating witches by giving presents and eating cake.
C'mon, Pierre.
Victory cake tastes better than Christmas cake.
Can't you do it, my friend? Jesus will never forgive me if I snoopy snoop around his holy pad! OK.
A man has many burdens.
A dead wife, a heavy heart, defrosting bread.
Will you cut that crap out? # Mi chiamo hello Mi chiamo let's go Mi chiamo Nachos Italianos! Whoa! Traditional Italian food! And they deliver?! Where's the phone? Claire likes traditional Italian food.
Here, have a dim sim.
Yes.
No more getting down in the dumps, Tucker.
Open up a new bottle of sauce on life and move forward.
Forward to pursue the great outback dream of inventing the most refreshing cordial flavour.
Nachos Italianos? Mi chiamo I'm hungry.
Pineapple and blackcurrant! There's a thought! Like my good friend and TV personality Bert Emu always says, "She'll come up bonza, ya drongo.
" No Yahhhh! Yahhhh! OK.
The nachos will be here in half an hour.
Hmm? Where is Holly? I am getting tired of your stalling! I've got something! Ilsa? Forget that sour Kraut! Bring me my princess! Yes.
You.
You are my princess.
You are not getting any younger, Ilsa, and you have served Mother Russia well.
Here is your reward.
I am coming for you, Holly, my princess! Desert Fox, Klaus, White Death.
Search und destroy.
What about the other two? The Russians will get them.
It's true.
Hitler can hold his breath for a really long time.
Is Hitler behind this box? Look out, Pierre.
I'm getting major Nazi readings from that guy.
He's a priest.
The machine must be picking up holiness, not Naziness.
Merry Christmas, Father! The Christmas is merry! Ilsa.
Looks like you got that second chance, buddy.
Don't blow it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up.
I've got something for you, you know.
Uh, this time I came prepared.
I got, uh I got 'em.
I got the whole set.
Uh No.
This? Eh! It's a good one.
Hey! What's going on up there? Nice one, Jackson! Father! No! I'm Catholic! I've been confirmed.
I promise! Twice! No! No! What have I done! I've killed a man of the cloth! Please forgive me, Jesus! No! Mmm.
Alright.
Uh, is this good? Wait! Khrushchev? What do you mean, Nikita Khrushchev? Really? Sleep.
Hello again, my love.
I can't handle this world, McKenzie.
I'm turning to pills! Pierre's vast collection of mystery pills will fix my life! So these must be Pierre's 'cheer-up movies' he keeps talking about.
Sumimasen.
Sumimasen.
Sumimasen.
Sumimasen.
Sumimasen.
Sumimasen.
Ohh.
Ohh! Australia! Ohh, cricket! I'm home! Everyone's here.
G'day, Mum! G'day, Dad! G'day, little cousin Jethro! Australia! Oh, he'll be playing run-ball for the Newmantle Quokkas in no time! Gonna win, just like Bobby Modra.
Round the wicket.
Wickie, wickie, wickie.
Claire! Happy Australian Day, darling.
We're about to throw another koala on the barbie.
How could I have killed a priest?! How could? A ring? A Nazi ring? A ring-wearing Nazi? You lied to me, Jesus! That piece of fish is gettin' away! Too slow, pal! Fish! You can't get me in here! No, but my bullets can! Thanks, bullets.
Come in.
Come in, White Death? White Death, come in? Come in.
Is everything under control, White Death? Uh, A-OK.
He's down.
Down to death.
Wunderbar.
Get your ass to the Penthouse.
Huh? If you do not drink the syrup we will stab it into your crotch, holy man.
Either way, you'll become a Nazi.
That glass is tooth-proof, Hitler.
You will never get out.
Tooth-proof Hitler? Hold him still, Herr Pedro.
White Death, come here! Huh? Come on! Take the syringe.
The crotch is your domain! Holy fish, it's the Pope.
Think, Pierre! Think! I can't kill these men in front of the Holy Father.
How can you hear me? Did Jesus give you special powers? Fish.
Nein, nein, nein! Pedro, nein! Please forgive me, Father! Red Mountain! Beast! After him! Eichmann, time for Plan B.
Ow, my face! I'm impressed you survived, John Baccarat.
As you can see, I too am hard to kill.
Yes! Every time I look in the mirror, I see the woman that I love! Oh, I don't want to have you, Ilsa.
I want to become you.
God, Christ! God, no! Do you know how much it hurts to see the woman you love with another man, Ilsa? A man like John Baccarat! No.
Wait.
What? It's time you learnt the pain of losing a lover to another man.
No, no, no, no! I'm not gonna do it! You won't make me do it.
Just give me back my rubbers! Have you ever hated someone so much that you begin to love them? Does it hurt you to see your lover with another woman, Ilsa? A woman more beautiful than even you! What?! Why are you laughing?! Whoo-hoo? The friend zone? Not the zone! I invoke the Egyptian goddess Hathor! No, a cow! Why?! I'm bored.
Where are the nachos at? Only dagos eat ravioli, Mum.
Sure.
What? I'm not gonna drink too much.
I've got bloody work tomorrow.
Another frosty Freecastle Bitter, Dad? That's it! I'm not going to work tomorrow! Pulling a sickie! Sickie! Can't you see I am trying to enjoy Australian Day with my family? No! No! Yes! Nachos Italianos! Eugh.
Are you Holly? Mi chiamo gimme the Nachos Italianos, Guido.
I am not Guido.
I am your king and you are my Snow Maiden! Now come fly away with me! Stop right there! Don't move.
Just let me finish this rum Bobak! Let him eat it.
They are good.
Nein! Friends, I need your help! Hey, he's got big points.
Ha! Ha! Ja, ha! Frohe Weihnachten.
Here! Have ein communion cookie.
Nice.
As a Christmas surprise, I, the Pope, will be making some changes to the Catholic Church.
Firstly, the cross will now have a modern edge! Never question the Pope! Padre, figlio, spirito santo! It's up to me to save Christmas! McKenzie! Wake up! Some crazy guido is trying to get me! Why you run, Princess? I have candies! Ugh! Ow! Ugh! Ah Whooooaaaa! Gesu Cristo! Take me to the police station! Che? Um, mi chiamo police station! Discoteca? No, not the discotheque.
Actually, yeah.
The discotheque would be sweet! Goddamn it, Ilsa.
Do something! Why didn't you do that before? I had forced congress with a dude who looked like a chick and then turned into a cow and hooved the shit out of me and on top of all that, I find out I'm in the zone?! How could I possibly have fun?! Friendo? The zone! The zone.
Jesus is to be replaced with Solstice Man.
Naughty children will be taken away and eaten by the demon Krampus.
Move! Stop him, meine children! He wields the plank of doubt! No! No! This is the plank of truth! He's a phoney pony pope! Bormann, you piece of fish.
It's Christmas! Yay! That's the Pope! Benvenuto a Pizza Hat.
Pizza Hat?! Are you serious.
I want Nachos Italianos! Ugh.
Fine.
I'll have the deep-fried Margherita, the Led Zeppole Leave me alone! I just wanna chow down and veg out.
It's Christmas! Stop crying on me, Hey-soos! Alright.
Yeah.
Leave me alone, McKenzie.
I'm happy here.
Claire's alive, the beers are getting frosty in the coolabah box and it's Australian Day! Take me home, McKenzie.
I'm ready to face reality like a man! HOLLY! Merry Christmas, you piece of fish.
Welcome to Hell, Hitler! Care for some juice? Heil! Nuovo da Tamico.
Pizzeria McKenzie Deluxe! Ganzo! Primo fai la pasta! E poi scegli i complimenti.
Scarafaggi bellissimi! Ecco metti nel forno! E pronto! Non dimenticate il ooze! Pizzeria McKenzie ingrediente ooze vendesi esclusivamente da Tamico.
Buon appetito, dudes!
That's a soup recipe! I hate soup! Oh, no.
She's dead as a boomerang.
It's a Christmas miracle! We got a fake ID.
It's from Vatican City.
Everybody in the car.
We're driving to the Vatican City! NEIN! When do I get a turn? You don't have to wait.
Just go up and punch him.
Red Mountain is hitting all the good parts.
I'll be left with the crotch, and that is White Death's domain! The crotch is my domain.
You don't call the shots anymore, Adolf.
We are taking over the Reich.
We're sick of vegetarian meals and hating art and jazz! Ja.
Und we really hate dogs! And we're sick of your pitiful obsession with the schoolgirl.
Nein! Religion is the key to world domination and tonight we take control of the Vatican, without you! Turn on the toxic ooze.
Time to die, Adolf.
Bingo.
I got a 20 on Battle-saurus.
Hitler must be somewhere inside.
Go check it out, Pierre.
I refuse to believe that the Vatican, the Holy Apple tree, would be sharing Christmas with Hitler! I'm switching over to thermal ray.
Whoa.
There's a bunch of priests doing weird shit with a coffin up there, man.
And I'm getting major readings from McKenzie's Nazi-meter.
Hai! Hai! This could be the big one! The mother ship! C'mon, Jackson, it's the sixth day of Christmas! It's a time for defeating witches by giving presents and eating cake.
C'mon, Pierre.
Victory cake tastes better than Christmas cake.
Can't you do it, my friend? Jesus will never forgive me if I snoopy snoop around his holy pad! OK.
A man has many burdens.
A dead wife, a heavy heart, defrosting bread.
Will you cut that crap out? # Mi chiamo hello Mi chiamo let's go Mi chiamo Nachos Italianos! Whoa! Traditional Italian food! And they deliver?! Where's the phone? Claire likes traditional Italian food.
Here, have a dim sim.
Yes.
No more getting down in the dumps, Tucker.
Open up a new bottle of sauce on life and move forward.
Forward to pursue the great outback dream of inventing the most refreshing cordial flavour.
Nachos Italianos? Mi chiamo I'm hungry.
Pineapple and blackcurrant! There's a thought! Like my good friend and TV personality Bert Emu always says, "She'll come up bonza, ya drongo.
" No Yahhhh! Yahhhh! OK.
The nachos will be here in half an hour.
Hmm? Where is Holly? I am getting tired of your stalling! I've got something! Ilsa? Forget that sour Kraut! Bring me my princess! Yes.
You.
You are my princess.
You are not getting any younger, Ilsa, and you have served Mother Russia well.
Here is your reward.
I am coming for you, Holly, my princess! Desert Fox, Klaus, White Death.
Search und destroy.
What about the other two? The Russians will get them.
It's true.
Hitler can hold his breath for a really long time.
Is Hitler behind this box? Look out, Pierre.
I'm getting major Nazi readings from that guy.
He's a priest.
The machine must be picking up holiness, not Naziness.
Merry Christmas, Father! The Christmas is merry! Ilsa.
Looks like you got that second chance, buddy.
Don't blow it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up.
I've got something for you, you know.
Uh, this time I came prepared.
I got, uh I got 'em.
I got the whole set.
Uh No.
This? Eh! It's a good one.
Hey! What's going on up there? Nice one, Jackson! Father! No! I'm Catholic! I've been confirmed.
I promise! Twice! No! No! What have I done! I've killed a man of the cloth! Please forgive me, Jesus! No! Mmm.
Alright.
Uh, is this good? Wait! Khrushchev? What do you mean, Nikita Khrushchev? Really? Sleep.
Hello again, my love.
I can't handle this world, McKenzie.
I'm turning to pills! Pierre's vast collection of mystery pills will fix my life! So these must be Pierre's 'cheer-up movies' he keeps talking about.
Sumimasen.
Sumimasen.
Sumimasen.
Sumimasen.
Sumimasen.
Sumimasen.
Ohh.
Ohh! Australia! Ohh, cricket! I'm home! Everyone's here.
G'day, Mum! G'day, Dad! G'day, little cousin Jethro! Australia! Oh, he'll be playing run-ball for the Newmantle Quokkas in no time! Gonna win, just like Bobby Modra.
Round the wicket.
Wickie, wickie, wickie.
Claire! Happy Australian Day, darling.
We're about to throw another koala on the barbie.
How could I have killed a priest?! How could? A ring? A Nazi ring? A ring-wearing Nazi? You lied to me, Jesus! That piece of fish is gettin' away! Too slow, pal! Fish! You can't get me in here! No, but my bullets can! Thanks, bullets.
Come in.
Come in, White Death? White Death, come in? Come in.
Is everything under control, White Death? Uh, A-OK.
He's down.
Down to death.
Wunderbar.
Get your ass to the Penthouse.
Huh? If you do not drink the syrup we will stab it into your crotch, holy man.
Either way, you'll become a Nazi.
That glass is tooth-proof, Hitler.
You will never get out.
Tooth-proof Hitler? Hold him still, Herr Pedro.
White Death, come here! Huh? Come on! Take the syringe.
The crotch is your domain! Holy fish, it's the Pope.
Think, Pierre! Think! I can't kill these men in front of the Holy Father.
How can you hear me? Did Jesus give you special powers? Fish.
Nein, nein, nein! Pedro, nein! Please forgive me, Father! Red Mountain! Beast! After him! Eichmann, time for Plan B.
Ow, my face! I'm impressed you survived, John Baccarat.
As you can see, I too am hard to kill.
Yes! Every time I look in the mirror, I see the woman that I love! Oh, I don't want to have you, Ilsa.
I want to become you.
God, Christ! God, no! Do you know how much it hurts to see the woman you love with another man, Ilsa? A man like John Baccarat! No.
Wait.
What? It's time you learnt the pain of losing a lover to another man.
No, no, no, no! I'm not gonna do it! You won't make me do it.
Just give me back my rubbers! Have you ever hated someone so much that you begin to love them? Does it hurt you to see your lover with another woman, Ilsa? A woman more beautiful than even you! What?! Why are you laughing?! Whoo-hoo? The friend zone? Not the zone! I invoke the Egyptian goddess Hathor! No, a cow! Why?! I'm bored.
Where are the nachos at? Only dagos eat ravioli, Mum.
Sure.
What? I'm not gonna drink too much.
I've got bloody work tomorrow.
Another frosty Freecastle Bitter, Dad? That's it! I'm not going to work tomorrow! Pulling a sickie! Sickie! Can't you see I am trying to enjoy Australian Day with my family? No! No! Yes! Nachos Italianos! Eugh.
Are you Holly? Mi chiamo gimme the Nachos Italianos, Guido.
I am not Guido.
I am your king and you are my Snow Maiden! Now come fly away with me! Stop right there! Don't move.
Just let me finish this rum Bobak! Let him eat it.
They are good.
Nein! Friends, I need your help! Hey, he's got big points.
Ha! Ha! Ja, ha! Frohe Weihnachten.
Here! Have ein communion cookie.
Nice.
As a Christmas surprise, I, the Pope, will be making some changes to the Catholic Church.
Firstly, the cross will now have a modern edge! Never question the Pope! Padre, figlio, spirito santo! It's up to me to save Christmas! McKenzie! Wake up! Some crazy guido is trying to get me! Why you run, Princess? I have candies! Ugh! Ow! Ugh! Ah Whooooaaaa! Gesu Cristo! Take me to the police station! Che? Um, mi chiamo police station! Discoteca? No, not the discotheque.
Actually, yeah.
The discotheque would be sweet! Goddamn it, Ilsa.
Do something! Why didn't you do that before? I had forced congress with a dude who looked like a chick and then turned into a cow and hooved the shit out of me and on top of all that, I find out I'm in the zone?! How could I possibly have fun?! Friendo? The zone! The zone.
Jesus is to be replaced with Solstice Man.
Naughty children will be taken away and eaten by the demon Krampus.
Move! Stop him, meine children! He wields the plank of doubt! No! No! This is the plank of truth! He's a phoney pony pope! Bormann, you piece of fish.
It's Christmas! Yay! That's the Pope! Benvenuto a Pizza Hat.
Pizza Hat?! Are you serious.
I want Nachos Italianos! Ugh.
Fine.
I'll have the deep-fried Margherita, the Led Zeppole Leave me alone! I just wanna chow down and veg out.
It's Christmas! Stop crying on me, Hey-soos! Alright.
Yeah.
Leave me alone, McKenzie.
I'm happy here.
Claire's alive, the beers are getting frosty in the coolabah box and it's Australian Day! Take me home, McKenzie.
I'm ready to face reality like a man! HOLLY! Merry Christmas, you piece of fish.
Welcome to Hell, Hitler! Care for some juice? Heil! Nuovo da Tamico.
Pizzeria McKenzie Deluxe! Ganzo! Primo fai la pasta! E poi scegli i complimenti.
Scarafaggi bellissimi! Ecco metti nel forno! E pronto! Non dimenticate il ooze! Pizzeria McKenzie ingrediente ooze vendesi esclusivamente da Tamico.
Buon appetito, dudes!