DAVE (2020) s02e04 Episode Script

1
(SECOND MOVEMENT OF SCHUBERT'S
PIANO TRIO NO. 2 PLAYING)
(ELECTRONIC CHIME)
(TURNS OFF MUSIC)
DAVE: Kareem Abdul ♪
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar ♪
These hooks got me scoring ♪
- See me coming from afar ♪
- Hey ♪
- Kareem Abdul ♪
- Hey, hey ♪
- Kareem Abdul-Jabbar ♪
- Hey ♪
- Hey ♪
- This is my lane ♪
- Let me show ya how to ball ♪
- Ah, yeah. ♪
(ALARM CLOCK RINGING)
(MOANS SOFTLY)
(ALARM CLOCK CONTINUES RINGING)
(YAWNS)
(BEEPING CONTINUES)
(MOANS SOFTLY)
(ALARM SHUTS OFF)
Uh
(GASPS) Oh, my God!
No, it's okay.
I'm just peeing sitting down.
- (URINE SPATTERING)
- No poop.
How's your back?
Oh, it's turning into
something different.
I need a little privacy. Sorry.
Oh, fuck.
- (DAVE GRUNTS)
- Okay.
What are we doing, hospital corners?
- No.
- What's your process?
- I got it.
- Meet me in All right.
- Just like this.
- Whew!
Uh, did you sleep okay?
Oh, my God, I was like Rumpelstiltskin.
Are you kiddin'? It was great.
Slept like a baby under a rock.
Here, I got it, I got it.
All right, I'll let you, uh
tend to the oh, my God, Monchichi!
It's been so long
since I've seen you. What?
Yeah, Mama's been doing drugs.
- Oxys, I think, maybe speed.
- Uh, Dave, I I've got to go to work.
- Is there anything else that you need, or?
- I'm just talking to Monchichi.
Oh, whoa. What are you doing here?
I slept on the couch
No funny business.
I was just tending to her, uh,
- back issue.
- I see.
ALLY: No.
There's nothing to see.
I see.
ALLY: Okay.
Hey, how would you feel about
hanging out more intentionally?
Say tomorrow night?
Uh, I You know what?
Tomorrow I actually have a thing.
- I got a work work thing.
- Oh.
You know, my Instagram stalking
has showed me
that you now teach seventh graders.
Uh, do you, like,
find yourself working more
because they have a higher level
of consciousness?
No. No.
Uh, it's just that
t-tomorrow after school
I'm hosting this fundraising event
- for the kids.
- Oh, cool.
- That's awesome.
- Yeah, they cut
the funding for the arts program,
and I'm trying to save it,
- but it's whatever.
- Not cool.
EMMA: Talk your shit, girl.
- I gotta I gotta go.
- If I Okay.
I'd love to hear more.
But what about Thursday?
- Maybe. Maybe.
- Okay, I'll text you.
- I'll get in your calendar.
- Okay.
- Okay, say bye to Monchichi.
- Bye.
(GROANS) Bye.
Hmm, you deserve a proper goodbye.
Okay, for real, though.
Did you guys hook up?
No.
I actually vomited on her.
I don't even want to know more.
What? You know everything.
I just told you.
Mm-mm.
Okay.
(ENGINE ROARING ON VIDEO GAME)
(GRUNTS)
MIKE: Kareem heard your song.
Huh? What song?
Who's Kareem?
Are you serious, Dave?
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar heard
"Kareem Abdul-Jabbar."
- No, he didn't.
- Yeah.
- His manager just emailed me.
- Wow!
- Mm-hmm.
- It's been out for a year and a half.
- He's hearing it now?
- He's 73, Dave.
Kareem the Dream?
The leading scorer in NBA history?
- That's the guy.
- Is sitting over there listening to LD?
Wait till he hears
your debut album Penith.
- If you ever write it.
- Yeah, I'm sure he's gonna love it.
Man, the piss is just,
it's shooting out of my dick
right now with this new information.
Good job, Mike. Way to I
don't know if you did anything,
- but good job.
- I did.
Ah, man! Unbelievable.
Yeah, he wants to meet you today.
What is with this doorknob?
He wants to meet me today?
Yeah, today.
This is Ah! What a dream!
The man made of silk?
- Uh-huh.
- And me?
What are we gonna do? This is unbelie
I'm gonna touch his head and
kiss I might kiss his face.
- Don't
- I got to piss so fu
- Don't touch or kiss him, Dave.
- Hey.
What's with the bathroom door?
It's not opening.
Turn the knob. Try turning it
the other way. -I turned it, so
Can you fix this?
I'm not the handyman, Dave.
Look. I'm running errands all
day, so I'll-I'll figure it out.
- I'll take care of it, okay?
- I'm gonna go outside
and piss on an anthill
and watch them all burn.
- Okay.
- Kareem!
Bruh, why the fuck you got us
eating this American food, bro?
I was just at this
Ethiopian spot the other day.
That shit was fine nigga!
I mean, I'm telling you,
like, super fine, bro.
And I just found out
that it's 2013 in Ethiopia, bro.
What-what does that
What do you No, they're
It's now in Ethiopia.
Man, you got to respect it, bro.
They doing their own thing over there.
- Why are we eating this shit?
- Okay, I-I don't know
what you're talking about,
but we're eating at this place
because my clients wanted
- to meet me here, so
- Your clients?
How the fuck you got new clients, bro?
You didn't even check my music out yet.
I'm posting my shit all in the comments,
- tweeting at reality shows.
- I know. Gata, it
it slid on my desk
I didn't even go looking for it.
It just happened to be.
(SCOFFS) Oh, wow,
so you just moguling up out here,
- you and your boss shit, huh?
- True.
MAN: Attention, attention, everyone.
This establishment
is being shut down immediately.
All right, we found out
they're serving horse meat.
- All right?
- (EXCITED CHATTER)
God, please don't eat that. Thank you.
We're gonna get this all checked out.
We're gonna analyze it.
- Nothing to worry about.
- What?
- What the hell is going on?
- These sandwiches right here,
- right here, everybody
- No. Stop. Listen. I'm losing business!
What are you doing!?
- Horsemeat.
- You are ruining my life!
(LAUGHING): Bro! Bro, it's a prank!
- Yo, it's a prank, bro!
- Got eem!
- Dude, it's all fake. It's a prank.
- Yo, Mike, yo!
Yo.
- What's up, Mike?
- Dude, we got him, bro, we got him!
Very good, guys.
These are The Stone Twins.
These are my clients.
- They're huge on TikTok.
- Yo, how'd it look?
- GATA: Wow.
- It looked good.
I'm gonna have to get some
signatures, because Right?
- Yeah.
- GATA: You mean to tell me y'all
fuck with people for a living,
put it on the Internet and get paid?
Yeah. -Yeah, it's our main thing,
but we also do challenges
and dances. -Ah,
that's some white people shit for real.
But I respect the gander
y'all got going. -Thanks, man.
Uh, Gata's Lil Dicky's hype man.
Bro, he's a fucking legend.
- He's a legend.
- That's why we signed with Mike.
Oh, yeah, that's cool, but
I'm not just a hype man, though.
I really be rappin', doing my shit, too.
That's so fire. Yo, let us
shout you out on IG real quick,
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna get y'all
on my shit, too.
Ah, dude, we're gonna boost
you up, bro. Let's go.
Oh, hell yeah. Hey, I'm already
(GATA, BRODY AND CODY
ALL TAKING AT ONCE)
Dude's got bars, bro
Oh, my God, that's, like, Barack
Obama gave you thing
didn't he? This is
That's a real MVP trophy.
How many MVPs have you won?
- Six.
- Six?
That's right.
Geez Louise. You still hoop?
No.
I mean, look at these shorts.
They're so tight.
Like, aren't things, like,
flying and flopping around?
- And, I mean, the goggles
- Can I offer you something to drink?
I'd love a tall drink of water.
You know where I can find one?
Just messin' around.
This is from the era when guys
were, like, you know,
going around dribbling
like this, you know,
and they're just, like
You got Cousy running around, and
I feel like there were, like,
Jewish men in the league back then.
Hey, how do you go about
picking a Muslim name?
Like, how, like
what is that process?
Let's go sit down.
Yeah.
All right.
Wow, what a foyer. Or "foy-yay."
- Oh, thanks.
- Yeah.
What do you even do all day?
Well, these days
I spend a lot of time writing.
Please, have a seat.
Players' Tribune?
I'm talking to them about,
uh, doing, like, a cartoon
with Rajon Rondo.
That's a crazy name: Rajon Rondo.
- I wonder if he's, uh
- No,
I-I, uh, actually write
about social issues.
- Oh.
- I'd love to write
about you and your song.
(SNIFFS) Hold on a minute,
I'm gonna go get some tea.
Okay.
Social issues?
"By Kareem Abdul-Jabbar."
(TEAKETTLE WHISTLING)
"Race." "Privilege."
"Lena Dunham"?
Is this the same Kareem?
(WHISTLING LOUDLY)
DAVE: How does he
write all these articles?
If you don't mind,
I'm gonna record this conversation.
Oh, uh, is this is this an interview?
Yeah.
(BEEP)
DAVE: Okay.
What do you want to, uh
discuss?
I'd like to know
what your inspiration was
for superimposing your face
on my body.
Sure. Uh
And just so you know,
it's, uh, not just my face,
it's not just my facial skin
It was, like, my whole, uh
skull and cranial
It was So
like, it's not, uh
it's not
blackface.
What would you call it?
Black-body?
Mm
maybe.
I It's Kareem-body.
You know?
Your body is, like, a sanctum.
It's, like, it's-it's, uh
it's so storied,
and so it's more an homage
to your-your, like,
your physical being,
not anything racial.
(WHISPERS): Kareem body.
And by the way, I am so down to admit
that, like, looking back,
m-maybe not the best decision, you know?
Uh, you should know I made it,
like, a year and a half ago,
and back then I wasn't a racist,
but I certainly wasn't
nearly as anti-racist as I am today.
With
Um, so, but it was, you know, uh
By the way, this You didn't
say "on the record" ever,
I hope you know.
So none of this is, uh, permissible.
(COUGHS, BURPS) There are
sanctions.
- I would hate to
- Strictly speaking,
unless someone says it's off the record,
it's on the record.
Can I say something
off the record real quick?
Yeah.
I'm high.
Uh, I didn't know
that this was, like, gonna be
this at all, and I kind of, like,
you know, mentally treated this
like going to, like, a IMAX
or, like I was so excited.
And I'm working on that,
having to smoke for joy.
I would never even call it a shtick.
I'm just saying
There's a lot more,
uh, of-of a conversation to be had
Around acne right now
Tons of nuance to this whole thing.
I used to read the Harry Potter books.
Never watched a documentary.
Have you ever heard of Babylon?
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Tomorrow. What are you doing?
'Cause maybe we spend the day together,
and I'll show you the real me,
and you can write, like,
a full-on profile on me.
No one's ever done that.
Uh, if you're available.
Okay. You know, I was
just gonna write a blurb on you
about my name in-in your song.
- Oh.
- But, uh,
if you want to do a deep dive,
that's fine.
That'll give me a chance to dig deeper.
Cool.
That's great.
Hope you like Jews.
I'm saying, I just don't get it. I
Like, you eat sugar, like,
for every single meal
and you weigh, like, 125 pounds.
- Just And you're cut.
- Right. Uh-huh.
You have an eight-pack. It's gross.
I have a one-pack
for the rest of my life.
That's true. What the fuck?!
Be careful, man. There's eggs in there.
You ain't gonna believe this, bro.
I got a audition
for Rhythm and Flow, dawg.
Are they rebooting a Terrence
Howard pimp movie?
This has nothing to do with pimpin',
simpin' and limpin', bro.
- "Pimpin', simpin' and limpin'"?
- This is way bigger than that.
Ten times bigger than that.
This is American Idol
for rappers, dawg.
Like, you don't understand
how big this is for me.
Honestly, I'm proud of you, man.
That's
God's at work, huh?
Bro, don't bring God in this.
I'm blessed.
Right. Right.
Hey, remember.
I'm gonna be on Rhythm and Flow.
You're gonna be on Rhythm
and Flow. I've got it locked in.
- (KNOB RATTLING)
- Oh, Gata, Gata,
the-the knob is broken. I got
to get it fixed today, so
Man, don't worry about it, Mike.
I got a migo at the car shop.
I'm-a get it fixed.
He got all the tools.
(DOOR OPENS FORCEFULLY) -Whoo!
Wonderful. Perfect.
DAVE: That's fine.
That's okay.
That's fine. Oh, here's one.
"If being attracted
to 17-year-old girls is illegal,
then send me straight to Azkaban."
Wh Delete that. Oh, my God.
- You tweeted that at some point?
- I'm just saying,
like, you can tell when
a 17-year-old girl is, like,
- destined to be hot.
- Blah, blah, blah.
- Don't. No.
- What does that even mean?
Mike, how the fuck do you send me
to this guy's house, high,
having no idea it's a fucking interview?
We can have
a deeper conversation about that
at another time, because
I myself am very high now.
I just need to show this guy
that I'm a good person.
- Nah.
- You could just be a good person.
- (LAUGHS)
- I am a good person.
What do you mean?
Of course I'm a good person.
He's just not around me enough
to, like, understand
my added value, socially.
Did you really tweet
"Can nonbinary people fuck themselves?"
Yeah. It's a brilliant tweet.
What's wrong with that tweet?
Do you even know what "nonbinary" means?
I understand what it means.
Like, they can fuck them
Like, if you don't understand,
I don't know what to tell you.
And it's brilliant.
And I'm a good person.
But I will delete it,
because I'm being scrutinized
by a seven-foot-three man made of silk.
I don't know how I'm gonna spend
an entire day with Kareem
without saying something crazy.
It's not possible.
I don't know how you'll last
an hour, to be honest.
- That's what I'm saying.
- No. You guys, shut up.
You've won the hearts of many people
that should have hated you
so many times.
Like who?
I'm sorry. I'm very high.
I was rambling.
But-but this is gonna be
a good press opportunity.
I'm gonna get fucking crucified.
Hey.
Hey, Dave. What's up?
Just, uh, enjoying
the, uh the weather.
The climate is, uh
Awesome out here, isn't it?
- Surviving today. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Although, obviously,
politically and, um,
meteorologically, it's
been a challenge.
And will continue to be a challenge.
Thank you for meeting me here.
Not a problem.
- Let me get, uh - (BEEP)
- On the record.
- Yes. We're on the record.
- Yes.
- Okay.
- That's how it has to be.
That's okay.
Okay. So, look, Dave,
hip-hop is a very crowded space
these days.
Yeah.
What do you bring to the table?
Great question.
Uh, I
am me.
You know? I'm, like, my
unapologetic self at all times,
and I think that's very clear
when you listen to my music,
that I'm very authentic.
Well, you know,
you speak with a blaccent
in your music,
but you don't sound anything
like that right now.
I'm unfamiliar with the phrase
"blaccent." Um
I'm not offended by it.
I'm just I'm, um
I just think that,
if I was, like, really rapping
exactly how I'm talking,
I'd be the only one
that sounded that way,
and it'd look like I was, like,
you know, making fun of everyone
else in the rap community,
being like, "Here's how I rap,
and I'm going to get a java."
So let me get this straight.
You're more concerned
with offending the hip-hop community
than you are the general public?
No.
I like, uh I'm very cause al.
I'm very causal.
I
GH, for example.
GH?
Genital herpes.
Um, 'cause I'm trying
to destigmatize it.
There's a there's a huge stigma.
One in six people have it, and
it's like people act like,
if you have it,
it's the worst thing ever.
And we don't hook up with people
and we make 'em feel like lepers.
It's like chicken pox.
Do we, like, go up to kids
who have chicken pox
and say, "Get out of here,
I'm not gonna suck you."
Uh, I'm very
advocate
of all things.
My mom sends me, like, a summary
of, like, the current events,
because, like, CNN.com,
the format is just unbearable.
I don't know
how people read that website.
Like, get better art direction.
And "wifebeater,"
what an antiquated phrase that is.
It's like calling
a-a sweatshirt a rapist, no?
- (SHUTS OFF ENGINE)
- (GRUNTS)
Goddamn it.
- I'm sorry about that, Kareem.
- My God.
I would've ordered us a bigger car,
but, until Uber's unionized,
I can't even consider something
like that. Drives me nuts.
You know, I'm
It's claustrophobic, man.
I don't like being in a place
where it's too small. You know?
I hear you. Completely.
Maybe, on the way back,
you could, like,
lie flat across the back.
I don't know if the windows
being cracked helps or
Uh, hey,
would you mind giving me a hand?
- What?
- Yeah. Just I just
(GRUNTS): Yeah. I know we were
in the middle or something,
but
just something I've been doing lately
in terms of raising, uh,
funds and money for the community.
If you want to roll in there, we
could, uh, surprise these kids.
No, actually, I-I have some,
uh, phone calls I have to make.
You don't want to come in?
I really got to make
these calls. You know
Okay. If you're worried
about them swarming you,
they're more
of an Anthony Davis community.
Hi, Melanie. How you doing?
DAVE: All right.
KAREEM: Yeah.
- Exactly.
- I'll be back in a few minutes.
I wonder what your thoughts are on that.
ALLY: And I know fundraising
is never easy,
but we live in L. A.!
And while that has its quirks, uh,
it also has tons of wealthy people.
- (CHUCKLING)
- Right?
But, seriously, if anybody you know
who works in the arts or in music
Hello, everybody ♪
Here comes the man ♪
With the funding in his hand ♪
(WEAKLY): For the arts
program, art ♪
- Arts?
- Uh (CHUCKLES)
Uh, let's get in on that pizza,
- everybody!
- Where are the kids?
- What are you doing here?
- Hi.
There's pizza? Is there
buffalo chicken pizza here?
I don't think, like,
a bank will accept one of these,
so I do have a very legitimate,
real check right here.
- There you go.
- I
Dave, I can't accept that. I'm not
- This whole thing
- What? It's my pleasure.
- It's
- For the kids.
For the kids.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
I've actually left out
the most important detail.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is outside
right now, in my car.
He's writing a profile on me.
If I brought him in,
I'm pretty sure
that everyone's pockets would
So this is You're doing this
because someone is writing
an article about you?
- That makes sense.
- No. I-I'm doing it for you.
No, I-I didn't ask for this.
I'm-I'm unhappy that you did this.
All I was trying to do is show
a supportive gesture of friendship.
Dave, the other night,
when you came over,
that-that was the first time
we've seen each other in four months.
Like, I would not qualify us as friends.
- We should be.
- Oh!
We should be friends.
I don't understand.
How long are we gonna not talk, forever?
Can't we just not f-fuck
and, like (STAMMERS)
- and, like, matter to each other?
- Dave, if you took sex
out of our relationship,
it doesn't just become
friendship all of a sudden.
Okay? It would be me
being your human
emotional support animal.
I didn't realize sex was so impactful
- in terms of I'm just kidding.
- Oh, my God.
Okay, Al, I did not mean to have
this conversation right now.
Like, I didn't mean
to do this at your work.
I am sorry for that.
What if you came over after work
- and we just, like, talked about ever
- No. No.
We're not gonna talk
because you want to talk.
This is all of the same shit
all over again.
You're so self-centered, still.
(STAMMERS) This is exactly why,
even when I when I loved you,
I did not like you.
Uh 'kay.
Noted.
(DOOR CREAKS)
- (BIRDS CHIRPING)
- (THUMPING)
(SIGHS)
Hey, what's up, y'all?
- (EXHALES)
- Davionte Ganter?
Damn. Yeah. That's me.
All right. (CLEARS THROAT)
Welcome to the Rhythm
and Flow auditions.
We're just gonna get you on tape
for the judges.
All right, look. Check this out. Look.
Hey, yo, I'm far from good,
I'm more close to perfect ♪
They around the corner
and I'm around the Earth ♪
- Kid ♪
- Great. Great.
As you know, R&F is filmed in front
of a live studio audience.
So the audition process
is a little different.
All right.
MAN 2: We're gonna
give you a couple words,
and we just want you
to freestyle for us.
Like free All right, freestyle.
- MAN 1: Yeah, you know.
- All right, cool.
Gluten free.
All right. (CLEARS THROAT)
My guy Gluten just got out, he free ♪
What does he really need from me? ♪
Uh probably some advice ♪
To live life ♪
Everybody want to know me ♪
- N-Next topic. Android.
- Uh
Android. All right.
My guy Android just got out ♪
Hopefully, he can get a job ♪
He working on a plan ♪
To change his life ♪
'Cause he trying to ♪
Damn.
Y'all got me making
using words that don't even
fit my, uh my profile.
Man, I don't even look like I'll
even use these words, but
- Y'all got another word, man?
- (LAUGHS)
Got eem!
- Oh, bro. - Oh, man.
- Hold on. What the fuck?!
- Bro, you got pranked so hard.
- Gata,
- come on, dude.
- Wait. This is y'all two?
How are you so bad
at freestyling, though?
I mean, you said you really do this.
Y'all think I'm a fucking joke?
- Bro, it's gonna get views, man.
- It's a prank. It was never meant
Fucking views, nigga.
What about my emotions, nigga?
- Bro, I swear
- Man, fuck all that, bro.
- Bro, chill out, bro.
- Just chill out.
- Hey. Shit, dude.
- (GROANS)
- (GROANING)
- CODY: It's funny, bro.
BRODY: It's just a prank.
GATA: Hey, prank these nuts, nigga.
CODY: It's a prank.
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Waste of my fucking time.
(SIGHS)
Okay. Um, just a couple more questions.
Sure.
Are you okay?
Just write whatever you want about me.
I-I can't be this person for that,
and that person for this person. It's
I am who I am, so
just call it how you see it.
Do you think you're a good person?
Honestly, my biggest fear is
that I'm not.
You know, I have this constant vision
where I'm dead,
and I'm, like, floating up
to heaven or whatever,
and I get there, and God's
laughing at me, and he's like,
"Is that what you thought
the whole point of life was?"
Because I know
that I'm so singularly focused
on this
chasing my legacy type of thing
and being this great artist
and all that, but it's, like,
obviously, that's not, like,
what life is about.
But at the same time,
if I don't give my all into
being that, I'll never be that,
and I'll never figure out my album.
And I also see these DMs
from kids, and they're like,
"Hey, Lil Dicky, I'm depressed,
and when I listen to
your music, I'm a little less,
and, like, thank you for that."
And, like, that really happens,
and that's what
the point of life is, right,
to, like, do good.
And I feel like the bigger I get,
the more good I can do,
so, it's, like, by my logic,
the way that I can do
the most good on Earth is
by becoming the biggest artist
in the world, you know?
Like, so I have to be selfish.
It's my destiny or whatever.
(LAUGHS)
Dave,
that's the most creative excuse
for being narcissistic
I've ever heard.
That's pretty good, though. (LAUGHS)
Thanks. Well, I'm happy
you liked it. Uh
You're funny, boy, I'll tell you that.
I appreciate that.
I got to use the restroom. Where?
It's over there.
(DOOR OPENS)
- (SIGHS)
- (DOOR CLOSES)
(DOOR BANGS OPEN)
Mike, where the fuck you at, bro?
Mike, you got some explaining
to do, motherfucker!
- Whoa. Hey.
- Mike, where you at?
Mike, you red-headed pussy,
where the fuck you at?
- Mike? Mike, where you at, bro?
- Gata.
- Gata. Chill.
- Man, you fucking played me, dog.
- Shh. Kareem is here.
- How you gonna do me like that, bro?
- We supposed to be boys, man.
- Relax. Relax. Relax.
- How you gonna prank me like that, bro?
- Kareem is here.
- Chill out. Gata, relax.
- Come on. I trusted you, bro.
- Waste of my fucking time.
- Gata, I had no idea that
- MIKE: Gata.
- GATA: Biggest chance to fame, bro.
DAVE: Gata, stop.
MIKE: I didn't know they
were gonna prank you.
Hey, Dave?
Is there something wrong with your door?
(INDISTINCT, OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
Hey, Dave, come on, man!
I don't like being
in a small space like this!
- Stop. Stop.
- Man, fuck all that, bro.
This nigga's a buster, nigga.
- Relax. Relax. I had no idea.
- Stop.
- I'm just their manager.
- Stop. Stop.
- They don't tell me anything.
- You're just whose manager?
You didn't even tell him.
No, I didn't, 'cause
I didn't have a chance to.
I-I'm They're just
TikTok stars, and a
- He got a new client, bro.
- It's a side project.
It's not like
you're making music anyway.
It's not gonna impact
our business at all.
What do you mean, it's not gonna
affect our business?
Maybe if you weren't on TikTok,
I would have known
Kareem was a fucking journal
(LOUD KNOCKING)
Is that door not fixed?
First of all, Gata said he could
fix the door. I asked him
Hey, Kareem,
you having trouble in there?
KAREEM: What's going on with the door?
Yeah, it's this, uh, knob thing.
KAREEM: Well, does it open or what?
DAVE: Try twisting it.
Let me out of here, man!
(INDISTINCT, OVERLAPPING SHOUTING)
- Kareem, don't worry about it.
- You're the one that said
How the fuck did you not fix this door?
He said he knew someone that
could fix the fucking door!
Kareem, I'm just gonna ram
in there, okay,
so back up, Kareem.
I asked one person
to fix the fucking door.
All of that is just
goddamn bullshit, bro.
- GATA: Come on, man.
- Let me out.
GATA: A real man ain't gonna walk away.
- Stay in here and talk about this shit.
- No, dude.
When you say you're gonna
do something
You're the one that said you're
gonna fix the fucking door.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- Hey, hey. What is going on?
- Go put that fucking knife down, bro.
Hey, Ally.
- What the fuck is happening?
- Back up.
Kareem, I have a knife, and
- I'm gonna jimmy the door.
- No! No! - (SHOUTING)
Stop! You're gonna hurt him! Stop!
No. My machine! My machine!
ALLY: Oh.
- (KAREEM GROANING)
- Uh
- Oh, God! (GROANS)
- (DAVE WHIMPERS)
- (GROANS, INHALES SHARPLY)
- Oh, God. Ugh.
- KAREEM: Ow! (GROANS)
- Oh, my God.
Oh.
It's okay. We're gonna call
the ambulance. Uh
- DAVE: Kicked in
- MIKE: The pressure from the door
it snapped open,
- and then there was blood.
- Was blood.
- A lot of blood.
- Uh, uh
I-I don't know if he'll, like (SIGHS)
MIKE: There's no way he's gonna die.
Right? There's no way he gonna die.
- (PHONE CHIMES REPEATEDLY)
- BRODY: Yo, we got Gata.
- Fuck.
- We got our boy Gata in here.
We got a good prank for you guys.
- Yeah, bro. Yeah, bro.
- Swipe up.
- Swipe up and watch this.
- Comment down below.
- How good did we get him?
- What the hell?
These followers crazy, bro.
This shit nuts, boy.
Damn.
Hey, y'all, swipe up on this video, man.
I just got pranked by The Stone Twins.
Make sure y'all tap in,
swipe up, share the video.
(GARBLED RADIO TRANSMISSION)
Hi. Uh
You forgot to sign the check, so
Oh. Okay. Sorry.
How do I even?
So tricky when it's not a big
Oh. Thank you.
I will avoid your wound.
- (CLEARS THROAT)
- So,
you're still just as mad at me?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
But it's not just that.
I'm (SIGHS)
I really wasn't ready
to see you the other night,
so I am upset at myself
for letting you in,
but that's my
Are you-you?
- You're done, right?
- Oh, yeah. Sorry.
I was just intensely listening to
Here you go.
But that's my stuff,
and I-I took it out on you,
and I was mean, and I'm sorry for that.
Totally forgiven. Don't even
But you can't ambush me like that.
- No, I can't.
- Like, the other day or today.
- Like
- I agree. I'm sorry. That was
I really am sorry.
'Cause, listen,
if we're gonna be friends, it
it's not gonna be this
only-on-Dave's-terms thing.
- No, throw that
- Okay?
- It's a new
- New regime.
- New regime.
- You're the queen of that regime.
- Yeah.
- I will do whatever you say, honestly,
- to make this friendship work.
- Dave, this is $5,000.
Oh, yeah. I tweaked the check.
(LAUGHING): Are you trying
to buy my friendship?
Yeah, I was, and it worked.
- You know, it's for the kids, so
- Thank you.
- Happy to
- No. Seriously.
Hey, I'm just gonna
deal with this real quick.
- Yeah. Is he gonna be okay?
- Yeah. I don't know.
I thought he was made of silk,
but it's more like uncooked pasta.
- (KAREEM GROANS SOFTLY)
- Okay.
- ALLY: Ugh.
- Guys need a hand?
No?
(GROANS)
Kareem, I am so sorry
that this happened.
I know the article's
the last thing on your mind,
but if you need me to
Hey, I'm not writing an article.
No?
You are not.
I'm not?
Hey, man, get-get me out of here.
Get me out of here, man.
I'm not
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(ENGINE STARTS)
- No article.
- (SIREN TOOTS)
- I Kareem Abdul ♪
- Hey ♪
- Kareem Abdul-Jabbar ♪
- Bar ♪
These hooks got me scorin',
see me comin' from afar ♪
- Hey, ooh ♪
- Kareem Abdul ♪
- Ooh, ah ♪
- Kareem Abdul-Jabbar ♪
- Ker, ker ♪
- This is my lane ♪
Let me show you how to ball ♪
I don't got to fake no shit,
I just got a text from Quavo ♪
- I was elated, ecstatic ♪
- It's Quavo ♪
I've never done anal,
that's unrelated ♪
Everything I do debated
and hated, disputed ♪
Viewed in America,
I walk a benny where I cause hysteria ♪
I was in Paris,
they thought I was Spanish ♪
I still ate the pussy
like cervical cancer ♪
I remember when I couldn't
jerk off to threesomes ♪
'Cause it felt too unrealistic ♪
No longer the case,
I'm in the Oculus doing it ♪
Not in real life, but guys like me ♪
Get to having my thing, right,
I'll wait and see ♪
In and out with the bag
like I'm making their tea ♪
These girls kiss and tell
when they're kissing on me ♪
- Oh, my God ♪
- What is his dick like? ♪
What is his breath like?
What are his soaps like? ♪
What is his stroke like? ♪
What is his acne on the back?
Is it real? ♪
- Is it really that cystic? ♪
- Yes ♪
Had another ask me for tickets ♪
Like I deal with logistics,
like I'm not artistic ♪