Derry Girls (2017) s02e04 Episode Script
The Curse
1 ORGAN STARTS TO PLAY MUSIC: Here Comes The Bride Jesus! But that taxi took forever, so it did.
Oh! Isn't she gorgeous? Give me strength.
I am the one and only! Everyone's looking at us! Do you think it's your hat? What? It is a bit much, Mary.
I did try to tell you.
My hat's a bit much? Really? You should be ashamed of yourself.
What in under Christ have you done now? I don't think she was talking to me, Joe.
I think she was talking to the person in the full-length white frock who just managed to upstage the actual bride.
Och, I wouldn't say I upstaged her now, Gerry.
It's so mortifying.
Well, take it off then, Mary.
What? The hat.
Ah, shite.
There you are.
He's spied us.
Run, girls.
Save yourselves.
John over there was just saying You know John? Lovely fella.
Married to, er, Patricia, I think it is, and her mother worked in the credit union, you might remember.
Absolutely crippled with the old gallstones, so she was.
Christ Almighty.
And the gallstones Well, now, they're no joke.
A neighbour of mine, Dickie Dunnagan, by God, he was tortured with the gallstones.
The size of golf balls they were.
And what did John say, Colm? For the love of God, what did he say? He was telling me there, John was, that every being in the place is talking about Sarah's frock.
Och, really? Jesus, but this is an ordeal.
Well, at least they got a good day for it, Mary.
I'll tell you, I was at one there, up in the Cathedral last week.
By God, the wind could have cut you in two.
Fierce it was, and now I don't mind a bit of a breeze.
If anything, I prefer it.
But thon was aggressive.
And I says to myself, says I, "Colm, this is no day for a do.
" And as it turns out Can I just stop you there, Colm? Surely, Mary.
Go ahead.
Oh, no, I've got nothing to say.
I just really, really need you to stop talking.
Fair enough.
Herself's over there.
Circling the drinks table.
Bitter old bat.
Da It's one glass per head.
She has already necked the guts of four bottles.
Da! Though it'll hardly touch the sides.
Tolerance of a rhino.
Stop it, OK? Bridie's still our aunt.
She's still Mammy's sister.
And if Mammy was alive Your mother couldn't stick her! Sh! She's coming over.
Auntie Bridie, great to see you! Well, you should be proud of yourself.
Och, thanks very much.
All right, Bridie.
Are you well? Nope.
No, I'm not, actually.
Not that you give a shit.
Mammy hasn't been keeping the best lately, Joe.
I was a bit worried about her for a while.
I wouldn't upset yourself too much, son.
Sure a bullet couldn't take your mother out.
Isn't that right, Bridie? Still a prick I see, Joe.
Christ knows what our Marie ever saw in you, God rest her soul.
Yous must still miss her terribly, girls.
We do indeed.
Isn't it a crying shame neither of you got her looks? OK.
So, Eamonn! Any craic with you? Are you seeing anyone? Should I maybe buy myself another hat? You should definitely buy yourself another hat, Mary.
That thing does nothing for you.
I'm not seeing anyone.
Plenty of time, I suppose.
Eamonn'll never marry.
Is that a feeling, Bridie, or an instruction? Och, it's a great wee day so far, isn't it? Beam me up.
MUSIC PLAYS: I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred Thank God! Motherfuckers! How's it been? Boring.
Brilliant.
Erin! Orla! Aw, for Christ's sake! I said you could invite one friend to the reception! One! Och, Mummy, they don't come separately.
Aye, we're pack animals, Mary.
I love your hat, Mrs Quinn.
Thanks, son.
Dickhead.
Well, no old carry-on.
Do you hear me? We're in enough bother as it is.
Best behaviour.
Completely! You'll have no trouble from us, Mary.
OK, girls, who wants to do drugs? Me.
I'm sorry? Nothing heavy, just a bit of blow.
And where are you planning on getting a bit of blow from, Michelle? Right, well, you know Macca? I can't say I do.
Aye, Macca.
Big Macca.
Come on! Everybody knows Macca.
We don't.
Wise up! Macca? Macca.
Macca.
Macca! That's not helping, Michelle! Macca.
Tall fella, dark hair, wonky nose from when he used to do the bare-knuckle boxing.
Look, he's loads of tattoos, big scar under his left eye.
He was kicked out of Creggan for joyriding! Well, he sounds delightful! He really does.
He said he can hook us up.
Class or what? I'm not sure.
Well, I am.
It's not happening.
Drugs are for mugs, folks! Congratulations, Clare.
That may be the dickiest sentence that anyone's ever said.
Come on, Michelle, what makes you think you can trust this Macca person? Well, he's not English for a start, so James has a point.
No, he doesn't! What if he gives us dodgy gear? Dodgy gear?! What is this, The Bill?! I cannot believe you're even discussing it.
Let's live a little, for fuck's sake! I want no part of this.
And if you guys do decide to go through with it, then, I'm sorry, but any friendship we have is over.
MUSIC PLAYS: Rock The Boat by Hues Corporation Rock The Boat! IT'S ROCK THE BOAT! Happy fucking days! Quick! Yes! Bagsy the front! BAGSY THE FRONT! # So, I'd like to know where you got the notion # So, I'd like to know where you got the notion # To rock the boat # Don't rock the boat, baby # Rock the boat # Don't tip the boat over # Rock the boat # Don't rock the boat, baby Rock the bo-o-oat You're such a wreck-a-buzz, Clare.
Look, Michelle, drugs are illegal, drugs are addictive, but perhaps most importantly, in this country you can lose your kneecaps if you're caught doing them.
And I like my kneecaps, Michelle.
They suit my knees.
You do have cracking kneecaps, Clare.
Is that true? Sort of.
Our love is like a ship on the oce-e-an Oh, God! What is it? He's got someone.
Should we save the poor fella? No chance.
Och, Daddy, he's only young.
I don't care! When it comes to our Colm, it's every man for himself.
# I'd like to know where you got the notion # To rock the boat # Don't rock the boat, baby Rock the boat I would like a word.
It's fine, Mammy.
Indeed it is not fine.
Something troubling you, Bridie? Aye, you could say that.
My Eamonn has been waiting all night for this song.
For Rock The Boat? Really? But your girls pushed him out of the line, and now he has a bruise.
Show them the bruise, Eamonn.
I bruise quite easily.
That's not the point! Right.
I see.
Well, I'm sorry about that, Eamonn.
Is that all you have to say? I'm not sure what else there is to say, Bridie.
Except, maybe, our girls are 16, and Eamonn's a 50-year-old man.
Look, it's a rough routine, Bridie.
You know that going in.
You sit down on that floor at your own risk.
You are seriously not going to pull them up about this? No, Bridie.
We're not.
It's Rock The Boat.
Well, that certainly explains a few things.
What's that supposed to mean? It means that a bit of discipline would do those girls no harm.
They have been running about all day like a couple of wild animals.
OK, that'll do, Bridie.
Then the apple never did fall far from the tree.
Mammy, please.
Yous girls never did know how to conduct yourselves.
Nothing but a pair of hallions.
Come on now, Bridie, that's enough of that.
What, do they need you to defend them? You big pair of knickers.
It wasn't my poor sister's fault.
She tried her best with both of you, but you're your father's daughters, all right.
I'd rein it in, now, if I were you.
I really think you were a disappointment to her, you know? Now, hold on a goddamn minute! Daddy, you will not dignify that with a response.
And I'll tell you something else.
If your mother saw thon hat, she'd be turning in her grave for it's nothing but a bloody eyesore.
Och, drop dead, you spiteful old hag! Rock the boat, rock the boat, rock the boat, rock the boat Catch yourself on Rock the boat, rock the boat, rock the boat I just cannot believe it.
Listen, Mary, no matter what you've done you're still my sister.
I'll stand by you.
I haven't done anything, Sarah.
Exactly, love.
Everybody knows you didn't mean to kill the old boot.
God rest her soul.
I didn't kill her! Och, you know what I mean, not kill .
.
hex.
I didn't hex her either, Da! It was just a very tragic My mother, she had the gift too, you know.
By God, that woman could make her enemies drop like flies.
Look, I don't have any gift.
There's no dark forces at play here.
I just said something unfortunate that happened to Cause her death? .
.
coincide with her death.
Right, well, that's the dishes done.
Would you like another cup of tea there, Mammy? No, I'm fine.
I'll just grab the Hoover and give the stairs a bit of a going over.
And I'll maybe do a bit of dusting.
What's got into you two? What are you up to? What do you want? Nothing, we just thought that we should pull our weight a bit more, Mammy.
You do so much for us, Aunt Mary.
You deserve a bit of a break.
I can't hex people, girls.
It was an accident.
So how's the wicked witch of the north west? Who put 50p in the eejit? God, how am I going to go to this wake? It'll be grand, love.
But, listen, see if things do get heated? Try not to rise to it.
The last thing we want is another dead body on our hands here.
I'll do my best, Da.
# Back once again for the renegade master # D4 damage, with the ill behaviour Back once again for the renegade master.
So good of you to come.
God, this is a big turnout.
Well, Mammy was just so well liked.
Right.
Really? I suppose because she was the life and soul, wasn't she? Full of the joys, always laughing.
We're talking about Bridie here, aren't we? Yes, Da.
Look, Mary, there's something I need to say.
Is this about the curse, Eamonn? Sorry? Because Mary's saying she didn't do it and that's good enough for us.
That's the truth, Eamonn! I wouldn't know where to start with all that carry-on! No, Mary, no, I was just gonna say that my poor mother, God bless her and keep her Amen.
.
.
well, she didn't mean what she said at the wedding.
Please, you don't need to explain.
You were worried I'd think you'd put a curse on her? Well That's hilarious.
Aye.
I mean, obviously, a curse was my first thought.
But I looked into it and Mammy's death, it doesn't meet the official requirements.
So, you're completely in the clear on that front, Mary.
Nothing to worry about at all.
Great.
We've brought some bits.
Should we just leave them here? Genius.
Sister! How are you? Well, I'm at a wake, Mr Quinn, so I've had better evenings.
Did you know Bridie, then? No.
But I believe your wife put some sort of a curse on her.
Well, no, not exactly.
You're not a tongue person, are you? I'm sorry? I'm on communion duty.
Christ, but I cannot stand the tongue people! I mean, what's all that about? You can't lift a wafer into your own mouth? You need me to do it for you? Right, yeah, that that must be tough.
Father Thomas usually deals with the wakes but he's very sick at the minute.
Bedridden, in fact.
God! What caused it? Jack Danielsmostly.
I see.
I'll take them.
Lovely stuff.
I need six rounds of cheese and ham, four rounds of egg and cress and three rounds of tuna.
Cut the cheese and ham in triangles, the egg and cress in rectangles and the tuna .
.
well, you can freestyle.
I'd get buttering if I were you.
Grand, so She really suits being dead, doesn't she? What? Can we come in? Why are you whispering? I don't know.
Thanks for coming, guys.
It's nice to have a bit of support at this very difficult time.
You thought she was a dick.
I never said that! You did, Erin.
Aye, I definitely heard you say it! OK, can I just check something? Everybody else can see the dead body, right? It's just Bridie! It's Bridie's corpse.
It's Bridie's dead corpse.
It's her wake.
What were you expecting? Haven't you ever seen a dead body before? Of course not! Christ, but the English are weird.
You can touch her if you want? Why the hell would I want to touch her?! It's nice.
Stop it! It's just a dead body, James.
We're all going to be one someday.
Oh, thanks for that, Clare.
Yeah, that's helped.
It really makes you think, doesn't it? Death.
It just It makes you want to do everything and just, like, try everything.
What's going on, Michelle? Do yous wanna see something class? What is it? Prepare yourself, girls.
Scones.
That's right.
What's so class about scones? Scones are lovely.
Aye, I like scones! These aren't any old scones, girls.
These are funny scones.
Aye, they do look like good craic, in fairness.
Funny scones? They're drug scones! She's put the drugs in the scones! Too fucking right I have! I wanted to do brownies but this was the only recipe my Ma had, so We talked about this, Michelle.
We agreed.
No, we didn't.
Anyway, drugs aren't illegal when you put them in food.
Everybody knows that.
Is that right? I'm not sure that's right.
Any cups up here? I'll take that.
What the fuck just happened?! Three cheese and tomato on brown bread.
Brown, right, got it.
Four salad on white.
Salad, white.
Hang on! Are they rectangles or triangles?! Two with no onion.
We're low on vol-au-vents, Gerry! Here, that quiche isn't cooked, Gerry! Sweet suffering Jesus And, now, I don't mind a bit of a breeze, if anything I prefer it, but thon was aggressive.
So, I says to myself, says I, "Colm, this is no day for a do" What's happening? .
.
for, when the bride arrived and, as I say, by this stage the wind was fierce Am I dead? .
.
I've never heard wind like it.
Is this my wake? Howling like a banshee, it was.
Am I in hell? So, the poor girl, the bride now, this is, she arrives anyway and isn't she no sooner out of the car than she's lifted up in the air like a paper doll and blown into a flowerbed.
That's actually quite funny.
What are we gonna do?! What in under God are we gonna do?! It's fine.
It's definitely not fine! There's drug scones down there! If people eat the drug scones then we'll have drugged those people, Michelle! So? Drugging people isn't a crime.
You've a very loose grasp of the law, Michelle.
What kind of person brings hash scones to a wake? Typical.
I try and do a nice thing and this is the thanks I get.
It's terrible.
There's old people down there.
What if an old person takes one? Why does everybody get so sentimental about old people?! Old people are arseholes! We have to get them back.
Look, I'm not disagreeing with you.
I bought that stuff so I could get high, not your Great-Uncle Colm.
Christ, can you imagine? Hold on a minute! Where did the scones go? OK.
I'll head for the kitchen and grab whatever's still there.
The rest of you look out for any ones that have gone rogue.
And remember .
.
be subtle.
I need to take your scone.
The thing, is I just have so many questions about God, about life after death.
Go away, please.
And I try to silence my doubts, I really do, but lately I don't believe it.
Why? I'm not allowed to say.
OK.
What's wrong, Sister? Are these cinnamon? Do you like cinnamon? I can't be doing with cinnamon.
Then that's what they are! Absolutely! 100%! Where are my scallions?! How do you make a salad sandwich if you don't have scallions?! I asked for them ten minutes ago! Come on, now, people! Let's get it together, please! And there's a multipack of Taytos still waiting to be bowled up! No cross contamination this time.
I want cheese and onion in one bowl, salt and vinegar in another! It is not that difficult, folks! Listen here, you.
Yes, Joe? I just want to say .
.
I think you're doing a fine job.
Keep up the good work.
A TIMER DINGS After all was said and done, she wasn't a bad old soul.
I was actually quite fond of her, you know.
And I really hope she's up there now, looking down on us both, thinking What in under Christ?! Aye, me too, Mary.
No, Sarah! Look! The earrings! Look at the earrings! God, aye.
I wouldn't have put a drop on her, now, she doesn't have enough neck.
She would've been better with a stud.
They're Mammy's.
She's wearing Mammy's earrings! So they are! How did she get them?! Probably swooped in like a vulture before Mammy drew her last breath.
And now the old bitch .
.
is getting buried in them! Has the woman no shame?! Earrings like that don't deserve to be buried alive! It's a sin! She is doing this to spite us, you know.
What should we do? I don't know.
We could replace them with exact replicas.
Right.
We don't have exact replicas is the thing, though! That's true enough, Mary, true enough.
I can't believe we're doing this.
It's fucking heartbreaking.
Look, Granda's had one and now he's acting really, really weird.
You're being paranoid, Erin.
He was nice to Daddy.
Jesus! Exactly.
And if my ma starts asking questions Your ma won't trace it back to us.
Are you for real? She traces everything back to us! She traces things we haven't even done back to us! Are you sure this'll work? This is how you get rid of drugs, Clare.
I've seen Goodfellas, like, 20 times.
It's not the only way.
I watched this film once about this girl who was trying to hide drugs and what she did was she shoved them right up her I'm not sticking a scone up my hole, Orla, I'll tell you that for nothing.
OK, I'm gonna flush.
Go for it.
Is it working? Of course it's working.
Is the water rising?! Jesus Christ! Why's the water rising, James? I don't know! The water didn't rise in Goodfellas! Fuck! We've clogged it.
Who has a plunger? I'm afraid I left the house without my plunger tonight, Orla.
Aye, me too.
Nightmare, so it is.
THEY WAIL Hurry up! You mind your own ear, Mary! Don't concern yourself with mine! It won't budge.
What are they, like, glued on or something? Pull harder! I'm pulling as hard as I can! Oh! Got it! Mary, look, this is a bit awkward .
.
but there's been a few complaints from the kitchen .
.
about Gerry.
Och, Eamonn, how are you? What brings you here? Uh, it's my mother's wake.
Oh, God, so it is.
What's going on? We just came in to do a wee decade of the rosary and, sure, didn't Sarah forget her beads.
What am I not? What's in your hand? Sorry? What have you got in your hand? Nothing.
Let me see.
Your other hand.
My other hand? Yes.
God! How did that get there?! Jeepers! Were you stealing Mammy's earrings?! Actually, I think you'll find they were our mother's earrings originally, so What is wrong with you? We were doing her a favour, Eamonn, they're not flattering.
For God's sake, Mary.
First the curse and now this? You said there was no curse! I didn't want to make you angry, Mary! I mean, I'm about to bury my mother, a hex is the last thing I need.
Aw, for Jesus' sake! Urgh, what is that? ARGH! Dear God It looks worse than it is.
My mother was right about you people! Wild animals would have more manners! We didn't have a plunger, Eamonn.
Get out! Get out, now! Not a bad sendoff in the end, I thought.
I'm still devastated about Mammy's earrings, Mary.
We were so close.
Well, they're six feet under now, so unless we dig Bridie up again Maybe that's not such a bad It is a bad idea, Sarah.
It's a very bad idea.
I just want to forget the whole thing.
How's your scoots now, Erin, love? Aye, they're clearing up, I think.
God, it's my worst nightmare, getting caught out in someone else's house like that.
I still don't understand why you had to bring all of your friends in there with you.
I panicked, Daddy.
Can we please stop talking about Erin's scoots? We're about to have our tea.
Oh, I meant to say .
.
I had one of these scones at the wake and, honest to God, I've never tasted anything like it.
So, I bagged us up a couple.
Lovely! Happy days.
Don't mind if I do.
Pass us one, there, would you, Erin?
Oh! Isn't she gorgeous? Give me strength.
I am the one and only! Everyone's looking at us! Do you think it's your hat? What? It is a bit much, Mary.
I did try to tell you.
My hat's a bit much? Really? You should be ashamed of yourself.
What in under Christ have you done now? I don't think she was talking to me, Joe.
I think she was talking to the person in the full-length white frock who just managed to upstage the actual bride.
Och, I wouldn't say I upstaged her now, Gerry.
It's so mortifying.
Well, take it off then, Mary.
What? The hat.
Ah, shite.
There you are.
He's spied us.
Run, girls.
Save yourselves.
John over there was just saying You know John? Lovely fella.
Married to, er, Patricia, I think it is, and her mother worked in the credit union, you might remember.
Absolutely crippled with the old gallstones, so she was.
Christ Almighty.
And the gallstones Well, now, they're no joke.
A neighbour of mine, Dickie Dunnagan, by God, he was tortured with the gallstones.
The size of golf balls they were.
And what did John say, Colm? For the love of God, what did he say? He was telling me there, John was, that every being in the place is talking about Sarah's frock.
Och, really? Jesus, but this is an ordeal.
Well, at least they got a good day for it, Mary.
I'll tell you, I was at one there, up in the Cathedral last week.
By God, the wind could have cut you in two.
Fierce it was, and now I don't mind a bit of a breeze.
If anything, I prefer it.
But thon was aggressive.
And I says to myself, says I, "Colm, this is no day for a do.
" And as it turns out Can I just stop you there, Colm? Surely, Mary.
Go ahead.
Oh, no, I've got nothing to say.
I just really, really need you to stop talking.
Fair enough.
Herself's over there.
Circling the drinks table.
Bitter old bat.
Da It's one glass per head.
She has already necked the guts of four bottles.
Da! Though it'll hardly touch the sides.
Tolerance of a rhino.
Stop it, OK? Bridie's still our aunt.
She's still Mammy's sister.
And if Mammy was alive Your mother couldn't stick her! Sh! She's coming over.
Auntie Bridie, great to see you! Well, you should be proud of yourself.
Och, thanks very much.
All right, Bridie.
Are you well? Nope.
No, I'm not, actually.
Not that you give a shit.
Mammy hasn't been keeping the best lately, Joe.
I was a bit worried about her for a while.
I wouldn't upset yourself too much, son.
Sure a bullet couldn't take your mother out.
Isn't that right, Bridie? Still a prick I see, Joe.
Christ knows what our Marie ever saw in you, God rest her soul.
Yous must still miss her terribly, girls.
We do indeed.
Isn't it a crying shame neither of you got her looks? OK.
So, Eamonn! Any craic with you? Are you seeing anyone? Should I maybe buy myself another hat? You should definitely buy yourself another hat, Mary.
That thing does nothing for you.
I'm not seeing anyone.
Plenty of time, I suppose.
Eamonn'll never marry.
Is that a feeling, Bridie, or an instruction? Och, it's a great wee day so far, isn't it? Beam me up.
MUSIC PLAYS: I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred Thank God! Motherfuckers! How's it been? Boring.
Brilliant.
Erin! Orla! Aw, for Christ's sake! I said you could invite one friend to the reception! One! Och, Mummy, they don't come separately.
Aye, we're pack animals, Mary.
I love your hat, Mrs Quinn.
Thanks, son.
Dickhead.
Well, no old carry-on.
Do you hear me? We're in enough bother as it is.
Best behaviour.
Completely! You'll have no trouble from us, Mary.
OK, girls, who wants to do drugs? Me.
I'm sorry? Nothing heavy, just a bit of blow.
And where are you planning on getting a bit of blow from, Michelle? Right, well, you know Macca? I can't say I do.
Aye, Macca.
Big Macca.
Come on! Everybody knows Macca.
We don't.
Wise up! Macca? Macca.
Macca.
Macca! That's not helping, Michelle! Macca.
Tall fella, dark hair, wonky nose from when he used to do the bare-knuckle boxing.
Look, he's loads of tattoos, big scar under his left eye.
He was kicked out of Creggan for joyriding! Well, he sounds delightful! He really does.
He said he can hook us up.
Class or what? I'm not sure.
Well, I am.
It's not happening.
Drugs are for mugs, folks! Congratulations, Clare.
That may be the dickiest sentence that anyone's ever said.
Come on, Michelle, what makes you think you can trust this Macca person? Well, he's not English for a start, so James has a point.
No, he doesn't! What if he gives us dodgy gear? Dodgy gear?! What is this, The Bill?! I cannot believe you're even discussing it.
Let's live a little, for fuck's sake! I want no part of this.
And if you guys do decide to go through with it, then, I'm sorry, but any friendship we have is over.
MUSIC PLAYS: Rock The Boat by Hues Corporation Rock The Boat! IT'S ROCK THE BOAT! Happy fucking days! Quick! Yes! Bagsy the front! BAGSY THE FRONT! # So, I'd like to know where you got the notion # So, I'd like to know where you got the notion # To rock the boat # Don't rock the boat, baby # Rock the boat # Don't tip the boat over # Rock the boat # Don't rock the boat, baby Rock the bo-o-oat You're such a wreck-a-buzz, Clare.
Look, Michelle, drugs are illegal, drugs are addictive, but perhaps most importantly, in this country you can lose your kneecaps if you're caught doing them.
And I like my kneecaps, Michelle.
They suit my knees.
You do have cracking kneecaps, Clare.
Is that true? Sort of.
Our love is like a ship on the oce-e-an Oh, God! What is it? He's got someone.
Should we save the poor fella? No chance.
Och, Daddy, he's only young.
I don't care! When it comes to our Colm, it's every man for himself.
# I'd like to know where you got the notion # To rock the boat # Don't rock the boat, baby Rock the boat I would like a word.
It's fine, Mammy.
Indeed it is not fine.
Something troubling you, Bridie? Aye, you could say that.
My Eamonn has been waiting all night for this song.
For Rock The Boat? Really? But your girls pushed him out of the line, and now he has a bruise.
Show them the bruise, Eamonn.
I bruise quite easily.
That's not the point! Right.
I see.
Well, I'm sorry about that, Eamonn.
Is that all you have to say? I'm not sure what else there is to say, Bridie.
Except, maybe, our girls are 16, and Eamonn's a 50-year-old man.
Look, it's a rough routine, Bridie.
You know that going in.
You sit down on that floor at your own risk.
You are seriously not going to pull them up about this? No, Bridie.
We're not.
It's Rock The Boat.
Well, that certainly explains a few things.
What's that supposed to mean? It means that a bit of discipline would do those girls no harm.
They have been running about all day like a couple of wild animals.
OK, that'll do, Bridie.
Then the apple never did fall far from the tree.
Mammy, please.
Yous girls never did know how to conduct yourselves.
Nothing but a pair of hallions.
Come on now, Bridie, that's enough of that.
What, do they need you to defend them? You big pair of knickers.
It wasn't my poor sister's fault.
She tried her best with both of you, but you're your father's daughters, all right.
I'd rein it in, now, if I were you.
I really think you were a disappointment to her, you know? Now, hold on a goddamn minute! Daddy, you will not dignify that with a response.
And I'll tell you something else.
If your mother saw thon hat, she'd be turning in her grave for it's nothing but a bloody eyesore.
Och, drop dead, you spiteful old hag! Rock the boat, rock the boat, rock the boat, rock the boat Catch yourself on Rock the boat, rock the boat, rock the boat I just cannot believe it.
Listen, Mary, no matter what you've done you're still my sister.
I'll stand by you.
I haven't done anything, Sarah.
Exactly, love.
Everybody knows you didn't mean to kill the old boot.
God rest her soul.
I didn't kill her! Och, you know what I mean, not kill .
.
hex.
I didn't hex her either, Da! It was just a very tragic My mother, she had the gift too, you know.
By God, that woman could make her enemies drop like flies.
Look, I don't have any gift.
There's no dark forces at play here.
I just said something unfortunate that happened to Cause her death? .
.
coincide with her death.
Right, well, that's the dishes done.
Would you like another cup of tea there, Mammy? No, I'm fine.
I'll just grab the Hoover and give the stairs a bit of a going over.
And I'll maybe do a bit of dusting.
What's got into you two? What are you up to? What do you want? Nothing, we just thought that we should pull our weight a bit more, Mammy.
You do so much for us, Aunt Mary.
You deserve a bit of a break.
I can't hex people, girls.
It was an accident.
So how's the wicked witch of the north west? Who put 50p in the eejit? God, how am I going to go to this wake? It'll be grand, love.
But, listen, see if things do get heated? Try not to rise to it.
The last thing we want is another dead body on our hands here.
I'll do my best, Da.
# Back once again for the renegade master # D4 damage, with the ill behaviour Back once again for the renegade master.
So good of you to come.
God, this is a big turnout.
Well, Mammy was just so well liked.
Right.
Really? I suppose because she was the life and soul, wasn't she? Full of the joys, always laughing.
We're talking about Bridie here, aren't we? Yes, Da.
Look, Mary, there's something I need to say.
Is this about the curse, Eamonn? Sorry? Because Mary's saying she didn't do it and that's good enough for us.
That's the truth, Eamonn! I wouldn't know where to start with all that carry-on! No, Mary, no, I was just gonna say that my poor mother, God bless her and keep her Amen.
.
.
well, she didn't mean what she said at the wedding.
Please, you don't need to explain.
You were worried I'd think you'd put a curse on her? Well That's hilarious.
Aye.
I mean, obviously, a curse was my first thought.
But I looked into it and Mammy's death, it doesn't meet the official requirements.
So, you're completely in the clear on that front, Mary.
Nothing to worry about at all.
Great.
We've brought some bits.
Should we just leave them here? Genius.
Sister! How are you? Well, I'm at a wake, Mr Quinn, so I've had better evenings.
Did you know Bridie, then? No.
But I believe your wife put some sort of a curse on her.
Well, no, not exactly.
You're not a tongue person, are you? I'm sorry? I'm on communion duty.
Christ, but I cannot stand the tongue people! I mean, what's all that about? You can't lift a wafer into your own mouth? You need me to do it for you? Right, yeah, that that must be tough.
Father Thomas usually deals with the wakes but he's very sick at the minute.
Bedridden, in fact.
God! What caused it? Jack Danielsmostly.
I see.
I'll take them.
Lovely stuff.
I need six rounds of cheese and ham, four rounds of egg and cress and three rounds of tuna.
Cut the cheese and ham in triangles, the egg and cress in rectangles and the tuna .
.
well, you can freestyle.
I'd get buttering if I were you.
Grand, so She really suits being dead, doesn't she? What? Can we come in? Why are you whispering? I don't know.
Thanks for coming, guys.
It's nice to have a bit of support at this very difficult time.
You thought she was a dick.
I never said that! You did, Erin.
Aye, I definitely heard you say it! OK, can I just check something? Everybody else can see the dead body, right? It's just Bridie! It's Bridie's corpse.
It's Bridie's dead corpse.
It's her wake.
What were you expecting? Haven't you ever seen a dead body before? Of course not! Christ, but the English are weird.
You can touch her if you want? Why the hell would I want to touch her?! It's nice.
Stop it! It's just a dead body, James.
We're all going to be one someday.
Oh, thanks for that, Clare.
Yeah, that's helped.
It really makes you think, doesn't it? Death.
It just It makes you want to do everything and just, like, try everything.
What's going on, Michelle? Do yous wanna see something class? What is it? Prepare yourself, girls.
Scones.
That's right.
What's so class about scones? Scones are lovely.
Aye, I like scones! These aren't any old scones, girls.
These are funny scones.
Aye, they do look like good craic, in fairness.
Funny scones? They're drug scones! She's put the drugs in the scones! Too fucking right I have! I wanted to do brownies but this was the only recipe my Ma had, so We talked about this, Michelle.
We agreed.
No, we didn't.
Anyway, drugs aren't illegal when you put them in food.
Everybody knows that.
Is that right? I'm not sure that's right.
Any cups up here? I'll take that.
What the fuck just happened?! Three cheese and tomato on brown bread.
Brown, right, got it.
Four salad on white.
Salad, white.
Hang on! Are they rectangles or triangles?! Two with no onion.
We're low on vol-au-vents, Gerry! Here, that quiche isn't cooked, Gerry! Sweet suffering Jesus And, now, I don't mind a bit of a breeze, if anything I prefer it, but thon was aggressive.
So, I says to myself, says I, "Colm, this is no day for a do" What's happening? .
.
for, when the bride arrived and, as I say, by this stage the wind was fierce Am I dead? .
.
I've never heard wind like it.
Is this my wake? Howling like a banshee, it was.
Am I in hell? So, the poor girl, the bride now, this is, she arrives anyway and isn't she no sooner out of the car than she's lifted up in the air like a paper doll and blown into a flowerbed.
That's actually quite funny.
What are we gonna do?! What in under God are we gonna do?! It's fine.
It's definitely not fine! There's drug scones down there! If people eat the drug scones then we'll have drugged those people, Michelle! So? Drugging people isn't a crime.
You've a very loose grasp of the law, Michelle.
What kind of person brings hash scones to a wake? Typical.
I try and do a nice thing and this is the thanks I get.
It's terrible.
There's old people down there.
What if an old person takes one? Why does everybody get so sentimental about old people?! Old people are arseholes! We have to get them back.
Look, I'm not disagreeing with you.
I bought that stuff so I could get high, not your Great-Uncle Colm.
Christ, can you imagine? Hold on a minute! Where did the scones go? OK.
I'll head for the kitchen and grab whatever's still there.
The rest of you look out for any ones that have gone rogue.
And remember .
.
be subtle.
I need to take your scone.
The thing, is I just have so many questions about God, about life after death.
Go away, please.
And I try to silence my doubts, I really do, but lately I don't believe it.
Why? I'm not allowed to say.
OK.
What's wrong, Sister? Are these cinnamon? Do you like cinnamon? I can't be doing with cinnamon.
Then that's what they are! Absolutely! 100%! Where are my scallions?! How do you make a salad sandwich if you don't have scallions?! I asked for them ten minutes ago! Come on, now, people! Let's get it together, please! And there's a multipack of Taytos still waiting to be bowled up! No cross contamination this time.
I want cheese and onion in one bowl, salt and vinegar in another! It is not that difficult, folks! Listen here, you.
Yes, Joe? I just want to say .
.
I think you're doing a fine job.
Keep up the good work.
A TIMER DINGS After all was said and done, she wasn't a bad old soul.
I was actually quite fond of her, you know.
And I really hope she's up there now, looking down on us both, thinking What in under Christ?! Aye, me too, Mary.
No, Sarah! Look! The earrings! Look at the earrings! God, aye.
I wouldn't have put a drop on her, now, she doesn't have enough neck.
She would've been better with a stud.
They're Mammy's.
She's wearing Mammy's earrings! So they are! How did she get them?! Probably swooped in like a vulture before Mammy drew her last breath.
And now the old bitch .
.
is getting buried in them! Has the woman no shame?! Earrings like that don't deserve to be buried alive! It's a sin! She is doing this to spite us, you know.
What should we do? I don't know.
We could replace them with exact replicas.
Right.
We don't have exact replicas is the thing, though! That's true enough, Mary, true enough.
I can't believe we're doing this.
It's fucking heartbreaking.
Look, Granda's had one and now he's acting really, really weird.
You're being paranoid, Erin.
He was nice to Daddy.
Jesus! Exactly.
And if my ma starts asking questions Your ma won't trace it back to us.
Are you for real? She traces everything back to us! She traces things we haven't even done back to us! Are you sure this'll work? This is how you get rid of drugs, Clare.
I've seen Goodfellas, like, 20 times.
It's not the only way.
I watched this film once about this girl who was trying to hide drugs and what she did was she shoved them right up her I'm not sticking a scone up my hole, Orla, I'll tell you that for nothing.
OK, I'm gonna flush.
Go for it.
Is it working? Of course it's working.
Is the water rising?! Jesus Christ! Why's the water rising, James? I don't know! The water didn't rise in Goodfellas! Fuck! We've clogged it.
Who has a plunger? I'm afraid I left the house without my plunger tonight, Orla.
Aye, me too.
Nightmare, so it is.
THEY WAIL Hurry up! You mind your own ear, Mary! Don't concern yourself with mine! It won't budge.
What are they, like, glued on or something? Pull harder! I'm pulling as hard as I can! Oh! Got it! Mary, look, this is a bit awkward .
.
but there's been a few complaints from the kitchen .
.
about Gerry.
Och, Eamonn, how are you? What brings you here? Uh, it's my mother's wake.
Oh, God, so it is.
What's going on? We just came in to do a wee decade of the rosary and, sure, didn't Sarah forget her beads.
What am I not? What's in your hand? Sorry? What have you got in your hand? Nothing.
Let me see.
Your other hand.
My other hand? Yes.
God! How did that get there?! Jeepers! Were you stealing Mammy's earrings?! Actually, I think you'll find they were our mother's earrings originally, so What is wrong with you? We were doing her a favour, Eamonn, they're not flattering.
For God's sake, Mary.
First the curse and now this? You said there was no curse! I didn't want to make you angry, Mary! I mean, I'm about to bury my mother, a hex is the last thing I need.
Aw, for Jesus' sake! Urgh, what is that? ARGH! Dear God It looks worse than it is.
My mother was right about you people! Wild animals would have more manners! We didn't have a plunger, Eamonn.
Get out! Get out, now! Not a bad sendoff in the end, I thought.
I'm still devastated about Mammy's earrings, Mary.
We were so close.
Well, they're six feet under now, so unless we dig Bridie up again Maybe that's not such a bad It is a bad idea, Sarah.
It's a very bad idea.
I just want to forget the whole thing.
How's your scoots now, Erin, love? Aye, they're clearing up, I think.
God, it's my worst nightmare, getting caught out in someone else's house like that.
I still don't understand why you had to bring all of your friends in there with you.
I panicked, Daddy.
Can we please stop talking about Erin's scoots? We're about to have our tea.
Oh, I meant to say .
.
I had one of these scones at the wake and, honest to God, I've never tasted anything like it.
So, I bagged us up a couple.
Lovely! Happy days.
Don't mind if I do.
Pass us one, there, would you, Erin?