Detroiters (2017) s02e04 Episode Script
Trevor
1 [UPBEAT, FUNKY MUSIC.]
This is delicious, Mrs.
Cramblin.
I know it's terrible, honey, but thank you.
No, he said it was delicious.
Oh, Trevor, do you wanna join us for Sunday dinner? [SUCKS TEETH.]
No can do.
Trevor, your mother invited you to sit down.
- Sit down.
- Hey, uh, Jerry, why don't why don't you eat my ass? Rude.
What is he still doing in the house? I thought he moved into the house with, like, 15 of his friends.
It didn't work out.
They turned out all to be backstabbers and liars.
All 15 of them.
They were nasty to him.
- Boy needs a job.
- Jerry.
- He got fired from Le Shish? - My dad got him that job.
It wasn't his fault.
They were nasty to him.
They wouldn't let him choose what time he came in.
So he just didn't show up, is what you're saying? Honestly, he has to sleep in or he'll lose his voice.
Besides, he doesn't have time for a job.
He's very busy with Rochu.
What is Rochu? Rochu is an Ultra Beast Trevor created.
Look at the beautiful pictures he makes.
Mom, don't put that on the fridge! The details are fantastic, Chrissy.
Now, Rochu is the king of the Banglo people.
And he defeated Malgor in the Battle of Light.
- Oh.
- He's a Lich Priest.
Uh is that how you say it, Jerry? Am I Lich Lich Priest? I don't freakin' know.
It's a bunch of cartoons with their dicks out.
- Jerry! - They are, Sue.
Some artist.
Asked him to draw a picture of his mother and me in Wings jerseys, he gives me a freakin' drippin' hog.
Chrissy, you should see the details on that hog.
It's as if he's seen it.
Down to the veins.
Next time When they ask you Where you're from You gon' say Detroit city When we get back on our feet, yeah Oh, honey, that was great.
- I'll clean up.
- [ALL PROTESTING.]
No, no, no, stop.
No, no, no, stop, stop.
I said stop! I said I'd clean up.
- Put it back! - Yeah.
Here.
Give me that.
Sam, you got two answers when a woman tells you what to do.
"Okay," and "Yes, honey.
" Is that Tim Allen? - Yes, it is.
- Oh, okay, yeah.
Excuse me, I'd like to sit down, please.
[SCOFFS.]
I was sitting here first.
- I don't care.
- This is the spot I want.
- I don't care.
- Well, there it is.
- Move - So.
Ohh! [COUGHING.]
You only hit me in my stomach after I just ate, - you frickin' idiot! - Then I'll never get to - hit your fat ass.
- Ohh.
Well, you shouldn't hit, - you bag of bolts.
- Whatever.
God, I miss freakin' Shanahan.
Mom, you can't just let Trevor move back into the house every time he screws up.
Tim, he isn't like you.
You weren't here for the divorce.
That affected Trevor.
He was 18.
He should've already been out of the house.
I don't know what to do.
I'm trying.
Him and Jerry are at each other's throats.
Trevor tosses him around like a ragdoll.
He has your father's strength.
He hit Jerry in the back of the head with a chair and then Rock Bottomed him.
- He Rock Bottomed him? - Yes.
That's a finisher.
He needs motivation.
Like you.
What if you gave him a job at the office? - [GROANS.]
- Show him how it's done.
Ah Maybe some structure would be good for him.
And he could stay with you and Chrissy for a while.
- Oh! - Just to get him started.
Transition is very hard for Trevor.
- Oh, Mom.
- That way he could go straight to work with you.
75 is a nightmare in the morning.
He hits traffic, he turns around - and goes to the Taco Bell.
- Oh.
I'll run it by Sam and Chrissy.
- It'll be fine.
- Oh! I could talk to him.
It'll be fine.
Oh, Timmy! Thank you.
You're a very good brother.
- Love you, Mom.
- Very good.
[PLAYING KEYBOARD.]
Hey, bud.
What's up? Do not enter without knocking.
Go back out and try again.
No, I'm not gonna do that.
I'm already in here, Trevor.
That's stupid.
Hey, um, Mom told me that you were in between jobs and we have an opening at Cramblin Duvet.
Oh, what happened? Did Sam get chronic diarrhea and die? No, don't even joke about Sam's death.
We're gonna die at the same exact time.
Even if we're miles apart, our hearts will just know.
You can stay with me and Chrissy.
I think we could really use your help around the office.
You know, I could show you how it's done.
Actually, I don't need to be shown how it's done.
I know how it's done.
Well, you don't know how it's done, but I think with a little bit of work, you'd be pretty good at it.
Yes, I do know how it's done and I could do advertising in my sleep.
You're actually not good at advertising.
You've never done it before, so how would you know if you're good at it? I do know how to do it.
Okay, well then, do it, then.
Fine, shithead! I'll do it! Do not call me a shithead! I'm giving you a job, a place to live! Oh, my God.
Wow, thank you so much.
- Oh, thank you! - Oh, Mother Theresa! - I need to offer my body to you.
- Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Okay, come on.
Let's go! - Grab your stuff.
- What? Come on, Trevor.
What you need to pack, don't you? - Oh, my God.
Yeah.
- Don't you need - to pack some stuff, buddy? - I gotta pack, yeah.
- Oh, yeah, I gotta - Don't hit the dresser! - Shut up! - That used to be yours - as a baby! - That's my dresser! Trevor, pack your deodorant.
Pack your deodorant I got you for Christmas! Thank you! You don't need your Slipknot mask.
- Yes, I do! - When are you gonna use it? Take a shower.
You take a shower in a Slipknot mask? - Yes! Shut up! - You shut the fuck up! [BOTH SCREAMING.]
Morning, Sheila.
Gentlemen.
Trevor! My favorite Cramblin.
A flower for the lady.
Here you go, ma'am.
Oh, ohh, Trevor, just like your father.
It's been a while, but I've kept your favorite game in my desk all these years.
Oh, my God! A frickin' a Game Guy? - Yes! - Hey, guys.
Tommy, this is my brother, Trevor.
Nice to meet you, Trevor.
Hey, Tommy.
What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? - What's up? - Has Tommy never heard the phrase, "What's up?" before? I mean, he seems pretty frickin' rocked.
Hey, Lea.
What's up? What's up? Jake Tipper from Tipper's Jewelry is in your office waiting.
Great.
Trevor, you wanna sit in on this one, see how it's done? Whoa.
I mean, Tipper's Jewelry seems pretty big for Trevor's first day.
Oh, he's gonna be fine.
He's just gonna watch.
- Won't say a word.
- Unbelievable.
Hear that, Trevor? Don't say a word in here.
- Yeah.
- Trevor! - Hm? - Good luck, Trevor.
So then the guy gets down on one knee, pulls out a jewelry box.
In it is a note that says, "IOU one diamond.
" And the woman looks at him and says, - "Maybe I should reconsider.
" - [BOTH LAUGH.]
You owe it to yourself to shop at Tipper's Jewelry.
That's cute.
What? Okay, uh, a girl's taking her friends out to lunch.
We pan around the table, and reveal all of her friends are diamonds.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
[CHUCKLES.]
Eh.
- What? - We have we have other ones.
- Uh, this one's funny.
- He doesn't want - funny ideas, idiots.
- Shut up, Trevor! I'm sorry I'm sorry about that.
A diamond costs, what? Three months' salary? - Wait, what are you - You think people - wanna joke about that? - Go on.
Guy comes home from the store, - he's carrying a grocery bag.
- [SENTIMENTAL MUSIC.]
He opens up the door, he sees his wife, she's holding the baby.
He reaches inside the grocery bag and he pulls out a diamond pendant.
She's like, "Why? It's not our anniversary.
" And he says, "I don't need a reason to give you a diamond.
" Tipper's: She's the only reason you need.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's it.
And maybe the baby craps itself.
'Cause it should be a little bit funny, I think.
Ehh, that's perfect.
You've cut the shit out of your lip, sir.
Oh.
Yeah.
Ah, Sheila's got some tissues, - if you just follow me.
- All right.
Price of having those rings, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
- That was really good.
- Yeah.
You know who he reminds me of? Yeah, your dad.
No.
I remind you of my dad.
- Yeah, but - Hey, guys.
What's up? Tommy, I need you to get the frickin' hell out of here.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey, baby.
Trevor actually did really, really good today.
- He did? - Jake Tipper's gonna use one of his ideas for a commercial.
- [VIDEO GAME GUNFIRE.]
- It was amazing.
- [EXPLOSION BOOMS.]
- Sam said he reminded him of me.
That's nice, but can you please tell him - to turn that damn game down? - Yes.
Sorry.
- [GUNFIRE.]
- Hey, pal? Great job today, but can you turn down "Call of Duty," buddy? It's "Battlefield," idiot.
I gotta hear people's footsteps.
You want me to get fragged like a noob? It's just a game, Trevor! No, it's not! They use this to train NAVY SEALs.
Oh, so the NAVY SEALs play "Battlefield" all day? - Yes, they do! - And that's how they killed Bin Laden.
No, this is actually how they killed Bin Laden.
- Boom! - You don't fucking touch me - ever, you piece of shit! - Ahh! Uhh! Uhh! - Ow! Ohh! Ohh! - I didn't even touch you.
- Oh, my ahh! - There! That hard enough? Ah! Ohh! Get off my back! Dumbasses.
I should kick both they Can I just stay here a little bit? [LAUGHS.]
Not on your fucking life.
[SIGHS.]
Well, I guess I'll leave if you can make me move.
What the frick ahh! Ahh! How are you so frickin' heavy? - Ehh frickin' whale, go home! - Get off of me, Trevor! - I can't! - Get the hell off oh! Ahh! Ahh! Get off me, you fricking psychopath! Ugh! [SPITS.]
- [BOTH SCREAMING.]
- Fine.
Stay.
But don't talk during my stories.
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC.]
R.
J.
Watkins on "The New Dance Show.
" I always knew this we could do this.
- Let's do it.
- That's R.
J.
Watkins.
He's the host with the most.
Who cares? Shut up.
- You idiot! - You're gonna paralyze me! - Ahh! - I'm gonna beat the - Oh, my God! - Yeah! - Oh! - Say what you will, I've never hit you with a stick.
- Yes, you have.
- [FIGHTING SOUNDS CONTINUE.]
Oh, yeah, I have.
- You idiot! - Welcome to the jungle! So we've cast a real life husband and wife team to play the husband and wife in the commercial.
That way when they kiss, they can really go at it.
I don't want them to really go at it.
Yeah, uh well, not a problem.
I mean, we had 'em really go at it in the audition, so we can pull back.
You know, I did have a question about the grocery bag surprise.
Yeah, uh, what's the question? Actually, where's the young man that who came up with the idea? Uh, I can go get him.
Just one second.
[SIGHS.]
Trevor! Get in here! Put your shirt on! So Jake, I don't know if I made it very clear when I was talking about the diamonds are a girl's best friend commercial.
The diamonds would actually be animated.
You know, they would each be, like, a different kind of personality.
Like, there'd be, like, an old lady, uh, like, sassy old lady diamond.
And, like, a dumb diamond, you know what I'm saying? Sit down.
Talk to him.
Here he is, Jake.
I was wondering if it shouldn't be a grocery bag, but a bag from Tipper's.
That way, it's less confusing.
Yeah, I mean, we could do that.
Just kinda replace the grocery bag with, like, a nice Tipper's bag.
That'd be better, in fact, I think.
'Cause that way, you know, it'll say Tipper's on the bag.
No, Sam, it's gotta be a regular, every day grocery bag.
It's gotta have this feeling that you can buy jewelry at any time when you're coming home from the grocery store, after you bought milk, egg, cheese, beef.
Yeah, like a a diamond in the ruffage, if you will.
- No.
- You don't say no to me in the middle of the pitch.
I'm sold.
Grocery bag.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
Hey, Chrissy.
I just wanna thank you for being so understanding about Trevor.
I know he can be a pain in the ass, but I really think this has been good for us.
Thank you, my sweetie [BOTH SCREAM.]
Why so serious? You freaking psycho! Get out of my wife's pajamas! - Make me pregnant! - You're not my wife, idiot.
- I wanna be pregnant! - I know my wife's not a clown! - Yes! - I know my wife's not a clown! Do me, please! Give me a son! - I can't! - Give me a clown son! [DANCE MUSIC.]
R.
J.
Watkins on "The New Dance Show.
" Let's do it.
On the dance line.
Who's your favorite dancer? - General Get down.
- He's a general.
- He's the best.
- Well, yeah.
General Get Down's great.
You know he's a bagger at Farmer Zack's? And Millionaire Greg is Dad's mailman.
Who's your favorite? I'd have to say Seductra.
Of course you like Seductra.
She's a really great dancer.
Mm-hmm.
Seductra can dance.
Uh, yeah.
Just a little bit.
- [SCREAMING.]
- Look at me! Look at me, Trevor! I'm proud of you! I'm proud of you! [BOTH PANTING.]
You're more like Dad than I am.
And it kills me to admit that.
I'm proud of you, Slipknot.
Really? Yeah.
Ohh! [SCREAMING.]
Hey, babe.
You're up early.
Big day today.
Trevor's first commercial shoot.
Trevor! [CLAPPING.]
Let's go! Let's go, Trevor! Up, up! Wakey, wakey, let's go, pal Damn it! Jizz.
Fucking jizz.
- Hey, Mom.
- Trevor told me - you were nasty to him.
- Why didn't he show up? Came crawling back to you? Couldn't take it? You were supposed to show him the ropes! Not work him to death! He's a kid! He is not a kid, Mom! And if you baby him his entire life, he's never gonna learn.
I went out on a limb for him.
At the risk of his health! He's sick as a dog.
He told me he had to be at the shoot at 7:00 a.
m.
Even turkeys aren't up at 7:00 a.
m.
What time are turkeys up, Mom? Don't you sass mouth me, Timothy Dale Cramblin.
I am here to pick up his Slipknot mask, his "Battlefield" disc and his "Five Nights at Freddy's" men.
Yeah, well, you should take his sheet too, because it's caked.
I'm sure I don't know what that means.
Go get the stuff! Jerry wants to leave the city before it's dark.
- He's terrified! - [HONKS HORN.]
All right, let's go, babe.
Yo.
How you doin'? He didn't even have the balls to tell us to our face that he was gonna bail on us.
[SCOFFS.]
You surprised? That's all he's ever done.
How can you be so good at this job and not wanna do it? What? Nothing.
- Hey, Tim.
- Hey, Sam.
Mail's here Boo-yah! What the hell is your cousin David doing here? Oh, well, Tim, since I just found out about the open door policy for hiring family members, I figured it'd be okay for David to come work here.
You're not mad, are you? You can't be.
Yeah, all right.
I get it.
I'm sorry.
It won't happen again.
When you work at a company where two people own it, all decisions need to go through both of 'em, bud, okay? Yeah, you made your point, Sam.
- Okay, that's all I'm sayin'.
- Okay.
- All right? Okay? - All right, cool.
BOTH: Great.
Hey, David? [YELPS.]
[LAUGHS.]
All right, you can go on home.
He got the point.
- Got what? - Tim got the prank.
So this isn't a real job? Oh.
Um, just one second.
Joy.
Hey.
Yeah, the job's not real.
[MOUTHING.]
Yeah, it was a prank on Tim.
Okay.
- Don't wave to us.
- Yeah.
I'll do that.
Sure.
Guys [SIGHS.]
please, please, please don't do this! - I need this job.
- David, stand up.
You can finish up the rest of the week, okay? Thanks, Sam.
I broke your stapler.
Hey, David.
What's up? Just dumb.
We went the Pegasus.
I got a Wings jersey.
We even walked a block.
Wasn't bad.
That city's gotten okay.
In certain parts.
We were asked for change.
But the guy was funny, actually.
- Excuse me for a minute.
- Thank you.
Chrissy and I applied and got in to be on "The New Dance Show.
" - Oh! - Yeah, so excited.
[SIGHS.]
Enter.
What the hell, man? You sneak back to Mom's in the middle of the night, leave a puddle of rope on the bed? It's my two weeks notice.
Trevor, you need to grow up.
You can't just run away from everything.
I'll tell you what.
I'll give you a pass.
You can come back and work for me.
[SIGHS.]
I tried it, I didn't like it.
It was stupid, it was dumb.
But you're so good at it.
It's easy.
It's your thing, man.
It's not mine.
What do you mean? Look, remember when we were kids and we would race and you were faster than me, so you'd slow down and let me win? - Yeah.
- It's like that.
Oh, my God.
You quit because you're better than me and you didn't wanna make me feel bad.
Oh Give me the Slipknot mask.
Give me Shawn Clown.
[SOBBING.]
Trevor! When we were racing, I didn't slow down so you could beat me.
I didn't slow down.
I just got tired.
[CRYING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[SOBBING.]
[MUFFLED SCREAMING.]
Mind if we join you guys? All my boys at the table together.
Tim, you been crying? No, I'm just a little hot.
Hey, uh, Sam, you mind passing me the spaghetti? And by the way, diamonds are a girl's best friend was really funny.
Oh, thank you, Trevor.
And you know what? Yours was pretty good, too.
Although, it coulda been a little funny.
I mean, people remember the ones that are funny, - in my experience.
- Yeah, so that's why they did yours, right? [WHISPERING.]
You piece of shit.
Take your hat off at the table, Trevor.
Hey, Jerry, why don't you suck my balls? Take your hat off at the table, Trevor.
Let him wear his hat, Jerry.
No, Sue.
You think I don't wanna be here eating with my Panama hat on? Take the hat off.
Take the damn hat off.
[GASPS.]
Oh.
That's it! Time to take you to the bottom! - The Rock Bottom! - No! - [BOTH SCREAM.]
- [THUD.]
- BOTH: Ohh! - Rock Bottom! - Oh, shit! - Rock bottom! - That man got broken in half! - Oh, shit! - On ramp! - Infinite Rock Bottoms! - You never saw Rock Bottom! - That man is dead! - I am the new dad! - [SCREAMING.]
We're back, we're back on "The New Dance Show.
" This is R.
J.
Watkins and we have two new dancers on our dance show tonight.
- And this is? - Rosie the Boogier.
- And? - Uh, Emperor King Gold - uh, The Midas Man.
- Fantastic.
And now it's time for a dance line on "The Dance Show.
" Can you break me off something a little funky? [UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC.]
- You had your turn.
- Turn's not over yet.
- You're doin' too much.
- You ain't doin' enough.
Uh! You don't open-hand slap me on TV! - Ahh! - [LAUGHS.]
Ohh! [COUGHING.]
I just ate! [COUGHING.]
[COUGHING CONTINUES.]
What's up? What's up? What's up? Hey, Lea.
What's up?
This is delicious, Mrs.
Cramblin.
I know it's terrible, honey, but thank you.
No, he said it was delicious.
Oh, Trevor, do you wanna join us for Sunday dinner? [SUCKS TEETH.]
No can do.
Trevor, your mother invited you to sit down.
- Sit down.
- Hey, uh, Jerry, why don't why don't you eat my ass? Rude.
What is he still doing in the house? I thought he moved into the house with, like, 15 of his friends.
It didn't work out.
They turned out all to be backstabbers and liars.
All 15 of them.
They were nasty to him.
- Boy needs a job.
- Jerry.
- He got fired from Le Shish? - My dad got him that job.
It wasn't his fault.
They were nasty to him.
They wouldn't let him choose what time he came in.
So he just didn't show up, is what you're saying? Honestly, he has to sleep in or he'll lose his voice.
Besides, he doesn't have time for a job.
He's very busy with Rochu.
What is Rochu? Rochu is an Ultra Beast Trevor created.
Look at the beautiful pictures he makes.
Mom, don't put that on the fridge! The details are fantastic, Chrissy.
Now, Rochu is the king of the Banglo people.
And he defeated Malgor in the Battle of Light.
- Oh.
- He's a Lich Priest.
Uh is that how you say it, Jerry? Am I Lich Lich Priest? I don't freakin' know.
It's a bunch of cartoons with their dicks out.
- Jerry! - They are, Sue.
Some artist.
Asked him to draw a picture of his mother and me in Wings jerseys, he gives me a freakin' drippin' hog.
Chrissy, you should see the details on that hog.
It's as if he's seen it.
Down to the veins.
Next time When they ask you Where you're from You gon' say Detroit city When we get back on our feet, yeah Oh, honey, that was great.
- I'll clean up.
- [ALL PROTESTING.]
No, no, no, stop.
No, no, no, stop, stop.
I said stop! I said I'd clean up.
- Put it back! - Yeah.
Here.
Give me that.
Sam, you got two answers when a woman tells you what to do.
"Okay," and "Yes, honey.
" Is that Tim Allen? - Yes, it is.
- Oh, okay, yeah.
Excuse me, I'd like to sit down, please.
[SCOFFS.]
I was sitting here first.
- I don't care.
- This is the spot I want.
- I don't care.
- Well, there it is.
- Move - So.
Ohh! [COUGHING.]
You only hit me in my stomach after I just ate, - you frickin' idiot! - Then I'll never get to - hit your fat ass.
- Ohh.
Well, you shouldn't hit, - you bag of bolts.
- Whatever.
God, I miss freakin' Shanahan.
Mom, you can't just let Trevor move back into the house every time he screws up.
Tim, he isn't like you.
You weren't here for the divorce.
That affected Trevor.
He was 18.
He should've already been out of the house.
I don't know what to do.
I'm trying.
Him and Jerry are at each other's throats.
Trevor tosses him around like a ragdoll.
He has your father's strength.
He hit Jerry in the back of the head with a chair and then Rock Bottomed him.
- He Rock Bottomed him? - Yes.
That's a finisher.
He needs motivation.
Like you.
What if you gave him a job at the office? - [GROANS.]
- Show him how it's done.
Ah Maybe some structure would be good for him.
And he could stay with you and Chrissy for a while.
- Oh! - Just to get him started.
Transition is very hard for Trevor.
- Oh, Mom.
- That way he could go straight to work with you.
75 is a nightmare in the morning.
He hits traffic, he turns around - and goes to the Taco Bell.
- Oh.
I'll run it by Sam and Chrissy.
- It'll be fine.
- Oh! I could talk to him.
It'll be fine.
Oh, Timmy! Thank you.
You're a very good brother.
- Love you, Mom.
- Very good.
[PLAYING KEYBOARD.]
Hey, bud.
What's up? Do not enter without knocking.
Go back out and try again.
No, I'm not gonna do that.
I'm already in here, Trevor.
That's stupid.
Hey, um, Mom told me that you were in between jobs and we have an opening at Cramblin Duvet.
Oh, what happened? Did Sam get chronic diarrhea and die? No, don't even joke about Sam's death.
We're gonna die at the same exact time.
Even if we're miles apart, our hearts will just know.
You can stay with me and Chrissy.
I think we could really use your help around the office.
You know, I could show you how it's done.
Actually, I don't need to be shown how it's done.
I know how it's done.
Well, you don't know how it's done, but I think with a little bit of work, you'd be pretty good at it.
Yes, I do know how it's done and I could do advertising in my sleep.
You're actually not good at advertising.
You've never done it before, so how would you know if you're good at it? I do know how to do it.
Okay, well then, do it, then.
Fine, shithead! I'll do it! Do not call me a shithead! I'm giving you a job, a place to live! Oh, my God.
Wow, thank you so much.
- Oh, thank you! - Oh, Mother Theresa! - I need to offer my body to you.
- Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
Okay, come on.
Let's go! - Grab your stuff.
- What? Come on, Trevor.
What you need to pack, don't you? - Oh, my God.
Yeah.
- Don't you need - to pack some stuff, buddy? - I gotta pack, yeah.
- Oh, yeah, I gotta - Don't hit the dresser! - Shut up! - That used to be yours - as a baby! - That's my dresser! Trevor, pack your deodorant.
Pack your deodorant I got you for Christmas! Thank you! You don't need your Slipknot mask.
- Yes, I do! - When are you gonna use it? Take a shower.
You take a shower in a Slipknot mask? - Yes! Shut up! - You shut the fuck up! [BOTH SCREAMING.]
Morning, Sheila.
Gentlemen.
Trevor! My favorite Cramblin.
A flower for the lady.
Here you go, ma'am.
Oh, ohh, Trevor, just like your father.
It's been a while, but I've kept your favorite game in my desk all these years.
Oh, my God! A frickin' a Game Guy? - Yes! - Hey, guys.
Tommy, this is my brother, Trevor.
Nice to meet you, Trevor.
Hey, Tommy.
What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? - What's up? - Has Tommy never heard the phrase, "What's up?" before? I mean, he seems pretty frickin' rocked.
Hey, Lea.
What's up? What's up? Jake Tipper from Tipper's Jewelry is in your office waiting.
Great.
Trevor, you wanna sit in on this one, see how it's done? Whoa.
I mean, Tipper's Jewelry seems pretty big for Trevor's first day.
Oh, he's gonna be fine.
He's just gonna watch.
- Won't say a word.
- Unbelievable.
Hear that, Trevor? Don't say a word in here.
- Yeah.
- Trevor! - Hm? - Good luck, Trevor.
So then the guy gets down on one knee, pulls out a jewelry box.
In it is a note that says, "IOU one diamond.
" And the woman looks at him and says, - "Maybe I should reconsider.
" - [BOTH LAUGH.]
You owe it to yourself to shop at Tipper's Jewelry.
That's cute.
What? Okay, uh, a girl's taking her friends out to lunch.
We pan around the table, and reveal all of her friends are diamonds.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
[CHUCKLES.]
Eh.
- What? - We have we have other ones.
- Uh, this one's funny.
- He doesn't want - funny ideas, idiots.
- Shut up, Trevor! I'm sorry I'm sorry about that.
A diamond costs, what? Three months' salary? - Wait, what are you - You think people - wanna joke about that? - Go on.
Guy comes home from the store, - he's carrying a grocery bag.
- [SENTIMENTAL MUSIC.]
He opens up the door, he sees his wife, she's holding the baby.
He reaches inside the grocery bag and he pulls out a diamond pendant.
She's like, "Why? It's not our anniversary.
" And he says, "I don't need a reason to give you a diamond.
" Tipper's: She's the only reason you need.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's it.
And maybe the baby craps itself.
'Cause it should be a little bit funny, I think.
Ehh, that's perfect.
You've cut the shit out of your lip, sir.
Oh.
Yeah.
Ah, Sheila's got some tissues, - if you just follow me.
- All right.
Price of having those rings, huh? [CHUCKLES.]
- That was really good.
- Yeah.
You know who he reminds me of? Yeah, your dad.
No.
I remind you of my dad.
- Yeah, but - Hey, guys.
What's up? Tommy, I need you to get the frickin' hell out of here.
- Hey, babe.
- Hey, baby.
Trevor actually did really, really good today.
- He did? - Jake Tipper's gonna use one of his ideas for a commercial.
- [VIDEO GAME GUNFIRE.]
- It was amazing.
- [EXPLOSION BOOMS.]
- Sam said he reminded him of me.
That's nice, but can you please tell him - to turn that damn game down? - Yes.
Sorry.
- [GUNFIRE.]
- Hey, pal? Great job today, but can you turn down "Call of Duty," buddy? It's "Battlefield," idiot.
I gotta hear people's footsteps.
You want me to get fragged like a noob? It's just a game, Trevor! No, it's not! They use this to train NAVY SEALs.
Oh, so the NAVY SEALs play "Battlefield" all day? - Yes, they do! - And that's how they killed Bin Laden.
No, this is actually how they killed Bin Laden.
- Boom! - You don't fucking touch me - ever, you piece of shit! - Ahh! Uhh! Uhh! - Ow! Ohh! Ohh! - I didn't even touch you.
- Oh, my ahh! - There! That hard enough? Ah! Ohh! Get off my back! Dumbasses.
I should kick both they Can I just stay here a little bit? [LAUGHS.]
Not on your fucking life.
[SIGHS.]
Well, I guess I'll leave if you can make me move.
What the frick ahh! Ahh! How are you so frickin' heavy? - Ehh frickin' whale, go home! - Get off of me, Trevor! - I can't! - Get the hell off oh! Ahh! Ahh! Get off me, you fricking psychopath! Ugh! [SPITS.]
- [BOTH SCREAMING.]
- Fine.
Stay.
But don't talk during my stories.
[UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC.]
R.
J.
Watkins on "The New Dance Show.
" I always knew this we could do this.
- Let's do it.
- That's R.
J.
Watkins.
He's the host with the most.
Who cares? Shut up.
- You idiot! - You're gonna paralyze me! - Ahh! - I'm gonna beat the - Oh, my God! - Yeah! - Oh! - Say what you will, I've never hit you with a stick.
- Yes, you have.
- [FIGHTING SOUNDS CONTINUE.]
Oh, yeah, I have.
- You idiot! - Welcome to the jungle! So we've cast a real life husband and wife team to play the husband and wife in the commercial.
That way when they kiss, they can really go at it.
I don't want them to really go at it.
Yeah, uh well, not a problem.
I mean, we had 'em really go at it in the audition, so we can pull back.
You know, I did have a question about the grocery bag surprise.
Yeah, uh, what's the question? Actually, where's the young man that who came up with the idea? Uh, I can go get him.
Just one second.
[SIGHS.]
Trevor! Get in here! Put your shirt on! So Jake, I don't know if I made it very clear when I was talking about the diamonds are a girl's best friend commercial.
The diamonds would actually be animated.
You know, they would each be, like, a different kind of personality.
Like, there'd be, like, an old lady, uh, like, sassy old lady diamond.
And, like, a dumb diamond, you know what I'm saying? Sit down.
Talk to him.
Here he is, Jake.
I was wondering if it shouldn't be a grocery bag, but a bag from Tipper's.
That way, it's less confusing.
Yeah, I mean, we could do that.
Just kinda replace the grocery bag with, like, a nice Tipper's bag.
That'd be better, in fact, I think.
'Cause that way, you know, it'll say Tipper's on the bag.
No, Sam, it's gotta be a regular, every day grocery bag.
It's gotta have this feeling that you can buy jewelry at any time when you're coming home from the grocery store, after you bought milk, egg, cheese, beef.
Yeah, like a a diamond in the ruffage, if you will.
- No.
- You don't say no to me in the middle of the pitch.
I'm sold.
Grocery bag.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
Hey, Chrissy.
I just wanna thank you for being so understanding about Trevor.
I know he can be a pain in the ass, but I really think this has been good for us.
Thank you, my sweetie [BOTH SCREAM.]
Why so serious? You freaking psycho! Get out of my wife's pajamas! - Make me pregnant! - You're not my wife, idiot.
- I wanna be pregnant! - I know my wife's not a clown! - Yes! - I know my wife's not a clown! Do me, please! Give me a son! - I can't! - Give me a clown son! [DANCE MUSIC.]
R.
J.
Watkins on "The New Dance Show.
" Let's do it.
On the dance line.
Who's your favorite dancer? - General Get down.
- He's a general.
- He's the best.
- Well, yeah.
General Get Down's great.
You know he's a bagger at Farmer Zack's? And Millionaire Greg is Dad's mailman.
Who's your favorite? I'd have to say Seductra.
Of course you like Seductra.
She's a really great dancer.
Mm-hmm.
Seductra can dance.
Uh, yeah.
Just a little bit.
- [SCREAMING.]
- Look at me! Look at me, Trevor! I'm proud of you! I'm proud of you! [BOTH PANTING.]
You're more like Dad than I am.
And it kills me to admit that.
I'm proud of you, Slipknot.
Really? Yeah.
Ohh! [SCREAMING.]
Hey, babe.
You're up early.
Big day today.
Trevor's first commercial shoot.
Trevor! [CLAPPING.]
Let's go! Let's go, Trevor! Up, up! Wakey, wakey, let's go, pal Damn it! Jizz.
Fucking jizz.
- Hey, Mom.
- Trevor told me - you were nasty to him.
- Why didn't he show up? Came crawling back to you? Couldn't take it? You were supposed to show him the ropes! Not work him to death! He's a kid! He is not a kid, Mom! And if you baby him his entire life, he's never gonna learn.
I went out on a limb for him.
At the risk of his health! He's sick as a dog.
He told me he had to be at the shoot at 7:00 a.
m.
Even turkeys aren't up at 7:00 a.
m.
What time are turkeys up, Mom? Don't you sass mouth me, Timothy Dale Cramblin.
I am here to pick up his Slipknot mask, his "Battlefield" disc and his "Five Nights at Freddy's" men.
Yeah, well, you should take his sheet too, because it's caked.
I'm sure I don't know what that means.
Go get the stuff! Jerry wants to leave the city before it's dark.
- He's terrified! - [HONKS HORN.]
All right, let's go, babe.
Yo.
How you doin'? He didn't even have the balls to tell us to our face that he was gonna bail on us.
[SCOFFS.]
You surprised? That's all he's ever done.
How can you be so good at this job and not wanna do it? What? Nothing.
- Hey, Tim.
- Hey, Sam.
Mail's here Boo-yah! What the hell is your cousin David doing here? Oh, well, Tim, since I just found out about the open door policy for hiring family members, I figured it'd be okay for David to come work here.
You're not mad, are you? You can't be.
Yeah, all right.
I get it.
I'm sorry.
It won't happen again.
When you work at a company where two people own it, all decisions need to go through both of 'em, bud, okay? Yeah, you made your point, Sam.
- Okay, that's all I'm sayin'.
- Okay.
- All right? Okay? - All right, cool.
BOTH: Great.
Hey, David? [YELPS.]
[LAUGHS.]
All right, you can go on home.
He got the point.
- Got what? - Tim got the prank.
So this isn't a real job? Oh.
Um, just one second.
Joy.
Hey.
Yeah, the job's not real.
[MOUTHING.]
Yeah, it was a prank on Tim.
Okay.
- Don't wave to us.
- Yeah.
I'll do that.
Sure.
Guys [SIGHS.]
please, please, please don't do this! - I need this job.
- David, stand up.
You can finish up the rest of the week, okay? Thanks, Sam.
I broke your stapler.
Hey, David.
What's up? Just dumb.
We went the Pegasus.
I got a Wings jersey.
We even walked a block.
Wasn't bad.
That city's gotten okay.
In certain parts.
We were asked for change.
But the guy was funny, actually.
- Excuse me for a minute.
- Thank you.
Chrissy and I applied and got in to be on "The New Dance Show.
" - Oh! - Yeah, so excited.
[SIGHS.]
Enter.
What the hell, man? You sneak back to Mom's in the middle of the night, leave a puddle of rope on the bed? It's my two weeks notice.
Trevor, you need to grow up.
You can't just run away from everything.
I'll tell you what.
I'll give you a pass.
You can come back and work for me.
[SIGHS.]
I tried it, I didn't like it.
It was stupid, it was dumb.
But you're so good at it.
It's easy.
It's your thing, man.
It's not mine.
What do you mean? Look, remember when we were kids and we would race and you were faster than me, so you'd slow down and let me win? - Yeah.
- It's like that.
Oh, my God.
You quit because you're better than me and you didn't wanna make me feel bad.
Oh Give me the Slipknot mask.
Give me Shawn Clown.
[SOBBING.]
Trevor! When we were racing, I didn't slow down so you could beat me.
I didn't slow down.
I just got tired.
[CRYING.]
[SCREAMS.]
[SOBBING.]
[MUFFLED SCREAMING.]
Mind if we join you guys? All my boys at the table together.
Tim, you been crying? No, I'm just a little hot.
Hey, uh, Sam, you mind passing me the spaghetti? And by the way, diamonds are a girl's best friend was really funny.
Oh, thank you, Trevor.
And you know what? Yours was pretty good, too.
Although, it coulda been a little funny.
I mean, people remember the ones that are funny, - in my experience.
- Yeah, so that's why they did yours, right? [WHISPERING.]
You piece of shit.
Take your hat off at the table, Trevor.
Hey, Jerry, why don't you suck my balls? Take your hat off at the table, Trevor.
Let him wear his hat, Jerry.
No, Sue.
You think I don't wanna be here eating with my Panama hat on? Take the hat off.
Take the damn hat off.
[GASPS.]
Oh.
That's it! Time to take you to the bottom! - The Rock Bottom! - No! - [BOTH SCREAM.]
- [THUD.]
- BOTH: Ohh! - Rock Bottom! - Oh, shit! - Rock bottom! - That man got broken in half! - Oh, shit! - On ramp! - Infinite Rock Bottoms! - You never saw Rock Bottom! - That man is dead! - I am the new dad! - [SCREAMING.]
We're back, we're back on "The New Dance Show.
" This is R.
J.
Watkins and we have two new dancers on our dance show tonight.
- And this is? - Rosie the Boogier.
- And? - Uh, Emperor King Gold - uh, The Midas Man.
- Fantastic.
And now it's time for a dance line on "The Dance Show.
" Can you break me off something a little funky? [UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC.]
- You had your turn.
- Turn's not over yet.
- You're doin' too much.
- You ain't doin' enough.
Uh! You don't open-hand slap me on TV! - Ahh! - [LAUGHS.]
Ohh! [COUGHING.]
I just ate! [COUGHING.]
[COUGHING CONTINUES.]
What's up? What's up? What's up? Hey, Lea.
What's up?