Die Hart (2020) s02e04 Episode Script

1
[PLAYFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[JORDAN] Hey, Andre, maybe
one of us should just drive.
[CHUCKLES] No, don't
worry about it. I got it.
I got you, my man.
Yeah, man [SIGHS]
I got a crick in my neck that's a bitch.
[SIGHS] I swear I got to get
to Nina so she can fix this.
Who's Nina?
- Kevin's fulltime masseuse.
- My fulltime masseuse.
[SNICKERS] Of course. Of course.
Okay. Well, I'm glad that my life
getting destroyed amuses you.
What? Didn't you
basically ask for all of this?
No, I didn't basically
ask for all of this.
I do not do that besides for a movie.
There's a big difference.
A movie has cameras and sound, lights,
that's what that has in it.
This is not the same.
It's not the same!
We need to go to the police.
No, no, we do not need to go to police.
Whoever this guy is, he
thinks we're dead, right?
So we use that to our advantage
- [JORDAN SIGHS]
- Okay? We make him think
that we're that we're not here.
We disappear. We just
got to figure where to go.
Man, this is where Natasha
would come in handy
because she would know
exactly where we should go.
And who the hell is Natasha?
- That's Kevin's Airbnb consultant.
- That's my Airbnb consultant.
This is getting ridiculous.
Oh, my God. I know
exactly where we can go
where no one would ever search for us.
Who's in?
Who's in?
Okay. Make yourself at home.
Uh, do you guys want anything to drink?
Kombucha, coffee, tea?
Yes. Yes. Uh, kombucha would be great.
I don't have it. You call my bluff.
[LAUGHS] I don't have
kombucha. I'm sorry.
No, water would be great. Thank you.
Water is gonna be great. Great.
Fantastic. And you, do
you want some water?
[CLICKS TONGUE] I'm not putting
my mouth on a cup of this house.
Nice. Nice.
Jesus Christ.
You actually live here?
[ANDRE] Yeah. My little slice of heaven.
Ugh.
- [ANDRE] What was that?
- I said ugh.
I love it. It's actually
really charming.
[ANDRE] Thank you.
You know mom and I are,
kind of, always messing
with the motif in here.
[ANDRE] Went through a
huge Southwestern phase,
so much turquoise.
[ANDRE AND JORDAN CHUCKLE]
So your mom helped you decorate?
Oh, yeah. Big time.
She's my roommate.
- She's right there.
- Oh, God!
- You've got to be shitting me.
- [SNORING]
No, no, no, no. Don't
be afraid, don't be afraid.
Watch this. Do you wanna meet her?
- No, I don't have to.
- Here we go.
Ma, are you okay?
Your mouth is open real wide.
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
- [ANDRE LAUGHS]
- Oh, my. [LAUGHS]
- Don't charge at me.
- Oh, my. Oh. Oh, my God.
Fix your bra.
It's, it's it's Kevin Hart.
America's treasure.
He's a family No, you don't have to.
[LAUGHS] No. And Jordan King,
or should I call you Wheezy.
[CHUCKLES] No, that's just a role
I'm not paid nearly enough to play.
Uh, Jordan is fine.
[ANDRE'S MOM] Oh, come here.
I got to squeeze you. Come here.
[ANDRE'S MOM LAUGHS]
You two got to eat.
We're gonna have a feast.
Andre, go to the freezer.
We're gonna defrost
the Christmas pork chops.
We're doing the Christmas pork chops?
- [KEVIN] No, no.
- We've been waiting for this
- for like six years.
- I don't think that
- [JORDAN] Oh.
- We have that much time.
[KEVIN] You don't have to
do that. We don't wanna
[ANDRE'S MOM] Oh,
we have plenty of time.
You guys save that meat, okay?
- Okay?
- You're eating my meat.
[ANDRE] Tell him, mom. Tell him.
I don't I don't No, no, no.
- You're gonna want my meat.
- No, we don't want your meat.
And people talk about it all the time.
- Well, we don't
- Did you hurt yourself?
- Uh, this is not This is
- Did you know there was
[YELLS IN PAIN] Ah, shit, woman!
Did you know there was blood there?
- Yeah, I
- And up here?
Oh, ow! Stop.
But you are Kevin Hart.
You can't walk around
with bloody clothes on.
You're too sophisticated.
Take your shirt off.
- Come on, I'm gonna wash it.
- No, no, no, it's okay.
I'm, I'm already doing a bloody load.
Come on. Take it off. Come on. Help me.
Take it off, Kevin. What are we doing?
- Yeah.
- So nice of you.
Oh, somebody has got a cute tummy.
- Okay. That's a lot.
- [ANDRE'S MOM] Come on.
Mom, look at it.
Remember I was telling you
about his belly button?
It's right there, mom. You got it.
Take my chance. [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
- [KEVIN] Oh, God.
- [ANDRE LAUGHS]
Just let me Just please
Let me get it. Stop it, please?
[LAUGHS] Oh, my goodness.
Thank you. You got it.
- Oh, that's
- You gotta be kidding me.
Whoa, that hit my eyes. That is
- We Well, we were filming
- That is [SNIFFS]
- That's a man right there.
- Yeah, we were filming
That is good.
We're doing a improv action.
- I can't wait to see
- I love you so much.
We were basically all the action
Oh, I'm so proud of you son.
[KEVIN SIGHS]
They're such nice people. [CHUCKLES]
Nice people who?
[SCOFFS] You're so mean.
How can you be mean to this guy?
Look at him.
He might be the nicest, sweetest
person I've ever encountered.
How can you fire him?
[CLICKS TONGUE] Uh, you
want me to start at the beginning?
I don't know, maybe because
he doesn't respect boundaries.
He cares about you.
Oh, will you just stop it?
Man, clipped my
goddamn toenails one time.
While I was in bed
with a woman.
- Exactly.
- Yeah.
Struggling, by the way, to perform.
Had a lot on my mind.
A lot of my mind.
Brown gummy worms in full effect.
I I don't I don’t
need to know this.
- I don't need to know this.
- Loose noodle.
Call it what you want. I look down
Kevin.
I see his face looking up
at me. Now, I got no shot.
[JORDAN] Okay.
Thank you for the context.
Just giving you a
Giving you a play-by-play.
But, [SIGHS] listen, when
I go to set, it's me acting, right?
But to get there, I've got reps,
my dialect coach, my
assistant, and then there's
personal trainer,
hairstylist, makeup artist.
The, the list goes on, and then there's
family and friends who supported me
and sacrificed for me.
I'm sorry, I got lost in
what you were saying
because I felt it was bullshit.
You have that too Kevin and then some.
Okay? It's why you're a star.
No, that's not true.
I'm a star because I made
myself a star with this.
Sure. Yeah, that's the story
you keep telling yourself,
but you had help.
Okay.
Hey, how are you guys doing?
[CHUCKLES] The pork chops are smelling
so much like shrimp
right now it's amazing.
I got you a shirt my man.
I think it'll fit perfectly.
- [ANDRE] Okay. Do you see it?
- [KEVIN] Mm-hmm. Nice.
Yeah, I made that myself.
Okay. Thank you for that.
Uh, I wanted to ask you earlier,
but I didn't get a chance
- Anything.
- Who's Who's that?
- This one?
- Yeah.
That's my dad.
He's been gone a long time.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Same.
You know my mom raised me.
I know.
Did your dad, uh,
got afraid of parenthood and run off?
It wasn’t anything like that, actually.
He was amazing. He was kind.
Uh, he was gentle By the
way, Richard Pryor's assistant.
Your dad is Richard
I guess you could say assisting
just runs in the family, right?
Oh, that's legendary.
- It is, right? [CHUCKLES]
- That's huge.
It's huge. Until it killed him.
What do you mean?
[CLICKS TONGUE] It's a big show
and, uh, crazy fan got through security.
So my dad jumped in the way of a knife
that was meant for Richard Pryor.
You You're playing.
- No. Cut him in the stomach
- What?
- Got up, back down.
- What?
Killed my dad on the spot.
Oh, my God, man!
I can't I can't process that.
Neither could I. It was
enormous for our whole family.
Why would somebody
wanna kill Richard Pryor?
Huh?
Who?
Yeah, why?
That's crazy right?
Yeah, I bet my I bet
By the way, I bet my
dad when he was dying,
was looking up and was like,
"Why would you do this?"
Or something like that.
It has to be, right?
Maybe. Maybe not. I mean, at that point,
that’s not what's important.
Somebody tried to kill Richard.
- Right. My dad was already dead.
- Yeah.
So The thing we're gonna
worry about is who is this guy?
Are there more of them?
Guys' gonna do what he's gonna do.
- Yeah.
- Okay? You can't rewrite that.
No. Nobody can. I tried to.
[CHUCKLES] God, I've
been to so much therapy
trying to rewrite that moment.
What could I have I
done, you know, as I child.
But maybe I could have jumped in the way
- or something like that.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
On the bright side though,
if you think about it,
he died doing what he loved the most.
- Mm-hmm.
- Assisting.
He was so happy that he brought joy
to someone who brought
joy to so many people.
He told me every single thing I knew.
[ANDRE CHUCKLES]
You know, man, maybe, um,
maybe I didn't mean to fire you.
I think your exact words were,
"I didn't need a stuntman."
"I sure as hell don't
need an assistant."
You said it to me, yelled it, and then,
uh, you told me get
out of your car, right?
Oh, no. You're absolutely
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
But I'm just saying now, looking back,
I'm saying, maybe, I do
Maybe I still do need
an assistant. I mean, if you
Oh, God. All right.
[CHUCKLES] I need you too.
- No. Not this
- I need you too.
Not this same.
- Oh, fuck.
- Yeah.
I've never been this hard.
All right. I'm gonna tell my mom.
Mom, you'll never believe it.
Congratulations.
Something else, right?
[GROANS]
- [JORDAN] I'm proud of you.
- Shut up.
You know if you start treating everyone
in the Kevin Hart Universe
with that level of respect,
I think you'll be happy with your life.
You really are something else.
I mean, you paint me
out to be such a monster.
Name one other person
that I've disrespected.
Just one. Give me one.
I can absolutely name someone.
- [KEVIN] Hey, Jordan.
- Yeah. Hi.
Had you looked at the call sheet?
I didn't see your stunt double on there.
Oh, I sent her home.
Why?
Well, I grew up on motorcycles
and it's a simple one today.
I just have to drive through that glass
of our dry cleaning
business before it explodes.
Whoa. Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Simple for who?
Who's, who's it the simple for, you?
Well, that's what you have double for.
Do you know what this looks like
if you're gonna do all your
own stunts, and I don't do mine?
Do you know what
people will think of me?
Uh, they'll think you're an actor?
And, listen, I'm not
jumping off the cliff,
I'm not jumping a plane,
and I ain't fighting no
alligator for anyone.
You don't think I can do my own stunts.
- What? No.
- You don't think I'm tough enough?
No, I that's what Doug is for.
For exactly these things.
You think I need Doug?
Absolutely.
Maybe I don't.
Maybe I don't need Doug.
I think he just heard you.
Hey, Doug.
I'm gonna go talk to Doug.
Kevin.
Hey, there he is.
My guy.
Oh, oh.
[LAUGHS]
Yeah, you ain't gonna believe this shit.
I'm talking to Jordan.
I just found out Jordan
sent her stunt double home.
You know what she's trying to do.
You know exactly
what she's trying to do.
She's trying to show me up
and I'm not going to have that.
I can't have that.
I'm Kevin Hart, right?
[KEVIN LAUGHS]
So here's the thing, right?
Let's get into this relationship,
because it's one of the
best that I've ever had.
How long have you been with me, man?
Damn, that long huh?
It's been a long time.
I know you're gonna be fine
and it's time for you fly, right?
[KEVIN] So with that being said,
uh, we're done.
I'm, I'm gonna go ahead and
Is it Is fired the word?
I guess I guess it is fired.
So I'm gonna fire you, but in a
But in a dope way to
where we're still cool.
Imma Imma gonna
go and, uh, get ready.
My guy.
- It's stunt time.
- Kevin, this is terrible idea.
It's stunt time.
Listen, I'm not trying to show you off.
Hey, enough Jordan.
It's all good, Mr. Action Star.
[GASPS] Doug.