Dilbert (1999) s02e04 Episode Script

Listen and repeat.
Tape one.
Listen and repeat.
We will enable timely, knowledge-based decision-making based on real-time information by implementing an enterprise resource management system.
We will entangle timid, college-based precision markets based on full-time repudiation by instigating a something, something.
Whatever.
Very good.
Really? I thought I missed a word.
They say they're slow, but they're not.
I just want to take this opportunity to thank you all for participating in our company's mandatory blood drive.
You really are the life blood OF THIS COMPANY.
Oh.
Rose, you are like the fresh dew on a morning flower.
My heart yearns for you.
Your soft skin.
Your triangle hair.
Your lips like two tiny sausages stacked upon each other.
Death row is a lonely place, my precious.
The only things to occupy the empty hours are thoughts of you and the contraband I have hidden in my colon.
My dying wish, Alice, is for your hand in marriage.
That is so romantic.
All my love, Vince.
P.
S.
Please respond before next Friday at noon.
What if I don't have any extra blood? Maybe I only have exactly enough.
Everyone has extra blood.
It doesn't matter anyway.
You'll never get past the screening process.
I will now read a list of disqualifying conditions.
Please leave the auditorium if any of the following apply to you.
"Are you now or have you ever been Wally?" Yes.
First one out.
Repeat.
The disconnects between gross margin and leverage will be harnessed for commercial ventures.
The discotheques between gross margarine and beverages will be harmless to your dentures.
Very good.
Now close your eyes and visualize each word as you say it.
Imagine the word "vision.
" Try to see it in your mind.
Is it black? Have you gotten any tattoos in the last six months? Have you had intimate physical relations with anyone in the past 10 years? Not really, but I'm trying to build a reputation.
With your eyes still closed, imagine a picture that corresponds with the phrase "a commitment to synergy.
" I see it.
It's like some sort of two-headed woodchuck, or is it a beaver? Can you get a clean shot at his tires? I think I can hit the spare tire in the back.
Wait.
He stopped.
music Infinity bottles Of beer on the wall music music Infinity bottles of beer music music If one of those bottles Should happen to fall music music Infinity bottles Of beer on the wall music Come on! I can't take Another four hours of this.
Go! Go! Go! music Infinity bottles of beer on the wall music Will you just shut up? You have infinite beer on the wall, okay? It will never be fewer.
Now put your hands out to your sides and wave them, slowly.
Can you imagine if something were to happen to this bus, Helmut? The sciences of physics, chemistry, mathematics and medicine are wiped out in a stroke.
And economics.
Economics is not a science and never will be! He's waving us on.
Finally.
All units.
He's heading for a large business campus.
Prepare to intercept.
Are you telling me you haven't done anything on this list? I've been very busy.
All right, roll up your sleeve.
Whoo.
Isn't that the fifth bag? We got a quota.
Can I have a cookie? No, I ate them while you were bleeding.
All right, sharpshooters.
If you get a clear shot, take it.
Uh there's people in the way.
Aw, shoot.
Aw, shoot.
I've got to get me a new swear word.
The vehicle had no registration or plates so we're hoping someone saw him.
Why would a vehicle need registration and plates? I'm just the sketch artist.
Oh, a specialist.
Well, I didn't exactly see the guy, but from what I heard on the radio I've got a pretty good idea of what he looks like.
Can you describe him for me? I could, but I'm extremely busy.
Wally! Uh, I can't work too hard.
I almost gave blood today.
I want you to describe to these officers the man I heard about on the radio this morning.
What? Be as specific as you can.
Don't leave out anything.
All right.
I'll tell them everything you know.
These remind me of water balloons, except filled with blood.
Put that down.
It looks like you have some extras.
All right, one bag, but let me show you how to do it.
This psycho must have left a blood trail.
I want you to comb every inch of this area for the killer's DNA.
Maybe we'll get lucky.
And don't let this crime scene get contaminated.
Good one, huh? Nice shooting, yourself.
Well, thank you.
Driving without blood is surprisingly difficult.
Sir, how many drinks have you had this evening? Nothing.
I couldn't even get a cookie, then a lady took all of my blood.
Okay, buddy, count backward from 100 using only prime numbers.
Okay.
No one likes a wiseass.
Get out of the car.
Attention all units.
Attention all units.
Positive DNA match has been made on the Nobel prize slaughter.
The suspect is Caucasian, wearing glasses, in laughably bad shape, and answers to the name "Dilbert.
" Hey.
That's me.
So with the Nobel prize killer safely behind bars looking at a swift execution once the 40 to 75 years of appeals is over and everyone associated with the case long dead, strange men with incomprehensible theories that can't be proven can once again breathe a sigh of relief.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Fennerman? Hi, I'm Alice.
I'm engaged to your son, Vince.
It is so nice to meet you, darling.
Here, do you need a sign? That's okay.
I have my own.
I don't understand.
Aren't you two getting married? Yes.
We're going to spend the rest of our lives together.
Mark my words this marriage will never last.
Wow! This cell is huge.
Sorry about the internet connection.
There's an internet connection? Your cable modem's in the shop.
We're running you through the T-One until it gets back.
What's this? Fan mail.
Probably a few marriage proposals.
For me? Marriage proposals? You're in for murder, right? That's an aphrodisiac for the fairer sex.
You know, I'm actually innocent.
I wouldn't let that slip out.
Excuse me- how did you decide that five cigarettes was worth one candy bar? Well I was hungry.
First of all, you should never barter on an empty stomach.
Second, this is much too inefficient.
So, everything used for barter could be valued at a constant rate relative to everything else.
For instance, a shampoo bottle of home-made gin is equal to a clean toothbrush, which is also equivalent to an eight-ounce bar of chocolate or five cigarettes.
Any questions? Okay, one might wonder what happens when a scarcity in a perishable commodity, say chocolate, causes a relative glut of another more durable item such as erotic literature.
Anyone? Yes? We carve a potato into the shape of a gun and cover it with shoe polish? You could do that.
Or wait for the market to automatically adjust to take into account the commodity imbalance, thus moving the exchange rate to a new point of stability.
You can do all that without a potato? Ay! Chocolate at two-and-a-half cigarettes! Chocolate at two-and-a-half! Over here, Victoria's Secret.
Desserts, desserts! I got Victoria's Secret.
How about 8-N-G-Y-4-3-2? Let me check.
Boys! Boys! You're sitting on a gold mine here.
Do you realize the license plate business is a growth industry and a legal monopoly? By automating your order flow and assembly process, you'll increase productivity and reduce costs.
The guy who had this job before didn't train me.
Dead man walking! Down the aisle.
We are gathered here today to join two souls in holy matrimony and to damn one of them to eternal hellfire.
I understand that you two have written your own vows.
Vince, who would've thought 10 years ago that a grisly mass murder would lead to such a blissful union? You are my heart.
You are my soul.
You make living worthwhile.
I look forward to spending the next 45 seconds as your loving wife.
Vince? I didn't do it! Oh, for the love of God! Please don't kill me! Uh right.
Okay.
By the authority vested in me by the state correctional facility, I pronounce you man and wife.
You may now insert the gag.
You're making a big mistake! I didn't! I didn't! it is an incredible book, Mr.
Dogbert.
Thanks.
It took me all morning to write it.
It's the ending that bothers me.
It would be better if this Dilbert fellow gets set free at the last minute, instead of flaming like a marshmallow.
How much better would it be? Mmm, about $3 million in movie rights.
I'll talk to the supreme court.
Ugh! There are just no good convicts out there! That one's cute.
Cute, yes, but he's got a damn good appeal pending.
I read the brief.
Oh, you can't tell anything from a picture, anyway.
In my high school yearbook, I didn't even look attractive.
Maybe we should go visit Dilbert.
Check the place out.
That sounds like it involves leaving work.
I'll drive.
I couldn't help overhearing you while I was eavesdropping.
Do you mind if I go with you to stare at the miserable miscreant? Uh, there's no room in my car.
It's filled with oxygen and carbon dioxide.
That's not good.
I'll drive my own car.
Can you give me directions? Yes.
Yes, I can.
Who's that? He's an axe murderer.
Ooh, the outdoor type.
Let me talk to Wally.
Put in a good word for me in C block.
Hey, Dilbert! Looking good.
All that hard manual labor's paying off.
Actually, there is no hard labor.
I have all day to think, to exercise, and to work on my own projects.
I barely have to do anything if I don't want to.
Mmm, but it's lonely, right? Hardly.
Wally, this week alone I've received over 100 marriage proposals.
Boy, is my values system all screwed up.
There it is, bars and all- the big house.
Okay, next we'll hear from Tino in shiv manufacturing.
Thank you.
I am pleased to report that since we instituted the battle recycling program, the number of pointy objects available to the prison population has tripled.
Good work.
Um, Bobby G.
, you're up.
I just prepared this memo on the new production quotas.
As you can see, all the inmates are participating in the prison 401-K.
Considering the average inmate's salary is 18 cents a day, at maturity, this amounts to a retirement package of approximately $34.
Well, let's see if we can't supplement that with some of the souvenir sales.
All right, is there any new business? I think we should probably discuss the status of the escape plan and the progress of the tunnel.
All right.
Using two shifts round the clock and a teaspoon, we have dug approximately three feet.
At this rate of excavation, we estimate the tunnel will be completed some time in the year 2125.
And when is the escape currently scheduled? Tuesday.
Okay.
I've done some calculations along with a preliminary geological survey and- Tony? Shirt.
The bearing wall is made of basalt.
Basalt is among the most dense of igneous rocks.
Now, if we drop down approximately 10 meters, the composition of the bordering wall becomes limestone, a very spoon-friendly material.
Now, I've drawn up plans for an electric spoon, but it's going to cost four million candy bars.
Eh, no problem.
Did you know that I'm the only one in my bridge club with a son on death row? I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment to you, Mom.
Disappointment?! Everyone asks about you; you're on the news.
I used to get blank stares when I told people you were an engineer, but murderer, that gets people's respect.
You could be a little DISAPPOINTED.
Let's see, "Bank robbery, 10 to 15 years Kidnapping " ooh, "20 to life.
" Not too shabby.
"Frotteurism: "the crime of rubbing up against people in crowded public places.
" When did they make that illegal? Dogbert, always a pleasure.
Why don't you come to the meetings anymore? I'm not actually a member of the supreme court.
Really? Now I feel bad about letting you write all those decisions.
I didn't mind.
What brings you in today? I want you to overturn the conviction of a guilty murderer named Dilbert.
If you don't mind, I'll just write up your decision and sign all your names to it.
Okay, but make me sound indignant.
And throw something in there about fairness.
Do you want a copy? I don't see when I'd ever read it.
Today, my friends, marks the dawning of a new era.
Today, we proved that with vigor, discipline, and a little I guess it works.
What's your NAME? Good Lord, man, what's happened to you in there? Okay, time to go, Dilbert.
But they're coming back aren't they? Probably.
The recidivism rate is very high.
Did they ever find the real killer? Funny thing, right after I got you off, some lunatic confessed to the crime.
You sure is good at not being able to hammer up them rocks at all.
I wasn't really expecting this kind of an environment.
Ooh, are those the conjugal visit trailers? We's a team, you and me.
Got us a quota.
If'n we ain't meet her by sundown, we ain't getting no dinner! So, you, uh, get a lot of marriage proposals since you been here? You hear me up, boy? I ain't missing my shower day account of your baby-butt hands can't swing a pick! Grab up that there pick and bring her down! Naw, that ain't gonna do her! Here, let me show ya.
Hup-dah! Now you're getting it! I think my shoulders are dis locating That's enough out of you.
By the power vested in me by the state correctional facility, I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may now insert the gag.
Yello? It's the governor.
The real killer confessed.
You've been pardoned.
Now we can start a life together, Alice.
It's like a miracle! You're innocent? I'm having serious second thoughts.
The governor wants to speak to you.
Tell him to hold for one minute.
Oh, which one is the hold button?