Duncanville (2020) s02e04 Episode Script

1 Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪ Ooh! - Mommy! - Aaaaaaah! - Duncan! - Duncan! Mommy, look! I'm dancing on the table ♪ Now I'm skating on the placemats ♪ I had gummy bears for breakfast And I'm going insane ♪ I'm afraid for your life, but it's so adorable.
I have to get a picture.
- I want mangley spoon! - Mangley spoon is mine! Catch me, Mommy! - Mom! - What? - Yay - Aw! I thought we solved this spoon thing.
It's Tuesday.
Kimberly gets the mangley spoon.
Mmm! Ha-ha.
Ugh, that should be my bloody mouth! Sorry, Jing.
Do your dangerous, cute thing again.
Why bother? You're clearly enjoying Duncan and Kimberly's daily spoon fight more than me.
Guess what? Our stimulus check finally arrived, and I spent it all on tickets to the movies! - Yeah! - Yay! Ooh, "The Seedy Life of Plants"! I just have to know what these little guys do - when I'm not around.
- I call shotgun! I called shotgun in bed when I woke up! Don't do anything crazy while we're gone! Move your flat ass! I'll move it into the front seat! And the doctor said my ass isn't done growing! Your mother gets shotgun! She feeds me orange slices while I drive.
Then I get back-right seat! I meant back-right seat when I called shotgun! - My ulna! - It was your radius, crapbrain.
Will you two knock it off and help Jing get in her car seat? - Look! I buckled myself in.
- Not now, Jing.
I know how to do it.
I was just being cute.
Don't look at me, freak! I'm flippin' you off.
Double bird! I am so sick of your fighting.
One day, your father and I will be gone and you'll only have each other.
The love of a sibling is one of life's treasured blessings.
- You don't talk to Uncle Stan.
- Never say his name! We're never gonna get along, Mom.
You should let that go.
Yeah, I can't wait till we're estranged adults! Hey, Duncan, you remember Kimberly? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I've been meaning to call.
You still living in Illinois? - Um, Germany.
- Right, right.
So, how's Tammy? Uh, my wife's name is Angie, and she's dead.
Right, right.
I think I put a heart on that post, mm-hmm.
- You want to meet your nephew? - Nah.
Why wouldn't you meet my son? You were just gonna use him to ask me for money! Go back to Germany with your white-collar criminal husband! Let's see what my future looks like! No time for fantasies, Jing.
I need to yell at your brother and sister.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Don't make us turn this car around! Nice try, you already bought the tickets.
I mailed in proofs of purchase for this! Jack! Roundabout! That's it.
We're going home.
Jack, reverse roundabout.
Ugh! Thanks a lot.
Now I'll never see a plant throw a rager! They're coming back, guys! I sprayed some Shout on the shirt.
We won't know until morning.
Both of you, go to your rooms.
Straight to bed.
Now! - Fine by me.
- Love it.
Alexa, unplug Wi-Fi.
No! But I'll die.
Do it, Alexa.
You monsters! Shut up.
I'm hungry too.
Ugh, okay, I'm going! Is that the last Babybel sharp original cheese? I'm sending you to hell! I'm already there! Duncan! Kimberly! Spray me, Daddy.
Sorry, Jing.
The hose is set to punishment, not fun.
Aw This is why we don't get invited to neighborhood block parties! Yeah, we know you're having block parties! Family discord.
As old as Cwain and Abel.
We're at the end of our rope, Bradley.
How are you so well-behaved? I wasn't always.
I used to be a pyro.
Some kids suck their thumbs.
Some kids wanna watch the world burn.
Oh, sure.
Sure.
But what turned it around for you? Trust Falls Wilderness Therapy Camp.
You can use my referral code.
It says here that three former therapy campers have gone on to be state representatives.
Disgraced Congressman Timothy Gerald.
Not bad.
And the brochure is glossy, but I don't know.
Yeah, they're awful kids, but they're not send-away awful.
Uh, Daddy? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Mom, Kimberly's killing me with your good mixer! Hmm - Don't make us go! - It's cheaper to just send him! Okay, time to go.
Miss you.
Have a great time.
Bye! Thank you! They'll be gone all week! Ugh! The air is fresh! And none of the trees are cell towers! Howdy, troubled campers! Whether you burned down a house, stole your grandma's meds, or just choked your stepdad 'cause he smoked your cigarettes, we're gonna fix ya! - Who is this loser? - I'm Douglas.
And you're not just my campers.
You're the children I couldn't biologically have.
Let's get this week started! It's your fault we're here with Clappy McCastrated.
My tibia! That was the best movie I've ever seen, and I've seen three movies! I didn't like it at first, but it grew on me.
Get it? "Grew?" Aha, look who wants to play! I'm glad you sent Duncan and Kimberly to jail.
- Swing me! - Whee! - I can't believe - Whee! - Neglected her so much.
- That ends today.
For the next whee-k, all our focus will be on you.
What do you wanna do next, honey? I wanna see "Plants" again! Whee! Now, our program's all about teamwork, so we're gonna start by building a fire.
Everybody, pair up.
There you go.
Find a buddy.
- Mm.
- Hmm.
Damn it! Okay! One of you has kindling.
The other has flint.
Uh-oh! This calls for teamwork! - Ha-ha, you'll never be warm.
- But you will.
Ow! My metatarsals! You two need to work together, or you're never gonna graduate.
Thanks, Overalls, but it doesn't matter what we do.
- We go home in a week anyway.
- Wrong, Overbite.
You don't successfully complete the course, you don't go home.
- We've been here 20 years.
- 21, front butt! I'm telling Mom and Dad, if they're still alive! 21 years? Who's gonna watch my son? Oh, Chef Jing, the plastic spaghetti and Barbie leg hit the spot.
And that rack of Lego bricks was divine.
Thanks for dining with us.
I didn't charge you for the handful of Cheerios.
Ah, we're not done yet.
- Can we see your dessert list? - Sorry.
The arcade and indoor trampoline wore me out.
I'm going on my break.
Rhonda will take care of you.
But how are you gonna nap when you're it? Oh, God! I'm okay! Ooh, Daddy needs a doctor.
Get your medical kit! Welcome to the Trail of Trust.
You will guide your blindfolded partner across this obstacle-filled trail.
Good luck, my beautiful babies! I'm gonna run behind this tree and watch.
The only way we're ever gonna leave this place is if they think we're getting along.
- Yeah, I can't do that.
- Neither can I.
- But we can pretend to get along.
- Pretend? Well, I was a back half of a donkey - in four school plays, so let's do it.
- Forward, big brother! You have my trust, oh, noble sister! Sharp rock ahead.
Veer left! I believe in you.
Nicely done, good listener.
Hooray to us and our loving bond! Oh, man.
This could be so good! Ugh! Go right.
Super siblings! You cannot fake love like that.
- Don't laugh with me! - I'm not laughing with you.
I'm laughing at you for laughing with me - and not thinking I'm laughing at you.
- Good! Jing, where are you? When will this ever end? Come out, come out, wherever you are! I guess she's not here.
- Whoa! - Gotcha! All righty, who likes games of personal sacrifice? Excellent! Okay everyone, here's the scenario.
The island is going to explode, but only one of you can escape.
Who goes in the boat? We'd rather die together than live apart.
Thus is the strength of our love.
Whoa! Save some of that progress for the rest of these nutcases.
Shame on you! Shame on all of you! Come on, Jing! Let's pretend we're pirates looking for pizza booty! I want to pretend I'm an adult and get the pizza myself.
But what are we gonna do? Here's an iPad.
Entertain yourselves.
Okay.
Here we go.
- Sprite.
- Olive oil.
- Red hot pepper flakes.
- Loose change.
And a free sample of Pepcid AC.
What do I get if I drink the whole thing? If you're gonna make this about personal gain, - just forget it.
- Yeah, Bex.
You used to be about the sludge.
No, I am! I am! Oh! It tastes bad! Oh, hey Jing.
Here's your pizza.
Do me a favor.
Put it under the heat lamp.
I just need five minutes.
How are Duncan and Kimberly doing in psycho camp? Probably better than me.
I wanted all the attention, and it was fun at first Ooh, I'm sensing a twist coming.
But now they won't leave me alone! There it is! Jing, the iPad locked! What's your passcode again? One, one, one, one, one, one! - Argh! Is me pepperoni pizza ready yet? - Get back in the car! - Mm - Ugh, I feel like I'm dying.
Mia, another Sprite! We're goin' again! Congratulations, Duncan and Kimberly only! Shame on you! Ow! Well, you two have completed the program in record time.
You ran across the Hot Coals of Communication Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Your pain is my pain.
The Compassion Cake you baked changed my life.
Dad, I forgive you.
And your Dance of Devotion was just the right amount of sexual.
I'm a savage, yeah ♪ Classy, bougie, ratchet ♪ - Yeah! - By the power invested in me, by a workshop I took at the Airport Radisson, I now present you with this certificate of Completion and a ride on the Zip Line of Zuczess.
- Gimme! - Thanks, sucker! We faked the whole thing! Yeah, this camp blows, and you're a virgin! I've been nothing but nice to you! It was my idea to fake it! I'm going first! It was my idea to agree with you.
I should go first! Whoo! That zip line's only for one person! Oh, my goodness! And that's why we have parents sign release forms.
What did we do to deserve this? We're gonna die! Never mind.
I'm good.
Thank you, gentle beavers.
I was riding the Zip Line of Zuczess out of here, and you ruined it! I ruined it? I ruined it? I ruined it? Okay, I've been waiting 15 years to say this to you, Kimberly.
Nuh-uh! - Oh, yes-huh! - It's getting late.
We gotta find our way back to the main road.
Why should I follow you? 'Cause I've watched every survival show! Step one, tie a T-shirt around my head.
Step two, we form an alliance and drink each other's pee.
I'm not drinking your pee.
- Oh, like your pee is so great! - It's better than yours! Alliance over.
You're on your own.
Fine! When I get home, I'll try to remember to send someone for your body.
Survival journal.
Day one.
Beard's coming in nice.
We're getting' hungry.
Need protein.
Gonna kill me a squirrel.
Thank you for your sacrifice.
Your meat will nourish me through this harsh, harsh winter.
Oh, great Aranyani, goddess of the forest.
It is I, your Wiccan sister, Kimberly Harris.
I summon your help to guide me home or improve my cell service.
Okay, I know I'm only Pagan when I need something, but show me that you hear my prayer, and we're still good.
My powers are too strong! Ew! This pizza's hot and fresh! That's 'cause usually we spend 30 minutes pulling Duncan and Kimberly apart before we eat! Why are you yelling? This is my normal family dinner voice! That I don't have to use anymore.
Oh, it's so nice to be able to have a real conversation.
So, Jing, what did you do today? You know what I did.
We spent every minute together.
Ah, yes.
I had fun too.
For tomorrow, Jing, we're thinking Monopoly marathon.
We'll start with "Harry Potter" Monopoly, then "Frozen" Monopoly And, of course, "Super Mario" Monopoly.
Rockin' into Metallica Monopoly.
- That's for me, but you'll like it too.
- I can't take this anymore! I want Duncan and Kimberly back! I do kinda miss them.
Yeah, I don't sleep well if I don't yell myself out by the end of the day.
Yeah, hosing down animals having sex is fun, but it's just not as fulfilling.
And if I have one more second of your undivided love and attention, I'll kill us all! But they haven't completed their therapy.
Oh, just give 'em a pill and sign 'em up for a sport.
Let's go! Ugh! It's you.
Thanks a lot, Aranyani.
Oh, can you pull this stick out? It was just stuck in your belt loop.
- Is it bad? - The belt loop's fine.
But if we don't build a fire, we're gonna freeze to death.
The wood's too wet.
It won't light.
- Here, try this.
- Is that a clump of my hair? Yeah, I've been cutting a little bit every night to make you think you're going bald.
You know, we can be a good team when we feel like it.
- Yeah, how did we get here? - I don't know.
I just wanted the mangley spoon, and next thing I know, we're baking a cake for dumb-ass Douglas.
I don't know why we fight so much.
- Your face? - Possibly.
You've mentioned it often.
You know, siblings are just random people who are forced to love each other.
Yeah, if we didn't have the same mom and dad, - we wouldn't even be friends.
- That's what I'm saying! Brothers and sisters who get along all the time are gross.
Like Derek and Julianne Hough grinding on each other.
- Ew! - Yeah! It's against nature.
Remember the time I pushed you down a flight of stairs - for the last Go-Gurt? - Yeah, my shoulder still does this.
Mom and Dad expect too much.
They're the problem.
Not us.
That's the smartest thing you've ever said, Duncan.
That's the longest you've ever listened.
Do we like each other? Forest dog! It's a moose, stupid! And now he's mad! Run! I read in a book that if you give a moose a muffin, um oh, God, I didn't finish! I don't think it's gonna hold the two of us! Maybe you should just go! No! I'd rather die together now than die alone five minutes from now! I'll be your plank! Step on my flat ass! - Help! - Give me your hand! No! I'm using them! - You suck, moose! - Yeah, man wins again! I'm sorry your future wife died! I'm sorry I never visited you in Germany! Run, my babies! Run! That guy was actually pretty nice.
Yeah, I hope he gets some in heaven.
Duncan! Kimberly! Hey, you forgot me in the car! They forgot me in the car.
Aw! Love you.
Bumpy road.
Gotta pee.
We're sorry we sent you away.
Tell you what, you can fight all the way home.
Nah, that's okay.
Come on, bro.
You want back-right seat? I called back-right seat when I said, "Nah, that's okay.
" Aw, $2,000 well spent! Get in the car, Annie, I just saw a moose eating a man.
Wow, Douglas really turned it around, 'cause when I was peein' next to him, it was all moose.
Aw, look at you two, getting along like the Eilishes.
Ta-da! I put another spoon in the garbage disposal, so now, you each have your own mangley spoon.
- Hers is more mangled! - The hell you say! I got it! I got it! It's good to have everything back to normal.