Empty Nest (1988) s02e04 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need Rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on hey, dreyfuss.
I'm gonna be sponsoring a youth baseball league team.
Ha! Is that exciting? Dreyfuss, there's a burglar breaking into the house, threatening your loved ones.
Oh! Oh, now he's gonna steal your food! - Hey, Harry.
- Hi, Charley.
I had a great cruise.
Eight ports, no vomiting.
Sounds like your ship has a catchy new slogan.
That's a serious problem, Harry.
You know, on a cruise, the term "heave ho" takes on a whole new phuh! Phuh! Please, please.
- Charley - What are you doing? I'm trying to come up with names for my youth league baseball team.
You have a youth league team? Well, actually, I'm just the sponsor.
They needed some money for uniforms, but I get to name the team.
You know, and I've been toying with some ideas, like the cubs or the rangers, but I'm leaning very heavily medical center mavericks.
Doesn't sing.
You need something that's gonna instill fear on the base paths.
Something like Dr.
Weston's rare disease carriers.
I'll figure this one out for myself, Charley.
Hey, you need a coach? - You? - Oh, Harry, I love baseball.
There's nothing like it.
You know, the sound of the bat, connected to the horse hide.
The thrill of a freckle-faced kid sliding into third.
Sight of those young, divorced moms in the stands.
Sweat glistening down their tank tops.
Charley, uh, baseball is our national pastime, and I'm not sure you should be part of it.
Come on, Harry, it'd mean a lot to me.
Let me coach, huh? I mean, okay.
I mean, I can ask the manager if he needs some help.
All right.
I don't know how to thank you, Harry.
Except to say Morning.
Morning is not my best time.
Morning is a cruel hoax played on women by god.
Men, he left alone.
They wake up looking handsomely rumpled.
Of course, all your hair falls out and you die eight years sooner.
Good morning, dear.
Oh, honey, Barbara, there's some oatmeal on the stove if you want some.
No time, daddy, I gotta get to a stakeout.
Joe should be here any minute.
- Joe? - My new partner.
What happened to ned? Oh, ned's history.
He's a good cop, but he has a big mouth.
So what is it we're looking for here, a big cop with a good mouth? Well, it's not such a big deal what ned said, but he broke an unwritten rule.
What's said between partners stays between partners.
And ned didn't respect that.
Oh, that's Joe.
Um, okay, so this guy, this new partner of yours, he's good, right? I mean, he can He can hit a target.
As long as it's not moving.
Well, wait.
Whoa, whoa.
Daddy, I'm just kidding.
Joe is one of the best undercover cops on the force.
- Hi, Joe, come on in.
- Hi.
This is daddy.
Daddy, this is Joe Kelsey.
- Nice to meet you, sir.
- Pleasure.
So you're Barbara's new partner.
- Yes, sir.
- Uh-huh.
Quick, it's dark.
A man approaches.
He may be armed.
What do you do? - Daddy.
- I'm sorry.
So what would you do? Whatever necessary to keep my partner from harm.
I like him.
Daddy Do you know what happened to the Oh, my god, I didn't realize we had company.
It's all right.
Carol, this is Joe Kelsey.
He's Barbara's new partner.
And this is my other daughter Carol.
- How are you? - Incredibly embarrassed.
Well, there's no need to be.
Here's what I usually look like.
Well, I'm I'm not sure I believe you.
I may have to see you again just to make sure.
Say, dinner Saturday night? Dinner? Saturday? Would you excuse me for a minute? Barbara, Joe just asked me out.
Tell me you're not interested in him.
- I'm not.
- Ah.
But I don't think that's such a great idea.
You are interested in him.
No, it's just that being partners is a very special relationship, and that might complicate it.
You're right.
Forget I brought it up.
I'm sure another charming Adonis will miraculously appear at the door and ask me out.
Okay, Carol, if you want to go out with him, go ahead.
Are you sure you don't mind? 'Cause it's really no big deal.
Saturday night would be great.
- Terrific! - All ready? Yeah.
It was very nice to meet you, Dr.
Weston.
And you, I'll see Saturday night.
So you will, uh, cover her behind? You know I mean, you'll You'll watch her back.
Right? Joe, I Barbara Thank you so much.
I will never forget this.
It's okay.
And listen, if there's gunfire Yeah? Throw yourself in front of him.
Here we go.
Take care, my friend.
Come on, Laverne, who's next? Well, I hate to say it, but either I accidentally jotted a recipe in the appointment book, or you have a corn fritter in room two.
Uh, Jimmy Davis is going to drop by.
Those new baseball uniforms are in.
Oh, this is gonna be so great.
I can hardly wait to see my team out on the field.
Oh, yeah, there is nothin' like the thrill of a Baltimore chop on a suicide squeeze that traps two speed demons at the hot corner.
I was gonna say it's cute when they when they put their hats on crooked.
Actually, Laverne, this is about more than just baseball.
I mean, the real rewards is watching how the game transforms silly young boys into mature, responsible men.
- Dr.
Weston? - Ah, Timmy! Timmy's here! Hey, what do you say? All right! Oh! Laverne What do you think? The pediatric pirate? Yeah, I went through like 100 names before I ended up with that one.
You still got the list? The manager said to give you this.
Ah, the schedule.
Season opener is Sunday at 10:00.
All right, guys, I'll be there at 9:00.
I'll watch you practice.
I won't be there until 10:00, Dr.
Weston.
I don't want to miss face the nation.
Then I'll be there at 10:00.
All right, Josh.
Josh, catch! Ow! Wait a minute.
Wait.
It was just a It's just.
Look on the bright side At least you won't have to suffer the embarrassment of losin' to Taiwan in the world series.
Hi, daddy.
How'd the game go? Same.
Well, how'd Charley do as third base coach? I'll let you know as soon as someone reaches third.
You know what the problem is? It's the manager.
He's not a leader.
He's weak! He's worthless! Oh, daddy, I'm sure father o'brien is doing the best he can.
Yeah, well, it's not good enough.
I'm gonna have a talk with that bozo after mass.
Hi, Barbie-Barb.
Let's talk.
Why? What do you mean "why"? Does there have to be a reason? You know, some sisters talk all the time.
I just figured it's been a long time since we talked, and it's time to catch up, that's all.
Oh All right.
Well, I'm out of college now.
Come on, Barbara.
What? I don't know what to say.
Okay, I'll start.
These past two weeks with Joe have been the best I can ever remember.
This is something really special, Barbara.
And he feels the same way too.
I mean, this isn't just a fling.
I think this may be it.
That's great, Carol.
Now tell me what kinds of things he says about me.
Carol, you know anything between me and my partner is confidential.
So he has talked to you about me.
I didn't say that.
Now, don't ask me any more about Joe.
Let's talk about something else.
Okay, fine.
So did you live on or off campus? Hey, hey, I think I got something here.
Finally.
Young male, 20s, dark clothing.
He's coming out of the building.
He's crossing the street.
Wait a minute.
He's stopping for something.
What? He's stealing our hubcaps! They're supposed to be burglar-proof.
You need a key.
Yeah, well, he's using some sort of hairpin and they're coming off real easy.
Jeez, I'd love to go after this guy.
No, it's not worth blowing our cover for.
We're after Spencer, not some petty thief.
Yeah, you're right.
Oh, no! He's taking the radio now! You're kidding.
And I just adjusted all the stations.
Well, let's just hope this punk likes golden oldies.
I know the last two weeks haven't been very productive.
Hey, it's not your fault besides, partner, without you I'd be dying of boredom up here.
.
Listen, you want me to go get us something to eat? - Yeah! - Yeah? Burgers and fries sound good? - Sure.
- Okay, keep an eye out.
Hi, honey.
Yeah, it's me.
Listen, I'm sorry.
I can't make it tonight.
I'm gonna be working longer than I figured.
But I promise I'll make it up to you.
Well, maybe we can go away for the weekend? Yeah, I think you're pretty special too.
Take care, Sharon.
Bye, baby.
That girl you were just talking to on the phone It wasn't Carol, was it? Which girl? Listen, you should know that Carol thinks you two have something serious going.
Hey, I'm as serious about your sister as I can be about anyone right now.
Joe, you don't know Carol very well yet.
I mean, she's She's real high strung.
She gets hurt easy.
Weston, this is a stakeout.
Police business.
And you're supposed to be my partner.
Now, what you're talking about now is personal.
Now, which are you My partner or your sister's keeper? I'm a cop.
- Okay, then.
- Who has a sister who doesn't know my partner has a Sharon.
And I'm your partner who's dating your sister and a Sharon.
And a Lisa.
The important part being the partner part.
There's a Lisa? Okay, forget it.
Forget I ever brought it up.
Joe, I'm sorry.
I can't help it.
She is my sister.
Okay, look I'm seeing Carol tomorrow night.
I'll talk to her.
We'll get everything out in the open, okay? Okay.
I'll go get those hamburgers.
Were you planning to go to that drive-thru place? - Yeah.
- I wouldn't.
- Why? - They just stole our car.
Timmy, I gotta believe you're seeing the ball.
All right, so I'm guessing it's your timing that's off.
And you Could you run a little faster? No.
And my chest still hurts.
Josh, it was a stuffed animal.
All right, why don't you guys just run on home? Well, not you, Josh.
Oh.
Harry, I think you're a little tough on Timmy and Josh.
Charley, that's father o'brien talk.
That's why he's out, and I'm the new manager.
He's back where he belongs Our lady of perpetual losers.
Hey, Harry, you'll go to hell if you don't stop pooping on the padre.
Charley, we are "o" and six.
Somebody's gotta light a fire under these kids.
And you're partially responsible.
You were the one who suggested we pitch Garcia today.
We had no choice, Harry.
Albrecht had the big cello recital, and Daniel still refuses to wear any kind of uniform as long as the U.
S.
Has military advisers in Nicaragua.
Charley, whatever it takes, we're gonna turn the pediatric pirates around.
Tomorrow, tomorrow we become winners.
I don't know, Harry.
We may be looking at a forfeit.
Why? Just our luck Big meeting of the math club.
Daddy, what are you doing up? I just had a nightmare about my ball club.
The bases were loaded, my best hitter comes to the plate, and instead of a bat, he's swinging a slide rule.
He strikes out, but accurately calculates the velocity of the pitch.
Ugh.
What are you doing here? Making cocoa.
Cocoa, oh, I know what that means.
There's man trouble.
Barbara, please.
Whoever this guy is, he is not worth it.
Oh, daddy, it's not for me.
It's for Carol.
Joe's gonna tell her tonight that he's seeing other women.
Joe's seeing other women? Yeah.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Uh We'll need pound cake, ho-hos, and aerosol cheese.
Keep stirring.
Barbara.
Cocoa.
Whoever he is, he's not worth it.
Carol, you seem in a surprisingly good mood.
Why not? I was with Joe tonight.
And he didn't say anything to you? Only that I'm very, very special.
Oh.
I'm afraid your partner is gonna be one grumpy wumpy little sleepyhead tomorrow.
Hiya, daddy.
Sweet, darling daddy.
Good night, daddy.
Either she's taking this very well, or she has a pizza in her purse.
- He didn't tell her.
- Oh, no! Joe promised me he was gonna talk to her about it tonight, and he didn't.
I could tell her what's going on.
But then I'd be violating a confidence, which is exactly why I left my last partner.
Well, this is a tough call.
The truth is, Carol is my sister.
Joe is only my partner.
Joe is a great partner.
Carol's not such a hot sister.
But it's not like I'd be saving her any heartbreak.
I mean, every relationship she's ever had had ended in heartbreak.
So basically, by telling her, the only thing I gain is losing the best partner I ever had.
But she is my sister.
Daddy, what am I gonna do? Well, honey, I could tell you what I would do, but, uh, I don't think that matters.
I'm getting more help than that, I hope.
No, you You're the only one who can make this decision.
So just to be clear, I'm not getting any more help? Sweetheart, I know you'll make the right choice.
Ohh.
Carol, remember the other day when you wanted to talk? I'm ready now.
Really? Okay, me first.
You know what's great about me and Joe? I always know exactly what he's thinking.
I mean, so much of what goes on between us is unspoken.
Yeah.
Listen, Carol, don't you think this is happening awful quick? I mean, do you really think it's a good idea to be tying yourself down to one person right now? You mean while I have this "30, single", "and living at home" thing going for me? What's this about, Barbara? Joe sees other women.
How do you know? I know.
Barbara, Joe isn't the only person I can read like a book.
I know how your tiny little mind works.
This is jealousy talking.
You can't stand that Joe likes me and not you, but he does, so there! Ha ha! Carol, this has nothing to do with jealousy.
Barbara, this discussion is over.
And whether you like it or not, I am going to continue seeing Joe.
In fact, I have a date with him this Friday night.
What about Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday? He's seeing family.
Family? He's seeing his cousin Lisa on Tuesday, his aunt Sharon on Wednesday, and on Thursday he's seeing his grandma Tiffany.
And you're supposed to be the smart one.
Dr.
Weston's office.
I'm sorry, he'll have to get back to you.
He's in conference.
Dr.
Weston, what you don't understand is, it's a game.
It's only a game.
Winning isn't what matters.
I'm just trying to do what's best for the team.
Yeah, but, I'm only 11, and I'm stressed out.
I'm sorry, Dr.
Weston, but you're fired.
Fired? Why, I don't believe it.
Wait a minute, wait.
Wait a minute.
Do you all feel that way? Yeah, it's the first time we really came together as a team.
All right, okay, I But listen, do me a favor, men.
In the next game, when you feel everything is going down, and you You wanna give up Don't.
Dig down deep inside and win one for the doctor.
Would you get off our backs? Come on out of there.
Laverne, the pediatric pirates fired me.
Uh-huh.
Well, I deserved it.
I get carried away.
I got so competitive, I forgot I was dealing with kids.
Poor Josh.
I made him miss brideshead revisited.
I wouldn't be too hard on yourself.
It was your first time a-managin'.
Plus, you were working under a handicap.
You do not know diddly about the game.
Well, thank you for that little pick-me-up, Laverne.
Well, anyway, I've learned my lesson.
No more sponsoring baseball.
Well, I'd say young 'uns everywhere are breathing a sigh of relief on that one.
Barbara Barbara, stop, please.
I know Joe broke off your partnership tonight because you told me about the other women.
Now, I have something I really need to say to you, and I want you to listen.
It was wrong the way I treated you the other night.
You put yourself out on a limb for me, and instead of appreciating it, I ridiculed you.
I'm so sorry.
And now you forgive me.
Whew, there, I've said it.
I'm glad that's over.
Who said it was over? You don't forgive me? Didn't you hear my speech? Carol, that meant nothing.
Words come easy to you.
I was moved.
Well, I wasn't.
And I'm not gonna forgive you for this, ever.
Well, if you're gonna be that way about it, I'm sorry daddy ever made you tell me about Joe in the first place.
Daddy had nothing to do with this.
You did this on your own? Yeah! Barbara, you know what this means, don't you? What? You love me.
Shut up! Barbara, there is no getting around it.
You sacrificed your principles, you gave up a partnership, all to protect me.
There's only one possible explanation.
You love me! Oh, no.
No, it can't be.
Might as well face it Barbara.
What a lousy week.
I lose my partner, my police car gets ripped off.
Now I find out I love you! I love you too, Barb.
Damn it, I never meant to love her.